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Kevin Leman

Dr. Kevin Leman is the founder and chairman of the board of Leman Academy Of Excellence and the host of the Have a New Kid By Friday Podcast!.

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The school won’t deal with my powerful child, now what? – Ask Dr. Leman 124 (Episode 265)
Episode of
Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman
Does your child behave at home, but become a nuisance at school? What do you do when the school calls and complains? Dr. Leman gives a straight-talk answer in today’s Ask Dr. Leman. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– Jun 11 – 17: Birth Order Book ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: On this episode of Have a New Kid with Dr Kevin Leman, we get your question about a nine year old, almost nine year old, who’s having a really hard time at school. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that the school keeps calling for behavioral problems. The mom thinks it’s low self esteem. What does Dr. Leman think? That’s the question we get to ask him today. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. If this happens to be your first time, just want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, before we jump into today’s episode, I thought since we’re talking about schools, are there any more Leman schools coming anywhere in the world? Dr. Leman: Oh yeah. We have six schools now. We have five in the state of Arizona and we have one in Colorado, in Parker, Colorado, just south of Denver. And the next school up will probably be again in Tucson, which is our home base. We bought property. We are going to open that in August of ’20. So here’s what happens. We just built a new school this year, just opened in August on the east side of Tucson. But we have over 300 people on a waiting list trying to get in, and so we’re going to add additional space in two of our local schools just because the waiting list is so long and people want in Leman. So it’s been gratifying to see the tremendous success. Dr. Leman: Our students, we call them scholars, they love being there and the teachers love teaching there and the parents are so grateful for the school. And these are free, these are public schools. And so we take what walks in the door. If they have a diagnosis of some special needs, whatever, we take them on, we do the best we can. We have a strong staff of people, professional people, and quite frankly, we’re knocking it out of the park. Doug: That’s awesome. And again, what are they called? What are the schools called? Dr. Leman: Leman Academy of Excellence. You can go online and Google us and follow along. You’ll see some interesting stuff on there. Our kids learn things by chance. We’re a classical school, like chance, like a sentence is a sentence. That almost sounds like a rap song, a sentence is a sentence. And it’s got five parts and little guys, little kinders, know the structure of a sentence. Second graders can diagram a sentence. We were doing that in high school. I walked into a third grade class the other day and a kid stood up and did the Preamble of the Constitution. So we teach kids to get up and talk and be comfortable talking with people. And of course, that’s one of the major fears that adults have. So anyway, I better shut up. I can go on and on about how wonderful the schools are, but I’m anxious to do today’s podcast. So let’s roll. Doug: Well, let’s get into it. And hear this mom’s question. Here we go. Alissa: Hi Kevin. My name is Alissa. I am from British Columbia, Canada and I have a son who is eight years old, turning nine. Name’s Jacob. So Jacob has always had a hard time in school. What we’ve come to realize now is that he is always searching for power and control in any environment or situation that he’s in. So of course every year we see it getting more challenging and we get just more phone calls home from the school, saying like he’s not listening or he’s being defiant. He won’t do what he’s told. He’s refusing to do his schoolwork. And my son’s extremely smart. And with all this power and control that he seems to have in this school, he has really low self esteem and confidence. He’s always comparing himself to others. He’s highly competitive, always wants to win. He can get quite aggressive. Alissa: In the home, we are definitely taking back the power and control. He sees us as authority figures now as his parents, which is really good. So we’ve had a lot of success in the home. We did get outside help for that, but now it’s just what to do with him at school? I am going to be homeschooling him next year. I believe that this is what God wants me to do to ground him and build him up, but I just wanted your opinion. Thank you so much. Bye. Dr. Leman: Wow, thanks Alissa for that challenging scenario with your nine year old. Let’s review a few things. You think he has low self esteem. He’s into power and control. He’s extremely smart and I would agree with you. He is extremely smart. He’s learned how to work you guys. And I’m glad to hear there’s progress on the home front. Now this is what always amazes me. The school calls and they say, “Well, he’s defiant. He’s not listening, he’s antagonizing other kids.” Or whatever it might be. What in the world are you going to do as a parent about your kid’s behavior in school? I mean, do you see the irony here? I mean he’s under their care all day long. So the school, and every school I’ve… If you’re a teacher, listen to what I’m saying. You have to be able to put authority in the classroom teacher’s hands. Dr. Leman: And most schools across the US and Canada. I mean, when I say most, I’m talking 99% of schools do not give teachers any authority in that classroom. So if a student is misbehaving in the class, and usually that means just interfering with the educational process of others, they’re removed from the scene. Just like my advice in Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours or Have a New Kid by Friday, remove the child from the scene. When there’s a scene, you’re feeding the child more power. You’ve already established he’s a powerful child, which means you guys as parents have been what? Powerful yourself. You’ve been authoritarian and now you’ve seen the light and you’re moving toward being the authoritative parent that you need to be. And results have already shown in your home. And I’m thankful for that. Dr. Leman: Now how do we teach the school to do that? So in a practical sense, the next time school calls you and tells you how bad your kid is, I’d like you to say something like, “Well, listen, thank you for keeping us apprised of the situation. I want you to know my husband and I have extreme faith in you guys at school to help this situation turn around. We wish you the very best. If we can help in any way, please, please just simply ask. We’ll do everything we can.” In other words, you’re putting the tennis ball of life, as I like to call it, back in the proper court. The school is very capable of disciplining that child. Dr. Leman: When I get a chance to do a PD, a professional development at our school, I will get up and talk about relational discipline. And what’s relational discipline? Is that writing the kid’s name on the board? No, it’s not doing anything like that. Is it putting a color card or a code up in front, which makes the kid know that he’s on probation for a few moments or maybe a day? No, it’s establishing a relationship with that kid where he understands that you’re in authority. Now, here’s the late breaking news, teachers. Your kids in the classroom actually would like to please you. Your job is to put yourself in authority without being authoritarian. So sometimes saying to a kid who’s misbehaving in class, “James, I am very disappointed with what’s going on here. I expect more of you, young man.” Just simply that statement with a look will usually correct a powerful child. Now sometimes, they’ll cross their arms across their chest and sorta sit down with a little attitude to show you that they’re still pretty tough. That’s part of the powerful child’s everyday behavior. Dr. Leman: But my point is you solve problems that are in the school, where? In the school. You solve problems in the home, where? In the home. Do school systems and teachers need help? They do, and we’ve become so permissive. We allow kids to rule. Just like in many homes, kids sure in the yardstick are in full control of these adults. Dr. Leman: One more thing, Alissa. You talk about low self esteem. Your son has low self esteem because we haven’t done a good job of giving him vitamin E, which is encouragement. You’ve tried praise and reward and punishment, and that doesn’t work. For a powerful child, in his mind he says, “Okay, I get it. Game on, you got the right to punish me? I got the right to punish you.” And I’m telling you, if I was a betting man I’d bet my nickel on that son. Because he’s gonna win. Because I’ve said many times, in a power struggle, parents, you lose. So you want to avoid the power struggle. Okay. What do you two experts from the great state of Oregon have to say on this one? Doug: My first question is, I love the idea of going to the teacher and saying, “Okay teacher, I’m going to put the tennis ball back in your court.” But haven’t we conditioned teachers to be afraid of how as an adult, I’m going to respond if they stand up to my kid in any way, shape or form? Are teachers really empowered, like you said? Dr. Leman: Oh, they’re not. They don’t know what to do. Doug: So by me saying, “Go ahead and do what you need to do with James. I’ll back you.” Will they really be able to do that or have I taken all the power away from them that they can’t even stand up to my son if I would give him the permission? Dr. Leman: Well the one thing you’ve done is you shut off the avenue that well, calling home isn’t going to help my situation here. That teacher’s going to draw the conclusion. “Wait a minute, I’m going to have to do something.” And I’m just telling you that we tie the hands of the teacher behind their back and then give them all this verbiage about how important they are and what an integral part of education that teacher is. Really? Then why don’t you give that teacher authority? Doug: So now this mom is bringing the kid home to homeschool. So now there’s no external authority to help her with her son’s defiance and power. Dr. Leman: Yeah, and I’m not so sure that’s a great idea. I’m glad you pointed that out Doug, because I forgot that part of it. You know, I don’t think removing that child from that situation is the best thing. I think in many ways that placates the powerful child. And I realize there’s progress on the home front, and I think that’s commendable. Dr. Leman: But I think you work with teacher and you sit down with teacher and say things like, “It seems to me that you’re the teacher and my perception is that little Michael really wants to please you. He gets frustrated because he’s so powerful. He feels like he has to win. And when he’s in a situation where he doesn’t feel like he’s going to win, why? Because he’s not prepared. He hasn’t done his homework, whatever. Then he resorts to just sheer power and crosses his arms emotionally and says, ‘I’m not going to do that.’ Well, okay, Michael, you’re not going to do that. I understand that. Well, listen, when we go out for recess, you’re going to have an opportunity. I’ve arranged with Mrs. Brown down the hallway. You’re going to sit in her classroom and do work while we’re out for recess.” Doug: Awesome. Would you ever encourage this parent to say, “Listen, he doesn’t do X, Y, and Z, feel free to call us and let us know. And when he comes home, we’ll back you up and he gets the bread and water treatment.” Would you ever do that? Dr. Leman: Well, you can do that, but I’ll tell you why I don’t love that idea, because it puts the onus back on the parent for behavior happening in school. And the school is fully capable of dealing with this. Listen, they have psychologists, they have resource officers, they have other teachers. If that school system can’t shape up a nine year old kid, there’s something wrong. Doug: But the key is me as the parent going to them and saying, “Hey, listen, I’m with you. You do what you have to do and don’t worry about me. You-” Dr. Leman: I support you. If you want to put them in in-school suspension, so be it. See, the powerful child needs an audience. Even a hermit needs a society to hermit from or it’d be no fun to be a hermit. And so when you take that away, when you take that away, the kid pretty soon says, “Hey, who am I fooling here?” I remember, I mean, I wasn’t a powerful kid, I was just a huge attention getter as a kid. But I remember as a senior in high school having a conversation with myself that went like this, “I’m dumber than mud. I’ve been entertaining my classmates now for years and all these guys are going off to college and off to university. What am I going to do? I can’t get a college to even look at me.” And I remember thinking I was stupid. Not stupid intellectually, although I didn’t really believe at that point I had many smarts, but I just wasn’t playing life smart. Dr. Leman: And this little nine year old will get it. But again, low self esteem, parents get hung up on that. Your kid needs to take pride in what he does. You need to encourage every step of progress he makes, but without praise, without reward. Just “Wow, that’s going to make you feel great inside, honey. I’m proud of your effort.” That kind of stuff. That’s liquid gold to a kid’s psyche and to his self esteem, if you want to use that term. Doug: Well, I want to follow up on that question about low self esteem because it was one I had. But before we do that, we have an ebook special from Baker Books that is unbelievable today. Like unbelievable. Like if you don’t take advantage of this- Dr. Leman: I don’t like the way you said that. What’s the special? Doug: I’m sorry. It is from June… I’m going to wait until the very end to tell you. June 11th to 18th for $2.99 on ebook, the Birth Order Book. Dr. Leman: What? Doug: I’m not lying. Dr. Leman: I want to say something I shouldn’t say. My publisher’s nuts. Why would you give that book away for $2.99? I don’t know. Somebody’s been smoking something up there. I don’t know. Anyway, listen. All right. Andrea: It’s a great book. Dr. Leman: Let me look at the positive side of this. Thousands of you who are listening to us right now, you’ve seen excerpts of my book in Good Housekeeping and Mademoiselle and every magazine there ever was. It has been talked about for years and you’ve heard about the birth order and you think it’s sort of an intriguing idea because you know that the first two in your family are night and day different. Okay, so I’m gonna settle down. I’m gonna take back all those bad words I said about my publisher. And I’m going to say listen, at $2.99, and you can download that sucker. $2.99? Do it today. In fact, tell your friends about it. That is a ganga. In Espanol, that’s a bargain and a half. Oh my goodness. $2.99 for the birth order book. And by the way, if you’re a business person, or you make a living with relationships, you’re in sales. Oh my goodness. Don’t pass up this opportunity to read the birth order book. Download it. $2.99, you can’t miss. Share it with your friends and your business associates. Doug: I know one of my favorite parts of our podcast segment, straight talk with Dr Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Listen carefully. The man who is saying what he is about to say is really not off his rocker. Just stay with me for a little bit, would you? Outside activities for kids are not good? Yes. You heard that right. Outside activities for kids. Now Leman, Leman, Leman. There you go again. What do you mean outside activities aren’t good for kids? My kid is in Little League. We love Little League. Okay, you got me. I give up. Both hands are skyward. So let’s go with limit outside activities for kids. And here’s the problem folks. If you have three children and each of them just has one outside activity, you’re going to go bonkers trying to keep up with them. You’re going to be shuttling kids from one activity to another and at whose expense? At your expense. And check this out. I think at their expense as well. Because you know, the more activity and the more people engaged in your kids’ lives when they’re young, dilutes the indelible imprint that you get a chance to give to your own kids. Dr. Leman: I think, quite frankly, some of us are addicted to our own adrenaline that our own body produces from rushing from event to event. I marvel at how young families make it today, when both of them are working and they have children. And you want to put activities on top of that? So again, for you parents who have little older kids, it’s time for discussion around the dinner table to say, “Hey, you know what? I think we all have a little bit too much on our plate. What can we do this next year, this next semester?” Any way you want to say it. This next month to limit things so that we have more time for ourselves, more time for each other and more time for our family. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I want to talk a little bit more about this low self esteem. And I just got to ask the honest question, which is probably horrible to say, is like does this kid really have low self esteem or is this an excuse to kind of let his bad behavior go for it? Dr. Leman: Yeah, it becomes an excuse. It’s thrown around way too loosely. A kid will have high esteem if he learns to do things by himself. Have you ever watched a two or three year old say to their parent, “No, I’ll do it. I’ll do it.” I mean, kids have a built in, I want to do it myself. And what happens is we hover over kids, we do far too many things for them. There is where you weaken a kid’s, if you want to call it self esteem. The kid figures out why should I even try? They do it so much better than I do. So respecting a kid’s efforts, whatever they may be, and not demanding perfection, not overreacting. Those are things that build a very healthy self concept, where a kid figures out I’m a capable human being, I can do. That’s what you want your kid to be telling themselves. I can do rather than I can’t do. Andrea: And those sound like the kinds of things that would not be built in if you have an authoritarian parent because the authoritarian parent is telling the kid how to do it. Is that right? Dr. Leman: Yes. Andrea: So by changing that parenting style, then hopefully that kid will begin to realize, oh, I can do this. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I got to ask, for Alyssa and then for our listeners. And I’m thinking about our listeners who have the reverse. At school they behave, but at home they don’t. For them, you would say read this book to help you the most. To kind of get that right frame of mind. Which one would it be? Dr. Leman: Again, yes. Keep in mind folks, you ought to see the same behavior in both places. Okay? Now we see the improvement in home because parents have made changes. We don’t see change in school. Well, you have to deduce that the problem lies in the school environment. And what I’ve said previously about not giving teachers authority in the classroom was what spawns these kind of problems. Doug: So what books should they be reading, though? Dr. Leman: They can’t go wrong with Have a New Kid by Friday and Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. If you have a powerful child, which Alissa’s nine year old certainly is, I would add to that mix Parenting Your Powerful Child. I mean, those are great books. There is great insight. I mean, I get thousands of emails from parents in a year saying, “Wow, the light went on. I see what we’re doing now. Thank you so much.” And see, that involves purpose of behavior, which we’ve talked about. Parents don’t realize that every social behavior your child engages in serves a purpose in their life. It builds into their life theme. How they see life. It’s sort of their daily mantra of how they live. Every day living, in your home and in school or any other social situation. So parents, I’m not trying to hawk my book. I read the reviews on the book. They were very, very good. People like them. They’re practical. You chuckle along the way as you’ll learn. So take advantage of these books and especially these offerings. Like we’ve offered the Birth Order Book, at $2.99. I’m still having a hard time getting over that one. But boy, that’s a bargain. Doug: When I’m thinking about the book, Have a New Kid by Friday, especially for you Alissa, there are so many practical applications that if you’re gonna start homeschooling this kid, I would highly get that book because when you run into the different situations, you’re going to run into having him around 24/7, that book will be gold in the back half to you as well. At least that’s my opinion, but I’m not the expert or the author. But I am the opinion agent. Andrea: You’re a parent. Doug: I’m an opinionated one. So well, it was great to be with you. I want to remind everybody again, get the Birth Order Book for $2.99, June 11 to 18 of 2019 wherever eBooks are sold. It is one of Andrea’s favorite books. She absolutely loves it and we think you would too. And we look forward to the next time we get to be with you to help add to that parenting toolbox so that you can just love them kiddos more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye Bye.
Can you parent as a grandparent? (Episode 264)
Episode of
Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman
Whether you are full-time or just on a few weekends, taking care of the grandchildren involves parenting. Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s advice on how to best take care of the grandkids when they are in your care. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– May 4 – Jun 10: Born to Win ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**   Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Some day, we’ll all likely be grandparents. What do you do if your kids start dropping your kids off more and more and asking you to be their parent? Can you parent as a grandparent? Well, we need to know if you end up having to parent as a grandparent. That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today. Doug: Hi. I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are with us today. If this happens to be your first time with us, we just want to let you know this if for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, you just told us a really interesting story about someone who emailed you a question from a grandparent. It got me thinking. I think there’s probably more people that listen to this that either are having to parent as a grandparents, or someday were going to do it. What do we need to know if we get in this situation? Dr. Leman: Well, I’ll tell you, I think there’s an awful lot of grandparents out there, number one, who are rearing their grandchildren. There’s a lot of grandparents out there whose adult children are using their parents, the child’s grandparents, in a negative way, in a way that they expect the grandparents to drop everything they’re doing and to give safe harbor to their grandchildren. Now, we have four grandchildren. Quite frankly, we go to great lengths to be with them. Two of them live in Chicago, which is not exactly next door to Tucson, Arizona. Dr. Leman: In fact, my dear wife is flying up there in a week or so to be with our daughter, Hannah, and her husband, and those two little twins because both of them work and they’re like a lot of couples. We want to be helpful parents. Let’s face it, grandparents, you are mature. You’ve gone through life. You know a few things. By the time we get to the grandparent stage, we’re pretty steady and predictable, and again, a safe harbor. Dr. Leman: As I was telling you the other day, I got a question from a woman and I really felt so sad because the parent comes and drops off her daughter and leaves her there. I mean, leaves her there. She leaves her there. She doesn’t say, “I’ll be back tomorrow night.” She just leaves them and takes off. Grandparents never know when she’s going to come back. It can be two weeks later. It can be a week later. It could be three days later. Here’s a daughter who has absolutely no respect for her parents, and she uses those grandparents, their good will, good nature, and their love for their grandchild. You tell me, what would you do? I know what I told her to do, but I’d love to know what you guys would do if you’re the grandparents and you have a daughter, doesn’t have a husband, is single mom and she brings by this little granddaughter, drops her off and you never know when she’s going to come back. What would you do? Andrea: Oh, I’d be taking care of that grand baby, loving on it and just treating it like, “Well, you’re here now and as long as you’re here I’m mom, I guess.” Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. I think that’s how most people would respond, that, “This is my granddaughter and I love her and I want what’s best for her. Yes, we’ll take her to school. Yes, we’ll pack her lunches. Yes, we’ll give her money if she needs it,” and all those kind of things. Andrea: I’d probably even be considering adopting her. Dr. Leman: Well, I tell you, here’s what I shot back to grandma. I said, “You know what? This is a situation that doesn’t have a happy ending. The best thing you can possibly do is to start refusing taking your granddaughter until you reach an agreement with your daughter that you have guardianship of that nine year old.” This daughter is … God only knows what she’s doing. What she’s doing is not good. I can tell you that from the kind of things that the grandmother had shared with me. Again, parents, it’s a catch 22. You want to help your grandchild, but you best help your grandchild by getting guardianship of that nine year old. Now, that costs money. You have to have cooperation with your daughter. Whether your daughter caves in and gives it to you is up for grabs, but you can’t go through life just having somebody drop a youngster, someone you love, off at your house and not knowing where she is and when she’s going to be back. Dr. Leman: What if you guys have plans to go someplace and maybe see one of your other children, or one of you is still employed and have employment responsibilities. It’s a no win. As tough as that advice is for people, the best solution is to try to get guardianship. Once you have guardianship, then you can go ahead and you can really rear that nine year old as the parent. Then, mom has visiting rights, so to speak, for lack of a better term. She sees the kid’s mother, but you can imagine this child is just nine years old. What is she going to be like at 14? She needs somebody that’s going to really model stability and currently mom is just all over the place. Again, I’m very suspect that she’s a druggie and doing a lot of things that she shouldn’t be doing. Doug: If the grandparents refuse the daughter unless they get guardianship and the daughter refuses, what’s going to happen to that … my grandchild? Dr. Leman: See, this is where a situation like this we feel like we’re over the barrel. It’s just like the parent that writes in and says, “My son refuses to take his medication. It’s really important he takes his medication.” Well, the kid’s got you over the barrel. Kids and adults know when they have you over the barrel. They’ll work you. People aren’t for using. I know that. Is this easy to pull off? No. It’s not easy at all. Is it simple? No. It’s not simple either, Leman. This is difficult stuff, but you have to have a heart to heart with daughter. I mean, I’m suspect that the grandparents are also helping the daughter financially. They help her financially and she takes off on a two week binge someplace, hit and miss at work and all that. It’s a crisis in the making. I’ve awfully said, “I’d rather force a blowout than watch it slow leak itself to death.” These are tough questions. Most of your parents who are listening are saying, “Oh my goodness. I’m glad that’s not our situation.” It’s tough. Andrea: Is there any hope that by the grandparents standing up and saying to the daughter, “Well, you need to give us guardianship if we’re going to keep doing this,” that she might actually recognize what she’s doing and she just is waiting for somebody to hold her accountable and she might- Dr. Leman: She might. Andrea: Come out of this- Dr. Leman: She might. Andrea: Behavior? Dr. Leman: Again, permissiveness reigns in our society, and caving in and giving in. Very few people draw lines and says, “This is no longer manageable for us.” Imagine, grandparents living life and all of a sudden, without notice, there’s no phone call or anything, she just drops her off at the house and leaves. I mean just totally non-responsible behavior. You get the authorities involved, then there’s more problems down the line. I think this is something you want to try to solve as grandparents and cut a deal with your daughter for one specific reason, and that is you want to give that granddaughter, in this case, the best predictable, safe environment where she’s going to feel loved and she has some stability. Nine year olds need that, believe me. Doug: You know what I really appreciate about this example is, for me, you have used this phrase before, “I prefer a blowout than a slow leak, and people are not to be taken advantage of.” It’s like, “Yeah, I get it now.” If I’m ever being taken advantage of, I should force the issue instead of just limping along like this. In all of life, whether you’re a grandparent or not, that’s great. Doug: Well, before we finish, ’cause I have another question for grandparents here, I want to take this moment for all our podcast listeners, again, to tell you about the eBook special, thank from Baker Books, for you and you alone, a book by Dr. Leman called Born to Win for $1.99, June four to ten of 2019. Dr. Leman, I’m embarrassed to say so, I haven’t read Born to Win. I don’t know if I’ve even heard about it, which [crosstalk 00:08:37]- Andrea: I don’t know if I’ve heard of it either. Dr. Leman: Well- Doug: What is this one about? Dr. Leman: Who do you suppose is born to win? Take a guess. Doug: Andrea- Andrea: The baby- Doug: ‘Cause she’s sweet. Dr. Leman: Nope. Doug: The middle child, ’cause we’re both middle children. Dr. Leman: No. Andrea: The only child. Doug: No, no, ’cause we’re middle children. No? Dr. Leman: The firstborn. Doug: Ah. Andrea: We’re all born to win. Dr. Leman: The firstborn. They are born to win. Andrea: Yeah. Dr. Leman: It’s all about firstborn children. If you’re a firstborn- Doug: So this is- Dr. Leman: Or if you have a firstborn, you might really enjoy reading Born to Win. Doug: It does help to get behind their eyeballs and understand it, doesn’t it? Born to Win, $1.99 June four to ten of 2019. Now, favorite part of the segment, Straight Talk with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: You know, you don’t have to walk very far to find a smart mouthed kid these days. You’ll find them in schools. You’ll find them on a playground. This is so difficult to say to you parents. You may even find them in your home. You know, kids today view themselves as social equals. They don’t really see authority in a proper manner. Parents, quite frankly, don’t act in authority. They tend to be permissive and then they swing to authoritarian. We’ll discuss that one at another time, but the point is is that these kids know where you are, how you operate. I’ll tell you, they can pull your chain. The question is, when your child is really smart mouth to you, ask yourself this question. What was the purpose of nature of that? Was it to show you that he or she is the boss, that they want to simply just dis your authority? Dr. Leman: It could be, but the point is, words hurt and you don’t have to just come back immediately. If you do, you engage in fighting. Remember, fighting is an act of what? Cooperation. After the hurtful words, go about your business. I’m telling you, I don’t care if your kid is six or 16, it’s going to be a very short period of time when they come to you and say, “Mommy, would you get me this?” Or, “Mom, can I go over to John’s house?” Maybe they’re driving the car. “Hey dad, can I take the car?” Well, a simply dosage of vitamin N will get your son or daughter’s attention. What does that mean? A simple, “No. I don’t feel like getting you anything right now.” “Honey, no, you can’t take the car.” Turn your back. Walk away. Dr. Leman: Now, again, do not engage in battle. You have gold in your back pocket, parents, okay? I call this parental poker. You have four aces in your back pocket as well. You don’t have to always play those cards, you just have to have the assurance that those cards are there. Quite frankly, your kid wouldn’t have underwear on right now if you didn’t buy it for him. Who’s kidding who? You are in full authority over your children. Dr. Leman: Now, here’s the fun part, I think. They’re going to dig. They’re going to say, “Mom, what’s wrong with you? You always let me go to John’s house. You always let me do this.” Let them really squirm and figure out that maybe what they said an hour and a half earlier was very inappropriate. Don’t tell them right off the bat. Again, let them sort of guess and figure it out. Finally, he or she will figure it out. “Oh, I’m sorry about what I said this morning.” “Well, honey, I’m glad you could say you’re sorry. That’s really important.” “Well, can I take the car now?” “No, but we’ll revisit that another day.” That’s Straight Talk from the good old Dr. Leman. I’m telling you, this stuff works. Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman. Here’s my question. For the grandparents that are not in that dire of a situation but we do have the classic, “Truly the parents are super permissive and when they come over to my house, my grandparents just are out of control. I don’t agree with their parenting style. What do I do when I have them in my house for five hours or maybe overnight? What do I do with their unruly behavior?” Dr. Leman: Well the simple sentence is, “Honey, in our home we don’t do that,” works, whether it’s putting your feet on the furniture or whatever. Here’s the interesting thing that I’ve observed over the years, Doug and Andrea, that kids can go from one environment to another with a completely different set of rules and they adjust to it. Grandparents, don’t lower your expectations for your grandchildren. I would tell you, when the grandchildren come over, okay, have fun. Do a little thought about, “Hey, what could we do with … grandkids are coming over.” Maybe your kids have said, “Hey, we want to take off for a weekend. Would you take the kids for a weekend?” “Okay, we’d be glad to.” Dr. Leman: Well, rather than just sit around grandma and grandpa’s house, which a lot of grandparents are very comfortable in doing, plan a couple things. In fact, asking your grandchild’s opinion of, “Honey, would each of you give grandma and grandpa one idea of things you think might be fun for all of us to do this coming weekend? I know you’re coming over Friday night and you’re going to be here til Saturday late, so come up with a couple things and grandma … grandpa and I will talk about it and we’ll figure something out,” so that time with your grandchildren is meaningful and you can have a fun time together. Doug: The recommendation is make it fun when they do come over and keep your standards going, that they will adjust to being at your house with whatever standards- Dr. Leman: They will. Doug: You have. Dr. Leman: They will adjust to whatever your expectations are. Doug: When I think about when we have some of our nieces and nephews come over, they do adapt to our behavior. Andrea: Yeah. Doug: It is interesting. You’re right. Well, thank you, Dr. Leman. You might hear a frog in our background. We have a frog in our garage that we cannot find. If you hear something croaking- Dr. Leman: I love it. Doug: If you hear something croaking, it’s not Andrea. Andrea: No, it’s not. Doug: It’s actually a frog. Dr. Leman: Okay, people, Doug and Andrea are hillbillies. You remember the old hillbillies? The Beverly Hillbillies- Doug: Oh, come on- Dr. Leman: These are Oregon hillbillies. Doug: Come on. Dr. Leman: They got a frog in there. Doug: We can’t find it. We’ve been looking for like a week. Dr. Leman: You know why- Doug: It tells you how cluttered our garage is. Dr. Leman: You know what the frog said? He said, “Pardon me, I have a man in my throat.” Doug: Ah, well, we love, love, love answering these questions and helping you with your parenting toolbox. Born to Win is the new eBook for a buck ninety-nine, June four to ten of 2019. If you have a firstborn, highly recommend, highly, highly recommend it, as well as all the other Dr. Leman books that are out there. We can’t wait to be with you again and add to your parenting toolbox so you can just love them kiddos more and more, whether you’re a grandparent or a parent. Andrea: Have a great week with those grandkids. Doug: Yes. Mrs. Terpening’s really happy and looking forward to them. Dr. Leman: All righty. Doug: Take care. Have a great day. Bye bye. Andrea: Bye bye.
Angry dad = angry son. How do I get my husband to look at his anger issue? – Ask Dr. Leman 123 (Episode 263)
Episode of
Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I get my husband to look at his anger issue?” Find out what Dr. Leman has to say about the correlation between powerful parent and child in today’s episode. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– May 28 – Jun 3: Have a Happy Family by Friday ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**   Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: On this episode on Have a New Kid By Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman, we get to answer your question: What do I do if I have an angry husband and now at nine years old I find out I have an angry son? I thought he was a great kid, but now he’s turning angry. How do I get my husband to change? What do I do about my son? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are super triply duper happy that you are here with us today. And if this is your first time, we just want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go see a local professional for help. And, I just want to remind everybody, BirthOrderGuy.com, you can go there and get tons of resources and insights from Dr. Leman. And also you can go to BirthOrderGuy.com/podcastquestion and leave an audio question, like this mom did, and you might get it answered right here. Doug: Well, let’s jump into today’s question. Ask Dr. Leman: Hi, Kevin. My son is turning nine. We thought he was a leader and very logical and smart, only to find out and be told he is very powerful and controlling. And we saw a lot of red flags in this last year that we knew we had to make a change. We have made a lot of changes in our home, so we’ve seen a really big turnaround in him. And I do believe you when you say you can see major changes in a week, as long as the home is remaining consistent and parents are on the same team. Ask Dr. Leman: But my last concern is, he has this anger, and we call it verbal diarrhea. He likes to have the last comment still, and he complains a lot, and is acting miserable, when he doesn’t need to be. But my husband also has a, I guess, a root of anger in him, as well. I was just wondering if you had any helpful advice for my husband to look at his anger and seek some help, if you have any tips on that, so that it can be just passed down to my son. I really appreciate it, and thanks. Dr. Leman: Well, there’s a little grist for the mill in that question. How old was the son? Andrea: He was nine. Nine. Dr. Leman: Did she say? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Dr. Leman: Yeah, nine, yeah. Wow. There’s an awful lot in this. I’ll make a couple of guesses, first of all. I’m going to guess that your husband, and this really isn’t a guess, is an authoritarian, there’s a right way to do things. He’s a black and white thinker, which leaves you a pleaser. It puts you in the middle of your son and your husband. You know the venom that comes out of your husband’s mouth, the anger, and you do your very best to combat that by probably being permissive on your end to try to balance that off. Your son is caught in the middle, but his verbal diarrhea, his venom that comes back, the anger that he explodes with, is symptomatic of being reared in an authoritarian home. Dr. Leman: Now, when you talk about or ask about how to help your husband, should he go to therapy or how does he get insight into all this, reading three books, Leman books. Let’s say you bought them online, you’d spend maybe $45 for three books, that would be a little cheaper than seeing a shrink at $350 a pop. I don’t think he needs self-examination from an outside source. I think the self-examination can come from simply reading a book or two. In fact, I think you should read them together and you should highlight in the books with different colored magic markers, things that pop out to you. Dr. Leman: Your son is going to have a short fuse. When he loses things he’s going to become explosive. He’s always going to be pointing the finger at somebody else’s fault, because that’s the environment he’s growing up in. But the seed is being planted, that has grown to adulthood, your husband, he has to be challenged. And the words on the page will challenge him. I think you have to read them together to see that, I mean, Doug Terpening, our cohost, has said publicly, “I was an authoritarian parent, and I’ve learned to turn it around.” Is it always easy? Is there a part in Doug Terpening’s life when he reverts back to the authoritarian? I bet a nickel on it, because earlier learned behavior always seems to pop up from time to time. Dr. Leman: But the point is, is that we learn why we do what we do, okay? And again, the authoritarian says, “I only count in life when I win, when I’m the boss, whatever I say goes.” And you tend to look down at people. You tend to look down at your son or your daughter. You tend to look down at your wife. You’re better than them, you know everything. And so, I think reading the books, Parenting Your Powerful Child, Have a New Kid By Friday, and Making Children Mine Without Losing Yours. That small investment, if you read those books, will certainly give you all the information you need to try to turn things around in your home, so you can have a happy home. Dr. Leman: Now, again, I can hear your husband say, “I’m not reading any book.” Well, if you’re not reading a book, you can go out and get the DVD. You can listen to the book. Ask yourselves this question today, “How are things going in your family? How do you feel about your role as a mom? As a dad? How’s your family going? How’s it working out for you?” And I’m telling you it’s not working out good or you wouldn’t be asking this question. There’s no magic dust here. It’s a relearning. It’s, rather than telling your son what to do at every moment, it’s saying, “Hey, honey, I’d love to know what you think about it.” It’s asking opinion rather than giving out orders. Dr. Leman: So anyway, I think the best way and the most practical, pragmatic way to deal with that is to take those books and read them one at a time. And like I say, highlight them so you can see how each other respond to the written word, because you two have to be on the same page. If you two are not on the same page, you can read every Leman book there is, you’re not going to see a change in behavior. So, there’s your assignment. Doug: So, Dr. Leman, what got me out of my anger authoritarian cycle was actually softness. And it was obviously, my daughter saying she was afraid of me, and then it was the kindness and softness of my wife. How often does that approach work to get the authoritarian angry person to listen? Dr. Leman: Well, lots of times, you are introduced at a party or something, and you’ll hear something about, “Well, the better half is my wife.” There’s so much psychological truth in that, Doug, it’s terrible. Because women are relational by their nature, and a sweet woman can really be a great trainer to a husband about life. Dr. Leman: My wife has helped me in so many situations, to say, “Honey, now wait a minute. Now, just back up a step or two and let’s talk about this a little bit.” And, the man that’s big enough, so to speak, to really listen to his wife, I always tell the CEOs, the business people I work with, “Hey, run everything by your wife first.” Why? Because women are closer to life than we men are. If you’re blessed with a great wife who has insight into relationships, men, listen to your wife. A lot of men just don’t listen. They know it all. They have such a need to be right. We see them every day, and we take a look at the divorce rate. How many women do you think have ever said to me, “Oh, Dr. Leman, I just love it when my husband controls me?” That’s not love. It’s trying to service your wife and know all of her needs and desires and try to meet them as best you can. Are you going to be perfect? No. None of us are perfect, but that effort. Dr. Leman: You want your wife to say, “Oh.” You ever hear that little oh, dove? “Oh, you’re so sweet.” I mean, that’s when you know you’ve reached into a woman’s heart. And so again, I’d just say women are the best teachers in the world when it comes to relationships. So, gentlemen, and specifically in this case, the caller who asked the question, I mean, you have to understand you have a profound effect upon your husband. And when he starts making some progress, reinforce that as best you can. Andrea: How does reading a book and learning new skills help somebody with an anger that’s been built into them from their childhood, and it’s deep down? Dr. Leman: Because the anger is produced by whom? Who produces the anger? Andrea: I would assume that person. Dr. Leman: That person produces it. In other words, they manufacture it, they produce it, they distribute it. It serves a what? A purpose in their life. So, when an adult male throws a temper tantrum, everybody stops, everybody freezes, hearts race. Heels click together. And so, he has learned that his powerful, disruptive angers creates the change that he wants. He’s listened to, he’s feared, and all that. That’s what neat about reading the book, because you’ll see the purpose of nature of the behavior in the book. I mean, just like the classic kid throws a temper tantrum on the floor. What’s the purpose of it? It’s that little six-year-old’s, four-year-old’s way of saying, “Hey, I want you to do what I want you to do. Not what you want to do. I’m challenging your authority. I’m an authority over you.” Dr. Leman: I think, and I like the idea, of highlighting it with different colored markers, so it helps get the parents behind each others’ eyes to see how they see life. See, the reality is, the guy that’s really angry all the time, he fears that if he’s not that way that no one’s going to appreciate him or listen to him or care about him. Doug: Wow, that’s really insightful. That this is how he gets his value or his perceived value. Interesting, interesting. Dr. Leman: Well, you got to remember, perception is reality. Doug: Yeah. This lady, you say, is a pleaser, so he’s used to being able to walk all over her. If she stands up to him, what is he going to do, do you think? Dr. Leman: Oh, he’ll react negatively at first. I call it the fish out of water syndrome. If you catch a game fish, that fish, once he’s hooked, will do something that’s not very natural. They leave the water. Most fish who just leave the water die. They need to be in the water, but it’s that initial resistance. Because the really angry person, whenever they’re challenged in the slightest, their defense is more offense, so it takes a while. But I think sharing your real feelings, mom, in this situation, with dad, with husband, is really important. You’re going to say some things that might be very difficult for you to say. Doug: So, Andrea, you’re more on the pleaser scale than the authoritarian scale. Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Doug: Could you do this? Could you get a book and highlight it for me and say some things to me back then? Andrea: Back then? Doug: Yeah. Andrea: As opposed to now? Dr. Leman: I think right now she should just say, “Hey, dummy, that’s wrong.” Andrea: We’ve gotten there. Doug: She did last night. Don’t worry, Dr. Leman, she had no problem telling me I was a dummy last night. Dr. Leman: Good for Andrea. Everybody loves Andrea, don’t they? Andrea: I think, is the highlighting supposed to be the things that resonate with me? And Doug is highlighting the things that resonate with him? Or is the highlighting me showing Doug this is what I think you need to notice? Dr. Leman: No, highlighting is what grabs your attention, because we want Doug to see what’s important to you. Because we need to work toward oneness as a couple. Andrea: Yeah, that totally makes sense. Doug: So, you can highlight the book, and could you come and say to me, “Hey, dummy?” Andrea: Well, I don’t think that’s what it’s about. I think it’s about what is standing out to me, and you saying what’s standing out to you. And then us talking together. Not me looking at it trying to look through your eyes. Dr. Leman: Ah, see how smart she is? Doug: Well, she is smarter than me, isn’t she? But we’ve known that for a long time. Dr. Leman: Doug, really, we should both shut up and just let Andrea continue. Doug: I know. Andrea: I think [crosstalk] Dr. Leman. Doug: Well, let’s take a moment right there and do one of my favorite new segments to the podcast, which is, A, we get to tell you about the new book and then we’re going to jump into the Straight Talk. But the new book from Baker Books that you get this week, which is very applicable, Dr. Leman, is, Have a Happy Family By Friday, for $1.99 in eBook form, May 28th to June 3rd. Doug: What is, Have a Happy Family, about? Dr. Leman: Well, among other things, Doug, that’s the book where I highlight the fact that the words you choose to use with those you love can make a difference. And just turn that relationship around. It’s a good one. It’s a very inclusive book that deals with, not only the marriage but family. And port of call idea you’ve heard me talk about, on the lake of life, the good ship family. Do you have a port of call? Do you know where you’re going? This is a book that can help you prioritize as a family, cut down on some of those extraneous things you’re doing that aren’t really good for your family. It’s a good read, I think people will like it. For a buck 99, oh, my goodness. Doug: Highly recommended, learning where your port of call is, has been one of the best things for the Terpening clan. Again, Happy Family By Friday, for podcast listeners. A buck 99 where eBook is sold, May 28th to June 3rd. Doug: And now, one of my new favorite segments, or my new favorite segment, Straight Talk, with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: I love these straight talks. It forces me to say something in a short period of time that makes some sense. And that’s not always easy. But let me give you parents a great tip. Say it once and walk away. Now, talk about simple. How simple is that? Say it once and walk away. “But Dr. Leman, they follow me.” Yes, I know, they’re the enemy. We’ve established that a long time ago. But the point is, you need to train them that you’re not playing the game any longer. “What game is that?” The game that they come after you and then you tell them a second time and you raise your voice and then a third time and you put their middle name in it. And before long, your blood pressure has risen, and sparks are flying, and it’s a lousy evening for everybody. Dr. Leman: Here’s my point, they have trained you to tell them three times. They have trained you to get mad and cry and get upset, and slam things down and storm out. Acting like a four-year-old rather than a parent. So again, I always say, “You see the monkey grinder and the monkey, just which one is the organ grinder?” It makes you wonder when you see how kids can manipulate parents. So again, say it once, walk away. Where do you walk to? How about the john. It’s got a lock on it, doesn’t it? Have a seat, relax. Read a chapter in a book. Say it once, walk away. Doug: Dr. Leman, we should talk about the son. She also is worried about her son. She’s read the books. What would be, you would say, do this next step, to help him understand what his anger problem is doing? Or what would her next step be? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s really important that she owes up to her responsibility in creating this situation, because it’s really easy to point to just the angry husband who’s been overbearing and done this and done that. Just like we said that fighting’s an act of cooperation, the cooperation of the controlling husband and the pacifying pleaser wife, they both contribute to the maladies that happen in that family. Dr. Leman: She has to come with a, “We need to do this, we need to do that,” rather than, “You need to do this,” and “You need to do that.” She has to bear that responsibility. In many ways, she’s the leader in this but she has to come across, not as the leader boss person but the person that’s interested in a joint venture with her husband. Doug: So, the next time her son gets all mad and all angry-ish, what should the words or actions be that she does? Dr. Leman: Well, number one, that has to be discouraged. So, as soon as he goes into a power tantrum, he’s removed from the scene. What does that mean? It means sometimes you take him by the arm, and you march him to his room, and you close the door and you shut it. Depending upon where you live and the season, you take him to the back door of the home and you put him outside. In other words, you can rant and rave outside. One of the rules we have is you don’t fight in the home. If you want to go outside, you can shout and holler, get mad at the tree, whatever you want to od, but you don’t have a right to upset the evening in our home. Dr. Leman: As soon as it starts, you nip it in the bud, so he learns real quickly that his power tantrum all of a sudden, which used to keep everybody involved for 30, 40 minutes, an hour, the whole evening long, all of a sudden is no longer an option. Now, again, this guy’s got nine years of being powerful, and is not going to turn around overnight. But you can make a dent in it overnight real quickly. I was the author of Have a New Kid By Friday. I’ve often said you can have a new kid by Wednesday. You start giving the kid 48 hours of extremely different behavior, he’s going to take notice, she’s going to take notice. Andrea: What if the kid still sees dad getting away with these power tantrums? And mom can’t send dad out in the backyard. Dr. Leman: Yeah, yeah. Doug: Hey, I don’t like that idea. I don’t like where this conversation’s going. Dr. Leman: Good idea, Andrea. Proof you’re smarter than both of us. But you know what? I think the woman has to have a straight talk with the husband. It goes like this, “You know, when you act like that, you just really turn me off. There’s not a bone in my body that wants to be close to you.” That usually gets a man’s attention. Andrea: Okay. Doug: Thanks for giving her tips, Dr. Leman. This is really great. This is really helping me in life. Thanks, big guy. Dr. Leman: Celibacy’s a good thing, Doug. Doug: Now I have to change. I almost like you. Doug: Well, that does it. The thing that, I got to throw in my two cents for you, Andrea, is, if you believe something, you will do it. Even though you are a pleaser, and reading these books has changed you to believe that these are the right kind of behaviors for you. When you talk about reading these three books, it really is for a pleaser. It gave you the belief that you could do it. Andrea: Yeah, and tools. Doug: And tools. That’s why I tell everybody, read the books, read the books. You will be surprised. You will email me and say, thank you, Doug. But, all right, wrap it up. Remind you, Have a Happy Family By Friday, a buck 99, eBooks, May 28th to June 3rd. Get it and you will be quite happy. Doug: Well, it was great to be with you. We love answering your questions and helping you add that parenting toolbox, so you can love them kiddos more and more. Have a delightful day. Andrea: Have a great day. Doug: Bye-bye.
My Husband Watches Porn (Episode 262)
Episode of
Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman
Porn addiction is becoming more rampant in today’s culture, but what really happens if you or your spouse are struggling with porn addiction? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman talks about the severe consequences of porn addiction in a marriage and how they affect not only the spouse, but the kids too. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– May 21 – 27: Way of the Wise ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**   Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Does your husband look at pornography on the internet? Have you ever found something accidentally or walked up behind him and he switched the screen really quick? I’m sure this is creating a pit in your stomach. It’s a bigger problem out there than we realize. How is this affecting your kids? How is it affecting your own relationship with him? This is what we’re going to talk to Doctor Leman about today. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today to add to that parenting toolbox, but if this is your first time with us, just to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Well, Doctor Leman help us out. Andrea: It seems like this is a bigger and bigger problem out there with the internet, so I’m really curious to see what you have to say, Doctor Leman. Dr. Leman: Well, we’re bombarded by sex. No matter where you look; a magazine, TV, movies, whatever. Sex is all over. It’s presented usually in ways that are not healthy, or in ways in which I think all mighty God intended it to be, for sure. You know, in the book The Intimate Connection, I talk about two things that can never enter your marriage. One of them is obviously another person; an affair can be disastrous for not only the couple obviously, but for the families involved. The kids involved, the in-laws, the out-laws, whatever you want to call them, everybody. It destroys the family unit. Well, if we pay attention to the kind of statistics that are shared nationally in our country today, pornography is a huge multi billion dollar industry and the thing about pornography, it is so addictive, usually reserved for the male species. Are there women who are into pornography? There are, but so few compared to the overwhelming number of men who get hooked on pornography. Dr. Leman: It’s near impossible, as a male, to watch a pornographic film of any kind and not recall vividly certain parts of that movie. They are indelibly imprinted on our mind forever. Now keep in mind that pornography is not real. It is something that is produced and manufactured in studios. It’s there for a given purpose to excite the most animalistic tendencies you might have as a man in your mind and body. Dr. Leman: Again, I underline terribly addictive. Okay. So, if you find out that your husband is into pornography, you tell me. How do you feel? I mean, how do you feel as a woman? Do you feel like you’re now, three babies later and a few pounds around your midsection, are you in competition with some well built, put together porn star? Where does that take you in marriage? Does that make you want to feel close to your husband? Does that make you want to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings? I mean, if you want to talk about two things that will destroy a marriage it’s obviously an affair and the other is pornography and it’s huge. Dr. Leman: Now we get to the, what do you do about it? Well, women are going to respond or react differently. Everybody’s going to react differently to finding out that your husband is in a pornography. Most women react. Most women react in a way that’s combative. How could you do this to me? Many of them will take the route of divorce, dissolution of their marriage. I mean, it’s huge. Other women who, for whatever reason, maybe it’s just maturity or a better understanding, they’ll stand by their man and they’ll try to work through this with their husband. Dr. Leman: My experience has been that people who are hooked on pornography need professional assistance. Those of you who know me, know I’m not quick to say, hey, go seek a professional’s help. But in this case, I think it’s important to you have a neutral party help you walk through this. The damage done by this, the visceral damage to that wife of yours, gentlemen, is unbelievable and it’s going to take a long time for her to build back trust. You know, marriage is built upon mutual respect and trust and love. I always say where there’s love, there’s discipline and there’s going to have to be disciplinary. You’re going to have to walk with your husband through this, sharing your honest feelings and your husband has to see the connection and see men are great at segmenting this off. They won’t always see the connection that you see with pornography. Dr. Leman: They have the ability to put that at arms length. But you just heard what I’ve said is very addictive. So women respond differently. I’ll never forget the woman who found these really gross pornographic magazines and she gathered them up and her husband was getting ready for work in the morning and she threw them over the shower. So it’s one of those points in a marriage where the true muddle of what love is all about, comes to the forefront because it would take a very patient, understanding, caring woman to ride through this rough waters of life with your husband to get through this. But you have to restore the trust and faith that was once there and that’s going to take a lot. Andrea: So you’re saying that this couple, would probably need to go to counseling together for her to be rebuilding the trust, but how does the man get out of this addiction? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s like I asked myself the question, is it possible for a man just to cold turkey and walk away from pornography? Yes, and I would remind people of faith, with God, all things are possible. There are men who just cold turkey walk away just like there are people who are alcoholics who stopped drinking on a dime. They don’t go through recovery program. They just stop and they’re sober today 20 years later. But I’m just saying it takes a very understanding woman to even hang in there because she feels so damaged. Her very being was damaged by this act. She’s saying to herself, how could you do this to me and to our children and to our family. I thought you were this and I thought you were that. You know if you’re saying, hey Lehman, you’re not giving me a lot here. I got news for you. If I had the answer to this one, I would be a multi-billionaire. I’d bottle it and sell it to you for a buck a piece. Andrea: I just have to say, even listening to this, my stomach is like, I have this sense like, yeah, that woman had a right to throw those magazines in there. I can just think of how I feel like I would have a right to be so angry and vindictive about it. Doug: So to that point, you tell us not to react but respond. What would be the first response that you would encourage that spouse to take? Dr. Leman: Well, I think just to share with her husband that she is deeply hurt and feels damaged and dissed and add as many adjectives as you want. You’re going to get his attention, whatever you say. Then after you’ve said your piece, it really depends upon what your husband says next. Because if your husband doesn’t come back with, I’m sorry and I was wrong and I’m not sure how I did that myself, but I got caught up in it. Then, and only then, does a woman step forward and say, well, I’ll walk with you through this journey but no guarantees. I mean she has to take, I think a hard line with this. If she doesn’t, he’s not going create the motivation in himself that this is really an important life changer for myself, my family, my career, everything, my relationship with my children. Dr. Leman: And again, keep in mind that men have a way of segmenting these things in their mind. That this is, oh no, this has nothing to do with my love for you or the children or anything else. It’s sort of like his golf game. It’s just a part of my life, but it’s not. It doesn’t affect our marriage at all. I’ve had men who are hooked on pornography tell me, oh, it doesn’t affect my marriage at all. I don’t know what she’s talking about. It’s no big deal. All my friends turn to it. I mean, I’ve had men say that with a straight face. I mean they don’t know. They don’t realize women are internally motivated. They are good at seeing the insides of the Doug Terpening’s of the world; not just as handsome physique and his cute little face, but the Andrea’s of the world can look inside of a Doug Terpening and appreciate the qualities that make him Doug on the inside. Men are not real great at that. Men are sort of overpowered with what’s on the outside. Andrea: So is it ever that the woman maybe has contributed to driving the man to this? Should woman take a look at her own behavior or the way she’s treating her husband? Dr. Leman: You know, we offered the book Have A New Sex Life by Friday and I made the comment that that’s a great accessory book to go along with the new book, The Intimate Connection because the question you’re asking is an interesting one. It creates the ire in many a woman to just bring that question up, Andrea. You know I’ve always tried to shoot it to you straight. Dr. Leman: In fact, we got a little thing in our segment now Straight Talk from Doctor Leman and I’m going to shoot it to you straight as I can. Most of us as men are very sexually driven people and a healthy sex life is part and parcel to a good solid marriage. There are many women who really believe that’s not true. They treat sex as a duty, is something they have to do, is not something they really enjoy doing, and I’m just quoting myself and here’s the quote just came to mind. Dr. Leman: “If you don’t have a love affair with your husband, someone else will.” Dr. Leman: I don’t back down from that statement one iota. I believe that’s totally true. So if you ladies don’t have a love affair with your husband, somebody else will. That somebody else might very well be a porno star and the thing about pornography, I’m reminding all of us, it’s impossible for a man, in my opinion, to watch a pornographic movie film, whatever, and not recall and vivid detail parts of that pornography. It leaves an indelible imprint on that man’s mind and that’s why it’s so highly addictive and I’ve been at this a long time. Many men will watch the same pornographic movie over and over and over again. Why? Why not watch different ones? I mean, why would someone just watch the same one over and over and over again? Dr. Leman: Because what’s in there is just so overpowering and made such an indelible imprint on that man’s mind, that’s what drives him. But see if he’s not getting any kind of intimacy, I’m saying intimacy. I not saying sex here; intimacy and or sex from that mate, that sets up this huge need for sexual gratification. Where did a lot of men turn? I mean in the news, and I don’t mean to be accusing anybody of anything, everybody’s innocent until proven guilty, but it’s just the news lately that Robert Kraft, the owner of the Patriots was arrested, cited for soliciting prostitution. I mean there’s a guy who’s got mega millions of dollars, very high profile person. I mean what would drive a man of that stature to a house of prostitution? Talk about they say the oldest profession in the world there it was, I mean there’s just a lot of sexual needs that are met in unhealthy ways in our society today. And by the way, we want to thank you guys for the easy question. Doug: Ah, well I have one more in just a moment, but right now if you wouldn’t mind Doctor Leman, I’d love another, I just love these segments. So if you could just give us another Straight Talk with Doctor Leman here and then I’ll ask another question here. Dr. Leman: People always ask me why I insult husbands so much. We’re easy to insult. I guess that’s some honest answer, but people love it when I say, think of your husband is a four year old that shaves. You know we are the simple gender. If you could imagine the cockpit of a huge 777 Dreamliner aircraft, ever peek into the cockpit of an aircraft? All those buttons. I mean, how do those guys up front, guys, meaning men and women. This is 2019. How do those men and women know what buttons to push or pull or probe? I have no idea, but when I see the cockpit before me, I think of your women because you are so complicated. Dr. Leman: What you like on Tuesday you don’t like on Friday night. That’s always been a puzzle to me. I’m a guy who eats the same breakfast every morning for life. I go in a restaurant, I know what I’m going to have before I even look at the menu. I’m as predictable as I used to be; not Mrs. Uppington, my bride. Oh no. It depends upon her mood, her mood, and I better turn into her mood or I’m going to be singing Moody River by myself that evening. So again, there’s some humor in this, isn’t there? That men and women are different. That men are very simple. Dr. Leman: You know, for most of us as men, we would like a direct approach. Hey honey, just tell me was you want me to do and I’ll do it. I’m laughing at myself, but that’s how most of us men think. Here’s the problem, gentlemen. Your wife, when she tells you what to do and then you go ahead and do it, guess what? There’s not a lot of satisfaction in that for her emotionally. Dr. Leman: If you want to satisfy your wife emotionally, try to get behind her eyes and anticipate her needs. When you meet her needs without her having to tell you what those needs are, ka-ching, ka-ching. I can hear the bells ringing. You just made a sale. So carry on men or should I say you four year olds? Doug: So before we jump back into our last question, I think it’s very interesting, Doctor Leman, that this is the book that bigger book is offering to our podcast listeners. The Way Of The Wise for $1.99 in ebook form May 21st to 27th. Dr. Leman: You know, I keep going back and forth in my mind. Is that my favorite book of all time or not? Because I have lots of favorite books, so it’s like ask you asking the Terpenings’ which of the four is your favorite. But one of the books that I truly love is The Way Of The Wise. Dr. Leman: You know, if you struggle in your life with faith, of the meaning of life, is there really a God, or you got someone close to you that you know is struggling or maybe a young person in high school or college, I can’t tell you how great a little book that is. It has so many little jewels in it. It’s a book that I wrote by the way in 54 days from beginning to end. I’ll never forget the publisher saying to me, you’re done. I said, yeah, it’s in the mail. It’s done and they said, how could you do that book so quickly? I remember what I told her. I said, it just flowed from my heart. A lot of the book is autobiographical. There’s a lot of me in that book and if you’ve heard me speak enough, you’ve heard me say that there were first 21 years of my life I had no use for God whatsoever. Dr. Leman: But it’s a worthy read. The Way Of The Wise. It’s a small book. You can read it in a short period of time and what are we offering for a 1.99? That book’s worth a million. I’m telling you, that’s one of the best little books I ever did and I think you’ll enjoy it. We talk about the way of the shepherd and the way the wise. Two little hardback books, but they’re great reads, I think. We get a lot of compliments on those books, so take advantage of that. Dr. Leman: What’s the window when people have to get these, Doug? Doug: May 21 to the 27th. Dr. Leman: That’s a short window. So you’ve got to act. $1.99. Get two of them. Doug: Of 2019. So Doctor Leman, this is a parenting podcast. How will pornography in my house affect my children? Dr. Leman: Pornography in and of itself is a great predictor that you will end in divorce, so it’s going to really severely impact obviously your marriage, those around you, those you love the most. It’s going to bring all the negativities of life right to the forefront for your children. Want to do a number on your wife, gentlemen? Want to do a number on your kids? Get hooked on to pornography. That’ll do it. Guaranteed 100%. So, it’s terrible. I mean kids are always watching. Parents remember they’re always taking notes and how you live your life, the things you say, how you treat not only them but each other. That’s really important to keep in mind. Andrea: What’s the likelihood that a child whose father, or mother I guess, is involved in pornography will also model that in their own lives? Dr. Leman: You know, I don’t know if there’s a connection with that or not. I suspect there is, but I couldn’t say it in great authority that there is. Doug: And then one of my last questions is how do I know what it’s when it’s a real habit or when it’s just a blip, right? Like so Andrea’s example, I come around the corner and I see them change the screen. How is a woman or how do I know that that’s it’s a real issue? Only by doing a little detective work could you find out if it’s, you know, a lot of men would toss that off, honey, I don’t know. This thing just popped up. I don’t know about you Doug, but I get stuff at my computer all the time. Women who want to meet me and they want to do things to me. I mean, I don’t know. Doug: I mean they go to a junk trash pile and my computer, but I mean, we’re surrounded with garbage in our lives. And so I say you have to do some investigative work ladies and sometimes you do. I mean is this man spending a lot of money on films that you don’t know about or purchases from stores that sell pornography. Can a man happen upon something? Yes, but even a chance happening of something, it’s pornographic will stay in a man’s mind. Doug: I know I just talked about my upbringing my first 21 years and my mother marched me to church, all that and I remember one of the songs we used to sing as little kids would be careful little feet where you go and be careful little eyes what you see. It’s amazing stuff that I think I hated and stayed away from as a youngster. As I get old, I see the, I’m thankful for our mother who cared enough about her kid to take them to Sunday School and church and be careful little eyes what you see. Be careful little ears what you hear. Be careful a little feet where you go. Isn’t that good advice for the Terpenings and the Lehmans and everybody else? I think it is. Doug: How will getting and reading the book Intimate Connections help protect my marriage from this happening in my home. Dr. Leman: Well for some of you who really don’t have a solid foundation in your marriage and you know it, it’ll help get you to a point where you have a foundation. It may not be a super foundation, but nevertheless it will be a foundation where you can function well in your marriage. For those of you who just never connected, you never got an opportunity to really share who you really were with your husband and your wife for all kinds of reasons, because some of the baggage that both of you brought into that marriage, there’s hope for you. It gives you a starting point. It’s going to help you to be able to communicate. It’s going to teach you how to respond and not just react. It’s going to give you a chance to figure something out that you probably know that you are a direct result of the relationship that you had with your mom and your dad and your siblings. Dr. Leman: But it’ll give you a framework and honest framework to take a look at an honest look at who you are, your pluses in your minuses, and I think more than anything else, it’ll give you a hope that if you read this book and implement some of the ideas in it, that you can get to a point of oneness and marriage. And that’s the goal. Will, everybody have the intimate connection? No, I’m going to tell you they won’t, but you can get close to it. And if you’re close to the intimate connection, you’re going to have a good solid marriage. Doug: So as always, I know I repeat myself, but it’s because I care about you. Believe it or not, these are the kinds of things that will change life in the positive ways of reading this book and feeling closer to your spouse. Like Andrea and I have gone through seasons where I didn’t want to be with her at all. Like I would have been nice in some ways not to be with her, but man, I would have been a fool and today as we’ve gotten closer and closer like we are now, it’s crazy, amazingly wonderful. Like it’s way better than I ever thought life could be. Buy the book because it’ll give you new concepts, new tools, new ways of communicating that will allow you to feel closer and there’s nothing better than feeling closer to your wife is what I’m trying to say. For your sake, not for mine, for your sake, go do this. Doug: Okay, great to be with you guys today, and as always, we love doing this with you and we love being a part of this. Continue to send in questions, and you’re allowed to rate and review what you think about the podcast. You’re allowed to pass it on. If you know a friend who’s struggling with this issue right now, I highly encourage you to just text her or however you communicate with her and just tell her, hey, there’s this really might apply to what you’re trying to deal with life right now. So thanks. And we look forward to next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a good week. Doug: Take care. Bye. Bye.
How do you foster sibling relationships? – Ask Dr. Leman 122 (Episode 261)
Episode of
Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman
It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do you foster sibling relationships?” Find out Dr. Leman’s answer in today’s episode. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– May 14 – 20: A Powerful Secret (The Worthington Destiny Book #2) ebook for $3.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**   Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Do you feel like all your kids ever do is fight? Is it that your kids actually take toys from one another, and then it turns into an all out brawl? Are you worried that your kids are never going to like each other? Well, that’s the question that Megan asked today about her three year old daughter, and how she treats the one year olds. We get to ask Dr. Leman, how do we get kids to like each other and get along? Hi, I’m Doug [Tripponine 00:00:34]. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are here with us today. If this happens to be your first time, this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you, or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Well, I say we jump right into this, Ask Dr. Leman, but before we do, I just want to remind everybody you can go to birthorderguy.com, birthorderguy.com, and there are tons of resources there from on Dr. Leman’s website. You can also go to birthorderguy/podcastquestion, and leave us an audio question right there for us as well, and your question might get answered here on the podcast, so let me jump into Megan’s question. Megan: Hi, Dr. Leman. I’m so glad to have your podcast back. It’s been great to listen to. My question is about siblings, and how to foster that relationship? I have a three year old daughter, and twin one year olds. My question is specifically for my three year old. Megan: She has started to become more and more territorial with her toys. She tends to put them in a pile where her sisters can’t reach them. She will take toys from her sisters. The biggest thing that we’re seeing is she watches what her sisters are doing, and tries to get to the toy before they do. We want to be able to respond and not react to that. Megan: We are currently sending her to her room for these episodes, but it does not seem to be getting any better. We try to talk to her about it afterwards, and talk about what she did, and what she could’ve done in that situation, and we’re continuing to see these behaviors. She has a basket of toys in her room that are specifically her toys, but the game room is toys for everybody. I would love to hear what you do for siblings? Thanks, bye. Dr. Leman: That is a great question. I’m sure there is a lot of parents who struggle with this one. We use the term, get behind the child’s eyes, and get behind your husband’s eyes, and get behind your wife’s eyes. Well, let’s get behind three year old’s eyes. Let’s go back just a year to the big event in her life when the things were born. The things come home from the hospital, and there is all kinds of fanfare about these adorable little twins, and pretty soon that kid starts thinking, “Wait a minute. I don’t think this is going to be as good as I’ve been told. I think this is a problem. I think these little suckers are invaders, and I believe that they’re invading my turf.” Dr. Leman: Everything you said about your three year old daughter tells me that she is perceptive. She has a good head on her shoulders. She’s got street smarts. I mean, as you were talking I had written down, put toys up, and right after I wrote that you said, “She puts toys out of reach of the twins.” Smart little kid you got there. You also mentioned that after things happen you’ve tried to sit and talk with her, and essentially reason with her. I would suggest you don’t do that. Let’s start there. Dr. Leman: I think you ought to join forces with her and say, “Honey, listen, I know you have those there, but you know I think we should put them higher.” I’d make it a point, “Put them higher, or could I put these in my closet in the bedroom. I don’t think I’d want the twins playing with this. This is your stuff here. This is just for you.” In other words, you have to sell your three year old on the notion that she’s okay, that these invaders are not going to take her over. These invaders can hardly talk. They don’t say full sentences. They don’t go to preschool. They have to take this many naps a day. You’re a big girl, you only take one nap a day. In other words, you have to find a way of conveying to your daughter, “Honey, you’re going to be okay.” Dr. Leman: Now, there she is taking things away from the little ones. That’s vindictive behavior. It’s a reaction on her part. You want to talk with her about something? Talk with her about that. Say, “Honey, I notice you want to run in, and take the toys from your little sisters, and you know, quite frankly, that’s not a nice thing to do. But, I’m wondering if you’re doing it because you feel like somehow you’re not going to get enough loves, or kisses, or hugs from mommy or daddy? You know, that isn’t so. We love you. You’re the oldest, and you get to do things that they don’t get to do. And we have expectations for you that we don’t have for those, they’re too little. They don’t know much yet, but you know a lot. Do you remember last Spring when we took you to the circus? Did we take the little ones with us? No, grandma babysat them. Why? Well, number one they’re too young to enjoy a circus, but number two, we wanted to just spend time with you. You’re a big girl. We like our time just with you.” Dr. Leman: Obviously, when you put the little ones down, you make a comment as you’re reading a story, “Honey, I love just this time with you and me, you know, with nobody else around. The little twins are sleeping. It’s just you and me. Don’t you love our time together?” In other words, what I’m asking you to be, Megan, is a salesperson to your own children. You’re just making her feel a little bit more comfortable about her place, so that competitive nature where she’s running in and taking things from them, and all that, that’s just a measure of her insecurity. She feels the enemy forces moving in on her territory, so anyway, I hope that’s helped. What do you guys think, you’ve raised four kids? Andrea: Well, I was just thinking about what you’re saying. It sounds like you are gathering that maybe in this home that she hasn’t gotten the, I’m going to use attention, but maybe the vitamin E that she’s needed as an individual because all the attention has been poured on to the twins. It reminds me of something you’ve said to do with older kids where you might say to the child who’s feeling left out, or whatever, “Wow, don’t you think your brother is a little over the top?” Is this the same idea where you might say to this three year old, “I agree those one year olds are kind of like…” Dr. Leman: Yeah. Let’s face it, a mom’s got three kids under three, so mom is not the picture of vitality. By the end of the day, I mean, she’s wound down. I mean thank goodness they’re all in bed. Mom needs to take care of herself. But, the tendency with three year old is to try, and reason with her. I would suggest you don’t go down that rabbit trail. Andrea: I would think my tendency would be to defend the one year olds, and to point out what the three year old is doing wrong, but what you’re saying is no. Like you said, “Join forces with that three year old, and get behind their eyes what they’re seeing happened,” and just to affirm who they are as an individual as well. Doug: Dr. Leman, what’s going to happen if the mom comes in and says, “Three year old, stop that. That’s mean, and that’s-” Andrea: “You’re being selfish.” Doug: “That’s not how the Smiths do it around here.” What are we doing to that three year old? Dr. Leman: Well, if you had a video camera set up where the twins sleep, you would catch on video the three year old coming in some day, and just pinching little sister until she cries, stuff like that. You’re just going to build resentment in that child, and that child, I’m telling you, that three year old she’s a smart little cookie already, Megan. She’s going to find ways of nailing those two little suckers. You don’t want that, so again, you need to appear to be on her side to understand that her turf has been invaded, and you’re the one that pushed those two little suckers out, so you got to owe up to that. I’m laughing at myself, which is never good. Doug: On the flip side, Dr. Leman, can we foster our kids liking each other? Dr. Leman: Well, when three year old shares, and three year old will share, the three year old will take on the role eventually of little mother. She’ll be telling the twins what to do when they’re 18 months old, I guarantee it. She’ll be saying, “Oh, you don’t want that, you want this,” as she takes the new toy away, and gives her the old dirty one. “Oh, you want this one, see. Its got more color in it.” “I thought that was dirt?” “No, that’s color. That’s just color.” I mean, I can see it now. Dr. Leman: But, when you see your oldest being kind, or thoughtful not only to the twins, but to mom, or to dad, or to the cat, or the dog, just a simple encouraging comment about, “You know, it’s nice to see that you know how to treat animals, or you know how to treat your sister. That was a kind thing you did,” whatever. They’re just little editorial comments that are full of vitamin E, which again, keep in mind that when you’re using vitamin E, encouragement, you’re talking about the act not the actor, so it’s not, “Oh, you’re the best big sister in the world.” It’s, “Oh honey, I appreciate that kindness you just did to your sister. That was more than kind and thoughtful. Thank you.” That’s encouragement because it’s zeroed in on the act not the actor, if that’ll help you parents distinguish between praise and encouragement. Doug: We’re going to continue the podcast in just a moment, but now we get Straight Talk with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: People have said to me in emails, “Leman, you’re not very smart.” Well, I agree. I listen to my wife. She confirms that from time to time. I’m not the smartest guy on the block. But, when I’m introduced at events, or maybe it’s just that I’m getting old as dirt, I get introduced as a man of wisdom. I laugh at that because when I was young they said I was a wise guy. Now all of a sudden, I got wisdom. Dr. Leman: But, a couple of things. B doesn’t start until A is complete. In the mega best selling New York Times best selling book, Have a New Kid By Friday, if you’ve never read that, read it. By the way, it works with husbands too, ladies, if you’re interested. I make this statement, B doesn’t start until A is completed. Think about the daily battles you have with your son, or your daughter. What would happen, what would be different in your life if you employed this simple paradigm that B doesn’t start until A is completed? How does that look in your family? Dr. Leman: Your son wants the keys to the car to go some place. He’s 16 years old. He promised to clean his room, and you’ve threatened to bring in the exterminator. All you want is the room shoveled out. You want it in some kind of organized fashion. But no, he wants to go and take the keys to the car. Well, let’s employ that B doesn’t start until A is completed. “Honey, I’d love to give you the keys to the car. I know you’d like to go and shot hoops with your buddy, or go hang out at the mall, or do whatever, but in our home B doesn’t start until A gets completed, so your A list includes cleaning up your room, and if you wouldn’t mind, do the dog flop patrol in the backyard. It’s getting a little smelly out there. I’ll talk to you again after you completed A.” Dr. Leman: It’s as simple as that. It keeps you out of the face-to-face battle. It turns tables on a son, or a daughter. “Honey, this is on you. You’re the one that said you were going to do this. You’re the one that signed up for this. When that’s done, then we’ll talk about the next project.” Turn your back and walk away. That’s the tip of the day straight from my shoulder to hopefully your ears and your heart. B doesn’t start until A is completed. Try it. It works. Doug: Before we go back to the show, we have the eBook special from Baker Books, which is Powerful Secrets, the Worthington Series #2 Book for $3.99. Dr. Leman: Okay fiction people, this is your opportunity. If you’d enjoy a series of books, this is book #2 we’re offering, and for only $3.99, I think you’ll enjoy this series. This is a book that will test your metal. See if you can figure out the person of interest here, the guy that’s doing some things that maybe you didn’t suspect were being done, but it’s fiction, okay. Fiction is fiction. It’s different than writing non-fiction for sure. By the way, there is all kind of rules in writing fiction that I found out as I went through these three books. But, it’s a series that focuses on the first born child’s view of life, the second born’s view of life, and the youngest child’s view of life. It’s a story of The Worthingtons, the first born, the middle child, and the youngest child. It’s got a lot of curve balls in it. It’s a book, I think, you’re going to enjoy for $3.99, my goodness. Read it. Let us know what you think. I’d love to know. Doug: Well thank you, Dr. Leman. To the parents that are out there that are like, “Ah, it’s too much work to try, and sit down with my three year old. I’d rather just tell them stop it, and don’t do this, and all these types of things.” What are we going to create in that three year old if we do that? Dr. Leman: Well, you’re just going to create more animosity toward the kids. You’re going to really develop a rebellious spirit in that child on top of that, so just take this podcast to heart. Do some things different. Really work at getting behind those kid’s eyes, especially this little three year old right now. The one year olds they’re at the gimme stage. They don’t care about anything. They have no self interest in anybody else other than themselves, and so concentrate on that three year old. Doug: For those that may not have heard it, how important is parenting at the three year old age to be doing it right? Dr. Leman: Well at three, check this out, your child’s personality is probably about 60% formed, so at four, 80%. I mean somewhere between 5 and 7 if you get all of the shrinks in the world together in the same auditorium, that’d be a big auditorium, the one thing they’d probably agree on is that personality is formed within the first 5, 6, 7 years of life, so these early years are important. They’re formative. Try not to react. It’s easy to react. That’s never the good way. Try to respond. If the three year old is getting out of hand, you can always pick them up, remove them from the scene, talk with them for a while, give them a little quiet time in their own room, and life goes on. Doug: The only reason I bring that up is just for parents that are out there that, especially for these tired moms that are wondering, is it really worth it for me to spend 10 minutes having this conversation with my kid just to say it pays off big time long term because you’ve told us the stat, that right by 5 you’re done, so put out the hard work in now, and it’ll pay off long term. Doug: Megan, thank you for submitting that question. It’s great. We love to hear what you guys are thinking about, and the questions you have to ask Dr. Leman, so please keep doing that. Again, you can go to birthorderguy.com, and find all sorts of resources, and subscribe there. If you’re enjoying this podcast you are allowed to hit five stars and leave a rating, or review. As always, if something perks your ears, and you think, man, this might be a real blessing to one of my friends, or my sister-in-law then feel free to share it to them as well on Facebook, or email, or however you want to, so that is not illegal. Thanks for being with us, and [inaudible 00:16:24] that parenting toolbox. We look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Bye-bye.
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Location
Los Angeles, CA, USA
Episode Count
249
Podcast Count
1
Total Airtime
3 days, 15 hours