(Plop water distance)
Ace: He’s just thrown something into the lake. Indeed, what IS he doing?
Dick: Ah HAAA! Surprise motherfuckers!
Brian: What the-oof-ARGH!
Dick: It’s a Full on Metal Jackass! The Helmet Underground! Caught me two Charlies in the bush! Recon update sir; snakes and rats the size of dogs, heat, rain, smoke, helicopter overhead. Smell of diesel. Pitch black, VC is out there. We set down the claymores. Hot zone. Tormented screams above the gunfire. Crouch in my fox hole. Bloodied feet. Wait. M16 in hand, radio in the other. Air support won’t be long. Lay down that Rolling Thunder. Charlie hates that! The jungle is relentless, Hot, muggy, wet in your sweat. Malaria! But they’re out there, them Kooks in the bush. Can’t run! Booby trapped pungi pits full of sharpened, dung-tipped bamboo! Long way from boom-boom with my baby back in DaNang…
Ace: Dick? (Slaps) Are you alright?
Dick: Wha? What are you looking at me for?! Stop that!
Ace: You don’t look alright.
Dick: Ah, young Ace. It’s you! Phew, bit the livin’. I was a goner there. I was done for. I was back in ‘Nam for a second. The big giant weeds brought it all back.
Ace: Ah come on now Dick, you do realise you are too young for serving in Vietnam? Asides from the fact, that you are not even American?
Dick: Have you not seen ‘Platoon’! I was there! 24th of April 1987. In the cinema, front row, big bag of popcorn. Like it was yesterday! Aw, aw… Bubbles, did you shit?
Brian: What are ya doin’? It’s these giant plants not me!
Dick: Have you ever seen such an abundance? At least 10 foot tall. Arms three feet wide with the purple headed flower... The fat stems green with purple blotches and white hairs. Thorny as fuck and gives me the itch! Like my last girlfriend! Nyheheheh. (Scratches).
Ace: I’d say Professor Keith is looking for you.
Dick: You could be right.
Ace: As he’s just arrived in the carpark.
Dick: Has he now?
Keith: (distant) AHHH FUUUUUCK!!!
Dick: He sounds happy.
Bubbles: But he’s leaving again. He’s getting back in the car.
Dick: He’s got a rake of classes coming up, he better be quick whatever he’s at or I’ll’ve to substitute.
Ace: You mean you’d be teaching? Are you qualified?
Dick: Broadleaf said I could maybe do some now Mr Tash is MIA, sure how hard can it be?
Ace: Oh. Right. You could get some good experience. Maybe use it to get on a course and go back to third level education to get a certificate?
Dick: Back to third level? What are ya on about? I never even made it into second level!
Brian: Hihihihih, imagine Dick in secondary school, like that lad ‘JJ Newsome’ we had in our class, five o’clock shadow, all mature hihihihihih! I’m older than him now than he was then.
Dick: That’d be quaren good now hah? Can yis imagine? Think of the young ones looking for the manly leadership. Looking atcha; curious, toyin’ with the curls. You there with the haggard grizzled face of: ‘been-there-got-lost-trying-but-back-now’. Open the book, suck my cock off and I’ll set you free! Teach you all you need to not make the same mistakes. Save up your mature student’s allowance to take her out… Clit like a sniper’s bullet!
George: We leave Dick as he harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. Over then to Chiselton Manor, where Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat.
(Exercising to video) (Doorbell rings)
Sinead: Hang on a second. I’m coming!
Wubba: (outside) I fwuckin’ wish.
Sinead: Oh, hi O’Toole. What has you here?
Wubba: Can I come in?
Sinead: No not really. Why?
Wubba: Because I’m standing outside for a stawt.
Sinead: And? Listen I have to study.
Wubba: Ah cwome on Sinead, twought I’d dwop by to say hello.
Sinead: You just have O’Toole! Goodbye!
Wubba: I was, I was spweakin’ to Bubbles today.
Sinead: Good for you! See ya!
Wubba: He was asking afta ya. Him and Ace were sittin’ at the lake an-
Sinead: Ace? (Click, door unlocks) What’s the gossip so? Does he have any more news on the fire?
Wubba: Ah thanks Sinead.
Sinead: You can’t stay long. I really need to study and besides, my father hates boys in the house.
Wubba: Ah, can’t bwame him. You and Cware are hot shit. I spent some twime with your sister locked in a wawdwobe once. We was in a shack with a fweak that had dead fweet around his neck!
Sinead: We don’t need speak of that in this house. Clare is still in therapy.
Wubba: I’d ask you for a Wibena but-
Sinead: Ribena? That’s a child’s Vitamin C drink.
Wubba: But I’ll go for a cwoffee thanks. I’m off the Wibena for a while, it’s a sugary fukka.
Sinead: You want a coffee, in my house?
Wubba: Lovely thwanks! A twap o’ milk, a Hermeseta if you have it. Nice kitchen! Marble counter n’ all. What’s this book? “GAMSAT”, What the fwuck is that?
Sinead: That is my test book for getting into graduate medical school, put it down. Oh, and I’m sorry O’Toole. We’re out of coffee.
Wubba: Wha? No cwoffee? Everyone has cwoffee!
Sinead: Serious. None here. Daddy forgot to order it on Tesco last night.
Wubba: Shoulda told me, I’d have brought some around.
Sinead: Pity that. So you can stop looking through the cupboards now.
Wubba: What’s this jar then? Sez ‘cwoffee’ on the front.
Sinead: Show me that.
Wubba: Ah looka, gwound coffee in here there sure, look! You taking the pwiss?
Sinead: No, I, daddy said that there was- just nevermind, If I make you a coffee, will you go?
Wubba: After I dwink it sure! Hahaha!
Sinead: Ha-ha-hhh, so! Mr Tash saving Floyd in the school Friday night… What do you know?
Wubba: Fwuck all! Been twying to get hold of Fwoyd. He’s hanging awound with a chap called Mauldy.
Sinead: Don’t think I know him.
Wubba: You wouldn’t want ta. He’s big twime on the ganja that lad. He’s a fwat up on the main stweet.
Sinead: Good to know. Ok, here, one coffee, drink up!
Wubba: Lovely! (Slurp, gulp) Ahhh. That’s a fwunny fwuckin’ taste. Here, have you any bwuiscuits? (slurp)
(Sound of car approaching outside)
Sinead: Oh no! It’s daddy, if he even smells you here. Quick! In here!
Wubba: Stop pullin’ out of me! Mind the cwoffee!
Sinead: NOW! Don’t fuck around. He’ll see you. Into the study room! Get in the wardrobe!
Wubba: Aw here. Not the wawdwobe again.
Sinead: Fucking shut up. And whatever you do, don’t spill that coffee!
Wubba: Will I be in your sister in here again? Hawawawa! (slurp) Some mad twaste of that.
Sinead: Hi Dad! Back already?
Keith: Ah I forgot my big book of botany, can’t ask one of the classroom plebs for a loan of one can I? No! They’d be flatulating with glee and gyrating like hyenas. Bad enough I’m going to be late to a class! What IS that smell?
Sinead: Eh, I was working out to the dvd.
Keith: Meeeeh, Sinead, just get out of my way, I need to look for it in the study.
Sinead: I, uh, eh…
Wubba: (Slurp. Smack of lips)
Keith: This is just exasperating. I still have to book a ticket for San Diego. Two more weeks Keith, you can survive. How dare Broadleaf fuck with me by not granting my holiday request. “You have no more days Professor!” Ngngngng, cunt! I’ll show him. It’s Comic-Con or bust baby! Neal Adams! Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; souvenir book signing! And finally meeting Paul Levitz! Oh God… Breathe Keith breathe. Ah here it is! You baaastard…
Wubba: (Flicks lighter). Cwomics! Comics everywhere! He’s a comic fweak! (Starts to choke)
Keith: Back by six Sinead, lock up behind me. And entrance exams won’t pass themselves! Bye!
Keith: Sinead, what was that?
Sinead: Eh, my, my tampons. Box of them sitting on my medical books, they must’ve fallen.
Keith: Meegh, I’m gone. Cretins await!
Sinead: Shit shit shit shit! Wubba? Wubba? Are you ok?
Wubba: (Red, choking) I can’t bwea, I can’t bwea, urrrrrhhhh, urrrrgh.
Sinead: Oh-my-god, your face?! It’s a balloon.
Wubba: Cwall d’f- d’fu, d’fwuckin’ ambwulance bwitch! (Wheeze, wretch)
Sinead: No-no-no-no! This is not happening. You spilled coffee on daddy’s comics!
George: Large-lipped lampoonery leads to lauching himself under a wardrobe for Peter ‘Wubba’ O’Toole. Back at UCLS grounds, it’s time for some ‘Steep Gradient’ as a fully bandaged Norman Tash delivers a crater of geography.
Tash: Yes, yes... Sit down. I can assure you that I have the rest of his face under these bandages nor is half of my buttock grafted there also. Now, Ace? Eh, I-I can’t see you amongst the lights…
Ace: I’m here. Hi.
Tash: How is Floyd doing, I haven’t seen him since I was discharged.
Ace: Oh, he’s back to “normal”
Tash: Don’t do that with your fingers Ace.
Floyd: Eh, I am like, here, Mr Tash, talking about me like I was dead or something.
Tash: Ah, so you are. Paying attention for once...
UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast.
Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind.
Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe. Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears.
Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right.