George: Comics or offspring? Which ones have been violated now, Professor, mmm? Off he rushes through the bushes as we pause to take sanctuary. At LoughFeg’s Episcopalian Church. Reading the sermon today is the most Reverend… Mauldy?

Floyd: The-the dude was steaming angry. Even the big veins in his eyes flared up.

Mauldy: Ah Jesus… May God have mercy on his hole! Huwaaa! Huwaaa!

Floyd: Sshhh! We’re in a church… He’s listening…

Mauldy: My relative, he was buggered by a priest.

Floyd: That’s harsh.

Mauldy: Look at that sky pilot in the dress up there. What a soldier of morality! Look at his teeth, clenched ever tightly, lest an errant choirboy’s penis should just flop in there by accident. HO! Huuawaa! Ah Mauldy, sick, he comes out with the sick stuff.

Floyd: Mauldy, you are well spoken vagabond!

Mauldy: Here, that Ace lad’s a loser… he thinks he’s great. But I know his father… (Posh voice) Couldn’t quite get you into private college my boy! Huwaaa! Huwaaa! He’s UCLS.

Floyd: Better off doing nothing eh Mauldy?

Mauldy: Curse-a-jesus, it’s hard work if you want your dole! They don’t want our likes spending it on  download websites or rotten beer in Correll’s.

Floyd: Then it’s a dead end job for me.

Mauldy: (Cockney) Why not be a drug deala!

Floyd: No, be a principal of a school! That’s easy. Don’t ever need a qualification. 

Mauldy: Ah these days you do. Need a qualification to drive a PC or have shit in a toilet.

Floyd: Didn’t our last-

Mauldy: Come on, let’s get the fuck out of here, I got what I came for.

Floyd: You stashed it here?

Mauldy: God’s house is a safe house! Huwaaa! Huwaaa! Hey, forget about that posh lad and let’s get this into ya yeah?

Floyd: Eh, is that?-

Mauldy: That’s right!

Floyd: No way!

Mauldy: Charlie-charlie-charlie-Haha! You just graduated to the fuckin’ big league!

Floyd: Heheheh. Cool.

Mauldy: Bring it on! Bite the fist! Arrghgmmmm. Huuawaa! I am, rejoicing!

Floyd: Let’s go down to the lough. No one’ll see us down there.

Priest: And vultures begin to circle, they start swooping in… Then darkness falls..

Mauldy: No-one’ll see this down here either look it!

Floyd: Oh that’s genius, wearing black tights to keep it warm and close. Awesome…

Mauldy: Smart eh? Have money rolled up in the sock sure.

Floyd: It’s a nice evening for it. Hey! Hey! What about becoming a teacher? That’s a dead end job right? Wit holidays!

Mauldy: Fuck all money in that, all the stress.

Floyd: This future remains open! Meanwhile, here at LoughFeg’s Lough Feg…

Mauldy: Ah fuckin’ jungle! Woargh! Jurassic park! What’s going on? Huwaaa! Huwaaa! Lads with hands the size of shovels coming at ya, not a stitch on them! Have to hide on them. Amongst the weeds! Could get raped! (High voice) But he had a mickey like a wet towel! Ho! Huuaawaa! Sick.

Floyd: The doobie brothers to the rescue.

Mauldy: Where’s the sounds, where’s the sounds?

Floyd: Floyd has some ‘Floyd! Got cool little speakers, look.

Mauldy: Bose. That’s cool isn’t it?

Floyd: Yeah, Animals, side 1. Cassette… Let’s do it…

Mauldy: Aw, I love it! Fuckin’ love it! Get this into ya Gandalf! Come on!  

Floyd: Aw yeah, hahahah, yeah…

George: Bite the fist! Get it into yaaa! Go on the Mauldy! At that moment elsewhere, Norman Tash is moving molehills.

Tash: Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

Ace: Hi Mr Tash.

Tash: Listen. Regarding the medal, I think I may have the answer.

Ace: Oh yeah?

Tash: Quid pro quo yes?

Brian: That’s in a film isn’t it?

Ace: Silence my lamb.

Brian: Wha?

Tash: I think you should perform an intervention on Floyd. It’s the only way to save him now. Believe me.

Ace: That’s all very Masters of the Universe isn’t it?

Brian: Floyd does look a bit like a Skeletor. 

Tash: If you summon the courage to approach your friend, both of you, to forcefully make him see the error of his ways, to convince him to admit to his indiscretions and seek help… I really think he can-

Ace: I am Ace, Prince of Cytheria, Defender of the idiots, at Castle Dumbskull. This one cringes; my fearful Bubbles.

Brian: Hello.

Tash: Em…

Ace: Fabulous naked prowess was revealed to me the day I held aloft my meaty sword and said "By the power of Dumbskull, I have the power!”

Brian: (Di-di-di-di! Etc)

Ace: Bubbles came with a mighty ‘Asthma Attack’ and I became Intervention-Man, the most powerful man with a Master’s of the Universe.

Brian: (Sneeze)

Ace: Only three others share this secret: our friends Norman Tash, an inhaler bottle, and some sticky-backed plastic. Together we will end Castle Dumbskull’s evil possession of Skeletor. By the power of Dumbskull!

Tash: ACE!!! Shut up! This is not the time to be sarcastic! I‘m aware of the cartoon…

Ace: Floyd is hardly on death’s door though. A bit of a spliff and well, some other minor indulgences…

Tash: He burnt down half a bloody school! Em, I mean, look you must trust me. And if you do this, I promise you, I will wade deep into Lough Feg and retrieve my medal and restore my honour and acceptance. Okay?

Ace: It’s actually not very deep…

Brian: Half a metre, it’s more of a pond really.

Tash: Then I shall not be out of depth on this issue, correct? And you neither!

Brian: Come on Ace, I told you, I’m worried about Floyd, he’s on a slippery slope.

Ace: What do you know about-

Tash: Accccceee.

Ace: Fine! It’s a deal! Medal for an intervention…

Brian: Well done Ace, Prince of Cytheria. I’m proud of you.

Ace: Have you SEEN her new video? I couldn’t sleep. Look at my bags.

Brian: Bulging.

Tash: Now in no way is this like the Munich Agreement but I have to first go back to the hospital to remove some bandages as you can see… And also to call in on Wubba but after that I’m getting wet!

Ace: Did you say Wubba? What happened to him?

Tash: Seems he was at the Chiseltons.

Brian: What?

Tash: I don’t know the details and frankly I don’t want to. But his head is like a balloon I hear.

Brian: Good enough for the fukka. He’s responsible for everything wrong at the moment. Floyd. Sinead! Everything!

Tash: Bubbles, now is the time for a little benevolence.

Brian: Benevil wha? I’ll bevel him with some violence alright, if he makes it out of hospital. I want to see him!

Ace: Let’s find Floyd Bubbles, we’re not going to the hospital!

Brian: But but-

Ace: I said No!

Bubbles: You’re like my father now. (Inhaler) You think you’re the great lad.

Ace: Someone has to be my tubular bell. We’re going to action that plan! But first we have science in the new prefab if we can stumble through this jungle…

UCLS III (Hogweed) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast.

Welcome back to our U.C.L.S. friends! It’s year 3 at University College LoughFeg State. And it seems Floyd Frisbane has made a new friend and judging by the goings on last night at the main college building, he may find him too hot to handle! Todaytime has us with Accursis ‘Ace’ Byrne and Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury, as they endure Saturday morning detention by planting seeds. Geography teacher Norman Tash is the hero of the hour. And he gets a medal for it! Science Professor Keith Chiselton meanwhile bristles with hardly concealed hatred for all of peoplekind. Come Monday morning, he’s at UCLS gates exchanging unpleasantries with UCLS janitor Richard Soupe.

Professor Keith Chiselton: Loving father and comic obsessive. For his daughter Sinead, after her Year One online virginity auction, she’s studying to be a Doctor! Afterwards we go to LoughFeg’s Lough Feg where Accursis, Brian and Floyd gaze at their lint-filled navels. Dick harbours delusions of grandeur with powerful molestation as a UCLS teacher. While at Chiselton Manor, Sinead Chiselton is pumping out the sweat before large-lipped lampoonery leads Peter 'Wubba' O'Toole into launching himself under a wardrobe. Well, it's action-packed isn't it? And there's so much more in this 90-minute audio comedy adventure. Manna for the ears.

Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right.