Bible Beaters

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Best Episodes of Bible Beaters

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EP20 (Exodus 3-4) The Israelites are miserably enslaved and god decides to send help for his favorite people so he decides Moses is the man for the job. The only problem is that Moses really doesn’t wanna be the guy. God then has to convince this little shit that Moses is, in fact, the right guy for the job. Moses performs a few magic tricks but Kyle and Caleb are unimpressed and get massively sidetracked. God decides to kill Moses but his mom comes to the rescue just in time and circumcises Moses and rubs the foreskin on his feet. Seriously, it’s pretty weird. It’s also confirmed that god’s plan is to kill people. The post God’s Plan 2.0 – (Exodus 3-4) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP15 (Genesis 38 – 41) In this episode we find out that god does in fact cry over spilled semen, or rather will put you to death for it. One can be redeemed by becoming a prostitute though so don’t despair. Next back to the dreamer and his fancy cloak. Joseph get’s #metoo’d but saves the entire country from a famine by interpreting some night time work delusions. Praise yahweh!In this episode we find out that god does in fact cry over spilled semen, or rather will put you to death for it. One can be redeemed by becoming a prostitute though so don’t despair. Next back to the dreamer and his fancy cloak. Joseph get’s #metoo’d but saves the entire country from a famine by interpreting some night time work delusions. Praise yahweh! The post DreamWeaver – (Genesis 38 – 41) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep63 (Deuteronomy 6-7) The lord of hosts explains why his broadcasting school went bankrupt. God gives the Israelites a bunch of reasons why he is better than the other gods. Then he tells the Israelites to invade and plunder the people in the promise land.  God issues number of threats including the hornet that Kyle finds hilarious. Caleb tries to explain the concept of spiritual warfare and nearly goes insane justifying its veracity. A listener asks how to get over the irrational fear of hell. The post Hell Awaits – (Deuteronomy 6-7) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP53 (Numbers 25 – 26) Kyle gets misogynistic about women and he hates dogs. Caleb gets misogynistic about women drivers. We dive right into an orgy with the Moabites. God, who is slow to anger and abounding in forgiveness of rebellion, is, of course, SUPER jealous and commands Moses to kill the leadership. Then while they are weeping a man brings a woman to bang in his tent. God strikes down 24,000 people with the plague. So a descendant of A-A-Ron stabs them both with a spear. Joshua is selected as the new leader of Israel. The post Harder, Harder, Too Hard! – (Numbers 25 – 26) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP28 (Exodus 23-24) Kyle and Caleb discuss failed business ventures. Kyle tells everyone who listens to this podcast to “GO FUCK YOURSELVES” Caleb calmly tells him to lower his eyebrows. The podcasts divulges into a general discussion about Christianity and what Jesus talked about. Then we get to talking about more of gods laws. The post God Likes Meeting in Private – (Exodus 23-24) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP29 (Exodus 25-28) Caleb tells us of his trip to Los Angeles. Next we learn about the exact specifications of the things that likes. He likes Ark’s, tents, tables, basins, lamp stands, priestly garments, murder, oil, and incense. Kyle accuses god of being a sixteen year old girl. Honestly its pretty boring. Even pastor Wesley asked if we were gonna read this shit. The post The Shitcast or How to Build a Shitty Table – (Exodus 25-28) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep33 (Leviticus 1 – 4) Kyle gives us a summary of the bible up to this point which highlights how little he pays attention. Then we dive into the book of Leviticus. Which is primarily about what animals god wants you to kill and how to kill them. Not humanely is the answer. We learn about the 5 types of offerings and when one is supposed to offer them (hint: all the time). Kyle postulates that the economics of sinning make it virtually impossible for any person to practice god’s laws. The post Not Enough Goats to Burn – (Leviticus 1 – 4) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP52 (Numbers 23 – 24) The unfaithful muse about child rearing. Biblically, we return to the story of Balaam who gets eternally blamed for doing exactly what god says. The king offers Balaam money to curse the Jews but Balaam is a gangster and blesses them instead. After the meaningless blessings, Israel has an orgy in the shadow of the false God Baal. Needless to say, god is pissed. Some great listener emails this week. The post Blame Balaam – (Numbers 23 – 24) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP21 (Exodus 5-6) Caleb tries to tell us about his rugby game. Kyle interrupts to say nothing. In the bible Moses and A-A-ron reluctantly agree to be the voice of god and tell Pharaoh to let god’s people go because they wanna go to burning man. Instead of simply changing Pharaoh’s mind to be nice to the Jews, god hardens Pharaoh’s heart… and our dicks. Pharaoh says no way Mosé and for even asking for days off your work is now doubled. Everyone is pissed at Moses so he complains back to god. God says “watch this shit. I’ve been waiting to have a reason so smite these mofo’s with plagues.” The post Big Gay Retard – (Exodus 5-6) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP56 (Numbers 32 – 33) The Lord of Hosts recounts his hellish Christmas party gigs. Then they talk about how to become a man in a hot tub. In the Bible the Jews cross the Jordan river and conquer more territories. Of course god gets angry about something and it makes him aroused. The post The Lords Anger is Arousing – (Numbers 32 – 33) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP34 (Leviticus 4 – 7) Caleb tells us about his weekend in PG which naturally devolves into a heated argument about animal abuse. Biblically, we get into the concepts of thought crime and how one can be guilty for the sins of others, more regulations about what animals to burn, abstract ideas about what it means to be holy (nothing), topped off with nepotism sanctioned by the lord god. At the end we read an email about the parallels of the bible to the moron bible, I mean mormon. The post The Irony of a Holy Dildo – (Leviticus 4 – 7) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep37 (Leviticus 15 – 16) The Bible Beaters get philosophical about gods ethics vs the Apostle Paul’s ethics after Caleb gets trolled on Facebook. Does morality evolve? the Bible says yes despite the fact god is timeless. Next we learn about how to make things unclean: 1. have a discharge 2. touch anything. Menstruation is very unclean and women who do it are not allowed to touch anybody for a week. Kyle bets a six pack that only 25% of people have periods. He loses. The biblical priests also gamble with the lives of the goats and kill one on god’s orders. The post Discharge on an Escape Goat – (Leviticus 15 – 16) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP60 (Deuteronomy 2.5-4) The unfaithful compare their terrible haircuts. Kyle fat shames Caleb. God promises to help destroy Israel’s neighbors. So the Jews engage in treachery to trick their enemies but it doesn’t work so they, with the help of the merciful and just creator, kill every man, woman and child justly. So manifest destiny 1.0 rampages through the middle east massacring everyone en route. The post Just Passing Through – (Deuteronomy 2.5-4) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Bonus EP2 The post Stacy Campbell The Sequel appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP94 (Judges 5) A live podcast from the holy land with Simeon Campbell as a guest. Caleb and sim tell us about the places and historical sites they visited and about some of the jesus freaks they are stuck with. Very little bible reading is accomplished. The post Live From Jerusalem It’s Sunday Night (Judges 5) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP93 (Judges 3-4) Kyle’s buddy demonstrates how not to do a best man speech. The bible beaters discuss the merits of young children being needed in heaven. Next we learn of 3 total bad-ass judges Othniel, Ehud, Shamgar. Othniel was a great general, Ehud stabbed a really fat guy, and Shamgar killed 600 people with an ox goad. Finally, we learn of the first feminist in the bible. Deborah does the job no man wanted to do. We get more emails about the origin of the universe. The post Alchemists Agree (Judges 3-4) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP77 (Joshua 1-2) After a short but lengthy preamble, we summarize the bible up to this point, as is tradition when we begin a new biblical book. Kyle’s heathen bastardized version has some fascinating insights regarding meaning and purpose in a fallen world. The bible gets interesting again finally. Two Israeli spies enter Jericho and immediately head to the brothel. There they meet a prostitute who hides them from the king in exchange for her family’s safety. A listener points out some glaring biblical contradictions while a different listener is convinced the bible is historically accurate The post Jews In The Attic (Joshua 1-2) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP75 (Deuteronomy 29) Our hosts extol the virtues of rugby culture. A heated debate ensues over the ethnicity of Jews versus the religious jew. We finally agree that it comes down to headware. Biblically, covenants are like insurance, you have to renew them every year. So Moses demands they Jews renew their covenant except this one comes with the caveat that the Jews will inevitably break it thus bringing horribly calamities on themselves in the name of the lord. Many badass threats follow and it ends with a choice. The Jews choose death. The post Fuck Yourself In The Name Of Yourself (Deuteronomy 29) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Bonus EP01 In this podcast the prophet Stacey Campbell (who is also Caleb’s mom) came to talk to us. As it is her first visit we explore her background and how she became a famous prophet. Biblical themes are discussed such as speaking in tongues, god’s will, heaven and hell, and false god. The post Caleb’s Mom Has Got It Going On appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP10 (Genesis 26-28) our hosts start to suffer some real world consequences for merely reading god’s holy word. In the story, yet another famine strikes and god tells Isaac not to flee to Egypt but to stay among the philistines. Isaac uses his dad’s classic trick and pretends his wife is his sister to the dismay of the king. The philistines return the prank by filling in all his wells. A battle rages inside Rebekah’s womb for supremacy of the Jews. Twin boys are born, one is an orangutan the other is a crafty mama’s boy. Jacob steals the magic of “god’s favorite” blessing because there is a limited amount and not enough for everyone. The post Deception is the Key – (Genesis 26-28) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
Ep70 (Deuteronomy 20-21) Moses gives the Israelite’s a pep talk before they go to war and tips for avoiding the Israeli draft. We have an open discussion about the biblical age of consent and spiritual science. There are some very specific laws laid out, like breaking a heifers neck in the case of manslaughter and stoning your drunken rebellious son (putting the fear of the lord into Caleb but not Kyle). Then Moses wades into marriage violations and divorce law which, as you would expect, have strong support from feminists the world over. Nobody sends us emails anymore. The post Rape To Own (Deuteronomy 20-21) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP102 (Judges 14-15) Caleb and his bros go to the Alestorm concert. Samson’s escapades begin with choosing a Philistines bride. On the way to the wedding he is attacked by a lion and Samson tears it apart with his bear (lol) hands. At the wedding Samson makes a wager with the Philistines. They will forfeit thirty linen garment and thirty sets of clothes if they cannot solve his riddle in seven days. The riddle is difficult, so the Philistines threaten Samson’s new wife with death and the death of her family to get the answer out of him. Samson tells her, she tells the Philistines, and Samson is out thirty sets of new suits. Realizing he was tricked Samson decides to go to the nearest Philistine town and kill thirty people and take their clothes. If that not enough he catches 300 foxes and ties torches to their tales and let’s run amok through their crops and vineyards. This prompts martial law and the Philistines send a small army to arrest Samson. He single handedly kills a thousand Philistines with a jawbone of a donkey. The post Jonkey’s Dawbone (Judges 14-15) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP104 (Judges 16) Chad is in town and him and Kyle get involved with some wayward women. We spend about half an hour reading about and discussing the nature of heaven in response to last week’s question. Heaven absolutely bananas. god has failed experiments covered in eyes shouting about how great he around the clock. It has walls, gates, pools, rocks, and golden streets. Big fucking deal. Back in Samson time, at a huge party for the Philistine god Dagon samson is brought out to be laughed at by his enemies. Samson asks god for his strength to return one last time. Luckily for Samson, the Philistine temple is engineered like the death star and all its weight is supported by 2 pillars which Samson pushes down killing more of his enemies at once than he did in the rest of his life. A listener asks us who would bottom. Idea to travel back in time as ourselves and interact with the characters. The post Biblical 9-11 (Judges 16) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP98 (Judges 8) Caleb reminisces about the time he threw a party and 200 people showed up. Gideon chases his enemies through neighboring territories and his allies are butt hurt they didn’t get part of the loot. While in hot pursuit of his enemies he asks the local people for food for his men. The locals tell him to pound sand and Gideon responds that when he is finished with his enemies he will come back and “tear you flesh with desert thorns” and “tear down this tower.” Gideon is a badass and does exactly what he said he would do. I listener asks how to deal with very conservative parents. The post As Is The Man, So Is His Strength (Judges 8) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
EP126 (1 Samuel 23-24) Kyle is going bald. After Saul massacred the priests at Nob, David is gathering forces at Keliah. Saul attempts a to seige Keliah in order to trap David. David asks god what he should do and god tells him to flee because king Saul is on the way. So Dave runs into the desert of Ziph, where prince Johnathan comes to tell him that everybody and their dogs know that David will soon be king. They make another covenant before the lord which sounds kinda gay. Just as Saul is about to catch up to David the pesky Philistines attack forcing Saul to break off his pursuit. A listener writes back to defend himself. The post This Shit is B.A.N.A.N.A.S (1 Samuel 23-24) appeared first on Canada Comedy.
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Podcast Details

Jan 4th, 2018
Latest Episode
Jul 26th, 2020
Release Period
No. of Episodes
Avg. Episode Length
About 1 hour
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