0:23

Hello and welcome to blended fatherhood . I'm

0:25

your host , James Ferris , and on today's episode we're

0:27

going to be talking about quality and forgiveness

0:30

, especially when you're dealing with your

0:32

kids in general . And I know as

0:34

a step parent , when you're dealing

0:36

with your step kids or just

0:39

any kids in general , that you are the

0:41

parent for you can

0:43

make mistakes and then you

0:45

can think in your head , well , I don't need to apologize

0:48

for that because I'm the parent and that can

0:50

lead to a lot of troubling

0:53

situations in the future . It can also

0:55

lead to a lot of mistrust and just overall

0:58

some bad things that we don't

1:00

really want as parents and it also

1:02

isn't a really good example for them

1:05

. And as someone who is a step

1:07

parent , this can be kind of

1:09

troubling because if you do this enough

1:12

with your step kids and

1:14

like your non biological kids I know in previous

1:16

episodes I've talked a little bit about like the

1:19

idea that biological children have

1:21

a little bit of grace to things

1:24

that a parent does just because there's a natural

1:26

sort of connection and that doesn't necessarily

1:28

exist for your non biological kids or your

1:30

step kids and because

1:33

of that connection not really

1:35

existing and you're just kind of in this relationship

1:37

. That's . I

1:40

was going to say force , but force is the wrong word

1:42

, it's just something that's like it's a chosen

1:44

relationship that has to happen

1:47

and exist . You have to be very

1:49

careful how you interact because

1:51

, let's say , it was just like you and a

1:53

friend and you were rude to

1:55

your friend and you never apologized

1:57

. And you're rude multiple times

1:59

or you said things that you didn't

2:02

really mean but you never apologize for them

2:04

to your friend , like that person would not

2:06

be your friend anymore , unlike

2:09

with your children

2:11

, right , they still have to kind of live in the same household

2:13

as you . They still have to interact with you , you

2:16

know , and , depending on how custody works , they have

2:18

to go back to the house that is

2:20

with you and they might not want to do that . It's like

2:22

saying , ok , here's my friend

2:25

, I'm rude to them all the time they decided , hey , they don't

2:27

really want to be my friend anymore , but

2:29

they are then forced to go back

2:31

and hang out with them

2:33

person , like that's weird , right , they

2:36

wouldn't really want to do that . And

2:38

so it kind of works the same way . We're like if you

2:40

are rude and kind of insulting

2:42

or you say things that you don't really mean

2:45

in the heat of the moment and you don't really apologize

2:47

for them , then it can . It

2:49

can cause a really big rift , and so , especially

2:52

as a step parent , you need to be very well aware

2:54

of how that works

2:56

, and when you are in a position

2:58

to be like , hey , I really need to apologize and

3:01

, to be honest , I do this all

3:03

the time and I don't necessarily do

3:05

it right away , but I do make a

3:08

point of like hey , you know , even if it's later today

3:10

, be like hey , you know the situation that happened this morning . I

3:13

am sorry that I did that and

3:15

I want to make sure that it's clear that

3:17

that was a mistake on my part . You know

3:20

, and I've done that more than I thought I

3:22

was going to do , especially

3:24

as a parent . I thought I was like well , look , no , you

3:27

are being irresponsible . I'm

3:29

telling you you're being irresponsible , you

3:31

really need to fix it and work on this . But

3:34

I'm doing it my own way and I'm using kind of like a little

3:36

bit of my frustration , which , again , I

3:38

am allowed to be frustrated , but I'm not allowed

3:40

to be frustrated and then wrongly

3:43

take that out on the person

3:45

I am frustrated at , like it's okay to be frustrated

3:47

, but it's not okay to be mean about

3:49

it or use that frustration

3:52

in a negative manner . Right and

3:54

so for me as a parent

3:56

, I kind of in my head was thinking well , no , it's I'm

3:58

the parent , like , it's okay , I'm going to say this

4:00

it doesn't matter , it's fine . But

4:02

it's not fine , you know , it does

4:05

affect their perception of

4:07

the relationship with them and

4:09

how things go forward . So you

4:11

need to be aware of

4:13

how that works . Now

4:16

an apology can be really simple . You

4:18

just say hey , here's a situation

4:20

that happened . I am sorry that

4:22

this is what I did . You

4:25

know , I realized that this affected

4:28

you this way . This caused

4:30

this thing to happen and I did not

4:32

mean for that to happen and

4:35

this is what I'm gonna do to fix it . And typically

4:38

, when you do something that's saying like hey , I apologize

4:40

and you should use the words I apologize , don't

4:43

really use I'm sorry that's one of those things . That's like

4:45

I say I'm sorry , but I say I'm sorry for everything

4:47

, like , oh , I accidentally made an accident

4:50

and I , you know , put too

4:52

much food or put too little food

4:54

, and you're like oh , I'm sorry , you know , like , so it doesn't

4:56

have as much weight . Say I apologize

4:58

, it's good and it actually means like

5:00

, hey , I'm being serious . And it also means that , like

5:03

I'm actually gonna try to not do that

5:05

thing again . Right , and

5:07

you might . You were human , we

5:09

make mistakes , so you might do it again . You'd be like , look

5:11

, I'm really trying that Again

5:13

. That's on me , I apologize . I

5:16

hope you can forgive me and

5:18

go on from there . So a great

5:20

situation or good , this

5:22

is not a great situation . A good

5:24

example is in the morning , and

5:27

I think any parent can kind of attest to this we're like

5:29

you have your own set of things that you do to

5:31

get ready in the morning

5:34

and you have a schedule and you're like , hey , this needs

5:36

to happen and we're gonna do this , this , this and this and this . But

5:38

then your kids get in the way and

5:40

you have to , like they have to get their shoes , or

5:43

you have like they forgot the jacket , like , hey , get your jacket

5:45

. They make you late . Whatever doesn't

5:47

matter , it can happen . You can get really frustrated

5:49

in the morning , especially because everybody's like , whoa

5:51

, and let's say you're late , and then just like

5:53

it causes the situation to kind to get

5:55

, like you know , up a level , and

5:59

so that'll happen , and sometimes I just

6:01

am like , I'm frustrated , and

6:03

then you know , my son does something and I'm

6:06

like , man , we are gonna be late because you are not being

6:08

responsible and I'm sitting here going like he should

6:10

be responsible what is going on , and

6:12

I say something that's

6:14

wrong . And I'm

6:17

not trying to be mean , I'm

6:19

just being like dude , you need to be responsible

6:22

. That's what the message that I wanna be is like you

6:24

need to think about these things next time . That's

6:26

what the message I wanna say . I don't wanna say it in

6:29

a mean way , really , but I do . I'm frustrated

6:31

and I take it out and whatever . And

6:33

it's not a good thing , you know , and I have apologized

6:36

to him multiple times because

6:38

I'm like , I'm still working on it and I really don't like

6:40

it and I've had conversations with them . People like

6:42

, hey , dude , like I do think

6:44

you are responsible and I'm holding you to that

6:46

. It's a high standard of responsibility and that's why I get really

6:48

frustrated and

6:51

I apologize for the way that I said this and

6:53

how it came all across and I realized

6:55

that that totally hurt you and I did not mean

6:57

to hurt you and I don't think whatever

7:00

is it that he thought that I said to

7:02

him and I've

7:05

done that several times . There's other times , too

7:07

, where it's like this is getting really

7:09

frustrated . I am really frustrated

7:11

and I'm just getting and I just take

7:14

it out on the situation , and

7:17

then a couple hours

7:20

go by or whatever , and I'm contemplating

7:22

and I'm talking and I'll ask my wife to be like hey

7:24

, was I a little bit too harsh ? And she'll

7:26

be like I mean kind

7:29

of , and

7:31

the tricky part is that those

7:33

situations will happen between

7:36

my wife and the kids or

7:38

whatever , and there

7:41

isn't a moment of like kind

7:44

of anger , desperation , like

7:47

I really don't like you , like

7:49

, yes , there's frustration on both sides , but

7:51

there's not a lot of like this reconciliation

7:53

that comes across with like an apology and

7:56

that's what I mean by it can get really discouraging

7:58

because if you see it from the biological

8:00

side of your blended family

8:02

, kind of cohesively fixing

8:05

some of these problems , even

8:07

if it's not 100% fixed , you

8:10

have to take the extra step and like manually

8:13

, make things work

8:15

manually , make a point

8:17

of it and say look , I am sorry , I

8:19

apologize that this happened

8:21

and I did this and it caused this reaction

8:24

, or

8:27

that I hurt you because I did

8:29

this in this way and you're apologizing

8:31

. You're manually , physically doing

8:33

the work and making sure that it is kind

8:36

of very clear

8:39

that you made a mistake . It sets

8:41

a good sort of basis of like

8:43

I am human , I will make mistakes

8:45

, I am not perfect , and

8:47

I am modeling my

8:49

acceptance that I am not perfect . I

8:51

make mistakes and this

8:53

is how you fix it by owning

8:56

to your mistake and apologizing . And

8:58

you have to manually do it . Sometimes , on

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the biological side , it doesn't necessarily

9:02

happen and

9:05

, to be honest , like going up

9:07

, I don't really remember if my dad apologized

9:09

for any of that stuff . I love my dad , great

9:12

person . He might have done something that he told me he should apologize

9:14

for and I just not thinking about it

9:16

. Or he did something to one of my siblings that he needed

9:18

to apologize for and again , I'm not thinking about

9:20

it . I don't know , it doesn't really

9:23

matter . What I'm saying is that he probably

9:25

did something totally wrong and

9:27

he'll probably tell . If you asked him he would just

9:29

be like , oh yeah , I totally screwed this up

9:31

when I was parenting , which is

9:33

great , fine for him

9:35

to own that now , sure , or whatever

9:37

. But even in the moment , like

9:39

I probably , as just

9:42

I just was like , no , it's whatever , it's fine and

9:45

I'm not harboring any sort

9:48

of anger for it and I just kind of brushed it

9:50

off , some of the small things , you know , and

9:53

that's really easy for me

9:55

to do , because I'm like well , no , he's my dad . Like , there's this

9:58

really easy , simple thing for me to be like ah

10:00

, no , it's okay . But

10:03

when I look at situations between me and my

10:05

stepson or me saying something , there's

10:07

a definite feeling of like hey , no , that was not okay

10:09

and I know it and he knows it , and

10:12

I need to manually fix this . I need

10:14

to manually go and be like hey , look , I apologize , that

10:16

was a bad situation , we're gonna get

10:18

this and I love you and it's okay

10:21

, I'm still here for you . You

10:23

know , and again , you're just building that trust

10:25

up and up and up and you just need to

10:27

own

10:29

some of that responsibility

10:33

of just being like no , hey , I

10:35

made a mistake here , like I took this out

10:37

on you and I apologize . And be

10:40

very well aware

10:42

of like and easy to forgive

10:44

and apologize . You know , I

10:47

think that's one of those things where it's like you have to set

10:49

your pride aside as

10:51

a dad , like this is a dad thing . I

10:53

think that I , you know

10:56

, you're like you're the man in the household , you're

10:58

the person who's supposed to kind of lead the household , whatever

11:00

. All those little social kind of contracts

11:03

that come with this just idea of being the father , all

11:06

are fine , but that

11:08

adds pressure and it's like well , hey , I'm leading

11:11

this household right . So what I'm

11:14

saying is go and like this can bring a

11:16

lot of pride , which is a downfall for

11:18

most , I think , fathers are like sort

11:20

of upper heads of family or

11:22

whatever . It's like you're not in a position

11:25

like this is not your position to be like super

11:27

prideful , all high mighty , whatever , like

11:29

you're a leader , but you're a leader by humbly

11:33

serving the people that you're leading . That's

11:36

your job . It's not something

11:38

where it's like no , bow down before me , like

11:40

I'm the dad , you know bad

11:42

, that's not it . It's more like I'm

11:45

gonna serve you . And so then when you get

11:47

prideful and you're like man , I'm frustrated

11:49

. Boom , boom , boom , boom , boom , this is how this is gonna work . And

11:51

then you take it out Right

11:53

, that's it . You've immediately totally

11:56

done the opposite of what you're supposed to do , which has been

11:58

like hey , you know , you're right , I

12:00

should be calm , I should be serving you . Like

12:02

yeah , we're in a rush , I get it , I'm

12:04

not taking it out on you . How can I help you so

12:07

we can get this all and we can get going ? You

12:09

know , using my example of like in the morning

12:11

trying to get out the house , and

12:14

that comes with time , that comes with practice

12:16

, you know , just making sure

12:18

that you kind of think through like , hey , I

12:21

don't

12:23

need to be frustrated there and I was frustrated

12:26

and I took it out on you and I apologize

12:28

for that and I'm gonna work on it . And

12:30

I need you to also , like you can

12:32

call me on it , like we can have a conversation

12:34

, I will own it . I , you know , I'm

12:36

a human and I'm gonna be kind of that um

12:39

, court of sound and board and be

12:41

like , hey , you know , like I

12:43

am not , I

12:47

am not perfect , and just go from there

12:49

and that's okay , you know . So again

12:51

and this is a little bit of a short sort

12:54

of concept , but I think it's one that just like needs

12:56

to be in your forefriends , like if you're dealing with

12:58

your step kids or any kids

13:00

in general not everything

13:03

you say is 100% perfect , not

13:05

everything you say is the law , and

13:08

you can deal with

13:10

disrespect , you can deal with

13:12

frustration , you can deal with discipline

13:15

and things in a manner that respect

13:18

your kids and

13:21

still kind of make

13:23

sure that things are good to go . I'm not saying

13:25

like your kids get away with everything and

13:28

they're allowed to just frustrate you . That's

13:30

not at all what I'm trying to say . What I'm trying to say is that

13:32

it's okay for you to be

13:34

frustrated and handle the situation

13:36

appropriately . And

13:38

if you don't handle the situation appropriately , modeling

13:41

correct behavior of apologizing when

13:44

you do something that is wrong is

13:46

important , because then it makes it so your kids

13:48

know that , hey , if I

13:50

say something wrong , I should apologize . And it's a

13:52

work in progress . Nobody's gonna be perfect

13:54

at this . I am 100% not

13:56

perfect at this . I will probably screw up tomorrow

13:59

Probably hopefully not

14:01

, but maybe Either way I'm

14:04

gonna make a mistake and but I need

14:06

to own that . And , as a leader , owning

14:08

your mistakes , showing that you own your

14:11

behavior , is a way better

14:14

thing to do than just being like no

14:16

, that's the way I said it , that's

14:18

the way it goes . Done , boom , okay

14:21

. So don't try that . Own your mistakes . Be

14:24

able to apologize , be able to read the situation

14:26

and know that like , hey , this is not going

14:28

to blow over . This

14:32

actually affected the relationship way

14:34

more than I thought it was going to or

14:36

should , and manually

14:39

make those corrections because

14:42

it'll help your relationships in

14:44

the future grow , because over time

14:46

and this is a long period of time it's not fixed

14:49

in the day , nothing's fixed in the day , but over

14:51

the course of time , if you never make

14:53

those corrections it causes

14:56

a bigger , bigger wedge between you and your step

14:58

kids instead of bringing you closer , whereas

15:00

, like you can cause a divot . But then you can

15:02

fill that hole and kind of patch things

15:04

over If you manually

15:06

do the work and say , hey , I was in the wrong

15:08

, instead of just being this

15:11

like outside figure , that's like he's

15:13

never wrong , he never treats me correctly . You know

15:15

that's not a good thing , so

15:17

we don't want that . You know , manually

15:20

do the work manually , think about it , be

15:23

okay with apologizing for

15:25

some behaviors and talk with your spouse

15:27

about it . Make sure that , like hey was

15:29

this wrong . Like get her feedback If

15:31

she thinks , yeah , that was probably overdone

15:33

. Be like hey , you know what ? Yesterday I

15:36

apologized for that behavior . It's not too late

15:38

. You're doing the act of like hey , saying I'm apologizing

15:41

, even if it's a day , couple days , whatever

15:43

, you're still putting in that work

15:46

to manually fix it instead of just letting it blow

15:48

over . It's not a good idea . I

16:00

mean thanks for listening . I know I've been

16:02

away for a while . If you could like

16:05

subscribe , send a comment

16:07

over to James at blendedfatherhoodcom

16:10

. I mean fantastic

16:12

and I hope

16:14

to hear from you next week , hopefully

16:16

gonna have an episode out . I'm gonna try to get a little bit

16:18

back into more of a schedule . But really

16:21

appreciate it and see you next time

16:23

.