Episode from the podcastDon't Blame Me!

Boyfriend Has A Burner Instagram w/ Melisa D. Monts

Released Monday, 14th September 2020
Good episode? Give it some love!
This week we’re sharing advice on: 

Boyfriend texting his ex
Friend accusing you of cheating
How to get over your ex
Dealing with a boyfriend’s girl best friend
Don’t Blame Them: Boredom in quarantine

If you want to read the call transcriptions, see the bottom of these notes!

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… with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING.

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Call 1:

Hi Meghan and guest, so my boyfriend and I have been together for about five months, but I'm having a problem with his ex. They broke up four years ago and they are still in constant communication like they probably talk every week or so. In the beginning he would get really emotional about her and kind of talk about like how much she hurt him because she actually cheated on him and that's why they ended things. So eventually after like him talking about it for such a long time, I told him that he had to stop talking about her to me because it hurt me and it just like makes me feel uncomfortable and he was like, "yeah, that's fine whatever," but it's still just like bothering me that he talks to her so much. He says that they just send each other memes and that it's nothing serious, but it feels really disrespectful. I've talked to him many times about how uncomfortable it makes me and cried about it actually and I just haven't asked him to stop talking to her completely cause I don't want to be that girlfriend, but I definitely hinted at him maybe possibly doing that. But he just like take that hint. His ex actually lives across the country, so I'm not really worried about him cheating, but I have doubts that he's ever going to like really get over her even if he says that he's over it. I love him and I can see a future with him, but it sucks. So any advice would help, is this a dealbreaker? Should I ask him to cut her off completely? I'm not really sure but any advice would help. Thanks guys.

Call 2:

Hi guys, first off just saying I'm a huge fan, listen to the podcast all the time. Also, I didn't prepare, write anything down, or like go through this in my head. So sorry in advance. And also, I'm an Aries and I'm twenty-two. So anyway, I had this really good friend and I was being a good friend to her. We were hanging out all the time. She started getting toxic in my life. So I dropped her, didn't really say much, just like told her I didn't want to hang out, just like that like blew off plans, didn't reply, just tried to give like a subtle hint and then I found out that she had admitted to being in love with my husband. So I maturely texted her and said "I don't want to be friends with you anymore. It just, I'm not getting anything out of the friendship anymore." And then I just blocked her. Well, one of my friends randomly added her on Snapchat and Facebook and she goes on to tell my friend that I've cheated on my husband and slept with one of his best friends and that I'm a horrible person, that I talked all this crap about everybody, which is why we're not friends and the reason we're not friends because I randomly blocked her on everything and then she went on, within the same hour, to add my husband on Snapchat. So I was there I said, "please please add her, I want to see what she has to say." And he said "I don't want to like add fuel to the fire, I just don't want to entertain this" and I said, "I just want to see what she has to say." So he added her off and she told him the same stories that I had slept with one of his friends, but she named him and he told her "I don't care who my wife sleeps with, leave me alone" and then blocked her. I don't believe that she believes that was him. She probably thinks that that was me. But all my friends are telling me I need to go beat her ass or confront her. My mother-in-law is telling me I need to confront her and I'm just at the place where I don't think I need to because I'm going to just be giving her what she wants but I wanted an unbiased opinion on if you think I should confront her and what I should say, because it didn't really piss me off the fact that she said I cheated or anything. It was just the fact that she said I was a bad person and a bad friend because I was the complete opposite to the friendship and ended the friendship very maturely and yeah, so anyways unbiased opinion on what you think I should do or if I should stay the bigger person. All right. Thanks guys bye.

Call 3:

Hi Meghan and Melisa, I'm a twenty-year-old Virgo and I have a current situation that I could use some insight on, please don't judge me though. I'm a little sensitive. About a year ago, a year and half ago, me and my ex broke up but we continued a friendship like a few months after the break-up, but our friendship obviously turned into us hooking up 98% of the time and we kind of just act like a couple after we have sex and then through this time I was pretty aware of my place as in that I'm his ex and I tried to not get too caught up with my emotions. We've both been aware of the fact that we both still have feelings for each other but never really talked about it and I ended up hoarding so many questions in my mind but a few days ago, he called me to tell me that he's been talking to somebody for a few weeks. I don't really understand why he told me if he's only been talking to them for a few weeks, but I guess he might take it more serious than I assume. I remained pretty calm during the conversation, but then I eventually asked him all the questions that I was hoarding onto such as if he saw us getting back together in the future, if he still had feelings for me. He said yes to both of those. There are other questions too, but they're just too much to explain. He didn't say it word for word, but it kind of felt like he was saving me for later or something like that. But now I'm at the point where I need to kind of force myself to get over him but having that conversation made it super confusing. I don't really understand why he would want to start a relationship but still have feelings for me. I have a tendency also to get pretty depressed for a while when something makes me upset and I could really use some advice on getting over him while also trying to keep my mental health stabilized. I don't have many friends and with COVID it's definitely harder to make friends. I also don't have a therapist but have been thinking about getting one for a while. It just makes me uncomfortable because my parents are pretty judgmental about like mental health issues. But anyway, thank you for listening if you do listen or take my call bye!

Call 4:

Hi Meghan, Melisa and potential guest, I'm calling in today to talk about my boyfriend. So for context we've been together for about three years now. Love him to death, great. In the last year, so something that's bugged me a lot which is that, so he doesn't have any social media apps besides Snapchat. He's just like he's always told me like "I'm not that kinda person, like I just don't have anything to post, like I just don't really care that much," which I've always respected because you know, like you keep off of this bump and yeah, so anyways in the last year, I've noticed that there is this burner instagram account that watches my Instagram story. It followed me in the past and I tried to follow it back and it wouldn't let me. I know for a fact that it's him because the people that it follows are people who he went to high school with, who I went to high school with, who he knew from his old hometown, so I know it's him. And I have brought it up to him a couple of times now and kind of been like, okay, like I think this is you and he denied it. So I'm frustrated because I know it is him and I don't care about him having social media, the thing is like I wouldn't care if he had a normal Instagram account and just you know followed all these people on that. However, the fact that it's like a secret and then it's like just a burner account makes me uncomfortable. I - ever since I brought it up to him, the last time, he has stopped using it and so it doesn't watch my stories anymore. So I know it's him, however, it really bugs me that he won't admit to it, because I just, you know, obviously there's something he's hiding then. Anyways, I'm just frustrated and I love him and I don't wanna believe he's doing anything bad on these accounts, however I'm sure you both will be like thinking otherwise, but I just want to get to the bottom of this. It really bugs me and yet I don't want to keep bringing it up just to have him keep denying it. So any advice would be much appreciated. I love you guys a lot and yeah, right. Thanks. Bye.

Call 5:

Hi Meghan and Melisa, I'm a twenty-seven-year-old Capricorn in my first relationship. We met last November and fell pretty quickly for each other before he got into grad school at the end of the year across the country. We weren't sure if we were going to do long distance but the quarantine brought us closer together and we decided we could make it work especially since I can now work remotely or at least the fall semester at his place. That's not why I'm calling but it's part of it. I'm calling because I recently asked him a question I'm learning most people avoid. He once told me his ex who he did long distance with in college was always jealous of his friends that were girls and it finally occurred to me that maybe it was because something happened with one of them. After worrying for months who it could be, I finally just asked him flat out and he said it was one of his close friends that he talks to all the time. This was crushing for me because I know they're very close. She helped him through his break up with his ex and his depression. They had sex a few times the summer he and his ex broke up in college. He never cheated on her when they were together, but his ex couldn't get past it. His friend has had a boyfriend now for the past three years and they're very serious and won't live anywhere near my boyfriend when he moves. I know I can't punish him for something that happened five years ago, but I now feel extremely uncomfortable because he's been pushing a friendship with this girl and her boyfriend since we met. I did like her before I knew all this stuff, but now I can't stop thinking about them together and how much more she probably knows about him than me at this point. I know I can't tell him not to talk to her again. But every time I learn he has I feel like throwing up and my mood changes, I definitely can't handle being near her anytime soon. I just feel lied to and insecure. My experience before him was very little and I didn't keep any of those people in my life. He knows all this and has limited his contact with her at least while he's around me, which makes me feel horrible. My question is how do I not think about them together every free second I have? It's been a month, and I thought time would help. It comes the most when he's not around so I'm more nervous than ever about long-distance. I love him, and I trust him, but I can't seem to get over it. Thinking about it all the time makes me miserable, but I'd be even more miserable that ended things with someone I love over something that happened before me. Maybe I just need more time, but I'd appreciate any advice you can give. Thanks.

Don’t Blame Them:

Hi Meghan and Melisa, I am calling for Don't Blame Them for the episode from June 29th of this year. So I'm actually a therapist. Um, and I just have some thoughts on the girl who was calling about her girlfriend who drinks and smokes too much. So I really second everything you guys said, I thought that it was so on point, and I would you know echo that that's what that girl should do. I also wanted to add that it really perked my interest when the girlfriend said that she's bored and that's why she wants to use and I get it like it's quarantine and like there's nothing else to do and like everything just feels so bleak. So that's what that's how it goes back to your guys' advice of like sussing out what's going on, but I just wanted to throw out there that ADHD and substance abuse actually has a very strong correlation. For people who have ADHD, Meghan as you probably know, boredom can feel painful and it's not really talked about a lot but there is the strong correlation of people with ADHD using substances to cope with how painful boredom is and all the other things that come with ADHD. I also have ADHD so that’s definitely something that I've experienced and can speak to as well as speaking to on a professional level. So she definitely should talk to a professional obviously that professional could help her in that way like if that is the scenario, but I just wanted to throw that out there especially if other people are experiencing that like if you just feel like you don't know what to do with yourself and you're not trying to cope with anything, but boredom just feels like painful and you're wanting to take that feeling away. It's just something to think about that it's not talked about as much as it should be. Thanks guys.

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