Well, four hours of Paradise per week seems like way too much time to allow very pretty people to “open their hearts” to each other. Can I get an amen? Especially when all they do is drink, lift weights, and sleep in day beds until the sun goes down. I’m looking at you, Joe the Grocer.

So, my mission, and I DO choose to accept it, will be to water down all the nonsense into a handful of entertaining storylines you need to know. For example:

As someone who weighs 40 pounds, will Demi have the physical strength to shiv someone with her fingernails?Will Victoria P. ever learn James’ name? Or will she continue to call him Jordan at all the Bachelor franchise get-togethers?Are we ever going to learn how tall Thomas is? 

And because watching 240 hours of BIP tends to mess with one’s brain, Some Guy in Austin and I do slide off the rails a few times in this episode. You’ll be happy to hear we discuss in length NSYNC’s "Bye Bye Bye" video and devote way too much time practicing our remedial Spanish.

You’re gonna love it. It’s muy bien. 

EPISODE NOTES:

HERE is the premiere recap of Bachelor in Paradise.

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SHOW NOTES:

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