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1:08

Hi. I'm LaVrar Burton, and this is

1:10

LaVrar Burton REIT. In

1:15

every episode, I hand take

1:17

a different piece of short fiction,

1:19

and I read it to you. The

1:21

only thing these stories have in common

1:24

is that I love them and

1:26

I hope. You

1:28

will too.

1:30

You

1:31

know, one of the things I find

1:34

fascinating about being human.

1:36

is the mind body connection.

1:39

How we often disconnect our

1:41

bodies from our minds and how

1:43

much we suffer for it.

1:47

We

1:47

probably still have lots to learn

1:49

about how our mental

1:51

health, how our emotional state of

1:53

being affects our physical being.

1:56

think about this when I do the deep

1:58

breath at the beginning of every

1:59

podcast episode, it

2:01

centers me in the story.

2:04

and it brings an awareness of my physical

2:06

body that's going to perform the story.

2:08

It also serves as a

2:11

departure point. There

2:13

is what happens before the breath

2:15

and then there's what happens after

2:17

the breath and after the breath we are in

2:19

a different realm. In

2:23

today's story, our protagonist,

2:26

Issa, is trying to tap into

2:28

her magical powers, which

2:30

she describes as a little

2:32

wound up ball in her brain

2:35

with little tendrils that

2:37

unfurl outwards.

2:39

He says magic seems like

2:41

it acts somewhat independently

2:44

of her conscious brain or maybe it's

2:46

just that she really has to focus

2:48

to sync her magic and her brain

2:51

together. Kind of like

2:53

how we have to be really thoughtful about

2:55

sinking our bodies and minds

2:57

in order to work at our full

3:00

potential. The

3:02

story is called Family Cooking,

3:05

and

3:05

it's by Anna Maria Curtis. Now,

3:07

you might recognize her name. as

3:10

the first place winner of last

3:12

season's writing contest, Yay,

3:14

Anna Maria.

3:16

This story was published in the amazing

3:18

uncanny magazine.

3:21

Anna Marie has been busy this year publishing

3:23

work in the aforementioned uncanny also

3:25

in strange horizons fireside

3:27

and more, and I am really

3:30

pleased to be able to read another

3:32

one of her stories on the podcast.

3:35

So If

3:36

you're ready, let's

3:39

take a deep breath.

3:51

and

3:53

begin.

3:59

Family

3:59

cooking

4:01

by Anna Maria Curtis.

4:13

For one, I have

4:16

the kitchen to myself. Mama's

4:20

gone. Paolo's picking

4:22

wedding things up from out of town.

4:24

and Avila went

4:26

to visit an old friend while she's back

4:28

in the area. I

4:31

start by clearing everything from

4:33

the countertops and wiping them

4:35

down. I

4:37

put loud music on, the

4:39

kind I can sing along to.

4:42

I am calm. I tell

4:44

myself, I like to

4:46

cook. This is no big

4:48

deal. only

4:51

this morning when

4:53

I made eggs for the four of

4:55

us. They came out

4:58

brown. and bitter smelling

5:00

and turned the bright green carrot tops

5:02

in the compost brown and

5:04

foul when they touched. In

5:07

fact, They turned

5:10

everything in the compost bin

5:12

to something approaching hazardous waste.

5:15

And I don't know why. And

5:17

my mother's wedding is in a

5:19

week, and I'm supposed

5:21

to be making all the food.

5:24

For the wedding, I

5:26

am making a rose con Pollo because

5:29

it can be made in big batches and

5:31

quiche because I'm stupid. and

5:33

olive dip and crackers because

5:35

that is easy, and

5:38

a fancy braided bread.

5:41

Also cute little apple tartlets

5:43

because Maat still talks about

5:45

how Paolo was the only person

5:47

who convinced her that apples

5:49

could be anything other than meally

5:51

and sad. I

5:53

am not. Thank goodness

5:55

baking the wedding cake. I

5:59

start with the

5:59

bread because I'm nervous and

6:02

there's nothing like slapping dough

6:04

on a counter for half an hour for

6:06

distraction. This

6:08

is the only full run

6:10

through I have scheduled before the

6:12

wedding. And between other

6:14

preparations and shifts at the cafe,

6:17

I don't really have time for another.

6:21

Mama says there's no pressure

6:23

that we can always order pizza. but

6:26

that's a load of horse shit if I've

6:28

ever heard one. I

6:31

take the dough in my hands, and

6:33

press it forward onto the counter.

6:37

Though my hands are dusted liberally

6:39

with flour, the dough still

6:41

finds places to stick. the

6:44

crevices in between my fingers,

6:46

the top of my thumb. I

6:49

prod at the tiny part of

6:51

my mind where the

6:53

magic lives. Ask

6:55

it to make the brand lovelier,

6:58

more delicate perhaps. or

7:00

laced with the sensation of

7:02

waking up from a good dream.

7:05

My family is eating this,

7:07

I reminded. Help me

7:09

make them something lovely.

7:12

Please, don't be

7:15

literally poisonous.

7:23

I add more flour to my wrists.

7:26

Press into the dough again. rocking

7:28

the pad of my palm against

7:30

the dough, then the

7:32

heel. The

7:34

song changes and I move

7:36

my shoulders to the beat. Get

7:38

into a rhythm with a dough.

7:41

Hi, ESA.

7:44

Abuela's voice floats through the

7:46

house. I turned

7:48

the music off. In

7:50

the kitchen, she

7:52

and her friend must not have had that

7:54

much to catch up on. I

7:57

picked the dough up and slam

7:59

it on the table. This

8:01

isn't technically necessary, but

8:04

when I do it, a little bit of

8:06

the tension in my chest dissipates.

8:09

And

8:09

this is only the practice brand.

8:11

Anyway,

8:12

aggressive. Abuela says

8:15

from the doorway. I

8:17

don't look at her. You've never

8:19

had a vendetta against a piece of dough?

8:21

Her voice carries a tinge of

8:24

amusement. No. beats

8:27

sometimes and wire.

8:30

When I was younger, I used to twist

8:32

naughty wires into little

8:34

knots. as punishment for

8:36

their misbehavior. She sticks

8:39

her tongue out. A

8:40

little quirk for when she said

8:42

something she shouldn't. recognition

8:45

jumps through me a bitter

8:47

aftertaste to its sting.

8:49

Mamma does that. So

8:52

do I?

8:54

Of course, I say, efting

8:56

the dough up again for another slam,

8:58

which feels suddenly necessary. Your

9:02

magic lies elsewhere.

9:04

It's an understatement.

9:07

Most people aren't led

9:09

by their magic, only following

9:11

it when it aligns with their chosen

9:14

vocation, like me

9:16

with cooking, People with

9:18

craft magics become accountants

9:20

as often as anyone else, though

9:22

they may be more likely to knit

9:24

on the side. But

9:26

Abuela's magic came

9:28

late and came strong,

9:31

sweeping her away from everything

9:33

when it arrived. She

9:36

creeps closer and examines my

9:38

list. Her eyebrows painted

9:41

on.

9:41

Raise in delighted surprise.

9:44

Oh, lived it. Are you making

9:47

it with cream cheese?

9:50

Yeah. Of course. She

9:53

smiles a slow genuine smile

9:55

and touches the necklace at

9:57

her chest. That's

9:59

my favorite.

9:59

Always has been.

10:02

I

10:02

always like to put extra olives

10:05

in. That

10:06

great. I say my voice

10:09

cheery. I hold up

10:11

the dough which isn't quite

10:13

ready. Let me just get

10:15

past you to the cabinet there.

10:17

This needs to prove.

10:20

The practice dinner

10:22

takes me an hour and a half

10:24

longer than I hoped it would.

10:26

I grit

10:27

my teeth as I look at

10:29

it. piled

10:29

on the table in an unsightly

10:32

array of mismatched platters

10:34

because we haven't had time to

10:36

run to the church and get the nice ones

10:38

yet. I've taken so long

10:40

that everyone's back and

10:42

waiting around hungry, but

10:44

too nice to mention it. My

10:46

mom puts on a white bathrobe because

10:48

she thinks she's funny. And then

10:50

she and Paolo come in and taste

10:52

everything. Before they

10:55

start, I poke the tango of

10:57

magic in my skull, and it

10:59

emits a pleased, self

11:01

satisfied

11:03

That's got to be a good

11:05

sign.

11:06

They start with the Eroscon Pollo.

11:08

The chicken

11:11

is too dry. and I

11:13

didn't add enough green olives. But

11:15

of course, they say only nice things.

11:18

None of them appears to feel

11:20

poisoned, which is an excellent

11:22

sign. Next, they

11:24

try the two quiches, one with

11:26

asparagus and spinach, the other potato

11:28

and mushroom. I

11:30

burned the crust on two of the potato

11:32

ones and Paolo winks at me as

11:34

he takes a loud crunchy

11:36

bite of one of them. Yeah.

11:39

Yeah. I muttered. It'll

11:41

be better for the actual wedding.

11:44

Mama wraps an arm around

11:46

me. the

11:47

soft fabric of her bathroom rubbing

11:49

dangerously close to my dirty

11:51

apron.

11:53

Of course, it will be,

11:55

she says. but

11:56

nobody needs a perfect

11:59

wedding anyway. A

12:00

whale at Chuckles. My

12:03

wedding was perfect.

12:06

but

12:06

that didn't help the marriage. My

12:09

mom wins is almost imperceptibly.

12:12

But I know Paolo sees it because

12:14

he rests a hand on her arm.

12:17

Abuela doesn't notice.

12:18

I wish she would.

12:20

Try the bread, I say.

12:24

The bread is a little too

12:26

dense. Underworked, I know,

12:28

but they take thick slices anyway.

12:31

Ma'am takes a bite and makes a

12:33

face. Kind

12:34

of bland, she

12:37

says. Maybe

12:39

it's better with the olive dip.

12:41

She

12:42

tries it slathering a hefty

12:44

portion of the dip onto her slice. But

12:46

as she brings it to her face, she

12:49

gasps and drops it. Hi.

12:52

She says mournfully looking at the bread

12:54

where it lays between her slippered feet.

12:57

I don't think that's

12:59

good. I take

13:01

a paper towel and pick it up.

13:03

cautiously

13:04

holding it at eye level.

13:06

The

13:08

red of the crushed pimento isn't

13:10

small and diamond shaped

13:12

anymore. Instead, every

13:15

speck of red has turned into

13:17

tiny, angry worms

13:19

that dart around.

13:22

I'm glad you noticed it. I

13:24

tell her, it's hard

13:26

to spot. Well

13:29

She says reluctantly. I

13:31

was looking at everything pretty

13:33

closely after this morning.

13:36

I

13:36

carry the paper towel outside and

13:39

dab some of the dip onto the grass,

13:42

which immediately dries up to

13:44

brown, then black.

13:46

The effect ripples

13:48

outwards until there's a

13:50

black circle three feet in

13:52

diameter of dead grass. Abuela

13:56

opens the back door and watches me.

13:59

That's

13:59

a problem with your

14:02

magic, she says. I

14:04

stare

14:04

at the circle, shriveled and

14:07

dark and poisonous and

14:09

think,

14:10

I did that. She

14:13

walks up to stand beside me.

14:16

It's

14:16

okay. She says testing

14:18

the words as she says them.

14:20

just

14:21

practice it a few times,

14:24

and

14:24

it will come out right.

14:27

She's the one who would know.

14:35

Avila is making the Ma a necklace.

14:37

for the wedding, and that

14:39

necklace will probably be

14:41

worth more than the whole wedding

14:43

costs. You see,

14:45

Aguéla's story is inspiring.

14:48

She was in a

14:50

tragic, loveless marriage when she

14:52

discovered her magic. They

14:55

didn't test for it in schools

14:57

then, so it wasn't until she was

14:59

twisting paper clips into a

15:01

crown for my mother that she felt

15:03

it, that little

15:05

zing that turns a task or

15:07

a craft into something

15:09

more.

15:11

She made jewelry during the day

15:13

for a few years and between

15:15

making meals and taking my mother to

15:17

school and learning a

15:19

new language. but one

15:21

day she'd had enough. She

15:24

couldn't dress my mother for school or

15:26

clean the house or make one

15:28

more potato salad for one

15:30

more goddamn potluck.

15:32

And why should she? When

15:34

she could make art, like that,

15:38

when the practiced skill in her

15:40

fingers mixed with stronger

15:42

magic than most people ever even

15:44

saw. So

15:46

she packed her bags and hugged

15:49

my mother, goodbye. My

15:51

mother was only sick but she

15:53

told me once that she remembered

15:56

it. Abuela,

15:58

mending over her dark

16:00

hair already shot through

16:02

with gray. kissing her on the

16:04

forehead, wearing

16:06

the dress she only ever wore

16:08

to church and her nicest shoes

16:10

telling her to be good

16:13

and watch TV until dad

16:15

got home. My

16:18

mother didn't see her mother again, until

16:20

she was twenty two and graduating

16:22

from college. I

16:25

hear there was a big scene.

16:28

No one will tell me about it. Grandpa

16:31

was dead by then luckily.

16:35

Maybe that's why she finally

16:37

came back. I don't

16:40

want to know what my

16:42

grandfather did to my grandmother.

16:44

What?

16:47

If anything.

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Let's get back to our

18:42

story. When

18:44

we took intro magic in

18:47

eighth grade, They said a lot of stuff I didn't listen

18:49

to. Mostly, we were

18:51

just there to try stuff.

18:53

To see if we had magic and

18:55

mess around with crafts if we didn't.

18:57

But near the end of the year,

18:59

when everyone had tried pottery,

19:02

knitting, crocheting, woodworking,

19:06

sewing, cooking, baking,

19:09

welding, gardening, painting,

19:12

and everything else. when I knew

19:14

that I had cooking magic,

19:16

and most other people knew what they had

19:19

too, they sat us down. and

19:21

told us about what we could and couldn't

19:24

do. Well,

19:25

that's how they framed it.

19:27

We were

19:28

thirteen and had just found out we were

19:30

good at something, even if

19:32

it wasn't something we liked.

19:34

We had

19:34

a modicum of power in our

19:37

pubescent lives for once. weren't

19:39

going to use it to pay attention

19:41

to our teachers. That was for sure.

19:43

So when I examined the

19:46

olive dip, after Milan, Paolo,

19:48

have gone upstairs, and Abuela has

19:50

gone to read in the living room.

19:52

I don't have anything to base

19:54

my experimentation on. All

19:57

I

19:57

know is the

19:59

olive dip

19:59

is poisoned, but everything

20:01

else

20:01

is fine. Some of

20:03

it's good even.

20:05

So what the hell

20:08

went wrong with the olive

20:10

dip? I'm going to make it

20:12

again. I'm going to make it

20:14

until I get it right. It's

20:16

not

20:16

a hard recipe. You

20:18

don't even cook

20:20

it. I chopped

20:23

the onions. ignoring the

20:25

steam in my nose and eyes and

20:27

dumped them in the blender. The garlic

20:29

powder goes in next than the

20:31

mayo and green cheese. I

20:34

check on the little ball of

20:36

magic in my brain. It's

20:38

wound up like normal,

20:40

reaching in tendrils toward the

20:42

ingredients on the counter.

20:47

Be

20:47

nice. I tell it sternly.

20:49

Work. Not that

20:51

that's ever helped before.

20:53

I press

20:54

down on the food processor a little

20:56

harder than I need to, but

20:58

it stutters to life all the

21:01

same. After half a minute,

21:03

I add in the olives and

21:05

the brine, then I add

21:07

in a little lemon juice, just

21:09

in case. I

21:11

step back from the food processor

21:13

and wash my hands because they still

21:15

smell like onion. I

21:18

take a

21:18

deep breath before

21:20

dipping my spoon in.

21:23

Maybe,

21:24

I think, Maybe if I

21:27

just eat it quickly and

21:29

don't look at it, it

21:30

won't be poisonous because it won't

21:32

have time to be. Maybe,

21:35

if it is poisonous, it won't be

21:37

poisonous to me since it's clearly

21:39

something that's fucked up in my head that's

21:42

causing this. but I

21:44

can't quite bring the spoon to my

21:46

mouth without opening my

21:48

eyes. And when I do,

21:50

I see that the

21:52

cream cheese and mayonnaise have

21:54

clumped into tiny snowman, holding

21:57

spears made of onion, dripping

21:59

a

21:59

menthol blood. I stumble back

22:01

swearing. When I

22:04

sprinkle this one on a few worms

22:06

outside, one of them keeps

22:08

moving. The other five

22:11

die though. So

22:13

I'm

22:13

not putting it in my mouth.

22:16

I try again. As

22:18

I chop the onions, I reach for

22:20

my magic and think about my

22:23

mother, wanting her to

22:25

be happy. wanting her

22:27

wedding and her marriage to go

22:29

well. I think about my

22:31

umbrella, how she's finally

22:33

visiting, finally here,

22:36

And this dip is something she's looked forward

22:39

to. When I put the cream cheese in

22:41

the food processor, I do

22:43

the breathing exercises we learned

22:45

in cooking too, to try to

22:47

trick the magic to be good this

22:49

time, to do something

22:51

unexpected like yield

22:53

twice as much as the ingredients

22:55

should, or to be infused with

22:57

the taste of flowers that

22:59

will never exist. These

23:02

things can happen to a good

23:05

cook, and I want to be a

23:07

good

23:08

cook.

23:09

This second try turns

23:12

liquid, scorching hot

23:14

that burns through the spoon.

23:16

The third just

23:18

turns black. I

23:20

run out

23:21

of cream cheese after that,

23:23

even though I stocked up before this,

23:25

It's only been

23:26

an hour since I

23:29

started. I put

23:31

the remaining olives and mayonnaise

23:33

in the basement fridge The kitchen

23:35

fridge already packed with wedding ingredients.

23:37

He probably should have done it

23:39

the other way, put the wedding food in

23:42

the basement. It

23:43

doesn't matter. I

23:46

poke at my magic again,

23:48

but it's the same as it

23:50

always has been. and as I

23:52

pause before opening the basement door back

23:55

into the kitchen. I

23:57

wonder if I should call someone from

23:59

middle school. Ask if they

24:01

have notes. Maybe I should try

24:03

to email my old teacher.

24:07

Maybe I should just suck it

24:09

up and ask

24:10

Abuela.

24:11

I find

24:13

Abuela the next day.

24:15

She's taken over half the dining

24:17

room table with her jewelry making stuff

24:20

and she's twisting some wire around littering

24:22

sharp red beads when I

24:25

enter. She holds

24:25

it up when she sees me.

24:28

Look,

24:28

she says, your favorite

24:31

color. I thought it might go

24:33

with your dress. My

24:35

favorite color is purple. The

24:38

neatly

24:38

organized question

24:40

I prepared

24:41

melts away, leaving my

24:44

brain empty. So I just

24:45

blurt it out. Has your jewelry ever

24:48

gone bad? Like,

24:50

tried to hurt people. I

24:52

don't look at her.

24:55

Focusing on the many colorful beads

24:57

in front of her instead.

24:58

Orange, yellow, blue,

25:02

brown,

25:02

purple, I watched

25:03

the red beads reenter the

25:06

lineup, observe the spots on her

25:08

hands as she sets the wire

25:10

down.

25:11

You mean like you're

25:14

cooking? Of

25:15

course, she says, one

25:18

time I set an earring.

25:21

a single earring on

25:22

the ground, and it

25:25

turned my whole yard

25:28

black. I was getting calls from the

25:30

Neighborhood Association for

25:32

months. Do

25:34

you

25:34

know why it happened?

25:37

She

25:37

nods. What happened?

25:40

Did it hurt anyone? Was

25:42

it obvious? How did you

25:44

stop it?

25:45

Abuela size?

25:47

I had agreed to

25:50

make a jewelry set for

25:52

someone I

25:54

hated. a politician.

25:56

She was paying me

25:58

ten times my

25:59

normal fee. But every

26:02

time I tried putting things together

26:04

for her, they would

26:07

unravel or the wire

26:09

would come to life and try

26:12

to bite. The earring

26:14

I mentioned dripped

26:17

ooze and melted into

26:19

the yard. The gardener

26:21

got sick later but

26:23

only a little. It

26:25

wasn't him, I hated. and

26:27

my

26:27

magic's not so strong as

26:29

all that. She pats

26:32

my

26:32

knee reassuringly. Band,

26:35

Neither

26:36

is yours. Certainly. Right,

26:40

I say. My ears

26:42

and

26:42

mouth feel distant from my

26:45

mind. everything echoes

26:47

a little inside my skull.

26:50

But how did you stop

26:53

it? I told

26:53

her I couldn't do

26:56

it because she

26:57

was an evil woman.

27:00

Oh,

27:01

There was

27:03

one other time that had

27:05

happened. Abuela says,

27:08

it was less noticeable. So

27:12

she shrugs. I gave

27:14

it to him anyway.

27:17

Did he die? No.

27:20

She's

27:21

not smiling. Her

27:23

eyes look into the distance. Her

27:25

mind is elsewhere.

27:27

But he got

27:28

very, very sick for

27:31

a very

27:32

long time.

27:35

Sorry. She says, after

27:38

a moment. That

27:40

can't be very helpful

27:43

for you. But

27:44

I think your problem

27:47

is along the same lines.

27:49

Think very carefully.

27:52

Is

27:52

there anyone you

27:55

really hate who is going to be at

27:57

the wedding?

27:58

Perhaps you have

27:59

some lingering concerns

28:03

about Paolo.

28:06

I don't

28:07

hate anyone coming to

28:09

the wedding, not real

28:12

hate. not even

28:14

mister Briney who is always saying I have

28:16

to move to the city if I want to be

28:18

a real chef or demeanor

28:21

from down the street started dating my

28:24

ex. Not even

28:26

my ex. I

28:29

don't hate Paolo. I'm

28:31

happy he and my mom are finally

28:33

getting married. I

28:35

shake my head. None

28:37

of it makes any sense.

28:41

Abayla

28:41

rounds.

28:44

You're sure there's

28:47

no old enemy who showed

28:49

up at the cafe recently.

28:52

No.

28:52

evil

28:55

former teacher. I'm sure

28:58

she choose

28:58

her lip, just the

29:00

right side, just like mothers.

29:05

and

29:05

I realize. Oh,

29:09

I say. Oh,

29:14

it's

29:14

her. I

29:16

hate Opwala.

29:21

Inside my chest, something

29:23

clenches and unclenches all

29:26

at once. I hate

29:31

her.

29:32

a a lot

29:37

lot.

29:52

I test out

29:56

my theory the next day

29:58

running through all the wedding foods that

29:59

weren't perfect. for the

30:02

first run through, which is almost

30:04

everything. Only this

30:05

time, I know that

30:07

a whale is not going to eat

30:10

it. She's gone to another

30:12

town to shop for old jewelry

30:14

she can tear apart and make her own.

30:16

When I make the

30:19

olive dip, I chant it to myself.

30:21

A whale is not going to have this. A

30:23

whale is not going to want this.

30:25

A whale is not.

30:28

going to have this.

30:30

I under cook

30:32

the quiche this time, but the

30:35

bread tastes like mango.

30:37

and the satisfaction

30:39

of watching a good

30:42

sunset. My

30:45

magic is

30:47

back. The olive dip

30:49

is great, almost too

30:51

salty, not poisonous at

30:53

all. Ma'am and Paolo

30:55

both try it. I dab

30:58

some on one of Ma'am's succulents

31:00

to heavy glares. and

31:02

nothing with

31:05

theirs.

31:22

Hi. I'm

31:24

Cecil Harris, host of witness docs,

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all American, Venus, and

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Let's

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get back to our

32:30

story.

32:30

I don't know

32:32

what to do after that. I

32:34

don't

32:35

even want to look at Abuela.

32:37

I'm

32:37

terrified that the hatred,

32:40

the Pure

32:41

fury boiling inside

32:44

me will be too obvious.

32:46

Now that I know it's there it

32:48

feels like it's slowly chewing me

32:50

up from the inside out.

32:53

So

32:53

the next morning,

32:55

I go to the park. I go

32:57

to the grocery store and get more

33:00

ingredients. I arrive home

33:02

laden with bags and only

33:04

go in through the front door. once I'm sure

33:06

nobody's on the porch. My

33:08

mother finds

33:09

me after I've put everything away and

33:11

I'm reorganizing cans in

33:14

the pantry. She's been

33:15

at her friend Sofia's house

33:17

having her makeup

33:19

done. They

33:19

can't decide what looks best with

33:21

the dress she's come home with different

33:23

colored eyelids every Thursday for

33:25

the last month. Today, they're

33:28

a silvery blue. What's

33:31

wrong?

33:31

She asks glancing knowingly

33:33

at the cabinet. Nothing.

33:35

nothing Did

33:37

you solve the olive dip problem?

33:39

I gestured the cream

33:41

cheese softening on the counter. Take

33:44

a

33:44

guess.

33:45

Her face softens. You'll

33:48

get it. She says, you

33:50

always solve the problems you really

33:52

put your mind to. I

33:54

think about the spelling bee and eighth

33:57

grade, and a b cowc and the

33:59

culinary

33:59

institute, not

34:01

always, She pulls

34:03

a chair around from the other side

34:05

of the counter and sits facing

34:08

me. A few years ago, she would have just

34:10

sat on the floor but she's

34:12

old now. Dies her

34:14

brown hair where it goes gray at the

34:16

temples and sits on chairs

34:18

with soft cushions and

34:20

straight backs. What

34:22

do

34:22

you think would help? She asks.

34:25

I don't know. What do

34:27

you think would help? She flinches

34:29

just a little. The lines at the corners of

34:31

her mouth deepening. I

34:34

don't know anything

34:36

about magic. She

34:38

reminds me. I tried to

34:40

pass the moment off rolling my eyes

34:42

like she said something obvious. you

34:46

don't have magic, but lots

34:48

of people you know

34:50

do. You're

34:52

not ignorant.

34:53

You should talk to someone

34:56

who knows about magic.

34:59

I'm sure your avala

35:01

would be happy to help.

35:03

I know what's wrong with it. I

35:06

just don't know how to fix

35:08

it. Now

35:08

my mother rolls her eyes. You're

35:10

going

35:10

to turn help down because why?

35:13

You're going to turn down

35:15

help on making my wedding work

35:17

because you don't want help

35:19

from your grandmother? It it's

35:22

not that, my mother.

35:24

Then

35:25

what is it? I can't

35:27

tell you. It'll make you

35:30

sad. Lots of things

35:32

make mama

35:32

sad, which is why it's good

35:36

that Paolo such a jokester. But this?

35:38

This is worse than a

35:40

video of a dog and an owl becoming

35:44

friends. or a movie about

35:46

a breakup. Ahmad taps

35:48

her fingers on the countertop, thoughtful.

35:51

Lots of things make

35:54

me sad. And

35:55

yet, I carry on.

35:56

She has a days.

35:58

hesitate His

36:01

this about

36:03

your

36:03

umbrella. I

36:06

the threat shrugged. Maybe

36:08

She

36:09

says, then tell

36:14

me. She's

36:15

like me. You

36:17

know know? Just

36:18

me once removed. Just

36:21

she admits

36:22

her hair is gray

36:25

and wears it in elegant buns and

36:27

draws her eyebrows on, and I don't

36:29

have to do those things

36:32

yet. I

36:32

hate

36:34

her. My voice

36:38

comes

36:38

out flat. and

36:41

raise her sharp full of ugly

36:43

truth. I continue. She's

36:46

horrible, mama. not

36:48

like you at all.

36:50

You're a good mother. She

36:52

tilts her head

36:53

back emotion

36:56

of defeat. I

36:58

didn't want you to think

37:00

of it that way. She says quietly.

37:03

I wanted

37:04

you to love

37:06

her. and for her to love you and visit

37:08

you and send you presence.

37:10

She closes her

37:14

eyes. I

37:15

wanted you to grow

37:17

up with a grandmother

37:19

and no complicated feelings

37:22

about anything at all. I

37:25

reach over and take

37:27

her hand.

37:28

Her fingers are cold.

37:30

I want those things too,

37:33

but it's hard. She hurt

37:35

you. She still hurts you sometimes.

37:38

How can I love someone who does

37:40

that? But my nods. She

37:44

sits up straighter

37:45

and looks me in the eye,

37:47

twists my fingers around hers and

37:49

a comfortable familiar

37:52

gesture. That's

37:54

fine, she says. You

37:56

don't have to

37:57

love her, and you especially

37:59

don't have to like her.

38:02

But please, for

38:03

my sake. Don't

38:08

hate her.

38:19

My

38:19

abuela had a

38:21

hard life. I remind

38:23

myself as I mix the

38:25

cementos into the

38:27

Campoyo, My Abuela did

38:28

the best she could, I think,

38:31

as I put foil around

38:34

the quiche. I find

38:36

myself disbelieving that.

38:38

So I try again as

38:40

I put the olives in the food processor.

38:42

My abuela is here now because she cares

38:45

about her family. My

38:48

abuela has

38:50

changed my

38:52

Abuela, like anyone else,

38:55

is a person.

38:56

person Most

38:59

importantly, this

39:00

is my mother's wedding, and

39:02

I am not going to ruin

39:05

it with bad food or

39:07

poisoned family members because I love

39:09

her. And that I

39:12

think staring sternly at

39:14

the mixture in the

39:16

food processor

39:18

Is that on that?

39:20

I

39:21

put the dip

39:23

into fancy bowls and

39:25

run to change. everything

39:27

else is ready, so

39:29

I can take the dip out

39:31

and mingle as people start to arrive and

39:33

sit in the lawn chair. that we've

39:35

borrowed from everyone on the block and half the people

39:37

from church. There's acute little

39:40

awning on it at

39:42

the front. and

39:44

Abuela and I will escort my mother

39:46

there in forty minutes.

39:48

I can't wipe

39:48

my eyes because they've been made

39:50

up for two hours now. As

39:53

I come back down, I see Abuela

39:55

with a plate of crackers looking

39:57

at the dip. She turns

39:59

toward me when I

40:02

come in. You

40:03

look beautiful, she says,

40:06

and

40:06

I laugh. I have two

40:08

aprons on just in case something

40:10

flies around to my and the

40:12

green tool of my skirt only barely peaks

40:15

out beneath them. My hair

40:17

is so stiff, I feel like

40:19

I could safely motorcycle. I

40:22

mean it. She says, you've

40:24

grown up in ways

40:27

I can't understand. I

40:30

nod

40:30

at her.

40:33

yeah Yes. I take

40:35

a

40:35

deep breath,

40:38

but That's

40:38

okay. We don't have to

40:41

understand each other. Just

40:43

love each other.

40:44

I should say after that.

40:47

but I don't. We look at

40:49

each other for a long

40:52

still

40:54

moment. She

40:57

turns back to the dip. This looks

40:59

good too, she

41:02

says. I was just about to take that

41:04

out, I

41:06

say. a lie. I was going to examine

41:08

it first. I have a

41:10

back up tip that I bought. just

41:14

in case.

41:16

She holds a cracker up,

41:18

looks mean directly in the

41:21

eye. Is it safe?

41:24

Do you think

41:27

for me? My

41:29

Avela

41:29

cares about

41:32

her family. I

41:34

care about my mother.

41:36

I don't look at

41:39

the dip. Yes,

41:42

I say. it should be good

41:44

for you

42:16

It's a complicated family story.

42:19

And then, as

42:21

most

42:21

family stories tend

42:23

tend to be

42:25

And I

42:26

certainly can

42:28

relate to the anger

42:31

that our protagonist feels about her grandmother

42:34

having

42:34

abandoned her mother when

42:36

she was a small child

42:39

and And the

42:41

question is, does the finding of her

42:44

magic absolve

42:47

her

42:47

guilt for leaving

42:49

in the first

42:51

place. I'm

42:53

I'm not sure.

42:54

I think it's it's that it's

42:57

that realization

42:58

that her

43:00

grandmother had it in

43:01

her to walk away.

43:04

from

43:05

a child

43:06

that

43:08

really

43:08

colors

43:10

everything

43:11

she feels.

43:14

about

43:14

her grandmother in spite of

43:16

where they need,

43:18

in spite of the gift

43:20

that they

43:21

have in common.

43:22

have in common

43:24

there's a disconnect there

43:27

because the

43:29

emotional maturity

43:32

that

43:32

she needs in order to really forgive

43:35

her

43:36

grandmother isn't quite

43:38

there yet. It hasn't

43:38

developed to the point where

43:41

forgiveness is possible. I think at

43:43

the end of the day, our

43:46

parents our siblings,

43:50

everyone that we have

43:51

beefed with, we have to be

43:53

able to come to a place of

43:55

forgiveness. Otherwise, we just carry that

43:57

shit with us into the next incarnation. So

44:00

I feel it's just

44:01

best to get to

44:03

that place of

44:05

emotional

44:08

maturity where

44:09

you can

44:10

seemingly, magically,

44:14

forgive.

44:14

forgive open

44:15

your heart.

44:17

It does

44:18

seem like a really sort of

44:20

magical thing.

44:21

Forget this.

44:22

seems to be the thing that would

44:24

never ever happen

44:26

until it does,

44:27

until you wake up

44:29

one day and You

44:32

just aren't willing to hold on

44:34

to that

44:36

stuff anymore.

44:38

I think grandparents tend

44:40

to loom

44:42

larger in

44:43

our lives than almost anybody

44:45

else in our family.

44:48

And and I know they did I loved my

44:51

grandmother so much. Even though

44:53

I didn't

44:53

know her that well, she

44:55

just represented safe and

45:00

security for me when

45:02

I was a

45:03

kid. But

45:04

I just think that

45:05

there's a special relationship

45:08

between

45:08

grandparents and their grandchildren.

45:10

My granddaughter

45:12

Sierra

45:13

is twenty

45:16

one now. and

45:16

entering her final

45:17

year of college. Her

45:20

second semester and her senior year this

45:22

year, she is going to

45:24

Sienna, Italy.

45:25

italy to

45:26

study. Now, I cannot

45:28

tell you the amount

45:30

of

45:30

pride that fills me with.

45:32

all of us in

45:34

the family are enormously

45:36

proud

45:37

of Sierra.

45:38

era

45:39

As her

45:40

grandfather, III

45:43

do feel a certain

45:47

duty

45:49

dude

45:50

to protect

45:51

her,

45:52

to keep

45:53

her safe, to

45:57

do

45:57

whatever it is I might be able to

45:59

do

45:59

to help

46:00

her

46:01

find

46:03

the rematch her in

46:06

life. It is

46:08

one of the

46:10

great joys

46:11

of my adulthood.

46:14

Having

46:14

this person in my

46:18

life,

46:18

she's a pistol.

46:21

And I fully expect her to

46:24

make her mark on the

46:25

world. She's got

46:28

that fire. and

46:29

the spark. I think she's

46:31

gonna do alright.

46:32

and a do all right

46:34

In

46:35

any case,

46:38

I

46:39

think she's special,

46:41

and

46:43

I can't wait.

46:44

wait to see

46:46

what

46:47

she does with

46:48

her

46:50

life.

46:51

Sierra,

46:53

Grandpa loves you.

46:54

like nobody else on the planet, girl.

46:57

Our

47:05

producer

47:08

on

47:08

this episode

47:10

Livar Burton reads is the one and only Julia Smith, she is the

47:13

best in the business long. Our

47:15

fabulous researcher is

47:18

the Keshia Lewis, editing and sound design by

47:20

Justin Asher, one of our new kids

47:22

on the block who's not so new

47:26

anymore. And thank you to Tamika Weatherspoon for her invaluable

47:28

research and production support.

47:31

My thanks to Anna

47:34

Maria Kurtis for allowing me to read

47:36

her story today, find more of her work at

47:38

anna maria curtis dot

47:40

com. That's ANAMARIACURTIS

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dot com. If you

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