Episode Summary

Do you feel selfish if you look after yourself? Helen prided herself on being a giving person. From the biblical phrase, ‘love thy neighbour as you love yourself’, she could understand the love others bit, but she couldn’t grasp the love yourself bit. Surely loving others was good enough? 

Helen became a yes woman at work. It became really easy for people to give work to her. 

She didn’t want to stand out. She wanted to be liked but not to have attention on her. She tried to blend in. 

Helen experienced Repetitive Strain Injury aka RSI and burnout

She burned out at 30. Helen typed non stop, not taking breaks. She would begin to feel pain at night in her arms, wrists and shoulders. Then she started to feel pain whilst at work. When she could no longer type, she had to say something and get some help.

As a people pleaser, she was often very aware of what others needed but had very little awareness of herself.

Helen found herself in a 18 year coercive controlling relationship without recognising the signs

She got into a relationship with someone 10 years older than her at university. He was charming, as they often are and showered her with attention and affection.

He wanted to spend a lot of time alone with her. She would spend less time with friends. He would pick up on how her friends were not nice people, creating divisions between them. He said he felt that her family were being disrespectful towards him. He was separating her from her support network.

He needed his meals at a particular time. If they weren’t ready he’d fly into a rage.

Helen did all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, a full time job and initially a weekend job as well. 

From the outside, it looked like a happy relationship. They were affectionate towards each other in public. They felt they loved each other and needed each other. 

Her body confidence was pretty good, so a remark against her body didn’t bother her so much. A remark about her being selfish would really hurt, because everything she did was out of selflessness. 

If she did something he didn’t like, for example going out with friends, he didn’t necessarily tackle the actual problem, but he would get cross about little things like the soap was in the wrong place. She learned not to repeat her actions.

If you think you are in a coercive controlling relationship and are worried about your partner searching your internet history, use incognito function.

How to recognise coercive control - by healthline.com

Domestic Abuse- How to get help during lockdown

HELPLINE for Male victims of domestic abuse

HELPLINE for Female victims of domestic abuse

Policy Paper - Cross examination in the family court factsheet - gov.uk

'Abuse Is a Pattern.' Why These Nations Took the Lead in Criminalizing Controlling Behavior in Relationships - by Time

7 Reasons Why Women Don’t Leave - by counsellor Sandra Harewood