Love Junkie: Help for the Relationship Obsessed, Love Addicted, & Codependent

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You've been asking... so it's here (sort of!)  Take a listen to learn more! FOLLOW ME ELSEWHERE Instagram: @shenatubbs Facebook: Shena Tubbs  
Come join me at our free Masterclass, "How to Heal from Low Self-Worth & Stop Repeating Unhealthy Relationships: The 4 Step Roadmap Method To Breaking Toxic Habits & Getting The Relationship You Want This Year."   Click here to register:   FOLLOW US ELSEWHERE Black Girls Heal Podcast on iTunes @BlackGirlsHeal_ on Instagram
Hey, Loves!   So excited to share with you the new direction of Love Junkie! Take a listen and follow me along!
Where on Earth have I been and the future of Love Junkie
Emily Nagoski the award winning author of the New York Times best seller Come as You Are is on the show today. Emily is an expert on women's sexual well-being and a gifted and engaging speaker. She travels the globe speaking and teaching about healthy sexuality. She is a sex educator that brings the science to all of her work. I am so excited to have her here today. Show Notes [02:44] This is the middle of sex month and we are talking about healthy sexuality. [03:20] Emily was an undergrad in college, and wanted to do some volunteer work. She became a peer health educator. She ended up going to resident halls and talking about condoms, contraception, and consent. [04:28] Emily's work with sexual violence prevention made her like who she was as a person and helped her choose the pathway that she is on now. [04:34] She has a master's degree in counseling and psychology. She trained as a sex therapist but decided she was better suited to be an educator. She also has a PhD in health behavior with a concentration in human sexuality. [05:12] Every person gets to choose how they feel about their sexuality. Every person has full autonomy over their own body. [06:27] Sex is an attachment behavior. [06:42] Human beings are born incredibly helpless. The cuteness of babies is the crucial factor and an attachment bond is created. [08:14] Adults form an almost instant attachment bond with their babies. It takes a baby about three months to form that same bond. [08:21] It's about survival. This is no longer true when we are adults, but our bodies don't know that. [08:48] When there is a threat to our adult attachment, we literally think we could die. [09:30] About half of adults develop a secure attachment system and about half have an insecure attachment system where they don't trust their adult caregiver will be there when they need them. [09:51] The way we attach as children shapes the way we learn to attach as adults. [10:05] An anxious attachment style is where your body copes with the risk that your caregiver may not be there for you by clinging on and not letting go. [10:46] Driven by fear of abandonment they may have sex with multiple partners. [11:19] Research shows that people with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to have one night stands. [13:33] One of Emily's favorite books how to be an adult focuses on beginning to take care of yourself instead of waiting for someone to take care of you. [13:46] One of the biggest barriers people encounter in reconnection with themselves is the question of trust. [13:58] With insecure attachment you believe that no one is going to be there for you. [14:08] With anxious attachment no one is going to be there for you unless you clean really hard. [14:10] With avoidant attachment no one is going to be there for you. [16:07] There's nothing wrong with taking space and time away from the healing process. [17:12] Brakes versus acceleration. The sympathetic nervous system is the accelerator or stress response, and the parasympathetic nervous system is the brake. [18:05] Our sexual response system operates in the same way. [18:52] The process of arousal is a dual response of turning on the on and off the off. [22:14] People in long-term stable relationships are usually not the people who can't wait to have sex with each other. They have a strong foundation of friendship, and they decide and prioritize sex. [27:18] Create a protected space for you and your body to get to know each other. [29:40] Send love to your body parts and notice the parts that your brain has been taught to disrespect. [30:31] Exploring the way your body receives sensation is step one to discovering what pleasure feels like. [33:37] Orgasm isn't the goal, pleasure is the goal. [37:48] Our ultimate source of wisdom about our sexuality and human connection is our own bodies and our own internal experiences. We need to learn to trust, love, and listen to our bodies. [43:10] Share something that you've learned on the love junkie podcast on Instagram to win a copy of Come As You Are using #LoveJunkie. The contest ends November 23rd. Links and Resources: Shena Tubbs Shena Tubbs on Instagram Shena Tubbs on Facebook Come as You Are Emily Nagoski @emilynagoski on Twitter Burnout How to Be an Adult in Relationships Sue Johnson EFT The Come As You Are Workbook
It's our first episode of "Sex Month," and we have my favorite Sexologist, Eliza Boquin, with us. Here, she talks about all things self love, owning our bodies, and engaging in our birthright - sexual pleasure.   LINKS/RESOURCES MENTIONED Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
Certified Eating Disorder Specialist and therapist Signe Darpinian joins us to talk about how to engage in Connected Eating vs Emotional Eating... right in time for the holidays! CONNECT WITH ME ELSEWHERE Instagram Facebook
Halloween is right around the corner and kicks off the beginning of the holiday season in the US. This is the time of year that can intensify many emotions and bring on feelings of loneliness or the need to self-medicate. Even though, I have been talking about empowerment, active choice, and being deliberate, I want to bring back the softer side of this show and talk about feelings that the holidays can bring up. Today, I’m going to talk about a few ways to cope during the holidays in regards to love addicted behaviors. The holidays can trigger so many feelings and emotions. We may be drawn back to a toxic person, or struggle with past memories and expectations, or we may feel obligated to attend family events with people we don’t want to be around. Here are a few ways to cope with the stress and triggers of the upcoming holidays. Show Notes [06:45] Ways to cope. [06:50] Triggered by comparisons. Comparing yourself to others in relationships. We can get stuck in fantasy thinking about how great their relationship is. [07:47] Our core beliefs can tell us we need something outside of ourselves to feel better. [08:07] Start now by building a gratitude list of what you are grateful for. [09:29] When you have a gratitude list of what you actually have, it starts to become real and change your perspective. [10:41] Prepare for those family events by writing down answers to the uncomfortable questions that you think they may ask you. [11:10] He's not here right now can be a great answer. [11:33] You get to create your own boundaries. If other people don't like it, that is their reaction to have. [11:56] You may need to practice boundaries with what you are going to say and boundaries that you are going to have with certain people. [12:53] Holiday parties can be fun even if you thought you didn't want to go. If you feel lonely, bring a friend. [13:20] Breaking no contact. This is completely breaking contact with this person. If this person has access to you, you will reply or create fantasies in your mind. [15:47] Commit that no contact is still in effect and don't leave a door open like the ability for them to text you. [16:50] Look at your calendar and decide to stay in no contact until a later date. Being too rigid can set you up for disappointment and failure. [19:15] Sometimes during the holidays, you just want to feel connected to someone and have sex. [20:40] Some people run away from intimacy and connection. If this is you, you should date and engage and have a more balanced lifestyle. [21:32] If you have compulsive behavior, talking to someone and getting into some type of therapy can help you figure out your next step. [22:04] If you struggle with sexually compulsive behaviors, only talk to your healthy friends about it. [23:31] You can embrace temporary celibacy and take control of these things that have been overpowering your life. [25:34] Because the holidays bring up so many emotions, it is a great time to embrace therapy. [26:06] As you grow and become healthier, you also become more aware of things that you need to work on. [27:07] Make a safety plan. A way for you to have something positive and life-giving to look forward to each day of the holiday season that is hard for you. [27:43] Make a calendar and write out the positive life-giving things that you are going to do on those days. [28:31] We are tempted to act out when we feel like something is missing. [29:27] Your safety plan will take the power away from other people and bring you back to yourself. Links and Resources: Shena Tubbs Shena Tubbs on Instagram Shena Tubbs on Facebook
Deprivation is doing without. It's when we live less than we should be living, and we don't get what we really need, desire, and deserve. This episode is all about overcoming deprivation and loving yourself. I talk about how deprivation affects us when we are doing without. I talk about what deprivation looks like in your life and what to do about it. I also talk about the next steps to take once you discover that there is deprivation in your life. Show Notes [06:21] I went to a module on work and financial disorders for my CSAT certification course. This was how gambling, compulsive giving, under earning, or any other financial compulsions are specifically connected to our traumas. [07:19] I see this all the time and I needed tools to help other people and to help myself. [08:13] Deprivation is anytime that you are perpetually living in lack for a specific need. This is anytime we go without any need purposely. [09:11] We are talking about the way that we deprive our own selves and the way that we get in the way of feeling full, healed, and good enough. [09:29] A person who lives in deprivation pushes away positive things that would make them feel good. [11:13] You deprive yourself of extras, luxuries, things that you consider frivolous and that you don't need.  You could keep love and relationships at a distance or have a poverty mentality. [12:34] There are often feelings of worthlessness or shame or emotional deprivation. [13:19] Three types of deprivation the first one is the unworthiness. The second one is the narcissistic deprivation. This is where you feel like you're a victim and nobody does anything for you or pays attention to you. [14:05] The last one is introjected or where you feel others deserve more than you. You feel that you aren't pretty enough, worthy enough or deserving enough. [14:34] Maybe you are interjected because you were trained in a home where you were taught to be codependent and put other people first. [15:01]  Career-wise you could be an under earner. This is operating under your expertise. You might not be happy here but at least it feels safe. [15:55] Sexual deprivation may be letting yourself go a long time without sex. This is also not expressing your desires during an intimate situation. Not telling your partner what you need is sexual deprivation. Depending on someone else to give you pleasure is also sexual deprivation. You may not even know what you like. [18:26] Spiritual deprivation is not having a spiritual or mindfulness daily practice. [19:09] Financial deprivation can even be hoarding money without spending it. [20:24] Depriving yourself of things that you actually can't afford or thinking it feels wrong to get them is another form of deprivation. [20:53] There are needs that you have. If you can't meet them, you are going to find something or someone outside of you to meet them. [21:41] Another form of deprivation is wanting everything to be free or the cheapest possible. [22:38] You can also deprive yourself by living in an area or environment that isn't safe or just isn't pleasant. [23:53] You can also deprived yourself with the amount of time that you alot to things. [25:30] You had role models that showed you how to do these negative things. Write out your story about whatever set the example to do these negative things. [26:10] Once you see what that story is write out what you want your story to actually be. Then take the steps to achieve that. [27:00] You never learned how to take care of you because your caregivers didn't do it for you or you were codependent and took care of everyone else's emotional needs. [27:24] Get in touch with your first memory of denying what you want for the greater good. [28:00] Tell yourself that it is okay to want these things and start to reclaim that. [30:04] Stop romanticizing deprivation and give up your attachment to the struggle. [31:45] Deprivation Detox. An 8 week program starting in November. [32:43] This is cuffing season for temporary relationships. This is the time of year when family members will come to mind. This is the best time for the Deprivation Detox Workshop. We will meet Tuesday nights at 7:30 CST. Attendance or 6 of 8 weeks is mandatory. The group will be limited to 12 people. [35:44] There are 12 basic needs. During the workshop, each person will pick one and that is what they will be working on during that time. Trying to do too much is built to fail. [37:14] Find people who will hold your pain and be there for you. Links and Resources: Shena Tubbs Shena Tubbs on Instagram Shena Tubbs on Facebook Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life Deprivation Detox
Love Junkie listener Katy Moore is here today to share her inspiring story of growth. We are going to talk about the intersection between borderline personality disorder and love addiction. Katy is a freelance writer who enjoys writing from the heart and helping people. She is originally from England but now lives in Australia. Katy knew that she had an issue, but she wasn't sure what it was. Eventually, a therapist told her to look into borderline personality disorder. This struck a chord with Katy, because she was struggling with relationship issues including a fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, and lack of boundaries. Katy shares her journey as she emphasizes being transparent in hopes of helping others.   Show Notes [01:51] Katy is originally from England and now lives in Australia. She struggled with mental health issues that she was 18 years old and she is now 40 years old. [02:20] Depression never really fit the mold for her. She always knew there was something else. [02:35] She started writing and that really helped her get things out. Katy is a freelance writer who really enjoys writing opinion pieces. [03:29] After struggling to find a steady counselor, Katie spun out of control and ended up in a 12 step program for love addiction. [04:29] She realized that she had trouble with relationships. [05:18] A new therapist finally helped her discover that she was dealing with borderline personality disorder. [05:50] Katy had a fear of abandonment. This results in being needy and clingy. [06:59] Low self-esteem and always looking to others to get self-worth was also an issue. Lack of boundaries and letting anybody in was also a problem. [08:26] Other problems were acting out and having a low self image. All of her behaviors interlocked together between borderline personality disorder and love addiction. [13:30] Katy shared her disorder with the world because she's still the same person whether people know about it or not. She wanted to help educate people. [15:48] People get very good at playing a role and hiding their mental health issues. [18:16] Katy is passionate about not feeling shame and trying to educate people. [21:08] Things that help Katy include seeing her psychotherapist on a regular basis. [24:25] It's important not to get discouraged and keep looking until you find a therapist that is the right fit. [26:08] Katy used sex as a way to prevent being abandoned. For her, it was her love addiction playing out as sex. [28:45] Affection would frequently spiral into obsession for Katy. [33:12] Katy went to the library looking for some help and a book titled Are You a Love Addict literally fell off the shelf. [34:31] Seeking unavailable partners is one of the traits of love addiction. [38:33] If something doesn't feel right, trust your gut and take the time to educate yourself. [40:54] Katy thinks people should find a good therapist or find people in general to talk to. Links and Resources: Shena Tubbs Shena Tubbs on Instagram Shena Tubbs on Facebook Free Masterclass to Help Reduce the Symptoms of Fantasy Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality Stop Walking on Eggshells Living with BPD Facebook Group BPD: Rant & Rage Facebook Group BPD Sick Not Crazy Facebook Group Katy Moore on Facebook What Katy Did Next
In this episode, I’m going to help you learn how to find the right therapist for love addiction. We will talk about what to look for in their bio, their mindset, their style, and I even talk a little bit about cost.   Show Notes [03:49] Look for someone who is first a trauma therapist. [04:15] We need someone who can recognize these childhood traumas that are causing our current behaviors. [04:45] I love solution-focused theories and models. Love addiction is about how we do and don't interact. We need to look at patterns, so history doesn't repeat itself. [05:21] We can get stuck in victim mode, but we need to find the negative core beliefs that are causing self-sabotage and other issues. [05:52] Love addiction is not spoken about as commonly as sex addiction. Look up someone's bio and training and see if they are trained in post induction therapy. [07:05] This is Pia Mellody's model about how we go into a less than better than state, how we regress, how we are attracted to some versus others and literally puts it all together. [07:32] Find someone who is trained in sex therapy. They can help with loss of desire and orgasm issues. CSAT Certified sex addiction therapists are not always trained in sex therapy. [09:12] A sex therapist can help you see where the dysfunction is and find out where the problem originated from. [10:07] Find someone who is trained in what you actually need. Generalists can treat all things in general. You can benefit from someone who treats and talks about the same thing day in and day out. [11:53] Having a bad therapist who isn't properly trained and who makes you think that everything is in your head can just send you on a downward spiral. [13:34] Telling someone involved in the addictive process to just stop doesn't help anybody. [13:58] You want someone who is not only actively listening but interacting with you and giving feedback. Your want to be directed toward the path of happy and healthy relationships. [15:10] If your therapist shames you, it's more about them than it is about you. You need to be allowed to feel your pain and be confused. You need someone patient and compassionate. [17:45] Therapists can only treat people in their own state. Coaching can be helpful as well. [19:24] There is no regulation for life coaching. You can never be sure who you are actually getting. [20:29] Some are accountability based only. Some are more holistic. Some are in the middle. [21:49] When looking for coach look at their background, listen to what they are saying, and try a discovery call. [23:04] Most people want a therapist who accepts insurance. Working through trauma is a long-term process. [26:14] When you use insurance what you've been treated for and your diagnosis goes into your personal record. [27:27] Many people want investing in their mental health to be free or low-cost. [28:05] Whatever you put into yourself is what you are going to get. [29:55] Having someone help you and walk beside you is something that you don't get from free information. [30:50] Not getting better doesn't only affect us it affects other people. [36:40] Google therapists in your area and look for love addiction coaches. It's up to you to find someone who is a good fit. [38:10] You also have to make sure that you both like each other. [39:53] You can also Google post induction therapy. Links and Resources: Shena Tubbs Shena Tubbs on Instagram Shena Tubbs on Facebook The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Facing Love Addiction REAL Love Recovery Coaching and Group Mentorship Lisa Palac Staci Sprout IITAP The Healing Trauma Network Directory Open Path Collective The 90 Day Cure
In this foundational episode, Shena is joined by Lisa Palac LMFT to break down what is love avoidance, the qualities and characteristics we may see in our everyday life, and solutions to break free.  This episode was SO GOOD we had to break it into parts. This episode is PART II where we focus on coupleship and growth with lots of resources at the end. Only listen to this episode after Part 1! You don't want to miss it!     Resources Mentioned Love Avoidance Worksheet Romantic Obsession & Fantasy Webinar Recovery Roadmap Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody Ready to Heal by Kelly McDaniel Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide to Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts   Connect With Lisa Instagram Facebook Twitter Connect With Me Elsewhere Instagram Facebook
I n this foundational episode, Shena is joined by Lisa Palac LMFT to break down what is love avoidance, the qualities and characteristics we may see in our everyday life, and solutions to break free.  This episode was SO GOOD we had to break it into parts. Come back for Part II to learn how to recover in a coupleship.     Resources Mentioned Love Avoidance Worksheet Romantic Obsession & Fantasy Webinar Recovery Roadmap   Connect With Lisa Instagram Facebook Twitter Connect With Me Elsewhere Instagram Facebook
Social media is integrated in our daily lives, but when struggling with love and sex addictions, it can be a huge trigger. In this episode, Shena talks about 3 ways that social media may feed our unwanted behaviors and 5 things we can do about it.   RESOURCES MENTIONED Register for Fantasy Support Masterclass Download the Recovery Roadmap Love Notes - Weekly Newsletter CONNECT WITH ME ONLINE Instagram Facebook Twitter  
Sherry Gaba from Celebrity Rehab helps us understand the impact of manifestation, the law of attraction, and healthy recovery from love addiction. Some of the highlights include the following:  What is healthy sobriety? What does the law of attraction look like with recovering from love addiction? How your mindset and energy may create the opposite reality from what you want. The importance of what we speak Setting morning routines   Resources Mentioned:  WakeUpRecovery.Com The Marriage Junkie by Sherry Gaba The Law of Sobriety by Sherry Gaba Connect With Me Elsewhere Instagram: @shenatubbs Twitter: @shenatubbs Facebook: Shena Tubbs
This week, we are joined by trauma therapist and educator Nina Keeler to talk about what are the effects of childhood emotional neglect and how it impacts relationships. Nina breaks down what is Somatic Experiencing as a treatment option and how it can help! Resources Mentioned Feelings List Download Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb Love Tribe Membership   Connect with Nina Instagram Facebook Twitter   Connect with Me Instagram Facebook Twitter
In this episode, we review some of the differences between healthy love and addictive love along with practical next steps.    Resources Mentioned:  Healthy Love vs. Addictive Love download 30 Differences between Healthy Love & Love Addiction (original article) Weekly Love Notes (Sign Up)   Connect with Me Elsewhere Instagram Facebook Twitter
A lot of of exciting things are in the works!   Sign up for the Childhood Emotional Neglect Masterclass Sign up for Weekly Love Notes
It's Love Junkie's birthday week! And in honor of that and new beginnings, we are happy to announce the creation of the Love Tribe membership community. Click here to sign up: Today's topic focuses on our mindset and whether we are willful or willing. Shena also elaborates on the 4 decisions we have when facing a problem and how to move forward with it.  Connect With Me Instagram: @shenatubbs Facebook: Shena Tubbs Twitter: @shenatubbs Website: Membership: Love Tribe Recovery
Change is a process and sometimes we don't know where we are. Knowing our stage and help us overcome hurdles and keep momentum to reach a place of maintanence.  We talk about the stages of change in this episode along with answering a few listener questions.  CONNECT WITH ME Instagram: @shenatubbs Facebook: Shena Tubbs Twitter: @shenatubbs
When battling an intimacy disorder, there are many ways we engage in self sabotage and unhealthy relationships. Engaging and seeing otherwise committed persons is on the list.  In this episode of Love Junkie, we talk about different scenarios of why this may happen and steps to take to get out. LEARN MORE Instagram: @shenatubbs Facebook: Shena Tubbs Twitter: @shenatubbs
This week, I'm joined by Dr. Piper Grant to talk about how to rebuild intimacy in a coupleship after sexual betrayal. Whether your or partner identifies as a sex addict or if there's been chronic infidelity, this episode will be sure to be helpful! How lying negatively affects intimacy What is a couple in recovery  What does the journey towards trust and sexual intimacy typically look like for a couple in recovery?  How will you know when it's safe to trust again Resources Mentioned The Couple's Guide to Sexual Intimacy by Drs. Bill and Ginger Bercaw Rio Retreat Center Psychological Counseling Solutions Connect With Our Guest Instagram: @numi.wellness Follow Me Elsewhere Instagram - @shenatubbs Facebook - @shenatubbs Twitter - @shenatubbs
Curious about what dating looks like when in recovery from love addiction?  I go over why self exploration and healing is THE MOST important step, healthy sexuality, the difference between sober and unsober dating, and answer some listener questions. Download the No Contact Survival Kit Here   Resources Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self Hatred by Patrick Carnes Sober vs UnSober Dating   Follow Me Elsewhere Instagram Facebook Twitter
In your self care, are you getting better for yourself or are you subconciously reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself?  We get into that this episode! Register for the FREE S-Factor Webinar class today!:   Website: Facebook: Shena Tubbs Instagram: @shenatubbs Twitter: @shenatubbs
In this episode, Shena digs into boundaries. She defines what they are, how they show up in different domains (i.e. physical, sexual, emotional, mental, and spiritual) and why we struggle with them. Listen to this episode for encouragement, direction, and guidance on how to show up for yourself with self respect and the difference between getting your emotional needs met and being overly demanding. Also listen as we get into two listener questions.  Get your copy of the Boundary Bootcamp Workbook here.   FOLLOW ME ELSEWHERE Instagram: @shenatubbs Twitter: @shenatubbs Facebook: @shenatubbs  
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Podcast Details

Created by
Shena Tubbs
Podcast Status
Aug 11th, 2017
Latest Episode
Sep 7th, 2020
Release Period
Avg. Episode Length
34 minutes

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