Emily Nagoski the award winning author of the New York Times best seller Come as You Are is on the show today. Emily is an expert on women's sexual well-being and a gifted and engaging speaker. She travels the globe speaking and teaching about healthy sexuality. She is a sex educator that brings the science to all of her work. I am so excited to have her here today.

Show Notes

• [02:44] This is the middle of sex month and we are talking about healthy sexuality.
• [03:20] Emily was an undergrad in college, and wanted to do some volunteer work. She became a peer health educator. She ended up going to resident halls and talking about condoms, contraception, and consent.
• [04:28] Emily's work with sexual violence prevention made her like who she was as a person and helped her choose the pathway that she is on now.
• [04:34] She has a master's degree in counseling and psychology. She trained as a sex therapist but decided she was better suited to be an educator. She also has a PhD in health behavior with a concentration in human sexuality.
• [05:12] Every person gets to choose how they feel about their sexuality. Every person has full autonomy over their own body.
• [06:27] Sex is an attachment behavior.
• [06:42] Human beings are born incredibly helpless. The cuteness of babies is the crucial factor and an attachment bond is created.
• [08:14] Adults form an almost instant attachment bond with their babies. It takes a baby about three months to form that same bond.
• [08:21] It's about survival. This is no longer true when we are adults, but our bodies don't know that.
• [08:48] When there is a threat to our adult attachment, we literally think we could die.
• [09:30] About half of adults develop a secure attachment system and about half have an insecure attachment system where they don't trust their adult caregiver will be there when they need them.
• [09:51] The way we attach as children shapes the way we learn to attach as adults.
• [10:05] An anxious attachment style is where your body copes with the risk that your caregiver may not be there for you by clinging on and not letting go.
• [10:46] Driven by fear of abandonment they may have sex with multiple partners.
• [11:19] Research shows that people with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to have one night stands.
• [13:33] One of Emily's favorite books how to be an adult focuses on beginning to take care of yourself instead of waiting for someone to take care of you.
• [13:46] One of the biggest barriers people encounter in reconnection with themselves is the question of trust.
• [13:58] With insecure attachment you believe that no one is going to be there for you.
• [14:08] With anxious attachment no one is going to be there for you unless you clean really hard.
• [14:10] With avoidant attachment no one is going to be there for you.
• [16:07] There's nothing wrong with taking space and time away from the healing process.
• [17:12] Brakes versus acceleration. The sympathetic nervous system is the accelerator or stress response, and the parasympathetic nervous system is the brake.
• [18:05] Our sexual response system operates in the same way.
• [18:52] The process of arousal is a dual response of turning on the on and off the off.
• [22:14] People in long-term stable relationships are usually not the people who can't wait to have sex with each other. They have a strong foundation of friendship, and they decide and prioritize sex.
• [27:18] Create a protected space for you and your body to get to know each other.
• [29:40] Send love to your body parts and notice the parts that your brain has been taught to disrespect.
• [30:31] Exploring the way your body receives sensation is step one to discovering what pleasure feels like.
• [33:37] Orgasm isn't the goal, pleasure is the goal.
• [37:48] Our ultimate source of wisdom about our sexuality and human connection is our own bodies and our own internal experiences. We need to learn to trust, love, and listen to our bodies.
• [43:10] Share something that you've learned on the love junkie podcast on Instagram to win a copy of Come As You Are using #LoveJunkie. The contest ends November 23rd.

Links and Resources:

• Shena Tubbs
• Shena Tubbs on Instagram
• Shena Tubbs on Facebook
• Come as You Are
• Emily Nagoski
• @emilynagoski on Twitter
• Burnout
• How to Be an Adult in Relationships
• Sue Johnson EFT
• The Come As You Are Workbook