Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

A History and Comedy podcast
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Our first female emperor is finally here! And it only took 110 men and 800 years to get here! So how will Irene shape up? It's tough breaking the mould, and unfortunately for her, there are a lot of people standing around worried about her lack of 'advantage'. Will she be able to overcome this? or will the rift with her son end is disaster? 
His father is captured, his sons are in the care of men who would rather see him dead and the empire is close to being split in twane-plus-one (thrane?). What gallienus needs is a plan, a lot of courage, determination, an adjective to describe thirds and a 'Trusted General'. He has most of these, unfortuantly Roger the messenger keeps interupting all the bloody time!
It is said that it is the hardest thing in the world to be a Great Man's son. Well, Constantine II managed to prove that in his mostly useless life... To be fair, he had a rough start in life, holding the towl while your father drowns your mother in front of your eyes has to have an effect on a young man. However, maybe he has hideen depths that we can find!    Also, find out about the young Athanasius, he hated the Arian movement and loved his home of Alexandria, it's a shame he rarely got to visit...
Severus II. If you liked Severus, that will probably have no bearing on your opinion of Severus II. He was given the chance to rule by the current emperor; all he had to do was defeated the last emperor using the last emperors army against him… hmmm. anyone spot the flaw? Also: this week we look into the Edict of Maximum Prices! can Rob convince Jamie that this is interesting? find out! 
It's all going wrong! It's all going wrong! Here is poor Valentinian, trying his hardest (well, at least his mother is) and his generals are doing nothing to stop the barbarians, they are too busy fighting amongst themselves. Britain has gone, Spain is going, Africa is going, Gaul is going, What is left? The empire is about to fall! Wait, who's this? Is that, no it can't be, is that Atilla the Hun? Oh £%@*.
Hello! Welcome to Totalus Rankium; ranking all the emperors from Augustus to Augustulus (actually Constantine XI). This is a quick introduction, recorded at the end of the season, just to welcome new listeners and let you know where the podcast is heading. We successfully ranked all the emperors up until Augustulus, and have decided to cary on up until the fall of the East!  Also we are starting a new podcast called American Presidents: Totalus Rankium where we see which US president had the most interesting life.  We hope you enjoy the show! 
Nikephoros, his father, is dead. Now a young, brave Starakios must take the reigns of the empire and lead it to a new Golde- Sorry? His neck is leaking? Head almost off? He's dead? Oh. Ok then, NEXT!
Father Flav. Founder of the Flavian Dynasty. He sat on the sides watching Rome rip itself apart and scooped in at the end to pick up the pieces. Does this make him a hero or a coward? Learn how he won a triumph T-shirt, how he could heal the blind by spitting on them and how he started train stations charging to go to the toilet... 
It's tough being 4 years old. Everything is too big, you have to eat your greens, you are getting to grips with this toilet business, and your mother and the most powerful bishop in the west of the empire are playing tug-of-war with your existence. Oh, and a scary man with a cool name, who already killed your brother, is coming to kill you also.  It took Little Val several years before he attempted to get control over his fate... in retrospect, maybe he shouldn't have bothered. 
Aurelian is dead! Who can fill his shoes? Who wants to fill his shoes? Anyone? Anyone at all? You! You there! With the frown, you can be emperor! Tacitus doesn't want the job - he is old and wants to look after his glassware collection. But he has no choice, time to step up and led Rome out of the Crisis...  
A little bit of news, and info about when the next Emperor episode will be out (don't worry, it's on its way!)
It all started so well... The walls were built, the persians fought off, the grain shipments sorted, the university founded, the law code created, everything was looking so good. But who's this coming over the hill? He looks scary. And he has a simple, but chilling demand. 'Give me gold, or I will crush you and everything you love - or my name isn't Atilla the Hun'.  Oh dear...
And so we arrive at Justinian - by far the most famous emperor of the East bar perhaps Constantine the Great. But is that fame justified? Strap yourself in for this extra long episode including battles, Vandals, Goths, Persians, the plague, riots, mega churches, massacres, law codes and a bullied Pope!
The Constantinians are dead! It is time for a brave new start, it's time for the one and only Valentian to step forward! Who, you ask? You remeber him, he is the son of the trator who was responsble for Jovian's father-in-law's death. No? He ran away from the barbarians under Babatio. That's the one! Let's see how he does... is he strong eough to found a dynasty, to put down two reolts and countless invasions? Let's find out! 
Severus is dead, and he leaves behind two sons to rule the empire. One problem... The brothers despise each other. We mean really, really hate each other. This is no only-talk-at-christmas-to-keep-mother-happy kind of fall out, this is full-on let's-hire-guards-to-watch-me-sleep-as-I-dont-think-i'll-wake-up-otherwise kind of hate. Let's see how they get on trying to run an empire...
Theodora has an opportunity: her Iconoclast husband is dead, her son, the emperor is 2 years old. Here she is, a female regent in a world that does not accept female regents. So why not attempt to change the religious doctrine that has been followed for years? Wha't the worst that can happen? 
Ricimer is dead, the man behind the throne for the last two decades. Rome needs someone to fill his shoes, someone as cunning, as ruthless, as capable. Instead it was stuck with Glycerius. Oh well... 
Phocas takes the city, and therefore the Empire. Admittedly, he has a scar down his face, and a pointy beard... but we should not judge people on their looks, this does not mean he is a bad man. The burning of people in the market-place however, that could indicate that he is a less than pleasant person... oh dear. 
Who is this misunderstood youth? All he did was try to restore the empire after his evil Uncle Tiberius died. He built an aqueduct and restored the temples... and stopped the Great Shell Invasion of 40CE. And heard the voices of dead people and killed all his family and stole peoples wives and threw people to the wolves and forced marched the senate and built a pointless bridge and exiled his wives and invited people to his horse's house and ...(fade to black). Oh dear.
Leo, Michael and Thomas are three friends that share a prophesy - Leo and Michel will rule and Thomas will die horribly - horribly horribly. So when Leo sees his chance to usurp the old emperor, he goes for it! But now he has his good friend Banquo - I mean Michael - to worry about. Find out what happens in this week’s Totalus Rankium! 
A boy was born with two different coloured eyes so everyone called him a rude name. Then some stuff happened and he became Emperor. There are the Isuarians, the Demes and the Orthodox church out for his blood, plus Bulgars and Persians. And he is getting on in years. How can Anastasius possibly succeed? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus Rankium!  Featuring Drunk Monks!
  Ok, seriously, someone needs to step up. Who can sort this mess out? What about the son of Majorians general, the nephew of one of the best generals of the age, the nephew of Leo, supported by Zeno and the east, a man with links to Syagrius and the Friendly Franks, a man who has been running Dalmatia very well for the last couple of years. He sounds good!  Time for him to stand in the surf and demand the tide retreat... 
So, he wasn't going to get an episode - but you guys insisted. So you have no one to blame but yourselves. 
Quick update on the schedule
The third and middle brother of the Brothers Constantine. Constanius II had a lot on his plate: The Persians, the Sarmatians, the Alimanni, Magnetius, Vitranio, Gallus, Silianus, Julius… Still, all he needs to do is keep a level head and not go all purgey. There is nothing so bad that a few cunningly plotted schemes can’t sort out. Now, time to choose a Caesar, there must be at least one member of the family he hasn’t killed yet…
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Podcast Details

Mar 30th, 2016
Latest Episode
Jul 4th, 2020
Release Period
No. of Episodes
Avg. Episode Length
About 1 hour

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