I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming. H

‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’

10 days ago 6m 2s

Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’

21 days ago 6m 23s

Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, l

‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’

28 days ago 5m 43s

I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the wa

Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip

Mar 15th, 2024 5m 54s

I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used

‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’

Mar 8th, 2024 5m 52s

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’

Mar 1st, 2024 5m 45s

Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.I’m like, “Why would you even think that?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one

Feb 23rd, 2024 6m 15s

I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.c

Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’

Feb 16th, 2024 6m 15s

Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us

Feb 10th, 2024 6m 15s

“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it."irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.co

'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'

Feb 2nd, 2024 5m 52s

So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/priva

‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’

Jan 26th, 2024 7m 21s

Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’

Jan 19th, 2024 6m 51s

So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'

Jan 15th, 2024 6m 20s

Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’

Jan 5th, 2024 6m 35s

Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’

Dec 29th, 2023 6m 36s

Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t

Dec 22nd, 2023 6m 27s

It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’

Dec 15th, 2023 7m 8s

Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’

Dec 8th, 2023 7m 7s

We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’

Dec 1st, 2023 6m 38s

We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’

Nov 24th, 2023 5m 33s

“If we do this,” she goes, “my husband can’t find out about it. Under any circumstances?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?

Nov 17th, 2023 6m 18s

Or is Sorcha standing at the end of the bed, wearing the Tory Burch tennis whites she bought last summer to watch Wimbledon?She’s like, “Are you ready?”“Ready?” I go. “In terms of?”Read Ross O'Carroll-Kelly at irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarr

Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional

Nov 10th, 2023 6m 15s

It’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shop Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’

Nov 3rd, 2023 6m 33s

“Sur! Prise!” we all go.But the old man – standing at the bottom of the stairs in Shanahan’s on the Green – barely raises a smile. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.