Welcome to Para Palaver – the only podcast that isn’t afraid to tell you the truth because I don’t have anything left to lose. I’m your host, Darvin Schlender, and I guarantee that this is the most revealing unadulterated paranormal podcast out there. Unlike some other podcast and radio hosts, I’m not afraid of the government or the Illuminati or the Greys or even the Reptilians because nothing that they could do to me could ever make my life worse than it is now. I would welcome the sweet touch of death, if I’m being perfectly honest, but I’m too cowardly to do it myself. I’m fat, balding, smelly, a little drunk, I lost my job, and my wife took the kids and moved in with Salvatore, my shift manager at Arby’s, oh, I don’t know, 187 days ago. We’ve got a great show for you today brought to you by the good people at GetchaGold.com, amongst others. GetchaGold.com – the world is ending, why not get some gold? Go to GetchaGold.com and enter the offer code “Sadsack” to get a free 8 by 10 professionally taken photo of all the gold you’ll be buying with your first order. That’s GetchaGold.com – the gold getters! Tree psychic and my Brother-In-Law, Bramlett Kendripple will be calling into the show later. But first – the news.

Well, folks, the Reptilians are at it again. One of their scaly minions, my wife Sheila’s new boyfriend Salvatore Cullata, cut my hours at Arby’s down to 20 a week. Looks like I’ll be living off of stolen curly fries and Horsey sauce for the foreseeable future. Let me tell you something about that Lizard bastard – and this is just so typical of Reptilians – everybody treats them like they’re so great just because they don’t have an ever-growing, irregularly shaped bald spot and a sweating problem, but that’s the dead give away. People have bald spots. People sweat. People gain enormous amounts of weight in very short periods. Real flesh and blood people like you and me. We’d all have flat stomachs and long curly black hair and pencil moustaches and be 23 years old if we could just shape-shift into whatever form we pleased. And it’s just so obvious that he’s a Reptilian, it makes me sick, but Sheila just won’t listen. How else would you explain the fact that he’s only been in this country for 8 months and is already a god damned shift manager? Strings have been pulled and I’m talking about from all the way up the chain of command, folks. Thinking of him bringing back a bag of Jr. Bacon Cheddar Melts to my blissfully naïve, smiling children just makes my skin crawl. Oh, god, I just wants my family back! Sheeeeeeilaaaaa!

Sorry. In further news, Reptilians egged my car again and the Illuminati stooges at the bank keep charging me overage fees.

I’m being told that our guest is on the line, so let’s go to a commercial and we’ll be back with my brother in law, Bramlett Kendripple.

And we’re back. We’ve got our guest on the line. He’s a tree psychic as well as the brother of my lying, cheating wife. Bramlett Kendripple, welcome to Para Palaver.

BK: Now, Darvin, we agreed not to talk about Sheila. I’m happy to be on your little show, but if you continue to say things like that about my sister I’m just going to hang up this phone faster than you can say Great Basin Bristlecone Pine. Is that going to be a problem, Darvin?

DS: No. No it’s not. My apologies. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about what you do.

BK: Darvin, I’d be happy to. First and foremost, I am, as you said, a tree psychic. Now – tree psychic, what does that mean exactly?Well, it means that for as long as I can remember I’ve been blessed by the good Mother Earth with the ability to communicate with what I like to call “the wise old dinosaurs of the plant kingdom.” And by that I mean trees. Why do I call them dinosaurs? Well, ‘cause they’re so big, silly, and they’ve been around for so long. Longer than real dinosaurs, even.