In this season finale: a special guest, flies as pets, a productivity hack with hanging anvils and how to catch Kristen Bell. Flies, crows and sloths battle for the final place on the ark. Elliot, Joe and Saf plan how to have 500 children. Same

Camels

Jun 2nd, 2023 40m 21s

This episode: the new ark does drinking games, Joe shares wisdoms on pee consistency and Elliot readies arson charges. Also: the camel that shot its owner. Just cos'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Leeches

May 26th, 2023 34m 37s

This week on Ark the musical, we invent leech porn. What a climax. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Crows

May 19th, 2023 43m 30s

This episode: anti-rabbit lighthouses, why you might marry a dead person, and how crows are really the McDonalds mafia. Joe goes on record advocating for adultery and Elliot reveals a cunning plan to explode crow's heads with a murder mystery.

Crabs

May 12th, 2023 44m 43s

In this episode: Joe gets burgled and Elliot names an STD after himself for SEO. Also: how many legs can a crab lose before it's no longer a crab? This and other age-old questions will not be answered. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy fo

Ducks

May 5th, 2023 31m 22s

The show that will get Elliot cancelled. The darkest ep. to date. Where Joe admits the animal he's defending is a despicable serial rapist. Nuff said. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Flies

Apr 28th, 2023 43m 19s

Introducing the all new ark spin-off show, Films We Haven't Watched. Talking about movies we couldn't be arsed to see. With cameos from penis swords, walking zebra murals and awkward pauses... ... ... ... ... ... ... lots of awkward pauses ...

Tigers

Apr 21st, 2023 49m 44s

This week, Joe's being haunted and Elliot's high as a kite. But it's Tony the trouser-ripping tiger in the spotlight. You know that dude's over 70 years old and still creeping into kiddies' homes on cereal packets; definitely not giving off any

Owls

Apr 14th, 2023 50m 22s

Joe thinks owls are dead boring. Elliot spent a month in France saving their asses. But whoever said fight for what you believe in didn't while away his finite time before the grave recording drunken ramblings about space arks and raining cats.

Moths

Apr 7th, 2023 55m 17s

They're the mortal enemy of sharks, bees, elephants, Godzilla and Elliot. But special guest Leanna's determined to get them a space on the moth-ership. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Jellyfish

Mar 31st, 2023 37m 21s

They don't have eyes, ears, noses, brains, hearts or anuses. What do they have? A Welshman who self-identifies as a kettle to defend them. Good luck jellyfish. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sloths

Mar 24th, 2023 37m 57s

In this 10-year-old's wet dream of an episode, we talk about poo smells, sex screams and sliding down poles. You know, the usual Tuesday evening deal. Joe reveals intimate insights about his bowel movements. You don't wanna know. Hosted on Acas

Snails

Mar 17th, 2023 43m 18s

Snails. They're like slugs with houses. Or seahorses after 15 minutes in the blender. Or sloths if you're Joe. So come ye come ye and hear us two spineless suckers moping about dishing the dirt on these garden heroes. With all the energy of a s

Tardigrades

Mar 10th, 2023 35m 2s

This episode: tardigrades, the tiny little indestructible micro-bears with eight legs and a vacuum cleaner bag body. Why tardigrades? You asked for them. Nerd. Now see these superpowered microbes torn to shreds before your very eyes. Except it'

Sharks

Mar 3rd, 2023 42m 53s

You asked, we answered! Rattling off your audience requests to kick off TNA series 2, we're taking sharks to town. Which sharks can walk? Which die if they stop swimming? What idiot would put them on board an itty bitty space ship they're flyin

Rhinos

Feb 24th, 2023 54m 12s

Earth hasn't exploded (yet) so we're back! Well... Elliot is. Saf got eaten by fungi and in his place it's Welshman Joe being overly nice to bastard animals. First on the chopping block: rhinos. [Boo hiss!] In this ep, Elliot tries to break Joe

Frofunsnak

Jun 7th, 2022 54m 34s

The royal rumble rematch: closing out The New Ark series 1 in style with a three-way showdown between frogs, snakes and fungi. Can we break the podcast by letting a non-animal on board? Yes we can!! Our first 'happy' ending for the show and ple

Jaguars

May 31st, 2022 47m 34s

Is Black Panther any good? What the f*** is a panther anyways? In the series' penultimate episode, we take a jackhammer to jaguars' reputation and reveal why God mucked up with camouflage. Do jaguars deserve a spot on the ark? Head to @newarkhi

Meerkats

May 24th, 2022 41m 39s

Saf's chance to take his revenge on cats being left for the coming apocalypse. Elliot's chance to rant about annoying ads and murderous nymphomaniacs. Who's in favour of the pet meerkat and nearly won one with their car insurance? Listen in to

Earthworms

May 17th, 2022 53m 9s

This episode, Darwin and God team up to help worms worm their way on board. Elliot resorts to Star Wars' giant sandworms and the Mongolian death worm. And we discover the miracle of the transient anus. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote wh

Chameleons

May 10th, 2022 51m 6s

This episode: a starfish of chameleons in an aquarium. Also Saf misspells chameleon. Elliot plays the race card and reveals God's OG rules for animals on the ark. No longer will chameleons blend in and escape keen eyes- now they're out, exposed

Bears

May 3rd, 2022 51m 31s

So they killed 26 little children in the Bible, but never mind- bears are great, right? Then again, how did Goldilocks die? And what's up with the sloth bear ripping out peoples faces whilst they're still alive? Are bears hairy Chewbacca jedis

Bees

Apr 26th, 2022 57m 33s

In this un-bee-lievably bee-eautiful episode, the honey-tongued Saf defends bees against Elliot's lambasts. Inventors of democracy or imperialist autocracy? Hive mind or mindless bombing suicides? And what kind of bee makes hallucinogenic rainb

Wolves

Apr 19th, 2022 51m 13s

How do you catch a wolf with one hand down its throat? Listen in to find out. Fairy tale villains or misunderstood cretins- all will be revealed as Elliot and Saf sink their teeth into the gritty business of wolves. And supervolcanoes. Because

Fungi

Apr 12th, 2022 42m 26s

Saf's been eaten by fungi and now they're here to claim their mouldy old spot on the ark. They're not even animals but hey- who cares? They're serial killers anyway, so it take a very stupid person to get on their bad side. Like Elliot. Special