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2:00

Thanks Alfred! Do you

2:02

think? You really busted yourself up

2:04

with that one. Oh my god.

2:07

Let's get it

2:09

Alfred! In here! He's

2:16

really really happy. He's

2:19

really really happy. He's

2:21

really really happy. He's

2:26

podcast. He has no data for spam, no

2:28

one generally left.

2:29

I hear the bat! We

2:32

have a few minutes left. He's got

2:34

to have another go! He's

2:36

out for some decision! He

2:38

can't help us! But let me

2:40

be out! Marty, who's a rebound?! You

2:42

would believe we revealed reviews! Good enough

2:44

for a year now, help us freakin' hear now! In

2:46

front of the entire go to Halsey Beard!

2:49

Reveal,

2:49

reveal, reveal, reveal! Dr.

2:51

Sohr! Can we... Hahaha!

2:57

Let me out, let me in, I'm

2:59

here! Let me in,

3:01

I'm here!

3:04

Let me out, let me

3:07

in!

3:07

Let

3:11

me in, I'll read it! Let me in,

3:14

I'll read it! Here you go! I'm talking

3:16

to the bowl. I'm talking

3:17

to the bunny, go!

3:19

That's hot, man. It's like a, uh, one-two-two.

3:23

All right, now I'm talking to the old boy here. Let

3:25

me get started. Get in here! Don't

3:27

worry about it. I'm going to have to run you

3:29

through it. Let me out! Reveal, reveal,

3:31

reveal! You're talking to the real

3:33

winner. You're talking to the real winner. You're

3:36

proving to the real winner! Reveal!

3:39

Reveal, reveal, reveal!

3:42

You're talking to the real winner. We're

3:44

all talking to the real winner. Let

3:46

me out! Let

3:48

me out! Let me out! Let

3:52

me out! Let

3:54

me out! Let

3:56

me out! Let me

3:59

out! Oh!

4:03

That's the best one we've ever had.

4:06

I knew you were going to say that because it

4:08

was a song about you. And so it's just

4:10

kind of your whole thing is like you love

4:12

things are about you. Yeah.

4:14

The more words in the song are my name, the more of

4:16

a fan I am. And that's just how it is. That was

4:19

a... Oh, oh my God. I feel like

4:21

I need to know about the production value. That

4:24

sounded not like a karaoke track. That sounded

4:26

like a live band doing a Black

4:29

Eyed Peas

4:29

song. It was... Hold

4:31

on. Let me just check the email. Well,

4:34

the email's from will.i.am. It's from will.i... Is it

4:36

will.i.am.ed? Yeah. At iCloud.com,

4:38

which is kind of strange. Like a me, at me,

4:41

or whatever. At AOL.com. Yeah. Yes.

4:44

That was from Kevin. Kevin said, sup, it's me, Banksy. Obviously

4:47

not Banksy. Decided to make a video. I'm

4:48

not a fan of the band. I'm not a fan of the band. I'm

4:50

not a fan of the band. I'm

4:53

currently writing a book, so if you could yell

4:55

at me to write the book slash offer to read

5:05

it, I would appreciate it. Follow me around the street. Kevin,

5:09

write the book.

5:09

Read the fucking book already, man.

5:11

Write... No, write the book

5:13

so we can read it. Read the book already, man. Read

5:15

it and then write it. You're never going to

5:18

finish the book, Kevin.

5:20

You're never going to finish it. Oh,

5:23

who's the devil on my shoulder just appeared? If

5:25

you've ever listened to a podcast or listened

5:27

to anything funny or watched

5:30

any episode of television that's ever been written, but specifically

5:34

if you're a HeadGum fan, and I know you

5:36

are because you're listening to the show, and that means you've probably

5:39

heard all fantasy everything. Ian

5:41

Carmel is here. It's

5:43

so

5:43

wonderful to be here,

5:46

you motherfuckers. Motherfuckers. Ian,

5:49

we're so excited to have you.

5:51

I'm so happy to be here, and

5:54

I just want to be the voice in William's

5:57

ear, just who's the word, the doubter. I

5:59

think that's an important... like for all the hell where you're like, you're

6:01

never gonna do it. Nobody here thinks you can finish

6:03

this book. So then he's gonna be like,

6:06

he's gonna overcome it.

6:07

He has something to push again.

6:09

Throw the log of my doubt

6:11

into the steam engine of your laptop

6:14

or typewriter, wherever you're writing it. And

6:16

then just let that fuel you across

6:18

the finish line. He's gonna do it. And

6:21

it's gonna be because of my doubt.

6:22

And I think it's definitely someone who would make a Black

6:24

Eyed Peas cover that has that good of production value

6:27

is 100% writing a book on a typewriter. It

6:29

sounded great. Like I

6:31

usually would assume someone would find the karaoke track

6:34

and then they just record over it. It sounded like he was playing drums

6:36

and like...

6:38

It's like one main band, like Burt

6:39

from Mary Poppins style. Just kind of like

6:41

the whole thing. Did he have your middle

6:44

name in there? Alfred and Ha. Yeah,

6:46

so I have two last names.

6:49

And so he did both last names. I know, I'm

6:51

kind of loaded. And, but

6:54

it's amazing what you can accomplish, when you're

6:56

procrastinating something. I have to say, I think

6:58

the fact that he's not writing the book probably

7:00

contributed to the fact that it was a high

7:03

production value. Normally... He paid a studio band

7:05

to come in and record it. Normally the vibe

7:07

is more like, I played the karaoke track

7:09

on my phone off YouTube into

7:12

the mic as I sang it. So

7:14

that was pretty awesome stuff.

7:16

Do you have two last names, like progressive

7:19

parents, or do you have two last names like you are

7:21

part of the Royal Families of Europe? Like you're sort

7:23

of like a sax coburn. In a wayboat. In

7:25

a wayboat. It's more progressive families.

7:28

I mean, cause I also have a middle name. It's Alfred

7:30

Douglas Bartwell Evans. My

7:33

parents are both British though. I

7:35

was gonna say the weirdest name you could ever.

7:37

So it does, it's like you were right

7:40

in both ways. I have two progressive

7:43

British parents. I am

7:45

choosing to believe that you are an exiled

7:48

member of the British Royal Family. Well, I also have hemophilia.

7:50

I am also. Oh, okay, I can't be right

7:52

back. I have a Hapsburg palette, hemophilia,

7:57

and progressive British parents. Hapsburg palette.

7:59

But Ian, what's up? Like

8:04

how's your, we're recording on Saturday, September

8:06

9th, little peek behind

8:06

the curtain. That's right. What's

8:09

up? I've

8:11

walked to the coffee shop twice today and

8:15

that's literally all I've accomplished. That's

8:17

it. And that's brave. And that's big. What did

8:20

you get? I got a iced coffee the first time. And

8:22

on the second one, I decided to keep

8:24

my haters guessing and I got an ice

8:27

cream tea.

8:28

Oh. Yeah.

8:31

Yeah. Keep the haters

8:32

guessing. Do you have a favorite

8:34

between the two? I

8:36

think in an afternoon, I mean,

8:37

the coffee's crucial in the morning.

8:40

And there's going to be a lot more of this kind of stuff in my book.

8:43

And then in the afternoon. until I have had

8:45

my coffee. You start your day saying.

8:47

And I enforce it. And I enforce

8:49

it. I sort of hand out a card that

8:52

tells people I haven't had my coffee if they

8:55

even try to talk to me. And they sort of understand where it goes from

8:57

there. And then once I've had my coffee, I can't

8:59

stop talking. But then I say, don't engage

9:01

with me on anything challenging or emotional until

9:03

I've had my green tea in the afternoon. Like ice

9:05

cream tea. Which is another. My ice cream tea. So

9:08

it's really just like fast in the morning and then in the afternoon,

9:10

it's just kind of like, you know, then I really dig

9:12

in. So I've had my ice cream tea, I'm ready. I'm ready to get into

9:15

the issues.

9:16

That's fantastic. And Alfred, how are you? We've

9:19

been talking to you all day. Yeah, I mean,

9:21

I. What's new in the hours since I've spoken to

9:23

you? I have a migraine. And it's gotten worse since

9:25

you last spoke to me. I think it's because,

9:27

speaking relative to what we're just talking about, I don't

9:29

think I had a caffeine early enough today. Ah,

9:32

yeah. So withdrawals. I slammed

9:34

a matcha at 11 a.m. And then

9:37

I got a large iced coffee from Duncan

9:39

about half an hour later. But I think it was too

9:41

little too late. I'm

9:43

a person with a pretty strong caffeine

9:46

habit. So it has

9:48

to be a lot and right away. Otherwise

9:50

the whole day is fucked.

9:52

I would just like to say, because no

9:54

one else saw this except for me, this is before Ian joined

9:56

the Zoom. Oh, come on. I was pulling

9:59

up, you know, getting. stuff ready again, theme song

10:01

ready, everything. And he looked

10:03

like, and the only way I can describe it is like a colicky

10:06

baby. Like he grabbed his forehead

10:08

and made a face. I don't even

10:10

know what you did beforehand, but he just made

10:12

a face and was like, and

10:15

it was so. And I just knew that this is going to be your

10:17

whole thing is going to be, I have

10:22

a migraine. I think

10:24

it's allowed to be my whole fucking thing. I

10:26

think I'm allowed to have this one

10:29

thing, you

10:30

know, you made the fact that you had COVID like the

10:32

last three episodes.

10:34

Two episodes. Is this one of those

10:36

podcasts that believes in COVID?

10:38

Uh, we try and like take like

10:40

not a real stance. We can do plugs now. We

10:43

can just kind of jump. Uh. Okay.

10:45

I just sort of like to plug doing your own research

10:48

and. For sure, for sure. You know, just like sort

10:50

of like, you know, seeking out

10:52

the facts and then making decisions based on that.

10:55

Sure. Do you have any sources? Yeah.

10:58

Yeah. Um, I don't know if you have access to

11:02

the dark web, you can just kind of find

11:05

my ex account on the dark web. And then I've posted

11:07

like a lot of primary research, a

11:10

lot of, uh, phone

11:12

pictures I've taken of photocopies

11:15

that have been faxed to me. And there's a lot of,

11:17

like a lot of that kind of stuff. Uh,

11:19

I think if you, if you want to follow my, my,

11:21

my account on social media, it's, uh,

11:24

it's, it's, it's based Dr. Fauci

11:27

underscore in between each of those words. Uh-huh.

11:29

And, uh, you can use

11:31

all platforms. That's on everything. That's

11:34

on threads. Great.

11:35

And you're, uh, you're chairing

11:38

RFK's campaign, correct?

11:40

I am chairing RFK's campaign. Yeah,

11:42

absolutely. And it's a pretty, it's a really cool gaming

11:45

chair. It's $16,000 and it glides

11:49

like a dream. And by gaming,

11:51

sharing RFK's campaign, you

11:53

mean I'm sitting in my gaming chair listening

11:56

to campaign videos at

11:57

a hundred percent. That's a hundred percent, right.

12:00

But speaking of scary, speaking

12:02

of dark web, speaking of something

12:04

that's a little frightening. You want to talk about Benskytown? Richard Scarry's

12:06

Benskytown? Is that what we're getting into? I

12:08

was actually going to jump to our

12:10

really topical subject today. It's

12:13

a little scary. It's a little autumnal.

12:16

It's something we can't get enough of. What

12:19

do you mean can't get enough of?

12:21

I mean we can't get enough

12:23

of this stuff. Are you kidding?

12:25

Do you own a scarecrow?

12:27

I have never in my life

12:30

owned a scarecrow because I've never lived,

12:33

I grew up from Los Angeles, and so I've never

12:35

lived on a piece of land that would

12:37

denote needing a scarecrow for any reason. It's habitable

12:39

for birds, right, right, right. Well,

12:41

I guess I don't have crops or things that

12:43

I would need to be protected. This

12:46

is a genuine question. LA. Birds?

12:50

Parrots? Buzzards? Do birds exist in Los Angeles? Is

12:52

that it? Is it parrots and buzzards?

12:54

When you say birds, having two birdish parents, do

12:56

you mean are there women in Los Angeles? How in a bird? Come

12:59

on, how in a bird? And

13:02

it's the two end of the spectrum. The parents are the hot

13:05

ones and the buzzards are kind of the dog. You

13:07

got all the buzzards there for fucking night. I

13:09

got a lot of buzzards out of this time. We can catch

13:12

up with one another. But do you

13:14

get little Tweety Birds that go...

13:16

Do you mean like the Warner Brothers animated

13:18

character

13:18

Tweety Birds? Like

13:21

Times Square Elmo style Tweety Bird. There

13:24

are birds in Los Angeles, that's what you're asking. I've

13:26

seen Tweety Bird at Tower Bar a couple times.

13:29

Oh my God. And

13:31

you don't want to run into Tweety Birds. I do not

13:33

want to run into Tweety Bird. It was Tweety Bird, Tobey

13:35

Maguire, and Ethan Suppley

13:38

hanging out having salads. And

13:41

they called himself the... The

13:43

Puddy Tap Posse. The Puddy Tap Posse.

13:46

Oh my God.

13:48

And talk to me about

13:50

Scarecrows. What's your experience with

13:52

them, if any?

13:54

Well, first of all, I live in...

13:57

I have several...

13:59

sort of like spooky experiences with

14:02

scarecrows. I live in, I don't actually, but

14:04

I live in Atwater Village here in Los Angeles

14:07

and my neighborhood is lousy with crows. Crows

14:10

are ravens. There's

14:11

crows, ravens, all sorts of birds.

14:13

I live by all sorts of birds. I live

14:15

by the LA River and

14:17

there's great blue herons. They're

14:19

like, it's a very like active, oh the

14:22

block is hot, bird-wise. Yeah.

14:24

Absolutely. A lot of women roaming the

14:26

streets of Atwater Village

14:29

from TJ to the Bigfoot Lounge. I've

14:31

worked with British people for like a decade and you

14:34

think I would have something even close to a good British

14:36

accent, but no, not even a little bit. I

14:40

grew up in Oregon though, so I definitely

14:42

have seen, like I've been around crops,

14:44

I've been around scarecrows. My mother

14:47

lives in a part of Portland. She's like

14:49

very into gardening and and

14:53

like she really loves her squirrels. She's

14:56

cultivated a very, a bustling

14:58

squirrel population, but there's also a lot of hawks.

15:01

So her and her boyfriend,

15:04

which feels so weird that your mother in the sixties

15:06

has a boyfriend, but I love it. Here we are,

15:08

her and her hot piece of ass boyfriend.

15:11

They've situated a mannequin.

15:14

So a scarecrow would

15:16

be much more preferable, but like apparently

15:18

that's not enough. The mannequin is

15:19

much more terrifying. It's so

15:22

scary and they move it around

15:24

to keep the hawk on its toes. You

15:26

gotta keep, so it's like wearing clothes, but

15:29

it's complete, like a white face to department

15:31

store mannequin. And I stay at my mom's

15:33

house. It's the worst thing. It's the

15:35

worst.

15:36

I'm thinking of emancipating myself legally.

15:39

What is the mannequin outfitted

15:41

in?

15:42

It varies. It put different,

15:44

it put different.

15:46

It feels bad for me. It's

15:49

tweed. It's tweed right now as the seasons are

15:51

changing. No, it's not

15:53

tied to any sort of gender identity or anything like

15:55

that. They just throw different clothes on it and then they wash

15:57

those clothes.

15:59

And yeah, so

16:01

that's my current experience with Scarecrows,

16:03

and then going back in the past it's mostly pumpkin

16:05

patches. Right. Uh huh. Yeah.

16:09

And

16:09

the Wizard of Oz. Yep.

16:10

Yep. Yep. Yep.

16:14

Yep.

16:14

Yep.

16:15

Yep. Yep.

16:17

Yep. Yep. Yep.

16:21

Yep. Yep. Yep.

16:24

Yep. Yep.

16:25

Yep. Yep. Yep.

16:29

Yep.

16:30

And the Scarecrow? I don't know what to tell you. No. It's

16:33

the Uncle who plays the Lion before he turns

16:35

into the Lion in the black and white line.

16:38

Yeah. Whose name I cannot

16:40

remember. I think

16:43

I identified most closely with the Cowardly Lion as

16:45

a child, which would also shock

16:48

nobody.

16:48

My experience is- As a child. I

16:51

also did use, if I only had

16:53

a brain, the Scarecrow song from the Wizard

16:55

of Oz as an audition song

16:57

when I was maybe 13. For

16:59

college. For college. I didn't

17:01

get the part. I did not get the part. Auditioning

17:03

for Carnegie Mellon. I'm a performing- Digging

17:06

the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard.

17:09

It's like shockingly accurate. In

17:11

lieu of an essay, I have

17:13

a performance piece.

17:16

And in many ways that is how I got into college.

17:18

It was just by sort of, what

17:21

if I told you he can barely read, write, or

17:23

do math, but he couldn't sing-ish.

17:28

But no, I didn't really have a lot of experience with

17:30

Scarecrows growing up, which is surprising because I grew

17:32

up pretty rural. But

17:36

I don't know if they work. Ian

17:41

your story seems to imply that it does work

17:43

if you are dedicated to the cause,

17:45

that you keep changing it and you keep changing the

17:47

location of the clothes. But

17:50

a lot of the reviews I read were pretty negative.

17:52

Maybe negative about the efficacy of the Scarecrows.

17:56

So I don't know. I don't know if I would even bother investing

17:59

in one if I had a- But I guess

18:01

it'd be worth a try. Do you have a green thumb?

18:03

Do either of you ever have a green thumb?

18:06

I

18:06

have a garden. I have a couple

18:09

of garden boxes In the back,

18:11

but I've covered them and it's not the crows. I'm

18:13

so worried about with that It's the it's the various

18:15

other the neighbors would critters

18:18

the neighbors

18:19

Neighbors it's like I've covered

18:21

it, but it's like they see the covering

18:23

Oh, yeah the covering or change it like you

18:25

can't fool them Bruce and Tran sneak over

18:27

and pop the little cherry tomatoes in their mouths to the heart's

18:29

content then scurry off like a couple of raccoons

18:32

Yeah, I had an a per Apartment

18:35

I lived in in Chicago who they had a garden

18:37

that was abundant and it was

18:39

this older couple that lived there He'd

18:42

lived in the house for 50 years He'd

18:45

lived there his entire life as a kid and

18:47

then grew up and had this Got

18:49

married and moved back into his childhood home But they

18:51

had this garden and it would produce so much

18:53

produce and they would just give it to me and

18:55

it was Genuinely the best part about living there and

18:58

I mean you found out he was killing people and

19:00

using their bodies to fertilize them And that was how

19:02

it was so

19:03

I don't know why for some reason someone living in a house for 50

19:05

years like screams haunted to Me even though it's like

19:07

I'm sure it was a beautiful home They have a lot of great memories, but like

19:10

just the thought of that. I'm like, oh, okay a hundred percent

19:12

He's a murderer. Like there's

19:13

no way that like you don't live somewhere. Why

19:15

are you hanging on to it? What's buried under there that

19:17

you're scared of someone find it? Yeah, exactly

19:20

What are you what crime are you waiting to?

19:23

For the statute of limitations right now. He

19:25

once sold me three air conditioning

19:28

units for like five bucks each Where

19:30

it's like,

19:31

I don't know if he like thought I would be embarrassed

19:34

to just take them for free So he's like no

19:36

give me a little something I

19:39

know you didn't need $15 A

19:43

single-family home in Chicago.

19:45

You're not hurting for gas Throw

19:48

me a couple fibers That

19:51

paid his property tax for the end of the body 50

19:54

years ago the house

19:56

is still valued at like $300

19:59

The price that his grandparents

20:02

bought it for when it was like, you

20:04

know, still rural Chicago because it

20:06

was like 300 blocks

20:09

above whatever.

20:09

It was downwind of the river before

20:12

they, uh, now it's the bean. Now

20:14

it's the bean. They turned this out to the bean.

20:17

It's crazy and he's still there. That's why he hasn't moved. He

20:19

can't get out because it's all, uh, anyway,

20:21

um, should we get, finding the door

20:23

takes forever on that thing. That's the biggest thing. He's

20:26

been there for 50 years. I don't

20:28

know if it's on one of these sides. Um,

20:32

should we get into it?

20:33

No. Oh, okay. Kind

20:35

of a disagreement here. All right. Would

20:37

you rather, should we talk about birds for more? We're talking

20:40

about more Chicago. There's more Chicago. What

20:42

else? What else? Did you take

20:44

the boat? Do you take the boat tour? I

20:46

took the boat to her. Oh, you gotta. I was

20:48

there earlier this summer. My wife is from Highland

20:51

Park and we did the, uh, yeah. So

20:53

we did the architectural boat tour. It's a

20:55

lot.

20:55

I've always wanted to do that. I haven't done that

20:57

yet. It was, it was a, let's get it. Should we get into

20:59

it now? It's genuinely the one thing I always recommend.

21:02

It's always the one thing I recommend. He had

21:04

to plug the boat tour and now he's ready. Honestly,

21:06

fantastic. Like it was funny, informative.

21:09

It's like 90 minutes. They sell drinks on

21:11

the boat. If you're into that, it was delightful.

21:14

My tour guide one time

21:16

was a man, um, who had served in Vietnam

21:19

and he talked about it

21:21

pretty much every building. He found a way to tie it back

21:23

into his time in Vietnam. Um, so

21:25

there's kind of, you know, there's varying experiences. Let

21:27

me, let me tell you about another boat tour. It's

21:30

more

21:33

lasted nine months, longest nine months of my life.

21:35

I, uh, I know a guy who does the tour

21:38

now though, and I don't know if he's qualified, but he does

21:40

it. Um, he's a nice

21:42

guy. So maybe, you know, what does that mean? I

21:45

mean, genuinely, he's like.