0:02

Welcome to the Dad Edge Podcast.

0:04

The Dad Edge Movement creates leaders of men,

0:07

leaders of families, and leaders of

0:09

communities. We will not only

0:12

impact this generation of fathers, but the

0:14

next generation as well. The

0:16

kids we are raising will have better chances

0:18

and odds stacked in their favor because of

0:20

the amazing example that their fathers emulated for

0:23

them. We are here

0:25

to change the world. We are

0:27

here to change relationships. We

0:29

are here to positively disrupt this generation

0:31

of fathers so no man goes to their

0:33

grave with regret. We

0:35

disrupt the drift of busyness and replace

0:38

it with razor focused intention, passion,

0:41

purpose, and direction. We

0:44

are the Dad Edge and we are

0:46

here to change the game. Hey,

1:02

what's up gentlemen? Welcome to the Dad

1:04

Edge Podcast. I'm Larry Hagner. I am

1:06

your host. I am your founder. This

1:08

podcast, this show, and movement, this Q&A

1:10

would not be possible without the legendary

1:12

Uncle Joe. What's up brother? How

1:15

are you doing? I'm doing great, Larry. As always, man, just

1:17

excited to be here. I'm excited to be here

1:19

too. You want, well, let's just get started. Nate, you got

1:21

the first question, man. Let's roll. Hey,

1:24

Larry, Joe, and everyone on the call. Thanks

1:28

for your time. This has been really helpful for me.

1:30

I'm pretty new to the Dad Edge group. First

1:33

time on a call like this actually. Thanks.

1:37

I don't know. My question is more of

1:39

a tips and tricks kind of question, I

1:41

guess. My

1:44

wife and I, we work a

1:46

lot along hours. It's

1:49

really tricky to get in extracurricular

1:51

activities with kids and stuff. I

1:55

just wanted to get some recommendations maybe for some

1:57

valuable. types

2:01

of activities to do with kids.

2:03

Like we've had them in

2:05

like one sport in the past, soccer

2:07

and that's, you know, it's pretty tight

2:09

to me going to practices and, but

2:11

you know, I saw the value of

2:13

that. I'm considering getting them

2:16

into tub scouts right now. And

2:18

I've never, I've never been involved

2:20

in organization, but, but it

2:22

seems really like a lot of beneficial things

2:24

about that. I like the idea of outdoors

2:26

kind of activities and learning that kind of

2:29

thing. But, you know, we've

2:31

got to be really strategic about how we

2:33

spend our time just because we're, we're, we're,

2:35

I mean, I'm a business owner. My wife

2:38

also just works a lot, a lot of

2:40

hours travels a lot. So taking kids to

2:42

things is just, it's tricky. So I'm

2:44

kind of looking for maybe some advice around what,

2:48

what are some, maybe from your guys experience

2:50

of like, what are some really valuable groups,

2:53

organizations, sports? Like what, what do

2:55

you feel like are some like

2:57

most valuable things that we could,

2:59

we could do with our kids and,

3:01

and they're five and seven. My kids are

3:03

five and seven. So kindergarten, first grade, for

3:07

context. Yeah. So

3:09

that's my question. Tell me about your business. Real

3:13

estate development. So I'm kind of

3:15

just, you know, there's

3:17

always work to do. So I, I typically

3:19

work, you know, six days a week, most

3:21

of the day, those days and

3:25

yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's fun. I

3:27

do enjoy it and it's a lot

3:30

of variety. Yeah. And then what

3:32

does your wife do? She's an

3:34

advertising executive. It's probably a lot, goes

3:36

to New York and stuff. No. Okay.

3:41

My, my dad actually said this a

3:43

long time ago. It's that we're, we're,

3:45

we're tempted. I love that you're, you're

3:48

asking this question around kids' activities because

3:51

I think it's safe to say

3:53

that there's a lot of us out there who

3:56

get our kids in too many things. Like

3:59

to the point where. where it stresses them out. And

4:01

when they're stressed out, when they're burnt out, and we're

4:03

also, we're the ones taking them to and from practices

4:05

and all this other stuff, like it, it

4:08

gets crazy. Like, so

4:10

we've made a rule in our house when we did this a

4:13

long time ago, even when we only had the two boys, and

4:15

now we have four, but you,

4:17

every single boy, like every

4:19

single young man in this house, you

4:22

are required to do

4:25

one thing that's

4:28

extracurricular. But

4:30

the requirement is that you

4:32

only do one thing at a time. So

4:35

like, if you're gonna play, if you're gonna play

4:37

a little league baseball, do that for that season,

4:39

right? If you're gonna be in wrestling, wrestle. If

4:42

you're gonna be in Cub Scouts, it's Cub Scouts,

4:44

right? If you're gonna do piano lessons,

4:46

like a couple of my kids did, or saxophone

4:48

lessons, that's your thing, you know, for that particular

4:51

time. We have found

4:53

that when kids have two or more

4:55

extracurricular activities, while some, I

4:57

think temporarily, a lot of people will say like, oh, well, it's

4:59

great, it keeps them out of trouble. It

5:02

also burns them out over time, and it overwhelms

5:04

them at the same time. Plus,

5:06

like the focus, like, isn't, it's

5:11

easier to focus on one thing at a

5:13

time. So like, you know, if

5:15

your kid is into, you

5:18

know, little league baseball, but you're

5:20

trying to do scouts on top of it at the same time, could

5:23

you do it? Sure, you could do it. But

5:25

you're also missing family dinners, you know, you're

5:27

taking one kid here, you know, you're taking

5:29

one kid there, it's like, every

5:31

night of the week, you're looking at your calendar, I

5:34

mean, like, we either have practice, we have a game,

5:36

or we have scouting. And when you've got two boys,

5:39

like that will take up a lot of time

5:41

if you have two of them in, you know,

5:43

more than one thing. I

5:46

find that the balance of them doing

5:48

that is tremendous, just

5:50

that one thing at a time. The other thing is this,

5:53

I always ask, like, I remember

5:55

when my kids were five and seven, it's like, what do

5:57

I get them into? Do I get them into wrestling? Jiu-jitsu?

6:00

of scouts baseball or whatever. And

6:02

what I failed to do, and my wife pointed

6:04

this out, she's like, why don't you just ask

6:06

him? I was like, yeah, right, I probably

6:08

should start there. And I just simply

6:10

say, hey, what is something

6:13

you really wanna do? Is it

6:15

baseball, is it scouting, is it karate,

6:17

is it swimming, and sometimes your

6:19

kids will very

6:21

pleasantly surprise you and say, I really wanna

6:24

try this, and it's great. Our

6:26

deal though, also, and this commits them and

6:28

us, is that whatever

6:31

it is that you choose, we

6:34

are committing to this for a certain amount

6:36

of time. Sports is pretty easy because

6:39

we're like, hey, if you wanna play Little

6:41

League baseball, there is no quitting. If

6:43

you're starting Little League, you're gonna do it

6:45

for the season, there is no quitting, period.

6:48

And I'm happy to say that that is one

6:50

of the guardrails we've always taught the kids, because

6:52

I think that that teaches is a very valuable

6:55

life lesson. Because they're like, man, I hate this,

6:57

I know, I get it. And

6:59

we both committed that we were gonna do this for four

7:02

months. So we're gonna finish what we

7:04

start, because that's what hagners do, that's what we say

7:06

in our house. We finish what we start,

7:08

even if we don't feel like doing it. So

7:12

have you asked them by chance? No,

7:16

I haven't, so that's a great tip,

7:18

I think. Yeah, you

7:20

can just sometimes see what they have to say. Joe, what

7:22

did you wanna add to this? You

7:25

know, I'm almost

7:27

an empty nester here, so my youngest

7:29

two are 19 years old. But

7:33

I have been a part of raising five

7:35

kids. And

7:37

so a couple of things that

7:39

helped me. One,

7:42

build some skill inside of your own self where you can

7:45

do in 36 hours what you used to do in 48. I

7:49

will tell you that I am much better at

7:52

getting my work done in a shorter period of

7:54

time. And When

7:56

you learn how to kinda compress the

7:58

things in each unit, The do into

8:00

a less maritime do not take that

8:03

margin and go spend it all more

8:05

work record so stuff create margin and

8:07

and use that margin for the things

8:09

other than work level. Like like typically

8:11

workaholics like my and I am a

8:14

recovering workaholic. You know if we make

8:16

more space what we do you just

8:18

fill it up with more work raw

8:20

and him as though don't do that.

8:24

At a don't think about like.

8:27

I outta you. I wished I'd done this more

8:29

idea doing this later in my years, but we

8:31

said done this more. Read.

8:33

A book with the on. Bar.

8:36

That Boys or girls. What? What Are we up?

8:38

We get five and seven. What Are the boy?

8:40

girl? What one of it's actually up? The woman

8:42

over the older boy girl. May.

8:45

And you'd be surprised at just taking

8:47

like a great piece of literature. In

8:50

reading a story with see I'm lucky I

8:52

like your the Chronicles of Narnia or something

8:54

like that and and just reading a story

8:57

with them and getting involved in it actually

8:59

like you know, Taking on

9:01

character roles what you're reading like when I

9:03

would risk like every the my my grandson

9:05

now and I'll make the voices that take

9:07

on the character roles of the of the

9:09

book and she absolutely loves that rat am.

9:11

So you know reading a book with your

9:13

kids or something as simple it doesn't take

9:15

a ton of time you to a chapter

9:17

at a time. Or although you

9:19

will find that you do want you to

9:21

build go to. we just do one more

9:23

Iraq you know so that they are more

9:25

time. It doesn't do it, do something like

9:28

that or. Doing something

9:30

simple, like teaching them a skill around the

9:32

house. Uma. Like had

9:34

a build something? you know? or I

9:36

mean these are things that you can

9:38

do in thirty minutes or an hour

9:40

around the house on Saturday afternoon and

9:42

you'd be amazed. Like a special with

9:44

a boy. Put. Up put a

9:47

hammer and is A and and let him drive

9:49

a few nails and teach him how to do

9:51

this. That is like that is the coolest thing

9:53

ever. And so it doesn't have

9:55

to be like, you know, Oh. Listless

9:57

filmed a karate endless get into soccer a

9:59

me. Holy Smokes, those things are

10:01

huge time and in financial commitments. And it

10:03

doesn't have to be huge damage financial commitments.

10:06

Quite honestly, it might be the thirty minutes

10:08

you taught him how to drive a nail

10:10

that he remembers more and his last at

10:12

any soccer game. me, every plate. Yeah.

10:17

There is that you. Make and

10:19

I challenge you to one more thing. Even I know you're

10:21

busy as. Sure

10:23

flu coach one of their kids

10:25

teams go wife at least at

10:27

least for a lesson at five

10:29

and seven. I. Feel.

10:32

Has an hour to their. Like. You really

10:34

don't like I actually just codes to

10:36

i'm few months back or a with

10:38

actually passed by as opposed. By.

10:40

Nine months ago. Now it is

10:42

summer. Last year I totes my

10:44

seven year olds little league team.

10:47

And. I'll sit there thinking like. An.

10:50

It's been a minute since I act man I

10:52

was the head coach normally Army as I'm one

10:54

of the coaches not the head coach because that's

10:56

like a part time just says that the but

10:58

this year are that Last year I decided I'm

11:00

like you know what? I'm going to

11:02

coach the kids to arm in arm and be the head coach.

11:04

I'm gonna take that on. And what

11:06

I found was his I was like

11:09

man it has been like of really

11:11

long time since I taught like a

11:13

whoop a bunch of little guys. How

11:16

To Play Baseball. So. I say

11:18

you tube did, Because here's the saints

11:20

Those that age group five, seven, eight

11:22

years old you've You've gotta switch up

11:24

to Rose quickly because they lose interest

11:26

pretty quick. So like less time

11:29

on drills is butter and then the

11:31

other thing to his arm. Is

11:33

easier to make a fun you have megaphones a

11:35

you tube like Literally became my best friend like

11:37

I would bring. Us a wireless

11:39

speaker. he notes her to practices. I had kids

11:41

do all kinds of eye coordinated stuff like in

11:44

as they were like trying to catch, learn how

11:46

to catch with their gloves and stuff like that,

11:48

and throw and they were laughing at light hysterically

11:50

you say through practice in a good way and

11:52

but that's what made things interesting. But it was

11:54

a challenge for me. it's I had to grow.

11:57

I had to figure that one out like a

11:59

didn't come easy. I'm. Khotan air

12:01

seven year olds had a how to play

12:03

baseball because you take like ours baseball sea

12:05

breeze it's not the them is not like

12:07

there's focus more kinds of things the I

12:09

do but what our players there's something really

12:11

cool like I I think. You. Know.

12:14

Kids. It. Goes in that core

12:16

memory bank right? Kids remember if their dad

12:18

was a coach for their for one other

12:20

teams at a certain point my life will

12:23

always remember that though. Remember that into adulthood

12:25

and armor my dad coached this or that,

12:27

You know it's so take that on. You

12:29

know, even if even if you don't have

12:32

the ban with. Do. It

12:34

anyway because it's such a positive

12:36

experience. Was.

12:41

A year was you bear what war some both

12:43

some your main take ways. Ah,

12:46

why I really liked the idea you

12:48

mentioned about them. Asking. Them

12:50

for their opinion so I am

12:52

a d dominant for the put

12:55

together some options to show some

12:57

youtube videos, news and. In.

12:59

And and yeah it's a good idea

13:01

as a now it'll be or more

13:03

invested in the in the idea to

13:05

slow the school. I mean with all

13:07

it's all he wants to do is

13:09

is beyond as I said at this

13:11

point so is he made a note

13:13

all of a lot of the toothless

13:15

out every album comes out of it

13:17

like is a disaster the ones he

13:19

he we really want a year as

13:21

a family and one activity so if

13:23

it one other than I that adds

13:25

a thrive I pad downtown as active

13:27

as that the some worse. Ago

13:30

Man ah out with joseph to

13:32

about just car of now. Big.

13:35

A always be more efficient with work and

13:37

don't turn back with filled out with more

13:39

work which is my tendency It looks while

13:41

other a workaholic for sure. So we want

13:44

we want We want to be busy We

13:46

want be busy. A Before

13:48

we get our next question here from Michael.

13:50

I know you're new to the Alliance but

13:52

tell us what the tossed by He joined

13:55

I and I'm an ad actually ask you

13:57

this questioning Somalis. I'm so fascinated by it

13:59

I. Which. Is before

14:01

you applied. Always. Something that

14:04

happened. Or what was a trigger that.

14:07

Something. Might happen your life He like. You know what?

14:09

I'm gonna do this. What was that for you? Well.

14:13

I think it was. It

14:16

was from him by of my. Two.

14:19

Things my mind my realization that

14:21

all I was doing was working

14:23

and you have my kids were

14:25

becoming an age. You're getting to

14:27

that age where really so day

14:29

conviction that I need to be

14:31

spending more time with them further

14:33

cements more. Want to do that

14:35

Really dumb both physically. But.

14:37

Also says my wife.

14:40

Being. Pretty set up with me just

14:42

for can all the time in. And.

14:46

Of getting to the point where was

14:48

she was feeling very like. Out.

14:53

And trying to think what she said exact

14:55

Bobby there was there was even like like

14:57

Seattle date this is gonna work out like

14:59

if it's all your usual work like this

15:01

year between us. Get those conversations like that

15:03

even. So.

15:06

The. A was it was just like

15:08

some other kind in the bottom of

15:10

like man I'm I'm not missing out

15:12

on some really importance years with my

15:14

kids. Can. And my

15:17

walls totally fed up with me.

15:19

So. Yeah. I think that

15:21

was a pharmacy your podcast probably

15:24

a year ago so gradually can

15:26

have been moving more towards. The.

15:29

Putting a focus on these these

15:31

kids and my marriage so is it.

15:34

Really helpful. So thank you for

15:36

all that continent alveolar community members here

15:38

now so that that's why this land

15:40

enjoyed that they had the data july

15:43

and in sin. I'm. So

15:45

glad you're here Man Welcome here is Pam.

15:47

As yeah we as I heard this corner long time

15:50

ago it is. I wish I would have spent more

15:52

time in the office. said no Dad ever at the

15:54

end of his life As a. Federal

15:57

happens a lot of.

16:00

I'm glad you're here. Rather sell or

16:02

I michael what she got mans. Oh.

16:06

Herself. I. Find

16:08

myself. Kind

16:11

of in this the Sulu said

16:13

i need to read reset are

16:15

thinking on ah. Okay,

16:18

I continue. I guess to have

16:21

these expectations of how I want

16:23

my wife to respond to things

16:25

that I do or say an

16:27

arm and then when, even when

16:29

we do discuss it. So it's

16:31

not like a covert contract and

16:33

is. It. Doesn't go the way

16:36

I want and I'll start to get

16:38

by. I guess build up some resentment

16:40

army when I know better so I

16:43

need to switch mine. Mine said almost

16:45

certain. Get ahead of that instead of

16:47

oh crap. Now resentful now honest in

16:50

her. You know, however, that may be

16:52

you. It's to use just really withholding.

16:55

What? Sells her in a love languages

16:57

I'm a i'm not a deal on

16:59

it consciously so what can I do

17:02

to set. Reset

17:04

and my thinking where I don't get in

17:06

the same cycle over and over again. Who.

17:10

Bad as a good question. The can you

17:13

give us some detail on what are some

17:15

things that. You. You

17:17

do. And. That.

17:21

Air and what is exactly you're you're wanting are

17:23

looking for. But most importantly were the things you

17:26

do. So

17:29

like her too big love languages

17:31

are are words of affirmation and

17:33

sit in physical touch. So like

17:36

out get a find myself. Well.

17:39

I guess feel resentful for to

17:41

her so I'll start going towards

17:43

her. I'll start like soon as

17:45

she walks in Life. right?

17:48

Now it sounds silly like I know

17:50

she loves her meta. Since

17:53

he came from the like grab stuff and

17:55

give her big hug or on the opposite

17:57

says you know when you have talked about

17:59

the low languages. Have you

18:01

the matter Anita speaker love language so

18:03

and our our current purposely do that

18:05

are almost like oh hey what's up

18:07

once you open the door knowing. Now.

18:10

Is not given it but that than

18:13

that really hurts. It is like has

18:15

the art opposite of said. you know

18:17

instead of building in cylinder bucket it's

18:19

actually heard in are so then it's

18:21

too late, the damage is done with

18:23

shit. I don't wanna do this but

18:25

I continue to do things like that

18:27

and. On. It's.

18:30

Silly stuff. Lights. Would

18:32

my schedule on pretty much song

18:35

almost two days I don't see

18:37

are so bomb. You know some

18:39

listens or podcast what I'm feeling

18:41

is like sadness or loneliness. but

18:43

what I'm. Most.

18:46

Projecting. Back on her is light.

18:49

And set it on hey I'm sad he I miss

18:51

you. Are be like all you

18:53

have in my tests in the up. Enough

18:55

over the last day. Miles on duty like

18:57

it makes me feel sad, doesn't make me

18:59

feel my life but that's what on. You

19:03

know? And then I start to get resentful

19:05

ago she hasn't texted me back enough for

19:07

she doesn't even need sell or you know.

19:09

And I get he's busy right? and as

19:11

I say, I need to reset my mindset

19:13

and. Understand like.

19:16

She. Probably home deal with the two boys who.

19:20

Decided at eight o'clock Now they want another

19:22

dinner, you know, But unlike weather up there

19:24

in bed. By. Why has she like?

19:27

You know she hasn't texted me. You know,

19:29

and I mean, and. And. It's

19:31

just one little thing, but it's

19:33

me allowing to compound and than.

19:36

You. Know, even though we have a weekly

19:39

marriage meeting and we do discuss these

19:41

things than us are going like. She.

19:44

Knows better than this site you are and

19:46

and I started. Build. It up

19:48

Know we don't let it get to a point

19:50

where it's bad to do that. A lot of

19:52

weekly marriage means or every week I'm but still

19:55

I should know our know how I'd change that

19:57

word I I don't allow that the have a

19:59

regardless. The what? she's done right

20:01

without putting expectations on her, without

20:04

going into that. With

20:06

the you know. Neither

20:09

demand but any type of the you know,

20:12

I'm I'm doing. I'm given her

20:14

her love languages regardless, right? How

20:16

to keep that positive mindset of

20:19

from falling modern this up even

20:21

more? But ah, I'm and. You

20:24

know I think that would make her want to

20:26

come to me more. As as set

20:28

of instead of. You.

20:30

Know hurting her and make in her

20:32

sad and then sixteen years. And

20:35

health. And then we started to go on

20:37

a positive direction. And then it is. You

20:39

know it takes down tix, down Tix Town.

20:43

Like a sudden I do something hurtful, even

20:45

though it's a small thing like not have you

20:47

know once you open a door, you know.

20:50

So. I'm

20:52

not that made it anymore clear it

20:54

now I does is designed body else

20:56

notice how Joe is just patiently. Waiting.

21:00

And waffling on I target this

21:02

what he's gonna share some sums.

21:05

On. The tip your tongue man what she got. Will

21:09

start from a camera on this fact That

21:11

is what best are known you so lot

21:14

of and like. As soon as I like

21:16

I'll look at Zola kill actually be writing

21:18

things down. I write things down to and

21:20

he'll be like you and then then when

21:22

he like this. They'll

21:26

kick back and start like this year of

21:28

touch in his beard a little bit. I

21:30

know, There. There's there's a lot of

21:32

things waffling on that, mine and harder his. So what is

21:34

a job you. Are well

21:36

of First of all Mako. I.

21:40

Have I had a I have lived

21:42

the Us What you're talking about I

21:44

have lived. And quite honestly

21:47

probably ever god every top with at

21:49

some level has lived this. I'm

21:51

I just I mean a person would So

21:54

six such a great question cause are so

21:56

many guys see others their sit on his

21:58

their sequence oh my gosh for. Gotta

22:00

say, right? Again she

22:02

when our.you are they are gonna

22:05

give you a response I'm. In

22:08

I'm a mom will take it from my standpoint.

22:11

I'm. What?

22:13

Was it about? Are these

22:15

response or lack of response?

22:19

That. I needed What was it

22:21

feeding inside of me? So when

22:23

my expectation was at Mit from

22:25

her response what was that was

22:28

lacking in me that would calls

22:30

me the and to become reserved

22:32

for So I'm gonna ask you

22:34

that question, what is about her

22:36

response or lack of response or

22:39

less you say? A response that

22:41

doesn't meet your expectations? What is

22:43

that? Seating. In

22:45

you that is now not being

22:48

said. Oh

22:52

goodness, go back to the book girl

22:55

that I've been really going back to

22:57

buy gear junbish of lately and I

22:59

I see allowed. Somewhere

23:02

in there I'm going to find the

23:04

answer but I feel like what wasn't

23:06

for silver as as lousy young boy.

23:08

So I came from our house with

23:10

a single dad who. Wasn't. Around

23:13

a lot, right? So. I'm

23:18

thinking that if there is a bringing back

23:20

to that time when I was literally like.

23:23

The boys I have set a and

23:25

eleven hours at home by myself for

23:27

that days but all the time low

23:29

my knee know looking back in a

23:31

in a year on wages Only question

23:34

now is. Forced to deal with

23:36

it. So maybe I'm projecting that on

23:38

the my wife's as soon as she

23:40

doesn't. She's not my dad. when I

23:42

may. You. Know what? I'm

23:44

a now acting out right? Weird,

23:47

unhealthy behaviors. China. Get

23:49

attention. Minister. They is is

23:51

aimed at his as a matter of

23:53

validation perhaps made a big busy you

23:56

feel and invalidated or you select you

23:58

need to be validated. Her response. When

24:01

it's done appropriately does validate you.

24:03

Or. I mean. Every.

24:07

Me like usage. Okay my dad wasn't around

24:09

and in in. When this in we're dealing

24:11

with a childhood wounded I happen to have

24:13

you know of basket full of those Am

24:15

still you know I'm still alone Cross to

24:17

walk me through it. He'll in my life

24:19

but. Here's.

24:21

Peers reason I'm asking this is of could this

24:23

is that it the of Tiffany that I it.

24:26

It is not obvious responsibility to

24:29

see that inside of me. And

24:32

it is wrong of me to demand that of her.

24:35

And. What I was was a relational

24:37

vampire. Easy. I would come over and

24:39

sink my teeth into her neck

24:41

and try to draw life from her

24:44

to feed a lack of life inside

24:46

of me. That's.

24:49

What I was doing or leone it and

24:51

that's what I. That's what destroyed marriages For

24:53

me to be quite honest with you, is

24:55

there was this whole that was inside of

24:57

me. You're not, You're looking for my wife's

24:59

or somebody else to feed that hole inside

25:01

of meats and when they didn't deny would

25:04

past I would get upset or I would

25:06

be No, I would get angry or. By

25:08

our man. Passive. Aggressive move

25:11

man. I was the captain of

25:13

passive aggressive. This may lack of

25:15

get really passive aggressive windows. Things

25:18

weren't sad. And. The.

25:20

The the epiphany was that

25:23

acting to was it's not

25:25

her responsibility. I have

25:27

no control over her as a overreaction

25:30

and I should not. Story action is

25:32

what it is the she's reacting harm

25:34

the way she's reacting. Probably.

25:37

Doesn't have anything to do with me and

25:39

he is probably try to like forty thousand

25:41

other things that are going on inside our

25:43

he had to guess If you haven't figured

25:46

this out yet, your was can literally think

25:48

about ten thousand things one time. Or

25:50

at were one track people route with Sega

25:53

one. What they get a tops is seems

25:55

like a Rb has got like a thousand

25:57

things going on your head one time. I'm.

26:01

In like sometimes I would like her

26:03

response. Like. It, it wasn't what

26:05

I wanted to than I would immediately

26:07

projected as his outfit. that that's that's

26:10

that's up. A disk sees disrespecting me

26:12

or she's not acknowledging me or that

26:14

was towards me when I had nothing

26:16

to do with that at all. And

26:18

it was my own wounds. the I

26:20

was filtering out of the stuff through

26:22

that. Was. Calls in in

26:24

in own then I'd get all upset

26:27

because no man not get what Anita,

26:29

this relationship or so many guys right

26:31

now could say I'm not getting what

26:33

I needed. This relationship. Mud

26:36

much my message to any guy that

26:38

say and that he ah it's not

26:40

her responsibility, your happiness in your joy

26:43

is not her responsibility. That.

26:45

Is yours? Rights

26:48

and. While

26:50

I'm. While. Your

26:52

wounds are your wounds. Her

26:56

wounds are your wounds. New.

27:01

He what a more says. Wants

27:03

to marry this girl? You don't just marry

27:05

her, You marry her wounds and everything else

27:07

and what we do. We get so focused

27:10

on our own stuff, we're not even paying

27:12

attention to what's going on in her loss.

27:14

And we're constantly looking for hard to feed in

27:17

the Us to heal our wounds. And.

27:19

We're not paying any attention to hers or

27:21

what's going on there in. Ah,

27:23

Became I was a

27:25

relational vampire. That's really

27:27

what I was. And.

27:30

The way that we refrain that. Is

27:33

we have to tell ourselves? It

27:36

is not her responsibility to feed my

27:38

ego. Is not a responsibility

27:40

to validate me, is not her responsibility

27:42

to create joy inside of me. That

27:46

belongs to me. Once.

27:52

I came to that epiphany black hole at

27:54

and and then I realized the second epiphany

27:56

I came to was that I could do

27:58

that by myself. that

28:02

creating joy inside of myself by myself

28:04

was an impossible task. Right.

28:07

And that it what I did not, you

28:10

know, not

28:12

to slight Gary John Bishop. He's a great

28:14

man. Okay. But sometimes

28:17

we cannot un-eff ourselves. Sometimes

28:20

we need, we need

28:22

some help and sometimes we like and that helped

28:24

to me has come through my relationship with Christ,

28:27

my faith and quite honestly relationship with men that

28:29

are on this call. There are guys that are

28:31

on this call right now that

28:34

have been a huge part of helping me

28:36

deal with those things inside of me and

28:39

get to the point where I could pull my fangs out. So

28:45

don't do it alone and

28:47

don't expect her to be the one that has

28:49

to feed that once we do that, then we

28:51

stop, we stop having, we stop having her extra

28:54

life. I would tell my guys on my comm

28:56

team when I was leading a Friday morning call

28:58

team in the Alliance, I would tell my guys,

29:00

I live my life with great expectancy, but with

29:02

no expectations. It

29:06

meaning I look into the

29:08

day and know the day is going to bring great

29:10

things for me. There's great things coming into this day,

29:12

but I don't have any expectations. And if I don't

29:14

get what I want, I'm not but

29:17

heard over it. Right. So

29:20

can we say that Larry? We can say that can't we? We

29:22

can say that. We can say that. Yeah. All

29:25

right. Those are my those are my thoughts. Larry, what do you think?

29:29

My my thoughts are actually very

29:31

very similar to yours. I

29:33

used to get caught up in this trap. This

29:35

is a very common trap, you know, that was

29:38

like, hey, I'm I'm putting forth effort, you

29:40

know, and I don't see reciprocity. I

29:42

don't see it reciprocated back, you know,

29:44

and that can get very very frustrating,

29:47

but you even mentioned some things in there

29:49

of like man, I'm on you know, I'm on my

29:51

shift and I haven't gotten a text from her and

29:54

stuff like that. And what I'll

29:56

tell you is let me ask you this. Have

29:58

you have you told her that? that that's

30:00

meaningful to you? I

30:04

think we've discussed it in our marriage meetings

30:06

to a point. And

30:10

again, it's my failure, but that's where I

30:12

even get, I guess, a little bit more

30:17

upset is because I'm like, wow, we've

30:19

discussed this not in a

30:21

fight, but we've discussed it in the

30:24

marriage meeting when we get

30:26

to the appreciation part and

30:30

try to do it in a positive

30:33

way. Man, I really liked when

30:35

you texted me the other day. And

30:38

we went back and forth for 30 minutes. I felt

30:40

really connected. So then my self-talk will

30:43

be like, she knows there. Now she's

30:45

not texting me. But I think, again,

30:48

like Larry said, it's more, I

30:51

mean, sorry, that Joe said, it's

30:53

not her responsibility. I

30:56

need to figure out what I'm

30:58

walking inside, what I'm trying to get filled.

31:02

And then instead of

31:04

lone wolfing it, like you say, reach out. And

31:09

if there is an issue, dump it on somebody

31:11

else that has the bandwidth that's not at home

31:13

with the boys and not just worked

31:15

all day. And you

31:18

know what I mean? I

31:20

think that's definitely something I can do also, is

31:22

find another outlet. I

31:27

mean, so you said something right

31:29

away that was a red flag to me. And you're

31:31

like, I think. Right?

31:34

I think she knows. I think we've talked about this.

31:38

But to me, that's not she

31:40

doesn't know. OK. That

31:42

is my first assumption. So I'll

31:45

give you this example. Jessica and I have been married for 21

31:47

years. But I'm not a family therapist.

31:53

But I know a thing or two about marriage now. I

31:55

mean, obviously being married to her for as long as we

31:57

have. And her love

31:59

language. or complete polar opposite

32:01

of mine. So, but

32:05

the thing is this, is our wives are not

32:07

mind readers. And the other thing too is like,

32:10

so words of affirmation are a huge deal to

32:12

me, right? I pour those into my wife. They

32:14

don't really move the needle for her. She's not

32:16

necessarily words of affirmation. It's more access service and

32:18

quality time. But

32:22

what I find is, is that she

32:24

was not raised in a house where there was

32:26

a lot of compliments given. She was raised with

32:29

a great family. But

32:31

they weren't really upfront with

32:33

compliments or

32:36

anything like that. They didn't really share a whole

32:39

lot of compliments. And so I just gave up

32:41

on my wife complimenting me like

32:46

years ago. But here's the interesting thing.

32:49

If I look through the lens of like, I wish you

32:51

would compliment me more. Like you're looking through the lens of

32:53

like, I wish you would text me more while I'm at

32:55

work. It also robs

32:57

you of like, well, what is she doing? How

33:02

is she loving me that I'm not seeing,

33:04

right? And my wife will do tremendous things

33:06

for me. But

33:08

it's not necessarily my love language, but

33:10

at the same time I'm like, oh, well she

33:12

is doing these things, right? Whatever those things are.

33:15

I will share this with you. I

33:19

used to tiptoe around my wife

33:22

of things that I would want, right?

33:24

Or requests or whatever. And

33:26

what I'll tell you is they don't like that. They

33:28

don't like a man who tiptoes. They don't like

33:30

a man who just is

33:32

very uncertain about like, hey, you know what would

33:35

be really nice is if, you know. So

33:37

like, for instance, if

33:40

I want sex, I will

33:42

just boldly tell her, I

33:44

miss you. That's our code word for sex. Like,

33:47

I miss you. I would, I'd

33:50

really like to be with you today. Like, and I'll

33:52

tell her that. But here's the other thing too. I

33:55

don't hold that against her if

33:57

that request is not met. because

34:00

there's two people, right? However,

34:03

the dangerous thing

34:05

is that if I

34:07

somewhat, I'm gonna use

34:09

the word expect very, very loosely because I

34:11

don't think that's the right word, but

34:14

like I want it to the

34:16

point or like I want, even

34:18

if it's not sex, it's something else, right? But

34:21

if she doesn't know without

34:23

a shadow of a doubt that that is what's on

34:25

my mind or something that's really, really

34:27

important to me, then I'm

34:30

really, that's dangerous because

34:33

she's not a mind reader and neither am I. So

34:36

one of the agreements that we've had is

34:38

like, hey, let's boldly tell

34:40

each other the things that are meaningful to

34:43

us or a request or like,

34:45

so I'll tell my wife,

34:47

I'll actually even, if I'm you,

34:49

I know, and every relationship's different, when

34:53

she texts me something that's nice, right?

34:56

I'll go to her, like, and I'm just using you as

34:58

an example, I would go to

35:00

her and say, you sent me this text. I

35:04

can't even tell you how much I appreciate

35:06

this text. This is

35:08

what it meant to me and why. And

35:10

the other thing too is if you did this,

35:13

if you could do this more often, the

35:15

world would open up for me. Like you

35:17

have no idea, like, and I know it's not

35:20

necessarily on your radar to do this all the

35:22

time and that's fine, but if

35:24

you did do it more often, that

35:27

would be amazing. So I would say that

35:29

request. And then I'd follow it up with, what

35:31

are some things I can do to love you

35:33

even better? So

35:37

with a request that I have, I'm

35:39

also asking out of curiosity, what

35:42

are some things that I can do for you? Because

35:45

we wanna make this mutual, right? And

35:47

by the way, a lot of

35:49

us, I'll do it in that voice tone

35:52

boldly, confidently. And I used to be like,

35:54

hey, yeah, that

35:56

would be really, really awesome. That

35:59

falls flat. In my opinion, I think

36:01

you have to be bold. I think you have

36:03

to be confident. Now, I think there's a big

36:05

difference between being overpowering, right? But

36:07

you can make a request with confidence. I think

36:10

that goes a little bit. Is that

36:12

helpful? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Very

36:15

good. There's a way to be confident

36:17

and not be demanding. Yeah, exactly. Yeah,

36:19

that's good stuff right there, Larry. Yeah.

36:23

Thank you, guys. You bet. You

36:26

bet. Hey, gentlemen, speaking

36:28

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37:12

Joe, thank you so much for joining me today, man. This

37:14

was awesome. I just love having you back here, brother. Just

37:17

thank you for the opportunity. It's a privilege

37:19

and an honor. I appreciate it. Back at

37:21

you, man. Back at you. Gentlemen, go out

37:23

and live legendary. Take care.