The metamorphasis is complete. It took five long years. You started out as a card-carrying, black jeans wearing, country dancing Lesbian...and now you have become a baby bag carrying, play date organizing, suburban mini-van driving, Mommy. A
Donating your organs after you die can be one of the last altruistic you perform as a human being. Since you won't be using it anyway, why not leave your penis to some person that really needs it and can get a lot of good use out of it. While w
Fat pigs roasting in the sand...the sound of fat sizzling and cooking on the beach...the scent of coconut (suntan lotion) wafting through the air...Hawaiian shirts that looked good when you bought them, but that you'll never wear again... Is it
Some foods give you a clue that they are not good to eat. Sour Cream tells you exactly what you're getting when you look at the name. How can that be good? Now, Homo Milk, on the other hand....how can that be bad?
Not every Lesbian conforms to the usual stereotypes. Some Lesbians don't actually play softball, they don't watch football and they're not turned on by other Lesbians with sports injuries. Instead, they carry the gene for hoarding animals they
Here we go again. A small, but vocal minority pushes to repeal the hard-won rights that LGBT people have recently gained in the South. If this keeps up, it's going to be a very long, very hot summer with Roxanne pissed off and angry again every
Yes, it's true. The world really is conspiring against you to thwart all your efforts to get simple things done. Roadblocks are being intentionally put in your path to try and deter you from your mission. Now that you know that, there's only on
It happens at the most inconvenient time. It's never when you expect it. It hangs around endlessly and it takes longer to leave than you planned for. There's never a good way to get rid of it and it never gets a clue. It's not actually herpes,
In the event of a global nuclear war the only surviving life will be cockroaches and rats. Of course, there's no need to wait until Armageddon strikes. Rats and roaches are living in every house in America. They're sleeping right next to you, w
This week's forecast includes heavy rains and a high chance of flooding. Expect huge mudslides and big messes to clean up. Your best chance of success this week relies on lots of blue tarps, large trash bags, gallons of cleaning fluid and rubbe
It takes 10 muscles to smile and 6 muscles to frown. Either way sounds like a lot of work. Why not just go with Resting Bitch Face. That takes no muscles at all and is simply the look on some people's faces. It's not only true...there is scienc
Once upon a time there was a little massage parlor close the edge of town, all the way at the end of an isolated strip mall. All the boys and girls who went there there had a magical experience and walked away happily ever after. The End.
Throwing kids birthday parties should be an Olympic sport. You need some form of super talent to come up with the party of the year that every Mom will be talking about and trying to beat. This year, just rent a bunch of zoo animals and let the
The grass is always greener across the street, or at least at the porn house that sells for more money than the house you just sold. The extra sheen that glistened on the walls and the unusually crunchy carpeting apparently appeaed to a lot of
Mixing is up a bit and trying new things can help keep a relationship interesting. If you're going to bring latex body paint home from the store, however, make sure you do a little trim before you put it on. Nobody really wants to see your pube
It doesn't have to be Halloween for you to be the scary dyke in the neighborhood. All you need is your big stupid dog, a pair of jeans, some old sneakers and a sweatshirt. The straight ladies will be calling their husbands off the couch to come
Haven't had any in a while and getting tired of doing it by yourself? Now all you have to do is to see the gynecologist and get a mammogram in the same week. That's enough penetration for entire month. Done.
Any mom can be a den mother for a troop of cub scouts. All it takes is a blue, button down shirt and a yellow bandana around your neck. It takes a special kind of mom to take her little scout camping out in the middle of nowhere, to sleep on th
Family-friendly used to mean that Homos were welcome. Now it means you can bring your 3-year old son and let him run around the restaurant to his heart's content and nobody will bat an eye. It also means that the drug addict prostitute taking a
It's perfectly normal to cook while naked. There are just two rules you have to remember. Never reach down to scratch your butt, and always wear an apron. You really don't want that bush to catch fire and burn down the house. That will be a lot
The good people of Yelp are delighted to let you know that your local dog park is a feces encrusted mudhole with rancid people that will unceremoniously allow their dogs to mount your pure and innocent little princess. Sounds like a perfect pla
It's the law of the land now -- Gay people can get married anywhere in the United States, and we have all the rights that go along with it. Just don't take your honeymoon in Hawaii or you might spend the rest of your vacation in jail just for k
It used to be that a dick pic was something you'd see on the wall of a public restroom. Someone would artfully depict a cartoon of a penis using a black magic marker. We would either be horrified or chuckle to ourselves discreetly and then shar
Rescue centers that adopt pets usually go through a lot of effort to ensure that the pets they adopt out are a good match for the new owners. They check the pet's temperament against the new home, they check to see if the pet is high or low ene
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