0:03

The best! Gift I could ever

0:05

give my relationships is to

0:07

work on who I am within

0:09

them and as I change

0:11

the transformation isn't a private one,

0:14

it begins to ripple out

0:16

to everybody and I built. That's

0:18

Doctor Leslie Parrot and she's with us today

0:21

on focus on the family along with your

0:23

husband, doctor less period and your host his

0:25

focus on the Family President Dr. Jim Daily

0:28

I'm John Polar and thanks for joining us

0:30

a John! What we do here focus pretty

0:32

much as marriage at the heart of everything

0:34

because families, That's where it all begins. Parenting

0:37

is important to us as well, but it

0:39

starts with marriage and keeping marriage is healthy

0:41

is the goal and we want to make

0:43

sure we're doing all we can to fulfill

0:46

that part of our mission. And today. We're

0:48

going to have a great discussion about

0:50

getting healthy in yourself so that those

0:53

around you, including most importantly your spouse,

0:55

you can have the healthiest relationship possible.

0:57

And you know The fact is, if

1:00

you want a healthy marriage, you have

1:02

to be healthy yourself. That's the bottom

1:04

line. That's what are guess are talking

1:06

about with us today and lesson Leslie

1:09

have been married since Nineteen Eighty Four.

1:11

The have two sons and less is

1:13

a clinical psychologist, Leslie, a marriage and

1:16

family therapist and they're very popular. Conference

1:18

speakers and relationship experts and bestselling authors.

1:20

and today run be touching on their

1:22

book Healthy Me Healthy Us. The subtitle

1:25

is relationships are only as strong as

1:27

you are really driving home a gym.

1:29

That point you're making less and less

1:31

late. Let me welcome you to focus

1:34

on the family. Welcome you back. We

1:36

love being with friends. Now let me let

1:38

me just start off with this idea

1:40

of what's the biggest question that you

1:42

here in this context of healthy marriage.

1:45

Healthy Me When you're counseling and speaking,

1:47

what is it that couples will come

1:49

and say The well We've been here

1:51

for years and only him in the

1:53

question is will what do we do

1:55

What's the secret to a good relationship

1:57

Will hear that time and again. yeah

1:59

There was one thing, you know, like

2:02

what a leverage what's the big defining

2:04

thing? Yeah, that's the question. And

2:07

we say the answer is found

2:09

in two words, get healthy. And

2:11

when we say that, we mean

2:13

psychologically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually healthy. And

2:16

most of us don't think about that when we

2:18

think about our relationships, because we're thinking about the

2:20

other person, if he and you know, or she

2:23

would shape up, maybe this relationship could be fantastic.

2:25

And the problem is, you

2:27

can see that, but

2:29

how do you get from point A to point B? I

2:32

mean, that's what makes life so difficult for

2:34

people that are limping, if I could say

2:37

it that way, emotionally, spiritually, they're not healthy.

2:40

So first you have to assess, where

2:42

am I? Now here's the

2:44

problem that, you know, never happened in my

2:46

marriage. I

2:49

have a friend who, you know, you're my friend,

2:51

John. But

2:55

you know, you always, I shouldn't say

2:57

always, right? But you look to your

2:59

spouse's flaws so quickly. Oh, yeah.

3:01

You know, we'd have a better marriage if

3:03

my spouse didn't do fill in the blank.

3:06

Why is that not a wise way to go? Well,

3:10

I mean, I love that because

3:12

everyone relates, right? It is so

3:14

clear what everyone else can do

3:16

to change this relationship we're in.

3:19

But why it doesn't work is

3:21

because we don't recognize that who

3:23

we are is totally contagious and

3:26

the ripple effects that go

3:28

out from our presence in

3:30

a relationship completely change the

3:32

dynamic of the relationship. It's powerful. Well, and

3:34

that's why we say, in fact, the whole book

3:37

hinges on this very sentence that

3:40

your relationships, not just your marriage, any

3:42

relationship, your relationship with your kids, your

3:44

relationship with, you know, whoever, your

3:47

relationships can only be as healthy as

3:50

you are. Right. Therefore, one

3:52

of the most important things you'll ever do

3:54

for your relationships is work on who you

3:56

are. Right. And That's the

3:58

little twist here. And So people. Don't

4:00

always expect that. you're yeah oh this

4:02

is what's the secret. Oh great relationship,

4:04

Good healthy because your relationship will benefit

4:06

and we're going to continue to the

4:08

program where and talk about those steps

4:10

that you need takes. I want to

4:12

go back in the book You had

4:14

an experience looking at art I think

4:16

was Michelangelo's David the statue of it

4:19

which is I've seen it as well.

4:21

I mean it is amazing or but

4:23

you actually took a little detour as

4:25

a Muslim and I thought that was

4:27

really funny and profound he had or

4:29

know what season. You are there but when

4:31

we were there it was so hot and a

4:33

people were lined up imo and they are added

4:35

As always is some. And

4:38

but it was. You know and

4:40

incredible thing to see some from the

4:42

eve study though, your life and Michelangelo's

4:45

life and all that. and and so

4:47

I'll people crowded around this incredible statue

4:49

of David are homeless or heroes as

4:52

as. We thought

4:54

well let's see if the travel costs and

4:56

out with one or downer you know a

4:58

hallway and stumble onto these things. That dub.

5:01

Are known as the captives and their

5:03

blocks of stone. That damn Michelangelo started

5:05

and never finished and so you might

5:07

see an arm protruding. hear his practice

5:10

really yeah or he he He said

5:12

it was always freeing the the stone

5:14

to be what it needs to be

5:16

in it. He said these this they

5:18

stopped right they never became. Oh and

5:20

as we sat there and memory set

5:23

on this been chase and we were

5:25

looking at those hand I said something

5:27

to the sectors in a he can

5:29

help but think about yourself for sure.

5:31

That those what's unfinished in me

5:34

right as a great first question

5:36

yeah and really kind of spawn

5:38

the conversation between the two of

5:40

us about getting healthy. Yeah, we

5:43

have this deep sense because we also

5:45

have this sort of akin are so

5:47

we know there are things in us

5:49

that are still kept him that God

5:51

would like to more fully heal. Hear

5:53

ya? Things that we can grow in

5:56

and and there's a best self? We

5:58

are not arriving. And following nobody. rise,

6:00

right? Nobody woke up. Did you wake up

6:02

this morning, Jim? I go, hey, I guess

6:04

this is it. I can check it off

6:06

my list. I'm whole and complete. I had

6:08

to put eye drops in my eyes. I

6:10

said, man, my eyes are going bad. I

6:12

was trying to read your book. I'm like,

6:15

what happened here? So, in large print editions.

6:17

Yeah, I knew that. Thanks a lot. But

6:19

you know what I'm saying? We all think

6:21

that this is somehow, we can somehow check

6:23

it off our list eventually and we even

6:25

think maybe if I get married and I

6:27

lean into this person, there'll be a shortcut

6:29

to my wellbeing. Right. And nobody can do

6:31

that for you. That's ultimately the work that we

6:34

do with the Holy Spirit in our life, not

6:36

this other person. As iron sharpens iron, we can

6:38

help each other on the pathway, but we can't

6:40

rely on that person to do that. It's true.

6:42

Let's get into some of the points

6:45

of the book. You mentioned unhealthy

6:48

versus healthy. So, give us the

6:50

attributes of the healthy person. Yeah.

6:53

Well, the first thing is they're self-aware.

6:55

It's difficult. In fact, we psychologists love

6:57

to say awareness is curative. Once you

6:59

become aware of something, then you

7:01

can do something about it. I went into

7:03

our son Jackson's, he's a teenager, went into his

7:06

room a few nights ago and

7:08

he plays the guitar. He had a couple of

7:10

guitars. One was on the floor. One was on

7:12

his bed. He was leaning against his bed. He

7:14

was reading. There must've been a million books on

7:16

the floor. And I just said, Jackson, look at

7:18

this room. He goes, what? I said, it's crazy

7:20

in here. What do you mean? I said, look

7:23

at it. And he looked around. Oh, yeah, it's

7:25

kind of messy, I guess. And I didn't say

7:27

anything else. That's all I said. And I walked

7:29

away. A couple of nights later I came in.

7:31

Guess what? Everything was cleaned up. You're

7:33

kidding. No. How is

7:35

it that easy? You need to write a parenting

7:37

book on how to get your kids to clean

7:40

their room. Well, that's

7:42

the point. Awareness. Yeah. So awareness is

7:44

good. You have proactive, resilient,

7:50

optimistic, confident, empathetic, humble, grateful, growing. Kind

7:52

of sounds like the fruit of the

7:54

spirit. It does, doesn't it? Yeah. Because

7:56

like, for instance, proactive. I mean, the

7:58

opposite of proactive is where you get

8:00

stuck because you're placing blame. You know,

8:03

you're shifting blame, but proactive is I'm

8:05

owning my life. You know, I'm owning what can

8:08

we do? How can I be a part of

8:10

whatever's getting stuck right now? Yeah, I

8:12

think another important one is there's a

8:14

sense of humility on the healthy side,

8:17

whereas on that unhealthy side, there's a sense

8:19

of entitlement. We hear that word tossed

8:22

around these days, but we

8:24

all can fall victim to that. The person

8:26

that is growing, that's maturing, is

8:29

humble about recognizing, I

8:31

can't do this on my own. God help me be

8:33

the person I need to be in this situation. Well,

8:36

and that's a healthy Christian, actually. That

8:38

fills in the scripture that says

8:40

we're all centers saved by grace, right? When

8:42

we really understand that, that we're not

8:44

better than anybody else. It's just we

8:46

see what we believe is

8:49

the truth about who Jesus was. Let's

8:51

hit those unhealthy descriptors just to make

8:53

sure people are capturing those. So the

8:55

healthy is self-aware, proactive, resilient, optimistic, the

8:57

list is in your book, people can

8:59

get a copy, unhealthy. Describe

9:01

some of those. Well, it starts

9:03

right out with self-absorbed, which is the

9:06

opposite of self-aware. Self-aware is a

9:08

great thing, but self-absorbed

9:10

is all about me, and all

9:12

I can see are my own

9:14

needs. So it's a very consuming

9:16

thing. You're not able to be fully

9:18

present to other people and offer yourself a gift.

9:20

Have you ever been with somebody where the conversation is

9:23

just so focused on them,

9:26

you realize there's no curiosity within

9:28

them about you? We

9:30

call it their curiosity quotient, it's a zero.

9:33

And I've studied this. In fact,

9:35

so many times we're speaking someplace, we get

9:37

in a car with somebody and they're taking

9:39

us, and I always say to Leslie, how

9:41

long do you think it'll take before they ask us a

9:43

question, other than how was your flight when we first get

9:45

in the car? And it's a

9:47

pretty good indicator, it's a barometer of reading

9:50

of how comfortable they are in their own

9:52

skin. It's amazing. Let's move to the hallmark

9:54

of health. What are those three things you

9:56

point out in the book that

9:58

really do set you on the ground? on the right path.

10:00

Well, let me tell you something. We did a lot

10:03

of research on this. This is the first question after

10:05

somebody says, okay, what's the secret to a healthy

10:07

relationship? Well, get healthy. Okay, well, how do

10:09

I get healthy? Right. That's the

10:11

question. Give me the map. Yeah. And

10:14

so what we've tried to do is put these three stepping

10:16

stones in order and they really

10:18

build on each other. Yes. But

10:20

these three stepping stones and you repeat them because it's

10:22

not like you, like I say, you can check it

10:24

off your list. Right. It's not

10:26

a one and done. It's a circular

10:28

thing, ever deeper, ever healthier. But the

10:30

first is just a sense of profound

10:32

significance. Yeah. About yourself

10:34

though. Yes. That seems counter. It

10:37

seems counter. It feels a little awkward. You know, look

10:39

at me, I'm so special. But

10:41

that's not what you're saying. It's

10:43

recognizing how profoundly significant you are in the

10:46

eyes of God. Which is the difference. And

10:48

you have to recognize. In fact, you know,

10:50

as we walked into the doors

10:52

of Focus on the Family to do this broadcast

10:55

today, I was reminded of so many friends that

10:57

we've had here. And one of those friends who's

10:59

in heaven now, HB London. I was going to

11:01

mention that. And HB had

11:03

a saying. And by the way, we knew

11:05

HB long before he was at Focus because

11:08

when we were in graduate school in Los

11:10

Angeles, he was our pastor and we were

11:12

on staff as the college pastors there. That's

11:14

the name of Nazarene. That's right. And he

11:16

nearly every Sunday would say something to the

11:19

effect of God loves you as

11:21

if you're the only person on the planet to

11:23

love. Only later did I

11:25

realize he stole that from St. Augustine. But

11:28

you know, that is, that's what we're

11:30

talking about here, being profoundly significant. And

11:33

by the way, it's not just saying it

11:35

and knowing it or quoting scripture,

11:38

you know, Romans 8, there's

11:40

therefore now no condemnation for those of us

11:42

in Christ Jesus. We might be able to

11:44

quote that or sing about God's amazing grace

11:47

in these wonderful hymns and all that. We're

11:49

talking about feeling it deep down in

11:51

your bones, letting it resonate in your

11:53

spirit, not just so you can talk

11:55

about it, but you feel it. Well, what you're saying

11:57

is you believe it. That's right. even

12:00

an experience it. That's right. So

12:02

Les, go to number two and three and then we're going

12:04

to come back and do a little

12:07

deeper dive with each one. So here's the

12:09

three of them. Profound significance. Second

12:11

is unswerving authenticity and the third is

12:13

self-giving love. Now the first one has

12:15

to do with relating to God. The

12:18

second is relating to yourself and the

12:20

third is relating to everybody else.

12:22

No, that's good. Well, let's peel it back.

12:26

In the book you mentioned something you observed,

12:28

Gary Smalley, the late Gary Smalley,

12:30

a great friend of all of ours. Absolutely. And

12:33

Greg Smalley and Aaron are on the team here

12:35

at Focus and it's great to have them here

12:37

and all the stories of that family, they're hilarious.

12:40

But you had an observation about something

12:42

Gary did on stage one time that

12:44

proves, I think, the point you're making

12:46

in number one. What happened? Yeah,

12:49

I remember Gary, we were speaking I think in Portland, Oregon

12:51

at the Rose Garden. That's right. Big arena,

12:53

you know. There must have been 7,000 people there. And

12:55

he did something that captured everybody's attention. Yeah, of

12:57

course he's a masterful communicator. Great story.

13:00

And he was just the art of the object

13:02

lesson. Yeah. And so he pulled out, I

13:05

think it was a $50 bill, maybe a $100 bill. And

13:08

he just said, how many of you want this $100

13:10

bill? Well, the place went crazy,

13:12

of course. And some people

13:14

even started to rush the stage. I'm not

13:17

kidding. And these are Christian. He was a

13:19

very good conference for people. The

13:21

shortcut. Yeah, very good. And

13:24

he said, well, of course, everybody wants it. But let

13:26

me do this to it. And he crumpled it

13:28

all up. And

13:30

who wants it now? And everybody said, yeah. And then he

13:32

put it on the floor. And he

13:34

ground it down. He put some dirt on it, you

13:36

know, and stomped on it. Who wants it now? And

13:39

everybody said, yeah, we still want it. And he said,

13:41

why? You still want it

13:43

because it still has value. Right. Right?

13:46

And I can tell you, we have some listeners right

13:48

now that feel like, yeah, you guys

13:51

don't know my story. You don't know what I've

13:53

done. Profound significance for

13:55

me. Mm-mm. Doesn't fly

13:57

for me. And they're just

13:59

like that. currency, they

14:01

still have value when

14:03

maybe somebody says, ah I don't want

14:06

that, look how filthy that is, right?

14:08

And we discount it because of what

14:10

that person might have done. God doesn't

14:12

do that and that's why it's this

14:14

profound significance. Yeah, I mean what's

14:16

so true about significance is this

14:19

is nothing that you can achieve.

14:21

We don't earn it. This is

14:23

why this is a thing full

14:25

of humility. It's a gift we

14:28

receive from God and it's inherent,

14:30

our belovedness. But we have

14:32

to draw near to God in

14:34

order to experience that in our

14:36

soul and once we have that

14:38

true experience that shapes everything about

14:40

how we connect with others. And the

14:42

way to do that is to focus

14:44

on the single most important conversation you

14:47

ever have. You had it this morning,

14:50

you're gonna have it tonight, you're gonna

14:52

have it even while you sleep because this

14:54

conversation is 24-7. It's your

14:56

internal dialogue, it's your self-talk. Imagine

14:59

if before you fell asleep tonight you could pull a little

15:01

computer chip out of the back of your head and

15:04

put it in your laptop and it

15:06

would tabulate all of your self-talk for

15:08

the last 24 hours and it would

15:11

dump it into one of two categories,

15:13

either positive or negative. Which

15:15

of those would be most full for you at the end

15:17

of any given day? If you're like most people, on average

15:19

78% of that self-talk would fall

15:22

into the negative bucket. And we know this

15:24

from research at UCLA, this is an armchair

15:26

psychology, but not the

15:28

person who has a lock on

15:31

their profound significance. But

15:33

that's where it begins, that's that awareness we're talking

15:35

about, tuning into those tapes that we play in

15:37

our head. Yeah, you know the word that it's

15:39

coming to my mind is identity. I

15:42

mean some of that plays into this, that's

15:44

how you form your identity in Christ,

15:46

right? Right, in Christ is the key

15:48

there. You're trying to see yourself from

15:51

that position of identity in Christ.

15:53

Who am I? Who am I?

15:55

The instructor is clear on that.

15:58

Before We move to number two. A little

16:00

more deeper way. And how does a

16:03

person who's the crumpled hundred dollar bill

16:05

maybe the one that's been stamped on.

16:07

In. Your illustration: How do they

16:10

began to reshape their identity

16:12

and their perception of themselves?

16:14

The broken person. I love

16:16

the scripture. he's close to

16:18

the broken hearted rice and

16:20

says as crushed and spirits

16:22

that's the analogy. Yeah, right,

16:24

What is a dig at? The.

16:27

Sort of life work. Things we

16:29

do is begin to move past

16:31

our past right? We have to

16:33

start dealing less. some of the

16:35

unfinished business in our life ends

16:37

and that's really how we begin

16:39

to receive that sense of profound

16:41

significance by letting died gently the

16:43

you know bring to the surface

16:45

are wins and he'll s little

16:47

by little and that that's a

16:49

process. And I love what you said but

16:52

bringing it into awareness because so many times have

16:54

this is one of this the indicators of needing

16:56

to work on this idea of getting healthy. When.

16:59

We take our secrets, we take our

17:01

wounded nurse, we take the things it's

17:03

that really consumers resentments and we hold

17:06

him underneath the surface. Almost like were

17:08

holding a basketball underneath the water. Have

17:10

you ever tried to do that? Hell

17:12

were you. I think I set myself

17:15

in the chin Saturday. Evidently this is

17:17

Sam without. So many of us can

17:19

walk to live with that same emotional

17:21

energy trying to stuff all that they

17:24

down and so when less he says

17:26

get past your pass we have a

17:28

whole chapter. There's there's to Chapter three

17:30

to these things, and the first is

17:33

to you and your self talk and

17:35

the second is getting past your path

17:37

so that person is feeling crumpled. Those

17:39

two things are vitally important are vitally

17:42

important for all of us, but particularly

17:44

that person is feeling unworthy or it

17:46

would gotta get move in the my

17:48

favorite unswerving ways about it. And actually,

17:51

and waiters unwavering rise out as underground

17:53

vainly That sounds like such a modern

17:55

term. I'm sorry, but unswerving way authentic.

17:57

How does vulnerability play and. Too often.

18:00

The City. Ah. Vulnerability is everything

18:02

right? Because when were authentic word

18:04

just comfortable in our own skin

18:06

and again, this takes a measure

18:09

of humility because we're not talking

18:11

about perfection, were talking about just

18:13

honesty and integrity with who we

18:16

are, how God has designed us

18:18

to be. and we're not letting

18:20

I'm ourselves become a reflection of

18:23

everyone else. were tuning in to

18:25

what the spirit is telling us.

18:27

Is are calling like I kept her

18:29

home in terms of had some recommended

18:32

or kills in office struggling with a.

18:34

Proverbial. Disease to please. I know

18:36

what I'm talking about. She was a

18:38

person that was room eggshells thinking that

18:40

the oh maybe if I did this

18:42

thing over here I get so and

18:45

so's attention. Or maybe if I did

18:47

this mom and dad would give me

18:49

their blessing. Maybe I get accepted. This

18:51

group of I made this decision. This

18:53

person has a lock on knowing that

18:55

God has called them to travel this

18:57

path in spite of what he a

18:59

elses. But I mean they call them

19:01

blind spots for reasonable. Yeah so you

19:03

know how how. Do we become more aware

19:05

of our blind spots? Which is where you're

19:08

going to find out more accurately who you

19:10

are. Yeah, there's a treasure trove

19:12

there when you can drop defensiveness

19:14

and just be willing to ask

19:16

for feedback and receive it. It

19:18

takes encourage but we are blind

19:20

spot service. Some common ones, you know? Oh,

19:22

My goodness, Well here I am.

19:24

I'm a train counselor and at

19:26

we've been married you know served

19:28

three plus decades and one day

19:30

less said to me you didn't

19:32

use a good at listening to

19:34

me. And. I thought a professional

19:37

listeners. You

19:39

are so wrong or something. Even

19:41

there a problem as what he

19:43

meant. And as soon as he said it

19:45

I got defensive that over time I started

19:47

pig intention And here's what happened. I realized

19:50

I am so eager with this person who

19:52

I love more than anyone on the planet

19:54

that. You. Would. Set.

19:56

A sunset and. Let

19:59

him. What he thinks and

20:01

feels. I in arrested before his to

20:03

the end and I started telling him

20:05

how he thinks and feel. I have

20:07

seen as not was married now address

20:10

and I say. Okay,

20:13

so. Blind. Spot. I

20:15

thought that was my best straight and

20:17

it was clearly not but it takes

20:19

a dropping him defensiveness and then it

20:22

just melted my heart's in it actually

20:24

gave you patience with me that I

20:26

was aware of that and humbled. And

20:29

that's good that's yells at of okay

20:31

let's get to the last one. That

20:33

last hallmark is self giving love. I

20:37

think that is the demarcation over

20:39

Christian right that ability to love

20:41

another mean everybody has capacity do

20:43

this but to do. In

20:46

Christ is should be deep

20:48

and profound. Yes, Yes, and

20:50

not shallow and complicated. Yes, yes. This

20:52

is where it becomes about other people.

20:55

This is now where we walk the

20:57

road. Through. Health. To.

20:59

The other person. A agenda connected and

21:01

this is where you begin to love

21:03

the life you live, right? Because like,

21:06

it's pretty exciting when you begin to

21:08

give your life away to other people'

21:10

rights. And it's very difficult to do

21:12

that without giving us a lock on

21:14

your profound significance that God loves you

21:16

as if you're the only person on

21:19

the planet to love. and then you

21:21

begin to follow that path it got

21:23

is called you and your profound significance

21:25

in to his coupled with unswerving authenticity.

21:27

And then all the sudden you begin

21:29

to recognize. that other people have needs

21:32

that are always the same page that

21:34

you have you begin to transcend your

21:36

own boundaries to recognize other people's needs

21:38

and in my opinion i think this

21:40

is where you begin to put into

21:42

practice the greatest relationship lesson that has

21:45

ever been taught is the greatest relationships

21:47

sermon that has ever been preached rights

21:49

we call it the sermon on the

21:51

mound right and jesus gave us so

21:53

many radical things in that message but

21:56

the one that stands out to me

21:58

is where he says hey, you want

22:00

to do something that will

22:02

turn your relationships inside out? He said, don't

22:04

just walk the first mile. Everybody

22:06

sees that coming. We do that to clear our

22:09

conscience. He said, walk another

22:11

mile. Nobody's expecting that. See what happens in

22:13

your life. There's defining moments where somebody

22:15

offers you that extra mile moment. Sometimes

22:17

it's small, sometimes it's epic and it

22:20

becomes a defining point of grace. I

22:22

actually had one of these in our

22:24

story because in that season of

22:27

life, when I was a frazzled mom, I

22:29

had so much on my plate and I was

22:31

headed out to run some errands and

22:34

quickly realized my little guy had

22:36

fallen asleep. So I zoomed

22:39

back to the house knowing less was home,

22:42

carefully lifted them out of the car seat so as

22:44

not to wake the sleeper, which is a miracle. And

22:46

that happens, you know, dropped him off at the house,

22:49

hopjacked in my car, just full of

22:51

energy to go get my errands done,

22:53

unencumbered. And as I backed

22:55

out of the garage, there was this

22:57

giant collision and it happened

22:59

that I had left the car door

23:02

open. And as I backed out, the

23:04

car door ripped off the car and

23:06

dismantled our garage door at the same

23:08

time. I was upstairs in my study.

23:10

I thought it was an earthquake. Yeah, it

23:12

was incredible shaking. Yeah. That was

23:15

a big one. In that moment, you

23:17

know, I had not shut the car door

23:19

not to wake the sleeping child, and then

23:21

I created this epic collision. However,

23:24

in that moment, I, you know,

23:26

just everything in me is undone.

23:28

Les walks up to me and

23:30

just wraps his arm. I ran down

23:32

to you because I thought what in the world just

23:35

happened? Maybe you're just grateful I was alive. But

23:37

he didn't say one word. I mean, it

23:39

was the most compromising moment I

23:42

could imagine. Just walked up to me, gave me

23:44

a little kiss and said, Hey, we've been needing

23:46

a new car door. And that

23:48

was it. Never. One other

23:51

comment. Now let me, let me land

23:53

here. Um, someone's been listening and they're

23:55

going, okay, my marriage isn't in a

23:58

good spot. There's something going on. on,

24:00

I've not been able to put my finger on it. I

24:03

don't have a great relationship with my parents,

24:06

my siblings, my friends, whatever

24:08

and they're saying for the first time

24:11

maybe it is me. Maybe there's something

24:13

in me that is causing these broken

24:15

relationships. That actually is a

24:17

good place to start. That's the right

24:19

observation. What would you

24:21

say to that individual who's hearing you

24:23

and going, okay, I catch it, I

24:25

get it, now what? Well, the

24:28

person that's saying that is taking the

24:30

very most important step right there and

24:32

going maybe I'm bringing something to this

24:34

that needs to be corrected, that awareness.

24:36

And rather than feeling shame, it's

24:38

an empowering thing to recognize that

24:41

the best gift I could ever

24:43

give my relationships is to work

24:45

on who I am within them.

24:48

And as I change, the transformation

24:50

isn't a private one. It

24:52

begins to ripple out to every

24:55

bond I build and it's amazing.

24:57

Our relationships are like a mobile that hangs

24:59

from the ceiling. And if you

25:01

change one little piece of that, it

25:03

has to find new equilibrium and new balance.

25:06

And one person, you know, wait, we always

25:08

hear these people, I've tried everything, I can't

25:10

do anything. He needs to change, right? But

25:12

when you work on becoming whole, becoming

25:15

the person that God created you to be,

25:17

it's incredible what happens to the equilibrium in

25:19

that relationship. Because all of a sudden other

25:21

people around you start to go, oh, there's

25:24

new dance steps here. I got to figure

25:26

out this unhealthy way we were behaving that

25:28

doesn't work anymore with her or him. Yeah.

25:30

And it's so good. Lesson,

25:32

Leslie, really strong

25:35

stuff. This is a lifetime effort.

25:37

You guys have talked to so

25:39

many people. You've taught, you've counseled,

25:41

you've spoken at so many large

25:43

events and you put all that

25:45

wisdom into this. And I just hope people are

25:47

catching it today because I know how much effort

25:50

it takes to capture these themes,

25:52

read the word, understand it, apply it to

25:54

the experiences that you've had in counseling. You've

25:56

done a great job. And let

25:58

me turn to the listener or viewer. I mean,

26:00

I can't imagine that you don't know somebody. If

26:03

it's not you that needs some help or your

26:05

spouse, somebody in

26:07

your orbit needs a copy of this book. And

26:09

so often, you know, we say, give a gift

26:11

of any amount. Become a monthly pledger. Just

26:14

a single one-time gift and we'll send it as our

26:16

way of saying thank you, a copy of this great

26:18

book. But also we often say,

26:20

we believe in the content so much that if

26:22

you can't afford it, we're going to trust other

26:24

people. We'll cover the cost of that. So let's

26:27

literally, let's move these books out of focus on

26:29

the family. Don't order from that big online

26:31

company. They just pay it to their shareholders.

26:34

Put it to work here at Focus. When you

26:36

get the copy of the book here at Focus,

26:38

it goes back into saving marriages, saving a baby's

26:40

life. I mean, I don't think the other guys

26:43

are doing that. So why don't you help us

26:45

do ministry together and get a

26:47

copy of Les and Leslie's great book,

26:49

Healthy Me, Healthy Us, today. Donate

26:52

and take our free marriage

26:54

assessment as well. The details are

26:57

in the episode notes or

26:59

call 1-800-The-Letter-A-and-the-Word-Family. On

27:01

behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks

27:03

for joining us today for Focus on the Family.

27:06

I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we

27:08

once more help you and your family thrive

27:10

in Christ. Is

27:16

your marriage holding on by a thread? For

27:19

deep hurt you need deep healing that only

27:21

comes from the Lord. And you'll find it

27:23

at a Focus on the Family Hope Restored

27:25

intensive in Michigan. Our licensed Christian

27:27

counselors will help you and your spouse get to

27:30

the root of your issues in just 3-5 days.

27:33

And it works! 80%

27:35

of the couples are still married 2

27:37

years after attending. Learn more at hoperestored.com

27:39

and talk with a trusted advisor. That's

27:43

hoperestored.com