0:00

Hey there it's Hunter and welcome to a

0:02

throwback Thursday. Most. Thursday's We are

0:04

going to release one of my favorite episodes from

0:06

the archives. So unless you're a long time listener

0:08

of the show, there is a good chance you

0:10

haven't heard this one yet. and even if you

0:13

had, chances are that you are going to get

0:15

something new listening to it this time around. The.

0:18

Child is just regulated. You put them on the

0:20

naughty step. You're not helping them learn to read

0:23

you. As. You just connecting family.

0:25

In. Act. What you're doing is

0:27

you're. Telling your child that their be

0:29

the motions. Or not. Okay, Lucky. You.

0:35

Are listening to the Mindful Mama

0:37

Podcast episode One Hundred Needy for.

0:40

Today. We're talking about. How.

0:42

To handle tantrums with

0:44

Dr. Laura Markham. Welcome

0:50

to the Mindful Parenting Podcast here. It's

0:52

about becoming a less irritable, more joyful

0:54

parent and Mindful Parenting. We know that

0:57

you cannot give what you do not

0:59

have and when you've calm and peace

1:01

within, then you can give it to

1:03

your children. I'm your host, Hunter Parkfields

1:06

I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm

1:08

so they can have strong, connected relationships

1:10

with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness

1:12

for over twenty five years on the

1:15

Creator of the Mind to Parenting course,

1:17

and I'm the author of the international

1:19

bestseller. Raising Good Humans. And now

1:21

Raising Good Humans every day. Fifty

1:24

simple waste as pause. Stay present

1:26

and connect with your kids. Welcome.

1:30

Back to the podcast my friend.

1:32

I am so glad you're here

1:34

and big special welcome if you

1:36

are new to the Mindful Mama

1:38

podcast. I'm. So excited for you

1:41

to listen to this episode because we're

1:43

talking. To. None other than

1:45

Dr. Laura Markham, who's a

1:47

great inspiration to me and

1:49

so many others. She's.

1:51

A founder of Ah Ha Parenting and

1:53

the author of Peaceful Parent Happy Kids

1:55

and Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings. She.

1:58

makes frequent tv and radio perry and

2:01

has been interviewed for thousands of

2:03

articles and publications like the

2:05

Wall Street Journal, the New York Times,

2:08

Real Simple, Redbook, Parents, and more. She

2:11

has been an inspiration to so

2:13

many in this peaceful parenting world, so

2:15

I'm so excited to kind of give

2:17

us, have her give you a little

2:19

bit of a peaceful parenting 101 here. And

2:24

we're going to talk specifically

2:26

about tantrums. You know, you have a

2:28

child, they're starting to defy you and to say no,

2:30

so what do you do? And

2:32

the way we respond in these early

2:34

days really can create a pattern for

2:37

later that can either get more

2:40

and more difficult or easier and easier over

2:42

time. So I'm so

2:44

excited for you to hear the

2:46

fundamentals of peaceful parenting in this,

2:49

in three basic steps.

2:52

So I want you to listen

2:54

for a few takeaways that I had

2:56

talking to her. So thinking

2:59

about the number one question you need

3:01

to ask yourself before you discipline and

3:05

research that explains why, why your

3:07

child's big emotions are so hard

3:09

to handle. And then

3:11

also we're going to have a conversation towards

3:13

the end. So stay through all the way

3:16

to the end because we're going to talk

3:18

about how to get your partner on board

3:20

with your parenting style. Really

3:22

important and vital stuff here. So all right,

3:25

enough, enough with

3:27

the intro. You're dying to get to Dr. Laura.

3:30

Her audio is not amazing in this,

3:32

but stick with it because what she

3:34

says is so amazing. I

3:37

love what she says about partners and

3:39

kids and it's just so deep. So

3:42

join me at the table as I talk

3:44

to Dr. Laura Markham. If

3:46

you're considering getting one of the remaining

3:48

tickets for the April 20th mindful parenting

3:50

retreat day, now is the time to

3:52

do it because we are having a

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BOGO sale. Yes, right now if

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other parents for a day of

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communities and practices and all. Live

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Live podcast. Just his doctoral and

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yet a Willis. You know her

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from episode three, Sixty six and

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get your spot Now.

5:06

That's mine from and

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to finish retreat. Dr.

5:14

Laura Nyro can thank you so much for

5:16

coming on the minds of Mama podcast. Led.

5:19

Led. By sir. I'm.

5:21

So glad you're here and leave! Talked before

5:24

about we had a of an audio problems

5:26

on So glad to have you on again!

5:28

I love your work and I. Love.

5:31

Your bucks and know and what you've. Had.

5:33

Out in the world and I thought today

5:35

will be so helpful to think about. Think.

5:38

About ten of like peaceful parenting. One

5:40

oh one and I I'd love the

5:42

i'm thinking about like you know, if

5:44

you imagine I'm I'm the parent of

5:46

a recently turned two year old and

5:48

there's. All. This conflicting advice of

5:51

their and there's so much pressure have

5:53

a well the his child. So

5:56

what? Should I do when my child

5:58

starts to refuse to do things are

6:00

misbehaves, it's like the big like oh

6:02

my gosh here it is Here it

6:04

comes what we do Now when I'm

6:06

this parents. Will. System

6:09

Lol. At you He said his pressure

6:11

and he does so many different parts. Of what

6:13

you asked that we want to unpack in

6:15

here is the bomb as your for an

6:17

outside. What Is your

6:20

commitment? When. You.

6:23

Decide. You're going to raise a

6:25

child. It's a secret

6:27

commitment. and that commitment is to.

6:29

The. Aisle it's to

6:32

choose to sell irritate

6:34

the child's blossoming. So.

6:36

That the child is able to

6:38

be healthy. Happy.

6:41

Able. To. Contribute positively

6:44

to the world, right? That's a

6:46

in. Our commitment is

6:48

not. Said. Are. Year

6:50

old will always it exhibit. Our

6:53

behavior that the adults around the two year

6:55

old. Who that are like?

6:57

because a solid year old as shown,

7:00

basically a baby and second way even

7:02

if they were twelve. Is.

7:04

Still a child. their. Brain is still maturing.

7:06

They are still learning. And

7:09

how many adults do we know who always

7:11

had said it. Behavior. That

7:13

everyone around them always approves of. I don't

7:15

think very many. Certainly

7:18

an. Older they will

7:20

be. They. Will understand social.

7:22

Norms better a will understand. How

7:26

to do? With. Why

7:28

Responsibility? For their actions and

7:30

how their actions affect others, it will

7:32

become more considerate. Like I

7:34

think green. He.

7:37

Just the idea that. We. Approach

7:39

or two year old from the perspective

7:41

of what random adults in the supermarket

7:43

think. he's such a betrayal. Of

7:46

our actual A commitment. Actual

7:48

commitment. Is. To. Avoid.

7:50

The conditions for our child. To.

7:54

Grow. And riot. And

7:56

that's emotionally. as well as physically

7:58

and we know what, kids. Need. To.

8:00

The A promotional We know there's a lot of

8:02

research on. Cel. John

8:05

Gottman business for most couples researcher at

8:07

United States also because he said he

8:09

couples are so once saw them you

8:11

know they were heavy Btc brought their

8:13

babies into the lab, He saw them

8:15

interact with. Their. Children eat A lot of research

8:17

on it. And

8:19

some time ago now, he published some

8:22

of that in a book about raising

8:24

an emotionally intelligent child. And. One

8:26

of these findings. It's very striking. Is

8:29

that? Most. Americans and easily

8:31

studying American citizen of a training there.

8:33

but it probably applies. You.

8:36

Know too many people a the world's.

8:38

Most. Of us. Are actually uncomfortable

8:41

with our children. And

8:44

were uncomfortable because. We.

8:47

Are we don't want our children to

8:49

be in pain you know suffered for

8:51

to be sacked. Were uncomfortable because other

8:53

people are judging assert witness the think

8:55

they're judging. Us in a supermarket or

8:57

anywhere were uncomfortable the as he. He.

9:00

He. Never learned to be comfortable with our

9:02

own emotions, right? And so. We were

9:05

afraid. At. Having big emotions

9:07

is a sign. This has been wrong

9:09

with our child. Will We're we. Are

9:12

and how to will their shells emotions

9:14

because we learned as children that that

9:16

That's ridiculous and. Pencils, Old When we

9:19

have big emotions, don't you try to manipulate me?

9:21

So. We respond by trying to shut down

9:24

the among since. Trying to extract

9:26

the child. Oh don't worry, we'll get you

9:28

another one. We respond by seen him bleeding

9:30

out. A little scratch like that doesn't hurt

9:32

or that would have sent your brother. He

9:34

would take that in stride. Why you didn't

9:36

so been out of shape about. It

9:38

So there's a lot of ways. Leave. Least.

9:41

A. Motion. That. Are

9:44

not healthy actually. For.

9:46

Or child because the research. At

9:49

John Gottman. I did and

9:51

that many other people have replicated

9:53

use. That when respond to emotions

9:55

with empathy and understanding even while

9:57

we change the chose be here.

10:00

We need read enough needed are not allowed

10:02

check. With everything off the supermarket

10:04

shelf right and throw of the eggs

10:06

on the floor whenever they are. You

10:09

need to vent their behavior that even

10:11

as we guide their behavior, We.

10:13

Accept the emotion. We.

10:16

Understand the emotions. we. Understand.

10:18

The charts quite a few. They're hungry, they're

10:20

tired, they feel disconnected from us, they're angry

10:22

about something the desperately want something to say,

10:24

think it'll make them feel better than the

10:27

we have to say no to set something

10:29

which might be a copy for instance, Oh.

10:32

Miss Lane Eat. Back.

10:35

Up the camera and we take our lord

10:37

hurt your view. of what our

10:39

child actually needs in that moment. In

10:42

order to have the conditions to try. The.

10:44

Conditions are about except. And.

10:48

understanding. And certainly

10:50

guiding the behavior. Like. They're.

10:53

Not about making a child look with a

10:55

message with one in part to the child

10:57

is not. You have to look good at

10:59

all costs. What can a message with apy.

11:01

I. The mess. In a lovely ager

11:04

a message is. I. Understand.

11:07

You're having a hard time right now. I

11:09

can't allows you to can do x y z. And.

11:12

I totally get why you're upset. On

11:15

which me organ if we're going to settle down.

11:17

Or. Of you know I've got your back. We're

11:20

gonna come back and tackle this together. He

11:22

we. Don't family get what you

11:24

get? And p. But. You

11:27

really need. Which. Is a mom or dad?

11:29

Understand. And supports you

11:31

since you. No. Matter what, Fan.

11:34

Of like him. Stay

11:40

tuned for more mindful mother had cast right

11:42

after this fake. you

11:47

know some healthy skepticism the my life

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has served me well and if you're

11:51

like that if you can spot a

11:53

too good to be true help her

11:55

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11:57

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whether that's having a learning disability,

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some combination of all of the

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above is perceived and experienced so

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differently wired kids and the parents

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like us raising them can truly

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thrive. On the Tilt Parenting

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therapists, educators and parenting experts who are

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for advocating and so many thoughtful insights

14:02

on what it really takes to help

14:04

our kids grow up, feeling scene and

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respected so they can create awesome lives

14:09

for themselves. I. Know that raising

14:11

a differently wired kid can feel

14:13

overwhelming and isolating. But I promise

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you you are not alone and

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it can feel so much better

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if you're on this parenting journey.

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Timeless and until Parenting Together we

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can shift this paradigm and so

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up for exceptional Kids with Hope

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possibility. Enjoy! Moon.

14:31

I love that! So basically. New.

14:33

Parents step back, you know, can sit

14:35

back and look out what is what

14:37

is. Take a step at the big

14:40

picture right? We're kind of so in

14:42

the weeds. Were. So in I

14:44

just need to get to sooth on

14:46

to give the do or that it's

14:48

It's hard to step back and take

14:50

a moment to look at the big

14:53

picture. so maybe it's your listener. We

14:55

can do that now. Like what? what

14:57

is our that meant to our child

14:59

that's really really beautiful. But then to

15:01

play devil's advocate? What about that. That.

15:03

Parent who needs to get these

15:06

darn shoes on because they need

15:08

to get to work because their

15:10

livelihood depends on it. So there's

15:12

really, literally, you know, threat. To.

15:14

The livelihood when when the child is

15:16

refusing are of behavior like that. So

15:19

what what might you say to her

15:21

apparent in that situation? Yeah.

15:24

I. Would say that sarah all these

15:26

tools that you can use within the

15:28

general clinch exley just our. And

15:31

there's preventive maintenance you can. Do that as

15:33

a child is more likely to cooperate or

15:35

the time. And. Even in that

15:37

moment, There. Are is. A whole range of

15:39

it or me. In. That moment.

15:42

Euclid. If you you're trying to for

15:44

swap you're trying to get to work he tried. To

15:46

get out the door, the kid refuses to broaden your shoes. He.

15:48

Saw you take a deep breath as

15:50

you know. That. Your child's.

15:53

Windex. Distant their emotional system.

15:55

Is. Taking it's keys from the As. It

15:58

should. Be. Illegal. It's

16:00

an emergency. The child will

16:02

very quickly escalate in their

16:04

panic, right? If they're digging

16:06

in their heels, if they're being defiant with you at

16:08

this moment, that's fight, flight, or freeze. They're already in

16:11

a panic. And if you go

16:13

into a panic too, you know, you just jumped

16:15

off the cliff with them, right? So

16:17

your job at that moment is to

16:19

take a deep breath and calm down because then your

16:22

child's limbic

16:24

system is taking excuse from you and

16:27

it resonates with you much much of the time.

16:30

As you take a deep breath and you slow

16:33

down, what's the our impulse when our child

16:35

gets revved

16:37

up and difficult is

16:39

that we get revved up too

16:42

in trying to control that you

16:44

cannot control another person. The

16:47

tool at that moment when your child is upset,

16:49

whether it's in the morning before school

16:51

or in the grocery store is to

16:53

slow down. Don't speed up, slow

16:55

down. You slow down. You

16:57

bring yourself fully present. Children

17:00

follow present, just like an adult's

17:02

do, more so. Children follow

17:04

present. You bring yourself fully present. You

17:06

take that deep breath. You

17:09

look at your child and

17:11

you connect. So the very,

17:14

so peaceful parenting, what I teach, it's only got

17:16

three parts. First, you self-regulate.

17:19

And that's, it's a lifetime work, but

17:21

it is the

17:23

bottom line of everything we do in life. We are

17:26

always monitoring our own well-being

17:29

and bringing ourselves into more presence. So

17:31

that's self-regulation. The second thing we do

17:33

is connect. You can't control your

17:35

child. All of your employees

17:37

comes from the connection. So you're connecting.

17:42

We can look at what that looks like with this

17:44

toddler that morning. And the third thing

17:47

is you approach the child as

17:49

opposed to trying to control them. You're not

17:51

using rewards and punishment. You're not threatening

17:53

them. It's just the natural thing that

17:56

comes out of control when we're trying to control their behavior.

17:58

You put your shoes on right now. where you

18:01

won't get to watch your show later or

18:03

you won't get to, we won't, you know,

18:06

go forever. You

18:09

come up with some threat that you're using

18:11

your child to behave or, you know,

18:13

breathing your voice. So those are

18:15

the three parts of Peaceful Care, Self-Recurricular

18:17

Connect, Coach. And the coaching

18:19

is to help them with their

18:22

emotions. In that moment, you take,

18:24

you've shifted yourself to be as

18:26

present as you can even though you're worried

18:28

about getting to your meeting and your boss

18:30

at that moment and you connect with each

18:32

other and say, you don't want these

18:34

shoes on. That's how we connect. The

18:37

first thing you do is you state what the other person is trying

18:39

to tell you. You don't want these

18:41

shoes on, huh? Yeah. That's how

18:43

it works. Like that, I see

18:45

you, I hear you moment, right? Like I

18:47

see what's going on with you. And

18:51

at that moment, you suddenly the door opens

18:53

to connection that you've created. Suddenly,

18:56

you have an opportunity to

18:59

influence your child. So you

19:01

have to assess at that moment. It's an

19:04

art form. It's not a, not a science. What's

19:06

going on with your child? Maybe,

19:08

maybe they don't want to go out

19:11

the door and get dropped off at daycare so you can go

19:13

to work. They don't, they, you had a lovely morning

19:15

and they don't want to accept. Maybe

19:17

you've had a very hard morning and you've raised

19:19

your voice all morning and they're just mad at

19:22

you and defiant, right? And they're going to resist

19:24

you at every turn. Maybe it has nothing

19:26

to do with you. Maybe it's because

19:29

they were allowed once they're

19:31

dressed to watch a screen and they're

19:33

trying to take them, you're trying to

19:35

take them away from the screen. And

19:37

the last thing they want to do is because humans

19:40

are addicted to screens because that's the nature

19:42

of screens and humans, right? They don't want

19:44

to leave that screen. Maybe

19:46

they're just feeling like you're rushing them and

19:48

they weren't, you know, because you're in a

19:51

hurry for your meeting and you were running

19:53

a little late. So

19:55

they're, they're anxious about

19:57

that. Maybe your partner's out of

19:59

town. And you've

20:01

been harried and your child is feeling

20:03

that and so they're already feeling a little

20:06

out of service. Couldn't be any number of things.

20:08

Maybe they're two and every, as

20:10

the studies show, every, you know, third word out of

20:12

their mouth is no, right? Whatever it is. Well,

20:17

you really don't want to put these shoes on. Your

20:21

child looks at you and

20:23

then you, they soften just slightly because you

20:25

just soften. And then you see whether you have

20:27

an opening. Now, if

20:30

you generally have a good relationship with

20:32

your child and you

20:34

can sort of reclaim that

20:36

connection through humor, that's almost

20:39

always the best way in. So you might have

20:42

the shoe in your hand as you say that

20:44

and then you might make a sneaky

20:46

voice as you pull the shoe up and

20:48

the shoe is dancing and you're dancing and you're saying,

20:52

and let's say your child's name is Jacob and

20:56

you and where were you and you

20:58

say to the shoe, where are you going? Jacob in the shoes

21:00

says, you're and you pretend you're

21:02

putting the shoe on Jacob's ear and

21:04

Jacob says, no, no, no, you're on

21:07

my foot and then you know, the shoes are on the

21:09

feet. That's that you're done and you grab

21:12

your, your briefcase or your backpack and you

21:14

grab your kid and you're out the door, you know,

21:16

and you're done. And it's and you make

21:18

it fun the whole way to the car where the shoes are

21:20

still talking and you say, you know, or to the

21:22

subway, wherever you're going, you know, which

21:24

way we go now shoes. You

21:26

show Jacob's feet where you go. Do we and

21:29

to the shoes climb up or does Jacob why,

21:31

you know, you just do the whole, the

21:34

shoes are talking the whole way and Jacob's just

21:36

had a lovely start to his day because children

21:39

love to play. It is their work. It is

21:41

the way they approach the world and

21:44

he probably can't resist an invitation to

21:46

play actually as long as he's not tried

21:48

of sorts. Now, that does

21:51

always work. Let's say you

21:53

try it and Jacob says, no, and he kicks

21:55

the shoe across the room. At

21:57

that point, you should remain Even if it were

21:59

the middle of life. I mean I

22:01

would it on my side dishes. put them

22:03

in the back at for the child that

22:05

you're bringing to the daycare waiver. And.

22:08

Put on my back. And say

22:10

you are having such a hard. When.

22:13

He is not claim the way. You want in a

22:16

really. Don't want the ship as I put this

22:18

in back Say. Let's. Put those, she's

22:20

away so you don't have to put them on now. When.

22:22

We wish is what would you decide as you pick

22:24

your tell that you're getting a total control of the

22:26

shoes at not control of your. Morning and getting to

22:28

work on. Your. Picking them up your your

22:30

sixty you want to put issue him about that? Or

22:32

do you think we should put it. You.

22:34

Know where are you know in

22:37

my billie want to. Risk.

22:39

As she could forget. it might be evil. Whatever you

22:41

see, get married at. The. Point is,

22:43

you're getting your chosen control. Uniform That

22:45

issue of an accent. And and that

22:47

would you like? Sorry that I would probably not

22:49

let him carried into the thirty to throw them

22:51

across the yard. you know, so. But you're getting

22:54

them controlled. Something and you're you're moving to the

22:56

card the same to. Your. Child is

22:58

probably not gonna resist the proceed. Because Something

23:00

and eighty, Just Ten. Years. Divnich

23:02

had control of the since you're not playing

23:05

with them. Well as a

23:07

child money to listen to me. she's years. I

23:09

don't want the she. Is she's busy and and

23:11

I I said the tell doesn't have to get

23:13

everything they want. They. Do have

23:15

Guess it's hard to understand. And.

23:17

Sometimes it does mean that you're saying to shove

23:19

you really don't want these on You want to

23:22

choose when to pull your she saw. People

23:24

with them on. Now you could put them on. We get a date

23:26

or what do you think? And the child

23:28

site daycare costs know on the right my most

23:30

of the dishes on right now. And.

23:32

So. You're You're buckling him

23:34

in insane. Won't miss

23:37

Cynthia estate. Dirty Tricks

23:39

and. Think. It's. Great.

23:41

When you come so her you complete your says on

23:43

your. So she ever see it with Emma? Or maybe

23:45

she sees it everyday that. I've who knows but

23:48

whatever you say something about on the cynthia's

23:50

that to be very excited to entrepreneurship is.

23:52

And. Your buckling him in. and you're driving

23:54

a car and you're singing his favorite saw with

23:56

him and you get out of the cards say

23:58

do on the subject years You want to put

24:00

them on now before you go in so you

24:02

could run with the other kids right away You

24:04

know, whatever it is, you're giving him a choice

24:06

now Does it really matter that he went out in

24:09

his socks into a cold car? He's not gonna get frostbite,

24:11

right? You should got heat in your car Parents

24:15

just assume that the

24:17

child has to obey them or something terrible is

24:19

gonna happen in

24:21

fact Obedience is not what you

24:23

want You want the child to

24:25

dust the right thing based on their own your

24:27

compass? And often you do

24:29

need a child to do what you say at the

24:32

Malise say you need a child if they're on their

24:34

Little scooter going down a city sidewalk, which you know,

24:37

I live in New York City So I see this

24:39

all the time you need that child to stop

24:41

at the end of the block No questions asked.

24:43

There's you know a taxi cab hurtling down the street

24:46

but those if you

24:50

Are judicious about what's important

24:52

and what's not and you give them choices about

24:55

the things that don't actually matter like getting those

24:57

Shoes on before they get in the car Then

25:00

your child is much more likely to Say

25:04

yeah, this is a serious thing mom and dad mean it when

25:06

they say I stopped at the end of three if I don't

25:08

I have to get off the scooter I can't ride the scooter

25:10

for the rest of the day, you know,

25:12

and there's nothing punitive about it It's just it was

25:14

too hard for you to stop. It's just too dangerous It's

25:17

can't ride scooters and and you know, I

25:19

see three-year-olds on scooters Oh, you know

25:22

on but you but you can't ride a scooter

25:24

until you pinch you can handle

25:27

it which means you always stop at the end of the

25:29

street and then you crouch down at them and you say

25:31

see these cars By by they would need and see they're

25:34

too high up. You cannot go in the street without me

25:36

No matter what so if you can stop your scooter at

25:38

the end of the block That

25:40

without without me telling you then you can ride

25:42

a scooter. Otherwise, you can't we'll try

25:44

again to her, you know So again, nothing

25:46

punitive. It's just these this is the structure.

25:49

It's are like it's bedtime now or it

25:51

now we're leaving for work They don't get

25:53

choices about those things, but there's

25:55

nothing wrong with giving him a choice about

25:57

what to put those shoes on The

26:00

your highlighting something that oh I

26:02

wish I had no learned better.

26:04

When my kids were younger I

26:06

remember. Feeling. Very worried about the

26:09

jacket in winter and a scene and

26:11

with no at the bus stop and things

26:13

like that like I it's about the

26:15

jacket at the bus and I remember feeling

26:17

you know like I need to get

26:19

this check in on my child. You know

26:21

in in in my brain kind of

26:23

subconsciously was always like otherwise I'm like not

26:26

a very good parent if I can even

26:28

get a jacket on my child right?

26:30

But if I could go back in time

26:32

I would tell my younger selves that

26:34

it doesn't matter that much that I could

26:37

just. Bring. The jacket

26:39

with me and hold it under my

26:41

arms. Like about that? lesson. Didn't.

26:43

Need to be learned in that. The

26:46

civic way in that specific. Moment.

26:48

You know, like a court. You know

26:50

this was the. The. Moment in

26:52

my brain know it the with such

26:54

a great example of natural consequences like

26:56

say that tell their goes out the

26:59

door and main in the winter with

27:01

those is under your aches you know

27:03

Mommy I need my shoes there's I

27:05

saw the crowd you know I mean

27:07

that such a great example of of.

27:09

Letting. Go of some control. Letting.

27:12

Your child has son autonomy.

27:15

And. You. Know forget what

27:17

the neighbors thinks. It bad

27:19

doesn't matter that much. That. Does

27:21

matter that much the you explain that so

27:24

so beautifully. Laura, thank you very much. I.

27:26

Really appreciate. That. Good.

27:30

A place to be t So you know when

27:32

you say that less and doesn't have to be

27:34

learned in that way that moment when even is

27:36

the lesser were trying to teach. I

27:38

think it's more about our own

27:40

self image. I'm. A good mom

27:43

therefore I of course can get the

27:45

jacket and on my toddler. right?

27:47

But. That's that's a lesson for a

27:49

child. That's a question to ask. Our.

27:52

Houses. Or what does it actually need to be

27:54

the best? More likely than not, he does not

27:56

mean get into a fight with our another. And.

28:00

That's been a great mom so so

28:02

it. It certainly does it mean worry

28:04

about. With the neighbors think are the people

28:06

of us I shall. I do think that's the

28:09

question is like what is the lesson at that

28:11

morning of are trying to get the kid out

28:13

of the house and go to the buster is

28:15

the lesson is about the inner compass. Ship.

28:18

At. We want arch. Looking

28:21

at a strong in a compass. It

28:23

tells them. How.

28:27

They didn't guides their actions, that guides

28:29

and in there in choosing your actions.

28:32

And it needs to come from their sense. And

28:35

at this or a level at a party level. Of

28:38

white he is. right?

28:40

And what they need and how to

28:42

keep their bodies safe. That.

28:44

They don't. Always know who.

28:47

They don't know that not brushing your teeth as

28:49

any. get them a cavity and you know that's

28:51

why. Those are the things we learned that are

28:53

more intellectual like bacon, How much they're cold and

28:55

if you turn it into a power struggle, they

28:57

want to answer that. Yeah, I

28:59

did you. Just a matter of fact, it's

29:01

like okay when you're ready. Your

29:03

political and you're right. Maybe save money.

29:05

I'd be my shoes. Yeah.

29:08

Yeah. It definitely. There's so much. You.

29:11

Know we don't wanna admit it there, but

29:13

there's so much ego. They're right. There is

29:15

the so much about the sense of self

29:18

and self, identity, who we are as a

29:20

person and and what is. What?

29:22

Does this mean and I think I there's

29:24

also it probably comes from a lot of

29:26

fear, right? Like fear that. Fear.

29:29

Though we're not doing a good saw. Brave!

29:31

Fear. That word you know we're not

29:34

enough for not doing a good job

29:36

So therefore like fear of drives us

29:38

to wunderlich control things right so therefore

29:40

will want to control our kids. This

29:43

is this idea and you said a

29:45

number of times you can't control your

29:47

kids he weekend control. You know ourselves,

29:50

we can control the situation weekend on.

29:53

And. Of there can be. Became. control

29:55

the that environment but we we can't control

29:57

or kids and that's a really hard lesson

29:59

to learn But we can't control our kids,

30:02

right? I think when before people have

30:04

children, they have this fantasy of what it's going

30:06

to be like and how they're going

30:08

to have a perfectly behaved

30:10

kid because they're going to be that parent

30:12

who somehow does that. And

30:14

in fact, they, you wouldn't want, you

30:17

wouldn't want to control. If

30:19

you could control your child, you would have

30:21

broken their will and you would be raising

30:24

someone who would need you next to them

30:26

for the rest of their lives in order to get

30:29

choices. That's not

30:31

true. Yeah.

30:34

Yeah. So you say, so

30:36

you talk about punishments, shaming

30:38

and blaming that these are not,

30:41

let's just dive in a little bit

30:43

more to that. Why are, why is

30:45

punishment not something that

30:47

you recommend even timeouts, right? And

30:50

that is true. So the reason

30:52

I don't recommend it is the research and

30:55

the research is pretty clear

30:57

that when children are

30:59

punished for something, they

31:02

be because of worse behavior.

31:06

And I think we can easily understand.

31:08

I mean, that may seem contradictor or not

31:10

contradictor. It may seem shocking until

31:12

you think about yourself as a human. So

31:14

you're an adult, you're human. Let's

31:16

say you go to work and your

31:19

boss says to you, you didn't handle this

31:21

correctly with his client. So we're punishing you.

31:23

We're going to, you know, uh,

31:26

dock your pay. You would

31:28

be like, what? We're going to

31:30

give you an electric shock. Oh my God. That would

31:32

be Barbados. I use a place

31:34

where, where do you, you receive a

31:36

physical punishment, but let's say you receive

31:38

some or other punishment. Even

31:40

let's say an emotional punishment. You're shamed in

31:42

front of everyone else at the staff. Did

31:45

those things make or, or let's say your boss raises

31:48

their voice and yells at you.

31:50

Either in front of people or not in front of people by your, by

31:52

in their office, along with you. Did any

31:55

other things make you want to do a better

31:57

job? You know, let's say you,

31:59

something that you. could have done a better job

32:01

with. The report was turned in a day late, whatever it

32:03

was. Does it

32:05

make you want to get that next report in on time?

32:08

Well, maybe, because you

32:10

don't want to suffer the consequence. Does it make

32:12

you do a better job with the next report?

32:14

Does it make you feel good about yourself in

32:16

that workplace, want to be your best self? No,

32:20

you're looking for another job to get out there as

32:22

soon as you can. Well, your child can't

32:24

get another job in the end. They're

32:26

home with you. They cannot

32:28

go to another family. Like, it's not

32:30

making them want to be their kid to

32:32

get yelled at or to be shamed

32:36

or humiliated or

32:38

to be physically punished,

32:41

you know, spanked, slapped.

32:44

To have you

32:46

purposely hurt them emotionally

32:49

by taking away something that is important

32:51

to them, for instance, a drill or,

32:54

you know, combining

32:57

them. A timeout is

32:59

basically isolation. You cut them

33:01

off from contact with you. That

33:03

is the description of a timeout. That's what it was

33:06

created to be. It's

33:08

called Timeout from Reinforcement.

33:10

And it was developed as a way

33:12

for parents to market their children. And

33:15

because parents didn't know how to motion coach and

33:17

handle the kids' emotions, so they would

33:19

end up hurting the child physically. And

33:22

the pediatricians in the country all got together and

33:24

said, okay, we're going to do something different. We're

33:27

going to stop people from hitting their kids. It

33:29

often escalates because it does escalate. When you hit

33:31

a child, you have to then cut the ante

33:33

and hit the more next. You

33:36

have to keep increasing your money. So pediatricians

33:39

said, okay, we're not going to do that. We're going to

33:41

have the child and the parents separate so the parents can

33:43

calm down and the child can calm down. And

33:46

that's what they said. It's like a great thing. And

33:49

if you need to calm down so you don't smack

33:51

your child, great. Move

33:53

away. Go take a timeout yourself. That's a

33:55

great use of timeout. A timeout for your

33:57

child will keep them on the naughty side.

34:00

step means that your child

34:02

is being isolated from

34:04

your connection

34:07

with you. And kids need young

34:09

children and you're not doing timeouts

34:11

with a 12-year-old so it's young

34:13

children, need to be in connection

34:15

with you to self-regulate. Self-your child

34:18

is dysregulated. You put them on the

34:20

naughty step. You're not helping them learn

34:22

to regulate because you're disconnecting from

34:24

you. In fact, what

34:26

you're doing is you're telling

34:28

your child that their big emotions are not

34:30

okay with you and are shameful

34:34

and until they can swallow

34:37

those emotions and stuff though, you

34:39

will not relate to them. Now parents might say,

34:41

no, I'm just asking him to regulate the emotion

34:44

and talk to me in a reasonable sort of voice and

34:46

they can get off the naughty step. But

34:49

what does that really mean? Because those

34:51

big emotions that child is having, he's

34:53

angry. He's angry at something. An example

34:57

from one of my clients that I often use and

34:59

I speak is the child who knocked

35:02

down the tower his brother was

35:04

building because his brother took his favorite block and

35:07

he tried everything he could think of to get the block back,

35:10

feeding with a brother or whatever and the little brother wouldn't give

35:12

him the block back. And he knocked down the, he

35:14

pushed the blocks down onto the other kid and

35:16

the other kid was, of course, his crew. The

35:18

children were sobbing because the blocks had just come down

35:20

in his face and he's hurt and he saw them. And

35:24

one mother has a choice at

35:26

this moment or they can

35:28

go over and they can do what

35:30

most parents would do, which is scream at the kid who

35:33

knocked the blocks down. And

35:36

drag him to the naughty step. And what do you think that

35:38

kid is thinking of? Oh,

35:41

I want to be a better kid. It's

35:44

time I'm going to have to

35:47

think about feelings more responsibly. Sure.

35:52

Thank you. All my brothers' faults, always my

35:54

brothers' faults. My parents always came to his

35:56

side. I hate him. I hate them. No

35:58

one here understands. This is the reason

36:01

you have a chip on the shoulder. And

36:03

if you have older children, you're listening to this. You

36:05

may recognize what I'm talking about, where sometimes

36:08

there's a chip on the shoulder from the older child to

36:10

the young daughter, where no matter what,

36:12

they're just angry at the younger child. And

36:15

it comes from handling things in that kind of a way,

36:17

where we take the old, you know, of course

36:19

you have to protect your younger child and

36:21

older children. But when

36:24

we handle things so we're automatically blaming,

36:27

even a child who did the wrong thing, like this kid clearly

36:29

did the wrong thing, not the block Sam and his brother. Even

36:33

when that's the case, when we step

36:35

in and we're blaming

36:37

and shaming and punishing, we're

36:40

creating more sibling rivalry and that creates

36:42

that chip on the shoulder. Now imagine,

36:44

because this is an answer in your question about time now, imagine

36:47

that instead of that, you just

36:49

took care of the kid as a kid who's wailing

36:51

the two-year-old. You ignore the other

36:53

kid because you can't really deal with him in a muddied

36:57

way at the moment. Just ignore it. You're

37:00

picking up your toddler out of the mess of the blocks

37:02

and you're saying, oh, ouch, it looks

37:04

like he got hurt. Am

37:06

I supposed to scare you when those blocks

37:08

came down? Yes, I see he's pointing to his

37:11

knee and it hurt your knee. There were blocks

37:13

on your knee and they hurt, oh, somebody kissed

37:15

that. Let's still get a nice, and

37:19

you're shifting yourself out of a venging model

37:23

to, you know, nurturing, which

37:26

is good. Because then once you

37:28

get your toddler set up to play with his trainer or

37:30

his truck or whatever he needs across the world, you can

37:32

go back to the kid who did the hurting and

37:35

you sit down and he's saying,

37:39

wow, that was hard,

37:42

her. And he

37:44

puts it suspiciously. You're

37:46

connecting, you're connecting.

37:48

That's the first thing. And you're saying, your

37:52

brother was crying. Those

37:54

blocks got scared of, huh? He

37:57

must have been pretty upset to knock the tower down.

38:01

Now, if he trusts you, he

38:03

might already begin to tell you why he was upset.

38:06

Of course I was upset. He took my favorite block.

38:08

He wouldn't give it back. I tried everything. Most

38:10

of the time, if you're listening to this, you haven't tried

38:12

this before. So the first time you

38:14

try, your kid's going to be totally suspicious of you. Why

38:17

are you not dragging me to the naughty step? Why are you

38:19

not screaming at me? Right? So they're not going

38:21

to just open up. You're going

38:23

to have to really go overboard with your

38:25

empathy. I think I should have been so upset. But

38:29

it seems like you really wanted

38:31

something and something you didn't know

38:33

what to do. Is that what

38:35

happened? And then

38:37

the blocks came down. Is that because

38:39

you knocked the tower down because you were so upset?

38:42

Notice my tone of voice is completely not

38:44

judgmental. I'm trying to understand. And

38:47

at some point, your child is going to start to cheer up a

38:49

little bit. And he's going to tell you all

38:51

the terrible things that caused him to do this egregious

38:53

thing. And you're going to acknowledge it.

38:57

Now, if you're listening to this, you're thinking, you have to

38:59

be up to know he can't knock the blocks down on his

39:02

brother. Of course, he doesn't know

39:04

that. But he didn't choose

39:06

to do the right thing. So we need

39:08

to speak to the part of him that didn't choose it. That's

39:10

the part we'll bother him. He knows that, oh, we're

39:13

going to go back to the rule. Don't worry. But

39:16

we're starting from where he is. That's

39:18

the only way to get it. And

39:21

what happens after he has told

39:23

you all this, the

39:26

ways his brother was so terrible, and

39:28

this is the only choice he had.

39:31

And at that point, it's after you said, oh,

39:33

my goodness. Don't wonder you were so upset. And

39:36

then you tried that and it didn't work. And then he would trade it.

39:39

No wonder you were so upset. Saying, oh,

39:41

that's your special block, isn't it? And

39:44

you didn't know what to do except to knock his tower down.

39:49

And then what happened? And he looks at me and says,

39:53

the tower fell down. Like, you know, I knocked

39:55

it down. And you say, yeah. People's

40:00

cry. You have to

40:02

be able to spread it. You're

40:04

not shaming me. Can

40:08

you repeat yourself Laura? I didn't hear that

40:10

last part. Your voice is so softening. As

40:12

you're talking to your child, right? Yeah,

40:14

your voice is softening. A little word

40:16

in. You know,

40:18

you're saying. Yeah. You're

40:22

not shaming me. You're not bringing me. You're

40:24

just describing what happened. You were so

40:26

mad. You

40:29

were so upset. You knocked the tower down and it

40:31

all fell down. It was a loud crash. I

40:34

know you weren't trying to hurt him. You were

40:36

just trying to get your block back. Right?

40:40

And then he was crying and crying. He

40:42

must have felt terrible. I know you

40:44

love your brother and often you two have so much

40:46

fun together. And when he was crying,

40:49

you must have been upset. But

40:51

you didn't know what else to do. Is that right? He's

40:54

like, yeah. That's right. And then he gets it. And by now he's

40:56

in your lap. And you're holding him and you're

40:59

hugging him. You're

41:01

saying. You're saying, you know, what

41:03

or what? You just never hurt him.

41:06

You've hurt other people. And

41:09

if I was, could you do that? And

41:12

by now he's willing to brainstorm with you. Yeah,

41:14

I guess I could have called you. You know, or I

41:16

could have trained with him or whatever. He's

41:19

crying. And then you say. And

41:22

the two year old would not have had the ability

41:25

to sit through this. This is more like a four

41:27

year old. You could do this. But people often say

41:29

to me, my child won't sit through that kind of

41:31

conversation. You know, of course they won't if they think

41:33

it's a lecture. But it isn't when you're doing it.

41:37

You're understanding. Every child is hungry

41:40

for understanding. Every human. When

41:42

you're telling a friend all your problems and

41:44

all the details of it, you're not in

41:47

a hurry for that conversation. And you may feel like, oh my

41:49

God, I have to get the conversation back to her. We're

41:51

dwelling on me too much. But

41:54

your four year old is not doing that. They're like, yes, she understands. They

41:57

are not having a hard time sitting through this conversation.

42:00

that you understood. And at that point when you

42:02

say, what else could you do? It's pretty short.

42:05

And then you're saying, you

42:08

know, your brother loves you so much

42:10

and he looks up to you, because you're

42:12

the big brother and

42:14

it hurt his feeling and

42:16

his body and it scared him with those blocks. I

42:20

wonder what you could do to make

42:22

things better with him to

42:24

help him feel better. What could you do? And

42:27

that's the repair part of the equation. And

42:30

this is what ends it, you

42:32

know, wouldn't it be an amazing role if

42:35

every child learned when

42:37

they were very young that

42:39

they could repair the things they do

42:41

wrong. And not only that, but that

42:43

repair takes work and they don't want things to

42:45

go wrong. They'd rather up front,

42:47

not do those things. Instead,

42:50

what we're teaching our children with time

42:52

outs and consequences and all kinds of

42:54

punishment is when

42:57

you do something wrong, you

43:00

will, parents, your parents will intentionally hurt

43:02

you either physically or emotionally. That's

43:06

what it is. So of course you're trying not

43:08

to have your parents live out about the things of the

43:10

law, but you're not seeing that cost to

43:12

your brother of what you did wrong, right?

43:15

You're just trying to save your own skin. So

43:17

when mom's out of the room, you'll pinch your

43:19

brother because you're at it, right?

43:22

And mom comes back in the room and she's

43:24

like, what happened? Oh, I don't know why the

43:26

baby's crying. You know, remember watching

43:28

my nephew when his mom was out of the room and

43:30

he didn't know I could see him hinching his brother and

43:33

then his mom came running back in the room. And

43:38

he's like, I don't know when I started crying mommy.

43:40

But when the child is trying

43:45

to avoid punishment, as opposed to when the

43:47

child was trying to redeem

43:50

themselves, we all want redemption for

43:52

the things that we do wrong.

43:54

And children can learn very early on

43:57

how to make those repairs and

43:59

also that they don't. Stay

44:06

tuned for more Mindful Mama Podcast right

44:08

after this break. When

44:13

it comes to raising kids, there's so much to

44:15

consider. Things like, what do we feed them? When

44:17

do we feed them? How do

44:19

they sleep? What does it look like

44:21

to raise kind kids? How does their

44:23

nervous system work? How do I keep

44:25

myself calm? What are my triggers? There's

44:27

so much that comes into play and

44:29

we are distilling all of that information

44:31

for you at Voices of Your Village

44:34

podcast where we bring experts in the

44:36

field of early childhood and education and

44:38

psychology and across the board so that

44:40

you don't have to comb the internet

44:42

for information. You get to show

44:44

up and hang out and have

44:46

shame-free, judgment-free conversations and insights into

44:48

what it looks like to raise

44:51

kind, empathetic, emotionally intelligent humans. I'm

44:53

Alyssa Blask Campbell of a master's

44:55

degree in early childhood education. I'm

44:57

a mom of two and I

44:59

am walking this journey right alongside

45:02

you doing this work. Come hang

45:04

out with me at Voices of

45:06

Your Village and we can dive

45:08

into real conversations with actionable

45:10

tips. Are

45:13

you overwhelmed by the things that get in the way

45:15

of you doing what you want to do? Are

45:18

you looking for ways to simplify life to

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better align with your values? You

45:23

want to create space in your schedule so you have room

45:25

for more of the good stuff —

45:27

play, joy, relationships, gratitude, and

45:29

more? If you answered yes

45:31

to any of these questions, I invite you to

45:33

check out Edit Your Life, a podcast to help

45:36

you edit the unnecessary from your life so you have

45:38

more room to enjoy the awesome. Through

45:40

episodes with me, Kristine Ko, and

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a range of super-smart, compassionate, and

45:44

thoughtful guests, you'll come away with

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big picture insights and practical ways to

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declutter your home, schedule, and mental space

45:50

without getting bogged down by perfection. I

45:53

have always believed that small moments in

45:56

actions matter tremendously. My goal is

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to help you find agency and space in your life. in

46:00

your life through doable baby steps that will

46:02

leave you feeling accomplished instead of overwhelmed. Check

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out Edit Your Life wherever you enjoy your

46:07

podcasts. Yeah,

46:10

that in itself, that whole experience in itself

46:13

doesn't feel very good, you know, but

46:15

I love this, this

46:17

approach of coaching rather

46:20

than controlling because this is really what we

46:22

need to do, right? We need to be

46:24

coaching our kids to be able to do

46:26

all of this themselves. Have you

46:28

seen with kids who, with parents who have

46:30

raised their children this way, kids who are

46:33

older? Now, my

46:35

assumption is that over

46:37

time, things get easier

46:39

if you have a child who has

46:42

learned how to self-regulate,

46:44

who has an intrinsic

46:47

motivation to, you know, behave well

46:49

in the family and take care

46:51

of people in the family, resolve

46:54

conflicts rather than kind of a

46:56

reward and punishment. Have you

46:58

seen if that becomes easier over

47:00

time? It totally

47:02

becomes easier over time. So

47:05

my children who are now 27 and 23, never had a

47:08

time out. We never, I'm

47:10

not saying that they didn't do things when they

47:13

were little that other people might have given them

47:15

a time out for, but I'm

47:17

saying that because they didn't, because

47:19

they had the kind of interventions

47:22

that I'm describing, they

47:25

made better and better choices as

47:28

they got older, right? I'm thinking of one

47:31

time when my daughter, it

47:35

was, okay,

47:37

it was the, it was

47:39

several weeks after the World Trade Center came

47:42

down and she was at a

47:44

friend's house and her, this is her best friend and

47:46

the mother brought her home. The mother was clearly

47:48

livid and she dropped my daughter off. She

47:52

said, Alice, my daughter, hit

47:55

her daughter, or used her daughter's name. And

47:57

I said, really? It looks bad in her. You

48:00

know what's going on? She said

48:02

yes she here. I

48:05

don't remember what she said, it's just clearly gary angry

48:07

as he would be sure to tilt his head. And.

48:10

With. Anti Thought Ausmus or said

48:12

it matter mother The Scott. What's

48:14

special? Is

48:17

is sad. Friend.

48:21

Was. Acting. So.

48:23

Little weird she was acting like

48:25

herself. It will end. It

48:28

really scared me. And

48:30

I realize. Their house. It didn't take

48:33

that one as. A parents France.

48:35

Was a firefighter who thought. His. Wife.

48:38

And. Their houses and for

48:40

people and daughter was traumatized

48:42

by this experience of have.

48:45

Any of us in your for traumatized at the time. But

48:48

that I'm this daughter was close to

48:50

what was going on. He

48:52

knew the.on her of their family the father

48:54

She was traumatized. She was. Scared and

48:56

she she somehow in her

48:58

playtime with my daughter had

49:00

been unable to to cope are

49:03

function or whatever. And my daughter

49:05

have been very scared by the way she. Was

49:07

acting of hadn't watched it. On.

49:09

Had actually get her trying to get responses. Try to

49:12

get her didn't respond. I'm. Not

49:14

was at the right thing for my daughter to

49:16

do know like she was six years old. he

49:18

didn't know what to do. And.

49:21

In a bigger than like it. Remember.

49:24

Typically. And. Voice.

49:27

Scares been a sad and never sell it out

49:30

there to culture. And.

49:32

So she did something that was

49:34

irresponsible. It the think

49:36

that getting for a timeout would have

49:38

me. Parents are scared and and children

49:40

here I did it said Gary A.

49:43

Fighting. And a senior at that

49:45

moment would have helped her which are

49:48

fear punishing makes get more afraid right?

49:50

Instead she stable torturing what was going

49:52

on. And. I

49:54

think that when kids have that

49:57

kind of. A.

49:59

Big from one. emotional intelligence, they're

50:02

able to understand what's going on with

50:04

their emotions, more readily, and they don't

50:06

need to act on those emotions. I

50:09

would say that, you know,

50:11

my son once said, my son actually never hit anyone.

50:13

And I remember asking them, and

50:16

they were, I

50:18

remember this one because I have an upload list that

50:21

I wrote at the time. He was 16

50:23

and she was 12. She

50:26

may have been 14 and he was 18. At any rate, they were by

50:28

then much older. And

50:31

I asked them how they hit a large to

50:34

behave when they had never been much.

50:38

And I

50:40

said, they were totally puzzled. I

50:42

said, well, you know, like how'd you learn not to hit people?

50:45

And she said, well, mom, you can't go around hitting people in

50:47

our society. You know,

50:49

you get locked up in jail. Every

50:51

word is thought to hit people. The question isn't do you learn

50:53

not to hit people, it's do you learn not to hit them

50:56

because you're afraid you'll get in trouble. Or

50:58

do you learn not to hit them because it hurts the other person?

51:01

Which is in fact the

51:03

basic question of moral development.

51:06

And in fact, the

51:09

reason why punishment sabotages

51:11

moral development. It's kids who are

51:13

punished, their moral development is actually

51:15

behind. It's not as advanced, but the same

51:17

age kids were not punished. For example, that

51:19

reason, moral development is about caring

51:21

about the impact of your actions. And if

51:24

you're punished, you don't care about the impact of your actions. You

51:26

only care about not getting them. My

51:28

second answer was, oh, mom,

51:30

I remember wanting to hit people, especially her

51:32

pointing to his sister. But

51:34

I took her loop and you

51:37

would always understand, I never needed

51:39

to do it. And

51:42

that's how we're

51:44

hoping to deal with emotion. When we

51:46

have more awareness of the emotions that drive

51:48

our behavior, when the child has more awareness

51:51

of the emotions that drive their behavior, they

51:53

don't have to act on them. There's

51:56

more mindfulness. There's more aware of it. And

51:59

then... Because I mean what is

52:01

mindfulness? It's noticing what you're

52:04

feeling Outtaking

52:07

most the trouble may take action. We're

52:10

actually unconscious We're not even noticing what

52:12

really we're just lashing out or you

52:14

know raising our voice or Running

52:17

from something emotionally or opening a refrigerator

52:19

friendship to run from something, you know,

52:21

ie, you know, so stopping down

52:23

the feeling. Mm-hmm So

52:26

when children are shamed for their emotions

52:28

or punished they have to stuff those feelings

52:30

But they can't be consciously aware they have

52:32

to cut off their conscious awareness So

52:35

in a way they can't be mindful

52:38

those up those emotions aren't conscious if they

52:40

can't live Whereas you

52:42

know once emotions are cut off once

52:44

we've stuffed them They're out of our

52:46

conscious conscious mind isn't controlling them.

52:48

They're just in the body, right? And

52:50

they might make us anxious that's where

52:52

anxiety comes from anxiety is

52:54

the is an overactive alarm

52:57

system and Like the

52:59

amygdala says oh, there's an emergency and it could

53:01

be about things outside us like I'm scared of

53:03

dogs or scared of elevators or

53:07

often it's things inside

53:09

I have a vague sense of dread or unease and

53:13

What is that? Those

53:15

are emotions that we have cut off awareness.

53:17

They were carrying around. I say it's in

53:19

the emotional backpack But there's no

53:21

backpack. It's the body. So we're more

53:24

caring about them those emotions We

53:26

can't control that. They're not conscious

53:29

Whereas when we raise children to

53:32

accept their emotions and to

53:34

talk about their emotions And

53:37

to express their emotions safely And

53:40

they learn that emotions don't have to be stopped.

53:43

They may still have big emotions. My daughter still has

53:45

big emotions She's 23. Why

53:48

she doesn't act on them. She doesn't get me

53:50

buddy and she doesn't even lash

53:53

In fact, she's one of the most She

53:56

her equilibrium is astonishing

53:58

to me her her ability you

54:00

know, compared to, and this has been true

54:02

ever since she was maybe 12, that I've

54:05

noticed through the teen years and the college

54:07

years that she's the one who's talking and

54:09

came off the cliff. She's the one who

54:11

can take a role when

54:13

there's a problem of calming everybody

54:15

down and helping people work things

54:18

out. Because even though she was

54:20

born with big emotions, she was the kind of

54:22

young, when she was a toddler, people said things

54:24

to me like, she's a spicy one and I

54:26

think it's taking time. But

54:28

a year later, she's a teeny. You

54:30

know, she was a volatile talk, right? Big

54:33

emotions. But because she was parroted

54:35

this way, she learned to manage

54:37

them. So even very strong love kids with

54:39

very big emotions, when they're parroted this way,

54:42

may become more able to manage their emotions.

54:44

And that means that they're making

54:47

wiser choices. Because when we make

54:49

bad choices, as adults or as

54:51

children, it's always out of some

54:53

unmet needs, frustrated emotions, or

54:56

unconscious emotions that we

54:58

really can't control because they're not under

55:00

our conscious control. Yes,

55:04

amen. And that all of course,

55:07

points back to the work

55:09

of the parent to maybe

55:12

re-parent ourselves into taking

55:14

care of our own emotions and things like that. It

55:16

was interesting, I was thinking about as

55:19

you spoke of dealing with

55:21

like the toddler aggression,

55:23

the siblings and going to the

55:25

sibling who's hurt and comforting the

55:27

siblings of hurt and who

55:30

is hurt, that has the dual aspect

55:32

of like you said, you know, talked

55:34

about shifting into that nurturing mind. And

55:36

it really also has a, it's also

55:38

shifting your brain out of threat

55:41

response, out of that stress response in

55:44

accessing your prefrontal cortex, right? You're the

55:46

later evolved part of your brain. And

55:48

so it's actually giving you time to

55:51

do that too, which is so beautifully

55:53

in the repair and all this. And

55:55

I love this about moral development is

55:58

caring about the impact of our actions.

56:01

My only everything

56:04

is a big amen for me. Laura,

56:06

you say it so beautifully. So

56:09

my only worry is like for the parent

56:11

who says yes, yes, yes to all of

56:13

this but has a partner who

56:15

doesn't agree and wants to yell and

56:17

use punishment. Do you have any, you

56:20

know, brief words of advice for that

56:22

situation? Well,

56:25

I think there's nothing brief

56:27

about it. It would be a whole

56:30

other podcast. I thought I would

56:34

say start

56:36

always by regulating yourself

56:39

and reconnecting and

56:41

acknowledging what your partner

56:44

is saying. So an example

56:46

would be I

56:49

hear you, you're really worried that

56:52

he hurt his brother and I

56:54

completely agree we need to protect

56:57

all of our children, all of our children and

56:59

I am in total agreement with

57:02

you. We need to make sure that

57:04

that's our priority. We're parents. We have

57:06

to protect our children. My

57:09

question is what's the best way for him to

57:11

learn? And so then,

57:14

then, then, you know, obviously it's a larger

57:16

discussion with your partner. You're not having one

57:18

discussion, right? It's the kind of thing that you're

57:20

going to talk about over time. So

57:23

much of our learning about how to be parents comes out of

57:25

the way we were parenting. So

57:27

one question I want to be asking my partner

57:29

in that instance would be I

57:32

wonder what would have happened to you if

57:34

you had knocked the blocks down and

57:36

you might hear, you know,

57:39

you know, whip with an inch of

57:42

my life. You might hear, oh they

57:46

always love my brother Ben or anyway, or you

57:48

might hear, oh my parents just let us, you

57:51

know, get on with it, right? And

57:54

my brother was the one who knocked the blocks out of me and I

57:56

always got hurt. You know, people always have their

57:58

baggage, right? It's their own stuff. from

58:00

their own childhood and whatever

58:02

your partner says in response

58:04

would be very useful because

58:07

if your

58:11

partner was punished in the child, there are

58:13

a lot of hurt feelings there. Most people

58:15

cover up those hurt feelings. Most people say, oh

58:18

well I needed that. I'm a Muslim Italian

58:21

and it's a way to justify that the

58:23

people you loved most in the world

58:25

you depended on were hurt.

58:29

So you justify, you say I needed to be. I

58:32

needed a firm hand or I would have been told now. Because

58:36

the research shows that absolutely

58:38

every child needs guidance. When

58:41

we ignore our children's behavior, when we make excuses

58:43

for it, when we let them do whatever they

58:45

want, when we let them ride rock shot or

58:47

brother people, including us, that's

58:50

for a good show to the child for sure. And

58:55

when we crack down with punishment, that

58:57

doesn't help them. So

58:59

it's a much longer discussion but I

59:01

think starting with your partner with empathy

59:04

and trying to understand what baggage

59:06

they're bringing to it and what

59:08

they really need. What would have been ideal for

59:11

your speaking to your partner now? What

59:14

would you like it for your father to have

59:16

done in that situation to be the one and

59:19

you got the belt or you got whatever? What

59:21

would you like your parents to do? What

59:24

would have been ideal? What

59:28

words did

59:30

you need to hear from her that would have helped you want

59:32

to be there? I think

59:35

that's a beginning when you talk

59:37

with your partner. I would

59:39

always bring the research in as well. Those

59:42

are incredible questions. I love those.

59:44

What's the best way for him to learn

59:46

and what would have happened to you? Laura,

59:49

I could pick

59:51

your brain with this incredible wisdom

59:53

that you have for hours. But

59:55

I want to, of course, be

59:57

mindful of your time. I

1:00:00

just want to wrap up by

1:00:03

saying thank you for what you're doing. Thank

1:00:06

you for your books, peaceful, parent.

1:00:09

Happy siblings is amazing. All of your books are

1:00:11

amazing. The work you've

1:00:13

done in the world is so helpful for so

1:00:15

many. Where

1:00:17

can people find out more about you and connect with

1:00:19

you? My website is

1:00:22

aha, guarantee.com, A-H-A, like

1:00:24

aha moment. And

1:00:29

my books are in every bookstore. I'm on Amazon. If

1:00:31

they aren't in a bookstore or in a live career

1:00:33

that you'd like to go to, just request them. Libraries

1:00:36

usually tell me they have a long waiting list for the

1:00:38

books. I

1:00:42

have an online course that takes these

1:00:44

ideas deeper. And it's sort of

1:00:47

like a bootcamp for 12 weeks that I

1:00:49

offer three times a year. I

1:00:51

say a bootcamp, you're doing it at your own pace

1:00:53

in a way. But totally, you can

1:00:55

take as long as you want to complete it because you

1:00:57

have lifetime access. But it helps

1:01:00

you take these ideas because there

1:01:02

are things we usually hear and it's not how most

1:01:04

of us were raised. So most of us need a

1:01:06

little extra support to be able to put these

1:01:08

ideas into effect. There are now.

1:01:11

Thank you so much, Laura. I really appreciate

1:01:14

your time. Thank you so much for coming

1:01:16

on the podcast today. Thank

1:01:26

you so much for listening. Dr. Laura,

1:01:29

her audio wasn't great. She

1:01:31

is so wise and just

1:01:33

so kind and so compassionate.

1:01:35

I love that vital

1:01:38

information. Your partner on board

1:01:40

with your parenting style. Thank

1:01:42

you. Thank you so much for listening. I'm wishing you

1:01:44

a peaceful week and I hope to see you

1:01:47

next soon in that live

1:01:49

training. Thank you.

1:01:53

Yes. Wishing you all all

1:01:55

the joy, all the attention, you know, for

1:01:57

the joy, right? Sometimes the joy happens a

1:01:59

week. These things happen, they're just

1:02:01

distracted, right? So let's be

1:02:04

there for it. Let's be touching for it. All

1:02:06

right, take care my friends. Namaste. I

1:02:19

say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It

1:02:21

will change your face with

1:02:23

a better, it will help you communicate

1:02:25

better. And just I say communicate better

1:02:27

as a person, as a wife, as

1:02:29

a spouse. It's been really a positive

1:02:31

influence in our lives. So tell me

1:02:33

your answer. I definitely

1:02:36

do it. I wish

1:02:38

that my money really is

1:02:40

inconsequential when you get so much

1:02:42

benefit from being a better parent to

1:02:45

new children and feeling like you're connecting more

1:02:47

with them and not feeling like you're

1:02:49

yelling all the time or you're like, why

1:02:51

is it all working? I would

1:02:54

say definitely do it as close,

1:02:56

but it will change it. No

1:02:58

matter what age someone's child is,

1:03:00

it's a great opportunity for personal

1:03:02

growth and a degree in physical development.

1:03:04

I'm very thankful I have this. You

1:03:07

can continue in your old

1:03:09

habits that aren't working or

1:03:11

you can learn from the

1:03:13

tools and be able

1:03:15

to change everything in your

1:03:18

parenting. Are

1:03:23

you frustrated by parenting? Do you

1:03:25

listen to the experts and try all

1:03:27

the tips and strategies, but you're just

1:03:29

not seeing the results that you want?

1:03:32

Or are you lost as to where to

1:03:34

start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with

1:03:37

too much to learn? Are

1:03:39

you yearning for community people who get

1:03:41

it, who also don't want to threaten

1:03:43

and punish degree of cooperation?

1:03:47

Hi, I'm Hunter Clarkfield and if you

1:03:49

answered yes to any of these questions,

1:03:51

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1:03:53

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1:04:00

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1:04:03

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1:04:08

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1:04:11

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It will translate into lasting,

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1:04:19

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1:04:33

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1:04:45

I'm Margaret. And I'm Amy. And together

1:04:48

we host the podcast, What Fresh Hell? Laughing

1:04:50

in the Face of Motherhood. Margaret, I would

1:04:52

say you're sort of a where are my

1:04:54

keys kind of mom. Correct. Sometimes a where

1:04:56

are my kids kind of mom. Well,

1:04:58

you're Amy more of a we were supposed to leave

1:05:00

35 seconds ago mom. I

1:05:03

mean, touche. In each episode of What

1:05:05

Fresh Hell? we come at a topic

1:05:07

from our usually completely opposite perspectives. I

1:05:09

bring the research and I bring kind

1:05:11

of the gimlet eye. Like, is that

1:05:13

research really going to work people? And

1:05:16

almost 10 million downloads later, we're still

1:05:18

laughing. We also talk to experts in

1:05:20

the parenting field, plus parents with stories

1:05:22

we can all learn from. We make

1:05:24

each other laugh. We challenge each other's

1:05:26

assumptions and we have what we think

1:05:28

is the best parenting community on the

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internet. Check out What Fresh Hell? Laughing

1:05:32

in the Face of Motherhood wherever

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you listen to podcasts.