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1:00

you probably know by now my

1:02

mother and i spend quality time together

1:05

on sundays but that isn't a

1:07

new tradition

1:08

the my early years every sunday

1:10

morning she'd come into my room at seven

1:13

am to wake me up such it

1:15

the service catholic mass

1:18

i'd , on a sweater and slacks

1:20

black and white stroud right saddle shoes

1:23

and zombie my way down the hall and

1:25

out the door door minutes later

1:27

we'd pull up to holy to know

1:29

i was always slow going by

1:32

the time we got to the door a church i'd

1:34

be excited about taking part in ah the rituals

1:37

the holy water the gin you selecting

1:39

before sliding into another wouldn't pews

1:41

another shaking hands wouldn't recent seasons

1:43

one of the first since the kneeling

1:45

and my five minutes of independence when

1:47

my mother ventured down mother center

1:50

aisle with her hands ready to receive

1:52

way for in wine as body and blood

1:58

the i got older

1:59

he died

2:01

oh

2:02

what is exciting is going to church

2:04

with my family down south with acquires

2:06

would stomp a whole and of loss and when

2:09

everyone called the spirit would be sending

2:11

people it's enthusiastic convulsants

2:13

and the preacher with sweat to his suit and

2:15

robe scream in a minute the top

2:17

of his lungs loud enough to be heard

2:20

in heaven you know so

2:22

i got old enough to notice my brother

2:24

never had to go my ,

2:26

neither neither i had

2:28

to go to sunday school which i hated

2:31

because monday tuesday wednesday thursday

2:33

and friday school was already enough

2:36

so eventually just don't wanna

2:38

go no more

2:41

but i had to because my mother

2:43

make

3:06

i'm jason reynolds and this

3:08

is my mother made me a

3:10

podcast from radioed so be it presents

3:13

about some other things my mom has

3:15

taught me about nice in

3:18

a big part of that teaching was in the belief

3:20

in a higher power

3:22

the new one little didn't think for yourselves that was

3:25

playing my job to introduce you

3:27

to what i felt was something that you

3:29

can fall back on as this that never

3:32

so to be clear she made

3:34

me go to church to

3:36

see did

3:37

you tell your own opinion and

3:39

then as now because i'm on a lot of raises

3:42

miles and he don't believe in nevada this meant

3:44

nothing on another note miles

3:46

same with you and everybody else

3:49

and , says that you have to believe in jesus

3:51

christ our says you should believe

3:53

in a high power is something head and knew

3:56

that something greater than you than

3:58

same thing

4:06

a world of thing my mom's taught me the

4:10

has to be one of the greatest he

4:13

was raised in a church and change

4:15

the nominations as she got older and

4:18

also study lots of other ways to feel

4:20

connected so she was completely

4:22

open mind it when it came to this fast

4:25

idea around a higher power i

4:27

remember telling her i want to go to church

4:30

no more than i had questions

4:32

about judgment in punishments

4:34

questions about who gets to go

4:36

to heaven in who does perhaps

4:39

, felt comfortable saying this to her because

4:41

of our relationship or perhaps

4:43

it was because she told me the stories

4:45

about how see had some of these same

4:48

questions when she was when she girl

4:50

and her response was simply okay

4:53

you don't have to and our support

4:56

and help you navigate whatever path you

4:58

feel the right path for you just

5:01

remember that higher power

5:07

couldn't be much older than twelve thirteen

5:10

and when i think back now and that conversation

5:12

that conversation eases it on the understanding

5:15

and respect she showed me i recognize

5:17

that moment that only as an act of love

5:19

but also an act of courage a

5:22

courage see a tribute to her

5:24

own mother

5:25

the little girl my mother's

5:27

womb idol i adore my

5:29

mother strong woman brave

5:32

woman very courageous stand

5:34

up to any by black whites in married

5:36

or pretty was local

5:41

i don't have lots of memories in my

5:43

grandmother but a few i do have

5:45

of her daisy bell former was

5:48

barely she was affectionately codes

5:50

are indeed of her being

5:57

the drought anything that oh

5:59

i admire that

5:59

that you could get on a track their job trapped

6:03

in , can hardly arousal told my

6:05

mother was sick and tired of the city daughter

6:07

so she girl robes for years

6:10

of family family

6:12

, a thought it out

6:14

thought to out to

6:16

senate bill

6:18

that under the statistics are certain

6:22

to be willing sacrifice blood sweat

6:25

to use my family to have sweat to comfortable

6:27

pleased with the

6:29

you know it

6:31

requires vision and the discernment to

6:33

know there's more than one way to do

6:35

everything and every have the ability

6:38

to try new methods and build new things

6:40

even if it requires us to be introduced

6:43

a new parts of ourselves

6:47

my mother news so it modeled

6:50

by her mother to her allowing

6:52

me space from church and also

6:54

introducing me to her spaces outside

6:56

the church was her way of building

6:58

a cadillac toilet for me the

7:01

place for me to sit and rest and

7:04

the around

7:05

yes even a place where we bonded

7:08

safe in the shelter built by an emotional

7:11

hammer a nail

7:13

this bar the an unbreakable

7:15

from the beginning the matter of fact

7:17

one of the spaces disband was spoken

7:19

about besides the car and a kitchen table

7:22

was on the couch in the office of a

7:24

woman named reverend diane

7:26

gorka

7:31

you know a reverend band wasn't my

7:33

mother's minister in that way she

7:36

, my mother's psychic

7:39

psychic my mother had been seeing psychic

7:41

since he was in her early twenties another

7:43

part of her spiritual exploration

7:47

and according to mama when i came

7:49

along oh her release

7:51

changed

7:55

you could never read me without picking you up

7:58

i never had the air base

7:59

the about you because she says

8:02

as you death comes into

8:05

to the reading and it's

8:07

because of our spirits that we are

8:09

so

8:11

closely connected

8:13

because we've been together

8:16

and so many

8:19

and she said this would be

8:23

the night life and that we would be good

8:25

that that's what she told me i never forget

8:28

that makes me sad i can see you get

8:30

you will see me again

8:34

they are a lot of things their forms

8:37

bond between me and my mom our

8:39

, to communicate honestly with one

8:41

another our desired always

8:44

makes you as makes you our senses of humor

8:47

with friends the reality that

8:50

there's no way around it see white

8:52

man but in is a good chance i'll end up like

8:54

winners some day there's

8:57

something else something else between

8:59

as that's been kind of glue something

9:02

, that binds us in a way i actually

9:04

don't think either of us us

9:08

attacked honest

9:11

my own

9:15

was early on saturday morning when i drove

9:17

up to baltimore to see i'm intending

9:20

to take them the breakfast and reminisce over french

9:22

toast and coffee i ,

9:24

them about this podcast and and

9:26

he always says yes to me the

9:28

said yes to being interviewed which

9:31

was a big deal because they were close

9:33

there are certain things my brother don't like to talk

9:35

much about though he knows

9:37

he can trust me they are wounds i

9:40

know not to pick a products

9:42

are ya city and definitely not for public

9:45

consumption when the less

9:47

i was honored great for you would open

9:49

up to me

9:52

they've been about six months since we last each

9:54

other and we were so eager to catch up we

9:56

never even made it to the rest

9:59

the

9:59

car

10:00

the parking lot outside as a park talked

10:06

the remember me and you

10:08

were were six i

10:10

got one either eight or man how

10:14

and earnest reynolds the second named

10:16

after our father who refuse to make

10:19

him a junior young ,

10:21

into our family big out

10:23

to his friends you can ask

10:25

anyone who knows him and they'll say

10:27

he's the kindest most gentle

10:30

kindest compassionate man in aware

10:33

now

10:34

but when you with the gate he was none

10:36

of those things natsumi nuts

10:38

our mother

10:39

c

10:41

one was his stepson but when

10:43

or acknowledged steps in our family unless

10:45

we talk about steps forward a son

10:47

is a son a mother a mother

10:50

so when when into her life as he

10:52

came into his she did the best

10:54

she could to give him the love he need

10:57

love he deserved the first

10:59

man army why

11:01

, knows his use a nice person

11:04

person doing you know when he said he email was dinner

11:07

a to marry her was like what about

11:09

roma yeah

11:12

how is my the in our father were

11:14

never marry

11:16

as a matter of fact they never even

11:18

really dated but whenever

11:20

interaction they'd had brought

11:22

forth a child the little boy

11:24

our father would eventually gain sole

11:27

custody of emily sammy

11:29

, talk to me me was confused

11:32

cover you i was like oh my god sakes

11:34

the way for mom for and

11:36

he was like well was know your

11:39

mother you figure use to

11:41

met him ready he says he knows

11:44

his can says camps good discipline does

11:47

he was a wealth of yellow the first

11:49

time i miss daisy the buy time a tour

11:52

so this year the

11:54

me is bad or bad motive saying this

11:57

effect the

12:00

thing about our my these see

12:02

, and smart and open

12:05

and all that sure but back

12:07

then she was tough tough

12:09

, only

12:11

problem was seated really know how

12:14

to best discipline island because he was

12:17

different different

12:19

in a way that we didn't have language was

12:22

in but we do now nero

12:24

divergent

12:26

prominent

12:27

in a host of other things that have

12:29

we just had the information could have

12:31

helped as understands what mom wasn't

12:34

clinton in allens use is

12:37

this a spoken key a ,

12:39

boy boy spent most of his

12:41

young life drawing pictures of monsters

12:44

reading comic books and playing with playing

12:47

he was bullied in school betrayed

12:49

by his friends dealt bad hand

12:51

after bad hand because of

12:53

that he's had social anxiety

12:56

dating all the way back to middle school

12:59

these had to carry that the majority of

13:01

his life you get some

13:03

the middle school the amount of bullying

13:05

begins

13:06

remember the first time the member

13:08

like well what what was it in the first

13:11

time as guy came and me as

13:14

he , me right now they have been playing

13:16

a for us and them is it negates

13:19

somewhere or me some money les

13:21

miles up man sitting there

13:23

are some evil are coming jimmy

13:25

money money i guess gay

13:27

solace were a stall door i door he

13:30

will like what i did a lot short run a house will

13:32

money i go i would go to him so

13:34

that he would leave he alone of

13:36

them me my after wow other people start picking

13:39

women did you have women did no

13:42

no i was afraid at the from

13:45

you know and trust run him like are so

13:47

i didn't know a discrepancy

13:49

muscle african lava pay them off them leave

13:52

me alone

13:53

though they never really left him alone

13:55

the bullying will continue over the way too

13:57

high school he did this

14:00

over holes to climb into home

14:02

to either protect him or help

14:04

him disappear them safe

14:07

like the woods he'd run around and whenever he'd

14:09

skipped school which is pretty much every

14:11

day in those woods he

14:13

could be the king of his own world he

14:15

didn't dig at bugs and crustaceans

14:18

and for a few hours a day peace

14:21

that they were also or the holes

14:23

that weren't so safe holes

14:25

that were deeper than he needed and darker

14:28

than he expected whos found

14:31

under the capsule bottles and cheap wine

14:33

our mother kept stopped in our home by

14:37

my brother had his first seabed thirteen

14:39

enough to numb him and he

14:42

continued attack the spirits moving

14:44

on to vodka and jin filling

14:46

the battles with water so our mother wouldn't

14:49

find out enough to almost

14:51

killer that there

14:54

was one whole he was never

14:56

came out a whole that

14:58

felt both deep and dark but also

15:00

safe and warm and that's

15:02

the whole of himself the

15:04

when he never had to run to and

15:06

never had to leave the whole

15:09

they could become

15:11

as

15:14

a kid this kind of concern made

15:17

me wonder if he'd ever be able to make it in the

15:19

world but , i realize

15:21

that even though i may want more for him

15:24

he's been making it just and

15:29

i'm proud of my brother he

15:31

just don't bad you know this

15:33

as work as a custodian in his weekend

15:35

movie dates the dark quite theater

15:38

his personal public save space with

15:40

his girlfriend's is pretty much

15:42

soon in his apartment

15:45

the have not traveled to another state

15:47

since our family trips as children he

15:49

has not been to a party maybe ever

15:52

he has been to one concert which answer

15:55

them two years ago was wasn't

15:57

the most pleasant experience too many people

15:59

he rarely interacts with members of our

16:02

extended family and for years

16:04

has even excused himself during

16:06

holiday dinners to eat alone nuts

16:08

because he did a lovers he does but

16:10

because he's more comfortable by himself they

16:13

don't have a more this for as long

16:15

as i can remember you've been terrified

16:18

of fly

16:24

you

16:26

know who else has a fear of flying

16:29

monday

16:30

if she has to flatter get this seeing

16:33

their the matter fact

16:35

of first thing i did when i started

16:37

making a little money was gonna take

16:39

your on a trip because see has this fascination

16:42

with the wonders of the world when

16:44

it was time the media having to couldn't

16:46

bring herself to get on a plane and

16:49

i'm not knocking to i've had my own

16:51

anxieties with fly it's ,

16:53

strange to see her struggle with it because

16:56

for so much of my childhood she

16:58

was flying around the country for work stuff

17:00

bringing me back souvenirs from her travels

17:03

now having grown having bit more cautious

17:05

that she's gotten older her souvenir

17:07

collection comes from her regular visits

17:10

we can call them vacations

17:12

to costco wonder

17:14

if she'd fly there if she adds i

17:18

bet she would

17:20

what are now turn

17:22

it on of authority of authority

17:24

fortunately for her chino

17:27

have to his , again

17:29

again occasionally my mom and i break free

17:31

from our house and go run go this

17:34

was one of was days the

17:38

thing about running errands with my

17:40

mother is that everything and i

17:42

do mean everything she needs she

17:44

gets from one place and one place

17:47

out remember

17:52

there are so right near like

17:56

every member yourself on a some

17:58

sweat an obscene and dysentery

17:59

it about you gonna oh cool

18:02

, sweating sweating

18:04

i'm sure you figured out by now we're

18:07

in no jumbo jet know we

18:10

are in her old photo which

18:12

is all we need to get us to the country

18:14

of cosco cosco island

18:17

gonna have island passport again and and everything

18:39

he's catching me up or family drama

18:41

about siblings and cousins is

18:43

always so much that addition

18:46

whenever we're on our way to the land of

18:48

too much

19:12

you

19:18

play

19:20

good at my i thought that of

19:22

tales that to happen to agree with is

19:24

it that way as well as well as he did

19:26

you depressed or task of as

19:28

go with them into a human

19:31

so maybe it's not a vacation

19:34

maybe it's therapy

19:36

what is it about casco

19:39

that makes that's the case

19:41

because it's so much to look at

19:44

she and you just take your mind off

19:46

of your districts

19:49

what on earth stretch of urine

19:53

that's when your mask doing everything

19:55

stripe them

19:59

for

20:02

me this house do it was

20:05

, rena hundred up fairly

20:07

got christmas survive

20:09

the the hands of for only want one

20:19

i grew up when you

20:25

this is my

20:27

own one was is more suited this worse

20:31

we want want

20:35

i don't want the one on how things are never getting want

20:37

to get , on to

20:39

just laugh

20:44

we're happy for ya know

20:47

, didn't didn't a very rich very

20:49

on this is exactly this happens

20:55

now that's where my friends like does he proceeded

20:57

a modest now we reached an age with reached

21:00

, stuff

21:04

no over there

21:08

was

21:10

that favorite thing you

21:15

know they make this model

21:23

and my mother not pay for

21:25

stuff

21:30

the case a ginger tea thousand

21:32

laundry detergent pads a big back

21:34

to those delicious airplane cookies we

21:36

head toward the door passing

21:38

casco strange makes

21:41

his

21:42

i was younger people

21:45

were in ohio

21:49

i'm

21:51

however

21:53

i do you know how those moments where they remember

21:59

our

21:59

they don't funny

22:02

, the and as far as i know a

22:05

had a hot dog and year's eve year

22:07

after year cookout after cookouts

22:09

stag his plate with everything

22:12

but ah dot and do

22:14

something i'm notice it's something we've

22:16

talked about the matter of fact

22:18

i can remember the exact moment

22:20

he swore moss the day my

22:22

mother found out about his drinking in we'd

22:25

had hotdogs for dinner let's

22:27

to say he was sick in

22:30

his room's mail like hot dogs for

22:32

days when i think about

22:35

that night sometimes alas and wonder

22:37

if we do what we are doing we get to drop

22:39

bargain we die

22:41

the reprieve in of the almighty to get mad

22:43

at is he would never drink again even

22:46

though he never even went to church baghdad

22:49

what you think my never make you go to church would

22:51

have asked him about his back

22:53

in the car i had to go to church every

22:55

sunday and you know adam when a you and

22:57

it oh no com a

23:00

, we used to go sometimes

23:02

i'll i'll born me i

23:04

don't care too much lab and gimme

23:07

bring our member it was born

23:09

on the cameras the had

23:12

you feel about died

23:14

these days they do you have any sort of belief

23:17

in india this in yeah really

23:19

yeah had did did yeah back then a

23:22

didn't read i then math didn't

23:24

read why i'm serious

23:27

math this amount of frame first

23:29

numbers and in frame more

23:31

amount but on a new pray you

23:33

know things happen in a

23:35

on or it has to be a higher power

23:39

or believe in there are really believe that the

23:41

higher power am thinking

23:43

of things happen for emotional really

23:45

believe weaver

23:50

there will be more is this the

23:52

urge to be more as be more there

23:56

has to be and of toll member

23:58

that i think he's probably

24:00

closer to whatever that higher power is

24:02

the most of us because he's been

24:05

through so much is made him more of a compassionate

24:07

empathetic person's he didn't never

24:09

call someone stupid or ugly i

24:12

mean this do can even heard insects

24:16

in a something about that that

24:19

the connected to whatever the hype always

24:21

ray like maybe something else

24:24

i feel like the higher power that exists of around

24:26

us in his power that maybe exists within

24:28

us which actually

24:30

lead with his last question is like

24:33

are we want to put a week

24:35

what are we go in a

24:37

few months ago and as me if

24:39

i could see him to porto rico

24:43

actually my mother told me or one of our trips

24:45

to casco that's he talked to her about

24:47

it admittedly i believe

24:49

in and told her i'd wait and see if he mentioned

24:51

it to me

24:52

they needed

24:54

tommy he wanted to know what it was like to

24:56

be on an island but when i told

24:58

him he had to have to have id which he

25:00

didn't have the time he told me

25:02

he'd get that sorted out and get right back to

25:04

me want to be

25:06

honest about not believing he

25:08

followed through also

25:11

want to be honest about how elated i was

25:13

he did

25:15

yeah second half of

25:18

them on some of the got my be

25:20

you gotta i gotta does gotta does

25:22

we don't we go okay we

25:24

gotta get that most friday

25:27

when as thin as don't have didn't

25:29

of course i couldn't wait

25:31

to tell our mother

25:33

the next day which happened to be sunday

25:35

i blogged or about it is

25:38

only as mcguinness as litmus

25:40

you know

25:41

you said you were going to puerto rico

25:44

he jumped dead

25:47

the guy say thirty one

25:49

guy

25:53

the you travel

25:54

that expire

25:56

the you know where you think about him

25:59

something new or having to experience serves

26:02

as , sign a gross i

26:05

really do first of all day

26:07

i think you've got more confidence now if

26:11

you're gonna buy himself he has

26:13

has that they respect him on

26:15

and he was something that away

26:18

i think that is a plus it's

26:21

crazy

26:23

really and truly do

26:29

the have how was with him if

26:32

it's like it's an unseen trying

26:37

but maybe idiocy maybe

26:40

this version of the higher powers something

26:42

powers can actually lay eyes on the

26:45

higher power than i think my brother has

26:48

is the same higher power i think my

26:50

mother has that i think all of us have

26:52

but it isn't necessarily isn't necessarily

26:54

thing or least not just a spirit

26:57

of things maybe it's decided

26:59

that is more to who we are to

27:01

what our lives can be more

27:04

than the holes reconstruct for ourselves

27:06

more than the whole of com for the halls

27:09

of catastrophes more than our

27:11

class coast

27:14

we will ,

27:16

a bigger one hundred and on

27:18

prison it but i just i

27:21

use only five no

27:25

no have the flow of intervention

27:29

we could go on a road we

27:32

can do anything we wanna do tap

27:34

into that higher version of ourselves and be

27:36

inspired bass my older brother

27:39

who perhaps has never seen himself

27:41

as an inspiration

27:43

michelangelo

27:45

oh there with him a way

27:49

i need to enjoy life problem

27:52

lost

28:07

we're back in the car all

28:09

our oversized goodies from costco

28:12

stored safely in the trunk of the volvo

28:15

the to did enjoy , time

28:17

bob and around a warehouse of everything

28:19

but but think my mother now both

28:21

know that cosco don't actually

28:23

had actually in

28:26

if season careful cosco

28:28

can become a whole to the

28:30

kind of whole that might convince or is enough

28:33

wins really it might be keeping her

28:35

from something more something new

28:38

or from something old a

28:40

pot of horrors you've never met or part

28:42

of her long forgotten and

28:59

i , out later that my mother wants to

29:01

learn to legacy because she wants

29:03

to use it to write me a letter you

29:06

know that led the one have

29:08

prompted her to write oh wow a birthday much

29:12

then a the sweetest thing in the world

29:15

and now know when know when

29:32

they grew see and sign language

29:36

maybe this higher power speaker

29:38

comes in the form of understanding

29:40

my loved ones when the out speaking maybe

29:43

it in the bright smile of a older brother

29:46

happy to see or in

29:48

his shoulders one slump now roll

29:50

back or an inflated chest

29:52

or a stretch into a crowd it's

29:54

base or maybe maybe

29:56

this higher powers in the reactivation

29:58

of your curiosity or

30:00

and imagining an island or admitting

30:03

that you aren't one nor is anyone around

30:05

you or ,

30:07

it's in one in and get up and move your body pillow

30:10

exercise the dancing dancing

30:13

it's and saying no to seems you've been saying

30:15

yes to for so for or

30:17

and saying yes to things you've been closed

30:19

off to because of fear and insecurity maybe

30:22

it's maybe that's this higher power maybe

30:27

it's in remembering who you're mommy's

30:30

who her mama was and

30:32

, locate that moxie in your

30:34

knuckles in kneecaps kneecaps

30:36

it's in for giving those who homs you are

30:38

moving past your past maybe

30:42

this higher power is therapy

30:45

who trying to better understand your kids

30:47

are given grace to your parents

30:50

maybe it's in humanizing everyone including

30:52

yourself maybe

30:54

it's and sleeping and or

30:56

learning to fly was given

30:58

church well known and pray

31:01

or even spending hours practicing

31:03

how to write to write you like it's art an

31:06

analog extra to to make it look

31:09

as incredible as he feels

31:38

mama the made me as a production of radio

31:40

toby of presents and ,

31:42

written in narrated by me jason

31:44

reynolds with my mother isabel reynolds

31:47

and for this episode my older brother

31:49

elements elements series is produced

31:51

by marked by gone and edited by julie

31:53

shapiro with production support from your

31:56

in the sordo the ,

31:58

an argument of it or executive uses

32:00

for when utopia prisons special

32:03

, to malware jason griffin for the cover

32:05

art art my younger brother christian

32:07

reynolds for killing a theme a mixing

32:09

sound design and original score

32:12

is by ian cass radio

32:14

toby radio presents debuts limited

32:16

run artist own series from new

32:18

and original voices for more information

32:21

visit radio toby radio presents