0:00

Hey folks, this is Kevin. On this

0:02

week's episode of Risk, you'll hear Kway

0:04

Tan. I take one of

0:06

those ice cubes and I start

0:08

funneling them up his anus and

0:11

his asshole swallows everyone and

0:15

they just disappear inside of him and

0:18

the day was saved. That

0:21

and more. But first, the next

0:23

Risk Live shows are May 16th

0:25

in New York and May 21st

0:27

in LA. We're

0:30

trying some new things at some of

0:33

these shows. We always love hanging out

0:35

with the fans afterward. And

0:37

even the Risk audio editors admit

0:39

that the show is even more

0:42

powerful when you are

0:44

there in the room experiencing

0:46

it with fellow Risk fans

0:49

as live theater. So

0:51

remember, May 16th in

0:54

New York, May 21st

0:56

in LA and tickets

0:59

are always at risk-show.com/live.

1:02

We'll be right back. I'm

1:04

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3:09

here's the show. I

3:26

love you. We

3:28

love you. We

3:31

love you. We

3:34

love you. Hello,

3:57

folks. This is Rask, the show where

3:59

people... tell true stories they

4:01

never thought they'd dare to share.

4:04

I'm Kevin Allison and this is

4:06

Knightversus behind me now and we're

4:08

calling this week's episode boundaries.

4:11

When boundaries get crossed

4:13

in funny ways and

4:17

not at all funny ways at

4:20

first it might seem

4:22

a somewhat bizarre combo

4:24

of stories a surprising

4:26

pairing but it's

4:28

also a striking illustration

4:30

of just how profound

4:33

just how deep how

4:36

dimensional the issue

4:38

of consent is. In

4:40

a little bit we're gonna

4:43

hear from Oliver Cromwell not the

4:45

one from your history books but

4:47

first on the lighter side a

4:50

story from Kway Tan who stars

4:52

in the horror movie They Slash

4:55

Them here's Kway Tan now with

4:57

a story we call Hot

5:00

Bottom. Hookahoe

5:25

Escort Prostitute all

5:28

things you'll find listed on my resume. I

5:33

started doing sex work 10 years ago when

5:35

I was 18 years old and

5:38

if I had a virginity to sell I would have sold

5:40

it. I

5:42

am what you would refer to as a low-end

5:45

prostitute. I

5:47

had reasonable prices and a

5:49

questionable work ethic. I

5:51

wasn't throwing

5:54

it back I would you know lean

5:56

on the dick I would rock on it.

6:01

But my clients didn't mind

6:03

because, like David was

6:06

saying, I am a trainee, a woman

6:08

in training. I train cultural.

6:11

And so my clients, you know,

6:13

they would, I'm a delicacy to

6:15

them. You know, that's

6:17

how they would suck my dick. They

6:20

would savor it. It's

6:24

true. For two

6:27

years into doing sex work, I

6:29

slept with, I made reasonable money.

6:31

I slept with many middle-aged, right

6:33

fathers. I pissed off

6:35

a lot of working girls along the way. I

6:37

poached some clients. But

6:39

then, just two years in,

6:42

I got blackballed. And

6:44

I know you're probably asking yourself, how do you get blackballed

6:46

from being a hoe? Well, I found a way.

6:49

I was banned from a top escorting

6:52

site for violating their terms of service.

6:55

People wrote fake Yelp reviews on my pussy,

6:57

which is a thing. They

6:59

gave me one out of five stars. And they

7:01

said I gave people AIDS, which

7:05

is just wallowed. So the

7:07

real kicker, though, was in

7:09

2017, when the congressional

7:11

bills, SESTA and FOSTA, went into

7:13

effect. And it

7:16

took down, the government seized my last

7:18

sex working site that I had available

7:20

to me, which was Backpage. Nancy

7:23

Pelosi was fucking with my money. So

7:28

at this point, if I wanted to sell pussy, I'd

7:30

have to do it on the street. So

7:33

I hung up my hooker heels, and I

7:35

retired. And

7:37

then I did The Unthinkable.

7:39

Now many college classes later,

7:42

eviction notices, I became

7:44

a Hollywood actress. And

7:49

one of the movies I did was They

7:52

Slash Them, not They Zoom. It's a slasher.

7:55

But the first film I did, I actually

7:57

played a text book. It was a Netflix film. house

8:00

called Cam, and it's about Cam girls, and it

8:02

was written by a Cam girl. And

8:05

then I worked with Tyler Perry,

8:07

Ryan Murphy, all the powerful gays.

8:10

And then I was just, I was on this

8:12

like train of success and I felt like it

8:14

was never going to stop, but

8:16

all trains make stops. My hooker

8:18

train made a stop, but I

8:20

didn't plan for, I didn't plan,

8:22

I just, I felt like I was just gonna keep

8:24

asking and booking roles. And

8:27

so I would only work if I was on set.

8:29

I didn't really like find other avenues to

8:32

make money. I bought a fancy car. Instead

8:34

of buying a house, I just, I didn't

8:36

do like those foundational things that I needed

8:38

to do like set myself up for success

8:40

financially. And then my

8:43

acting train finally stopped last year during

8:46

the dual Hollywood strikes. Yeah,

8:49

I lost so much fucking money

8:52

and I'm so pissed and so

8:54

fucking angry and

8:56

I'm rebuilding now. And I like

8:58

my fucking savings

9:00

just dwindled my stocks and bonds. You

9:02

know, I went from having stocks and

9:05

bonds to having an emergency fund. I

9:07

went from being a helping hand and

9:09

needing a helping hand and it

9:12

was extremely humbling. Now on

9:15

social media, our

9:17

union said to go back

9:19

to your day job. Now

9:22

I never really had a day job. My

9:26

day job was second day. You

9:29

know, and I mean

9:31

if I was a lazy hoe at 18, I'm

9:34

a geriatric one at

9:36

28. But

9:43

I belong to, I belong

9:46

to this Hooker Collective called

9:48

Hooker's Army and we practice

9:51

self-defense and we do peer support and I continue

9:53

to go to it because they're my friends

9:55

and you know that's my politics. So I continue

9:57

to go even after I was retired and And

10:00

I was telling the group, I told them, I

10:03

said, you know, I'm having these money issues. I

10:05

had a fucking, a fucking

10:07

car renewal. My car renewal bill was

10:09

fucking $700. That's what you

10:11

get when you buy a fucking Tesla. You have to pay almost $1,000

10:14

to renew your car. And

10:16

I was like, I have this bill and I

10:18

don't have any money coming in. And

10:20

there's the dominatrix of the group. Her

10:22

name is Princess Marks. And

10:25

she said that she would share a client with me.

10:27

Now, if you don't know about dominatrixes, and the

10:29

good thing about that is that they don't have

10:31

to fuck for their money, which is

10:34

great because my pussy was tired. And

10:36

so, so I

10:39

was like, this, you know, this is

10:41

amazing. And, you know, as we

10:43

were getting ready for the client,

10:45

I was telling her that, you know, I'm very

10:47

vanilla. I haven't done anything like

10:50

dominatrixing before. And

10:52

I just, I can't really relate to the whole

10:55

pain thing. And she said, no,

10:57

Clay, you like spicy foods. So

10:59

you do like pain, which I just found

11:02

so fascinating. I said, yes, she's right. And

11:04

I do, I love extremely spicy

11:06

foods. And she said, okay, listen to this.

11:09

Bring all the jalapenos in your house

11:12

and we'll use them in the session. For

11:15

what? I know, for what? And

11:17

so she was saying that I had a

11:19

pain reference for them. And

11:21

she said, knowing what your submissive

11:23

slave is experiencing makes you that

11:25

much better a Dom. And

11:28

yes, the client was a submissive

11:30

slave, which I'm immediately uncomfortable with

11:32

because it just like creeps

11:34

me out that white people are, you

11:37

know, proud of slavery and like even

11:39

more disturbingly are aroused by it. But

11:42

I mean, but as we know, it

11:44

was just Martin Luther King Day, as

11:46

we know, money cures

11:48

racism. And I wasn't

11:51

missing out on my reparations. Okay,

12:02

so, she tell,

12:04

so I'm getting ready, we're gonna meet the client at

12:06

his house, and he lives in Glendale. Also,

12:08

Glendale, I'm selling my pussy

12:11

in Glendale, girl! So,

12:14

we pull up to the single story house

12:17

in the suburb, we're two afternoon hookers, and

12:20

when you're at home, you have

12:22

to be ready for anything. I mean,

12:24

this man, he could look like Brad

12:26

Pitt or Quasimodo. He

12:28

was neither. I swear to

12:30

you, I'm in the positive seat, I roll down

12:32

the window, as I see him,

12:34

I'm like, that is

12:37

a queen! That is a

12:39

homosexual! This man was

12:41

an aging queen. He looked like

12:43

an elderly Troy Savan, the twink

12:46

of yesteryear. But, you know, hey,

12:48

whatever, you know, so, he was really

12:50

gracious, he

12:53

opened the door for us, and he welcomed

12:55

us into his home, and he

12:57

gave us a tour. And

12:59

this man had BDS and toys as far as

13:02

the eyes could see. I mean,

13:04

he had whips and chains and floggers

13:06

and just, I mean, he

13:08

had fire, like, like, lighters to

13:11

be burned with electrodes. He

13:13

wanted us to electrocute him! He

13:15

was ready! And he

13:19

was also, and this really shocked

13:21

me, he had a

13:23

whole smorgasbord of treats and delectable

13:26

things that we could eat and

13:28

sip on, a charcuterie plate, and

13:31

wine, and I just, I wanted

13:33

to eat everything, but I had

13:35

the very strict no drinking on

13:37

the job policy, and even

13:40

stricter no eating from white people's house

13:42

policy. But

13:45

the guy, he was very, very kind, and

13:48

I mean, I've had kind clients before, but

13:50

I mean, this was like another level. I

13:52

felt like Julia Roberts and Pretty Woman. It

13:56

was really nice. And so

13:58

the client, he gets... dressed

14:01

and he has a dad bod,

14:03

a farmer's tan, and a flaccid

14:05

penis. And he gets

14:07

on, he gets, we're adults here,

14:09

he gets on one of his many benches

14:13

and he's doggy style and he's

14:15

bent over and he

14:17

exposes a lasered asshole and

14:20

the asshole itself is slightly

14:22

prolapsed. So he was experienced.

14:27

And we strap him

14:29

in, head, legs, arms, back,

14:32

everything. He is our willing

14:34

system. And so

14:36

the first thing we do is a

14:39

spanking demonstration. And

14:41

initially he just wanted me to watch, but

14:43

I know myself, I could never be an

14:45

audience member. I will always be the

14:47

star. Self-aware.

14:53

So we do this spanking demonstration,

14:55

I'm being taught how to spank. And

14:58

then after that we get creative. And

15:01

so Princess Mark tells me, grab

15:03

the jalapenos. And

15:07

she said, do you have any jalapenos

15:10

with him? And

15:12

she said yes. And

15:15

so I, as a rational, normal human

15:17

being, I take the entire

15:19

jalapeno, because there's nothing hot on the outside

15:21

of a jalapeno. That's not going to harm

15:23

you. And I stick that into his

15:25

abs and I twist it in there, you know,

15:27

nice and good so he can, you know, feel

15:29

the fantasy. And then I pull

15:32

that out and it's pristine, it's clean. And

15:35

I look over to Princess

15:37

Mark, she's on her knees,

15:39

chapping up the other jalapeno.

15:42

And she gets a knife. And

15:45

so, you know, I know that this is

15:47

insane. And she's telling me, okay,

15:49

now we're going to put these in his ass.

15:52

Now I know this is crazy, but I'm

15:54

on the job. And

15:56

sometimes, sometimes you just have to be like, oh, I'm

15:58

going to do this. Uma your provider

16:01

is selling you feel about I'm

16:03

not going to close seen by

16:05

manager in front of the client.

16:07

Oh. I see

16:10

how the plane yellows

16:12

of out every damn

16:14

every see every jalapeno.

16:16

Oil offices. And

16:19

it is not long before this

16:21

man start. School. Work

16:25

and Com. A

16:28

good at his. At

16:31

me and tell you this

16:33

the is a desert The

16:35

jalapeno ignited a flame across

16:37

his and this the mucous

16:39

membrane up his arrest them

16:41

what's receding. Because

16:52

I know that Bdsm. And

16:54

man like. but this seems

16:56

like this is another level.

16:59

We do something and.

17:02

Most a citizen another forget it. We

17:06

let. Him go excel the jalapeno

17:08

out at him and see looked

17:10

him dead in his eyes and

17:12

caught him a simmering solas and

17:15

fault him for know with this.

17:17

Office I was like oh my gosh

17:19

with but but but she did one

17:21

nothing she did his s C. Linked

17:24

to the refrigerator, to the kitchen. And

17:26

she grabbed with cream thinking that

17:28

is yours would calm down See

17:31

now I don't think that works

17:33

in an end this but. But

17:36

I'm self anointed up his ass, even

17:38

when. Now This Doesn't work.

17:41

Because as I turned the can around.

17:46

With. My

17:55

friends money. You

18:00

know, I took a couple of improv classes,

18:02

and so I started looking around, and I

18:04

looked behind me, and I remember the wine

18:06

that I didn't drink later from all the

18:08

food he put out. He put out ice

18:10

cubes, and these are these big ice cubes.

18:12

You know, the ones that are like four

18:15

inches, and you get from like a stainless

18:17

steel refrigerator, where you have to take a

18:19

cup and then press it on the lever,

18:22

then the ice falls out. Real rich white

18:24

people shit. Not an eight-tray

18:26

in eight. I took one of

18:28

those ice cubes, and I started screwing

18:32

them up his anus, and

18:35

his asshole swallows everyone, and

18:38

they just disappear inside of him,

18:41

and the day was saved. Now,

18:50

eventually, Princess Mox

18:52

will let him go to relieve himself,

18:55

because she didn't want to be sprayed

18:57

with jalapeno booty juice. Now,

18:59

I left this man with

19:03

a bulbous asshole, and

19:05

he left me with $600 on a microphone

19:09

that I used for podcasting.

19:12

This is the hero's turn-in! Woo!

19:22

He said he enjoyed it, and that I'm very unique. Thank

19:29

you. My name is Clay Sant. Oh,

19:45

oh, then, why'd you buy

19:47

me a hot sauce bagel? My

19:50

hot sauce bagel? Go get me a hot sauce bagel. Go

19:53

get me a hot sauce bagel. My hot sauce

19:55

bagel? Go get me a hot sauce

19:57

bagel. We'll

20:00

be right back. Do

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you wake up in a cold sweat from your work

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dreams? Have a coworker who keeps inviting you to

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on linkedin.com/recommend today. We're

22:41

back. This

22:58

is Rizk. This is Cinematic

23:00

Orchestra behind me now. And

23:02

we just heard from Janelle

23:05

Monae, a song called Jalapeno,

23:07

which we thought of after

23:09

Quay Tan's story. And check

23:12

out her podcast, Traineez, that

23:14

she co-hosts with Nailah Moon.

23:17

Folks, we are now offering

23:19

seven day free trials of

23:22

our $5 and $10 and $25 tiers of

23:24

Patreon membership. So

23:30

you can sign up and get a taste

23:32

of what you'd be getting as a paid

23:34

member at that tier. A

23:36

Rizk fan named Cierra recently became a

23:38

member and she wrote to us saying,

23:42

Rizk isn't just entertaining, it's

23:44

affirming. It's an exploration of

23:46

what it is to be

23:48

human. With all our foibles

23:50

and darkness, it's vulnerable and

23:53

funny and kind and just

23:55

all around beautiful. The

23:57

world would be much less bearable.

24:00

Without it. Thank you

24:02

so much Sierra You know

24:04

there's a fascinating conversation on

24:06

patreon right now between myself

24:08

and our story editor Taj

24:10

Easton and Eli Matilda Ridley

24:12

who shared a story called

24:14

my feminine side about connecting

24:16

to their feminine side during

24:18

a spiritually invigorating acid trip

24:21

That was on a recent

24:23

episode and the discussion on

24:25

patreon is fascinating and there's

24:27

plenty more Where

24:29

that came from at patreon.com

24:32

slash risk Also, if

24:34

you just want to help risk out by

24:37

making a one-time donation that's at PayPal.me slash

24:40

risk show Next

24:43

we're going to hear from

24:45

Oliver Cromwell now the subject

24:47

of sexual abuse is in

24:49

this one and it was

24:51

shared so honestly and Compassionately

24:53

by Oliver and here he

24:55

is now with a story

24:57

we call poison

25:22

So At

25:30

the age of 15 I was at

25:32

a youth event at a church

25:35

and I'm

25:40

standing there listening to

25:43

the youth pastor Talk

25:45

about you know Jesus God

25:48

relationships with spirituality I

25:51

Don't remember a lot of

25:53

what was said But

25:56

towards the end of it he said

25:58

something so profound that's different with

26:00

me that kind

26:02

of altered the trajectory of

26:05

my life at that point. Six

26:09

years prior to that, I met

26:12

the man and woman who had become my mom

26:14

and dad. And

26:18

I make that distinction. I

26:20

made it for

26:22

as long as I can remember. I have a

26:24

mom and a dad and

26:27

a mother and a father. And

26:30

the reason I made the distinction was because anyone

26:34

can be a mother and father. It's

26:37

a simple process, really. But

26:40

it takes a lot more, a lot

26:43

more love and care and dedication

26:45

to be a mom and

26:47

a dad. Six

26:51

years before that, I was living

26:53

with my father. I

26:55

had lived with my

26:58

mother's parents after

27:00

being born. Then I

27:02

lived with my mother and then at

27:04

this point I had been living with

27:06

my father, my biological father.

27:11

I don't really have a lot of

27:14

memories per se. I

27:17

can remember that at least between

27:20

the ages of three and five while

27:23

living with my father, I spent

27:25

my life looking to

27:27

him for guidance, for

27:30

care. At the

27:32

time he was simply another person

27:35

in a line of people who

27:37

said they would be there for me and

27:40

take care of me and

27:42

make sure I didn't die. And

27:46

in some ways he

27:50

succeeded. In other ways

27:52

he failed. The

28:01

biggest memory that I have

28:03

during this time is

28:06

not a happy one. I

28:08

remember standing in

28:10

the living room of the

28:12

apartment that my father was

28:15

renting at the time, and

28:18

I'm looking out the patio door to a

28:21

gray kind of overcast

28:23

gay. My

28:26

father was an

28:28

alcoholic, so it wasn't

28:32

unusual for me to experience

28:35

him in an altered state of mind. I

28:37

may not have understood it at the

28:40

time, what caused it, if

28:42

that was just normal for him, if

28:45

it was just who

28:47

he was. I

28:49

do know that looking back,

28:52

if I pull up his face, he

28:54

kind of looked like a mix between

28:56

old school mullet,

28:59

A.K. Bracey Hart, Billy

29:01

Ray Cyrus, and

29:04

Dale Earnhardt, who happened

29:06

to be his favorite

29:08

NASCAR racer. So,

29:12

on this day, my

29:14

father calls me upstairs, and

29:18

like the good son that I am, I

29:20

go upstairs to see what he wants. And

29:24

he proceeds to tell me

29:26

to take my clothes off, and I'm

29:29

confused, I think maybe I'm just getting changed.

29:33

At this point, all I can really

29:35

feel is a sense of confusion, not

29:38

knowing what's going on. And

29:41

then he proceeds to bend me

29:43

over the bed and violate me. And

29:50

it turns from confusion to

29:53

pain and fear and...

30:00

just wanting

30:02

to be anywhere but here.

30:07

I don't know how long

30:09

it went on. I

30:13

can vaguely remember seeing the light

30:16

dim and

30:19

I got to a point where I had

30:21

a feeling in my gut that

30:25

the one thing I needed to do at that

30:28

moment was poop. I

30:31

tell my father that I have to use the

30:33

bathroom. As

30:35

I've gotten older, I've kind of understood that

30:39

no, that was just the feeling of

30:41

being violated, of

30:46

having something foreign and

30:48

unwanted within you. So

30:51

I have to retreat to the restroom and

30:54

I'm sitting on a toilet just kind

30:56

of hiding. Nothing's

30:59

happening. I'm just there,

31:01

scared. After

31:11

five, maybe 10 minutes, my father

31:13

knocks on the door and he

31:16

says, finish up. And I

31:18

just, I wipe my eyes and

31:21

rub my nose and I

31:23

slowly, anxiously open

31:25

the door and make my way back

31:27

out. He

31:31

continues to violate me for a

31:34

little bit longer and

31:36

then he's done. At

31:41

this point, I can kind of remember getting

31:45

partially dressed and

31:47

I retreated to the closet in the corner

31:50

of the room. It

31:52

was one of those apartment,

31:55

small walk-in closet type things.

31:59

And I just kind of... I went in

32:01

there, curled up and hid for

32:03

a while. I

32:06

don't know how long I stayed in there, but

32:09

when I went in there, I knew it was dark

32:11

outside. When I came

32:13

out, I could see street

32:16

lights and

32:18

the lights of like a

32:20

gas station that was down the way. I

32:23

can't remember if my father was

32:25

asleep on the bed or if

32:27

he had gone out to the

32:29

patio or

32:32

what it was. I just knew I

32:34

didn't want to see him.

32:38

I was a ball of confusion

32:40

and fear and

32:42

anxiety, and

32:46

I just wanted to be alone. Sometime

32:50

after that, while I was still living with my father, I

33:00

happened to go to

33:03

another relative's house, one

33:06

where I had an older half-brother, and

33:10

my cousins were there. I

33:13

had a female cousin

33:17

who was 16 at that point, and

33:21

she took us off into this side

33:23

room in this kind

33:25

of finished basement, as it

33:27

were. There were carpets, there was

33:30

a TV system set up with

33:33

movies, there was another

33:36

room off of it. There was like the

33:38

laundry room or something like that, and

33:40

there was a side room that I suppose was

33:43

someone's bedroom or it was like

33:45

a pseudo guest room because

33:49

there was a bed in there, there was

33:52

a little table, and there

33:54

was a small bookshelf with some

33:57

books on it. And I

33:59

remember, My 16 year

34:02

old cousin, she carried

34:04

in a basket full

34:07

of little slips of paper. My

34:11

half brother and I, along with my

34:13

cousin, were

34:15

in the room and she proceeded to shut

34:17

the door and told us

34:19

about a game. We

34:22

would pick slips of paper out

34:24

of the basket, unfold

34:26

them, read what it says and

34:29

then do what it says on them. And

34:32

me being a young child

34:35

between the ages of 3 and 5 at

34:37

this point, I'm kind of excited

34:39

because I like games, sounds

34:42

fun. But

34:44

it turns out that this game had a bit

34:46

of a sinister goal. People

34:52

because we were just young

34:55

boys and she was a 16 year

34:58

old young woman. These

35:08

slips of paper happened to have sexual

35:11

acts on them. My

35:15

brother and I pulled these slips

35:17

of paper, read what

35:19

they said and proceeded to perform

35:21

set acts. I

35:24

can remember getting kind of

35:27

frustrated at this game

35:29

that she had us playing because all

35:31

I could seem to draw out of

35:33

this basket of papers was

35:37

the act of oral

35:39

sex on her. I

35:43

remember very distinctly just this

35:46

kind of sour, awkward

35:49

taste in my mouth. It

35:52

was just the same

35:55

thing over and over. I

35:58

remember after some... time

36:01

just kind of looking at my

36:03

cousin and just saying, I

36:05

think I'm done with this game.

36:17

I now have two instances in

36:19

which family

36:21

members did certain

36:23

things with each other. This

36:26

was normal. Some

36:31

time later, I remember

36:34

being in my father's bed with

36:37

my half sister. She was

36:39

younger than I was. And

36:42

we started a game of doctor. Not

36:45

a normal game where, you know,

36:47

you pull out

36:49

the toy stethoscope and

36:52

the toy x-ray machine and,

36:55

you know, oh, you're sick. Let's see

36:57

what the problem is. No,

37:00

this is one of those games of

37:02

doctor where you start

37:04

taking your clothes off and I'll show

37:07

you mine if you show me yours. And

37:11

I'm older now. I know

37:14

that's not normal. But

37:16

at that point, I was

37:19

a child. It was completely normal.

37:22

My father had done things to me. My

37:26

cousin had done things to me. These

37:29

are just what family members

37:31

do sometimes. In

37:35

a way, I closed a

37:37

loop and created a new

37:40

cycle of abuse. It

37:49

would be my hope that I

37:52

didn't screw up my half

37:54

sister the way I had been Because

37:57

she was so young. Years

38:01

past. I

38:03

bounced to my father's.

38:05

Pants. Foster

38:08

family. Another foster

38:10

family. And six

38:12

years after the abuse. And

38:15

nine years old. And

38:18

I meet the man woman who

38:20

would become my mom and. Some.

38:25

Time later, Not

38:27

too long. And

38:29

need to girls who would

38:31

become my younger. Sister's.

38:35

I'm still a child. Their

38:37

children as well. I've

38:40

never told anyone about

38:42

what happened all those

38:44

years ago. There

38:49

came a time. When the

38:52

cycle of abuse. Came.

38:54

Back. It

38:57

wasn't long, but it was the not. My

39:02

mom and dad never did anything to

39:04

me. Nobody

39:06

in my new family

39:08

did anything. They were

39:10

loving, caring and time.

39:14

They were supported. Anything that I wanted

39:16

to do is my life. They stood

39:19

behind me and tried to help me

39:21

make it better. My

39:24

parents found out what I did,

39:26

what has happened, I

39:30

went to therapy. Has

39:32

they thought perhaps? this was a

39:34

nice and we need to figure

39:36

out what was up in. My

39:42

parents fought tooth and nail to

39:45

make sure. That

39:47

the family stayed together. I

39:50

had made my mom cried. So

39:54

many times. The

39:57

actions. My

40:02

goes on. I was

40:04

so young created. I

40:08

wouldn't say a monster. I

40:12

created a perfect storm of.

40:15

Fear. anxiety

40:18

down gilts.

40:24

And. A dynamic

40:26

in my own plane

40:29

that wasn't normal. But

40:32

I didn't tell my parents. I

40:35

was either ashamed or scared. Or

40:39

aside, it's they knew they wouldn't

40:41

want me anymore because so many

40:43

other people just got tired of

40:46

me and sat me somewhere else.

40:49

And my parents had many

40:51

times in which they could

40:54

have done so. And

40:57

yet they stood through. It sickens,

40:59

sent. Out

41:01

a genuine love and

41:04

tear on from Pass.

41:09

And six years after

41:11

I met. A

41:13

man and woman who would become my mom

41:15

and dad. I

41:17

found myself. Or use of

41:19

that. And. A church at

41:21

the age of fifteen. listening

41:24

to. A pastor

41:26

talked about. Face.

41:30

Jesus Spirituality and.

41:34

Above All Saints. Forgiveness.

41:40

While I don't remember ninety

41:42

nine percent of what's this,

41:44

youth, Pastor said. He

41:47

said one thing. That

41:49

from that day however piece to

41:51

other people in situations in which

41:53

I thought it's to be most

41:56

relevant. holding

41:59

on to is

42:01

like drinking poison and

42:03

expecting the other person

42:06

to eat. That

42:09

very phrase, speaking to him,

42:12

and changing my perspective on

42:15

everything that had happened. It's

42:17

been a good chunk of time thinking

42:20

about all the things that had happened,

42:23

thinking, oh, if I

42:25

could change this, that everything might

42:28

be different. Or

42:30

if this had never happened,

42:33

I'd be okay. And

42:35

yet, this one phrase

42:38

allowed me to look back at everything that

42:41

had happened, all the

42:43

bad that I had experienced, not

42:45

only with my father,

42:48

my cousin, the

42:51

things with foster families. And

42:55

it made me realize that

42:57

if any of that had changed, any

43:00

of that had not happened, I

43:03

would not be the person with

43:06

the heart and

43:08

compassion for

43:11

the broken, the battered,

43:14

the damned, as it were. I

43:18

would not be the person

43:21

who wanted to be able to

43:23

reach out a hand and

43:26

say, you are not alone.

43:29

You can get through this. You

43:33

are not a monster. And

43:37

that one phrase

43:40

allowed me to look back at the people who

43:44

had changed my

43:46

life so

43:48

negatively and

43:50

given me so

43:53

many things to

43:55

be afraid of within

43:57

myself. I

44:00

was able to look back at them and

44:04

say, I

44:06

forgive you. I

44:08

will never forget what

44:10

you have done to me. I

44:13

will never forget the

44:15

things I have to try to

44:17

understand. But

44:19

I will also never forget what you

44:21

have given me, the

44:24

desire and capability

44:27

to help others who

44:30

have been through the same. And

44:38

in the years since, I

44:41

have worked to be able to

44:43

do so. Shortly

44:46

after that night of

44:49

the youth event, I was able

44:51

to gather enough courage

44:54

to look at my mom and dad,

44:58

the people who took me in six years

45:01

prior, who said, we

45:03

will take care of you. We will

45:06

love you. We will nurture you.

45:08

We will help you grow. Six

45:11

years to gather the courage and

45:14

to trust them enough with

45:17

the knowledge of what my

45:19

father did to me and what my

45:21

cousin did to me and what

45:23

I did and why. It

45:29

was in that moment that so

45:31

many pieces fell into place for them.

45:35

My dad is a Vietnam

45:38

veteran. He's

45:40

a Marine. I've

45:42

never seen this man cry. And

45:45

yet the amount of understanding

45:49

and compassion that I felt

45:52

come from him after telling

45:54

him what had happened was

45:58

such a sense of... relief

46:01

and wonder because it

46:04

was an experience of

46:07

emotion that I had not

46:09

seen from him. But

46:13

in that moment I truly

46:15

understood and my mom

46:17

and dad didn't just

46:19

say they would love me and

46:22

care for me and help me

46:24

grow. In that

46:26

moment I knew they meant it. I

46:33

had come to

46:36

forgive my father, my

46:39

cousin, and

46:42

all those who had hurt me

46:45

in the past. But

46:49

I've also realized that I

46:52

never let go of the

46:54

poison. I've

46:56

kept it in my pocket. And

46:59

maybe someday I'll be able to come back and

47:02

tell the story of how I was able to dump

47:04

that poison down the drain and

47:06

leave it behind me. Maybe

47:09

someday I'll be

47:11

able to come back and tell

47:14

the story of how

47:16

I learned to forgive myself. When

48:19

your day is long And

48:24

the night, the

48:27

night is yours to

48:29

lose When

48:35

you show you've had

48:37

enough Of

48:41

this life And

48:50

don't let yourself go

48:58

Because everybody cries

49:06

And everybody

49:08

dies Sometimes

49:36

And you're not sensitive And

49:42

we timed the release of that story

49:44

for April If

49:48

you want to know more, go

49:50

to the National Sexual

49:53

Violence Resource Center I

49:56

would say that I have learned so much

49:58

about the National Sexual Violence Resource Center that

50:00

issue in the 15 years we've

50:02

been doing the show from

50:05

the generous sharing of

50:07

stories like Oliver's. I

50:10

hope you have too. I'm

50:13

also so thankful to Oliver for

50:15

saying that all

50:17

the trauma he did endure did

50:20

have something positive that grew

50:22

out of it. His

50:25

deep sense of

50:27

compassion and empathy for

50:30

the vulnerable. I

50:33

feel like hearing stories

50:35

like Oliver's does

50:37

a little bit of that

50:39

same thing for all

50:41

of us too. There

50:43

are so many issues that I feel

50:45

like I've become more educated about from

50:47

working on the show and

50:50

I'm also so honored when people

50:52

share about the most beautiful, the

50:54

most joyous, most wonderful

50:56

experiences in their lives. You

50:59

know, I do one-on-one coaching and a

51:02

fella recently came to me and

51:04

he wanted to work on his wedding

51:07

vows and I cried three times while

51:15

just reading his first draft. It

51:17

was such a joy to work

51:19

with someone sharing in that way also.

51:27

And thank you to

51:29

all of you out there in

51:31

the risk audience who show up

51:33

to listen to one another and

51:36

for making all of this possible.

51:40

We'll be right back. So

51:43

in a little or a lot Shopify

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that's Thursday, and folks, today's

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the day. Take

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a risk. ♪

53:27

Cause everybody hurts ♪ ♪

53:35

Take comfort in your friends ♪ ♪

53:41

Everybody hurts sometimes ♪ ♪

53:44

Everybody hurts sometimes ♪

54:04

Sometimes.