In the first stages of my grief I made a decision to experience it all; every emotion and feeling that came in the package of grief and loss.

I didn’t want to run away from it.Something in me knew that if I ran away, this monster will catch me at some point in the future.  I knew it was unavoidable.

I sort of knew, that I’d rather experience it in real time, while it’s there, fresh… raw… cruel… fierce…uncompromising….

 So, I made a place and space for grief, for pain. for cry, for anger and disbelief.

Now, from a vintage point of 2 yrs. + 7 months I can see that among the parts that make who I am, there was a wise old woman who knew how to guide all the other parts. 

And while I was “away” crying the pain of a lost child, moaning the agony  of the maiden, wailing the woman who lost her lover, and lamented the woman who wanted to get old side by side with her  beloved, she – the wise old one – was holding me in her arms, waiting with love and permission to feel it all. As long as it takes...

She knew... She who knows.   

We are brought up to believe that life is made of right or wrong, good or bad, ugly or beautiful, black or white.

And if so – there’s grief or love, sorrow or joy.

So, in order to live “normal” life you have to “move on from grief”.

These are WRONG messages.  They have nothing to do with the real raw experience of grief.

I discovered that love and grief are not either or.

They are inseparable.

A few days ago, on our 50th anniversary day,I renewed my vow.

My vow to love with all my heart. To live my life from the heart. With the heart. And for the heart.

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