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KIWIC0

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dot com slash three and thirty.

1:11

Welcome to three and thirty. A podcast

1:13

for moms who want to create more meaning in

1:15

motherhood. Each thirty minute

1:17

episode will feature three doable

1:19

takeaways for you to try at home

1:21

with your family this week. I'm

1:24

your host, Rachel Nielsen. Thank

1:26

you so much for being here. Hello,

1:33

my friends. Happy Podcast Day. Today's

1:35

episode is gonna be a little more informal.

1:38

It's springs from a real life experience

1:40

that I had and some of the lessons that I've learned

1:42

from it. And to give you a little bit of context,

1:44

my son's birth dad came

1:46

to visit us recently. My son Noah is

1:49

adopted, and we have an open adoption.

1:51

And Drew comes every year in the winter

1:54

and Drew and Noah snowboard together.

1:56

We go out to e. We play board games.

1:58

It is so much fun. It's truly

2:00

a highlight of our year. And

2:02

I was thinking back on these

2:05

fun fun trips that we have every

2:07

year, and I remembered that

2:09

several years ago, I recorded an

2:11

Gram live about a meltdown that

2:13

Noah had had right before one

2:16

of Drew's visits. And I was trying to remember

2:18

all of the details of that. And why did he meltdown?

2:20

And what exactly have happened, I couldn't quite remember,

2:22

but remembered that I liked this Instagram

2:25

live that I had done where I had shared some

2:27

of the things that I had learned. From

2:29

parenting my strong will little Noah.

2:32

So I actually went back in time

2:34

and found that Instagram live. It was from

2:36

three years ago. And I rewatched

2:38

it. And I have to say it was

2:41

really touching to go back in time

2:43

and watch Rachel from three years ago,

2:46

processing her experience of mothering

2:49

a strong welled little boy. And I

2:51

felt proud of her for all she was

2:53

learning then and I felt proud of

2:55

myself for how much more I've

2:57

learned since then. And most of

2:59

all, I felt proud of Noah. For

3:01

how far he's come since then and the journey

3:03

that we've been on together and how hard we've

3:06

worked. It was just really special

3:08

for me to watch that and to reflect on

3:11

How much this podcast has

3:13

blessed my family these past five and a half

3:15

years. All of the things that I

3:17

have learned about parenting from podcast guests

3:20

that I've been able to use in my home,

3:22

how much of a difference that is made. And

3:25

so I decided that I would

3:27

kind of take all of you on a walk down

3:29

memory laying with 30, and

3:31

I would air the audio from that Instagram

3:33

live from three years ago. It's about ten

3:36

minutes long. And then after

3:38

that clip, I'm gonna come back in

3:40

and I will give you three takeaways that

3:43

I learned from this experience that you're gonna

3:45

hear about as well as others. About

3:47

what to do when your child says that they

3:49

hate you or uses other strong

3:51

language against you. This

3:53

has happened to me a lot over the

3:57

eleven years that I've been a parent, I will

3:59

say it happens much

4:01

less regularly now, which we'll talk a

4:03

little bit about at the end. And I've

4:06

tried various responses to

4:08

this over the years. I've gone from

4:10

being really strict about 278, to being softer

4:12

about it, I'll tell you about

4:14

everything that I've learned when I come back in with

4:16

my takeaways. But first, here

4:18

is the audio of that Instagram

4:21

live.

4:22

Hello friends. I just dropped my kids off at

4:24

skiing and I don't know

4:26

why I'm feeling like I need to share

4:29

a story about what happened in our house last

4:31

night? I was thinking 30. I'll

4:33

just wait and I'll record that for a podcast episode

4:36

later. But I just keep feeling like, no,

4:38

you can record it as a podcast episode

4:40

later, but share it now on Instagram because

4:42

there may be a mom who's facing

4:44

a kid's meltdown or tantrum today

4:46

that might wanna hear about this. So I just wanna

4:49

share about something that happened

4:51

last night when my son had a

4:53

major meltdown, a major tantrum. And

4:56

I do not always get it right, but

4:58

I feel like doing my podcast

5:01

and talking to so many parenting experts

5:04

The person who's changed the most is 30.

5:06

And I have been able to really

5:08

take in some of the things that they've taught me

5:10

and manage my kids better and

5:12

differently than I ever have before because

5:15

of these parenting experts that have taught me about

5:17

connection and positive discipline

5:19

and all those things. So I'll just tell you the scenario

5:21

of what happened. So last

5:24

night, my kids were fighting over the movie

5:26

that they got to watch, and they know that if

5:28

they fight over it, then it gets turned off. And that

5:30

just a boundary that I have

5:33

with them. They know the rule and

5:35

they were fighting and one of them kicked the

5:37

other one and I was like enough. So I turned

5:39

it off and they were really

5:41

angry. Well, both of them were 30, but

5:43

especially my son who has the way

5:45

bigger personality 30 the intensity of

5:47

emotion. And he was so

5:50

angry and give us another chance and

5:52

blah blah. And I said, nope. You guys know the

5:54

rule. We're not gonna watch any more shows. And

5:56

he does lost it. And

5:58

he went into his room and started

6:00

screaming, I hate you

6:02

mom. I hate you mom. I hate you mom.

6:05

And that is really unusual for him to

6:07

say that. He used to say that when he was like

6:10

three, but he hasn't really said that since

6:12

he's eight now. And

6:14

my instinct is like, he

6:16

can't say that to 30, and I need to shut

6:18

him down. You know? And I was

6:20

in my room with my husband, And

6:23

my husband started to get up,

6:25

and he was angry, and I could tell. And he got

6:27

up to go and discipline him.

6:30

And I said, no. Stop.

6:32

It's fine. And he was like, no, it's

6:34

not fine. He cannot. He cannot

6:37

say that to you. And I

6:39

said, you're right. 30 can't say that

6:41

to me, but now is not the time to talk

6:43

to him about that. And I don't blame

6:45

my husband at all because my

6:47

husband is protective of me as he should

6:49

be, and I'm grateful that

6:52

I have a spouse that would quickly jump up

6:54

and go and tell my

6:56

son that he can't yell that he hates me.

6:59

But I was like, just wait, you don't need

7:01

to say anything, just let him rage. And

7:03

I just was thinking about my son

7:06

and how it was the end of a long school

7:08

week he had been at school all week

7:10

he has a really intense personality to

7:12

begin with. He's exhausted at

7:14

the end of the 30. And on top of

7:16

that, his birth dad was coming

7:18

to visit us. And was on his way

7:20

to see us. And he had been counting down

7:23

the hours until his birthday arrived.

7:26

And he was super excited,

7:28

but also I'm sure nervous. So

7:30

my son's obviously adopted and we have an open

7:32

adoption and that's a lot of

7:34

emotion. For a little guy to carry

7:36

around. Like, he's so excited to see his

7:38

birthday that he absolutely loves. We

7:41

all adore him, but there's probably

7:43

a lot of, like, nervousness and other

7:45

emotions mixed in there So like,

7:47

it makes sense that this kid is blowing

7:50

his top. And I've actually seen

7:52

a counselor for Noah Noah

7:54

has seen the counselor, and I have seen the counselor.

7:57

And she said that a kid with Noah's

7:59

personality, 30, it's literally like

8:02

he's a tea pot. And if the

8:04

pressure's been building all week inside

8:06

of him, it has to have an

8:08

outlet. It has to blow out

8:10

at some point and she said, It's

8:12

really good that he feels safe and

8:14

he knows where to blow it out in

8:17

your home and it's it's good. To

8:19

let him get the steam out and then,

8:21

you know, decompress a little bit. And she's

8:23

just sort of taught me that as

8:25

he gets older, he's gonna be able

8:27

to manage it and regulate it better. Like,

8:29

obviously, it's not gonna be okay when

8:32

he's a twenty year old man for him

8:34

to be screaming that he hates his mom. But

8:37

when he's eight and he's learning how to manage

8:39

everything and she's just taught me

8:41

and taught me to tell him, you're

8:44

learning and growing and right now your

8:46

mind and your body don't always agree.

8:49

Your mind is saying Don't

8:51

freak out. Don't talk to your mom like that.

8:54

Your body is saying I'm so angry

8:56

and I want to freak out. And

8:58

I've just taught my son, it's gonna get

9:00

easier for your mind to win. The

9:03

older that you get, your mind is gonna be

9:05

able to control your body and your emotions. But

9:07

it's okay if when you're eight years

9:09

old, sometimes your body wins. Because

9:12

my son also feels a lot of shame

9:14

when he has these freak outs and these meltdowns,

9:16

after the fact, which I will get to in a second.

9:19

So he was in his room screaming for

9:21

a solid 30 five minutes just over

9:23

and over. I hate you mom. I hate

9:25

you mom. I hate you mom. And

9:28

I just waited and I let

9:30

it die down. Until

9:32

I could just hear him crying,

9:35

like whimpering, but the rage was gone.

9:38

And I went into his room and

9:40

I got in bed with him and I hugged him.

9:43

And he started sobbing and saying,

9:45

I'm so sorry. I'm so

9:47

sorry, mommy. I'm so sorry

9:50

I've said that. I love you 30. I'm

9:52

so sorry. And then he starts saying,

9:54

I'm so stupid. And that's

9:57

something that 30 feels a lot.

9:59

Like, he has these big, big emotions that he doesn't

10:01

know how to control. And then afterwards,

10:03

he feels a lot of shame. And that's

10:05

something that we've worked with with

10:07

him where he'll say I'm

10:09

so stupid. I hate myself. He's even

10:12

said way worse things about himself than

10:14

that. And I just rubbed

10:16

his back. And I said, you're

10:18

not stupid. You're a human. And

10:21

humans have big emotions and humans

10:24

make mistakes. And they just

10:26

said, I'm 30. I'm sorry. And I said, I

10:28

forgive you. I forgive you. And

10:30

I knew that I needed to have a

10:33

conversation with him about

10:35

the fact that you can't say that you hate your

10:37

mom and you can't say that

10:39

you hate your family and your loved ones. Like, that's

10:41

not okay, but

10:44

it wasn't the time. To have that

10:46

conversation with him. It wasn't the

10:48

time to have it while he was flipping out

10:51

and having his freak out blow out when

10:53

he was actually saying it in anger, but

10:55

it also wasn't the time to say it

10:58

when he was so sad and

11:00

ashamed of himself. And so I

11:03

discomforted him and loved him.

11:05

And then when he was kind of over it

11:07

and let it all out, I'm like, why don't you finish up

11:09

some quiet time in your room? Drew's gonna

11:12

be here in the next half hour, his birthday,

11:15

and everything's gonna be fine. And

11:17

so we finished up the quiet time. Drew got

11:19

there. was awesome. We love him.

11:21

They had a great night together. And then

11:23

when I was tucking Noah into bed that night,

11:26

I said, hey, 30, I need to talk to

11:28

you about something. Remember earlier when

11:30

you really lost your temper and you said

11:32

really mean things to me? And

11:34

he got kind of shamed and he goes under his cover.

11:37

And I said, you know, I forgive

11:39

you. I already told you. I forgive

11:40

you. But I want you to know that it's

11:42

not okay. To say

11:44

that you hate your family or to say

11:47

really mean cutting words when

11:49

you're angry. It's never okay

11:51

to hurt other people when you're angry. But

11:54

you're gonna get better at that. And

11:56

like 30 talked about, like, you're gonna

11:58

get better at winning in the moment.

12:01

Your brain is gonna start to be able

12:03

to control your body

12:04

better. But I just want you to

12:06

remember that we don't

12:08

say hurtful things to people when

12:10

we're

12:11

really angry with them. That's not

12:13

the right way to manage our big emotions.

12:15

And 30 like, you're right, mom, you're right. And like

12:17

the shame was gone. He wasn't mad

12:19

at himself anymore. He's like, you're right,

12:21

I'm gonna work on that. I'm sorry that I

12:23

said hurtful words. And then we kinda joked

12:25

and I said, Well, it was probably because it was

12:27

opposite day. Right? Because

12:30

he's way into opposite day right now. And, like,

12:32

I knew you didn't mean that. I knew that it was

12:35

opposite day and that you really love me. And

12:37

he's like, you're right. Yes. So I just wanted

12:39

to share that experience for any

12:41

of you that have kids with really big emotions

12:43

and you don't know how to handle them and you

12:45

don't know how to discipline in the moment

12:48

when they're losing it and you're like, I probably

12:50

shouldn't be allowing them to

12:52

act like this, but

12:54

they're not in a state of mind to be reasoned

12:57

with. And if you go in there

12:59

with guns blazing, then they

13:01

actually don't learn. They

13:03

actually get angrier and it becomes

13:05

about you. They don't reflect on their own behavior,

13:07

they get madder at their parent. And they're like,

13:10

30, she is so mean because

13:12

she just yelled at me. And so it becomes

13:14

about you instead of about them.

13:17

And so if you can stay calm and this

13:19

is what learned from my guests, from my podcast guest.

13:21

If you can stay calm and connected, and

13:24

then later talk to them

13:26

about the misbehavior, they'll

13:29

actually internalize it and learn

13:31

from it versus it becoming a huge battle.

13:33

This is a strategy that has worked over and

13:35

over and over with my Noah who's really

13:37

intense and he loves really

13:40

intensely 30 the sweetest

13:42

little boy ever and he

13:45

gets really intensely angry.

13:48

And so this is how I learned to manage

13:50

it and it works so well with him. And

13:52

I'm so grateful for my podcast guests that have

13:54

helped me see that as well as the

13:57

counselor that noah sees

13:59

and that I 30. And I highly

14:01

recommend counseling to everyone who

14:03

struggles in their parenting or with their own

14:05

stuff. I have had so much

14:07

benefits from counseling. So 30,

14:10

use a little real life parenting moment.

14:13

That 30 will be helpful to you

14:15

this weekend if you have a kid having a meltdown.

14:17

And the other key I wanna say is, if

14:20

you have lost it on your kids, It's

14:22

fine. It's fine. Just

14:25

go back, talk to them,

14:28

repair. That's something that Georgia

14:30

Anderson, who is from know how mom

14:32

tips, she's an emotions coach. She

14:34

teaches parents how to emotions coach. That's

14:37

something that she's taught me is repair,

14:40

is so powerful. So

14:42

if you have a kid that this morning lost

14:45

their mind and you lost your mind And

14:48

you yelled and you said something that

14:50

you don't feel good about. Just go to them

14:52

and say you're sorry and explain that you're

14:54

working on it 278 talk through what

14:56

happened, and then you'll do better next

14:58

time. So have a great weekend.

15:00

You guys can all do it. I'm rooting for

15:02

you. We've got this. We're all in this together.

15:04

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17:23

Wasn't that such a fun little throwback? And

17:26

now I'm gonna tell you my three takeaways for

17:29

what I've learned. About what to do when your

17:31

child says that they hate you. And you're

17:33

gonna hear me quote a lot of podcast guests

17:35

in here because I really have learned

17:38

most of the good things that I know about parenting

17:40

from podcast guests. So let's

17:42

dive into it. My first takeaway is

17:44

30 v adult, and I mean

17:46

this in the most loving way possible. But

17:49

so often, we as parents can devolve

17:52

into very childlike behavior when our

17:54

children are acting out, and all of a sudden,

17:56

we're throwing our own tantrum and that

17:58

is not helping 30. And

18:00

I say that from personal experience. We

18:02

can also feel this need

18:04

to prove to our kids that were boss.

18:07

Which reminds me of something that

18:09

Dene Barahona, one of our guests. She

18:12

did an episode on Powerstruggles and she

18:14

said you don't have to show your kids whose boss

18:16

they already know. And

18:18

that has stayed with me. Our kids

18:20

already know that we're the boss. So when

18:23

your kid is saying awful things to you,

18:25

be the adults. As 30 Jacobs,

18:28

another former podcast guest would say,

18:30

stay safe. And what that means

18:33

is continue to be loving, continue

18:35

to be respectful, continue

18:37

to be mature, continue to

18:39

be the safe, stable person

18:41

in the 30, You

18:43

are modeling for them what it looks like to control

18:45

your anger when you stay safe

18:48

30 as they are saying awful words

18:50

at you. I haven't always been good at this you

18:52

guys. When noah was about three,

18:54

he went through a phase where he would say that he

18:56

hated me 30 I'm kind of embarrassed

18:59

to admit this now, but I would wash his

19:01

mouth with soap. I wouldn't

19:03

actually like go full on with the

19:05

soap bar or anything. I would just like put

19:07

a little soap on my hands and shred

19:10

them up and run them underwater just so there's like

19:12

little 30 and then I would like wipe his mouth.

19:14

And I felt like I was like, I have

19:16

to show him whose boss, I have to show him

19:19

that that's not okay. And now looking

19:21

back on it, I feel like Rachel, how

19:23

fragile can you be? That you would let

19:25

a three year old words impact

19:27

you that much that you would act like

19:29

a child in return. And I

19:32

do not say that to shame anybody who

19:34

has done than that. Because we've all

19:36

been at our wit's end, we've all felt that

19:38

urge. To show our kids whose boss

19:40

and to make them feel the pain of what

19:42

they have done, But in

19:45

my experience, at least with my very

19:47

strong world intense kiddo, that

19:49

never helped. It only

19:51

hurt. It made him more 30. And like

19:53

I mentioned in that Instagram live, it

19:56

made him fixate on me and

19:58

me being mean. And how I was

20:00

at fault instead of thinking

20:03

about his own behavior and learning

20:05

about how to regulate his emotions better.

20:07

All of a sudden, it was you were so 30,

20:09

you just put soap in my mouth, and there was

20:12

no connection to what had led

20:14

to that, if that makes sense. Staying

20:16

safe, staying calm, refusing to

20:18

devolve into hysterics when your

20:20

kids say mean things to you is

20:23

a way of showing them that they can

20:25

trust you, because you

20:27

are stable and steady and you are going

20:29

to live by your values. No matter

20:31

what they throw at you, It's not

20:33

gonna cause you to break from your values. The

20:36

second takeaway, when your kids act out,

20:38

they hurl mean words or they say they hate you

20:40

is validate the emotions. All

20:44

emotions are okay, even

20:46

if not all behaviors are okay.

20:48

And that is a direct quote from a

20:50

podcast guest Georgia Anderson. Her

20:53

episode on emotion coaching literally

20:55

changed my life. It's how I learned how

20:57

to do this with Noah and it change

20:59

the trajectory of our relationship. I

21:02

will link George's episode as well

21:04

as Danae Barahona's episode on Powerstruggles.

21:06

I'll link those both in the show notes. But let

21:08

me say that again. All emotions are okay,

21:11

even if not all behaviors are okay.

21:13

And you can teach your kids that. So

21:16

you're not saying you have a free pass to

21:18

hit, to scream mean words, all those

21:20

things, but you are saying the emotions

21:22

that you feel are okay and let's learn

21:25

new better ways to express

21:27

them that aren't hurtful to other

21:29

people. But that has to happen a lot

21:31

of times in conversations after the fact. That

21:33

has to happen proactively, that has to happen

21:35

through your modeling of how to deal with emotions.

21:38

And over time, your kids will

21:40

get better at this. I know that

21:42

that's true because it's happened for my children,

21:45

and it's happened for my Noah. He has gotten

21:48

so much better. I'll see him take a deep

21:50

breath. And self regulate, he's

21:52

learned how to coach himself when

21:54

he's starting to get angry and it

21:56

is incredibly impactful

21:59

to watch him do that and to see that all

22:01

the work that he and I have done together has

22:04

really started to pay off in the way that he can

22:06

regulate himself and I really

22:08

feel like he's learned a lot of it

22:10

from the modeling that I have worked so hard

22:12

to do, to show him what to

22:14

do when he's angry, instead of lashing

22:16

out and saying 30 hurtful

22:18

things. I think something that's true of all

22:20

human beings, kids and adults. Is

22:23

that sometimes when we're really hurting, we just

22:25

want someone else to hurt too. And that's

22:27

why sometimes when you're fighting with your partner,

22:29

I don't know if you've noticed this about yourself, but

22:31

I definitely have As the argument

22:33

goes on, you kind of start to say meaner

22:35

and meaner things like more cutting,

22:38

more cutting because you're hurting

22:40

and you want them to hurt too. And

22:42

this is not an admirable human

22:45

30, but I think that it's 30. And as adults,

22:48

we have the ability to see what's happening

22:50

to stop and pause and say, I'm

22:52

not gonna go down that route. But as

22:54

kids, I think that's what's happening

22:56

a lot of times for them. When they lash out, when they

22:58

use these really big mean hurtful words,

23:01

It's because something inside of them hurt so

23:03

much that they wanna show that.

23:05

They wanna use words that will show

23:07

just how angry they are. Just how

23:10

in pain they are and they want you

23:12

to hurt as well. So they're gonna pull out

23:14

the meanest thing that they can think to say

23:17

and they're gonna say it to you. And

23:19

in response, you don't have to meet

23:21

their anger with anger or shame

23:23

or anything else. You can say something like

23:26

wow, you are so frustrated right

23:28

now. Or one of my favorite one

23:30

word responses is ouch.

23:33

To show them, like, your words hurt 30,

23:36

and then that sort of gets them to think

23:38

a little bit about it. You might say

23:40

something like, wow, that is an angry

23:42

word. Or you want to say

23:45

words that show how big your anger is right

23:47

now. I believe you.

23:49

You are furious. Those

23:51

are just some things that you might want to say to younger

23:53

kids to validate the emotion while it's happening.

23:56

You're not going to validate the behavior and

23:58

later you can address it. But in that

24:00

moment, you just have to help them understand

24:02

what's happening with them. Because I

24:04

truly believe that kids are scared

24:06

of their own big emotions. They

24:09

feel out of control. When they're that angry,

24:11

they recognize it's not okay. They feel out

24:13

of control. And they need an adult

24:16

to basically say to them. This

24:18

is what you're feeling and

24:20

I'm not afraid of it. By being willing

24:23

to love them through it, you're essentially saying,

24:25

I'm not afraid of your big emotions and

24:27

they are never going to be too much for me.

24:30

I am right here, right with you,

24:32

we're gonna figure this out together. My

24:34

third and final takeaway is this, get

24:36

outside support for yourself and

24:38

for your child, especially if

24:41

your child has a persistent pattern

24:44

of lashing out, of having huge

24:46

rage, of having these really

24:48

intense emotions, get

24:50

help. You heard in that Instagram live

24:53

that I found a counselor for my

24:55

Noah. And the way that I found that

24:57

is I just googled play therapist,

25:00

and the name of our town. And a couple

25:02

of different play therapists came up, I looked at

25:04

their websites, and I found one that

25:06

I thought would be good fit I called and I made

25:08

the initial consult appointment with her and talked

25:10

through with her. I really liked her and then Noah started

25:12

going. He went about

25:15

twice a month for 30

25:17

six months when his rage was the biggest,

25:19

probably when he was around seven. And then

25:21

we kind of weaned it down over time.

25:23

I've done something similar in recent years

25:26

when I noticed that he was struggling in some social

25:28

settings. He's gone into middle school. I

25:31

googled social pragmatics, which

25:34

is a term I learned from my aunt who's

25:36

an occupational therapist. You can use

25:38

that term too. It's essentially teaching

25:41

kids social skills, teaching kids

25:43

how to interact with others

25:45

in socially appropriate ways. I

25:47

googled social pragmatics in the name of

25:49

my 30, and I found a great educator

25:52

to do some coaching with Noah

25:54

about this. You can ask your pediatrician

25:57

if they have any resources that they would recommend.

25:59

I would also add that if your child

26:02

has consistent, intense

26:04

emotions, anger, outbursts. You

26:07

might ask your pediatrician if they can have

26:09

a neuropsychological evaluation to see if

26:11

they're something going on like ADHD, sensory

26:13

processing disorder, autism. It's

26:15

so hard to know when your kids are little, what's

26:18

just typical kid behavior versus

26:20

what might be atypical and that can keep

26:22

us from asking for those evaluations for

26:24

a long time. But here's the

26:26

thing, the sooner that you find out

26:28

if your kid has some additional needs, the sooner

26:31

you can start getting interventions for them.

26:33

I have discovered in later years

26:35

that Noah has ADHD. I wish

26:37

that I would have known that sooner. I

26:40

had concerns for years before I

26:42

30 had him tested. And I do think

26:44

that if I had known about that diagnosis

26:46

and read about it because ADHD is

26:48

not just hyperactivity, it's so much more

26:51

than that. I could have gotten him

26:53

support and help sooner that would have made

26:55

a big difference in our family sooner, if that

26:57

makes sense. So seek outside support

26:59

for your child and for yourself? I've

27:02

had moms ask me how I explained counseling

27:05

to Noah. And the way that I

27:07

did that when he was six, seven, when we first

27:09

started, is I called his counselor and

27:11

emotions teacher. And I just

27:13

told him, you know, we all go to school and

27:15

we learn about math and science

27:18

and 30. But nobody

27:20

really teaches us about our emotions

27:22

and how to manage it when we have big feelings.

27:25

I told him, as an adult, I

27:28

went to see a counselor, that's an emotions

27:30

30, And she taught me

27:32

what to do with my really big feelings. It's made

27:34

a really big difference in my life. And

27:37

so I found you an emotions teacher

27:39

that's going to help you do the same. And this

27:41

is something that everybody in our family can

27:43

do at some point if they 30 it. And

27:46

you know what? He didn't really bulk at that.

27:48

I think that this Digma that we

27:50

attach to counseling, children

27:52

don't feel that. It might be harder

27:54

with a 30 or a teenager to kind

27:56

of encourage them to go You

27:59

could use some similar wording pointing out to them

28:01

that these are things that are not taught in school,

28:03

pointing out to them that you have had to do your

28:05

own work and you would love to help them

28:07

to get that support sooner. But

28:10

there are ways to make sure that your child is getting

28:12

the help and the support that they need if

28:14

their outbursts are frequent

28:16

and intense. And I do

28:18

just want to encourage you that

28:20

all of this hard work, this staying

28:22

patient, this staying safe, This

28:25

being sturdy and allowing your kids

28:27

to hurl their mean words at you without taking

28:29

it overly personally, it all

28:31

pays off. I already mentioned

28:34

that, but my noah has gotten so

28:36

much better at regulating his emotions and

28:39

it's incredibly rewarding for me to see.

28:41

So if you have a little one or

28:44

bigger one who is inclined to

28:46

say I hate you or to throw me in words at

28:48

you, Remember these three takeaways.

28:51

First, be the adult. That

28:53

means staying safe, staying respectful,

28:55

refusing to stoop to childlike overly

28:58

harsh behavior that will honestly just make

29:00

your child more angry with you instead of giving

29:02

your child the opportunity to reflect

29:04

on their own behavior. Second takeaway

29:07

is to validate the emotions. Remember

29:09

that all emotions are okay, even if

29:11

not all behaviors are okay, and it's

29:13

important for you to show your kids that

29:16

no emotion is too scary for you

29:18

to stay with them. And third and

29:20

finally, get your child outside support

29:23

if you see a pattern in the ways that they

29:25

are managing their emotions. Do

29:27

some googling, ask a pediatrician for

29:30

30, ask the school for 30, and

29:32

get them to help them the support that they need.

29:35

My friends, I hope this informal episode,

29:37

this story from my life, this 30 back

29:39

in time, walked down 30 Has

29:42

been meaningful to you, I will link some

29:44

additional resources for you in the show notes if

29:46

you wanna dive deeper into this topic. You

29:48

are a good mom and your kids are so lucky

29:51

that they have you. I hope you have a beautiful

29:53

week with your family.