5:59

lot of them in a lot of them are well

6:03

know is is everybody is is

6:05

black women white woman asian

6:07

women latino women whatever is left

6:10

like this just a lot did just a lot

6:12

that comes up so yeah it a try

6:14

to use it but i am that nicole

6:16

i don't really adult smash my

6:18

fangio like i don't lay out there is show

6:21

alcan melee jail as go get

6:23

somewhere like this nothing sexy it's a me

6:26

then going to my bed alone

6:28

and sleep in that is the sexiest

6:31

ah shit ever i get to sleep

6:33

alone i'll have to entertain is random

6:35

person at all the east play mojito

6:37

the watches you warrior diseases

6:40

this is a great night for me

6:42

all these that i don't have the couldn't work

6:44

it a sweat a lot auto have to excrete

6:47

extra sweat ah may

6:49

why

6:50

ah that that alone mainly alarm

6:52

at ah let me ask questions

6:54

after the climax and okay you

6:56

have could see me and the com a regular

6:58

og det pray for me this is this is i

7:00

represent it has but he knows what

7:03

he yeah knows where like knows

7:05

that you know what i am okay so

7:07

okay ah would put our it i'll

7:09

whip it out into what and that not designer levels

7:11

a weapon it out on the plane i will do that trust

7:14

me i have a little bit more i'll have reserve

7:16

bank you hey appreciate that

7:18

by ah would would out at places like

7:20

my parents' house light yellow is it was

7:22

cool you was live in a a be mad at you

7:25

are grown up was kind of weird it's not weird for

7:27

me

7:27

ah now we're at all odds are

7:29

whip it out at our do it

7:32

but i'll try to mascot like outside of mass

7:34

my climax what a sneeze yo try to mask

7:36

the a climax what a sneeze before now

7:39

kind of sounds like this i hear goes

7:42

okay archer ah

7:46

oh and i'm i'm not like less

7:48

you hum lae getty you have

7:50

no idea that

7:51

you have no idea what

7:54

on earth you are blessing mama

7:56

mama you a blessing you have been

7:58

lessing of Day-nut, that's

8:01

what you're doing. Your

8:03

mom just thinks you have really bad allergies

8:05

and you're just coming all the time. It sneezes out

8:07

all my life, people think I just do it cause I'm

8:10

sneezing out, no bitches, I'm doing

8:12

it cause I'm covering up, covering up

8:14

what I'm really doing.

8:15

So

8:19

are you single right now?

8:21

I am not married. Are you dating?

8:24

I'm dating, I'm dating. I'm not married,

8:26

but you know, I am dating

8:28

and I'm super particular, you

8:30

know, because, you

8:33

know, I've thought that I had the one,

8:36

you're gonna say, to everybody listening to this

8:38

podcast, you're gonna say you found

8:40

the one at least six or seven times

8:43

before you get it right. At

8:44

least six or seven times. That's seventh,

8:47

eighth. I buy that. Yeah, about that seventh, eighth,

8:49

it's like, all right, I've been here, okay,

8:51

buy, buy, buy the seventh, eighth time, you're just like, okay,

8:54

whatever's left, I'll take it. Like, that's how

8:56

you feel. That's

8:58

how you feel because it is such,

9:00

it's not an easy, it

9:02

is definitely not an easy platform out

9:05

here, environment, dating. It's

9:07

really not, you know, everybody,

9:10

nobody is disingenuous,

9:12

people are being spurious with everything, nobody

9:15

wants to keep it 100

9:15

with you. So, you know, I

9:19

gotta say, when this robot revolution takes

9:21

over, some of y'all might be out of a job.

9:24

I'm just letting you know, shoot, you

9:27

can satisfy me and you can cook

9:29

and clean shit. I'm Mary and Rosie from

9:31

Jesses, forget you. Rosie the robot?

9:34

Rosie the robot. You tryin' to get yourself a rosie. Hell yeah, I'm tryin' to

9:36

get a rosie, man. Doesn't

9:38

complain, doesn't ask me a million questions

9:41

while we try to watch the game, like, who is this,

9:43

who is that? I'm like, you should know this already,

9:45

you should know this. I'm not gonna explain this to

9:47

you. I'm tryin' to keep up because I'm confused

9:50

as well. I only chime in during playoffs,

9:53

okay? I chime in during the playoffs. So stop

9:55

askin' me all these damn questions, please. Hit

9:57

up.

9:58

Now you could just power Rosie down when the- the game

10:00

is on, turn her right back on and be like, clean up

10:02

these fucking chips. Clean up these chips. And

10:04

then after you finish at the end of the night, slide

10:06

that bit right under the bed like ain't nothing

10:09

happened. Ha ha

10:10

ha. Ha ha. I'm mad you don't

10:12

even let Rosie in the bed. Nah, yeah, just. You said

10:14

you don't slide her under the bed. Slide her under the

10:16

bed. Goodbye, Rosie. She'll be out tomorrow.

10:18

She'll be out tomorrow. She got to work again. She'll be

10:20

out. Ha ha ha ha ha. After

10:24

you got notoriety, like

10:27

you got SNL in 2009?

10:29

Did

10:32

the amount of women in your DMs

10:34

are throwing themselves at you, did that change? Oh,

10:36

of course. It was virtually nothing at first.

10:39

And I was a nobody. I was working

10:42

at Burlington Co-Factory. People had seen

10:44

me. Of course, Charlie Murphy took me on

10:46

a road when I was 19. But yeah,

10:48

they hadn't. SNL was like that first

10:51

burst of whatever. Of course, when I did

10:53

BET before that, I did the

10:56

package and another thing up there called

10:58

Spring Bling. You remember Spring Bling back in the day?

11:01

Yeah, I hosted that 2010. You

11:03

hosted it? Yeah. OK. So I saw Chris

11:06

Brown, Yo Gotti, Young Jock

11:08

before the Purge. He got the anti-Purge

11:11

now. He got the split. He

11:14

looked like your favorite Southern art.

11:16

You know what I mean? It looks like

11:19

his swagger comes with a, mm-hmm. It

11:21

looks like that's what happens.

11:24

But before that, yeah, they weren't.

11:26

Of course, a couple of ladies were like, yo, cute

11:28

or whatever. But it wasn't to

11:31

the numbers of folks hitting

11:33

me up

11:33

in the DMs after I premiered

11:36

on the show. I debuted on the show. It

11:38

was crazy. But I was in a relationship

11:40

for four years, my

11:42

first four years down there on the show. So I

11:45

wasn't even looking at anybody. Well, not

11:47

until summer 2013. That's

11:49

another story.

11:50

I just, you know. Oh.

11:52

What happened in the summer of 2013? In

11:55

summer 2013, I looked up. That's

11:58

what happened. I looked up like this. I didn't know. At

12:01

first, you hold your head down like

12:03

this when you're in a relationship because you feel

12:06

like a dog. You feel like a dog. It's like

12:08

bad boy. You're like, all right, I'm not looking. I wasn't

12:10

looking. I wasn't looking. But

12:13

when you get, when that leash, when that

12:15

leash come loose and then you can

12:17

start tapping, you start

12:18

walking around like this, when you see a

12:20

dog, when he goes like this, he's looking at the world.

12:23

He can see everything. If he's just going like this, he

12:25

ain't seeing shit. But like this, I

12:27

saw all the wop in the world. It was just

12:29

a new,

12:30

wappy world I saw. And

12:32

I was like, I did not know you made

12:35

all of this wop, Jesus. Is

12:37

this for me? Like, hallelujah,

12:39

are you blessing me to have this wop?

12:42

You know what I mean? And let me say this

12:44

too. At first, I thought wop meant wheelchair

12:46

accessible parking, my ignorant ass.

12:49

It sure doesn't. But it does not because my

12:51

grandmother told me she had one and

12:53

I was like, yo, son, yeah. I

12:55

was like, yo, she was like, I got a wop with

12:57

wheelchair accessible parking. I was like, that's not what

12:59

it means. I said, grandma, that's not what it means. I

13:01

said, Gertrude, it means this. She was like, oh,

13:04

well, to say I got that two for two. I

13:06

said, Lord Jesus, this is crazy. My grandma

13:09

just told me she got a wop. She didn't say

13:11

that. She didn't say that. I

13:13

wish she did, though. It'd be so funny. She

13:15

said, I got two for two.

13:18

It's funny that you say that you were looking down

13:21

because you were in a relationship and on a leash

13:23

and then like looked up and you were like, oh, there's

13:25

a whole world that I'm not exploring. Honestly,

13:28

it sounds like you got out of a very toxic relationship.

13:30

It was like, OK, all right.

13:33

I feel like

13:34

she didn't understand how toxic

13:36

she was making it with me. But

13:39

you know, in retrospect, when you look back, like,

13:41

of course, I still like, like, she's great. I

13:44

love her. Whatever, you know, we're still cool. We're

13:46

still cool to this day. You all didn't work together. We

13:48

didn't work. And that's OK. We didn't

13:50

work. And look, sometimes you don't work with people at the time because, you

13:52

know, your mindsets are different.

13:54

You know, the money and

13:57

the entity was Jay Farrow. was

14:00

like, if you're

14:02

causing me problems every

14:04

week,

14:05

if you're making up scenarios

14:07

just so we can fight and have something to talk

14:10

about,

14:10

well, that ain't a, that's not

14:12

helping me write my skiddits and sketches.

14:16

You know what I mean?

14:17

No, it's like, I don't want material

14:19

like that. I don't wanna fight with

14:21

you to then try to turn it into something funny.

14:24

But I will tell you something. When we broke, when

14:26

we went, we went on a break and then finally

14:28

decimated whatever, or the end of the

14:30

relationship. But

14:32

I did write a sketch based off of

14:34

me and her problem. What

14:37

does my girl say? That was all based

14:39

off of,

14:40

that was based off of me and her. Like, who

14:42

that bitch? Like that was me

14:45

imitating her. And

14:47

then Kerry Washington did it. Luckily,

14:50

she came in and she smashed it. But, and

14:52

that saved my job. Ultimately,

14:56

what was boiling up and

14:58

what would have happened, a swift exodus

15:01

from the job, if I would have been even more stressed

15:03

out,

15:04

that stress of breaking up

15:06

in that situation caused the diamond

15:08

to come out of it. And it really saved my

15:11

SNL career, which is crazy.

15:14

That is pretty wild that like, I

15:16

mean, I just said, it's like, you don't wanna fight with someone for material,

15:19

but then like when it does happen

15:21

and it's magical, you're like, all

15:23

right, maybe I was supposed to be here. Maybe this

15:25

shit was supposed to happen. Maybe I was supposed

15:27

to feel bad for a little bit. So then I could have this

15:29

like hugely successful

15:32

sketch and like have people be like, oh shit,

15:34

like this person's really fucking killing

15:36

it or

15:36

whatever. Life works in such

15:38

a weird fucked up way. Lord

15:41

works in mysterious ways. And

15:43

look, that's not the only time

15:45

he saved me in the situation. I'll tell you this,

15:47

y'all might not bang with Donald Trump. And listen, I

15:49

don't bang with all of his stuff either. But

15:51

the relationship that I had in 2017

15:55

with the travel ban, when, cause

15:57

she was from another country and she...

15:59

kept going back and forth

16:01

and she kept trying. And one time she tried

16:03

to enter the country for the last time and they were

16:05

like, nah, you can't. She was hitting me up crying.

16:08

Hey, I can't get into the country, all of that. I

16:10

was like, oh, sorry

16:12

about that, but

16:14

make America great again. Exactly.

16:16

Oh, yeah. I

16:20

didn't know where the fuck that story was going. I know

16:22

you did. Where is this going with Donald Trump?

16:24

But honestly, you don't do

16:26

that bit on stage. That's

16:29

really funny. It's just like, I don't like

16:31

the man, but he kept this woman away from me. So,

16:33

okay. Hey, look, when he did that, I

16:35

was like, I had to go, hey, freedom crown

16:38

boys, what's up?

16:42

I'm serious, man. When

16:46

was your first relationship? Were you

16:48

a late bloomer and early bloomer?

16:51

What kind of bloomer was

16:52

you? I was an early bloomer

16:55

and then I had a drought for like,

16:58

I had a drought for like 10 years. Yeah.

17:02

So like I had a girlfriend when I was five

17:04

years old and then I had another one.

17:07

Five? Yeah. And then I had another

17:09

one at six.

17:10

And then it was just like, okay, you can't

17:12

get no more coochie. And it was like, no coochie for

17:14

seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. I

17:17

wasn't getting coochie anyway, cause I was a kid, I couldn't get it

17:19

up, but oh well. Yeah, you were five. All

17:21

right, well, eight, well, three years later, hello. Anyway,

17:25

so eight years old. That's

17:27

when I got my first erector crazy. Wow. All

17:30

right, so there was a drought. I'm

17:33

not joking, I'm dead ass. It

17:35

was a drought from six to 16. And

17:39

then when I was 16.

17:40

I

17:42

love that you say a drought. It's like, man, he

17:44

was just growing up. No, man, no. That

17:46

was a drought? Like, yo, but I

17:49

would say this, but the ladies, like they liked

17:51

me earlier. Like

17:53

earlier, like I was getting

17:55

attention. Like they was calling

17:58

me like, Lil Will Smith. Like I look,

17:59

I had my little box, like I used to look

18:02

like Will Smith back then. I

18:05

had my box, I had my LA gear pump

18:08

offs, I had my BK nights, I had

18:10

my overalls and my little, you know, I'm a little

18:12

party, my little kid in play part. So

18:14

I was, you know what I mean? Yo,

18:17

the teachers was on me, you know what I'm saying? So

18:19

what do you expect? You know,

18:22

so, you see what I did there? It wasn't the teachers.

18:24

I'm joking. It was not the teachers.

18:26

Shout out to Ms. Butler. Oh my God, she was so bad.

18:28

I had a crush on her. Anyway, back

18:30

to what I was saying. Okay,

18:32

so it was, I gained,

18:34

I gained mad weight when I was six years

18:37

old. And I think that really

18:39

had to do with it. Like I was just, I just became

18:41

super insecure and I wasn't as confident

18:44

as I was when I was younger. And

18:46

that confidence didn't come back until I

18:48

was, until I lost like 75

18:50

pounds in four months

18:52

of my senior year. And I was like, I was like 250

18:54

on with the 175. And

18:57

then it was just, it was back on. But I got my

18:59

first kiss, a big pop-up,

19:01

my birth kiss of the big pop-up when I was 16

19:04

years old.

19:06

That situation

19:08

didn't last because I was a bitch.

19:10

That's why I didn't last. Hit

19:13

a retro scratch. No, like, like

19:15

I was really, I was, I was a real

19:17

caring like gentleman, all of that.

19:20

Like really would, you know, I was a type, I

19:22

would give you flowers. I write like little nice

19:24

messages.

19:25

Women, they ain't like that. They

19:28

don't like that soft shit. So. Some

19:31

do. Okay, some do. But

19:34

yeah, that's after, that's after she gets fucked over

19:36

like 20 times and then she'll go for that guy.

19:39

She'll go for that dude. That's like nice and

19:41

sincere. She's like, oh, after,

19:43

oh, after I've been, oh, after

19:45

the miles of rain, that's when I'm ready to

19:48

give you the used car. And then, you

19:50

know, that's what, you

19:52

know what I'm saying? I'm

19:54

ready to give you the used car.

19:57

So, so like, you know,

19:59

girls don't.

19:59

They don't appreciate that until

20:02

later in life. But I had all of those qualities

20:05

of a 45, 39-year-old good

20:09

husband

20:10

at an early age, like

20:12

eight and seven and stuff. I was just thinking

20:15

like that. I was really thoughtful.

20:17

So yeah, I was a bitch,

20:19

in other words, and shing. And

20:22

I called too much. I got a number.

20:24

And I remember, I was so, I don't know why,

20:26

because I was so excited. I had never,

20:28

I never got a George number before like

20:30

that. So I

20:33

would call up, five minutes,

20:36

hang up, call back, another five,

20:38

like, what the fuck? What are you doing? Yeah,

20:40

you can't be doing that. Yeah, you

20:43

bugging the, you bugging the George. So

20:45

I, but I didn't know, I didn't know, because I didn't, it

20:47

was all new to me. Now,

20:50

you'd be lucky if I hit your ass.

20:52

You'd be lucky if I hit your ass up

20:54

every other day. You'd be lucky. No,

20:57

you got Rosie the robot under the bed.

20:59

You don't need to call nobody. Got Rosie, got

21:02

her, and got all of the Sailor

21:04

Moons up in. Listen, man. Listen,

21:07

man.

21:07

All of the Sailor Moons, Sailor Mercury,

21:10

Sailor Mars, Mars,

21:12

Mars, Sailor Jupiter. We know

21:14

that's just another word for porn stars. Come

21:16

on. Okay, what are we talking about

21:18

here? I'm just joking.

21:19

So when you lost weight,

21:22

do you think you got

21:24

more confident? Swag. You

21:26

said when you were heavier, you weren't confident.

21:28

Not at all. So you lost

21:31

it, gained a little confidence. Yup.

21:33

And started, and the cycle started over again. Like

21:35

the cycle start like 17, 17 to eight, 17

21:40

to 18. I remember, because when I was 18, I got, I

21:43

got another relationship with

21:44

this girl who was a blood in a strip of

21:46

God, God, home of God.

21:48

And she had told me that to three months into the release.