0:00

The following podcast is a Dear Media

0:02

Production.

0:06

Welcome to the absolutely not

0:08

pie webcast, where we do the most and

0:10

the least at this same damn time. I'm

0:12

your host, Heather McMahon.

0:16

notify. Hello,

0:21

ladies and

0:22

gentlemen, and welcome to another episode

0:24

of the abs absolutely not podcast.

0:27

I'm your host, Heather McMan. How are

0:29

you? I'm recording this in the

0:31

middle of the night. It's midnight.

0:34

And, you know,

0:35

I just needed to take a minute

0:38

and record this in the quiet

0:40

without the chaos of my house. And

0:42

You know, I come down here sometimes

0:44

in the morning and record it, but

0:47

I got to fly to New York tomorrow.

0:50

So I am down here. I lit a

0:52

candle. I've got the lights low.

0:54

I've

0:54

got my Yummy, missus Eat

0:56

Well, cheater

0:57

print, full cheater suit.

0:59

and I'm cozy. I've got a

1:01

fuzzy sock from Old Navy on. You know what I

1:04

mean? That's where I'm at.

1:05

I wanna check-in with y'all and I

1:07

can't wait to get to the absolute not.

1:10

hotline because a lot of y'all called in

1:12

with some crazy shit this week. But

1:14

I wanted to take a quick

1:16

second and do an emotional check-in

1:19

with everyone because I

1:21

feel like I. Wellness

1:23

update. and

1:25

not well.

1:27

I don't know

1:30

what's going on. I feel like I've been in a little

1:32

bit of a funk and I don't mean to start the podcast

1:34

off on a serious note, but I don't

1:36

know how to get out. I

1:38

went to Florida. I had five great

1:40

shows. They were fantastic. I had

1:42

so much fun. The audiences were so

1:45

amazing. I'm loving the new material. You

1:47

know, it's not a creative rut. I feel like

1:49

I'm in the right spot. but

1:51

I'm short with everybody in my family. I've

1:53

been short with my my love.

1:56

I've been short with everything. And,

1:59

you know, I've realized

2:01

I'm one person, and

2:04

I can't do everything.

2:06

And I'm I've been trying to be good at

2:08

delegating, but I

2:10

don't know what I gotta do

2:12

to get out of this bunk. You

2:15

know what? I know we go through seasons in life. And

2:17

everything has been up, up, up, up, even during the pandemic.

2:19

Like, yeah, it was stressful, but it's been up, up, up.

2:22

And I just

2:24

feel like the more things that I

2:26

pile on professionally

2:31

while it's exciting for me, it

2:33

has put major strains on so

2:35

many relationships in my life of

2:37

just the busier

2:39

I get, the more people even need for me

2:41

outside of that. And I probably

2:43

should not turn this into a podcast episode,

2:45

and I should just call my therapist. I've been trying to

2:49

link up with this therapist. In

2:52

Florida, who my friend suggested

2:54

I talk to and I have texted this woman,

2:56

and she and I have gone back and forth with, like, witty

2:59

banter, and she I

3:01

send her gifts, her gifts

3:04

of, like, you know, Kim Zolciak

3:06

lightened up a cigarette in a convertible.

3:08

And I'm like, can't wait to talk to you next week, and

3:10

then she has to reschedule And I'm at the

3:12

point where I'm like, I need this

3:13

bitch from Florida, if can call me back. You

3:15

know what I mean?

3:16

I need an hour

3:18

to myself that is not recorded

3:20

for public consumption, I e this podcast

3:23

because I sometimes abuse this as like my

3:25

own therapy session even though I think it's discarded

3:27

for other people. but I need to

3:29

talk to somebody, you know, professionally

3:31

right now. And

3:32

I was really excited to talk to a bitch from Florida because

3:35

let me tell you something right now. You wanna know who has

3:37

great advice and also horrific advice,

3:40

at the same time, Floridians.

3:43

You've never felt an energy.

3:46

like a West Palm Beach Energy.

3:48

And let me tell

3:49

you what, we were there. We were there

3:51

this weekend. Great shows. But

3:54

you know what I mean? In a crowd of four hundred

3:56

and fifty people packed into a comedy club,

3:58

there's like ten of them that are suss.

4:00

And that's just Florida. And

4:02

I'm from Georgia and I feel like as

4:04

a neighboring state, I can say

4:07

that. It's like people from New Jersey

4:09

and New York can beef and that's their shit.

4:11

I'm allowed to fucking peel

4:13

back the layers of

4:16

the, you

4:16

know,

4:17

the the nuances

4:19

of fluidity in life.

4:22

And West Palm Beach is a wild place.

4:24

Lots of money. But

4:26

then if you also like turn the corner

4:28

no money, you know what I'm saying? Also,

4:31

it was Tiffany Trump's wedding

4:33

this weekend. We were not invited. Don't

4:36

know why. Can't imagine why I was not invited

4:38

to that. But I'll tell you what.

4:40

The photos of Donald, her

4:42

father, just with a

4:44

thumbs up in every fucking

4:46

wedding photo. I don't care what your

4:48

political stance is. I would rather

4:50

my father be dead. I eat my

4:52

dad as dead than if my real life

4:54

father would have done a thumbs up in every

4:56

single one of my

4:57

wedding photos.

4:59

you know, that's a dark joke

5:01

to make. But I was looking at these

5:03

photos of Dif Trump, and I'm like, this

5:05

motherfucker has a thumb up in

5:07

every single photo. And then, like,

5:09

nobody in the family voters are touching and

5:11

that was odd to me. It was

5:13

odd. It was odd. But we

5:15

drove past Mar a Lago. And,

5:19

you know, you just felt an energy shift.

5:21

Being on actual Palm Beach Island

5:23

you feel an energy shift. But then when you

5:25

cross the bridge and you're back to, like, where

5:27

normal folks are, I mean, I was still

5:29

across from, like, a restoration hardware. So don't,

5:31

like, I was still living a bougie

5:34

shrimp cocktail, cloud

5:37

couch kind of vibe. But

5:39

as soon as you crossed over that bridge

5:42

over to where, like, the breakers hotel

5:44

is and these, like, quintillion

5:47

multi, multi million dollar homes are.

5:49

You just felt an

5:50

energy shift. You felt like

5:52

everybody's dad or step dad.

5:54

would be in their wedding photo with just a thumbs

5:56

up and nobody hugs and

5:58

no

5:58

one knows how to talk about their

5:59

emotion. You know what I mean? And

6:02

everyone has veneers.

6:03

You know exactly what I'm talking

6:06

about. Everyone has veneers and

6:08

no one is speaking to each other. And

6:11

that, my friends,

6:12

is what you call. America.

6:13

But

6:15

yeah, I've been in an emotional funk

6:18

and I was real I need to get on the books

6:20

with this Floridian therapist. I

6:22

don't know why she lives in Florida, but

6:24

and

6:24

I think I told y'all this, but the first

6:26

time I my friend hooked me up with her I

6:28

sent her a message, and it was a little frantic. It

6:30

was right before my wedding, and I was spiraling, and

6:32

I was having like a very stressful moment.

6:35

And I text this woman because that, you know,

6:37

that's the best way apparently to get in

6:39

touch with professionals these days.

6:41

And I texted her and

6:43

I was like, hey, girl, I was you I

6:45

was referred to you by, let's say, Michelle.

6:47

Michelle, she said, you're fantastic. I

6:49

just have a lot on my plate and I think it's, you know, great

6:51

to not bitch about it to my family members and talk

6:53

to somebody. So anyways, I'm a comedian,

6:56

but not like a sad comedian, happy.

7:00

You know what I mean? Like, I'm not gonna do anything

7:02

crazy. Like, I'm not like a depressed

7:04

convenient. I'm I laugh all

7:06

the time. Literally in cab side, but

7:08

full of joy with, like, sixty

7:11

five emojis of, like, the blonde

7:13

headed woman in the purple shirt with her hands up,

7:15

like, I know now. Happy,

7:17

happy, happy, happy,

7:19

so happy. Maybe

7:22

that's why. Maybe she's like, I can already

7:24

clinically diagnose this woman's fucking

7:26

unhinged and insane.

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what am I looking for? Dermatologist, when

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you're like, bitch, that's a year from now. I don't have

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Again, that's zoc Z0CD0C

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I've talked to a lot of my girlfriends recently,

10:39

though, like sidebar conversations,

10:40

and they're all in this weird spot.

10:42

And if you're not in a weird spot, I want

10:44

you to know, go be a freebird.

10:47

you know, rollerblade in

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the dark with your panties

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don't listen to me. Fast forward just to

11:00

the voicemails. But it

11:03

has

11:03

felt like there's been a little bit of a weird

11:05

energy shift and I know I get weird this

11:07

time every year. I'm basically the

11:09

dad in my family now and I gotta plan

11:11

Christmas and I'm planning Thanksgiving, where we're

11:13

going, what we're doing, who's house sitting, who's

11:15

watching the dogs. You know what I mean? There's there's

11:17

a million things to coordinate. My mom

11:19

just had fucking cataract surgery.

11:22

And sweet, Jeffrey took her door appointment,

11:24

and I just thought that was so sweet. And he was

11:26

there for, like, six hours locked in this,

11:29

like, eye clinic. And of course,

11:31

Robin is so fucking terrible at details. So

11:33

the surgery's at nine thirty. They show up

11:35

at, like, six forty five in the morning. not

11:37

necessary. You

11:39

know,

11:39

and Jeff's text to me. I'm taken off from Wes

11:42

Palm and Jeff's text to me. He's like, they're not gonna take her

11:44

back till eleven AM. he's

11:46

like, I'm gonna fucking kill everybody here. They won't

11:48

let me leave and get a Chick fil A biscuit or a

11:50

fucking bagel. So he was angry. So

11:52

the emotions are flying. And I'm

11:54

like, can you just handle situation. I'm in

11:56

Florida. I did five Joseph fucking

11:58

weekend,

11:59

and I'm

12:00

out here fighting humidity.

12:03

homophobia, for who,

12:05

I don't know, you know,

12:07

but you can't say gay in Florida. So and

12:09

I had two gays with me. So

12:11

You know,

12:11

I was throwing bows.

12:14

But then I got I landed

12:16

in Atlanta, and as soon as I came home,

12:18

I just gotten that came in the house with,

12:20

like, this horrible fucking energy.

12:22

Gave Jeff

12:22

a kiss and I went upstairs that I just

12:25

started, like, ripping through fucking

12:27

laundry and swiffering

12:29

aggressively And I don't

12:31

know. I think it's because I'm gone all the time that

12:33

when I come home, I have like one

12:35

Monday to get my life into order. And

12:37

then I repack, and then I leave the

12:39

next day. and it's a very

12:41

weird nesting energy. It's like I

12:43

come home and I wanna reorganize the

12:45

closet, but I don't have time to do that. I have a

12:47

podcast to get done. I have three auditions. have

12:49

a pitch for this new show I'm trying to sell.

12:51

I've got edits to the comedy special, all

12:53

of this shit. Like, there's sixteen hours worth

12:56

of shit to be done. and I

12:58

just panic because I want. I'm

13:00

craving forty five

13:02

fucking minutes to do something

13:04

like I don't know, change

13:06

out all the hand soaps in each

13:08

bathroom and like fold towels.

13:10

Like, I watched a TikTok about

13:12

how having just a loose hand

13:14

towel you know, a communal

13:16

fucking hand

13:16

towel, which I don't

13:18

know why we haven't thought about this before.

13:20

A communal hand towel in the bathroom

13:22

is fucking disgusting. you

13:24

should have you can I saw this TikTok. You go

13:26

to the Dollar Store. Okay? You get a butt you

13:29

get like twenty little hand

13:31

towels, little small washcloths, roll

13:33

them up like like it's a hotel

13:35

luxury linen, put them on

13:36

a nice little medicine tray,

13:38

you know,

13:39

something nice and acrylic, maybe a silver

13:41

platter, put it in your bathroom.

13:43

get a small trash can next to

13:45

the sink, you know, one for your trash

13:47

or receptacle for your trash, and then like a nice,

13:49

maybe, wicker trash can, and that's where you

13:51

throw your little hand towels. And

13:53

then that way,

13:54

you're not, you

13:55

know, wiping your ass, washing your

13:58

hands, and then putting the residual doo

13:59

doo on the communal towel. And

14:01

let me tell you something right now. So we were

14:04

down in West Palm. We went to the breakers for a

14:06

drink after my Sunday show. My

14:09

friend, Tina obviously is there, and her

14:11

mom came up to the show. And

14:13

when Tina's mom and my mom, we

14:15

when we were all in Lake Como together, they went

14:18

to very, very exclusive hotel

14:20

where he stopped for a drink on the boat,

14:22

and both

14:22

of them came up, came up the

14:24

stairs with all of the napkins, you

14:26

know, that said the hotel on it. It was like

14:28

villa d'este, and they they were like,

14:31

guess what? We shoved about four

14:33

hundred of those Villa Daz state napkins

14:35

in our purses. And I'm like, we can't take

14:37

you fucking anywhere. So as soon as we

14:39

walked into the breakers, Tina her mom, she was, do

14:41

not fucking go to the bathroom and steal

14:43

all the monogrammed hand towels. We

14:46

are here, have some glass.

14:48

You

14:48

know, but that's

14:51

you

14:51

know, the hustler inside of you

14:53

goes, that's and you know,

14:55

in those kind of hotels, it's

14:57

not a monogrammed thick,

15:00

tarry cloth towel. It's a

15:02

really like twenty five inch

15:04

ply. Almost

15:06

paper towel, but it's soft. Like,

15:08

you could use it on your face and you don't

15:10

know where they make these. I think angels

15:12

from the Lord make these towels, but

15:14

everything has the stamp that says the

15:16

breakers poem beach. and because

15:19

Tina's mom didn't take any, I at least took

15:21

five. You know what I mean? I was like, this is

15:23

gonna be great. I'm gonna wrap up a

15:25

sandwich and then delta Skyclub, wrap it up. You're

15:27

not supposed to take the food out, but I'm

15:29

going to wrap that bad boy up, shove it in my

15:31

bag, so I have a little something to mind John on

15:33

the airplane. You

15:33

know, because a regular napkin or paper towel

15:35

cannot keep all

15:37

of the accoutrements from a sandwich

15:40

together one place. You know, a can, a

15:42

fancy, fucking. two hundred

15:44

ply, monogrammed

15:45

paper

15:46

towel from a five star

15:49

hotel at Kam,

15:51

But, anyways, back to my fun.

15:54

Florida, you know, did me so right

15:56

creatively and we had so much fun working out the

15:58

new stuff, but I don't know why just

16:00

come home. And I'm like, for

16:02

one day, I'm just

16:04

fucking like, I I got in my

16:06

closet today, and I was just sort of crying.

16:08

And I'm like, what's happening?

16:10

I

16:10

know I'm under a lot of stress professionally

16:12

of a lot of things that I have to get done.

16:14

That if I don't do it, it won't get done

16:16

because it rides on me.

16:17

You know, I'm the face. of it.

16:20

And I'm just

16:21

I don't know

16:23

what it is. I don't

16:25

know what it is right now. I'm

16:27

stressed with Jeff. I'm taking it out on

16:30

him. He's taking it out on me. My

16:32

mom's short. My

16:32

sister's short. Look, we're all just short.

16:34

And I think it's because it's stirring the

16:37

pot. I really genuinely think it's because the

16:39

holidays are a hard time. And I don't

16:41

always think I acknowledge it. Like I say to

16:43

myself and some of my friends, but I think

16:45

there's just been so much that's been

16:47

going on this year. You know,

16:49

professionally like finishing out

16:51

the tour and then having the big wedding in

16:54

Italy and the

16:56

special and it is

16:58

one

16:59

hundred percent coming to me right

17:02

now.

17:03

Why I'm overwhelmed?

17:04

Oh my god.

17:06

loser.

17:12

It's

17:12

because anytime.

17:14

I wanna have a conversation and

17:16

ask somebody for business advice,

17:19

life advice, fucking marriage

17:22

advice, I wanna call my dad

17:24

and I can't and

17:26

it's been interesting. I

17:28

we get really anxious

17:31

before the last farewell door, like,

17:33

before the shows. And it was just kind of like a

17:35

central nervous thing. Like, I couldn't eat

17:37

before the shows. And

17:40

working out all this new material about my

17:42

marriage, which

17:45

can't wait for Jeff to hear these jokes. but I

17:47

realized, you know, a lot of the last tour, I

17:49

kinda broke down about, like, how,

17:51

you know, my relationship with my dad and,

17:53

you know, there's so much dark humor

17:55

there. But I realized I was sitting at the airport

17:57

today just rough

17:59

and raw. Like hadn't even brushed my

18:02

hair wearing the same fucking three

18:04

three shirts and and

18:05

I have a oversized shirt that makes me look

18:08

like an absolute Denver

18:11

lesbian in the best way. a black t shirt which is

18:13

my uniform from lululemon in

18:15

my lululemon pants. Okay. So I'm lululemon

18:16

out and I'm sitting there with my hair in

18:19

a

18:19

messy bun. My hair extensions are hanging

18:22

on for your fucking life. And

18:24

I thought about it. I was

18:25

like, why would this new material

18:27

and starting this whole new tour have I not

18:30

had any anxiety. Like, I haven't had these, like, panic moments

18:32

before I go out on stage. And I and

18:34

I had a moment, and I'm working

18:36

this out with you guys. And I hope it's okay

18:38

that we're I'm

18:40

doing this on the

18:40

podcast. Oh my god. What the

18:43

fuck is happening? I

18:45

don't know

18:48

if because the

18:50

old material was about my

18:52

dad. And it

18:53

was some sort of weird,

18:55

like, trauma release. God, this

18:57

is supposed to be a comedy podcast, and I am

19:00

literally choking you.

19:05

I don't know

19:07

if

19:07

it's because

19:10

every day on stage, I would get

19:12

up and go and, like, describe a very

19:14

dramatic time in my life and obviously

19:16

it's very cathartic for me in a humorous way

19:18

to discuss it and I'm glad that I

19:20

shared that and I didn't

19:22

feel

19:22

sad. Like,

19:23

after I make jokes about my dad, I don't feel

19:26

sad. But I was sitting at the

19:28

West Palm Airport, and I and I would just

19:30

smelled. You know when you're, like, like, just

19:32

was my hygiene was not great this

19:34

morning, and I had just eaten like

19:36

a dry Starbucks breakfast sandwich.

19:38

And was

19:39

sitting there just like, ugh.

19:42

And it dawned on me in a weird way. I was like,

19:44

why haven't I had, like, these weird

19:46

anxious feelings? going

19:48

into the new material. And I think it's also a

19:50

beautiful, like, creative moment. Like, whenever you start

19:52

a new project, it's exciting in the

19:54

beginning stages of, like, there is

19:56

no fear because there's nothing to

19:58

lose. You're you're starting from scratch.

20:00

You know, if you get to the end of

20:02

the tour, and the next special and it's not

20:04

where it needs to be. Well, then it's a complete failure.

20:06

But I'm having so much fun

20:08

writing new shit and starting from

20:11

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23:41

I was sitting there going, maybe

23:43

I felt a certain way because

23:46

even though I was getting up on stage and

23:48

sharing the material, maybe it's

23:50

some weird subconscious,

23:53

deep

23:53

trauma bond down in my fucking,

23:55

you know, left day order

23:57

of my pussy.

24:00

This is

24:02

so

24:02

fucked up that talking

24:05

about it every night and

24:08

and and going through

24:10

that emotional, comedic

24:12

journey, maybe, like, oddly

24:14

took a toll on me and I, like, never

24:16

realized it. I don't fucking know. It's

24:18

already too deep and too layered. No.

24:21

It's too deep and too layered. I think maybe it's

24:23

just when I talked about the material, I

24:25

felt a lot of stress for it to

24:27

be perfect because I wanted to honor my

24:29

dad and honor the the memory. I don't

24:31

know. Fuck this. But guys, I'm

24:33

sorry. This

24:34

is why I need the speech

24:37

in Florida to call

24:39

me back because it's not

24:41

your job. do dissect what's

24:43

wrong with me. It's the

24:45

fucking holiday season. I already know that that's

24:47

what it is. I am feeling

24:49

spread then overwhelmed there's

24:51

also this, like, overwhelming sense of

24:53

pressure to do something.

24:55

When are you doing Thanksgiving? When

24:57

are you doing it? I I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

24:58

I'm gonna make a BLT and

25:01

sit in the dark and catch up

25:03

on the Beverly Hills

25:04

housewives and realize franchise

25:06

has gone to shit.

25:08

And then

25:08

I'm gonna get

25:10

really drunk on peanut

25:12

noir that goes fantastic.

25:15

with a very good BLT. And

25:18

I'm going to prank phone call Kathy

25:20

Hilton and Erica Jane just because

25:23

I can.

25:23

because why I've got a week off

25:25

in time on my hands?

25:28

Like, that's just what I wanna do.

25:30

And

25:30

can I say something a

25:31

real curveball to the right?

25:34

I used to love

25:37

turkey. Turkey

25:39

doesn't really fucking do it for me

25:41

anymore. Like I eat it,

25:43

but it doesn't hit

25:45

the spot. It doesn't

25:48

tickle my titti the way

25:49

it used to. I I've

25:51

always been kind of a steakhouse side kinda

25:53

gal. Like, I never really need stake,

25:55

I want the cream spinach, the macaroni and cheese, potatoes are

25:58

gotten, the wedge salad, the shrimp

25:59

cocktail, the

26:00

ahi tuna, the seafood sour. Like, I want

26:02

all of those things. But

26:05

I don't need the per se,

26:08

the

26:08

meat, you know, Arby's. We

26:10

got the meats. I don't want it.

26:12

I want the curly fries with the orsey

26:15

sauce, and I'm a heavy meat eater.

26:17

I just don't need it. I don't crave

26:19

it. So that's

26:19

another thing on

26:20

Thanksgiving and I like, You ain't

26:22

even over the turkey. How's that gonna be the turkey?

26:25

Enough. How big's your

26:27

turkey? I'm gonna take a

26:29

petite cornish hen. and

26:31

add that to my BLT. So now

26:33

it's

26:34

a CBLT or

26:36

just a Clint. You can even

26:38

take out the bacon. It's a corn ish

26:40

and lettuce tomato.

26:42

I'm toasted sourdough with duke's

26:45

mayo. Fuck me up.

26:46

Right? Doesn't it feel everything's competitive

26:48

in the holidays. When did you ever get a

26:50

sense? Tell me because you

26:51

tear keep, none of your fucking

26:53

business.

26:55

Nancy, none

26:56

of your business. Walk

26:59

away.

26:59

And Nancy's like, I I I'm

27:01

so sorry. I'm just actually reaching for

27:04

the same the same turkey

27:04

as you at this whole foods. And you're

27:06

like, I felt your energy bitch,

27:09

and I don't know if you know this, but my

27:11

dad died. coming up on seven

27:13

years. And I just shot a very

27:15

emotional comedy special that was fucking

27:17

hysterical. But at the end of the day, I

27:19

really wish he was there for

27:20

it. You know what I mean?

27:22

But

27:22

I'm going through an interesting creative process, and I'm a kind

27:24

of funk right now, Nancy. And I just cried

27:26

on my podcast, which is nationally syndicated.

27:29

and gets millions of gallons a month. So a lot of people are gonna be

27:31

like, she's

27:31

a little weak bitch. So I need

27:33

you to know, I felt your energy.

27:36

and your negative negative

27:38

fucking attitude. Staring me

27:40

down because I went for the Cornish

27:42

n. That's in

27:43

the open fridge next to you,

27:45

the organic turkeys bitch. I don't

27:48

wanna do turkey this year. You wanna know

27:50

why? because I already feel like a fucking

27:52

turkey lurking. I'm in

27:53

a funk. And you know what isn't in a funk?

27:55

This cornish end. It's regal.

27:58

It's petite. It's everything

27:59

it every

27:59

we fucking wanna be.

28:02

And

28:02

then like, you are

28:05

going through something,

28:06

and I'm gonna walk away.

28:10

Nancy's like, Thank

28:12

you for sharing. Thank you so much. Do

28:13

you wanna join my pickleball team? And I'm

28:15

like, yes. I thought you'd never

28:18

ask.

28:19

dude, sometimes you just gotta get it

28:21

out. You know

28:22

what I mean? And I'm looking at my

28:24

my rules of my top five

28:26

rules, you know, for my business, says

28:28

absolutely not productions. Number

28:30

one, communication. The

28:32

number one thing on my business

28:34

plan is you gotta communicate well with

28:36

the people in your business. And This is absolutely

28:38

not productions headquarters. This is the

28:40

podcast. So I'm communicating with y'all

28:43

that I am a little I've just it's

28:45

it's been the last couple weeks, but I think

28:48

the pressure we put on ourselves to

28:50

gather these grandiose fucking

28:52

holiday plans

28:54

It's all

28:56

just so fucking stressful. And

28:58

I am not I

29:00

please, I want everybody who hears us to

29:02

know. I'm not never learning about my job. I

29:04

have the best job in the world. But I also think, like,

29:06

I just you know, I think I need a little

29:08

self care midday. I haven't had a day off,

29:10

and I work every weekend. So while everybody

29:12

else is, you know, kicking their feet up and flicking

29:14

their

29:15

being on a Tuesday, I

29:17

am doing ten shows.

29:19

Thursday

29:20

through Sunday. And then I come home, and

29:22

I work Monday, Tuesday. And then maybe I

29:24

can get a manicure on Wednesday, and then I

29:26

repack my back on the road. So

29:28

I just think I need to say no a little bit,

29:30

and I am supposed to go away for Thanksgiving. But

29:32

you know what? I'm gonna make myself the

29:35

BLT. That's easy. and

29:37

everybody else can fucking cook for themselves. I

29:39

don't give a shit if they have a forty

29:41

pound fried fucking bird. I'm

29:43

not doing it. making a very nice

29:45

BLT and I'll take the rest of

29:47

the bacon and I'll put in the ziplock

29:49

baggy and I'll crush it up.

29:51

You know what I mean? On the

29:53

countertop, and then I'll use that remaining bacon for my wedge

29:55

salad, my personal wedge salad that

29:57

I will make the next day for lunch. So

29:59

while everybody's having, a, you know,

30:02

leftover turkey sandwich which always fucking

30:04

grossed me out where they take the leftover

30:06

turkey and they put it on white bread.

30:08

We fuck and cranberry and stuffing,

30:10

that's disgusting. I don't

30:11

know why. Just put it on a

30:13

plate with the mashed potatoes. But when people put

30:16

mashed potatoes and stuffing and cranberry

30:18

and cold turkey in a mushy

30:20

sandwich, that is absolutely the

30:22

most vile thing I can think of.

30:24

I like all of those flavors, but

30:26

texture texture wise?

30:29

It's

30:29

not for me. So you know what I'm maybe

30:31

doing? Eating crunchy things the next

30:34

hung

30:34

over with my personal wedge.

30:36

And that is the end of my manifesto,

30:38

and let's get into the voice mails. I

30:40

am spiraling. I have screamed at a

30:42

woman named Nancy. I am going to

30:44

harass this fucking therapist to call me back because

30:47

you know what? You know what

30:49

actually full circle? I think

30:51

that the energy that all the

30:53

Floridians brought to my shows this weekend is actually

30:55

the energy I need to get out of this funk. And

30:57

I had a great fucking time. But I don't

30:59

know how do I

30:59

carry the energy from,

31:00

you know, that Sunday night packed house

31:03

show or, like, how

31:04

do

31:05

I carry that energy

31:07

into the next day? I think

31:09

it is it's the high of performing

31:12

and then

31:12

the come down of

31:13

dealing with my own personal demons

31:15

and that, my friends. is

31:17

a dark statement in a very

31:20

enlightened and

31:22

progressive

31:22

progressive train

31:23

of thought. So that's what it is. See, I

31:26

just worked all this out.

31:26

I don't even need this bitch from Florida to call me

31:29

back. What I need is the girl who's who came out

31:31

to West Palm. to meet me at the

31:33

border. I'll meet you at the tip of

31:35

Georgia, Florida, and you guys

31:37

bring the seafood, and I'll bring the BBQ

31:39

and let's fucking

31:40

rage. maybe every six months, we a little

31:42

Georgia Florida border moment. And

31:44

we meet

31:46

me in the middle

31:49

and I'll bring the BBQ and you bring

31:51

the Ihi tuna, had a

31:54

phenomenal poke

31:54

bowl, had a couple pokeballs.

31:58

that were

31:58

fresh. You know,

31:59

I love you know, I love a fucking group or

32:02

sandwich. That's what I want the

32:04

day after Thanksgiving. I want a

32:06

fried fish sandwich with

32:08

Gremelod, a homemade tartare.

32:10

I don't want

32:11

a stuffed turkey

32:14

plate sandwich. No.

32:16

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32:17

you eat those, you're an

32:19

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Okay. This is the

35:21

most unhinged episode. I've cried.

35:23

I've lied. And we

35:26

are just

35:28

gonna do a hard pivot and get into voicemails.

35:30

Guys, I am starting the tour. Just so

35:32

you know, the comeback tour officially in

35:34

theaters is going to be

35:37

starting December second. That is

35:40

Robin's 75th birthday weekend. It is

35:42

going to be lit. We are opening back

35:44

up in Montgomery. or going to New

35:46

Orleans. Get your tickets at heather on

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tour dot com. Think I

35:49

have, like, ten shows

35:52

before Christmas. And then we're gonna be cranking it out in the New great

35:54

gift idea, whether it's Hanukkah

35:57

Christmas Thanksgiving.

36:00

get

36:00

the gift of travel and fun and comedy.

36:03

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36:05

It's gonna be amazing. We had

36:07

packed houses all weekend, so

36:09

much fun in Huntsville, trying out the new

36:12

stuff, and then we're gonna take it on the road,

36:14

and the big

36:14

theaters dialing. And we're gonna have a ton of

36:16

fun. And Raymond opened for me this weekend, and

36:18

that was fucking blast. He was hysterical.

36:20

And it's exciting to see him try his

36:22

new stuff and get out there and spread his

36:25

wings. I love

36:25

supporting my

36:27

friends creatively. It's fun. It's fun be on the road with

36:29

your friends. So anyways,

36:30

moral story is everybody

36:32

take forty five

36:32

minutes for themselves to just go cry in

36:35

the closet and figure it out. And

36:37

then the subtext of the text and the full circle moment would be, you hate

36:39

the holidays because one of your parents is dead or somebody

36:41

you love is dead or you just got divorced and

36:43

you're missing, you know, your

36:46

old spouse. I don't know what it is, but I do

36:48

think whatever that looks like for

36:50

you emotionally around the holidays, we gotta

36:53

take the pressure off of that we're doing everything

36:55

in the holidays. I don't want a gift. You

36:57

know the only gift I want is

36:58

y'all to get get tickets and come giggle with me

37:01

on the road. because honestly for ninety minutes a

37:03

night on stage, that is where I feel

37:05

the absolute most unbridled joy you

37:07

can feel. I'm like

37:10

a baby a

37:10

little baby elephant finding her legs again, and I'm just rolling

37:13

around, and I'm giggling,

37:14

and I love it. So come out some

37:16

fun with me. The holidays are hard for

37:20

you. Come have some fun with me. You know? We'll throw a Jeff under

37:22

the bus and have a giggler. That is

37:24

expensive. In

37:24

a loving positive way. Okay.

37:27

As always, you can call into the hotline eight

37:29

hundred 2137503

37:32

Let's get into it. Hi,

37:33

Heather. So my

37:36

absolutely not is

37:38

people who get on their

37:40

phone at dinner party.

37:43

So my

37:44

friends and I basically just had a little

37:47

friend giving, and

37:49

it was fun

37:51

the time The

37:52

food was

37:53

good. It really was fun.

37:56

But you know what would have

37:57

been a lot more fun?

37:59

is if people didn't get on their

38:02

fucking phone

38:04

and literally get on

38:06

Instagram and Facebook, while we're all

38:08

sitting in the living room

38:10

together, trying to hang

38:11

out, play some games, talk, whatever.

38:13

Like, I'm sorry that that to

38:15

me is, like,

38:17

probably

38:17

one of the most annoying things and

38:20

disrespectful things you could

38:22

fucking do around all

38:24

your friends and you're a guest in someone else's

38:26

home, like, yeah, go ahead and get on your phone

38:27

for three hours and just sit there while the

38:30

rest of

38:32

us sit and

38:33

watch you be on your

38:35

phone. Like, I

38:36

just can't.

38:37

I I don't know if it's

38:39

my generation and the generation's

38:41

coming up probably. But

38:43

public announcement get off your

38:44

fucking son when you're around

38:47

your friends because

38:50

This is not necessary. Get on Instagram and

38:52

Facebook on your own time when you're alone at

38:54

your house or some shit. You know what I'm

38:57

saying? Like, get on Instagram and shit when you're

38:59

at work. I don't know, like, at

39:01

a dinner party with all your friends is not

39:03

the time to be on

39:06

your phone. like,

39:07

just engage with people. Is it really that hard?

39:09

I don't know.

39:11

That

39:11

I'm just I'm

39:13

on my within,

39:14

love you,

39:16

me and it, and thank

39:18

you for always

39:19

making

39:22

me up. hey,

39:22

baby girl, I could not agree with you more. And we'll keep

39:24

this short and sweet, but listen, let's

39:26

also make a challenge to ourselves. Absolutely

39:28

not. Don't be the fucking asshole.

39:31

Who comes over and sits like a

39:33

bump on a fucking

39:35

log? You're

39:36

like an old turd just festering.

39:39

on the couch. I get

39:41

crazy about that. I'm

39:42

like, no phones at dinner. Put

39:44

it down. We are having a conversation.

39:47

I want everybody to go around and do a rose

39:49

in their thorn in the fucking day.

39:51

Like, it makes me

39:54

fucking crazy.

39:54

And I think sometimes we have to recheck ourselves with our etiquette, and

39:56

that's okay. We're rechecking it emotionally.

39:58

Okay? We're dialing

39:59

it in. you know, ring

40:02

ring, are you good? No, bitch.

40:04

That's okay. We're gonna work through it.

40:06

Ring, are you good? Yeah. I'm at a dinner

40:08

party right now. I actually can't talk to you. Can I call

40:10

you back later? Yeah. No. No. No. I'm not

40:12

gonna watch your TikTok until after I leave, and I'm in the Uber on the way home. Okay. Thanks. Bye. That's

40:14

it. Do you see what I just did

40:16

there?

40:16

you to their Yeah.

40:18

This is just get off

40:19

of them. Let me tell you something

40:21

right now. You're not missing anything

40:23

on the interwebs. Do

40:26

you know how mean these kids are a dick talk? I

40:28

was laying in my bed

40:29

in Florida. I've already done two

40:31

shows.

40:32

So that's like four and a half hours

40:35

of comedy. I did two shows back to back.

40:37

You'd think, okay, my adrenaline's

40:39

coming down. I'm

40:41

exhausted. I'm gonna fall

40:43

right asleep. It was, I shit you not.

40:45

I look at the clock, it's four:thirty in the

40:47

morning. I had been scrolling for about five and

40:49

a half fucking hours. and and

40:51

I had the person on TikTok. Hold

40:54

up. You've been scrolled over too long. Come

40:56

up on my

40:57

on my TikTok. for

40:59

you page, like six times. And

41:01

then this new woman popped up and

41:03

she's like, hey, are you feeling anxious?

41:05

It's time to go to bed? Let's

41:07

turn off TikTok. Like, the app itself

41:09

is telling me enough

41:11

bitch. Your

41:12

brain is melting out of your

41:15

fucking ears. Enough. And it's because I felt so

41:17

much anxiety. I didn't even wanna, like, close my eyes

41:19

and be alone with my own thoughts,

41:21

which is

41:23

scary. You

41:25

know what I mean? But why do we do this? Why is

41:26

it too? You I would at one

41:28

point, we were all, like, Dana Chris,

41:32

Ray and I are all sitting in the room together, and it's just like a nervous habit.

41:34

We all just like pick up our phones and we're immediately

41:36

all looking at Instagram. Why? We

41:38

don't need to do that. We all got

41:41

hit by a bus tomorrow. What's the last thing we

41:43

said to each other? Hey, I just sent you a meme. You

41:45

know what I mean? Like,

41:47

enough. This is a great reminder. This holiday season, this what

41:49

I want you to do. Okay? And also side note,

41:52

anybody who's at your

41:54

party on

41:56

Facebook

41:57

now No. If you're

41:59

having

41:59

a friend's giving and

42:02

your relatives aren't there,

42:04

who the fuck is still posting on

42:06

Facebook? Riddle me this. Now if aunt

42:08

Gina is

42:09

on Facebook, posting

42:11

about her

42:12

Turkey letter live. She

42:15

gets ten minutes, and then you know she's gonna put the phone

42:18

down. But this is I think our new challenge. I'm

42:20

having

42:20

a friend's giving this coming weekend.

42:22

And this woman do everybody. Put their phone in a fucking bowl. Put

42:24

their phone on the counter. You're not allowed to

42:26

touch your phone unless you're posting and we

42:29

all watch you do it. phones

42:32

are

42:32

down. And all my girlfriends who are mommies,

42:34

you can have your phone on

42:36

full sound. We're all keeping

42:38

them next to the bar. And

42:40

if you hear ding ding ding, like put special alert

42:42

so that, you

42:43

know, it's a different

42:44

chime when your baby's gonna text

42:46

you. Well, I'll go, oh,

42:49

Katie needs to check the babysitter. Do

42:51

you? I'm not saying don't check on

42:53

the well-being of your youth,

42:56

but put him down. Put them

42:59

fucking down. Nothing.

43:01

I'm a very big judge. Like, if

43:03

we're sitting around and we can't have a conversation, you

43:05

need to be just be on your

43:07

phone. It's my biggest pet peeve. Put it down. I

43:09

could be

43:09

dead tomorrow. Don't you wanna chitch out

43:11

with me? Do you wanna look me in the eyes

43:13

while we eat this

43:16

burrito bowl? You

43:16

bitch. Great reminder. Let's get to the next

43:18

voice mail. Hi, Heather.

43:20

I

43:20

have I hope it's

43:23

somewhat traumatic. Absolutely not

43:26

to share with you. So I'm fairly recently single. I've

43:28

been single for about a year now after a

43:30

very long term relationship. I'm

43:33

gonna stay anonymous. I'm

43:35

in my mid thirty. So I'll be honest, I've been letting

43:37

my freak flag fly a little bit since

43:40

being single. And,

43:42

you know, I'm dating a lot.

43:44

So I

43:45

had a situation not too long ago this very pleasant man took

43:47

me on several days.

43:50

And then it came to the point

43:52

of, you

43:54

know, hooking up. And this guy looks

43:56

me dead ass in my face and

43:58

says, I'm gonna put my

43:59

hands

44:01

inside of you. rip

44:03

out your IED and get you pregnant. And that's just

44:05

an absolutely not

44:06

for me. You know, that's

44:09

what that's some oddacity right there, and

44:11

I am just not okay with that. So

44:13

needless to say if that

44:15

ended real quick, And

44:17

then, you know, this is even more

44:20

recent. I went on a nice date

44:22

with a gentleman. He was

44:24

of European descendants,

44:26

if that's the word, I don't know,

44:28

had a lovely accent,

44:30

had

44:31

a nice time, Again, we

44:33

go to hook up, and he bends over, tells me to

44:35

eat his ass the very

44:38

first time I have seen

44:40

the naked And that's just

44:42

another absolutely not. I think

44:44

that that type of behavior

44:46

requires a lot

44:48

more dates for sure. So

44:51

I guess this is just for all my other single

44:53

girls out there, you know, trying to get

44:55

some knees met and just being met

44:57

with absolute

44:58

bullshit.

45:00

So eleven

45:00

night. What a strong turn

45:02

of events, if you will, for me going

45:04

to, crying about missing my father at the

45:06

holidays to us

45:07

talking about a woman who

45:10

says a man wanted to rip out her IUD and

45:12

get her pregnant. And that is why.

45:14

This is

45:15

a beautiful community.

45:17

Okay. One absolutely yes, ma'am,

45:19

to your sexual prowess and stepping

45:21

into your feminine energy, your

45:23

divine feminine energy, so here for that. And you know

45:25

what? It's all consensual. As long as it's safe and it's

45:28

consensual, we're about it. It's an

45:30

absolute yes. if

45:32

we all are on the same page. Do you know what I mean?

45:34

But that is, that is one of the wilder

45:36

things that I have ever heard.

45:38

I wanna rip out that

45:42

IUD. and I wanna get you pregnant. You know who says that all the

45:44

fucking time? Nick Cannon.

45:45

He all the time. And, you

45:47

know, we haven't

45:50

really touched ON THIS BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY HE'S GROWING A

45:52

FAMILY GOODRIM, BUT ENOUGH,

45:55

NICKLEOUS

45:55

ENOUGH, THE

45:58

eleven

45:58

CHILDREN.

45:59

Who would

46:00

wanna pay that much child support?

46:02

You know what I'm

46:03

saying? Here's the thing. I think it comes

46:06

down to like this fetish, and I we were talking

46:08

about this weekend. It's a fetish of

46:10

these guys who, like, get

46:12

hot

46:12

and horny about spreading their seed.

46:14

I mean,

46:15

obviously, every guy wants like, finish

46:17

inside the goal. You know what I mean? But there's something, and

46:19

I don't know what it's

46:20

called, but there's this fetish of these

46:22

guys who love to get women

46:24

pregnant. Love

46:26

it. And if that's just a part of your dirty talk,

46:29

that's fine. You know what

46:31

I mean? But

46:31

also, like,

46:34

sir, no.

46:35

In this political climate?

46:38

No, sir. I have my IUD

46:39

in there and it is holding on for

46:42

dear fucking life because Who knows we're

46:44

all gonna become a handmaid's tales? And

46:46

they're gonna rip it from our

46:48

bodies?

46:49

I backstocked about

46:51

twenty five fucking cases of birth control and

46:53

I'm infertile. You know

46:55

what I mean?

46:57

I

46:57

got a low egg count and

46:59

I'm over a year pack

47:01

on the heat. because you know

47:03

what, when it really goes down

47:05

to hand basket and we're going back

47:07

to olden times and we got like

47:09

a commissary. You know, the Oregon trail's

47:10

hit. Somebody's coming

47:12

down the river, and I have the little shack

47:14

on the side for all the

47:16

the trap, the weary travelers.

47:18

You know what I'm gonna

47:21

be selling? Eliminate in

47:23

birth control. Baby. Oh,

47:25

yeah. That's interesting. I would love

47:27

your reaction to that. Oh, girl,

47:29

I'm gonna rip out that

47:30

IUD and get you pregnant. So,

47:34

actually, Charles, we met

47:36

three days ago. At an applebee's,

47:39

you will absolutely not do

47:42

that. because I'm not even sure

47:44

if you have a proper

47:45

bed, you most likely don't even

47:47

have a headboard wherever

47:49

you live. you know, single

47:50

guys. We if you meet a single

47:52

guy who has a headboard and like

47:54

a duvet on their bed,

47:57

marry that, ma'am. It

47:58

is few and far between. And again,

47:59

we are keeping our expectations

48:02

low so that we are surprised

48:04

on a

48:06

Wednesday. Now the other situation, ma'am,

48:08

that you said, ma'am, the first time you're

48:10

you are getting central with this man, he just

48:12

bends over and says eat my butt,

48:14

that is I need to

48:17

know. I need to have

48:18

met every single one of your

48:20

family members before I am even looking

48:22

at your third eye. Do you know

48:25

what I mean? I need to do and I it's not even I

48:27

don't even know even know your sexual history. I

48:29

need to just do kind of like a mental check

48:31

on the whole family. I

48:33

need to know, do we have an

48:36

uncle that's three

48:36

states over that maybe is gonna do

48:39

some time for tax fraud That

48:41

is how

48:41

deep I need to be

48:43

ingrained into the family dynamic before I

48:45

am even gonna think

48:47

about

48:48

doing

48:49

anything. TO YOU BUD. AND

48:50

I HAVE BEEN MARY

48:51

twelve YEARS AND I

48:54

WILL. WELL NEVER SAY

48:56

NEVER, BUT I AM

48:57

NOT ACTIVELY SEEKING.

49:00

that

49:00

that area

49:02

on my husband. You

49:03

know what I mean? And again,

49:05

these are things that I probably should

49:07

share with the therapist in

49:10

Florida who won't text me

49:12

back, but that is

49:13

very aggressive. I mean, if you're

49:15

going in to

49:16

do the sex, I think like

49:18

a like oral sex is more

49:20

invasive than just sex sex. And

49:22

I know a lot of people are gonna think

49:25

that's fucking crazy. But to me, it's way more intimate to

49:27

put your mouth on something than if you're

49:30

just like laying there. Like, we've all

49:31

done it when we're laying there

49:33

and like, okay, Charlie. Let's wrap

49:35

those up. You know what I mean? Endyamo. You're thinking about

49:37

the snack that you got

49:39

in the fridge.

49:42

waiting on

49:42

you. You're like, I did after I

49:45

accosted that woman Nancy, at Whole Foods,

49:47

I did also pick up a

49:49

little bit of that Whole

49:50

foods branded Cinnober chicken salad that's got

49:51

the grapes and the pecans and it's still

49:54

if we could just hurry this up,

49:56

you know, but please pull out.

49:58

please pull out

49:59

Do not I've not given your permission to

50:02

impregnate me, please pull out, and then

50:03

I'm gonna get a nice

50:06

delicious snack.

50:06

delicious snack

50:08

of the

50:08

Sonoma Chicken salad from Whole Foods.

50:10

That is where my brain goes.

50:13

I'm not eating your butt. I

50:15

don't even know you,

50:18

sir. Do you have

50:19

a good relationship with your sister? First question

50:21

out the

50:22

gate. You know what

50:23

I'm not doing

50:24

putting my mouth anywhere even

50:27

near your penis, if I don't

50:29

know, if

50:29

you still talk

50:31

to your brother. I have been

50:33

very prudent about oral

50:34

sex, but I'll tell you what

50:36

right now. The handyman could have

50:38

just laid on top

50:39

of me. You know what I

50:41

mean? And that's

50:42

I feel like it's

50:45

so much more

50:48

intimate. to put

50:49

somebody's genitals near your

50:52

york

50:53

mouth.

50:54

none And trust

50:56

and believe I have lived a fun life.

50:59

Okay. Got the

51:00

old ball and chain now and

51:02

tell

51:03

you what? Yeah.

51:05

Tell you what.

51:07

If Jeff

51:08

even bent over in the shower,

51:10

I would call nine

51:13

eleven, get

51:13

out of

51:15

here. And I, you

51:16

know, I'm at the point in my marriage

51:18

where every, like, six months. I

51:20

gotta get under there

51:21

and find an in grown hair or something.

51:23

You know, Jeff's like,

51:24

something's been itching me or so, you know, whatever. And he does the same for me.

51:26

That's it's also it's a primal

51:29

response too. I

51:29

didn't why am I fucking talking about this? I'm the

51:32

fucking

51:32

boss. what

51:34

I'm trying to say is it's too soon. You

51:36

don't know

51:37

this person. You don't know

51:39

what kind of tax

51:39

bracket

51:42

they're in. You don't

51:42

know their relationship with their

51:43

siblings. Whether or not

51:45

they call their

51:46

mom on mother's day, you need to

51:48

know

51:48

all of those things.

51:51

whether or

51:52

not, you

51:53

know,

51:54

they got mono

51:56

as a kid. because

51:58

that can store some deep

51:59

trauma. You need to

52:01

know these things.

52:02

You know, whether

52:04

the kind of person

52:05

who takes a piece of soft

52:08

white bread the day after Thanksgiving and shoves

52:11

other mushy things cold from

52:13

the fridge in

52:16

the sandwich. Now if it's heated up and toasted on a, like, a

52:18

buttery croissant or a crisp bag

52:20

yet, I will fuck

52:22

with that. but these

52:23

folks who just get out white slabs

52:26

of soft loose bread

52:28

and

52:28

shove cranberry

52:30

and mashed

52:31

potatoes in a slice of turkey with a congealed gravy

52:33

in it and call that lunch are

52:36

serial killers. And that, my friend, is the

52:38

kind of person. He'll ask

52:40

you to eat your ass on the first fucking And

52:42

if that happens, that's how

52:43

you test them. You wanna know if you're a lady

52:45

in the street but a freakin'

52:46

the sheets? What do you eat the day after

52:50

Thanksgiving? you

52:51

filthy slut. It's forward. It's very forward. But I

52:52

think if you're gonna put

52:54

your

52:55

mouth near anybody's, you know,

52:57

backdoor or front door.

53:00

We need a commitment. It didn't have to be marriage, but we need to

53:02

look each other eye to eye and go.

53:07

If you were at

53:09

an ATM and a shady part of town, I would watch your back.

53:10

Do you know what I mean? And I know

53:12

you'd watch mine. Back

53:14

to me

53:15

is a commitment.

53:17

but I am

53:18

not I am not putting

53:21

your rogue dong

53:23

near my face. If

53:25

you're eating a fucking

53:27

Thanksgiving sandwich, day after,

53:29

it's BLT or bus baby. But

53:31

also remember, stay

53:33

safe, and stay

53:33

consensual. Let's get to the next voice mail. Hi,

53:36

Heather. My name is Heidi, and I live

53:38

in New York City, and I'm calling with

53:40

an absolutely yes and that is that

53:42

there are no episodes of

53:44

MTV's My Super Sleep sixteen on

53:46

Hulu. I'm twenty eight. I used to watch this as

53:48

a teenager and be

53:48

so jealous of these girls. I'm

53:51

watching an episode now and this girl

53:53

created her own fragrance for party favors,

53:56

her father flew her to Paris for

53:58

the day to take out her

53:59

party dress. She help these auditions for people

54:02

in her school to be part of her pre

54:04

party fashion show and

54:06

girls are so genuinely upset that they didn't make the cut. They all

54:08

have extravagant entrances, a new

54:10

hip hop group teams at

54:12

their parties, you know, it's the

54:14

epitome of the early two thousands, absolutely

54:16

asked these unapologetic girls who were

54:18

spoiled debas for our

54:20

entertainment. I love them. I love you.

54:22

My Heather if

54:22

you didn't just give us such a core

54:24

memory throwback, oh my god, my super sweet sixteen

54:27

on MTV was fucking everything.

54:30

Also, let's talk about this for a second. Absolutely yes to this. This this is

54:32

what I needed. This is gonna get me out of

54:34

my funk. Watching just like

54:38

self indulgent teen Bratz

54:40

gets spoiled by their fathers who

54:42

are one hundred percent having affairs on

54:44

the mom. You know what I mean? Wasn't a

54:46

happy marriage in any of those episodes.

54:49

First of all, the girl

54:51

getting flown to Paris for the day,

54:53

I couldn't think of a more

54:56

horrific thing to do. Do you know

54:58

how severe the jet lag

55:00

can hit you

55:01

going

55:03

across the pond? Why

55:05

would

55:05

you wanna go to Paris for

55:07

a day?

55:09

now No. Also, I

55:10

love it. She had a fashion show,

55:12

and you know this girl lived in like

55:14

fucking Michigan. and that's no hater, no shade to Michigan. But

55:16

you know what I mean? That'd be like

55:18

if me from Georgia

55:20

had

55:20

my super sweet sixteen and I

55:23

flew everyone into Milan, Italy.

55:25

and then we picked

55:27

out clothes at,

55:28

you know, Prada or Armani.

55:30

And then we brought them back and put them

55:32

on our awkward little sixteen year old bodies

55:34

and all the girlies wanted to be in my pre birthday party

55:36

fashion show. You know what I can't think of?

55:38

A worse thing to do than

55:39

being a fashion show before

55:41

a birthday party.

55:43

You know what I'm saying?

55:44

I'm already

55:45

sweating so bad thinking

55:47

about, you know, I'm just so I need to

55:49

go to the party. I'm already

55:51

sweat through my dress from the limited, like,

55:53

seven times. You know, and Bloomingdale's

55:55

was, like,

55:56

just a thing when we were coming up. Do you remember

55:58

if you, like, god, dress from Bloomingdale's, from homecoming?

56:00

You

56:02

were, like, the fucking tits and this

56:04

bitch. Rolls in with

56:06

a couture gown from Armani,

56:08

but you

56:10

know what? she didn't look good in it. You wanna know why? because she was so jet

56:12

lagged. The makeup artist who did that

56:14

beat on that sixteen year old vase

56:17

couldn't fix the the bags under

56:19

her eyes, because that's an insane

56:20

thing to do. If

56:23

Adele called me,

56:24

who who am I love. If

56:26

a Dell called me, he was like, I need you to come

56:28

to Paris for twenty four hours.

56:30

You're gonna fly there and

56:32

fly back same day. I'd be like,

56:35

Go fuck

56:35

yourself. I

56:37

need at

56:38

least two days to adjust, and

56:40

I need six days for croissants.

56:43

Do do you

56:44

know what I did for my sweet

56:46

sixteen? I would shit you not.

56:48

For my sixteenth birthday, We

56:51

went to Joe's Crab Shack by North Point

56:53

Mall, which is in the suburb

56:55

in Atlanta, and I'll never

56:58

forget I

57:00

have like a shirt from Hollister on and I had, like, shoot

57:02

a little bit of midriff and

57:04

a pair

57:05

of cool, khaki,

57:06

like fitted bell bottom pants

57:09

and a pair of rocket dog

57:11

fucking sneakers. And we and we

57:13

took a lima. We

57:15

took a limo to

57:16

Joe's Crab Shack. And

57:18

the reason I love Joe's Crab

57:20

Shack is because you could sing there.

57:23

So what they would do is they play

57:25

songs. And after you, like, cracked open your

57:27

fucking crab leg, dipped it

57:29

in butter, sucked it

57:31

down, They like play songs and Mandy Moore's

57:33

Candy came on. And I remember I

57:35

literally got up on the table,

57:38

sixteen, like a little housing. I

57:40

was like, I'm ninety

57:43

nine percent

57:45

sure. And

57:48

then because it was my birthday. They came around. They brought the

57:50

cake. And I got up on the table.

57:52

And I sang a

57:55

part of your world. from

57:57

the little mermaid. Now if you don't know this about I used to have an angelic

57:59

singing voice

57:59

and I lost it

58:02

to a hard

58:04

battle of acid reflux that eventually gave

58:06

me nodules of my vocal cords. I'll

58:08

let Ashley Simpson. If you

58:11

remember when she had two or three

58:13

hit albums. And then she choked on SNL and

58:14

they had to go to an immediate commercial

58:16

break. That's because I mean, you

58:18

can hear me now. I'm a horse. I

58:22

used to talk up here.

58:24

And now I live in

58:25

this area. You

58:27

know what I mean? That was

58:29

the peak highlight. of my

58:31

sixteen year old party. And then my girlfriends and I, we got back

58:33

in the limo. We went to the

58:35

mall. We

58:37

hit like sixteen stores. We

58:39

went to hot topics

58:41

and bought shockers and,

58:43

like, t shirts.

58:46

that

58:47

would say things that were like so taboo.

58:49

I'll never forget, there was a

58:51

shirt at Abercrombie, that

58:54

was, like, nine eleven adjacent that said

58:56

something like twin towers and, like,

58:58

we all bought them. Like, horrific

59:02

horrible. And our appearance didn't even know. And like shame

59:05

on Abercrombie for making that

59:06

kind of shit.

59:10

Right? Don't you

59:10

all remember that?

59:11

Am I crazy? It was

59:13

like a punny

59:14

t shirt? You'd always go to hot topics

59:17

for that. Always.

59:18

Dude, hot

59:19

topics. And I

59:21

wasn't a

59:22

hot topics girly. Like, I was a a

59:24

more of a preppy girly. Like, I was

59:27

hanging

59:27

out, dude, White House Black

59:29

Market. I got every single

59:32

one of

59:32

my homecoming dresses at

59:33

White House Black Market. because I was already

59:35

had an adult's body. But I would go in there and just get, like,

59:37

the oh, dude, if you knew

59:39

a White House black market, you

59:41

were fucking rich.

59:44

thriving. And I

59:45

go in there,

59:47

and I pick out, like, sixteen

59:49

things. And then they have, like, this

59:51

shitty pair of heels There

59:53

were only a size seven in the back, but

59:56

you'd like try them on with the

59:58

dress to feel

59:59

like

59:59

so exclusive. and then my fat

1:00:02

fucking size ten feet would have to, like, shove into these little size

1:00:04

seven, look, hit

1:00:07

me heels. and I'd

1:00:09

come around the corner in a horrific taffeta and

1:00:11

Organza White House Black

1:00:14

Market dress. Also

1:00:16

like a terrible name for a

1:00:17

store. White House Black

1:00:20

Market seems like

1:00:22

when you do a little

1:00:24

rebrand in there if you know what

1:00:26

I'm saying. Didn't it's not great. Didn't

1:00:28

didn't back the same punch.

1:00:30

Oh,

1:00:30

it was a mess. We had a

1:00:33

store in Atlanta and I feel like it was nationwide called cachet and you

1:00:35

would go in

1:00:36

there and it was like half

1:00:39

stuff

1:00:40

for your grandma and then have just

1:00:42

slutty sequin dresses if you were

1:00:44

in pageants or if you're going to prom.

1:00:46

We would go into cache and tear

1:00:49

it up. I just ping

1:00:50

pong, back and forth from Blooming's

1:00:52

to Hot Topic to Abercrombie to cache

1:00:55

to White House Black Market, and then

1:00:57

I would be at the freaking

1:00:59

food court at

1:01:00

the Japanese Grill. You

1:01:02

know what

1:01:03

I mean? Even like

1:01:05

an Asian fusion moment where

1:01:07

it was like, half

1:01:08

chicken teriyaki, but then they have, like, some sort of

1:01:10

weird fruit salad and you're like, I don't I don't know.

1:01:12

And then they'd have, like, a rice peel off. And you're

1:01:14

like, I know that rice peel off.

1:01:16

is not traditionally an Asian inspired dish, but I'm gonna

1:01:19

lean in.

1:01:19

Now I'm gonna go for it. You know

1:01:21

what I'm saying?

1:01:23

You just

1:01:24

didn't Thryv.

1:01:25

And then I get dipping dots on the way

1:01:27

out of the mall, and then just look at

1:01:29

the Paul Blart Mall

1:01:32

security company. Thank you, Dennis. I'll see you next

1:01:34

week. He's like, yo. Get

1:01:36

your

1:01:36

limo. Get your limo with all

1:01:39

your cool girls. You guys

1:01:41

went to George Crab Shack. Real cool.

1:01:44

And I'm like, Becky didn't. You

1:01:45

can't stop us.

1:01:47

Oh my god. My suite sixteen was

1:01:50

so good. Who was it? There was somebody from

1:01:51

Atlanta. Was

1:01:54

it little Wayne's daughter? She might have been

1:01:55

on it.

1:01:58

Rejanae Carter.

1:01:59

I think

1:01:59

she was on it. I remember

1:02:01

these kids that we get like a Porsche or

1:02:03

Mercedes and

1:02:03

you were so

1:02:06

jealous

1:02:07

so

1:02:10

jealous. You're

1:02:10

like,

1:02:12

wait. And they'd

1:02:12

always have some famous other

1:02:15

famous celebrity perform. like, little bow

1:02:17

wow. Little bow wow performed in every single

1:02:20

suite

1:02:21

sixteen party

1:02:22

exclusively for MTV. like,

1:02:25

every single episode. It didn't matter if

1:02:27

they were, like, you know, a country

1:02:29

music fan family from,

1:02:30

like, Nashville, Tennessee. They had a

1:02:32

ton of money. they if they're still,

1:02:34

like, and guess he's surprised performances

1:02:36

by little bail out.

1:02:39

Like, did

1:02:40

Little bow

1:02:42

out, ran the MDV, my Super Sweet sixteen

1:02:45

circuit for a long time.

1:02:48

And they

1:02:49

all got a Porsche. or

1:02:50

sometimes they would be, like, clueless,

1:02:52

like, share adjacent with, like,

1:02:54

a white Jeep Grand Cherokee

1:02:56

or white Jeep Wrangler?

1:02:59

Oh my god. That was the

1:03:02

fucking mess, but I specifically remember

1:03:04

the girl who got flown to Paris for a

1:03:06

day. And you're just think I remember

1:03:08

being like fourteen watching

1:03:10

I mean, like, she's so tired.

1:03:13

he's She's

1:03:14

too tired. Like,

1:03:15

did she literally go there for

1:03:18

a day That's exhausting. That's how

1:03:20

that's how my brain worked. But

1:03:22

yeah, dude, if anybody who's listening to this,

1:03:24

when do I super sweet

1:03:26

sixteen, and it was just my girlfriends. Look, I

1:03:28

didn't have a co head party. I wanted and

1:03:30

this is how self indulgent and

1:03:32

narcissistic I was. at

1:03:34

sixteen, I wanted to take all my girlfriends

1:03:36

for a seafood tower, but then have

1:03:38

them listen to

1:03:40

me

1:03:40

sing. on the table. And they're like, can you please

1:03:42

get away from the cocktail sauce? Like,

1:03:44

I wanna dip my shrimp

1:03:45

fritters in the

1:03:48

cocktail sauce. and like your

1:03:50

rocket dogs

1:03:50

are like eerily close right now

1:03:52

to the shrimp cocktail sauce right

1:03:54

now. Like, why

1:03:55

are you on the table

1:03:57

singing Little

1:03:58

mermaid. because

1:03:59

I I, you know, I just needed it.

1:04:02

Didn't need attention from the boys, but I

1:04:04

needed my girlfriends to look

1:04:06

at me. when

1:04:06

my little pooch was hanging out of my midriff shirt. And

1:04:08

I need them to say happy

1:04:11

sixteenth, eat

1:04:11

dirty bitch. That's what

1:04:14

I needed. And then we took

1:04:16

a limo to the mall, and we tore it

1:04:18

up, and we bought

1:04:20

horrifically, like, inappropriate t shirts at a

1:04:22

hot topic. and we would,

1:04:24

like, tie them up to the side with,

1:04:25

like, a rubber band, like, a hair thingy,

1:04:27

a

1:04:27

hair tie around the side.

1:04:30

And we were, like,

1:04:31

you can't stop me. You know

1:04:33

what I

1:04:34

mean? It was always some sort of

1:04:35

like stupid t shirt with

1:04:38

some horrible pun on it. Let's look. Hold

1:04:40

on a melick

1:04:42

real quick. Oh, remember, Hot Topic

1:04:44

had the t shirt wall,

1:04:46

dude. They had

1:04:48

the wall And

1:04:50

it was a mixture of, like, rock bands. Like, remember when, oh,

1:04:52

everybody had the bush. The

1:04:55

bush

1:04:55

cover album t

1:04:56

shirt you had to get at hot

1:05:00

topics. And then we all

1:05:01

got like the Who and Pink

1:05:03

Floyd Desjards even though we were not

1:05:05

listening to that, my

1:05:08

dad was. but

1:05:09

I remember getting, like, a a rolling stone

1:05:11

t shirt or the who, and I'd never even

1:05:13

like Listen to

1:05:16

the band. Oh, I did have a sublime t shirt though that I thought was like

1:05:18

so fucking cool. Now

1:05:20

I listen to the Who in

1:05:21

Pink Floyd all the time now. In fact, I wear one

1:05:23

of my dad's t shirts to

1:05:26

bed. and it's his pink Floyd was his favorite band. And I wear

1:05:28

that all the time, but that was like the fucking

1:05:32

shit.

1:05:33

Oh my god. There

1:05:34

were the kids that were, like,

1:05:36

leaned into hot topic, and they

1:05:38

would wear, like, slipknot or tool t

1:05:40

shirts or, like, iron made in.

1:05:42

And

1:05:43

we were, like, scared of them, but low key. They, like, made really

1:05:45

good boyfriends. You know what I mean? They were always

1:05:47

named Dylan Trevor. Chaz,

1:05:50

the z.

1:05:50

the the disease

1:05:52

And they would have, like, a t shirt on that said, like,

1:05:54

disturbed. And they'd have the skater

1:05:56

sneakers on,

1:05:57

but they didn't skate.

1:06:00

they actually did something, like, very preppy, like soccer

1:06:02

and a core equestrian. You know what

1:06:06

I mean? Oh my

1:06:08

god. Remember that black

1:06:10

tea,

1:06:10

the lead zipline tea, it was black, and

1:06:12

I had the bat on it, and it was the outline.

1:06:14

I remember going on a hot topic and getting

1:06:16

a lead zipline t shirt. I'm wearing that and like tying it up to the side.

1:06:18

With my little hair tie around it, I

1:06:20

was like, I am so fucking artsy.

1:06:22

I am so cool. And

1:06:24

they're like, ma'am, you cannot get on the table at Outback Steakhouse. This is

1:06:27

not the

1:06:27

same as Joe's Cramp

1:06:30

Shack. Please. You just stepped

1:06:32

in your rocket with your rocket

1:06:34

dog platform sneaker into a

1:06:36

woman's bloomin' onion, and now

1:06:38

there's about to be

1:06:40

a bra. there's

1:06:40

gonna be a

1:06:42

bar fight at

1:06:42

this mall adjacent Outback Steakhouse. Also,

1:06:45

wear your

1:06:48

parents ma'am. And it'd be like, they don't even know I'm here. I'm just performing.

1:06:50

At this

1:06:51

Outback, and the next one are

1:06:53

Chili's, and then we go

1:06:56

to Applebee's. and then

1:06:57

it benefits if those are still open. You know what? Can I tell you

1:06:59

this is a very full circle moment for me?

1:07:01

Thank you. Thank you for bringing in

1:07:03

this voice mail. This is

1:07:05

full circle. It really brings it around. If you're in

1:07:08

a funk right now, I want you to go on Hulu and I

1:07:10

want you to watch my Super Sweet sixteen.

1:07:12

Watch how overproduced

1:07:14

it was. Watch how terrible the kids were,

1:07:16

how insufferable the fucking parents were, and

1:07:18

when you watch it, you can feel

1:07:20

the tension. you can feel the

1:07:22

tension. The

1:07:22

parents fucking hate each other.

1:07:24

Every single one of those parents,

1:07:26

it was the rich dad who

1:07:29

was like a dentist, who never spent time

1:07:31

at home, and was like totally addicted

1:07:33

to pills, and then the mom

1:07:35

who was completely delusional.

1:07:37

And was, like, with, like, it literally

1:07:39

in her interview. She'd be, like, I he

1:07:41

is not sleeping with his dental, hey,

1:07:44

Janice. Tiffany, no

1:07:46

fucking way. No. Wait.

1:07:47

But it is weird

1:07:49

that she's flying with my daughter to

1:07:51

Paris for the day to pick out

1:07:53

a Valentina dress. Mhmm.

1:07:55

That is

1:07:57

amazing. That's what we

1:07:59

need it. This

1:07:59

is the kind of energy that we need it. And that's why I

1:08:02

love this podcast

1:08:04

because sometimes you guys remind me, we don't need to be full throttle at

1:08:06

the time and get bogged down in our own

1:08:08

bullshit. We need to go look at other people's

1:08:10

family trauma and

1:08:12

childhood trauma. from my super

1:08:14

sweet

1:08:16

sixteen.

1:08:17

So no guy good.

1:08:20

So

1:08:20

good.

1:08:21

And I think I

1:08:22

might try and see if it's hot topics still online. Like, do they have a like, hot topic dot com?

1:08:24

It's probably gonna be,

1:08:26

like, some porn website.

1:08:28

dude

1:08:31

hot topic

1:08:35

still exists. ban

1:08:37

merch. Good to ban merch. I'm buying every t shirt.

1:08:39

Guys, there is so much ban merch and all the t shirts are

1:08:41

like sixteen dollars. So if you think

1:08:43

that I'm going to concert

1:08:46

and buying somebody else's merch. I'm not. I'm buying

1:08:48

the band merch, low key from

1:08:50

Hot Topic. Support. Support Hot

1:08:53

Topic. Wow. This just made me so excited. I'm

1:08:56

ordering fifty five fucking things tonight.

1:08:58

Okay. Listen. I love you. I

1:09:00

mean it. Thank you for calling out of the

1:09:02

podcast. We are gonna get into the thick of

1:09:04

things. Hey, guys. I'm gonna be on

1:09:06

the Today show. This Thursday, tune in. I'm gonna be with Hoda and Jenna. I'm popping

1:09:08

in, announcing a very

1:09:10

big announcement for the tour

1:09:14

We have another city that's coming on sale,

1:09:16

and those tickets are gonna go super fucking

1:09:18

quick. So this Thursday, tune in to the

1:09:20

ten AM hour on the Today show. I

1:09:22

am going to be spilling the tea on the

1:09:24

next place that we're going to do on the

1:09:26

comeback tour. The show's gonna be in March, and

1:09:28

it's one of my favorite cities. It's got a

1:09:31

lot of bachelorets in it, and you know what I'm talking about. Y'all. Let's get to it. In the meantime, between time,

1:09:33

I love you. I mean, thank

1:09:35

you for letting me go

1:09:38

through my shit today, and hopefully this is like a therapist will call

1:09:41

me back. I'll talk to you guys next time

1:09:43

on the absolutely not podcast. I

1:09:45

don't know if

1:09:47

there are you, Chad. Thanks so much

1:09:49

for listening to

1:09:49

today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us

1:09:52

and leave

1:09:54

a review, and always, follow me on Instagram at Heather Caine

1:09:56

McMan. See you guys soon.

1:09:58

I wanna sleep tomorrow.

1:10:00

How's I train

1:10:03

to train? See

1:10:22

Please note that this episode

1:10:24

may

1:10:25

contain paid endorsements and

1:10:27

advertisements for products and

1:10:29

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1:10:32

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1:10:34

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1:10:36

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