0:01

The following podcast is a dear media

0:03

production. Welcome

0:08

to the Absolutely Not podcast, where we

0:10

do the most and the least at

0:12

the same damn time. I'm

0:14

your host, Heather McMahon. Hello

0:23

ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to

0:25

another episode of the Absolutely Not

0:27

podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon.

0:29

How the hell are ya? Santa's

0:32

coming to town, he's

0:34

coming round the bend,

0:37

putting shit in a sleigh

0:39

and smoking a sea. He's

0:43

coming to intrude in

0:45

your personal space. Wrote

0:48

that ditty right there. You know, I saw

0:50

something on the interwebs that said in the

0:52

winter, male reindeer,

0:55

loser antlers. So,

0:57

do you know what that means?

0:59

That means that the women, the

1:01

female reindeer are leading

1:05

the way. And

1:07

I found that so fitting. I saw it on Instagram, I

1:09

saw it on TikTok, there's a bunch of people running with

1:11

that narrative. If that narrative is

1:14

scientifically backed, Jeff's

1:17

in the studio right now, but he didn't want to be

1:19

on camera. Jeff, can you do a quick Google for me?

1:21

You're my producer right now. Can you do a quick Google

1:23

that the reindeer that actually would

1:26

lead the sleigh would be women?

1:30

Of course, of course. It

1:33

takes, how many reindeer there? Six,

1:36

seven, 10, whatever. It

1:39

takes seven broads to

1:41

drag around some fat ass who

1:45

then gets all the glory for giving

1:49

the gifts, but who did all the

1:51

work? The ladies. Hold on,

1:53

this just in. What? You run the sleigh girls.

2:00

Okay, this just in, this just in. It has

2:02

been confirmed that the reindeer

2:04

who run Santa's sleigh are

2:06

all female. I just... Because

2:09

they all have antlers. Because they all have antlers,

2:11

right. And because the men, male

2:13

reindeer release their

2:15

antlers into the wild. So

2:18

that makes sense. So in

2:20

typical fashion, even in

2:22

our fairy tale folklore, the

2:25

men get the credit. You know

2:27

who was up in the fucking North

2:30

Pole? Probably cracking the whip, making

2:32

sure that shit was getting out on time? Mrs.

2:34

Claus. Do you know that

2:37

two of my buddies and I wrote a movie

2:39

about Mrs. Claus and we've tried to sell it

2:42

and everybody in Hollywood says, you cannot sell a

2:44

movie about Mrs. Claus? They're like,

2:46

everybody's tried to do it. Every big

2:48

comedian actor has tried to do it.

2:51

We got a great script. Nobody

2:53

wants to read it. That's pretty wild. And

2:56

I said, well, why is that? I was talking

2:58

to my manager and she was just like, nobody

3:00

wants the story, which I find interesting. So

3:03

nobody wants to see the

3:05

story of the woman behind

3:07

Kris Kringle. But

3:09

we know she's getting it done. We

3:11

know that the female reindeer are dragging

3:14

his fat ass over

3:16

to Serbia. We know who's getting

3:18

it done. Yet it's only the

3:22

man who gets the accolades. I

3:26

mean, we had a really great script.

3:28

We still have it. It's sitting on

3:30

my computer. Regardless though, I

3:33

take a lot of meetings in the biz and

3:36

they're like, a female empowerment Christmas

3:38

movie? I don't know. I

3:42

knew it. I knew that

3:44

those little bitches were dragging

3:46

his ass around. Why? Because

3:48

women get shit done. Speaking of getting shit

3:50

done, let me tell you something right now.

3:53

I do not say this to seem humble.

3:55

I don't say this to seem like a

3:57

good person. I'm not. Okay. But one of

3:59

my neighbors, reached out and she's you know

4:01

you can adopt a family for Christmas. I said

4:03

I love this idea. I love this

4:05

idea. I said throw me a family. So I

4:08

got a family and I went shopping for Christmas.

4:10

You know our family doesn't do gifts. That's not

4:12

our thing. I don't need shit.

4:15

You know you don't need shit. I don't

4:17

need shit for dick. Okay that's a new phrase I've come

4:19

up with. I don't need shit for dick. I

4:21

don't. I don't need new slippers. I don't

4:23

need a new skins shirt. I'd like one

4:25

but I can buy it myself. So

4:28

I said what a beautiful thing. I'm gonna go give

4:30

back. I still want the rush of being able to

4:32

shop for somebody but it's even better when you're shopping

4:34

for somebody that you know needs it. So I go

4:36

into Target and I've got my list. I've

4:38

got five kids I'm shopping for and a dad and

4:41

they want very specific toys. Now

4:43

sometimes when you're shopping for families

4:45

you know who I guess technically

4:47

quote-unquote in need there's clothing items

4:49

but no no not my family.

4:52

No no no. It's like Nintendo

4:54

Switch, Pokemon games, headphones, Nerf

4:56

guns, footballs. I mean this

4:59

is a they are

5:01

starting a fucking family unit. Okay this

5:03

is so I get in there with

5:05

my list and I of course know nothing about these these

5:07

video games. So I have to

5:09

ask the zit face kid running the Target electronics

5:12

department. He's like damn they want

5:14

the violet Pokemon game. Shit

5:17

I don't know if we have any. So he's in

5:19

the back. I got a I'm about to have to

5:21

get this guy a hand job in order for him

5:23

to find this very specific niche Pokemon game. He's like

5:25

damn this is a sick list. These kids know what's

5:28

good and I'm like listen okay this is for somebody

5:30

who needs it you better find me this fucking Pokemon

5:32

violet game. So he goes in the back. He

5:35

comes in he's like alright I said alright also

5:37

on the list that you know this is after

5:39

I gave me a hand job. Also on the

5:41

list was this Nintendo Switch. So it's like it's

5:43

a new controller and I don't know shit about

5:45

controllers. So this guy's like alright how old is

5:47

this kid? I look on the list 13 year

5:49

old boy named Joshua. Okay obviously we got

5:51

to get the right color. So I'm sending this

5:53

kid in the back. I said I'm not fucking

5:55

around. I got such a

5:58

joy and delight from shopping. And

6:00

being, I'm like, I'm about to get everything on this fucking

6:02

list. I don't, I don't know what this family is going

6:04

through, but I want them to open these gifts and be

6:06

like, brat brat. Fuck yeah. So

6:09

obviously I know that those are going to

6:11

be high priced items, right? Nintendo shit is

6:13

it's electronics. Of course it's going to be

6:15

expensive, but then I go over to start

6:17

shopping for the younger kids and just the

6:19

general toy region. You

6:21

guys, my absolutely not going

6:23

into this holiday season is I know that

6:26

inflation is high. I know the rent is too

6:29

damn high. But let me tell you, Mattel is

6:31

out of their fucking mind. Everybody

6:33

is the Jurassic park toys. I looked

6:35

at this dinosaur. The thing didn't light up.

6:37

It didn't make a noise. It didn't

6:40

nothing. It's a little velociraptor toy,

6:42

maybe no bigger than the size

6:44

of this little cup. Okay. And

6:46

the thing was 49 97. So

6:51

of course I'm in my target app over here

6:53

looking for a fucking coupon. And

6:55

then I start looking at some of the Mattel

6:57

stuff. I get the little girls and Barbie stuff.

6:59

I go over and get some Spiderman stuff from

7:01

the Marvel section. I'm over doing the blues clues,

7:03

a little pop patrol for the younger kids. Look

7:06

at this shit. Some of these

7:08

stuffed animals were $40. And

7:12

I just started stewing. Now there is

7:14

a fabulous older woman who is probably

7:16

my mom in like 10 years. Dressed

7:19

to the nines, faux fur jacket on.

7:21

She has her whole conversation on speaker

7:23

phone. So she's walking through the aisles

7:26

and she's like, Linda, Linda,

7:28

I'm going to get the karaoke machine

7:30

for the kids. And clearly the mom

7:32

who's supposed to be doing Christmas shopping is in

7:34

bed with the flu and you can hear her

7:36

on speaker phone being like, they don't need another

7:38

fucking karaoke machine, mom. How many times have I

7:41

told you we've got seven at the house? She's

7:43

like, well, I'm getting another one. It's on sale.

7:45

So I'm laughing, listening to this conversation because I just know

7:48

this is going to be my mom and I in like

7:50

10 years. And I am

7:52

just flabbergasted. So I lean over to this older

7:54

lady who's dressed in the nines. I said, can

7:57

you believe the price of toys? I

7:59

am happy to do. I am not here. I feel

8:01

so richly blessed that I that I'm in this

8:03

position to you know Shop

8:06

for somebody other than myself. I don't need shit for

8:08

dick I already said that and she

8:10

goes did you see the Jurassic World? 4997

8:14

for a thing that doesn't even light up and

8:16

we're standing in the aisle two white women in

8:19

Matching faux fur jackets just going

8:22

the toys are too fucking expensive Just

8:25

bitchy the Nintendo shit I get okay

8:27

It takes batteries it you know it

8:29

was made at the hands of another

8:32

small child somewhere in a in a

8:34

absolute poor country I get

8:36

why that's expensive, but my

8:39

god the racket the

8:41

materialistic capitalistic

8:44

over consumerism I don't

8:46

even know if all three of those words can go together I

8:49

was appalled so me in this like 85

8:51

year old lady are putting shit in our

8:53

cart So I decide to help her with

8:55

her list because her daughter's like mom What are

8:57

you talking to and she's like I don't know

8:59

what you name? I'm like hey, I'm Heather's like

9:01

heaven McMahon like yeah girl. How are you sick?

9:03

I'm home with the flu I said my mom

9:06

to get some stuff. I go well your mom

9:08

and I are both appalled at the prices right now

9:10

I Will got a

9:12

basketball one of the boys wanted a basketball a

9:14

basketball They only have like

9:16

the NBA Pro even the youth size a

9:18

basketball was $50 I

9:22

said no wonder no wonder people can't

9:24

afford gifts for their family whether you're

9:26

actually really hard up Or you're just

9:28

even cruising and getting by next thing

9:30

you know you had a five-year-old That's

9:32

got $1,500 worth of bullshit in

9:34

a cart You know what everybody needs other

9:37

than the kids who actually need things and need some

9:39

joy in their life if you are paying your bills With

9:41

ease and your asshole is not clenched at the beginning of

9:43

every month if whether or not your rent checks gonna

9:45

go through I want you to do this right now We're

9:48

done with the gifts okay, and I don't

9:50

mean to sound like Grinch or Scrooge, but

9:52

my god I'm giving everybody in my family

9:54

$50 to tick-tock shop And if you can

9:56

find a tincture or a pair of pajama

9:58

jeans that you like in that that fits.

10:01

There you go. Swipe up. I

10:04

could not believe it. Again,

10:06

happy to do so. Had so much joy

10:08

in my heart, wrapping the gifts, making things

10:10

nice. What a wonderful way to make

10:14

things not about me or my family or the

10:16

bullshit. But me and this older lady in

10:18

her phone first literally walk up through talking

10:20

like, did you see the price

10:22

of Mattel? This is the

10:25

right thing. We were appalled. So

10:27

then people hear me and this

10:29

old lady bitching, they start coming

10:31

in, everyone's comparing prices. The basketballs

10:33

are $60. Oh, you want a

10:36

three, whatchamacallit, wheeled scooter? Okay,

10:40

you're not getting out without spending a

10:42

hundo. I remember when we were

10:44

little, my dad, because we were terrible at gifts.

10:46

My mom would buy the most chachki, she would go

10:49

to Dollar Tree, she would go all over. She would

10:51

buy us the worst shit. My dad would

10:53

give us like $200 and back in like the 90s, forget

10:56

it. And he would literally take us to

10:58

Target the day after Christmas and be like, tear it up, tear

11:00

it up. That was our jam. I mean, of

11:03

course we unwrapped stuff. It was a lot of

11:05

sweaters from the Gap, Old Navy, the usual stuff.

11:08

And we would take $200 and we

11:10

would live like kings, like Home Alone, Macaulay

11:13

Culkin, just thriving. Meanwhile, we can't

11:15

get out of Target without spending 2K

11:17

on a kid. And we

11:19

wonder why parents are stressed. I don't even have kids.

11:21

And that's why I felt so stupid. I was like,

11:23

I don't have children, so I don't really know what

11:25

the price of anything is to compare. And then

11:28

I started putting things in my cart. I started

11:30

checking things off. My fingers are sore because I'm

11:32

looking for coupons online. And me

11:34

and this old lady, she's like, this is insane.

11:38

Anyways, I just want y'all to know all the

11:40

parents out there who are listening, I get it. I

11:42

get why you're in a bad mood. I get why

11:44

you're blowing off steam at the local pub, throwing back

11:46

16 Jager bombs in a

11:48

Guinness at 5 PM because you

11:50

just left the local Kmart and

11:52

you don't know how you're going to keep the gas

11:55

on next month. Listen, If you're in

11:57

a place of privilege and you can afford shit, tell your

11:59

kids they're ain't getting sh... that for Christmas or right. You

12:01

volunteer you taken all the gifts he it to somebody

12:03

who needs it because I'll tell you what, these little

12:06

shit don't need anything. But kids

12:08

I was shopping for do regardless. I don't

12:10

know. What I'm trying to say. It's all

12:12

I'm saying. The price of everything is too high. and

12:14

I was appalled. This.

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Love you Nina. Now back to the

15:23

podcast. I found

15:25

this amazing little Land Rover. It

15:28

was a little kid Land Rover right because you can't

15:30

just have the Jeep. Remember when we were all kids

15:32

we all had the pink Barbie Jeep. That was

15:34

it. I mean that thing was

15:36

probably $50. I remember my sister the

15:38

brakes went out on it. Probably

15:41

could have had a class action lawsuit. I had

15:43

a Fred Flintstone it and put my feet at

15:45

the bottom and the top of my foot got

15:47

caught and it scraped all the way

15:49

down the driveway and I still to this

15:51

day have a giant scar on the top of my foot

15:53

from where? My Barbie car. I

15:56

think Ashley cut the brakes. I

15:58

really do think Ashley cut the brakes. She was like, fuck

16:00

this bitch. She's being annoying.

16:02

She sat on Santa's lap for too long,

16:04

took all of my time because she thinks

16:06

she's an entertainer and actually cut

16:09

the brakes on my Barbie Jeep. And I

16:11

have a scar to prove it. But I

16:13

remember back in the day, like you had the

16:15

Barbie Jeep, but no, now these kids have a

16:17

Range Rover, a Range

16:19

Rover option. And then there

16:21

was an actual mini Vespa. Now I

16:23

was going to buy it for my friend's kid just because I

16:25

like being the rich aunt who had done have kids right now.

16:28

It's fun. I said this before, but no one's made me

16:30

a godparent. Still

16:32

bitter about that one. But I

16:35

went to go buy it and I looked on it, you know, I'm

16:37

looking at the specs. This thing's like $300. I'm

16:39

like, whatever. I'm on a high. I am on

16:41

a high. I'm bitching in Target. I'm having a

16:43

blast. I'm picking out toys. I'm

16:45

Googling what inflation is, but I'm here. I'm leaning

16:47

in. It doesn't matter. It's not about me. And

16:49

I see this like mini purple Vespa and I'm

16:51

like, I'm getting it. I'm getting it for my

16:54

friend's four year old. Turns out it's 13 and

16:56

up. Okay. I

16:58

know at this point, I have two cards full of shit and

17:00

I'm like, I can't even, I don't even know how I get

17:02

this. Okay. Jeff said homework, Cooper rating. I

17:04

don't know how I'm going to fucking get this thing, but

17:06

I'm telling you what, I'm going to buy it for

17:09

Robin. I'm getting Robin this purple mini Vespa. I think

17:11

the weight limit was like 125. She's

17:13

been 115 since 48. You

17:17

know what I'm saying? No, 47. So

17:19

I'm not worried about this shit. I'm getting Robin

17:21

this tiny little Vespa. She'd go

17:23

to and from the country club.

17:26

I mean, she does have to go out on

17:28

technically a major highway, a major

17:30

Atlanta road to get to our country club. But

17:32

it's maybe Jeff, would you say it's a 20

17:34

second sprint, a 20 second sprint,

17:36

but I'm buying her this fucking purple little mini scooter

17:39

that's 13 and up. It

17:42

is a danger to society. You're right, honey. You

17:44

are right. Jeff is here. He's

17:46

chiming in. If you just tune into the podcast, Jeff's

17:49

just in the corner. He's doing work. We're in the office.

17:51

The office is 10 feet long, but either

17:53

way, I think I'm going to get this little room room for Robin.

17:56

Listen, I didn't get her. She bought herself

17:58

when we got her a new car. A couple

18:00

years ago, I said, listen, I need you to be in

18:03

a tank. And it's not because so she

18:05

got a Mercedes SUV only because I did

18:07

the safety ratings and those things are built.

18:09

I mean, they're built for the fucking war.

18:11

Okay. And we know one's coming. So I

18:13

said, let's go ahead and get this diesel bad boy ready

18:15

to go. So we got her

18:17

this big Mercedes SUV. Now when we were checking out,

18:19

I wasn't going to get the tire package because I

18:21

was like, all right, she didn't need the tire package.

18:24

And for some reason, Robin said, I need the tire

18:26

package. I want you to know this woman.

18:29

And she has bought this car in two years.

18:31

Thanks fucking God. She got the tire package. She's

18:33

had to replace four tires because

18:35

she just says that things keep appearing

18:37

in the middle of the road and

18:39

she keeps popping her tires, scraping her

18:41

wheels. And I said, mom, that's

18:43

a median mom. That's

18:46

a curb. Mom, that's a

18:48

small child getting off the school bus

18:50

that you just, you bounced

18:52

off of the fucking kid. Okay.

18:55

She called it a cinder block. My mom literally said,

18:58

have it. No, it was nothing. It was next thing

19:00

you know, it was just a cinder block in the

19:02

middle of the road. I'm like, that's a median. That

19:05

is absolutely without a doubt a

19:07

median. And

19:09

she, thank God, thank God we got her this

19:11

tank. It's all about her safety. It's about your

19:13

safety out on the road. You

19:15

know, she got her cataract singular done and

19:18

there's a weird film and she says she's

19:20

been back for her follow up, but

19:22

the eye is bionic. I mean, I'm literally

19:24

living with the Terminator. So

19:26

anyways, I'm getting her this little scooter for Christmas.

19:29

Hopefully, hopefully we'll get a cute bedazzled helmet

19:32

and that'll just get me. Maybe we can figure out

19:34

a bit. She can go through the back entrance of

19:36

the country club, but I'll tell you what, I'll tell

19:38

you what. I was in target.

19:40

I was bitching about the prices, but I was also

19:42

filled with the love of the Lord. You

19:45

know, it's fun when I don't have kids. And so

19:47

I'm texting my girlfriend to have kids. I was like,

19:49

did you know that these fucking Jurassic Park toys are

19:51

$60? And my, and

19:53

my friend said, you want to keep your money? You

19:55

want to enjoy it? Do not have children. And

19:58

I was appalled. way

20:00

regardless I want everybody out there

20:02

as kids right now you're running around you're doing

20:05

the Santa thing we all know that at the

20:07

end of the day Mrs. Claus dissolved it so

20:09

big shout out to all the mommies getting it

20:11

done and then the dads will sit there on

20:13

the couch Christmas Day and they will have no

20:15

idea what gifts are getting unwrapped and the mom

20:18

will whisper she like this isn't this is an

20:20

antenna this is an antenna yeah yeah but just

20:22

fucking shut the fuck up markets in Nintendo he's

20:24

like I thought the Nintendo was in the green

20:26

bag no mark I put the Nintendo in the

20:29

purple because it matches the color of the controllers

20:31

sweetie it's the Nintendo like I know

20:33

how that conversation went down because when

20:36

I go back and watch our home

20:38

videos these are the same conversations you

20:40

could hear my mom and dad arguing off-camera

20:43

you know what I mean and she's like

20:45

Kyle Kyle well I wasn't gonna

20:47

spend $200 on these girls they

20:49

don't need it he's like I told you to

20:51

get the Barbie dream car god damn it

20:54

now I gotta go out there on Christmas

20:56

night and see if the Walmart's open like

20:58

these were the conversation Robin was

21:00

being practical she was getting it done she

21:02

was doing the specific wrapping everything was perfect

21:04

everything that's underneath the tree and my dad would

21:06

just hand you $300 cash and

21:09

be like it's a wrap so either way we

21:11

all know that the ladies are getting

21:13

it done the ladies are getting it

21:15

done if you're a mom out there big shout

21:17

out I I'm thinking of you I hope

21:20

that you have patience I hope that

21:22

you're not losing your mind enjoy your

21:24

white mocha cappuccino your white mocha latte

21:27

you cruise around Target you get your coupons

21:29

ready because I'm gonna tell you this right

21:31

now at the end of the day we

21:33

know everybody knows the kids

21:36

know even if it's signed Santa

21:38

they know that y'all were the ones right on the

21:40

shelf and we're grateful for you and I'm not

21:42

shitting on the dad I'm not I'm not

21:44

shitting on the dads because I know the dads have to put

21:46

the toys together but if you don't

21:48

think they bitch and complain every fucking second they're

21:50

putting the toys together so why'd

21:52

you have to get a fucking easy-bake

21:55

oven with so many instructions and you're

21:57

like I tooth and

21:59

nail the fucking target off the

22:01

highway. I took two out of all

22:04

to get the job done. Now put it together."

22:07

Okay, Mark, you always said you were good

22:09

with your hands. Well, guess what? Shut up

22:12

and do it. Because you know what? Mrs.

22:14

Claus has been running the show since fucking

22:16

August and the lady reindeer are pulling your

22:18

fat ass around. So put the toys together

22:21

and cork it. Anyways, I

22:23

don't know why I'm such a tear, but

22:25

I will just tell you right now, wildly

22:27

surprised at the price of everything. I

22:31

mean, I kind of live on the road. I live

22:33

a simple life. I know hotels are expensive. That's why

22:35

I spend my money on airfare hotels. I

22:38

mean, hell, I got my clothes for free. Shout out to

22:40

show me your moo moo. I'll maybe

22:42

do a H&M's Zara order or something every

22:44

now and then, but I'll tell you what.

22:47

I'll tell you what. I was shocked and

22:49

appalled. So I get it. If

22:52

you're stressed out and just go ahead and warn your

22:54

kids. If you want to ... You know what? Okay, this is what I want

22:56

you to do. I know some of you all play my podcast while you're picking

22:58

up your kids for school. Horrible idea. But

23:00

if you want to say this little clip, let's timestamp

23:03

it. If you want to say this little clip, I'm

23:05

going to pretend to be Mrs. Claus and

23:07

I'm going to act out what we're going to say to your kids

23:09

this year. Okay, ready? Hi,

23:11

boys and girls. It's Mrs. Claus. I

23:14

know you're so excited for Christmas morning.

23:17

I just wanted to let you know that

23:19

I picked you specifically in a

23:22

special way because you've been so good this

23:24

year. Here's the deal. You

23:26

don't need shit for dick. So you're not

23:28

going to get anything this year. We decided

23:30

to take all of the toys that

23:32

you were going to get and give it to somebody

23:35

who deserves it. Yeah. Did

23:38

your T-ball team go to state? Fantastic.

23:40

Do you know how much that cost?

23:43

An arm and a leg. You're not getting

23:45

anything. But trust me, when you're 45, you'll

23:47

look back and say, I'm a better person for

23:49

it. Love you. See you next

23:52

year. I don't even know

23:54

what that was. Do not play that for your kids.

23:56

Do not play that for your kids. Absolutely do not

23:58

play that for your kids. But

24:00

I mean I'm telling you what, I'm getting

24:03

the charities right though too. After seeing how

24:05

much this shit cost, I'm going around, I was going to

24:07

get gifts for all my other friends, kids. I'm

24:09

going to have a photo of the child who actually needs

24:11

the toys and that's what they're getting. I

24:14

know I sound like Scrooge and the Grinch, but I'm just telling you,

24:16

I was shocked, shocked,

24:20

appalled. Listen,

24:22

we're getting into the voicemails. I want to see what you guys have

24:25

been up to. As always, you can call in 800-213-7503. I

24:29

hope you're listening to this with your AirPods in, just dicking

24:31

around, dicking around. I don't know what you're doing right

24:33

now. Maybe you're cleaning

24:36

out your dishwasher. Maybe

24:38

you're putting a little white vinegar on the top

24:41

rack. You're cleaning it out. Just learn that on

24:43

TikTok. We need to clean our dryers and our

24:45

washers and our dishwashers. Because what you're

24:47

thinking about is the things that clean, where does

24:49

the stuff that they clean, where does that dirty

24:52

stuff go? Yeah, it backs up,

24:54

bitch. It backs up. So

24:56

anywho, I don't know if you're on

24:58

a power walk. I don't know if

25:01

you're in the middle of fornicating. I

25:03

don't know what you're doing, you freaks. But

25:06

I hope that this is just going to give you

25:08

a little giggle. Let's

25:10

not make this serious. I'm not changing the

25:12

world. I'm just telling you my observations. But

25:14

let's get into the absolutely not line. Because I know y'all

25:16

have been up to just chaos. And I'm

25:19

very excited. Listen, if you're listening to this

25:21

episode, I want you after Christmas, right before

25:23

the new year. I want you

25:25

to call into the hotline. Let

25:27

me know what your holiday absolutely not

25:29

and yeses are. Our post Thanksgiving episodes

25:31

are always so incredible. I always get

25:34

so much feedback that y'all love hearing

25:36

about the chaos. So please do me a

25:38

favor after Christmas, after New Year's, at the

25:40

top of the year, call in so

25:42

we can dissect everything that you guys are going through. I

25:46

love nice things. I love fabulous silts.

25:48

I love great cashmere. I love to

25:51

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25:53

this is the reason why I love Quince. Quince

25:55

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26:00

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26:02

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26:04

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26:07

priced 50 to 80 percent less than similar

26:09

brands That's why i'm giving the gift of

26:11

quince buttery soft cashmere to my nearest and

26:13

dearest this year, dude No joke robin

26:15

mcmahon found quince like three years ago, but

26:17

everybody cashmere sweaters and then they approached me

26:19

with the podcast I'm like dude i've been

26:22

wearing quince's linen in the summer I wear

26:24

their silk their washable silk and all their

26:26

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26:28

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26:30

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26:32

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26:34

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26:36

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26:40

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27:04

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27:06

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27:08

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27:11

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27:13

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27:16

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28:48

All right, we're gonna get into the voicemails as always you can

28:50

call an 800-213-7503. Let's hit it Alright

28:55

Heather, I'm calling to let you

28:57

know about an absolutely not after

28:59

listening to all these family Drama

29:02

and absolutely not especially with the

29:04

extended family So

29:06

my grandfather about a couple years ago

29:10

He sent us all porn from my

29:13

grandmother's email account now. He does not

29:15

have his own email account So it

29:18

did say it was coming from her and

29:20

he meant to send it to a buddy

29:22

apparently always I guess that's what they're out.

29:25

You're doing these days RIP

29:27

to you know Robin dating

29:29

because what the hell is

29:31

going on these people these

29:33

men specifically? And

29:36

so anyways, he goes on his email every

29:38

day He said little forward is like, you

29:40

know send us 10 people or you'll have

29:42

bad luck type of deal Absolutely

29:45

sent porn to everybody and my

29:47

family had to decide what to do with that We

29:50

elected my dad who walks the porn because we said,

29:52

you know, someone's got to know we're all dying We

29:54

don't all want to watch it, but we just need

29:56

to know the gist Apparently it's

29:58

just kind of a talkless woman on the phone the airplane. So,

30:02

you know, that's

30:04

what my grandpa's into. And now when he

30:06

asked, why didn't you answer my email forward?

30:08

I said, because it might be

30:10

porn. So, absolutely not to that. I

30:12

love it. I love the specials, love

30:15

the LA shows. Love you. Bye. Okay,

30:17

this is fantastic. Nothing brings me more joy

30:19

than knowing that members of our elder, our

30:22

Silver Sneakers community are still enjoying

30:24

porn. First of all, I think

30:27

you need to respond to grandpa and say,

30:29

loved the girl with the big jugs on

30:31

the airplane. And I love that we nominated

30:33

your dad to look at the porn. I

30:36

would have been, I would have volunteered. I would

30:38

have clicked on it. I absolutely want to know

30:40

what grandpa is, you know, getting his rocks off

30:42

to. Here's the thing. If it's

30:44

just a topless lady on a plane, is

30:47

it porn? No. To me, that is like

30:49

going on Instagram. Okay, that is, that is

30:52

a, a scroll through Reddit. That

30:54

is just clicking on a Twitter or X

30:56

or wherever the fuck you call it. So

30:58

I think grandpa probably thought that was a

31:00

hoot and a half. He probably said,

31:02

ma'am, I didn't get your name. I'm going to call you

31:04

Kenzie. He probably was like, Kenzie would love this. Look

31:07

at her areolas. This is hysterical.

31:09

This must have been a Spirit

31:11

Airlines flight. Like check the subject

31:13

matter of the email. It's probably

31:15

like what happens on Spirit Airlines

31:17

stays on Spirit Airlines. Like grandpa

31:19

might actually be sending you some

31:21

fucking zingers. Also, I love that

31:23

he doesn't have his own email

31:25

address that he's low key sending

31:27

it through your deceased grandma's email.

31:30

That is classic. That is classic.

31:32

Papa. That is so classic. Papa.

31:34

It doesn't get more classic than

31:36

that. But I think you

31:38

need to respond, respond to that exact

31:40

chain and be like, look at those

31:42

jugs, Papa. And just see what he

31:44

says. He probably thinks, you know what

31:46

I mean? He's what? Maybe in his

31:48

eighties, he's probably cruising thinking like Kenzie's

31:50

don't think this is hysterical. Look

31:53

at them jugs on it. Spirit Airlines flight.

31:55

Now I used to find my dad's porn

31:57

all the time and it would make me gay.

32:00

It also made me feel good because I was like, all

32:02

right, he's watching pretty normal stuff. You know what

32:04

I mean? Like, it's not making me – I'm

32:06

good to know. And I know that sounds weird,

32:08

but when I had to go through my dead

32:10

dad's computer after he passed,

32:13

he had a folder. It was all

32:15

really normal, just kind of, I'd say

32:17

healthy porn. You know what I mean? Real

32:19

– I mean, nothing that

32:22

was like, okay, okay, I

32:24

don't know this man. You know what I mean? He

32:27

liked some titties and redheaded women, and that

32:29

made me feel good, I guess, about my

32:31

relationship with my dad. I can't wait for

32:34

somebody to just splice this up and really

32:36

put this out into the internet, ethosphere. Anyways,

32:38

regardless, I think you respond to the email.

32:41

I think you absolutely go, look at those

32:43

titties, Pa-Pa, and see what he says back.

32:47

If he is embarrassed, then you need to pull him

32:49

aside and say, Pa-Pa, here's the deal. Your

32:52

porn's getting sent out to everybody. You're clicking

32:54

reply all. Maybe sit him down. Maybe

32:57

this is the gift you give him this holiday season

32:59

is you sit him down and you say, I'm going

33:01

to show you how to be CC, I'm going to

33:03

show you how to CC, and I'm going to show

33:05

you how to just not fucking send porn. That's it.

33:08

That's a wrap. My

33:11

dad would always go into the men's

33:13

grill, which is the men's locker room.

33:15

I love that they call it the grill

33:18

at our country club after a round of golf, and he would

33:21

be sitting around smoking a cigar with

33:23

the guys, talking shit, having a scotch.

33:26

This is back in the day when you had

33:28

Yahoo or Hotmail, and he would sit there and

33:30

the guys would be telling jokes. They're all like

33:32

dad jokes. Then my dad would write

33:35

them down in an email. I was living in LA at the time. I

33:37

knew it was always like Sunday afternoon. I would get

33:40

an email with like 55 new

33:42

dad jokes. Dad's like, use us at

33:44

the next open mic. I don't know why I'm making him New

33:46

York. Use us at the next open

33:48

mic, baby girl. I'm like dad, these

33:51

were already jokes that one of your

33:53

buddies got off another Yahoo chain. I

33:56

cannot use this material. Thank you so

33:58

much. I'm glad you're here. good. But

34:00

it always filled me with so much joy

34:02

because it was like clockwork. My dad had

34:04

been at the club, smoking a

34:06

cigar. I would get this email. 10 new

34:09

jokes about catfish. And I'm like,

34:11

what? What is that?

34:14

He's like, so you have a tattoo in Heather, you're

34:16

going to be ready. Tattoo. Go down to the comedy

34:18

store and let them know what's good. And I'm like,

34:21

dad, you're not even that country. Like what?

34:24

And he'd be like, heard this in the men's grill.

34:26

I'm like, it's a locker room. Everybody fucking relax. Side

34:29

note, I don't know if I talked about this.

34:31

This men's grill at our country club is like

34:33

the biggest fucking deal. It's a

34:35

part of the locker room, but it's a

34:37

private club kind of it's just, it's an

34:40

extension of the locker room. These guys sit

34:42

in there nuts on a leather sofa. They

34:44

drink their scotch, they smoke their cigars, they

34:46

can order some food. They do whatever. It's

34:48

a men's place. Apparently there's

34:50

a lady now on the board of

34:53

the club and she thinks it should

34:55

be inclusive, that the lady should go

34:57

in there. So I bring

34:59

this up to Jeff. Now, mind you,

35:01

we have our own lady's locker room.

35:04

Just got remodeled. It's beautiful. Got every

35:06

kind of accessory, every kind of dry

35:08

shampoo. You forgot a tampon. You forgot

35:10

a hair clip. You forgot a brush.

35:13

We got it all. Okay. The amenities

35:15

are endless. So I asked

35:17

Jeff, I said, Jeff, what do you

35:19

think about, you know, integrating the

35:23

men's grill? And he's like, I

35:25

will let you come into the men's grill. They would

35:27

love you in there. You can see what the guy

35:30

who's drinking scotch, smoke a cigar. Bullshit. He goes,

35:32

but I got to let you know. There's

35:34

two guys in there that just sit nuts

35:36

on a leather couch. They're both, what would

35:38

you say Jeff? Like in their eighties? Okay.

35:47

So Jeff just said off camera, he said,

35:49

there's a secret guide code that over the

35:51

age of 65, you

35:53

just let your nuts out. He's like, I

35:55

would absolutely, he goes, you know, I'm a

35:57

feminist. I would love to have more women.

38:00

So, absolutely not that

38:03

flight attendant and just that

38:05

whole flight in general. Love and light. Okay,

38:07

the irony of this is, is that she's

38:10

shaming you for a Diet Coke, but little

38:12

does she know that you probably have six

38:14

kilos of cocaine strapped up your butthole. You

38:16

know what I mean? Like, you're telling me

38:18

you went to Mexico City and didn't do

38:20

a little cocaine. You went to Mexico City

38:22

and didn't come back with a couple souvenirs.

38:24

You know what I'm saying? Like, what? Okay,

38:26

come on. Here's the deal. I

38:28

used to be a Diet Coke shamer. My dad would

38:30

have 12 caffeine-free Diet Cokes a

38:33

day. And when he would fly, it was

38:35

the cutest thing before they had Yeti coolers.

38:37

He would have his little igloo cooler, his

38:39

little red cooler, just packed to the brim

38:41

with the caffeine-free Diet Cokes. I haven't had

38:43

a silver Diet Coke in 10 years, okay?

38:45

It was always the gold can, all right?

38:47

Because he wasn't trying to get juiced up

38:49

on the caffeine. When you have 12 Diet

38:51

Cokes a day, it'll kill you. Now, I

38:53

will say, when he originally died, I said,

38:55

that's it. I know it killed him. But he didn't have

38:58

a diet Coke. It was the Aspartame. It was the

39:00

food coloring. It was the fact that his

39:02

body couldn't process anything. Now, when I look

39:04

back, I do think it was probably for

39:06

the fact that he would carry his cell

39:08

phone on a belt clip right

39:11

on his right hip. He ended up

39:13

with pancreatic cancer. That's why I'm a

39:15

real weirdo. I don't put my laptop

39:17

on my lap. I charge my cell

39:19

phone in the bathroom like, I think

39:21

the radiation's going to take us out.

39:25

I'm saying the radiation's cooking us.

39:27

We are basically humans in an

39:29

air fryer between the cell phone

39:31

towers and the aliens just sending

39:35

rays to make us dumber. I mean,

39:37

we're getting cooked left and right. But

39:39

I will say, I used to be one of those

39:41

people. I was a Diet Coke shamer. I would slap

39:43

it out of your hand. I'd

39:46

say it killed my father. But upon later

39:48

on doing a little bit more research, I definitely think

39:50

it's because he had a cell phone on his hip.

39:52

When you were in the early 2000s, that's what you

39:54

did. You weren't a dad.

39:56

You weren't allowed to spread your seed into

39:59

the world unless You took the oath

40:01

that you were willing to have a

40:03

leather, a leather flap and a

40:05

belt clip on the little rummy tongue. You know

40:07

what I'm saying? And my dad had that because

40:09

my dad was a big technology guy. I mean,

40:12

we had the car cell phone. It

40:14

was in the sob. We had it in the sob for a

40:16

while. Yeah. And then we had an

40:18

old Jaguar Vandon Plause. We had this cell phone that went

40:20

in the car before anybody else did. Okay.

40:23

Because my grandfather was chief pilot for Delta.

40:25

He would fly over to Asia. My dad

40:27

had one of the first Walkman ever

40:30

in the United States. We've always been

40:32

technologically three steps ahead. And since my

40:34

father died, I can't figure out how

40:36

to change the thermostat. Okay.

40:38

I just, it shut down. Regardless

40:41

though, I used to be one of those

40:43

people. Oh my God. After my dad,

40:45

I was like, Oh, you want to drink diet coke? Good

40:48

luck to you. Good luck. And

40:51

let me tell you, I was on set. I was shooting a

40:53

pizza commercial the other day and I needed a, I needed a

40:55

pick me up. I couldn't do an

40:57

ice coffee though. And ice coffee was going to hurt

41:00

my stomach. And I got a

41:02

tall boy can of diet coke from the bodega around

41:04

the street. I put a straw in that bad boy

41:06

and I just, and

41:08

it set me right. And I

41:10

hadn't had one in probably seven years.

41:14

And I start, you

41:16

know, when it hits the back of the throat

41:18

and then you start getting that tingling in the

41:21

brain. And it was like I was back on

41:23

the Adderall's. I hadn't felt that zip, zap, zopy

41:25

in a minute. So I

41:27

get it. You

41:30

know, the rigatoni and macaroni are the true absolute

41:32

loves of my life. I could not live without

41:34

them. They're my babies and you know what? I

41:36

want to feed them the best of the best.

41:38

Y'all I love farmer's dog. My vet has approved

41:40

of it, which is the number one green flag

41:42

to me is that my vet said, this is

41:44

fantastic. I love farmer's dog one

41:46

because they make it so easy to feed

41:48

your dog the best of the best farmer's

41:51

dog makes and delivers fresh healthy dog food.

41:53

It's developed by vets, nutritionally balanced and made

41:55

from real healthy ingredients to human food safety

41:57

standards. It's the best option for dogs at all

41:59

life. stages because it's not just kibble, it's

42:02

not canned goo, it's real healthy food. Dude,

42:04

when I get up in the morning and

42:06

I say breakfast, these dogs go absolutely buck

42:09

wild for it. They absolutely love it. One

42:11

thing I really do love too about

42:14

it is that it comes pre-packaged in

42:16

the right amount. Like I go online, I can fill

42:18

out, okay, you know, one of my dogs is allergic

42:20

to poultry so they make sure they send me a

42:22

different meat option and I put in their weight, you

42:25

know, their breed, all the pertinent information and they send

42:27

it to me in a nice frozen

42:29

pack directly to my door. I thought out

42:31

the night before and those dogs go wild

42:33

for it. Their coats are shiny, the

42:35

vet is so thrilled, they're able

42:37

to keep a nice healthy weight,

42:39

they're not below, they're not above,

42:42

it's just the best of the

42:44

best. Listen, get 50% off your

42:46

first box of fresh healthy food

42:48

at the farmersdog.com/absolutely. Plus you get

42:50

free shipping. Just go to the

42:52

farmersdog.com/absolutely. Go to the the farmersdog.com/absolutely

42:55

to get 50% off your

42:57

first box plus free shipping. You're gonna thank me

42:59

later and hey you might get some puppy kisses.

43:01

Now back to the podcast. This

43:03

is what I think you say. I love

43:06

when people come back with just like a

43:08

curveball. Next time if you're on

43:10

a flight say, ma'am, thank you so much

43:12

for that concern about the diet coke but

43:14

I think the real cocaine that I did

43:16

this weekend is gonna do more harm or

43:19

just turn her and go, I've got

43:21

two months to live. I was on

43:23

my Make-A-Wish trip to Mexico City. I

43:26

just wanted to eat some street tacos, see some

43:28

art and it'd be immersed

43:30

in a culture that I don't know enough about because I've

43:32

got a week to live. Just fucking give

43:34

it right back. But

43:36

yeah the diet coke shaming, we got to let it

43:38

go. I mean if I think about the things that

43:41

are really killing me, the dry shampoo, the

43:43

sunless tanner, you

43:46

know what I mean? The methamphetamines that

43:48

we did for a long time. Those

43:50

are gonna be the things that are gonna take us out. But

43:53

don't you love it? Also I feel

43:55

like whatever flight you were

43:58

on coke was probably Coca-Cola. the

44:00

brand was a sponsor, was

44:03

an affiliate, was a partner, and

44:05

maybe this little lady, she

44:07

piped down in the

44:10

words of King Curtis from Wise Swap, she's

44:13

just a smart little girl,

44:15

ain't she? She's just a smart little girl.

44:19

And we're just a sorry people. Actually,

44:23

that's going to be my response to everything. Well,

44:25

you just think you're a smart little girl. And

44:27

what are we, the sorry people? And

44:30

they're like, ma'am, you're at Valvoline. We just wanted to let you

44:32

know that your oil change is going to be $39. Well, aren't you a

44:36

smart little girl? And I guess I'm just a

44:38

sorry people. Bacon is good for

44:40

me. So do you want

44:42

the oil change or not? But I

44:44

said bacon is good for me. Okay,

44:46

I don't, are you trying

44:49

to do a bit, ma'am? We just need to, we just need

44:51

to change the oil in the outing. You're

44:53

just a smart little girl. And then they're just like,

44:55

you need to leave. You need to leave. I love

44:58

doing a bit on somebody who didn't see it coming.

45:00

And then they don't want to be a part of

45:02

it. And then we just keep it going. And then

45:04

I'm banned from those establishments. Those are fun. God,

45:07

King Curtis, I wonder where he is now. I wonder

45:10

where he is now. Listen, I'm

45:12

sorry, you got Diet Coke shame, but you got to realize

45:14

when somebody comes in with the shame, oh, you're a mayonnaise?

45:16

That always piss me off. And

45:18

be like, are you eating mayonnaise? You

45:20

like mayonnaise? The creamier the better. I

45:23

like white creamy substances, sour cream,

45:25

put it on my body. Mayonnaise,

45:27

put it on my body. Some sort

45:29

of, you know, obviously our ranch dressing,

45:31

put it on my body. Blue cheese,

45:34

put it in my holes. Okay, I

45:36

love it. There is nothing worse than

45:38

when you get these people have an

45:40

aversion to a white sauce, which you

45:42

know what? Could technically be racist.

45:46

We don't, you like sour cream. You

45:48

like things that are white? Well, I am white. Do

45:50

you have a problem? I

45:52

like everything though. I like gravy. I

45:54

like brown gravy. I like Worcestershire. I

45:57

like a board of legs. I

45:59

like a demi-glace. Okay, I'm

46:01

a saucy kind of bitch. There

46:04

is nothing worse than when you were in line

46:06

at Publix getting a Pub sub and somebody goes,

46:08

man-ish, man-ish.

46:11

Yeah, the creamier the better. I

46:14

was at Henmother the other day and

46:17

Sarai and I were talking. She's a chef, owner, purveyor,

46:19

all of the goods, all the things that you call

46:21

the people who are in charge and

46:24

she brought me out a little dill ranch that

46:26

she made. She's got a great, great goddess

46:28

dressing on the menu. They make their own hot sauce.

46:30

I said, listen, Sarai, I got sweet potato fries. You

46:32

haven't had a ranch back there. She said,

46:35

bitch, I have a homemade one that I made for family

46:37

meal. She brought me a ranch

46:39

and it was so fucking good. I said,

46:41

Sarai, if you want to go into

46:43

business, we could start our own line.

46:45

You know what I mean? We

46:47

could start a dressing line. That's

46:50

the goal. I don't know if you know this and you

46:52

can't see it on my vision board, but we're going to do vision boards at

46:54

the top of next year. One

46:56

of the things in my, I'd say 10 to

46:59

five year plan is to be my own Paul

47:01

Newman. I want to have a dressing line.

47:03

I want to have a party platter line. I

47:06

would like for you to know that you're getting the Heather

47:08

Delight. You know, maybe we

47:10

have a dill pickle ranch. Maybe we

47:12

have just a dill dill ranch. Maybe

47:14

we have a bacon bits ranch, all

47:17

organic, gluten free, fucking high end. It'll

47:19

cost you an arm and a leg, but you're going

47:21

to take this ranch to parties and you're going to

47:23

go, that's the best fucking ranch I've ever had. Who

47:25

made it? Do you know the comedian

47:27

Heather McMahon? Wow. What a

47:30

tastemaker. She believes she could and she fucking did.

47:32

Let's get to the next voicemail. Hey

47:34

Heather, it's Lori from North Carolina, but I

47:36

gather you could have known that from

47:38

my accent anyway. I have

47:41

absolutely not. I've been kind of, I have

47:43

to admit, I've been kind of overdoing it

47:45

on the gummies and maybe eating a

47:47

little more than I should. And

47:51

I proceed to get online and shop,

47:53

okay, which I can kind of deal with. Yeah.

47:57

I also get

47:59

on social media. and make like

48:01

fucked up comments and that's

48:04

not okay. But

48:07

last night I got online and

48:09

I got a burbo in the mountains

48:11

for this weekend. A burbo. I

48:14

guess I thought I needed a vacation but it's Christmas

48:16

and I have a lot of shit to do but

48:19

I can't cancel because it's too close so I've got

48:21

to go out of town this weekend. Things

48:26

are getting out of control but I don't

48:28

see me curbing my usage until well

48:31

into the new year. So I'm

48:33

just gonna have to live with whatever bizarre

48:35

shit I do when I'm on gummies. I

48:37

don't know if it does that to you or not

48:39

or if I'm not. Having some

48:42

kind of weird side effect on me. But

48:44

anyway, love you girl. Bye. Listen,

48:46

there is nothing better when the side effect of

48:48

doing drugs is just purchasing items. Okay, that is

48:50

the best feeling in the world and I said

48:53

a couple weeks ago like I'm at the point

48:55

of the season where I just need to buy

48:57

things and eat things and drink things and just

48:59

be frivolous and just kind of lay around in

49:01

the sun and maybe fart a little bit outdoors.

49:04

You know that's where I'm at. That's where

49:06

I'm at emotionally, physically, mentally, all those things.

49:08

This is great. This is fantastic. First of

49:10

all, what a North Carolina accent. I'm obsessed.

49:13

Also, I love that you called VRBO,

49:15

verbo. I got me a verbo in

49:18

the mountains and it looks like I got an out. I

49:21

went on a trip this weekend. That's great.

49:23

What a great blessing that when you do

49:25

drugs, you wake up the next day and

49:28

you plan something. That means you're

49:30

proactive on the drugs. You're getting

49:32

through your Christmas shopping list. Tinkering

49:34

away on the internet. So

49:36

you're telling me you take gummies and you

49:38

book a vacation. You buy some goods. You

49:40

maybe do an Instacart order. I don't know

49:42

what you're doing, but it sounds like you're

49:44

still being proactive. I take a

49:46

gummy. Next thing you know, I am

49:49

hysterically crying holding my dogs

49:52

like both kind of like a light headlock.

49:54

Not like I'm hurting them, but they're just

49:56

nestled against my bosom and I just cry,

49:59

cry for. two hours until Jeff comes

50:01

up to find me. And he's like,

50:03

are you good? And I'm like, they're

50:05

not gonna live forever. The

50:08

last two times I've taken gummies, I've gone cry. And

50:12

that's not where I usually am. I usually hit the

50:14

weed pen. I miss a weed pen, I gotta get

50:16

another one. I usually hit the weed pen and I

50:18

start cleaning the closet. You know what I mean? I

50:20

start vacuuming the baseboards. I like to

50:23

get a little sativa. I like to be zip,

50:25

zap, zap, and I like to get something done

50:27

but I can turn my mind off. I've been

50:29

so high on a sativa weed pen cleaning my

50:31

closet. I thought I was listening to a podcast

50:33

the whole time. I was in complete silence. And

50:36

Jeff comes up and he's like, what

50:38

are you giggling at? I'm like, this

50:40

podcast, there's nothing on. I'm

50:43

like, sorry. You know,

50:45

that's a great thing though. But see, this

50:47

is also a testament to what I was

50:49

saying earlier about Mrs. Claus and the female

50:51

reindeer. Women still get things done. You go

50:53

to a frat house with a bunch of

50:55

bros that are high as a kite. They've

50:57

melted into the couch. They're all maybe, you

51:00

know, scratching their nuts. They're

51:02

just like, coral, give me a

51:04

coral. Meanwhile,

51:06

women take edibles. We're up

51:08

there tinker-tankering on the internet.

51:10

I just ordered a new shark vacuum. I

51:13

just ordered a new shark air purifier.

51:15

I decided that I felt in my

51:17

state of arousal, my state of highness,

51:19

I'm like, the air quality

51:21

doesn't seem right. Next thing you know, I've done 45

51:23

minutes of YouTube on how to fix the air quality

51:26

in your home. I'm now

51:28

making toxic free homemade candles,

51:31

throwing out all the, you know, the

51:34

fucking Fabuloso and the plugins, all the

51:36

glade plugins that are causing cancer. I'm

51:38

throwing those out the window. And

51:41

now I've got a boiling pot of

51:43

cinnamon sticks and cranberries

51:45

and boysenberries and a little

51:48

peppermint essential oil. And

51:50

I've made my home non-toxic. You

51:52

give Jeff a gummy, he sits on the back of

51:54

a boat at Turks and Geckos and doesn't speak for

51:56

six and a half hours. No.

52:00

That's not how it goes, Jeff. We're

52:02

going to the Turks soon at the top of the year. Okay,

52:05

and I know Jeff's gonna take the gummies

52:07

when we go to the sandbar, and I'm

52:09

gonna be making content and doing videos and

52:11

giggling and making dinner plans and that, that,

52:13

that. And Jeff's just gonna be sitting on

52:15

the sandbar with this giant sun hat, just

52:17

like, so

52:21

you, ma'am, you don't need to feel guilty. Good for

52:23

you. Your subconscious said you

52:25

needed a trip to the mountains and you

52:27

know where you're going. Cashers,

52:29

North Carolina. You

52:31

know where you're going? Hey, it's

52:34

Carolina, trails California

52:36

somewhere greener, somewhere

52:39

warmer. Do

52:41

you know that song? You should. Oh,

52:44

so good. So

52:47

good. Hey, if anybody's a member of Mountain Top,

52:49

which I believe is by Cashers, I would like

52:51

an invite. This is really a

52:53

comment directed towards Mary Beth Cole, but I would

52:55

like an invite to Mountain Top. I'm just saying

52:57

it's very rich and you have to like get in. I've

53:00

been to Blackberry Farm, loved it, but I would like

53:02

to go to Mountain Top, okay? Thank you for calling. Let's

53:04

get to the next voicemail. Hi Heather,

53:06

this is Brittany from New York, just

53:08

calling in with an absolutely not, but

53:10

that might just be an absolute enough for

53:13

myself. However, Christmas cards. Oh, I

53:15

hate them. I hate spending a hundred plus

53:17

dollars on Christmas cards. So I don't. And

53:20

then I feel like a piece of shit because

53:22

all the other families send Christmas cards. And I

53:24

had a great idea. I was gonna put my

53:26

pregnancy announcement on a Christmas card, have my son

53:28

holding up the sonogram. Then I got to check

53:30

out and it was a hundred dollars. And why

53:32

the fuck am I spending a hundred dollars on

53:34

Christmas cards to stay up for two weeks and

53:36

be thrown away? Absolutely not. Love

53:39

you, bye. I love you. I

53:41

don't wanna be redundant on this podcast, but I know we

53:43

have a lot of new followers here. I went on a

53:45

rant like two years ago about these fucking Christmas cards,

53:48

but this is before we did videos. So I'm gonna

53:50

do a very, a very shortened

53:52

abbreviated version of my feelings. Here's

53:54

the deal. If you

53:56

send me a rundown of

53:58

where, what. What the Millers did

54:00

this year and I get a

54:03

rundown of what all your kids have accomplished, all

54:05

the things you've done. It's

54:07

like Gary Jr. He's

54:09

on the travel T-ball team. They

54:12

won the All Star Championship. Sweet

54:15

little baby Melissa, learned how to walk.

54:18

Then our other kid named Randy. Randy

54:24

got expelled from kindergarten. You know they always

54:26

had that one kid. You're

54:29

always getting a rundown of like four kids

54:31

and then there's the one kid. They're like,

54:33

and Randy got expelled again. This

54:37

is the one kid you're like, I will actually,

54:39

I will read if you

54:41

send me a rundown, a breakdown of

54:43

what y'all did this year, all your

54:46

Miller family accomplishments, I will

54:48

wait to find the problematic kid. We all

54:50

know which kid is the problematic one and

54:52

that's all I want. I don't want to

54:54

know about your stellar All Star kids, on

54:56

a rolled child. I don't want to know

54:59

that your little princess queen Isabel is doing

55:01

the ballets. I want to know how fucking

55:03

Randy's doing. I want to know about how

55:05

little Trevor, you know, it's always a kid

55:07

named Trevor. They're like, and Trevor got

55:10

out of juvie. That's all I want to

55:12

know. I have a lot of

55:14

crusty white friends that send me breakdowns of

55:16

all of their children and they

55:18

all have one problematic child. Just

55:20

literally be like, happy holidays. And

55:22

by the way, Trevor quit biting

55:24

people. That's all I want to

55:27

know. That's all I want to know. Just

55:29

let me know. Like Isabel,

55:31

you know, Isabel, Jared and

55:33

Jonathan are doing great and

55:35

Trevor quit biting children at

55:37

school. Trevor is going to move

55:40

on to second grade, even though he's repeated

55:42

first grade 16 times.

55:44

That's what I want to know. We're all rolling

55:47

down the list of your other kids that

55:49

we know are doing well and we're waiting

55:51

to hear the tea from Trevor. That's

55:54

what we're waiting on. So go

55:56

ahead. Send me a mug

55:58

shot from juvie and just be like. Here's

56:00

how you can add money on the commissary. That's

56:02

what I want to know. I Cannot

56:05

stand the rundown of the year.

56:07

That's social medias for listen.

56:10

Okay. I'm already clicking on the kids

56:12

photos I too take a

56:15

gummy and will comment on the t-ball

56:17

all-star winning photo. Let's go boys That's

56:20

right. The Raptors did it again.

56:22

I'm I love doing that. I

56:24

love Pumping people

56:26

up my love language I think my

56:28

giving one is word words of affirmation.

56:30

I love for people to feel good.

56:32

That really genuinely makes me feel good

56:34

I'm gonna comment. Oh shit Isabelle

56:36

did appear a wet at the damn recital

56:40

I'm gonna be pumped for you. I always have

56:42

been But I want

56:44

to know how Trevor's doing we all

56:46

want to know that Okay,

56:49

so give us what we want also

56:52

the X miss cards the Christmas cards It's

56:54

great. But again now you're seeing

56:56

the gifts are already six hundred dollars

56:58

now on top of that I gotta

57:01

force my family to all sit under one

57:03

roof for 15 minutes put on some

57:05

itchy Sort of blazer and

57:07

we're all gonna take photos. No, no one

57:10

has time for that You know, if you

57:12

send me a really highly decorated Photoshop

57:15

photo I'm into that but

57:17

I don't want to see everyone on the beach and all

57:19

white because you know what? I have

57:21

never been able to do that my family,

57:23

you know We're reactive not proactive and

57:25

we have never we took one Christmas

57:28

photo and it wasn't even gonna be

57:30

our Christmas photo We went on this epic

57:32

trip to Scotland back in 2007

57:35

and we all got matching kilts and

57:37

I will put this photo up on the internet

57:40

and my dad's sitting in front and he's Got

57:42

a little coin purse the traditional Scottish coin purse

57:44

the covering his um, you know Nuts

57:46

and then he's got a little knee-high socks and

57:48

my mom my sister and I are all standing

57:50

behind him You know nice little we made little

57:53

fists and we put our little hands on his

57:55

shoulders Like his little

57:57

Scottish princesses and that's the one we

57:59

sent down And I did it I

58:01

did it because I thought it was hysterical

58:04

and everybody got that and saved it And

58:06

that's the last real strong memory of the

58:08

McMahon family together. Okay, cuz then he died

58:12

You know what send me a Christmas card and let

58:14

me know who died That's

58:16

what I want to recap of Trevor quit biting

58:19

other kids and guess what all of these people

58:21

died That's what I need to know. I don't

58:23

know what I want to know about your accolades

58:27

Maybe put on there. Hey started olympic lost

58:29

45 pounds. I'm gonna fucking

58:31

put that on my fridge's motivation. I Do

58:34

not need to see you and your

58:36

matching family all in white t-shirts and

58:38

you know, it's light colored denim on

58:41

the beach of 30 a looking

58:44

jovial That does

58:46

nothing for me. I want to open

58:48

up the Christmas card and go dude

58:51

mark lost 40 What does

58:53

it say the asterisk says he did the

58:55

manjaro and Trevor quit biting kids. That's what's

58:57

up You know what? The Millers had a

59:00

fucking good year. Look how much

59:02

they've improved from last year That's

59:04

what I want to know because we

59:06

all know your other kids are doing

59:08

things. They're doing hockey. They're doing baseball

59:10

They're doing the cheerleading. We get it

59:12

y'all get do a lot of shit

59:14

on Saturdays. Great I want to

59:16

know is the sex still

59:18

good put that in a note. Thank you

59:21

Got time for one last voicemail. I

59:24

love that the fucking don't feel pressure if you didn't get

59:26

the Christmas cards out this year Hey, you know what? You

59:28

can also do text your friends. Here's a

59:30

cute photo of my kids. Aren't they adorable? Merry

59:33

Christmas? That's what's up brat brat, you know, all

59:35

right. Let's get to the last one. Hi Heather

59:37

I just left my

59:40

very first full body wax that includes

59:42

armpits Brazilian Which I normally do and

59:44

all of my legs and random other

59:46

bits of me as well And

59:48

if my boyfriend does not propose next week

59:50

on our trip like has been hinted but

59:52

not enough that I feel like he's heavily

59:54

Hinted that will be a fucking absolutely not

59:56

hopefully I'll be calling back with an absolutely.

59:58

Yes that he did but if

1:00:01

not we'll have problems

1:00:05

on top of me getting our house together

1:00:07

dogs together planning the entire trip that

1:00:10

just sent me over the edge so

1:00:12

yeah love and

1:00:14

light bye okay

1:00:17

I'm already so stressed out for you I'm

1:00:19

gonna go ahead and tell you this right now I don't think he's

1:00:21

proposing if you had to plan the

1:00:24

whole trip and then you had

1:00:26

to plan where the dogs were going to be

1:00:28

boarded you've made that arrangement

1:00:30

you went ahead bought the flights you did this whether

1:00:33

it's on his credit card or not even if he

1:00:35

threw his hands up and said you know what we're

1:00:37

gonna go somewhere special you plan the trip and

1:00:40

then you think you're gonna somehow get a ring on that

1:00:42

trip nyunyunyunyunyun

1:00:44

you don't want it you know what

1:00:46

you want for the proposal you're coming

1:00:49

in smooth as a seal you've

1:00:51

put your body and mind through hell

1:00:54

you just got wax from tip to

1:00:56

paint and then you still have to

1:00:58

make the arrangements no

1:01:01

you don't want it you

1:01:03

say hey when you are

1:01:05

ready to propose you

1:01:07

make the plans you know it will

1:01:09

be obvious to you there's

1:01:11

nothing worse than you planning the whole vacation and

1:01:13

then he has the moment to shine this is

1:01:15

so full circle this is what I was talking

1:01:17

about earlier fucking Santa gets

1:01:19

to ride around on the sleigh

1:01:23

meanwhile the women have done all the back work

1:01:25

that's not what we're doing anymore

1:01:28

enough enough

1:01:32

if you plan the trip and you got

1:01:34

the dogs to boarding and you pulled the

1:01:37

fucking away luggage from I don't know the

1:01:40

attic and you've got

1:01:42

the packing cubes on Amazon and

1:01:44

you did all the laundry and made sure he had

1:01:46

clean little Lululemon drawers and you

1:01:48

pulled out the bathing suits from

1:01:51

the basement he

1:01:54

doesn't then get to get on one knee

1:01:56

and say marry me because you've done

1:01:58

it all that's not how it works works.

1:02:00

No. And I know

1:02:02

the guy's right saying, well, he probably just spent

1:02:05

about $30,000 on a ring. You

1:02:07

know, she just, she's never satisfied.

1:02:09

In my response, so you would be like,

1:02:11

I say you're just a sorry little girl.

1:02:13

Now you're such a smart little girl and

1:02:15

we're just sorry people. If

1:02:18

he gets down on one knee, you have

1:02:20

to. You absolutely, even if you're ready to

1:02:22

say yes, even if you're like, whatever, this

1:02:24

is just our relationship. I always plan everything.

1:02:27

You absolutely have to respond to him like

1:02:29

King Curtis. I say, you just say you're

1:02:31

a smart little girl and I'm just a

1:02:33

sorry people. And he's gonna be like, what?

1:02:37

Will you marry me? I don't know. Vikings

1:02:39

kid for me. Just

1:02:41

do it. Do it, record it, tag me

1:02:43

in it because this is what I need in my life.

1:02:46

This is so Christmas. This is so

1:02:48

the holidays. This is so everything. We

1:02:50

plan it all. And then

1:02:52

the guys will be like, well, when I do it,

1:02:55

you pitching a blank. When I pick a restaurant for

1:02:57

dinner, you're upset because you didn't do a good job.

1:03:00

You didn't do a good job. Jeff's the one thing he

1:03:03

really fights with me. I'll be like, hey, women

1:03:05

just want men to be proactive. That's all

1:03:07

we want. Make a plan. And

1:03:09

then Jeff will say, well, when I make a plan, you

1:03:12

don't like the plan. Here's

1:03:14

the thing. Jeff, you're sitting here. If

1:03:16

I say, hey, it's date night, we're going somewhere on a

1:03:19

Friday night and you make a reservation within two

1:03:21

miles of our home, that's not gonna work for

1:03:23

me. I need thought put

1:03:25

into it. You know, like the 10 places I

1:03:27

like in town. That's what I want. Jeff will

1:03:29

be like, well, let's just go up to the

1:03:31

steakhouse up the street. We go there all

1:03:33

the time. I don't want to go there. It's not

1:03:36

a date night. Okay.

1:03:41

Jeff's argument. I don't know if you can hear it.

1:03:43

Jeff's argument is, so if we lived on Park Avenue,

1:03:45

we couldn't go anywhere. I need that work there. No,

1:03:47

Jeff, we probably couldn't because if we lived on Park

1:03:49

Avenue, we'd be going to our little sushi spot or

1:03:51

we go to Hillstone all the time. And

1:03:54

so then we were having a date night and you said, let's

1:03:56

just go get a spinach dip down the street. That's not a

1:03:58

date night. just want

1:04:00

guys to put in the effort. I don't

1:04:02

think he's proposing to you because you plan the whole trip.

1:04:04

I'm so sorry. If he doesn't, I want

1:04:06

you to call back in, please call back in. And we will

1:04:08

dissect whether or not you're going to stay in this relationship in

1:04:11

2024. I think

1:04:13

a lot of the women listening right now are like, eh, I don't

1:04:15

know. But if, if it's always

1:04:17

been that way in your relationship, he may be

1:04:19

surprising you and if he does, you're absolutely allowed

1:04:21

to say yes. Cause unfortunately this is the way

1:04:23

the world works. Women, we've just set ourselves up.

1:04:25

We've let the men do all the shit and

1:04:27

we set them up for success. And we send

1:04:30

them out the door every morning and

1:04:32

we're like, go get, go

1:04:34

get all the credit. But if he

1:04:37

does, you absolutely, whether you're shocked, surprised,

1:04:39

you want to cry. No, no, no,

1:04:41

no. You say, well, aren't you smart

1:04:43

little girl and we're just a story

1:04:45

people. Before you

1:04:47

say yes. And then you have to send it to me. You just

1:04:49

send me the video and I'll make you

1:04:52

internet famous. Wow. But nothing

1:04:54

worse than getting every bit, turn,

1:04:56

twist, corner. Every

1:04:59

square foot of your body waxed. You

1:05:03

know, I kind of like it though. Ooh,

1:05:05

when they get the back, when they get that Brazilian

1:05:07

in the back, I don't even care also side note,

1:05:09

you're waxing and doing all this now. Once you get

1:05:11

married, they like it a little, they like a little

1:05:14

friction. They like a little,

1:05:16

little five o'clock shadow on that, you

1:05:19

know, coochie. That's

1:05:21

right. Jessle freak, but

1:05:24

there's, you always should keep your butt hole smooth. I'm

1:05:26

just letting you know that right now. That should always

1:05:28

be smooth. However you take care of it, that should,

1:05:31

let's definitely keep that smooth. You know what

1:05:33

I mean? Anyways, listen, I

1:05:35

know that you guys know that we're doing

1:05:37

the most. If you're stressed out about the

1:05:40

price of everything right now, take a breather.

1:05:42

Maybe tell your kids, we're going

1:05:44

to go on a trip. We're going to do something. You

1:05:46

know, I don't know, maybe hit a TJ Maxx for a discounted

1:05:48

toy, but I just want you to know that I see you.

1:05:51

I don't have the answers. Of course, you're still going to have

1:05:53

to get your kids a gift, but I want you to know

1:05:55

that I see you and I understand parents in a new way.

1:05:58

I absolutely understand. the frustration,

1:06:00

the expectations, all these things you guys

1:06:03

are required to do to keep these

1:06:05

kids who you love and adore happy

1:06:08

in your life but they're little shits 99% of the time.

1:06:12

You don't should feel the need to send me

1:06:14

a Christmas card. I don't care but if your kid

1:06:17

you know has been held back I want to know if he's

1:06:19

moving forward. If

1:06:22

your grandpa's sending porn you

1:06:25

gotta respond. Keep papa on his

1:06:27

toes and if somebody's shaming

1:06:29

you for drinking a Diet Coke let

1:06:32

him know that's the least of your problem. I

1:06:35

love you guys. I know Santa's coming. Santa

1:06:38

Claus is coming to town

1:06:41

but he's got a harem of women getting him there and

1:06:43

I know a lot of the ladies who listen to this

1:06:45

podcast feel the same way and if you're one of the

1:06:47

guys I want you to know we love you, we appreciate

1:06:49

you and just a heads up you

1:06:52

really want to get a blow job for Christmas? Plan

1:06:55

something, do something, unexpected.

1:06:57

Doesn't have to be a gift

1:06:59

doesn't have to spend money. Do

1:07:01

something sweet, unexpected because when women

1:07:03

get surprised we'll

1:07:06

suck your dick and that's on God.

1:07:08

Listen I love you I mean it please make

1:07:10

sure you call in to the podcast.

1:07:12

We've got one more episode this year we're going to round

1:07:14

out the end of the year with Raymond and I doing

1:07:16

our Rose and Thorns of the Year and then we're going

1:07:19

to start the new year fresh. Get the vision boards ready.

1:07:21

If you have a chance go to Hobby Lobby get some

1:07:23

poster board get the magazines, print out the photos. We're going

1:07:25

to do it. Now you know 99% of that is

1:07:28

sarcasm. Somebody was like you're running

1:07:30

vision board I do it because I like to

1:07:32

arts and crafts and do you know scrapbooky things

1:07:36

but also if you look on my vision board a lot

1:07:38

of this shit came true. Can't

1:07:40

hurt to sit down and have an honest

1:07:42

conversation with yourself and your expectations for yourself

1:07:44

because guess what? Christmas everybody expects something else

1:07:46

from you so let's go into the new

1:07:48

year with expectations from yourself right?

1:07:51

God I'm so good at this. Anyways I

1:07:53

love you I mean it make sure you call in 800-213-7503 after the

1:07:55

holiday. I want to hear your

1:07:58

absolutely not yeses. And also remember,

1:08:00

get your tickets at heatherontour.com. I am going

1:08:03

on the road. We're coming to Australia. We're

1:08:05

going to Florida. We're going to Kentucky. I'm

1:08:07

going to the West Coast, Salt Lake City,

1:08:09

Sacramento. Get your tickets. These shows are gonna

1:08:11

sell out. Don't wait to the last minute.

1:08:13

If you don't know what to get somebody

1:08:15

for the holidays, get them tickets to my

1:08:17

show, the gift that always keeps giving. Because

1:08:20

if you come to my show, you might get laid, you

1:08:22

might go into labor, or you might find the

1:08:24

love of your life. And that's a beautiful day. I love you. I

1:08:26

mean it. I'll see you on the next episode.

1:08:29

Arrivederci. Merry Christmas, happy holidays.

1:08:31

Happy Kwanzaa, happy Hanukkah, all the best.

1:08:33

I love you, I mean it. Bye, y'all. Thanks

1:08:37

so much for listening to today's episode. Don't

1:08:39

forget to subscribe, rate us, and leave a

1:08:41

review. And as always, follow

1:08:43

me on Instagram at Heather K. McMahon.

1:08:46

See you guys soon. ♪ I wanna play in the

1:08:48

mood, I'm a pretty girl ♪ ♪

1:08:52

I'm a little overrated, make me go

1:08:54

crazy ♪ ♪

1:08:56

I'm a little overrated, please don't make it too

1:08:58

funny ♪ ♪

1:09:00

I hate being silly, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

1:09:12

Please note that this episode may contain

1:09:14

paid endorsements and advertisements for products and

1:09:16

services. Individuals on the show may have

1:09:19

a direct or indirect financial interest in

1:09:21

products or services referred to in this

1:09:23

episode.