0:01

The. Following podcast is a Deer Media

0:03

Production. Welcome

0:08

to the Absolutely Not Podcast where we

0:10

do the most in the least at

0:12

the same damn time. I'm your Host

0:14

Heather Mcmahon. Hello

0:22

Ladies and Gentlemen A welcome to another episode

0:25

of the Absolutely Not Podcast I'm your host

0:27

other make me and how area who we

0:29

are but a great week. We.

0:31

Did a nice little blow out today. Let

0:33

me get this. Might take. Did.

0:35

A little blow out today, you know?

0:38

got those velcro rollers out. I

0:40

got a fucking cowlick at the top of my

0:42

head and I've always had it. But.

0:44

Because my here is growing back. From.

0:47

You know, Not. Being.

0:50

On my dad. It. Is

0:52

like if I don't get the

0:54

fuck and velcro rollers out if

0:56

I don't get a round brush

0:58

if I don't put so much.

1:00

Wheel. And. Deep

1:03

conditioning and d tangling

1:05

Bullshit. On. The top of

1:07

my head which then only allows me

1:09

to stay not greasy for about. Fourteen

1:13

Hours. Then. This cow

1:15

lick. Just. Has a mind of

1:17

a job, And. Everywhere I

1:19

go, like all week. All. My

1:21

friends are just can I lick their hand

1:23

you know and then can a white me

1:25

down and I'm like I know, I know,

1:28

it's the fucking cow. Like I don't know

1:30

why I'm about to turn thirty seven in

1:32

this thing is hop and off. Like.

1:35

It it's Spring Break Ninety Three.

1:38

So. I'm I'm fine for my life over

1:40

here. So if you're watching this on you

1:42

tube, lay off me. K. Did

1:44

a full blow up this morning. And.

1:46

I had a lot of fucking fake here and here. So.

1:49

Leave me alone. Anyways, what's going

1:51

on? Hope you guys are having

1:53

a fantastic week! I am

1:55

very excited. We. get lotta shit

1:58

happening in these next couple weeks down pipeline

2:00

and I again am trying to be

2:02

present, trying to be

2:04

proactive, not reactive, but

2:07

it is very hard for me right now to

2:09

center my brain because today after I wrap

2:11

this podcast I got to go home and I'm packing

2:13

for the following places, Las

2:15

Vegas, LA, Auckland

2:18

New Zealand, two and a half

2:20

weeks in Australia. It's

2:23

a lot. I'm hitting a lot of

2:25

different climates, I'm hitting a lot of different

2:27

activities and

2:29

I gotta and I'm you know I gotta get

2:31

the brain right. The ADD,

2:34

I'm making a list y'all. I have realized the

2:36

one thing that is truly helping me. If

2:39

you're struggling a little bit right now

2:41

and you feel like your brain is

2:43

ping-ponging around like a pinball machine, write

2:45

a list. Make a list that is

2:47

so obnoxious you write brush your teeth,

2:50

make a coffee, eat a

2:52

piece of toast, take your vitamin D

2:54

plus K2, like whatever you got to

2:57

do write it down because

2:59

that is the only way I'm surviving

3:01

and keeping my head above water right

3:03

now is meticulous lift.

3:06

And you know what I always said if I was

3:08

gonna get a tattoo, well I thought about getting my

3:10

dad's tail number from his airplane when he died and

3:12

I told him that in the hospital while he was

3:15

laying there and dying and he goes and I quote

3:17

don't be an asshole. So if I was ever gonna

3:21

get, I always say this, if I was ever gonna get a tattoo there's

3:23

a couple things I'd get. One it was

3:26

my dad's tail number but then I

3:28

realized that with you know that wouldn't look good

3:30

on the wrist. It just you get what I'm

3:32

saying. It just it's not the vibe

3:34

I'm going for. I thought about getting you

3:36

know one of my dead pets, rest in

3:38

peace Delta, my cat who died of a

3:40

hurt murmur. You know this is the first time in

3:42

my adult life I have been without a feline. Yeah

3:45

first time. You know turn in the

3:47

corner of 37 and I am feline

3:49

free and I gotta be honest with you

3:52

little place in my heart is empty. But

3:54

you know what I guess it's

3:56

the dog's time to shine so here

3:58

the fuck we go. I thought about maybe

4:00

getting a dead relative, a

4:02

dead cat, but I do

4:05

think one idea that I have

4:07

said over and over again that is a staple

4:09

in my life is I would get the words,

4:11

write it down. As a comedian,

4:13

I always tell my friends or sitting

4:15

around pitching jokes, write it down, write

4:17

it down. I always write it down. If

4:20

it's in the middle of the night and I'm laying in bed

4:22

and I have an idea, I write it down. Or

4:24

even I make a voice note, write it down. If

4:26

there is one bit of advice that I could give

4:28

to the youth of America, it would be, you

4:31

have an idea, you have a thought, write it

4:33

down. You will forget it. You

4:35

will forget that brilliant idea that you

4:37

have come up with while you are

4:39

passing around a fucking bong with your

4:41

ding dong friends, write

4:44

it down. Record it

4:46

and or write it down. But

4:48

I would like to get a tattoo that says write it down. Maybe

4:50

other than Australia. I can't

4:52

do that. Mom said she would never let

4:54

me get any money. I

4:57

don't know why I think I'm going to get money from

4:59

Rob and we already know that she's been hiding money in

5:01

a credit union that was allegedly

5:03

under my name, but she's

5:05

been spending the funds. Sorry,

5:08

I'm bouncing all over the place today. And

5:10

I even made a list of the things I wanted

5:13

to discuss for today's podcast, but

5:15

I am bouncing around is what happens

5:17

when you have ADHD.

5:20

Anywho, what are we talking

5:22

about? Okay, so I've got a lot on

5:24

the plate. We are moving forward

5:26

through time and space at such

5:28

a rapid pace that I kind

5:30

of can't get my

5:33

bearings. You know, the top of that fucking

5:35

list of things to get done before I

5:37

head out of the country is get my

5:39

Botox redone. It's

5:41

worn off, you know what I mean? In the

5:44

proper amount of timing. But I looked in the

5:46

mirror today and I go, God damn it. I

5:49

am. You know what I mean?

5:51

It is moving. And I'm going to

5:53

tell you this right now. Nothing pisses me off more

5:56

than when you go to lunch with a girlfriend who's

5:58

an all-natural girly and then she says like, I

6:00

just, it's not a big deal. You know what I

6:02

mean? Like I just don't need Botox. And then she

6:04

forces me to sit at

6:06

a, you know, a Panera bread and I

6:08

got to stare at her wrinkly ass forehead.

6:11

Good, I'm so glad you're all natural, but

6:13

don't get on your apple box or your

6:15

soap box, you know,

6:18

or your shop box and

6:20

preach the good word of you only do

6:22

all natural stuff and then make me look

6:24

at that sagging forehead. Okay.

6:30

Just be wrinkly and don't talk about

6:32

it. Thank you. Unbelievable.

6:35

Every woman who's driving

6:37

her white Lexus right now knows

6:39

exactly what I'm talking about. We

6:41

all have that one girlfriend in a group and that's

6:43

great if you want to be all natural, do you, but

6:47

don't sit at a lunch and

6:49

bring it up every time you

6:51

see me that you don't want

6:53

to put botulism in your forehead

6:55

and then make me look at

6:58

your sagging eyebrows. Why?

7:02

I do Botox in the jaw because I

7:04

grind at night because I have a lot

7:07

of things on my plate. And

7:10

then I get up and I can feel my

7:12

molars. Just the top layer

7:14

of my molar is just disintegrating off

7:16

into the wind. And

7:19

so I write it down. But

7:21

yeah, don't make me go to

7:23

lunch with you. It's an expensive French

7:25

spot and we're sharing a

7:27

steak free. And you're like, honestly, I

7:29

know I'm about to turn 40, but I'm doing nothing.

7:33

I'm just gonna try and age gracefully. I

7:35

don't care. We've all talked

7:37

about it in the group text. Get

7:41

some Botox, no, I'm kidding. I'm not pulling anybody into

7:43

Botox. But it's just, we all know that one girl

7:45

who just every time we see her, she's gotta

7:47

bring up the fact that she's done nothing to

7:49

her face. And we're

7:52

all like, my baby's just shocked. You

7:54

know, anyways, I'm being a real

7:56

bitch. Okay, anywho, what's something happy

7:58

to talk about? Something happy

8:00

to talk about. Oh man, we are back

8:02

on the road and let me tell you what I I

8:07

Popped off this year last week.

8:09

I was in Jacksonville, Florida. I

8:11

was in Pensacola

8:14

and If y'all

8:16

Florida didn't do what Florida usually does

8:18

I would have been disappointed I

8:20

mean, I would have also been a little elated

8:24

To not have had to have dealt with the

8:26

regular Florida bullshit But y'all

8:28

always show up in a true Florida fashion So at

8:31

the show in Jacksonville on that Thursday

8:33

night a woman God bless her

8:35

projectile vomited in her row So

8:37

about might say a quarter into my show

8:39

I just see ten people about 30 rows

8:42

back have to get up and go dry

8:44

themselves off So there was that and

8:46

then we get to Pensacola and to the

8:48

left of me so that is my left

8:51

Peripheral eyeline there is a woman

8:54

every single thing I said I could have said

8:57

You know read I could have

8:59

said penis I could have said

9:02

Sports she would repeat the

9:04

word and then yell something back at me

9:07

and I tried to just Ignore

9:09

it as long as I could but

9:11

I wanted to just I just I

9:13

was really getting frustrated But

9:16

I had a great time don't get me wrong

9:18

I had a fantastic time in Florida, but Florida

9:20

crowds always do what Florida does and that's just

9:22

be unhinged I love this little

9:25

thing in Jacksonville that

9:27

it's the county is called Duval

9:30

and so the theater had warned me before I

9:32

went out and I Performed in Jacksonville before

9:34

but is it just so you know if you

9:36

say what's up Jacksonville? They're gonna yell

9:39

do wall and when they say

9:41

it, it sounds like you're getting booed So they're

9:43

like we just want to warn you so I

9:45

go out there I'm like Jacksonville and they're like

9:47

whoa And

9:49

they go on for like a solid 30

9:51

seconds And if you're standing on the

9:53

stage and you weren't prepared for that in vermate with

9:56

that information You would absolutely think I'm getting booed right

9:58

now. I just Took

10:00

a second and I laughed and I was like, I

10:02

got you. Y'all thought I didn't know what y'all were

10:04

doing, but I'm in. And I asked one of the

10:06

audience members, why do y'all do this? And

10:09

this guy just goes, because we're the biggest

10:11

county in America. And I laughed

10:13

so hard to myself. I was like,

10:15

what other fucking city brags about the

10:17

size of their county? Like I'm from

10:20

Atlanta, Georgia. We have a huge city

10:22

and I don't go around going full

10:24

to full and down. I

10:27

mean, it's such a Florida shit

10:30

to just find something fucking random,

10:32

to yell at people, to remind

10:34

us that we're in Florida. This

10:37

guy was like, I know man, but we're

10:39

the biggest county in America. And

10:41

I'm like, and you've got one Chipotle, figure

10:43

it out. Unbelievable.

10:48

So I mean, if I said anything, they were

10:50

just like, do you? And

10:53

it made me laugh so hard. Only

10:55

Florida would just like pound

10:57

their chest and be like, we're the biggest county

11:00

in the world. I'm

11:02

like, city, sure. Who's talking about counties?

11:05

What are we doing at a county level? Relax.

11:08

I'm very into the county pride, but it

11:10

was just, it came out of left field.

11:13

But I hope the woman who I got, you

11:15

know, a little over-served at the show, I hope

11:17

she's doing well. I apologize if you, um, you

11:20

know, got barfed on, but I guess this is

11:22

just what happens. You got to know if you're

11:24

going to any sort of show in Florida, whether

11:26

it's a concert, whether it's

11:28

a comedy show, whether you're

11:30

going to a, you know, a

11:33

Miss America pageant anywhere

11:35

in Florida. Every time I have a

11:37

Florida show there, without a doubt, there's a

11:39

cop who comes up to me after the show and

11:41

he's like, loved the material by the way, we

11:43

had about three women get

11:46

arrested and definitely somebody barfed. So

11:48

I don't know what y'all got to do in the

11:50

state of Florida, but I've said

11:52

this a million times, have a chicken

11:54

quesadilla and slow down on the white wine.

11:58

You got to have a solid base. before

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you crank it up a notch. And

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the jokes are hitting hard so you

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So we're on the road. I'm packing. I'm going to

15:23

Australia. Get your tickets at heatherontour.com. If

15:25

you are living down on down, I'm

15:28

so excited to come down and do

15:30

some shows. I think right now

15:32

I've sold about four tickets. So I don't

15:34

know what else to do. I will

15:37

show you my tits. I'll give you a

15:39

hand job. You know what I mean? I'll

15:41

put a koala on my back and do

15:43

the whole show from a nature reserve. I

15:45

don't know what y'all need from me, but

15:47

I am so freaking excited to come to

15:49

Australia. But I got shadow

15:51

banned. So this week I'm trying to do like,

15:53

you know, I'm promo-ing the tour for Vegas. I'm

15:57

promo-ing the tour for Australia. And I was

15:59

like, what? nobody seeing any of my

16:01

stuff. And then I have to call up

16:03

meta ring, ring, ring. And they're like, somebody

16:05

went through and picked out every photo of

16:07

you in a bathing suit or, you know,

16:09

in a low cut top and flagged it

16:11

for porn. And I know it was a

16:13

person, it wasn't AI. They were able to

16:15

tell me it was a person. And

16:18

you know, it was some woman who got

16:21

pissed because I haven't opened her DMS

16:23

because I've been a little busy and

16:26

we say, I'm going to get this bitch back. I'm

16:29

going to get her back. Porn, porn,

16:31

porn. Like she just went through and clicked on

16:33

everything. So then I had to call meta the

16:35

other day. And I mean, thank God, you know,

16:37

listen to first world problems. Okay. You know

16:40

what I mean? God forbid you don't see

16:42

my fucking ass for maybe 24 hours on

16:44

the internet. God forbid. I'm

16:47

sick of myself too. I get it. But

16:49

I just, you know, you get on these phone calls

16:51

with these apps and they're like, Oh yeah, it was

16:54

a broad in Birmingham. She was

16:56

just calling your ass

16:58

out. And I'm like, y'all got a

17:00

coup. You're damn jet. Of

17:02

course it's a woman from Birmingham reporting

17:05

all my things. I'm sorry, Lindsay. Look,

17:07

I'm looking directly into the camera. I'm

17:09

sorry. I don't have

17:11

as much time as I used to, to

17:13

go through every single direct message. Okay.

17:16

Um, I will do that this weekend. No, I won't

17:18

do that this weekend. Do you want to know what

17:20

my schedule is this weekend? I'm flying

17:23

to LA or rehearsing for the Grammys. Then I got

17:25

to get up. I have another rehearsal for the Grammys

17:27

and I fly to Vegas. I do a show in

17:29

Vegas and the next morning at 7 a.m. I

17:31

am on the 7 a.m. Flight back to LA and

17:33

then I'm in hair and makeup because we're doing the

17:36

Grammys and by doing the Grammys

17:38

having sex with Harry Styles, so he will not

17:40

be there. I don't think I'm going to be

17:42

hosting with E again on the

17:44

red carpet. I am super fricking excited. And

17:46

y'all thank you so much for being so

17:48

kind. And you know, just, just letting you

17:51

know that you enjoyed me for the Emmys.

17:53

So they invited me to come back. And

17:55

man, if you don't think I'm going to try

17:58

and get a whiff of Olivia Rodrigo. I

18:00

am so freaking excited. It's gonna be fun.

18:03

And you know what I'm excited mostly about for

18:05

the Grammys is it's rockstar shit. You know what

18:07

I mean? People might be on a little Xanax.

18:09

Somebody might've taken a little, you

18:11

know, Quaalude with a little

18:13

Sprite. You know, that's what I'm

18:15

excited about. I'm ready to see

18:17

a couple rockstars, couple country music stars,

18:19

some rappers, let their hair down. It's

18:22

a little less buttoned up like the Emmys.

18:24

You know, cause TV stars, you know,

18:26

the network's watching. But honey, the

18:29

record label wants you to do something crazy.

18:31

And I will be in the

18:33

mix. Very excited about that. But

18:35

yeah, so anyways, we got a lot going on, which

18:37

is very exciting. So it was not an opportune time

18:39

to get shadow banned, but shout out to the team

18:41

at Meta, shout out to my girl Emily. They got

18:43

it fixed. But it's wild when

18:46

you can see who's tattletaling on you. And

18:48

if you don't think that I know, and

18:51

I have printed out your profile picture, and

18:53

it's on a nice, it's in a

18:55

nice little home goods frame right

18:58

next to my bed. And in the middle of the night, when

19:01

I get, you know, get a little spark of

19:03

creative joy, I just sit

19:05

up and I look at the photo

19:07

of the woman named Lindsay from Birmingham. And

19:10

I add to my list, I write a funny joke,

19:12

I'm like, great new material. And then

19:14

I write prank fun, call Lindsay later. And

19:17

I add it to the list, write it down. Anyways,

19:19

let your haters be your motivators. And

19:22

that is why we're going back on the road. What

19:25

the fuck am I talking about today? Sorry,

19:27

y'all. My mind is going a million miles

19:29

an hour. I know that when I leave

19:31

here, I have to go get something notarized. Can I just

19:33

tell you, can I tell you that is

19:35

probably the hardest part about being an adult is finding

19:38

someone to notarize your shit.

19:41

If there's any notaries out there, could you

19:43

be a little more accessible? And I'm not

19:45

asking you to do anything illegal, but

19:48

my God, these people who own the

19:50

fucking stamp, the embossed stamp have a

19:52

little too much power and they're on

19:54

vacation too many days of the year.

19:58

When you're an adult, if I could go back like

20:00

talk to college classes, I would tell them

20:02

like, you know, learn about finances, you

20:04

know, the youth is wasted on the young, yada,

20:06

yada, yada. But I would also say, figure

20:09

out who is the closest person in

20:12

your town that has an

20:14

embossed raised stamp that can notarize your shit

20:16

because when you become an adult, the amount

20:18

of shit that you will need to get

20:20

notarized is alarming, trying

20:23

to get this insurance stuff wrapped up and

20:25

you gotta, I gotta drive to the club.

20:27

I gotta drive here. I gotta drive to

20:29

this bank. Oh, that notary, like I went

20:31

to the bank today and they're like the

20:33

notary is in Key West. I'm like, she's

20:35

been in Key West since November. Either y'all

20:37

gotta hire a new bitch or she's gotta

20:39

start doing this virtually. Like can

20:41

anybody else just take this thick stamp

20:44

and just stamp my shit so I

20:46

can wire some money to a, to

20:48

an insurance company? That's

20:51

probably when I really need the insurance,

20:54

gonna deny the claim. Cause

20:56

that's the, that's the tailspin I'm

20:58

in today. I mean,

21:00

these win and it's usually a gal and I'm

21:02

not hating on my sisters, but I am a

21:05

little charged up since I definitely know a

21:07

woman tried to shadow ban me on

21:09

the Instagrams, but when I tell you

21:11

that these notary

21:13

bitches are on

21:15

vacation too often and they

21:19

will hold it over your head. If

21:21

you know that there's like a lady in your neighborhood

21:23

who's a notary. And then like when you find out

21:25

who is a notary, you're like, you definitely should not

21:27

be in charge of ever signing a legal document.

21:30

It's always the drunkest woman in your neighborhood. And

21:32

you know it. You know exactly

21:34

what I'm talking about. The drunkest

21:36

person in your neighborhood as like the Bunko

21:38

group is always a notary. And

21:41

if you don't know what a notary, why you need

21:43

something notarized, it's basically like a third

21:45

party who looks over a document

21:47

and signs it and stamps it

21:49

to say like, hey, I was

21:51

present. I was a

21:54

third party to oversee this very important

21:56

document. Okay. It's just an extra set

21:58

of eyes. But if you

22:00

know, and there's always a woman at

22:03

the Bunko group, right? Or at

22:05

the Bridge Club or whatever, and she's really fucked

22:07

up. And she's always causing

22:09

a scene. She's always about to get

22:11

divorced. And after she's

22:13

had about seven espresso martinis, she

22:16

will lean over to you and drunkly be like, it

22:18

just saying, you know, I feel like we're vibing. If

22:21

you ever need me to stamp anything for you, I'm

22:23

a notary. I'm a

22:25

notary. And then when you call

22:27

her, she's on a fucking pontoon

22:29

houseboat in the middle of a

22:31

lake somewhere in Canada. And you're

22:33

like, Hey, Julie, what good are you to

22:35

me at this point? You

22:37

dumped all of your family drama on me.

22:40

I spent three hours on a Tuesday night.

22:42

I don't even know how to play Bunko,

22:44

trying to figure out how you were going to

22:47

divorce your husband. I

22:49

even helped you find an attorney. Now

22:51

you're back with him on a houseboat

22:53

and I can't get my insurance stamped.

22:57

Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me. These

23:00

notary women will literally, they always have like a

23:02

Vera Bradley bag and they're just waving that stamp

23:04

in the air, letting you

23:06

know I can, I can stamp your

23:09

legal documents, but I'm not

23:11

going to be back for six months. I'm in

23:13

Key West. And you're like, God

23:15

damn it, Julie. Fuck. Oh.

23:19

So anyways, that's what I'm doing today.

23:21

That's it. That's what being an adult is about.

23:24

Being an adult is about always trying to get

23:26

your hormones to a perfect level because you're either

23:28

not getting your period or you're getting your period

23:31

too much. It's about

23:33

getting legal documents signed and

23:36

then, I don't know, trying to figure out what's wrong with

23:38

your car. Those are the top three things you do doing

23:40

as an adult. And

23:43

then realizing once you're 36 that you should have

23:45

signed up for some sort of insurance program when

23:47

you were 21. Nobody told

23:49

you when you were 21 because

23:51

you had 14 frickin' silver

23:53

dollars in your bank account. That was it.

23:57

Regardless, you didn't have the money. sign

24:00

up for the things that you needed at the time that you

24:02

should have gotten it. So now

24:04

I'm begging insurance companies to put

24:06

me on the roster. Speaking

24:09

of insurance though, let's talk

24:11

about the insurance of love. I got

24:13

to see my dear friends, Elizabeth and

24:15

Taylor Wilkinson get married this weekend.

24:17

And if you remember, I think it was about

24:19

two years ago, I had my

24:21

friend Elizabeth Howard on the podcast. She was one

24:23

of my sorority sisters. And we just kiki'd about

24:26

what it was like to date. And

24:28

if her future

24:30

sister-in-law wasn't listening to

24:33

the podcast, got in touch

24:35

with Elizabeth and said, I think my brother Taylor would be

24:37

perfect for you. And

24:39

we just celebrated their wedding this past weekend

24:41

in Oxford, Mississippi. My old alma mater, hottie

24:43

toddy gosh almighty, who the hell are we?

24:46

Shout out to the Ole Miss Rebs, my

24:49

team. We had the most ridiculous

24:51

time back in Oxford and

24:54

the wedding was so fun. It was

24:56

so great because we had all of

24:58

Taylor's family who's from the mountains. You

25:00

know, I mean, he is a

25:02

Bozeman Montana kind of zaddy. So

25:04

we had all these like hot mountain guys

25:07

hanging out with those country girls. And

25:09

it was a fricking blast. And we went back, shout

25:11

out to the library sports bar. You know, I'm always

25:13

showing them love, but we went back to library

25:15

sports bar and it was, it was like the

25:17

perfect amount of people on a Thursday night. I

25:20

was out on the patio. DJ Mario

25:22

was playing on

25:25

the ones and twos and he played, he

25:27

did a remix. Okay. He

25:29

did a remix from the

25:31

windows to the walls. One of the

25:33

most iconic songs you want to hear on the

25:36

patio. Then he mixed it into,

25:39

cause I get my drugs from Amsterdam.

25:41

If you don't know that song, that

25:43

is my jam right now. So

25:45

I heard two of my favorite songs in

25:48

the, in a matter of a 10 second

25:50

mashup. And I was chugging

25:52

down. Dickey Lissotas I was on

25:54

a quarter of a gummy and

25:57

I was cruising and

25:59

we. so much fun. And

26:02

one of the the groomsmen from Montana looked

26:04

at me he's like is this place heaven

26:07

or what? And I was like it is!

26:09

And it was

26:11

just so fun. We were feeling nostalgic being back

26:13

at Ole Miss. We were having a

26:15

great time celebrating our friends. But I gotta

26:17

tell you something and I know I'm seeing I'm probably

26:20

a little extra cunty and catty today

26:22

okay because I'm fired up. I'm a

26:24

little zesty because Lindsey from Birmingham

26:26

was trying to take me down on the

26:29

interwebs. But I

26:31

know that when I was in college I wear very

26:33

specific uniform okay. I would always wear

26:35

a frat daddy t-shirt so

26:37

it was like a sigma new date

26:40

party t-shirt and like a men's

26:42

3XL over a pair of Nike

26:44

running shorts. I never ran. I

26:46

didn't even walk briskly to class

26:49

okay. I literally was dropped off

26:51

from my dorm maybe

26:53

30 yards up a hill to

26:56

my classes in the theater department. Alright if you

26:58

don't think I had a sorority sister who was

27:01

doing touch and goes for me then you didn't

27:03

know what kind of sisterhood I had. But

27:06

my uniform was always Nike shorts

27:08

that I never exercised in and

27:10

a literally a garbage

27:12

bag of a date party, sigma

27:15

new, sigma kai, Kappa Sig,

27:17

whatever fraternity shirt okay. Whoever

27:19

I was giving a handjob to that particular

27:21

week gave me a frat tee and that

27:24

was the uniform and then we would wear you

27:26

know yeah I mean we didn't really rock the

27:29

Nikes then like we did. We had some sort

27:31

of sneaker like new balances were hot then they've

27:33

now made a comeback and that was

27:35

your uniform and then when you went out to

27:37

the bars you always wore any of my millennial

27:39

girlies we always wore was like hey girl what

27:41

are you wearing I'm gonna wear probably

27:43

like skinny jeans and then a going out top

27:46

and then some sort of like Steve Madden mule

27:48

that's just that was a uniform that's what we

27:50

did. So I gotta be

27:52

honest with you I was a

27:54

little shocked at the

27:57

uniform of the Ole Miss classes I

27:59

don't know 2023.

28:02

Every single girl there is knocked down drop dead

28:04

gorgeous. I'm talking about, I'm going to say it,

28:06

we have the prettiest girls in the SEC

28:09

period, period. Okay.

28:11

Any pervert who wants to fight with me

28:14

and all the girls were wearing

28:16

kind of baggy straight leg jeans

28:19

and some sort of crop top. When

28:21

I say though, it is wild to be standing in

28:23

a bar and I was in like a black leather

28:25

dress and like, you know, an oversized

28:28

denim jacket with a bit dazzled fringe

28:30

on it for the wedding. And

28:32

I'm looking at all these girls and it

28:34

was just a sea of acid wash, kind

28:36

of light wash, straight denim. They all had

28:38

on the Nike Air Force Ones white. You

28:40

couldn't have a two-tone Nike. Okay. And what's

28:42

in my closet right now? All two-tone Nike.

28:44

So I might as well put a gun

28:46

in my mouth. They had all

28:48

of the same, it was just like the same

28:50

level eye line of asses with these baggy jeans

28:53

and these crop tops. Now they all have the

28:55

bodies for crop tops. You know what I mean?

28:57

Good for them. But here I was and I

28:59

looked at one of my girlfriends and I said,

29:01

I've never seen so many women with

29:03

banging bodies in these hideous baggy jeans.

29:05

Now I get it. It's fashion. Okay.

29:07

Your girls, the fashion needs to more

29:09

of a max and needs to some

29:11

days. But it was like I really

29:13

said out loud after I took my

29:15

fourth walk me down

29:17

shot. And if you don't want to walk me down

29:19

shot, it's Google it. Okay. You clearly didn't go to

29:21

college in the 2000s. And

29:23

I just said, youth is wasted on the young.

29:25

And I went up to a young girl and

29:27

I was hammered. And I was like, you have,

29:30

I know you got a tight ass. And I was

29:32

like, why are we wasting it on these dumpy ass

29:34

jeans? And she was like, girl, I don't know. It's

29:36

just, it's a vibe. And also

29:38

I was so upset because if

29:41

I wore a sneaker, if I

29:43

wore a sensible, comfortable

29:45

shoe to a bar in college,

29:47

they would not have let me

29:49

in. Okay. Even if

29:51

I showed up with a hundred, a

29:53

hundred dollars of Chris cash to tip

29:56

the bouncer, he would have said no

29:58

sneakers allowed. That was not. an

30:00

option. So I'm coming from a place

30:02

of just being you know an elder

30:05

millennial. I'm coming from a place of

30:07

jealousy, of bitterness, but also like we

30:09

wore the tightest shit to the club.

30:12

If you don't think my body was

30:14

being sucked into a size

30:16

12 BB

30:19

Bay Bay bandage dress that did

30:21

not fit, then

30:24

you then you didn't know me. Okay.

30:27

My favorite thing was just you always knew

30:29

the uniform was a pair of jeans and

30:31

a going out top. All these girls wear

30:33

the exact same thing. It's a baggy dumpy

30:36

ass jean and a crop top from Sheen

30:38

and a white Air Force one. But I

30:40

kind of like my husband was even looking around and

30:42

I was like, babe, what is this? He's like, it's

30:44

like a little army that I've never

30:47

seen less individuality. And I know that that's the

30:49

look right now. So I'm not and I'm not

30:51

shitting on the girls that don't miss. But

30:53

girls, the jeans are it's giving

30:56

you dump butt. It

30:58

is it's not given. I

31:00

mean, I guess y'all don't fucking care. Y'all have

31:02

abs. I didn't have abs. If you were a

31:05

crop top, if you were anything that showed

31:07

your midriff to a college party, they would

31:09

literally throw stones at you in the street

31:11

and be like, she's a hall. Now I

31:13

always were a halter top and I was

31:15

one sneeze from just letting the titty loose.

31:17

I mean, I've told you this before. One

31:19

of my sorority sisters found me at a huddle house

31:21

with my tit and a hash and a grit and

31:24

a tit and a hot grit. But I

31:28

was dying. I was talking to one of the

31:30

younger delpigamas and she was like, I know this girl

31:32

looked at me and said, I know I hate these jeans

31:34

too, but like that's what we're wearing. And I was

31:36

like, uh-uh. I was like, break

31:38

out of the mold. Go get a boot cut.

31:42

Just so many hot girls and these shitty jeans and

31:44

I couldn't figure it out. And

31:47

then one girl heard me asking another girl and got

31:49

kind of annoyed and I was like, girl, no, hey,

31:51

no shade, but you guys are hot. And she's like,

31:53

thank you. I was like, put on a heel for

31:55

God's sake, put on a heel. We didn't

31:57

get to just roam around the streets and the

31:59

bars. our sneakers. Do you

32:02

know how much I would have loved to have had a supportive

32:04

tennis shoe to just get fucked

32:06

up in? No! I probably

32:08

sprained my ankle 43 times my freshman

32:11

year. It's like a rite of passage.

32:13

If you didn't end up in urgent care from

32:16

a fat ankle, you know

32:18

after walking out of a dirty bar

32:20

on cobblestone streets in a college town,

32:22

you weren't living. I'm

32:25

adding a new thing to my writer backstage

32:28

at my shows. Okay? You know what

32:30

I mean? Your girl likes to

32:32

have a hard seltzer but your girl likes a good

32:34

hard seltzer. That's why I already called

32:36

the agents said get a pack of truly

32:38

on ice before I got to do any

32:40

more shows in Florida. Listen, truly

32:43

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32:45

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32:47

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32:49

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32:51

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32:54

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32:56

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32:58

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33:00

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33:02

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33:05

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33:07

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33:09

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33:11

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33:13

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33:16

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33:37

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34:00

Jeff and I are doing this year is

34:02

to keep an eye on the frivolous stuff

34:04

that we're spending money on. Okay, have you

34:06

ever looked at your subscriptions on your phone

34:08

and your television, through your email and

34:10

you've looked at what you're actually paying for

34:12

that you no longer use and it's insane when you

34:15

start to add it up. You're like, I spent $700 on what

34:17

last year and I

34:19

haven't even opened the app? Well, this is why I love Rocket

34:21

Money. Honestly, if you really sit down

34:23

and have an honest conversation with yourself about the subscriptions

34:25

you're paying for, you'll just be sick to your

34:27

stomach. Listen, I never asked myself this question before.

34:30

I started using Rocket Money. But now that

34:32

I'm using it, it is shocking. I use

34:34

Rocket Money to help me find out what

34:36

subscriptions I'm actually spending money on. It was

34:38

eye opening and I had them canceled the

34:40

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34:54

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35:28

We did wear these tops that were very flattering

35:30

back in the day. It was brand was called

35:32

Tea Bags. I don't know if Tea Bags is

35:35

still around and I know this is a very niche

35:37

conversation, but we used to wear these tops

35:39

called Tea Bags and they were the most

35:41

flattering top. If you'd put on 73 pounds

35:43

from drinking in college, it didn't matter

35:46

because it was a V-neck and

35:48

it was kind of slutty, right? So you could

35:50

wear a push-up bra, really show off the girls

35:52

and then it kind of cinched right underneath the

35:54

boobs and then was flowy. So

35:56

it was really flattering. If you don't think

35:58

I lived in a tea bag top. Because I

36:00

put on 47 and a half pounds in

36:02

the first two months of college. Like,

36:05

you know what I mean? I got to Mississippi

36:07

and the salt just stuck. I

36:10

couldn't get any of my jewelry off. You

36:12

know, I had bangle bracelets that they had to

36:15

physically, medically remove at

36:17

a fire station because

36:19

that's how swollen my arms were. And I got

36:22

tiny wrists for a thick bitch. I got tiny

36:24

wrists and tiny ankles. But

36:26

I came home at Thanksgiving and my mom

36:28

was like, your arms are purple. You're

36:31

not going to make it. We got to drive

36:33

you to the fire station immediately. But,

36:36

uh, yeah, we wore teabag tops. We

36:39

wore gaucho pants. Now I never actually wore

36:41

the gaucho pants because I had thicker thighs and

36:43

it just didn't look good on me. This

36:46

is what I'm saying. If I could give these

36:48

girls just a touch of wisdom, it

36:50

would be like, you don't have to wear

36:52

exactly what everyone's wearing. If

36:54

you need to wear a more fitted boot

36:56

cut gene or more fitted straight leg gene

36:58

that just tucks the ass a little bit

37:00

more, do it. Cause

37:03

y'all are basically wearing jinkos. And if y'all don't know

37:05

what a jinko is, you need to Google it. Actually,

37:07

I'm going to Emily put a, put

37:09

a photo of a jinko right here.

37:12

If you don't know what a jinko is, this is a

37:14

jinko gene. And this is what the

37:17

girls are wearing in college. We're

37:19

a quarter of the way there. And

37:22

these girls are so drop dead gorgeous. And

37:25

I was very upset. Honestly, I

37:27

was just jealous at how comfortable y'all are. You

37:30

got a loose gene. You got a nice sneaker. You

37:32

know, you're showing off your ripped abs. I didn't

37:34

have ripped abs in college. Oh, also the glow

37:37

ups, the face beats on these girls. I've never

37:39

seen such great makeup in my life. And I

37:41

was in charge of doing everyone's makeup in the

37:43

sorority house before we left. Cause I loved it.

37:45

I mean, it was basically running a mini Mac

37:48

counter out of the Delta gamma house because we

37:50

didn't have a Mac in Oxford,

37:52

Mississippi. And I would do a

37:54

smoky eye. Wouldn't blend that shit. He

37:57

was like Kat Von D from the

37:59

eyebrows. to basically the top of

38:01

the nose. Oh,

38:04

oh yeah. We didn't

38:06

also own lip liner. Like we had

38:08

a hot red lip with a smoky

38:10

eye and a neutral

38:12

blush, but we did not line the

38:14

lips. You

38:16

know what I mean? So everybody, you'd have a

38:18

hot red lip on and then

38:20

when you'd smile, your upper lip would just get

38:22

stuck on your gum because we

38:25

were using a Maybelline All Wear

38:28

hot red lip and that shit was so

38:30

drying. So you would be out at the

38:32

club and your little BB dress

38:34

and your lip would just be stuck to

38:36

the top of your gum. So

38:38

all you young girls have got, you know, you're overdrawing the lips,

38:40

which is what we all do now, it looks great. No,

38:43

no, no, I want you to imagine, little

38:45

baby Heather, 22 years old, put

38:48

on 47 pounds in a tight BB

38:50

dress, showing off that apple body in

38:53

a heel that is literally going to

38:55

make me get curb stomped later and

38:57

my lip is stuck and I'm

38:59

just like, front of windows, to the

39:01

wall, to the wall, to the sweat

39:04

drop down my balls, like that was

39:07

me thriving. Oh

39:11

God, I'm sorry, I'm being very nostalgic right now. I know, I'm

39:13

sure we've heard this a million times, but

39:16

then I saw these comfortable young girls,

39:19

full glam beat, full

39:21

crop top, jinko jean,

39:24

and a puffy sneaker and I

39:26

said enough. They're

39:29

all so hot though. I mean, these girls can wear

39:31

garbage bags, they are so hot. And

39:34

I look back and like, we were all cute, but

39:36

we weren't hot. These girls

39:38

nowadays, stunning, drop dead

39:41

gorgeous. I'm gonna go to the Delta

39:43

game house and just get a makeover. But I'm

39:45

gonna tell you this right now, I know that

39:47

I can't always wear the trends, so don't put me in

39:49

the loose jean, it ain't my look, boo boo.

39:52

The slimmest part of my body is those

39:54

legs, I'm wearing something tight. I'll

39:57

wear a legging and a crop top and just go

39:59

out athleisure. comfy. But

40:01

we were having a great time and DJ

40:03

Mario, he's still alive. He's alive and well. I

40:05

don't know if he's well, but he's alive. He

40:07

is alive. He was sitting up in his booth

40:10

and he was doing the mixes and it was

40:12

just so much fucking fun. We had a great

40:14

time. You know, the wedding was

40:16

beautiful. I love that to be a

40:19

part of it. It was just great. We had all of our

40:21

friends and it, you know,

40:23

I just feel very blessed. I came back. My,

40:25

my friendship cup was full and

40:27

I just loved everybody that I get to giggle

40:29

with because there's nothing better than being hung over

40:31

and giggling with your friends over

40:33

a bacon, egg and cheese on a very, very

40:37

highly caloric kind of dry

40:39

biscuit. There, there's nothing better.

40:42

And being so hung over, you're like, it's,

40:45

does anybody else have this? When I'm hung over,

40:47

I crave sushi. I think it's because my salt

40:49

levels are low. I don't know why

40:51

I'll wake up and I'm just like, I need a California

40:53

roll, which doesn't make sense. But

40:56

we went and got some sushi. Then we

40:58

got ice cream. You know, that's where I'm

41:00

at. And my hangover journey in my late

41:02

thirties, I gotta have a plethora of things

41:04

to munch on. I can't just like wake

41:06

up, have a breakfast biscuit, and then like

41:08

keep drinking. No, no, no, no, no,

41:10

no. I'm going to need 75 different meal

41:13

options that day to continue just to, to

41:16

cycle through all the poison in

41:18

my body. Yeah, but we had a good

41:20

time. You know, we had a great time. They let

41:22

us back in the bar the next night at the

41:24

library. It was a torrential downpour. We were all squished

41:26

on the patio. We could have gone into the boom,

41:28

boom room, but we didn't, you know,

41:30

my girl Connie got on that mechanical bull

41:33

and wrote it like a, like just a

41:35

young buck. We could have

41:37

gone in the, in the boom, boom room. We could have gone

41:39

back to the sports bar that was covered, but no, we wanted

41:41

to be out on that patio and the

41:43

rain was falling down. Let the rain fall down. Let

41:46

it wash away. You know what I mean?

41:48

That it was a Hillary Duff moment and

41:50

we had a fucking blast. It was a really good time anyways. All

41:52

right, we're going to get to the voicemails. I

41:54

know I'm just kind of rambling about random nostalgic shit.

41:57

As always, you can call into the hotline, 800-213-8100. 7

42:01

5 0 3 before we get into that though remember

42:04

I am going to be in Las Vegas this Saturday

42:06

night playing the encore again at the

42:08

win so if you didn't catch me last time

42:10

please come see me at the encore

42:12

theater in Las Vegas it's gonna be a crazy

42:14

12 hours in Vegas we're

42:16

gonna do it right and then I'm gonna be

42:19

on the Grammys on Sunday night this coming up

42:21

Sunday night which can be very fun so

42:23

we're doing a lot and then Monday I

42:25

leave for New Zealand so here we go

42:28

doing the fucking mess all

42:30

right let's get into the voicemails as always 800-213-7503 hey

42:36

Heather this is Lindsay from Las Vegas

42:38

I cannot wait to see you next

42:40

weekend and giggle bringing my husband who

42:43

is the reason why I'm calling he

42:45

is my absolutely not but also kind

42:47

of an absolutely yes but anyway

42:50

my absolutely not for him is

42:52

when we go to a restaurant and

42:54

maybe I had a restaurant where

42:56

a salad comes with

42:59

the dinner the waiter

43:01

or waitress will say to him what kind of

43:03

salad dressing would you like sir and he

43:06

will reply with none yeah that's

43:09

right you heard it right my husband

43:11

raw dogs his salad disgusting

43:14

so gross he sits there

43:16

like a little take a little now like

43:19

a little wrap or something just

43:21

nibbling on this salad

43:24

with no salad dressing so

43:27

gross but also kind of an absolute yes

43:29

because it does make me giggle when the

43:31

waiter or waitress will look back at me

43:33

and be like is this real and I

43:36

just I you know what you can

43:38

bring me his salad dressing that would

43:40

be fine because I'm a you know

43:43

a dipsy gal I like to dip

43:45

and you know drizzle on a little

43:47

bit of everything but yeah so that's

43:50

my absolutely not love and light tiramisu

43:52

can't wait to see you I'm

43:55

so glad you called in I mean this is this we

43:58

got to take this to divorce court okay Okay,

44:00

first and foremost, everybody knows if you're married, you kind

44:02

of have these things like when you go out to

44:04

a restaurant, you know, you let somebody take charge. It's

44:06

just the ebb and flow of a relationship. But

44:09

you guys should also know that if you're going

44:11

to raw dog a salad, you said it perfectly.

44:13

You should just say, your spouse would just

44:16

say, you know what, let me have the

44:18

sesame dressing on the side. And

44:20

then that allows you to just

44:22

double down on your dressing without feeling

44:25

guilty about it. So

44:27

you know that server went back to the hutch and

44:29

was putting in that order and was like, this

44:31

motherfucker is about to raw dog this lettuce. No,

44:34

they've already placed a judgment on your

44:36

table. That's bringing bad energy to your

44:38

restaurant experience. I mean, I

44:40

know I'm sure a bunch of people who are listening or

44:42

a bunch of freaks who like to raw dog salad, but

44:44

that's insane. I mean, the whole point of

44:46

having a salad is for the dressing. And

44:49

I get it. If you're not into the white

44:51

creamy stuff, relax, pump the brakes, quit screaming at me.

44:54

If you've never had a vinaigrette that's just set your tits

44:56

on fire, a good balsamic

44:58

vinaigrette will make the hair on the

45:00

back of your neck stand up. It's

45:03

got that just that tang that you

45:05

know, that bite on the back of the teeth. And

45:08

your little uvula, your vulva,

45:10

uvula, your uvula. Yeah, your

45:12

uvula is that dingle dong on the back of your throat. And

45:14

when it hits, you're like, you know what I

45:16

mean? A poppy seed dressing, dude, a

45:19

poppy seed dressing is just the perfect amount

45:21

of like a little bit of sweet. And

45:24

then you get an extra punch of sweet at the

45:26

end. Oh my God, like a poppy seed dressing on

45:29

some sort of fruits out, right? Like you got like

45:31

strawberries over spinach with a

45:33

little blue cheese and then

45:35

a little crisp honey, honey, crisp

45:38

apple diced up real thin with the

45:40

poppy seed dressing. And then after lunch,

45:42

he gets walking around getting a little

45:44

poppy seeds out. There's nothing better. That's

45:47

why you get the salad. I mean, what are we

45:49

doing? Raw dog and lettuce. I

45:52

don't know if you should stick with this man. I mean,

45:54

I would love to, I'm going to definitely bring this up

45:57

at my show in Vegas this weekend. Hope

45:59

you guys are sitting front and. center. You

46:01

know, just just be on mind your P's and

46:03

Q's beyond beyond the ready because

46:06

I will absolutely want to discuss this further at

46:08

the show. That's insane and your husband

46:10

should know better. He should never look at a server and

46:12

go I want to raw dog it. He should say I'd

46:14

like the dressing on the side. You know

46:17

and and be queued up to whatever dressing is that

46:19

you are getting on your salad. If you're getting a

46:22

Caesar I'd like a Caesar on the side right? You

46:24

know right kind of look at you. That's

46:26

insane. That is absolutely insane. I don't know if

46:29

you can say Mary did this man. That's

46:32

what's the point? You're

46:35

telling me you're gonna get a wedge and

46:38

just palm the blue cheese and the

46:40

bacon crumbles? Absolutely not. The

46:42

whole point of the wedge is for the blue cheese

46:44

dressing or the ranch. God

46:47

and this is an election year. What

46:49

are we gonna do? People who

46:51

don't put dressing on their salads are gonna be

46:54

at the polls. I

46:59

just need a second. I need a second to wrap my head around

47:01

this. I'm not okay. I'm

47:04

not okay. This

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now back to the

50:06

podcast Heather

50:09

this is angela calling from

50:12

florence. Italy one of your favorite places.

50:14

Yes. I live here. Yes. I studied

50:16

abroad here Uh grew

50:18

up in boulder colorado go bust now

50:21

i've called italy home since 2015

50:24

so almost 10 years And

50:26

a few gray hairs. I will admit. I just

50:28

wanted to say absolutely not

50:31

to the flock Of

50:33

sorority girls that are pouring into florence

50:35

right now for their spring semester now

50:38

you and I both studied here We know

50:40

how it is great place It's

50:43

become like another beast studying abroad

50:46

in florence. I mean these kids

50:48

like They are just

50:50

gallivanting around town in

50:52

their platform uggs and Puddies

50:55

and looking like bags of garbage to

50:57

be quite honest It's like having some

50:59

respect, you know, maybe let's learn a

51:01

few words in italian Let's

51:03

branch out instead of just getting a bagel

51:06

at melaleoka, which is this amazing? You

51:08

know american australian style bakery that's

51:10

right on the arno Let's

51:13

live little tivita a little bit. Am I

51:15

right? Yes, that's my shout out. Love

51:17

you lots Love you,

51:20

honey. Okay. This is a perfect voicemail Okay,

51:23

gals. I already yelled at you

51:25

about the loose Jeans, you

51:27

cannot show up to florence italy

51:29

and be rocking the hoodies and

51:32

the platform uggs Absolutely

51:34

not when I studied abroad. Okay,

51:36

this is more advice

51:39

From your world traveled aunt heather you got to go

51:41

to that zara. You got to go to an h&m

51:44

I don't care if it you just take 50 all right. You're just

51:47

spend 50 on drinks At

51:50

club b-bow. All right, you got to take 50

51:53

And you better come out of there looking

51:56

like an italian girl the highlight

51:58

of my summer was Going

52:00

to a foreign country Changing

52:02

who I was basically being in

52:04

cosplay the entire time and then

52:07

showing back up to America Back

52:09

at Ole Miss that fall semester being like

52:12

wow. Wow you guys are not well

52:14

traveled. I see I don't know why I had a

52:16

German accent. There was nothing

52:19

better You have a

52:21

chance for the first time in your life to

52:23

branch out of tried out to be somebody different

52:26

And do not walk around Florence,

52:28

Italy looking like you're in Athens,

52:31

Georgia, don't do it. Do

52:34

not do it. Oh my god There

52:36

was nothing more exciting than you would go to like

52:38

the leather market and you get like a crossbody leather

52:40

bag You know I mean you get the red crossbody

52:42

leather bag and you're like I'm so European I've

52:45

got a crossbody leather bag when at

52:47

Ole Miss the only bag I carried was

52:49

my Marc Jacobs leather bag But

52:51

when I was in Italy, I was like no, this is Italian

52:53

Yeah, there's not a name brand on it because it's Italian. You

52:55

know what I mean? It's like if you go to Paris What

52:57

do you do when you're setting abroad you dress

53:00

like a French girl? You only wear a light red lipstick

53:02

minimal makeup and you get a trench coat and

53:04

wear nothing else underneath it You got

53:06

a nightclub girls. Come on I

53:09

know tik-tok is influencing but you gotta get listen

53:11

if you want to be having sex with hot

53:13

Italian men You got to tone down the American

53:15

just a little bit and I'm not saying don't

53:17

be who you are Don't

53:19

rep Chi Omega But drop

53:22

the uggs drop the platform uggs

53:24

unbelievable Can't be wearing an

53:26

oversized hoodie. Do you know that if you're in

53:28

Italy, they don't wear gym clothes to the gym.

53:30

They wear regular clothes To

53:33

the gym change, you know wear their uggs

53:35

or whatever the fuck y'all are working out in I don't know

53:37

how also I don't know how the fuck you're working out in

53:39

an egg a Platform

53:41

egg. First of all your feet are

53:43

just on fire while you're trying to

53:45

do Roman deadlifts. I Mean

53:48

that just sounds asinine Then

53:50

you change out of your sweaty workout clothes and then you

53:52

put on something chic you got to wear for such a

53:55

To walk home through this cobblestone streets of Florence,

53:58

Italy. Oh my god I'm

54:00

glad we're talking about it. And

54:02

I know my younger girls who listen to this

54:05

podcast are gonna tell me, wow, she's

54:07

really just being an old fart. I'm not being an old

54:09

fart. Do you wanna know why I'm really upset about all

54:11

this? I'm just gonna say it. I'm

54:13

upset about a lot of things. But the reason

54:15

I'm upset is because when I was back in

54:17

Ole Miss this weekend, the amount

54:19

of young girls that came up to me

54:22

to take photos with me, to say they

54:24

were excited to see me, that were Delta

54:26

Gamma sisters, that were any sort of,

54:29

the amount of young girls that came up to me and

54:31

said, hey girl, can

54:33

I get a photo with you? My mom's

54:35

a huge fan. Oh

54:39

my God. My

54:42

mom. My mom's a huge

54:44

fan. And I looked at the

54:46

first girl who said it, and I said, how old are you? And she said 23.

54:49

And when I tell you I wanted

54:53

to throw up right in that moment, everybody

54:56

said it. And I would say,

54:58

do you know who I am? And like, yes. Oh my

55:01

God, of course. But my mom has been to like 80

55:03

years shows. My mom is a huge fan. That's when things

55:05

turned this weekend. And I felt

55:07

old. And I just realized,

55:10

wow, I'm in my mid 30s.

55:14

We're now closer to late. I'm in my mid

55:16

to late 30s. And I

55:18

could be some of these girls' moms. I mean, I would have

55:21

had to have had you in high school. But regardless, I hurt.

55:24

And a shout out to the moms. I love all

55:26

the moms. Thank God. I love the moms. And

55:28

I love the younger girls. With the amount of

55:30

girls that said, I have to get a photo with you

55:32

because my mom loves you, crushed me.

55:35

Crushed me. You know,

55:37

hurt people hurt people. And that's why I'm on

55:39

a tear today. I'm so hurt.

55:42

And I'm not saying that I'm trying to cater

55:45

to a younger audience. But in

55:47

order to have longevity in my career. Hurt

55:52

people hurt people. Well, y'all hurt me. When

55:55

y'all came up with your perfect faces

55:57

of makeup. And you all

55:59

see. smelled like sold de Janeiro. You know

56:03

what I mean? And you said, can I get a

56:05

photo with you? Not because I'm a fan because my

56:07

mom's a fan. And

56:10

that hurt me. You

56:12

know, I was trying to just vibe

56:15

in the college bars and feel

56:17

cute. I

56:19

will say every single guy who came up to me though

56:21

and got a photo with me because their girlfriends were fans.

56:25

I did. I said, I'll show

56:27

you my old tits in the bathroom if

56:29

you want. They're like, no, I'm good. Please

56:32

don't do that. And I was like, all

56:34

right, fine. I gave up an extra

56:36

offering. I wasn't just like, oh, you're going

56:38

to get a pic. I was like, you

56:40

want to come see my boobs in the bathroom? And Jeff was like,

56:42

quit. Heather, none of these

56:44

guys want to see it. And I was like, all right, you're right. And

56:47

I was like, do you have a light for my cigarette? And they're

56:49

like, nay, I just got a vape. How do you

56:51

light a cigarette? And I was like, no, I

56:54

mean, it was. That's why I'm hurt. Hurt people hurt people.

56:56

And that's why that's where I'm coming from. I need y'all to

56:58

know. I need y'all to

57:01

know. And it shouldn't matter. But

57:03

it just kept happening. And Jeff looked at

57:05

me and he was like, babe, you've never

57:07

had people like, sure, young teenage girls like,

57:09

my mom's a fan. Great. But it was

57:12

like juniors in college that kept saying, I've

57:14

got to get a photo with you because

57:16

my mom's a fan. And

57:19

I know all the moms who are listening right now who

57:21

are driving around, probably just went

57:24

to the mall to get a little, you know,

57:26

Valentine's Day gift for their daughter that's

57:28

sitting at the KD house

57:31

at the university of Tennessee right now. And

57:34

they drove to the mall. They went into Bloomingdale's,

57:36

you know, that's apparently still alive

57:39

and well. And they drove to Bloomingdale's and they're

57:41

like, do you have, do

57:43

you have a platform platform?

57:46

Uggs in a size five and

57:48

a half. And the lady at

57:50

Bloomingdale's like, who the fuck has a five

57:52

and a half shoe? And she's

57:54

like, my petite, adorable daughter

57:56

who's sitting at the KD house right now in

57:58

a pair of jinko jeans. I

58:01

know that that's a conversation and I

58:03

know that that mom is listening to this podcast

58:05

right now driving Staring at that that

58:07

Bloomingdale's bag in the corner of her eye just going

58:09

these are the fucking ugliest shoes I've ever seen in

58:11

my life And my daughter's

58:13

just getting the traips around her college town

58:16

with my platinum Amex in a comfortable shoe

58:19

At least when we did it we were Uncomfortable,

58:22

so when we would swipe our dad's credit

58:25

cards at the bar We were reminded every

58:27

time when we felt the pulse our heartbeat

58:29

in the balls of our feet We knew

58:31

you know what dad you

58:33

can't be mad cuz I'm still standing these

58:36

kids got it too easy You

58:39

think I ever got a care package

58:41

from Robin McMahon at the University of

58:43

Mississippi yo, we didn't have Amazon I'm

58:47

not a dare. We didn't have Amazon So, you

58:49

know what we had to do and I hope Emily

58:52

who is my social media guru who

58:54

is definitely gonna be listening and editing

58:56

These clips Emily I want you to know something

58:58

right now if you wanted to you needed clothes

59:00

for like a sorority swap You

59:02

didn't have Amazon. We had to

59:04

go to a Costume

59:06

warehouse that was an old

59:09

barn on the outskirts

59:11

of town To

59:13

get a costume and we had to

59:15

write a check And

59:18

get a paper receipt That's how

59:21

we created costumes for these swaps or we

59:23

would go to thrift stores There

59:25

was no like going on Amazon and getting

59:27

a naughty nurse costume There was no going

59:29

on Amazon and getting you know, a Spice

59:31

Girls outfit No, no, no, no I

59:34

had to call a woman named

59:36

Barb and go out to her barn

59:38

make an appointment and then sift through

59:41

a Warehouse full of

59:43

old costumes that had all

59:45

been peed on or barfed

59:47

on at some point not dry cleaned And

59:50

I remembered there was like a closet in it

59:52

Like if you peed in the costume you

59:55

had to pay for it, but then they would

59:57

still reuse it They would just like hose it

59:59

down out back them for booze. And

1:00:01

you know, Randall would let a cigarette ash

1:00:04

kind of breeze it out. That

1:00:06

was it. Febreze and cigarette ash is what

1:00:08

every single costume smelled like. Also what everything

1:00:11

from Rent the Runway smells like.

1:00:13

There, I said it. So

1:00:15

regardless, y'all just have it so easy. When

1:00:17

I wanted to order clothes, I didn't even have before I

1:00:19

moved into the sorority house because I lived in the dorm

1:00:21

and getting a package of the dorm was a nightmare. So I got

1:00:24

a PO box at our student union

1:00:26

and I would go on forever21.com. That

1:00:29

was my sheen. That was my sheen. And I'd go

1:00:31

on forever21.com and order 45. I just, I

1:00:36

would click under the filters, whatever the largest size was.

1:00:38

And that is what I would wear. And I would

1:00:40

go to my little PO box and get a slip.

1:00:43

I get a slip in my mailbox. I go

1:00:45

to the PO box and I grab all my

1:00:47

boxes. And then one of my sorority sisters was

1:00:49

illegally parked outside the student union and I would

1:00:51

run out with all my boxes. And because my

1:00:53

frat daddy t-shirt was so big over these

1:00:55

short Nike shorts that made me look like

1:00:57

I was completely naked. I would just shove

1:00:59

all the boxes under this billowy t-shirt and

1:01:02

I would carry them out and I would get in

1:01:04

my sorority sisters car and she would drive me approximately

1:01:06

four and a half feet to the back of the

1:01:08

DG house. And we'd all sit around

1:01:10

in the chapter room and open our forever21 boxes.

1:01:13

And then it would take four and a half months

1:01:15

to get a refund because you had to give, send

1:01:18

it back by courier pigeon. So I want y'all to

1:01:20

know you've got it easy.

1:01:22

So if I've had, if I've been a little over

1:01:24

served and I come up to you and I,

1:01:26

you know, and I get a tape measure out

1:01:28

of my, you know, full

1:01:31

price Prada. No, I bought it

1:01:33

at the outlet, my outlet Prada. And I get out

1:01:35

there and I said, honey, you got 45 inches of

1:01:37

circumference around this thigh that we're not utilizing. Let's get

1:01:39

on a tighter gene. I want you to know it

1:01:41

comes from a place of love. I

1:01:44

am always trying to help you be, be

1:01:47

the you today you want to be tomorrow. We'll take

1:01:49

off the jinkos. But that's

1:01:51

why hurt people hurt people. I'm telling you why I'm hurt. Because

1:01:54

so many of y'all and this one girl, I actually

1:01:57

said to her, I was like, Oh my God, again

1:01:59

with the moms. So do you know who

1:02:01

I am? She's like, yes. Yeah, but can I still

1:02:03

get the photo for my mom? So

1:02:08

I don't know. I got to hit harder on

1:02:10

the TikToks. I got to somehow get in that algorithm

1:02:13

of these 18, obviously only

1:02:15

legal, 19 to 25 year olds.

1:02:19

You know, I don't know what I got to call

1:02:22

Charlie D'Amelio, see what her vibe is, and just

1:02:25

figure out how to get back in there.

1:02:27

Because the amount of young gals that asked

1:02:29

for photos for their moms was

1:02:31

just, it was humbling. It

1:02:33

was humbling. But you know what, at the end of

1:02:37

the day, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I

1:02:40

love all your moms. I love all

1:02:42

your dads. I also love

1:02:44

running into a guy that I knew from college.

1:02:47

His wife was like, oh my God, my husband loved

1:02:49

you in college. He said, although

1:02:52

I'm bitter. I asked him, I

1:02:54

was like, do you know Heather in college? And he was like,

1:02:56

oh yeah, she was so loud. That

1:02:58

is not how you describe a female comedian. There's

1:03:01

a difference in being loud and there's a difference in

1:03:03

being funny. And I just, in

1:03:05

that moment, I was reminded that when I

1:03:07

would tell people in college, you

1:03:09

know, I mean, they're like, well, what

1:03:11

are you studying? I'm like, oh, I'm going

1:03:13

to be a standup comedian. They were like,

1:03:15

okay. I forgot how uneducated men in Mississippi

1:03:18

were to women being in comedy, you

1:03:20

know, because there's a difference, difference in

1:03:22

being loud. And there's a difference in having

1:03:24

something poignant to say. Okay. On

1:03:26

that note, I'm going to get off here. I'm

1:03:29

going to go get my blood sugar, right? I'm

1:03:31

going to eat a salad from subrica and I'm

1:03:33

going to wrap this up next week. It's

1:03:35

going to be a wild episode. And then the

1:03:37

week after that, we are doing Valentine's day and

1:03:39

I'm very excited to go through all your voicemails

1:03:42

of your Valentine's. Absolutely not. Absolutely

1:03:44

yeses. January felt like the longest month on the fucking

1:03:46

planet, but we are out of it. We are moving

1:03:48

into the Aquarius season. Let's get it. I

1:03:51

will see you guys in Australia. In Vegas. I'll

1:03:53

see you on the road. Get your tickets at heatherontour.com. Remember, hurt

1:03:55

people, hurt people and youth is wasted on

1:03:57

the young. Love you. Mean it.

1:04:00

Heather, say bye. Thanks

1:04:02

so much for listening to today's episode.

1:04:05

Don't forget to subscribe, rate us,

1:04:07

and leave a review. And as

1:04:09

always, follow me on Instagram at HeathersKMcMahon.

1:04:11

See you guys soon. Please

1:04:38

note that this episode may contain paid

1:04:40

endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

1:04:43

Individuals on the show may have a

1:04:45

direct or indirect financial interest in products

1:04:47

or services referred to in this episode.