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to the Absolutely Not Podcast. Where

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we do the most and the least at this same

0:45

damn time. I'm your host, Heather

0:47

McMan. Hello,

0:56

ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode

0:59

of The Absolutely Not Podcast.

1:01

I'm your host, Tethr McMann. How

1:04

the hell are you? Hope you're doing well.

1:06

It's a beautiful week. We are full

1:09

into Aquarius season. We are full into February.

1:11

We are doing the freaking most lot to discuss.

1:14

Lied to unravel. On a

1:16

wild weekend, had a great time. I

1:18

did two shows in Ohio, then I went to Indianapolis

1:20

to round out the weekend. Amazing

1:22

shows. Thank you to everybody who came

1:24

out. It's so much fun. Cleveland,

1:27

you fucking brought it Cincinnati, one of

1:29

my favorite places to perform and always

1:32

and Indianapolis keeps it weird. You

1:34

know what I mean? And that is what makes

1:36

the world go round. Double shout

1:38

out now that I wanna say I favored one city

1:41

than the other. But I did see

1:43

when we were in Cincinnati we rolled up and I had

1:45

to stop at a Walgreens to get a cuticle

1:47

clipper. Cuticles felt dry, needed

1:49

a little, you know, upkeep. Got

1:51

a cuticle clipper and some zyrtec, and I

1:53

was standing in the Walgreens. Just

1:56

looking for, you know, some antihistamines,

1:59

for a little mid February nasal

2:02

flare up. And I

2:05

smell something in this downtown Cincinnati

2:07

Walgreens and I look over the lady next to me

2:09

smoking a blunt in the store. Full puffs.

2:12

Didn't care. No fox. And

2:14

I said, you know what? Talk about be

2:16

the you today you wanna be tomorrow. You know what

2:18

I mean? Didn't care. And

2:20

that's why I love Ohio. The Midwest in

2:22

general is just no one

2:24

gives a fuck. In the best way.

2:27

Lots of fucks, but none as well.

2:29

But since an addie, listen, I gotta give you all a big

2:32

shout out, that what a fucking show. The

2:34

crowd was amazing. You know, when you

2:36

guys sit in the first two rows and I do crowd

2:38

work and you're great, it's so much

2:40

fun. Everybody was giving me fucking

2:42

life. It was such a fun show.

2:45

I loved the Taffe Theatre shout out to them, just

2:47

a blast. Just a such blast. Wanted

2:49

to update y'all on our

2:51

little we

2:54

weren't even gonna I wasn't even gonna go public

2:56

with this, but it's too funny not too. Had

2:59

a small security breach after

3:01

one of the shows. Okay? And

3:04

I'm just gonna I'm were all

3:06

good. No one was harmed. I I never

3:08

felt like I was should

3:11

fear. But I just want

3:13

y'all to know. The stakes as

3:15

to where we've gotten. Now this does not

3:17

mean I want you to know that this is not me doing some

3:19

sort of weird humble brag like, wow.

3:22

Security reach, I need it. No. No. No.

3:24

That's not like that. This is just a

3:26

testament to the power of drunk

3:28

white women. So after

3:30

the show, one of the shows, I am

3:32

downstairs. Right after the show, I rip

3:34

off my costume because I sweat pretty bad in

3:37

it. I rip it off and I just throw on black

3:39

tea, you know. Black jeans, my

3:41

nikes. I'm wolfing down some Chick fil

3:43

A nuggets because I don't eat before the show, so I'm starving.

3:46

And I see a young woman downstairs, and

3:48

she walks right past me. So

3:50

I'm sitting at a table with Erica, I'm one

3:52

of our lovely representatives from

3:54

the touring group. And

3:57

Raymond and I, and they both have their backs to this

3:59

lovely woman. So I see her walk by. She's in a pair

4:01

of hot leather shorts, tight top, knee

4:03

high boots. I think she might work for the theater. I'm like,

4:05

oh, she probably dress up. Because a lot of times when

4:07

I go to theaters, like, the manager will dress up

4:09

kind of, like, on theme. You'd be like, oh, I heard you, like,

4:11

animal prints all throw us a month. So I'm sitting

4:14

down there and mining my business, nothing, anything

4:16

of it. So see this woman go around the corner

4:18

and she goes right past me. I'm the only one who

4:20

can see her. Everybody else says they're back to her. I'm

4:22

the only one who can see her. She walks right past me,

4:24

doesn't see me, doesn't make eye contact. And

4:26

looks down a whole way. Right? So

4:28

she walks past, looks left, looks right, and

4:30

I don't think anything of it. I'm like, alright. She

4:33

may be lost, but I'm also, like, not worried. So

4:36

then I walk around the corner to my dressing room.

4:38

I'm about to get ready, throw all my sneakers,

4:40

and head up to do the meet and greet after

4:42

the show. Little VIP

4:44

thing. And all of a sudden,

4:47

I look up in the doorway of my dressing

4:49

room, and there is this woman. Let's

4:51

call her Lens.

4:55

Okay. Let's call her lens. That isn't her

4:57

name, but let's call her lens. Lens looks

5:00

at me and just says the

5:02

I would say probably the creepiest thing

5:05

you could ever say to a human. Completely

5:07

harmless. It's an LOL moment,

5:10

but I'm gonna tell you this right now. If for

5:12

any reason, you do get

5:14

back stage. Never say the following.

5:16

So she's standing in the doorway, like

5:18

her back against doors. My door's propped

5:20

open. Right? She's standing with her back against

5:22

the door and just goes, I found

5:25

you. I

5:30

found you. And

5:32

I just go, you sure did.

5:35

You sure did. Chris,

5:39

follows her because he immediately is like,

5:42

now I had some friends at the show. So he

5:44

knew people gonna be coming backstage. Well, we always have,

5:46

like, backstage passes. That are like,

5:48

you know, there's a security briefing, all

5:50

this jazz. And so Chris comes

5:52

around the corner. He goes, who that? Who

5:55

is that? And I said,

5:57

this is ma'am, what is your name? And

5:59

she's like, Lens. And I said, this is Lens.

6:02

He's like, uh-uh. No. No. No. No. He literally

6:04

yells. Security. And I go,

6:06

she's fine. We got it. I said, Lynde, why

6:08

don't you take a walk with me? I grab my sneakers.

6:10

Right? Here's the thing. At no I mean, listen,

6:13

I could take down a slender white woman. You guys,

6:15

you both know it. Alright. I'm I

6:17

got big bone structure. I

6:20

mean, I'm I'm a fighter. I'm not I wasn't

6:23

stressed, but I just knew

6:25

that this woman. So okay. Wait. The first

6:27

thing I'd ever mount this, I found you

6:29

the second thing out of her mouth, I said, you

6:31

sure didlands. I said, how'd you find

6:33

me? She goes, I just walked in like

6:35

I own the place. I

6:42

was like, fuck. Yeah. You did. She's

6:45

like, I literally just went up to security

6:47

and said, I'm I'm lens

6:49

and walked right in. And

6:51

and also, this downstairs backstage was

6:53

pretty confusing. Like, she had to go through

6:55

a lot of tunnels, a lot of doors, a lot of

6:57

twists and turns, and she just showed up.

7:00

I found you. So Chris

7:02

is like, Like, he jumps into

7:04

action. You don't mean thinking that I'm about to get

7:06

stabbed. He's like, this is the moment. I'm like, we're good. We're

7:08

good. So I just border upstairs.

7:10

I'm like, hey, walk with me. Walk and talk with me. Security

7:12

is now realized what's happening. Now mind

7:15

you, two of the security guards have been eating the Chick

7:17

fil A nugget tray. Okay? Class

7:19

f. Fucking love it. COULDn't be better. COULDn't

7:21

be better. And I said, you guys have as many

7:23

nuggets as you want. You know what I mean? Like this for

7:25

everybody, have the nuggets, but that's

7:27

a problem. I lured security

7:29

away from the post with the snack. That was

7:31

half my fault. And then

7:34

we escorted her up. Chitchetta with her on

7:36

the way. I was just like, we got a party bus. You wanna

7:38

get on? And I was like, hey, girl. My job is technically

7:41

not done for the night. So I'm gonna go, chitch

7:43

out with some people. I've gotta close with the

7:45

theater. We have to do, you know, some stuff.

7:48

I gotta pack my uniform. I gotta do

7:50

a couple things. I'm gonna sit down and have a little dinner.

7:52

I gotta say hi to couple folks. Then maybe

7:55

I'll meet you on the party bus. Like, could you know where your

7:57

party bus is? She's, I'll find them.

7:59

Like, I found you. I'm gonna find them.

8:01

And security is, like, we got it. They scored her

8:03

very gently out. No threat, no cause,

8:05

but I just want y'all to know. If

8:08

in fact, you were ever in a situation. Okay?

8:10

Because that's definitely never gonna happen again in one of our

8:12

shows. But if you're ever in a situation where

8:15

you get past, you know, I'd say,

8:17

past the the dotted line. Right?

8:20

Say you're at a Ricky Martin concert, and you

8:22

really love them. Say you're at them. I

8:25

don't know. Harry Styles. You know, you're at the house

8:27

to Harry. And you or some aim somehow

8:29

able to finagle your way,

8:31

sweet talk your way backstage. Never

8:33

under any circumstances walk into

8:36

someone's private room where they've just taken off

8:38

their wet spanks and rung

8:40

them dry in the in the sink

8:42

and then say I found you

8:45

You know what I mean? Say, hey. Loved

8:48

the show. Hey. This

8:50

is so fun. Hey.

8:53

Is this your dressing room? Hey,

8:55

can I use some hair from your hairbrush?

8:58

All of those would be more acceptable instead

9:01

of I found you.

9:04

Like, it was it was just

9:07

And I go, you sure did. You sure

9:09

did, Linz. You sure did. I've

9:13

been wearing my star phase pimple patches

9:15

everywhere. I love star phase. I also

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really love their face wash. I've been taking that on

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9:23

our face, but why not covered up with something cute?

9:25

Okay? There's nothing worse than going to bed and looking

9:28

like a damn monster, but now I can look like

9:30

you know, just acuity acuity with the star

9:32

sticker on my face. It actually goes to work.

9:34

I absolutely love star phase. I

9:36

think it's just an awesome company. Starface

9:39

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9:41

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9:43

whatever mood I'm in. There's classic yellow

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9:55

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9:58

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10:52

AG1 is the freaking best. You

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wanna know why I love it so much because it keeps

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10:58

is such a no brainer. I take one scoop,

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put it in water in the morning, I can take

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the travel packs with me. I take the whole pack with

11:04

me if I'm going somewhere far for

11:06

long, and it just helps me

11:08

feel like I'm doing something good for my body.

11:11

I freaking love athletic greens,

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which is now, you know, called AG1

11:15

for short, but I did the AG1 by athletic

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greens literally every day. And I gave it

11:19

a try because I just would travel

11:21

so much and I was getting sick and run down

11:23

and my immunity was low and not

11:25

to talk about it, but I'm gonna talk about it.

11:27

How often my stomach would get messed up. I

11:29

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11:32

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it out. You'll love it. So

12:19

we had a little bit of a security breach. We

12:21

laughed about it. I mean, you know, listen.

12:23

I'm not fucking worried. But famous

12:26

last words. But it just I do have

12:28

to say, that was one of probably Deema

12:30

out of all the things in the English dictionary.

12:34

Hell even in, like, the French dictionary that

12:36

you could probably come up with.

12:39

I found Jews hands down.

12:42

The worst. Speaking of, I found

12:44

you, not to, you know, really

12:46

sound the alarm, but what the fuck is going

12:48

on? And when I say what the

12:50

fuck is going on, listen, you know,

12:53

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I I also

12:55

think that if you don't ask a couple of questions,

12:57

you get your head in the sand. You know what I

12:59

mean? I'm not storming the capital by

13:01

any means, but I am wondering

13:03

are the aliens are here. Right? Because

13:06

there's lot of things getting shot

13:08

down. And you

13:10

know I know that we all know that the aliens

13:12

are real. Okay. They've been saying this for a while.

13:14

So this isn't like, oh, Heather, there's no there's

13:16

aliens. But I saw a couple news briefings.

13:19

Like, I really put myself in a tailspin like,

13:22

nine PM while watching the Super Bowl

13:24

last night. Really put myself in a tailspin. Well,

13:26

everybody else was watching the sports. I

13:28

somehow ended up on, like, people

13:30

doing deep dives of what's actually going on,

13:33

what's actually going on, you know, with

13:35

all these unidentified objects crashing

13:38

to the ground. And they're definitely

13:40

either UFO's or it could be

13:42

some sort of, hey, another countries

13:45

testing out some sort of like chemical warfare

13:47

situation. But now, they've shot

13:49

one down over Canada, over Alaska,

13:51

over over like Huron, a couple

13:53

on the eastern seaboard. So

13:56

things are that there's there's multiples. I

13:59

don't know. I don't know what the answer is, but all

14:01

I know is literally in the first,

14:03

I'd say, three minutes of Rihanna's performance

14:06

last night. I was on Amazon buying emergency

14:09

survival kit. Also, God bless

14:11

the people in Turkey and Syria with everything that was

14:13

going on that horrific earthquake. You

14:15

just kinda, like, I don't know what has happened

14:17

in the last, like, seventy two hours I

14:20

just feel like maybe I should have,

14:22

like, you know, some sort of prep

14:24

bag, an emergency bag, at least a fucking

14:26

flashlight. And I'm not even trying to be funny right now.

14:28

But at least a fucking flashlight and

14:30

maybe a loose can of water

14:32

in the fucking car. God forbid something happens.

14:35

Now I've said you know, when the Lord

14:37

comes or if the bomb hit, take me. Just

14:39

let me out first. I'm ready to go.

14:41

I've I've done my time. I'm a good gal.

14:44

You know, I could look to the Lord and say,

14:46

I found you. You know what I

14:48

mean? Right here, Hey,

14:52

I found you or maybe God will say that

14:55

to me. The angels will come out.

14:57

We found you and I'll go Yes.

14:59

I've been sitting at the same Chipotle every Monday

15:01

and noon for, I'd say, the last three

15:03

years. But anyways, I,

15:06

medically, bought a bunch of

15:08

random shit. I know I bought y'all.

15:10

I know you're gonna be like, Heather, you're nuts. I don't know

15:12

why, which is between Super Bowl

15:15

And, you know, I got stressed, Rehan, as pregnant.

15:17

I mean, good for her. I'm so thrilled for her. But

15:19

then I got stressed. I think it was the

15:22

than knowing that we're never gonna get a new album

15:24

because I'm a I'm a fenty navy gal.

15:26

You know what I mean? Am I a part of the beehive?

15:28

Yes. Am I a fenty navy? Yes.

15:32

I just felt like, well, you

15:34

know what? I could have spent the money on

15:36

new tickets. I could have spent the money on

15:38

it, the Beyonce and the Rihanna tour.

15:40

But since we're not getting that, I'm

15:42

gonna go ahead and maybe buy some

15:45

seeds. I put seeds. I

15:48

bought iodine tablets. I

15:51

bought three, like, emergency kits.

15:53

I bought some solar things to charge stuff.

15:56

And wind up radios. So

15:58

Jeff is also like getting these receipts

16:00

on Amazon. He's like, what the fuck are

16:02

you buying? This is like, Bing, Bing,

16:05

like his DraftKings thing is going off.

16:07

And then it's it's the alert that Heather

16:09

just bought, wind up radios.

16:12

And just like, what are you doing? I go, I don't know, Jeff,

16:14

the aliens are coming, which I think that

16:16

either way, they'll beam us up. Like, I don't know what

16:18

is happening. But I said, I just feel like I need

16:20

to buy some seeds and beans. You know what I mean?

16:23

Can you fault me? I think it's pretty

16:25

normal just to have maybe an eight

16:27

pack of water, a loose can in the

16:29

car, and a fucking flashlight. I'm

16:31

not over here trying to whistle blow. I'm

16:33

just saying something in my soul

16:35

has been stirring. Okay? And

16:38

after that woman, sitting a little

16:40

shock through my spine with the I

16:42

found you. I said,

16:44

maybe I just need to have a

16:47

pepper spray in the right pocket and

16:50

some iodine in the left. You know what I mean?

16:52

Also, Jeff was like, have you read on how

16:54

to use any of this? Heather, what are you gonna do?

16:57

What are you gonna do with these loose seats? And

16:59

do you know how to wind up a radio?

17:01

He was like, do you think that if something actually happens?

17:04

Right? Some catastrophic thing actually happens.

17:06

They're gonna be broadcasting it. I

17:08

said the other people will from their bunker.

17:11

Yeah. They will. I just I don't

17:13

know. He said, seeds. Do you

17:15

know shit about gardening a go? We're gonna

17:17

learn batch. I told you.

17:19

After I watched Top Gun, I felt like I needed

17:21

a skill. Well, guess what? I got the book

17:24

on how to make bread, and it's way

17:26

more complicated than I thought it was gonna be.

17:28

Okay? I got four books on how to

17:30

make bread. I have a bread maker. You know that

17:32

you actually have to, like, understand science

17:35

and be able to, like, count out,

17:38

like, measure out things from grams.

17:40

You everything's in grams. Nothing's

17:42

in, like, cups or quarts.

17:45

You gotta go by the end of the metric system.

17:48

Okay? So I'm over here. Not only do

17:50

I have to figure out how to, like,

17:52

long to let the starter sit, or

17:54

the dough to rise, or how long you have to leave

17:56

it in the fridge covered, it's it's like

17:58

It's a mad science experiment every

18:01

fucking time. You wanna make a goddamn sourdough

18:03

loaf. Okay? So

18:05

I already bit off more than I could chew there.

18:08

So I'm already feeling I'm double counting

18:10

on the fact that I realize I have no life skills.

18:13

Except telling jokes,

18:16

and I'm I have a keen sense of direction.

18:19

You know what I mean? Keen sense

18:21

of direction. Backstage

18:25

at the show in Indianapolis is lovely young

18:27

woman who was a friend of a friend came up to

18:29

me and said, hey, Heather. Just want you to know, I

18:31

got pregnant because I used mother

18:33

fertility. My husband and I didn't know about

18:35

my fertility. She literally, like,

18:38

told me that she ordered the modern

18:40

fertility online, came to her house, she

18:42

checked her fertility, and she was like, oh, dang, we should

18:44

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21:28

just realized in the middle of recording, I was supposed

21:30

to be in a zoom. So

21:34

it's been a work Zoom. And if you saw me right

21:36

now, if you saw me in this basement

21:38

bunker, I'm in my office in the basement, I

21:41

have on a Italy t

21:43

shirt with no bra. I have on

21:45

miss eat well, she to print pants

21:47

at the bottom. I fell asleep. My hair

21:49

extensions are a full rat's nest

21:51

right now. And I look like

21:53

I've actually been up, you know, on

21:55

conspiracy theory talk. I'm on well.

21:58

I'm unwell. Fuck. This

22:00

always happens to me. It's not

22:02

in the it's not in the calendar. I don't see it in

22:04

the calendar. Do not see it in the calendar.

22:06

It is not in the calendar. Fuck me.

22:10

This is where to god. Oh my god.

22:12

They're like, we found you. You're

22:15

supposed to be on a Zoom right now. We found

22:17

you. Anyways, where

22:19

were we? What were we? I don't know. See, this is

22:21

the problem. Usually, you would record

22:24

this in a studio while somebody else would be there

22:26

and then they'd remind you where you were at, but I don't know where

22:28

you're at. So we're just gonna start from scratch. Anyways, oh

22:30

yeah, I bought seeds. bought seeds and beans.

22:32

They're gonna arrive, I don't know, probably in the next two

22:34

weeks, which is probably too late. So in the meantime,

22:37

I'm trying to learn a skill. I'm trying to learn

22:39

a skill. You know, rearing

22:41

children should probably be the skill

22:44

that I should be getting myself together

22:46

with right now. But that's

22:48

just not really in the cards for me right now. You

22:50

know what I mean? Honestly, this weekend's

22:52

turnaround was tough. I did

22:55

three shows, two states, So

22:57

we did the show in in Cleveland. Then

22:59

the next morning, we drove across the state to Cincinnati.

23:01

Then we turned around drove to Indy. mean, they weren't

23:03

crazy far distances, but it's a lot. It's

23:06

a lot, and then you fly out Sunday. Met a

23:08

nice gal on the Delta Sky. Met two nice gals

23:10

on the Sky Club in Indianapolis, met one

23:12

lady who sat next to me,

23:14

lovely gal, and let me know that she was too

23:16

hungover on Saturday

23:18

to make it to my show. So that's

23:20

always really fun. I love that.

23:22

That's great. Just makes you feel

23:25

warm and fuzzy inside. She was a

23:27

big fan and said she party too hard Friday

23:29

night and all of her friends went to the show and she

23:31

did not make it because she was too hungover. We've

23:33

all been there. That's not me doing anything. Accept.

23:36

Just knowing that, you know, we

23:38

can't party like we used to. But

23:40

that's fun. That's fun. You know what I mean?

23:42

That's that's all I'll say there. Any

23:44

who really excited to dive into the hotline

23:47

tonight. I met so many fantastic people

23:49

at these shows. You guys were hoot and holler.

23:51

I also know living in the Midwest. In

23:53

the Midwest, it's just a it's a raw

23:55

raw place. You know what I mean? They've got

23:57

a lot going on there. It's kinda

23:59

confusing at times too. Because

24:02

they're just like, you know, they're we

24:04

were in Indiana, and I said, what are what's your mask

24:06

on? They said, the who's who's yours? I

24:08

said, what is a who's your and nobody gave

24:10

me a real straight answer. The man

24:13

Steven on the front row said he was a hoozer.

24:15

And I said, Steven, you're sitting front

24:17

row in Heather McMan show. Sucking down

24:19

peanut m and m's, like a good boy.

24:21

And I don't know if you if that

24:24

you should be the I would say the absolute mascot

24:26

representative of Indiana. You

24:28

know what I mean? So I still couldn't get a real

24:31

understanding of what a who's

24:33

your was, but either way. I

24:36

believe Stephen, the

24:38

man on the front row, who's eating peanut m and

24:40

m's all show, I believe that was him.

24:42

I believe he was it. So

24:44

if anybody can give me any clarity on that, would

24:46

love to know more. But yeah, Ohio,

24:49

great place. Zero fucks

24:51

given, lady smoking a blunt in the middle

24:53

of walgreens on a,

24:55

you know, three o'clock in the afternoon, like,

24:57

hardcore Ohio. And I fucking

25:00

love it. Hardcore. Hard

25:02

core. But it's great.

25:05

It is so great. I had great food

25:07

from a place I believe Pepe and Dolores,

25:10

in Cincinnati, Rigatoni

25:13

Alavaca, phenomenal. It

25:17

was fucking great. Oh,

25:19

I know what I was saying. I should be I should

25:21

be rearing children. That's what I

25:23

should be learning. I should be rearing children

25:25

right now. I guess that's the one life skill.

25:27

That women in their mid thirties should have

25:30

or be doing. And I guess you

25:32

just learn because my mom said you have no idea

25:34

what to do with children and they come out and you just

25:36

figure it out. So that and I've always

25:38

been that way with kind of everything. You know what I mean?

25:40

A new exercise program. I just jump in and learn.

25:43

I do no research beforehand. So I

25:45

felt like maybe I needed to sharpen my

25:47

brain skills and, like, study something. Like,

25:49

you have to study pastry. You have to

25:51

just study cooking. You have to go in there and, like,

25:53

really learn tactile tangible skills,

25:56

but I've already I've already tapped out. It's too hard.

25:58

It's too hard. can make a banana

26:00

bread, but if you're asking me to become this some

26:03

wild bread maker. You're out of your mind.

26:05

And when we're down to the jerks and kakos, we met

26:07

our friend Harry and who owns tribe, which

26:09

is this incredible bakery down in Providentialis,

26:12

and she was like, yeah, my husband gets up at two thirty

26:14

every day to, like, start baking the bread.

26:16

That's too early. And my girlfriend,

26:18

Sariah, who owns the wonderful breakfast

26:21

and bakery spot headmother cookhouse.

26:23

She's there like three AM every day

26:25

making croissants. That's too early. I

26:27

mean, if I could just stay up and cook

26:29

till four, but if the hours are I gotta

26:31

cook from two to seven, that's not

26:33

gonna work. If you're like, you can start baking

26:36

this shit at eleven PM and then go to

26:38

bed at three that I'm fucking rocking and rolling, and

26:40

we're about to have the best croissants you've ever seen

26:42

this side of the Mississippi. But those hours

26:44

don't work for me. And when I when

26:46

I read more about bread making, specifically in

26:48

the sourdough region, which is the best version

26:50

for me because I have a smile

26:52

gluten sensitivity. I realized this

26:55

bitch is too fickle. You know what I mean?

26:57

It's too finicky. It's fickle. I

26:59

need, like, you know, if you get in a jet

27:01

ski and you press the gas, you're

27:03

fucking going. That's what

27:05

I need. I need If you Like,

27:07

I need learn mountain biking, or

27:10

how to tie rope, or you

27:12

know, Eric Lighting,

27:15

something where you can get in, learn

27:17

left, right, stop, don't jump,

27:19

land, and then you're good. And

27:22

I know there there's a lot more that goes in

27:24

apparent gliding and sailing. Okay. I

27:26

I do understand that, but that is

27:28

where we're at. That is where we're fucking at.

27:30

Okay. Great. Anyhow,

27:33

lots of other exciting things happening. Back

27:35

on the road this weekend, shout out

27:38

to Knoxville, Tennessee. I've got

27:40

a tight turnaround. I'm going to Knoxville, Tennessee. And

27:42

then we're coming up to Philly, one of my favorite

27:44

cities forming. I am so sorry that the Eagles

27:46

did not win. You guys are still winners in my

27:48

heart, though, because you have Jason Kels. Who's

27:50

on your team? And I think I think he's

27:53

adorable. KELES TO KELCY.

27:55

I DON'T KNOW. THE KELC'S BROTHER'S KELCY,

27:58

HE'S JUST A BIVY DADDY AND I KNOW HE'S

28:00

MARY, SO NO, YOU KNOW, ALL RESPECT

28:02

TO HIS BEAUTIFUL FAMILY. But that's

28:05

that's winner in my heart. You know what I mean? And I

28:07

love Kansas City. You know, I I don't have

28:09

any major loyalty to

28:11

one sports team. Being a Falcon's fan,

28:13

you just bend over and roll

28:15

the dice. You know, I don't know if you'd remember the

28:17

last time we went to the Super Bowl, but we were

28:19

up twenty one. And then Tom Brady

28:21

came back with Gronkowski and laid

28:24

down the hammer. So, you know,

28:26

I'm not throwing salt on my own wound. I'm just I

28:28

want everybody to have a good time. But any

28:30

who cannot wait to be back in Philly.

28:33

Oh, side note. You guys, pretty sure

28:35

Philly is almost sold out, but people have been demanding me.

28:37

So the website has been down through

28:39

Ticketmaster. To buy tickets

28:41

in Philly so you have to call. I don't have the

28:43

number in front of me, but I will be putting some

28:45

stuff up this week on Ticketmaster. We've been

28:47

selling so many tickets like day of

28:50

day before call. Just Google.

28:52

Hopefully, the website should be up,

28:54

but they literally had the FBI investigating on

28:56

this because there were some sort of, like, another

28:59

security breach, another leak. So if

29:01

you're having trouble getting tickets, just

29:03

bear with me but call. Call and you can

29:05

buy them. But I'm very excited. Knoxville Philly,

29:08

then we're going to we got three shows

29:10

in DC. I'm coming everywhere.

29:12

We got Pittsburgh. You know what

29:14

I mean? We're coming to Providence Rhode

29:16

Island. Berlington Vermont.

29:19

I'm coming out west. Hey, Vancouver. Vancouver.

29:22

I know you guys are mad at me last time because I

29:24

had to canceled the show because I had to go to LA for work,

29:27

and I apologized about that. I apologized.

29:29

Could make it international. I'm coming to

29:31

Vancouver, and we've got I mean, I'm basically

29:33

gonna have to be standing on the side of

29:35

the sidewalk with the sandwich board to

29:37

sell fucking tickets. Okay? All

29:40

these other shows Pac, Seattle,

29:42

Portland. Those are sold out. So if

29:44

you wanna come, if you live in the Pacific Northwest

29:46

and wanna come to a show, cross the border

29:48

an hour to Vancouver. Okay?

29:50

We wide open. It's gonna be

29:52

like a somebody may even be able

29:54

to suck on a teeth. It'll basically be an entire

29:57

security breach. Because we're all just gonna be sitting

29:59

together, come by eyeing, telling jokes,

30:01

and talking intimately. If you've ever wanted

30:03

to have like a personal therapy session with Heather,

30:05

come to the Vancouver show. Alright? As

30:08

always, you can get your tickets at heather on

30:10

tour dot com. Can't wait to see you there. Can't

30:12

wait to be there. It's gonna be a blast. Okay.

30:14

Let's get into it. As always, you can call into the

30:16

hotline eight hundred

30:18

2137503.

30:20

Let's get into it. Hey, Heather.

30:23

This is Lincoln in Meredith from Iowa.

30:25

We just went to your show last night. Indeed. Great

30:28

show. We loved it. We just

30:30

have to bring up some ridiculous bullshit

30:33

that we encounter though. So

30:35

we're all just there trying to get go with

30:37

you. We're waiting in line for a drink.

30:40

Our friends yeah. They're swapping in and

30:42

out to the bathroom. Like, all gal

30:44

too. The group of four ladies

30:47

behind us in line, they lost

30:49

their fucking mind. They're

30:52

yelling at us. Get to the back of the line, like, when

30:54

one of our friends would come back from the bathroom, they'd

30:56

yell at us to get to the back of the line saying

30:58

that they were more important because they had kids and

31:00

should be served first. They

31:02

were going on about how they donate to charities

31:05

so they should get their first

31:07

make no sense. Right? But most importantly,

31:10

They were acting like wild

31:12

fucking animals. They were growling

31:15

at us, standing behind us,

31:17

growling at us. We should

31:19

have recorded it. So absolutely not

31:22

to those old Indianapolis tags.

31:24

Eleven Mike.

31:26

Okay. This is gonna be controversial.

31:29

But that's funny. That's

31:31

funny. Okay. First

31:33

of all, first of all, you got

31:35

growled that. Alright. This may have

31:37

been the same party bus of women who

31:40

came up to me and said, I found

31:42

you. We found you. Okay.

31:44

So you got growl back. And

31:46

you're telling

31:47

me that, you know, this every McMahon

31:49

show is a safe space. So I'm not

31:52

here to start the controversy. I'm not pitting

31:54

the Iowa gals against the Indiana gals.

31:56

But I'm telling you what, if you're getting growl

31:58

that, and it's always

32:01

you know, it when the Titanic sinks.

32:03

Who do they say is all first women and children?

32:05

Do I technically fall in that category? Yes.

32:07

But I like to be on the life you

32:09

know, on the the lifesaving boat first,

32:12

I would. But I know. I

32:14

know that I can't pull that card because people gonna

32:16

take a look at my shoulders and go, get in the back bra.

32:19

And I'm gonna say, a full woman and they're gonna

32:21

go, doesn't matter. We need you to fight, and I'm gonna

32:23

go, you're right. See, these are the things

32:25

that I think about at night when I'm

32:27

laying down. When I'm laying down, trying to

32:30

relax, these are the things that stir in my

32:32

heart and mind. You know, I want

32:34

everybody. Usually, the everybody's

32:36

been really behaving themselves except for the woman.

32:39

Who almost murdered me backstage. But

32:41

other than that, everyone's been behaving themselves

32:43

and been awesome. And been great. And I had so much fun

32:45

at all those shows. But you know what I do sometimes

32:47

hear the touch and the go every now

32:49

and then, there's a little tussle outside

32:51

and, you know, in the bathroom. A

32:54

woman trips another

32:56

gal, and her new adult JV to heels.

32:58

You know, there's always something. I'll tell

33:00

you what, though, I'm excited to go back to Boston.

33:03

Okay? And I'm playing a really cool the

33:05

theater at Emerson. I'm so excited to play

33:07

that Boston show. But last time I told Joe

33:09

this before last time at the Boston show,

33:11

two women got in fight in the parking lot.

33:13

Over what I don't know, over

33:16

who I don't know. But

33:18

if that isn't the most Boston shit I've ever

33:20

heard, So I gotta be honest with you after

33:23

spending seventy two hours in the Midwest.

33:25

It is checks out. You know,

33:28

think a lot of people think, oh, Midwesterners. Soft

33:30

in the center, eating a lot of corn.

33:33

You know, blood sugars touch

33:35

and go, not really with it,

33:37

nuh. So, dude, this is how people

33:39

think about Southern people. Like, we don't know.

33:42

Eyes in the back of our fucking head.

33:45

You know what I mean? Midwestern girls

33:47

ready to fight. Now I'll

33:49

never ever promote fight. There's

33:51

no reason we're here to giggle. So

33:53

I like the I would like to come back toward be a safe

33:56

space for everybody. But

33:59

I like that you called in

34:01

and said, listen, we were ready to roll. We

34:03

were ready to rumble. They

34:06

said they were more important because they had children. Well, we

34:08

know that's not true. You know

34:10

what I mean? I love a mother's

34:12

day out. I love a night out for the gals.

34:14

You you know my favorite thing is when

34:17

I after Cincinnati show, real talk.

34:19

The Cincinnati theater can either get, like, super

34:21

hot or super cold, and I was burning up

34:23

after the show. So I opened the side window,

34:25

and I did this last time I was at the Taff Theater.

34:27

And this great cool breeze, it's just like this

34:29

wild tunnel of air comes through and so I'm cooling

34:32

off. And I can hear people talking about

34:34

the show as they leave the theater. You know, girl screaming.

34:36

Oh my god. It was so fun. Hell, yeah.

34:39

You know, just like Carol getting the Uber or

34:41

whatever. And this couple was walking by, they

34:43

were like, fuck yeah, there was a blast. And

34:45

so I screamed, hey, guys. And the this

34:47

couple came up and they're like, dude, we just had two

34:49

kids and this is our first real night out feeling like

34:52

adults since we've had two kids. And I was like, fuck. Yes.

34:54

Thank you guys for coming out at the show. It meant the world

34:56

to me, meant the world to them. We just had a great little,

34:58

like, Hell, again, that's a good reminder that

35:00

when I'm doing jokes, blowjob

35:02

jokes are just jokes in general. It's for a good

35:04

cause. It's to bring people together. And this

35:07

should be every show should bring it be a time

35:09

to bring people together. Not to have

35:11

a not the age gap,

35:13

because we got a couple younger gals

35:15

in line getting the same white wine that the older

35:18

gals are six kids again. Can we not

35:20

all be good examples for each other? Or if

35:22

you're gonna fight take it out in fucking parking

35:24

lot? Because I don't have enough insurance on the

35:26

building. If you start. Stop.

35:28

You know what I mean? If you start, but not.

35:31

On-site my own battles backstage, with

35:33

a woman named Lynde who said, I found

35:36

you. You know what I mean?

35:38

I already got to keep on my toes. And

35:41

if you've never done stand up comedy, essentially,

35:43

what stand up comedy is is you get up on stage

35:45

in front of millions of people. And I say

35:48

millions, I think there was, like, twelve hundred in the crowd

35:50

that night. You get up on stage in front of about

35:52

twelve hundred people, and they're expecting

35:54

you to make them feel fulfilled

35:57

and laugh. It's insane. It is

35:59

the most insane job in the world to get up

36:01

and just try and make people laugh. I love it.

36:03

It's the best job in the world. It's the only

36:05

thing I've told you this before. It's the only skill

36:07

I have, that and I have a keen sense of direction.

36:10

And I can keegle pretty freaking hard.

36:13

But I'm out here. I say, like, sometimes

36:15

right before I walk out on stage, I'll turn to Chris

36:17

or Ray or whomever, and I'll just say, this is

36:19

wild act. Like, it's still it's not Like,

36:23

I've been doing comedy for twenty fucking

36:25

years, but it's still there are days where I'm like, this is

36:27

unhinged. This is the wildest thing to do. I'm

36:31

out of here fighting for my life. You know what I mean?

36:33

But then I find out that we got broads fighting

36:35

for their lives over who's

36:37

getting the last you know,

36:40

seltzer at the damn bar.

36:42

Enough. And

36:44

I want any name called on the podcast, but

36:47

enough. You

36:50

know what? If if if I'm in my

36:52

mid thirties and the younger gals are cut in line,

36:54

this is a teaching moment. The more

36:56

you know, Mitch, Maybe

36:58

step up and say, hey, girls. You

37:00

know what? We don't get out much because we have kids,

37:02

but that's okay. I see you girls are having

37:04

a great

37:05

night. You know what rounds on me? Get in

37:07

the back of the line. What do you want? It's on

37:09

me. But no, we had to bring it

37:11

up. We got kids.

37:13

Yeah. Well, Some

37:16

of us just also bought seeds. You

37:19

know, we've got kids. We're buying

37:21

seeds. We're prepping for the end.

37:25

China's in in weather balloons that are probably

37:28

not for the weather. You

37:30

know what I mean? We're all basically

37:33

holding on for dear life. Next

37:36

week, I gotta get somehow figure out how to get

37:38

from Knoxville, Tennessee to Philadelphia. Riddle

37:42

me this. If you don't think I'm

37:44

gonna be rolling into Philly with

37:46

a heart for the Lord and a spirit to

37:50

pop off. You're out of your mind.

37:54

Somebody there show up to that theater with a

37:56

chili feet chili feet

37:58

steak, a Philly cheese steak,

38:01

at a forty. You

38:02

know what I'm saying? There's

38:04

plenty of days where I could use

38:06

an excuse I've got eczema. I

38:09

should be at the front of the

38:10

line, but I'm not.

38:12

You know what I

38:13

mean? I had no variances,

38:15

rapture. My ovary

38:18

flipped upside down and then if a

38:21

fluid filled sack spontaneously

38:23

combust on an airplane and if you've never heard that,

38:26

podcast episode. It's called ovaries on an airplane.

38:28

Back in, I think, October, November, twenty

38:30

nineteen, and it's the best episode ever to go back and

38:32

listen. Could I also use

38:34

that? Yeah,

38:37

that could be my excuse. But

38:39

we're not gonna use those excuses because we're a

38:41

family. We're community. And

38:43

I'm sounding the alarm that everybody apparently

38:46

needs to buy some seats. Oh,

38:48

come what am I talking about? Dude,

38:53

and I didn't realize there was beef between Iowa

38:55

and India. I'm sure India. It's

38:57

not India, Heather. What if there

38:59

was random beef between Iowa and India?

39:01

The country of India. What if there were

39:03

just these like spy weather balloons in

39:06

quotes and no quotes because you know

39:08

I don't believe it. That India

39:10

just started sending stuff to Iowa because

39:12

they were like, we've got beef. We don't know

39:14

why, but we've just

39:16

got fucking beef. I'm talking Indiana.

39:18

Sorry, I don't know why I was calling it India. Indiana.

39:21

I know I'm Googling. What's the

39:24

beef with Iowa in

39:26

Indiana? Let's see.

39:29

Three Indiana men's basketball loses

39:32

at Iowa one ninety one to eighty nine. Well, there

39:34

you go. So there you

39:36

go. I don't know what happened. I just Googled what's

39:38

the beef with Iowa in Indiana

39:41

and it came

39:42

up that Indiana

39:44

men's basketball lost recently, ninety one to eighty

39:46

nine. And that's gonna be heartbreaking. And I'm sure

39:48

a lot of those women who were in line who

39:50

said, you know, we're more important. We've got kids

39:52

Maybe their kids were at the basketball game.

39:54

Maybe they saw this devastating loss,

39:56

you know? Oh, and it says

39:58

why the UJERS lost to the Iowa

40:01

Hawk guys. Another thing I asked somebody

40:03

in the in the front row at the Indiana show. I said,

40:05

where you from? He goes, Iowa. And I said, what's your mask

40:07

on? He goes, the hawkeyes. And when I asked him,

40:09

what's a hawkeyes? Is the eye of the hawk? He

40:12

didn't really know either. So, really,

40:14

people from Iowa and Indiana, neither of y'all

40:16

know what's going on. I would say,

40:19

categorically, categorically.

40:23

Just well, back tongue twister out. With,

40:26

I'd say, your school man, respectfully, either

40:29

y'all school's mac mascots. No

40:31

one knows what the fuck a hawk eye is and

40:33

nobody knows what a hoocher is, but never

40:35

forget the day that hawk took one

40:38

of my cats off my back porch and my dad

40:40

said, kitty's gone. How about him? And

40:42

if you don't know what that phrase or that references,

40:45

You're new here. Okay. You're new here.

40:48

And just a real thirty second recap.

40:50

My daddy came inside and said, kitty's

40:52

gone. Hawk got him. And

40:56

that man, the cat is gone. Ahawk

40:58

got him. So my dad wasn't

41:00

even that country. So here's the thing.

41:02

See, you know what, in that moment, when you were

41:04

beeping with the the older women, we

41:06

could have just done a Google search. Hey, why are we

41:08

beeping? And then we could have said, ladies, we're

41:11

not at a basketball game right now. We're at the

41:13

Heather McMahon Show. The room filled

41:15

filled with laughter and

41:17

fun AND POSSIBLE MURDERERS.

41:20

AND SO YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS A

41:22

TIME FOR US TO COME TOGETHER AND BUY EACH

41:24

OTHER AROUND DRINKS. And

41:26

help each other in the bathroom. I'll

41:29

pull your spanks up if you'll pull mine up.

41:31

And that's what it really should be about. Thank

41:33

you for letting me know. I will also add that to

41:35

my security briefing before the show, but

41:37

I just want y'all to know that we're not gonna

41:39

bring that energy or that attitude to the next

41:41

round. Knoxville. I want to see sisters

41:44

buy in sisters drinks. Billy,

41:46

I want everybody bringing me cheese steaks

41:48

and I'd like canollies. And last time

41:50

I was in Philly, I got a really big pizza

41:53

that said thick neck, thin ankles, I'd like another.

41:56

I'd also like some great I don't

41:58

know, other Philadelphia

42:00

things. I'd love

42:02

some luck alone. Also,

42:07

you guys can bring me gifts. Actually,

42:10

maybe not next weekend. You can bring bring me edible

42:13

gifts, but I don't think I can do it. I don't

42:15

think I can do a check back next week because I we got

42:17

a tight

42:17

turnaround. We're gonna be racing from Knoxville to Philly.

42:19

Either way, though, I want you to know when I was in Cleveland.

42:22

The

42:23

lovely lady who was our runner, which means she runs,

42:25

like, you know, I need Pepto before the show. She runs

42:27

out. She works with the theater. She said,

42:29

I got a couple nice gifts. And she said,

42:31

wow, these are nice, but I'll tell you get the nicest

42:34

kiss. Clay, again? She

42:36

said people bring in bibles. Like

42:38

bedazzled bibles and bedazzled things

42:41

and toys. I didn't really

42:43

further investigate toys. You know what I mean?

42:45

So I just wanted y'all to know that I

42:48

also know that ClayAkins getting a lot

42:50

more love. Okay? SO

42:53

MAYBE AT THE HUSURES AND THE HOCKEY

42:55

SPENT LESS TIME GRAPPLING IN LINE

42:57

OVER A Fucking Basketball GAME. IT

42:59

GOT TOGETHER ON THE FORUM AND THOUGHT what

43:01

kind of gifts can what kind of things can

43:03

we whittle out of wood for Heather? Maybe

43:06

we could really bring the community together. And

43:08

that's on God. Hey, shout out real quick, though,

43:10

to the bottled works hotel. I mean, this

43:12

is not sponsored anything. They just great hotel.

43:14

If you go to Indiana, stay at the bottled works

43:16

hotel. It's awesome. Really, really just

43:18

wonderful. They were so accommodating, and they're just great.

43:21

And it's in a cute little area and

43:23

that's a place to be. Also saw a

43:25

bride taking her photos outside of this hotel,

43:28

and she had a vat that was the size

43:30

of a remote control, like a clicker.

43:32

You know what I mean? I mean, I call it a clicker. Where's the

43:34

clicker? Because my mom's from Boston. But

43:36

like at fourteen, an iPhone fourteen Max

43:39

Pro is what this one was smoking out of.

43:41

In her gorgeous gown, and I just

43:43

thought, yeah, fuck yeah. That's an Indiana bride

43:45

if I've ever seen one. So anyways, the

43:47

reason for this season is is to get everybody

43:49

together and have a

43:50

giggle. And I don't wanna hear the rest.

43:52

Thank you. Next voice mail. Heather,

43:54

I'm gonna remain anonymous on this one, but

43:57

I've got it absolutely not for you. Okay.

43:59

I'm just taking a little jiggy jog in my neighborhood,

44:01

you know, stretching the old legs. And

44:04

as I'm running, I'm feeling kill your

44:06

feeling between the legs. You know what I'm saying?

44:10

My tampon straight

44:12

up sell out my vagina. Have

44:14

you ever run so fast that you've literally

44:17

ran your tampon out of

44:19

your vagina? Like full

44:21

on came out. And, you know,

44:23

I'm on a pretty popular crowded

44:26

trail. So what am I to do?

44:29

I mean, I continue running

44:31

and act like nothing's happening, but

44:34

I'm pretty damn uncomfortable. We

44:37

cut that run. Oh, you know, short.

44:40

I did not know. I had a heavy flow in a wide

44:42

set vagina. Haven't even had kids

44:44

yet. So that makes

44:46

me feel some kind of way. Straight

44:49

up hand pointing

44:49

out. Absolutely

44:52

not. Hope you're having a great tour. Love

44:54

and like. Bye. Girl's sister friend,

44:56

I want you to know that I hear you. I see you. We've all

44:58

been there. We've all had a loose slip. And

45:00

that has nothing to do. For the gentleman

45:02

list Just wanna give wanna lay down some science

45:05

that I do understand. Has nothing to do with

45:07

the lips, has nothing to do with the the muscles

45:09

inside of your body. What happens is

45:11

sometimes you can just You know, like,

45:13

when you're you're in a you're you're

45:16

in a jog. And you got if you got a

45:18

full tampon, it just she's

45:20

coming out. You know what I mean? I don't know how to describe

45:22

it. I've been there. We've all been there. Name and time

45:24

that you haven't been there, where you've just been in

45:26

the mall. You know? Just

45:28

cut off the escalator, heavy flow.

45:31

You've got to walk in the Abercrombie, bop.

45:33

Next thing you know, you go, the she came out.

45:36

She's out. She's gone. She

45:38

is she just she

45:40

was in now, she's not. We've all

45:42

been there. And I can't imagine, listen, good

45:44

for you. First of all, pat yourself

45:46

on the fucking back for exercising

45:49

on your period. Let's go ahead and

45:51

establish a baseline of

45:55

You did it, Mitch. You know what? It's the number

45:57

one thing I'm not doing the day I demonstrate any

46:00

sort of cardiovascular activity.

46:03

Okay? I'm going to moan

46:05

as loud as possible to let everybody

46:07

in my household know. I'm uncomfortable. I'm

46:09

going to say six times in the mirror

46:12

you look like shit because you're on your period. Then

46:14

I'm gonna yell something usually towards

46:16

the sky like the Bay Drayake. And

46:19

then I'll, you know, just lay in bed and

46:22

probably watch twenty thousand different videos

46:24

of, you know, how to plant these seeds in my backyard.

46:27

That I bought on Amazon. You

46:29

know, for when the nuclear bomb

46:31

comes. This is the other thing that I haven't really thought

46:33

through. I don't know why I can't get off this. Like,

46:36

how am I gonna then grow

46:38

seeds outside when the soil

46:40

has radiation in it. Didn't think that went

46:42

through either. You know what I mean? I

46:45

don't know. Maybe fingers

46:47

crossed. Fingers crossed.

46:50

We've got couple more years. And I can

46:52

learn how to garden, and then I can move those plants

46:55

into a dehydrator and like have dehydrated

46:58

squash or cucumber in my bunker. That's

47:00

what I'm thinking. Glass half full.

47:02

Additive to gratitude. But what I meant

47:04

to say was good for

47:06

you for exercising. You're already three steps

47:09

ahead of the game. When I'm on my period, I let

47:11

everyone know how uncomfortable miserable I

47:13

am. Now, I don't

47:15

get really intense periods anymore. I had to

47:17

get back on the birth control, another controversial

47:19

thing. And this is not me giving,

47:22

like, fake news or something. I was listening

47:24

to a couple doctors because I've been trying to, you know, regulate

47:26

the hormones and the fertility and all that jazz. I'm

47:28

on my own journey that eventually I'll share.

47:30

But I stay on the birth control for my

47:32

ovarian cyst because if not, it really

47:35

fucks me up. So I do well on birth

47:37

control. I don't wanna be on it anymore. I feel

47:39

whatever but I I look better. Would be like, you

47:41

look like you've lost what you alluded to. I

47:43

swear to God, birth control is

47:45

way better for me than not being on

47:48

it. When I listened to this podcast

47:50

the other day and they were like, how terrible

47:52

birth control is for you? But then on the other end, they're

47:54

like, if you've ever been on it for five or more years,

47:57

You cut your, like, you

47:59

cut your chances of getting

48:01

ovarian cancer in half,

48:03

something crazy, like fifty percent. Okay.

48:05

So again, information

48:08

coming at you in a million ways. It's

48:10

like nobody knows what the fuck to

48:12

do. Nobody knows what to say, nobody

48:14

knows how to make an informed decision because on one

48:16

hand, you're you're it's

48:19

good. On the other hand, it might be horrible.

48:21

On the other hand, I may never

48:23

be able to give any more eggs to

48:25

get children. On the other hand, you

48:27

know, I'm not in the hospital with a flipped upside

48:29

down ovarian, cis rev On

48:32

the other hand, my

48:34

tampons don't fall out anymore because they're not

48:36

so soaked and saturated because I have very light

48:38

loose periods. But on the other hand, I

48:41

don't ever know when my period's coming. You

48:43

know what I'm saying? Like, it's I'm

48:46

not even these are the thoughts that go on

48:48

in every woman's head. On the

48:50

other hand, you're exercising.

48:53

Getting out there, getting your steps. And on the other

48:55

hand, I'm laying in bed. Now

48:58

googling, what do I do with all these

49:00

fucking seeds while laying on a

49:02

heating pad? When

49:05

I only need, like, a a light

49:07

tampon for maybe two and a half days, which on

49:09

the other hand, I feel like is probably

49:11

not good either. So I hear

49:13

you. We all hear

49:15

you. I love that I really brought that back to me and I'm

49:17

sorry that you had to go through that experience of it just

49:20

slipping out and guys don't get it. You know one

49:22

time we were driving down the road. I'll never get this.

49:24

We're going to a wedding. And I thought

49:26

I might have started my period. And I'll never

49:28

forget how shocked Jeff was. And

49:30

I literally I'm just embarrassed that I'm sharing

49:33

this. So I had a dress on. So what did

49:35

I do? I, like, were in the car and thought I might

49:37

have started my period. So I just stuck

49:39

my hand in You know, hold

49:41

the phone to the side. Just did

49:43

a light tap, brought

49:45

my hand up. Jeff almost went

49:48

over the tap and z bridge. He

49:50

was like, what are you doing? I said,

49:52

I was just checking to see if my period started. Like,

49:54

I can't reach down and look. I

49:56

don't wanna pull down my underwear. So just

49:58

did a little light tap. Everybody's done the little

50:00

finger tip. Oh my god. Can I just check real

50:02

quick? I said,

50:04

Jeff, you scratch your nuts all fucking day in

50:07

the kitchen. Preparing meals for

50:09

the family. You will scratch,

50:11

stir the risotto, scratch, cut

50:14

the burrata. I don't want to hear it.

50:17

It's all the same shit at

50:20

the end of the day. A

50:23

light to check if I've started.

50:26

A light tapped to the tank is

50:29

harmless, used hand sanitizer, immediately

50:32

after. Don't need to, though,

50:34

because we're not gonna shame anybody for their

50:36

pH balance down there. Because

50:38

the vagina is a beautiful thing. And

50:41

look what we can do. You know what I mean?

50:43

But every girl has

50:45

been there where a, you didn't know you're about to start

50:47

your period and it just came. That's the thing

50:49

that Jeff also doesn't understand. How do you not

50:51

know when it's coming? Because sometimes you

50:54

just don't. And I used to be on

50:56

regular every twenty eight days. Bam.

50:59

Always been regular. My whole life. But

51:03

some days you just don't know. Some days

51:06

it just says, You

51:08

run-in the New York City marathon, and

51:10

it just slips out. I

51:13

don't know. How why are you asking

51:15

me these questions? Every

51:17

woman knows when it's coming, and every woman

51:20

also doesn't know when it's coming.

51:22

And it's probably some sort of weird trauma

51:24

response. Because

51:26

Eve ate the fucking apple. You

51:30

know, maybe I wouldn't be buying

51:32

seeds online.

51:34

If Eve would have just gone for a PB and

51:36

J, would hit

51:38

a a food cart, kinda street talk

51:41

up? Before she had to

51:43

eat the apple from the

51:44

snake. You know? But

51:46

here we are. And

51:48

our girl over here is hitting the trail

51:51

getting in her steps because the the society

51:53

says she needs to exercise. Well, also not

51:55

just science is good. We should all get in

51:57

steps and be working on our heart

51:59

health. You know what I mean? We all shed

52:01

because that's important. I've been working

52:04

out lifting heavy weights and I've never felt

52:06

better in my life. Muscles are toned.

52:08

I'm feeling great. I go on my walks.

52:10

I do my weights. I'm gonna start diving into pilates.

52:13

Why? For health, wanna be strong.

52:16

Wanna be strong.

52:18

But, yeah, we've all been

52:19

there. You know, hitting that

52:21

treadmill. Bop pops out. And

52:24

then as that means that says nothing

52:26

about you as your

52:28

pelvic floor strength. That just means pussy's

52:30

diet and She was full.

52:33

You know what I mean? And

52:35

that's what that means. And guess

52:37

what? You know what that tampon said when she came out

52:39

you? I found you. But

52:42

I'm glad you made a home safe. I'm glad we

52:44

didn't have any further accidents, and it's

52:46

a beautiful

52:47

day. It's a beautiful day to buy some

52:49

seeds. Let's get to the next voice mail. Hi,

52:51

Heather. This is Caitlyn from

52:53

Cincinnati. And

52:55

I am just calling in with a

52:57

giant absolutely yes, which is

53:00

your show here in Cincinnati on

53:02

Friday night. My husband and I came,

53:05

and it was

53:07

so good. I laughed till I cried.

53:10

And we also got to come

53:12

to your question and answer afterwards.

53:15

And I actually got the nerve up

53:17

to speak and ask you a

53:19

question and get a picture with you.

53:22

And just

53:24

absolutely as to you being so

53:27

real and down to Earth and so

53:30

friendly and just thank you. Because

53:32

I have been listening to your broadcast,

53:35

for the last two or three years. And

53:37

I have a lot of imaginary conversations with

53:40

you. And so

53:42

for you, to be just as

53:44

awesome in person as I would have hoped

53:47

that you would be. I don't

53:48

know. I

53:48

just feel like you hear

53:50

a lot of stories about people meeting their favorite

53:53

celebrity and it not being as

53:55

great as I

53:55

think. And you were

53:58

amazing and

54:00

Now I feel like we're basically friends. So

54:03

absolutely yes to connection

54:06

and your shift into ninety

54:09

nine. That Friday

54:11

night,

54:11

and my toddler is driving

54:13

in the background. But absolutely, yes.

54:16

Thank you for putting on such a great show

54:18

and being so

54:19

awesome. Love and light.

54:21

You know, out of all the voice mails, I just tried to

54:24

choose this voice mail because it really built me

54:26

up. You know what I mean? It it was just

54:29

reminding everybody that I am

54:31

nice and great. And that's

54:33

how I like to end every episode. No.

54:37

I wanted to end on a positive note because

54:39

I've realized we've gotten pretty dark. Pretty

54:41

dark here. I mean, listen, On the way

54:43

to Cincinnati, I made Rae and Chris

54:45

in the car listen to really

54:47

horrific, just so sad. Incurably

54:50

sad. And not that we should, again, put our head this

54:52

in, but about North Korea. You know, I've been obsessed with

54:54

North Korea for a long time now. It's a personal

54:56

problem. I'll work through it. Then I I was making the

54:58

boys listen to a

55:00

podcast about North Korea

55:03

and one of the defectors, and it was just it was

55:05

so dark. It was so fucking dark. At

55:07

one point, they were like, hey, Heather.

55:09

You have to go to a comedy show tonight.

55:12

Can we maybe put on me just a light

55:14

Beyonce just to, like, get us all

55:16

back in a positive mood. I was like, you're right.

55:18

You're right. So I want you to know the energy

55:20

going into the Cincinnati Show after seeing the

55:22

woman openly smoked blood in

55:24

Walgreens and listening to some pretty

55:27

dark times on the four hour ride there

55:29

was I didn't know what the energy was gonna

55:31

be going into Cincinnati. And then the Cincinnati

55:34

crew brought so much energy back to

55:36

me that I gave it back to you. See, this

55:38

is what I'm talking about. Like in Indiana, when the

55:40

ladies, I went in Indiana were fighting.

55:42

BUT IF WE ALL CAME TOGETHER AND

55:44

WE WORKED TOGETHER, THE ENERGY IS

55:46

EVEN BETTER. AND THE PEOPLE FROM SINCEANITY

55:49

and shout out to everybody from Kentucky who came

55:51

out of Cincinnati too, were so much

55:53

fucking fun that I was able to give

55:56

you the best me Now if you were

55:58

to meet me after say, I don't know,

56:00

another show where maybe

56:02

I I didn't meet that day, or maybe,

56:04

you know, I had tampon pop out of

56:07

my pussy mid light jog

56:09

to the stage. You may say differently.

56:11

You may walk away with an angle. Wow. Heather

56:14

was a real bitch. But you know

56:16

what the energy that you brought me in sensei

56:18

was energy I was giving back to you and it was full

56:20

throttle fun. Like, you have no idea

56:22

what it's like to walk up the stage. And just,

56:24

will you guys get it? When you leave a show and you're like,

56:26

that was so much fun. You know I gave

56:28

you my all. I gave my

56:30

all at all the shows. But when you guys

56:32

give it back to me, I'm like, let's

56:34

go doggy. There is a woman in the audience

56:37

of the Cincinnati show who said she and her husband

56:39

ran it only fans. I've been

56:41

looking for their only fans. I can't really find

56:43

it, but if she hears this, you were

56:45

second row. She was so much fun with her husband.

56:47

They were there with another great couple. If

56:49

they do still actually have a live act

56:51

of only fans, please DM me. I would

56:54

love to see your buttholes. You know what

56:56

I mean? That

56:58

would be so much fun. That would be fun.

57:00

That would be great. Because they were

57:02

a hoot and a half. And gave

57:04

me so much energy on the front row. Like,

57:07

you know, they were just they were in it.

57:10

But also, you know what I love? I love that had a great night

57:12

with your husband. And I love that you were able to get

57:14

out and get away from the fam, and I love that

57:16

your toddler was on this, but it just went a overall

57:18

positive note. And I'm glad

57:20

wasn't a cult. How bad could this

57:23

voice mail have been if you were like, hey, we

57:25

met you after the show. You punch

57:27

me in the donkey after I popped

57:30

out of your suitcase and said, I

57:32

found you. You

57:34

know what I mean? You

57:37

know what I mean? Also,

57:40

I'll just tell you this right now. I'm

57:42

really not that much of a moody bitch.

57:46

I'm I I've been PMS ing hard. I've been

57:48

crying a lot, but I told you I've been crying for

57:50

happy things. Again, I'm the person

57:52

I watch the Hallmark movie and I cry.

57:54

I watch something tragic, and I feel

57:57

nothing. And I don't know what that says about

57:59

me. Look, I just laughed that. There,

58:01

I just said, I see something Like, I

58:03

don't know why. The sweet stuff makes me cry

58:05

but the sad stuff. I

58:07

it it makes me sad. Do

58:09

the farmer's dog commercial? The farmer's

58:12

dog commercial at the Super Bowl. I watched that

58:14

and I was sobbing. That's how I

58:16

do know I'm actually about to start my period. Jeff

58:18

was like, what are the dog didn't die at

58:20

the end, Heather. I was like,

58:22

but the dog was old. Shout

58:26

out to farmer's dog. You know that's when I feed feed rags.

58:28

But literally great marketing on their

58:30

end. Great campaign. If

58:33

you haven't seen it, Google it, such a good commercial.

58:36

I was hysterically crying. Also

58:39

might have been teetering a little bit because

58:41

I had had a glass of wine and was

58:44

buying seeds online. So again, world

58:46

topsy-turvy. You

58:48

know, real up and down of emotion there.

58:51

But also thank you. Thank you for reminding

58:54

me. Because did that, you

58:56

know, I'm not a horrible person because sometimes

58:58

I get in my head. And I know I'm not horrible person.

59:00

I'm very kind. I'm very, you know, Also,

59:03

my moods don't really change. I'm not an up and down.

59:05

Even when I drink, I kind of stay even keeled.

59:08

But I get anxious too before shows. I feel

59:11

some type of way. I wanna go out there and give my all

59:13

and do my best. I know y'all feel that way

59:15

about work. You know, I know

59:17

that you're going to your job, but you're dealing with kids. You're

59:19

doing all those things. You're like, you wanna give it your all.

59:22

So I'm glad to know that I went out there and gave

59:24

it my all and you felt that. But I

59:26

will say this, I cannot guarantee if you pop

59:28

out of my dressing room again. I cannot guarantee that

59:30

I won't be. You know, in action,

59:33

I won't jump into action. As long as

59:35

we keep it at a chill distance, you

59:37

know what? I think we're gonna be okay. As

59:39

long as we can I get a hug?

59:41

Absolutely. I'm coming in for the hug. But

59:44

if you if I'm in the bathroom changing

59:47

and then you're just standing over me

59:49

in the stall and you're like,

59:51

can I get a hug? I don't know how that's

59:53

gonna end. You know what I mean? They

59:55

say never meet your heroes. I met

59:57

my hero once. I used to love John.

59:59

I mean, I still Jones Rivers in comedy was just

1:00:01

very iconic and she was so lovely

1:00:03

and kind and it made the biggest difference. But

1:00:06

I'm sure somebody one day will meet me when I'm

1:00:08

on my period. And my

1:00:10

tampon, I'm going through TSA at the airport.

1:00:12

My tampon just slipped out. You

1:00:15

know what I mean? Because I didn't know it was coming.

1:00:17

Didn't see it. The warning signs

1:00:19

were there, just like all these UFOs

1:00:21

or whatever, or China, or

1:00:23

whatever, whoever send in something.

1:00:26

It's like the red flags are there, and that's

1:00:29

how a lot of women feel in their period. The red flags

1:00:31

are there, but sometimes we just don't know what's coming.

1:00:33

So if I am ever kind of short or anything,

1:00:36

at the airport wherever you might see me, I'm

1:00:38

catching a flight. Deuces, love

1:00:40

you, can't stop. Gotta catch

1:00:42

his flight. Know that it's coming from a place

1:00:44

of love. And know that I'm actually

1:00:46

probably sitting at home or I'm

1:00:48

catching that flight run into the next gate because I

1:00:50

gotta show that night. And in my mind, I'm thinking,

1:00:53

why did I buy so many fucking seeds? Why

1:00:55

did I buy so many seeds? I don't know what

1:00:58

to do with them. I don't know how to use them.

1:01:00

Why? But I want

1:01:02

you to know that I did go through about a hundred

1:01:05

insane voice mails, and I picked this one just

1:01:07

because it was gonna make me feel good.

1:01:12

You know, I just

1:01:14

needed it. But the Mean Green

1:01:16

at Cincinnati was absolutely phenomenal. You

1:01:18

know, it was great. The Mean Green Indiana,

1:01:20

and if you were there, you'll also know

1:01:23

there was one woman there who had no idea where

1:01:25

she was. She had no idea. She

1:01:28

had no idea who she what

1:01:30

what state she was in? You know,

1:01:33

she might have also been doing something illegal crossing

1:01:35

crossing state lines. I don't know. She did

1:01:37

not know what showed she was at.

1:01:40

You know, we had a couple of those, and that's what I

1:01:42

love. That's why I love love traveling around.

1:01:45

See what crazy shit you guys are getting up to

1:01:47

in every city. Cleveland was

1:01:49

fun. Oh, dude, shout

1:01:51

out to Chelsea who brought her mom and

1:01:53

dad to the show in Cleveland. I'm ripping

1:01:55

jokes at the dad. Right? He's so much fun.

1:01:57

I don't realize that the mom is sitting

1:02:00

on the other side of Chelsea. So shout out

1:02:02

to Chelsea's parents, first and foremost,

1:02:04

that apparently they listen to the podcast, Chelsea's

1:02:07

mom, I'm so sorry. I was just ripping jokes

1:02:09

at your husband. I didn't also know you were there, and then

1:02:12

I may have said something inappropriate, you know,

1:02:14

funny BJ joke. But that, I didn't

1:02:16

realize you were there. So I hope that you also laughed

1:02:18

at that joke too. You know where my heart's coming

1:02:20

from. And when people

1:02:22

bring their dads, nothing makes me happier.

1:02:26

Nothing makes me happier, and that's

1:02:28

what it's all about. I love you guys.

1:02:30

As always, you can call into the podcast eight hundred

1:02:32

2137503 and

1:02:34

get your tickets at heather on tour dot

1:02:36

com. I'll see you next week in Knoxville,

1:02:39

Philadelphia, and I've got some exciting

1:02:41

surprises that I'll bring you next week. Can't

1:02:43

talk about it now? Keep you on your joints. Love you mean

1:02:45

it. Have a regular day or two channel. Thanks

1:02:49

so much for listening to today's episode.

1:02:52

Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave

1:02:54

a review. And as always, follow

1:02:56

me on Instagram at heather k Nickman.

1:02:58

See you guys soon.

1:03:24

Please note that this episode may contain paid

1:03:26

endorsements and advertisements for products and

1:03:28

services. Individuals on the show may

1:03:30

have a direct or indirect financial interest

1:03:32

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1:03:34

in this episode.