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The following podcast is a Dear Media

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production. Welcome

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to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we

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do the most and the least at

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the same damn time. I'm your host,

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Heather MacMahon. Hello

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ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode

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of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host,

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Heather MacMahon. How the hell are you? Hope

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you're having a great week. This is one

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of my favorite episodes of the year, period,

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point blank, period. It is our

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post Thanksgiving wrap up. I

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want to hear about your family trauma.

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What did you do on Turkey Day?

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Did you sit around the table and

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stab a relative? You know, was there

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a political outburst by Nana? I

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want to know all of the trauma. So we're going to get

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into it today. We're going to hit the hotline. As

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always, you can call in 800-213-7503. But you

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know, it's that time of year. It's

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a holiday season. And

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Thanksgiving for me has always been

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a little bit of like a, a

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little bit of a letdown. I, you know, we'll

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cook a ton and then it'll just

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be the four of us, Jeff, my mom, my sister,

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and I, and that, not that that's not a beautiful

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thing, but I feel

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like Thanksgiving, it's, there's

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two parts. We don't have

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a big family. So I

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am always like in a weird way,

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very jealous of the people who have

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65 cousins. We have cousins. We just,

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you know, don't hear from them

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often. That makes

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it sound like gossipy and juicy. It's not,

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it's just that, that it is what it

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is. But we never grew up,

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you know, we kind of always had our nuclear core

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four, if you will. So

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yesterday was just the four of us and we cooked

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enough food for 45 people. And of course we consider

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our friends, family, and we had people coming by. But,

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um, I'm always secretly a little jealous

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of the people who have 65 cousins.

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19 in-laws, everybody's there around

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the table. It's buffet style

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because there's too many fucking

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kids. In a weird way,

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I'm jealous of the chaos. But then in

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another way, when I am just making my

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plate of leftover food the next day, which

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is pasta, because you know I don't heat

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up mashed potatoes, we didn't even make those

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this year. We did a duck, we did

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filet, we did an amatriciana for my favorite

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restaurant in Rome, El Falchetto. We

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did make a stuffing with a

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nice chorizo, but we did not do your traditional Thanksgiving

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garb. But anyways, I was heating up my pasta

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before I came into the studio today, and I

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was like, yeah, yeah, this is nice. Nobody

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else got their paws on this, because there's

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only four of us. So suck my

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dick, everybody else with big families. But

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then after dinner, we had some friends come over

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and we all took edibles, and then we walked

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over to my neighbor's house, shout out to Lindsay,

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stopped by Lindsay's house, you know, and I did

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the usual. She just moved into the neighborhood, where

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dear friends from high school, so I had to

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peruse through, see who are interior designer, you

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know what I mean, check out the

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carpet, kind of rub my fingers along

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the drapes, just do a general judgment,

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but Lindsay has great taste. So the house

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looks fantastic. And then now, let me

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tell you what I did. I get high as a kite,

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I go over there, I bring my own glass of tequila,

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okay, I got a tequila on the rocks, because

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the wine's been giving me a hangover. So

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I got my own tequila. Lindsay, you know,

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her whole family's there, she's got 65 kids

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running through the house, they're playing pinball,

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basketball, I mean, it's lit. And

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we show up, you know, with the giggles,

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and I am just judging the hell out

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of the home decor. She's already got her tree

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up, so that makes me feel like less of a

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woman. But we're sitting there, we

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sit outside by a beautiful fire, they've

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got this gorgeous built-in patio, like, hit

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with TVs, we're watching the Ole Miss game,

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and she's like, hey Heather, you know, a lot

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of ladies in the neighborhood, we're on this group

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chat, do you wanna be in it? And

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I'm literally, I knew I made the decision under

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the influence, but I said. me and

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coach I want to be in the

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neighborhood group chat. I'm not

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gonna tell you the name of my neighborhood but let's

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say it's called I don't know Riverdale

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Riverdale so now I am in

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the women of Riverdale group text.

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I'm a high as a guy.

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I send a photo to everybody

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like what's a peace sign I'm

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already getting text be like yo what's up

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it's Amy I live on this is a

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you know down street and

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I've got the two golden noodles you know

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like I am in it I'm getting dog

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descriptions children descriptions my husband's got a bald

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spot on the left side of his head

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you know I'm Gary and I am in

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it so I'm making a little profiles like

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you know I like to scrapbook so I made a

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little profiles for all the new girls that are in

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the group chat from our neighborhood and I'm

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so excited I'm already ready for wine

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night I'm like let me know what

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the fuck is going on in the neighborhood

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because I feel a little out of it you

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know I'm on the road all the time

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and I'm technically the oldest member of the neighborhood

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when it comes to longevity I mean I've

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been living technically since it's my mother's home we've

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been living in the hood for over 20

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something years and then all this

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young blood has now come in and their kids

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go to the private school down the street that

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was the rival to my private school and I'm

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in it you know what I mean

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I'm in it so I made the

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mistake last night being very high under

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the influence to join the women

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of Riverdale's group chat which it's

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not a mistake I'm thrilled but I'm ready for

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the hot gosh I'm ready to be able to

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go on night walks with some other broads listen

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them bitch about their kids we can all

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collectively bitch about our husbands I mean it's

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a good thing but my friend Lindsay

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said she goes you know you open a can of

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worms okay get ready and I'm like I'm here

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I got a little time off the road

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and you know what I'm ready to do

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become a domestic goddess I want

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one of these women to come over watch

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me sweeping out my garage and say honey

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you're doing it wrong and then I want

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them to slip me a little number and

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they're like this