0:01

The following podcast is a dear media

0:03

production. Welcome

0:08

to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do

0:10

the most and the least at the same

0:12

damn time. I'm your host, Heather

0:15

McMahon. Hello

0:22

ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another

0:25

episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm

0:27

your host, Heather McMahon. How the hell

0:29

are ya? Oh

0:31

yes, it's Valentine's week. Gets

0:34

a made up holiday so people

0:36

who are single feel bad about

0:39

themselves. How we doing?

0:41

Wanted to do a little Valentine's

0:43

Day episode. Listen, you know me.

0:45

I'm not for the Hallmark holidays.

0:49

I think it's a little asinine. And

0:51

I'll tell you right now, I

0:53

don't go to dinner on Valentine's Day. No,

0:56

absolutely not. There's two days you never go out

0:59

to eat. It's Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. And

1:01

I'll tell you why. Because as

1:03

somebody who used to work in the service industry, I

1:05

know everyone who's in that restaurant

1:08

is pissed to be there. I

1:10

mean, they like working the holidays. If you're

1:12

working in the service industry, you don't mind working a

1:14

Christmas Eve and I'll tell you why. Because

1:16

that place is going to be packed and you're walking

1:19

away with cash money. You're

1:21

walking away with cash money.

1:24

People tit better on the holidays. If

1:26

you're working at Thanksgiving at like a Ritz

1:28

Carlton in DC, you're

1:30

getting pommed a couple hundo. Wait,

1:33

real quick. Shout out to Three Peach. Three

1:36

Peaches? Three Peaches in Atlanta. I'm

1:38

having a mushroom latte, which

1:40

is going to get me zip zap

1:42

zoppin. Delicious. They're

1:46

all gluten-free vegan. A little bakery that

1:48

we found here in Atlanta. It's frickin'

1:50

fantastic. But anyways, back to Valentine's Day.

1:53

I mean, listen, everybody knows that iconic scene

1:55

from Sex and the City movie, right? Miranda's

1:58

trying to tell Carrie. that

2:00

big cult, right? Isn't that the scene?

2:03

That big cult? And

2:05

she talks to him on the phone and

2:07

they're sitting at that restaurant and there's the

2:09

balloons everywhere and they're trying to have this

2:11

like girlfriend dinner and Carrie's like, I can't

2:13

believe you didn't tell me, reach it out.

2:15

And it's this dramatic scene. Alright,

2:17

we've all been there. Whether you're on a,

2:19

you know, a girl date, a guy date

2:22

with your friend, you're doing a little Galentine's

2:24

Day, whatever. We've all, we all know that

2:26

that week, this week particularly, is a little

2:28

bit hairy. Whether you're in a relationship or

2:30

not, just like this forced week of

2:33

love and of kind of

2:35

bullshit, you know, I love

2:37

when people say, well Valentine's Day is every day if

2:39

you wish, show and special, sure. You

2:42

know, you can also be married to

2:44

a narcissist. So it's just,

2:46

I don't even know why I'm labeling

2:49

this Valentine's episode, but

2:51

I thought we could go through some absolutely not,

2:53

absolutely yeses about love, about Valentine's Day. I had

2:55

you guys call into the the hotline and as

2:57

always, you can call in the hotline, 800-213-7503. But

2:59

it's just funny because I

3:04

think my mom always hated going

3:06

out on Mother's Day. So I was like, I'm not going

3:08

out to a Mother's Day brunch. The kitchen's

3:10

stressed. The hostess is being a bitch.

3:12

You gotta make a reservation eight months

3:14

in advance. The food is shit. So

3:17

my mom, people thought we were

3:19

nuts when my mom would cook on Valentine's or

3:21

on Mother's Day. People thought we were insane. They're

3:23

like, you don't love your mother. How could you

3:25

let her be slaving away in the kitchen? And

3:28

my mom was like, cause I got the best

3:30

restaurant in town. Lay

3:32

off me. She's like, I want to eat my own

3:34

chicken piccata cause that chicken piccata down the street's garbage.

3:37

So I think the best way to show somebody love

3:39

is to let them do whatever the fuck they want

3:41

to do. You know, I'm not going

3:43

to force Jeff to take me to a cheesy

3:45

restaurant for a prefix. You

3:48

know where we want to go? I'll tell you Outback. You

3:50

know what's sexy to me? A blooming onion

3:52

with that good Outback ranch. You know Outback

3:54

has the best ranch. You

3:56

know, get an extra one to go. You know,

3:59

post lovemaking session. You know, I think

4:01

there's a lot of holidays where we're forced

4:04

to do things, forced to

4:07

celebrate and if it's gonna cause you more stress

4:09

don't do it. Make your own traditions.

4:13

I mean Jeff and I do

4:15

like to particularly celebrate. Okay, our

4:17

dating anniversary is February

4:20

4th and the way

4:22

Jeff asked me to be his girlfriend. Okay,

4:24

let me back up. The reason he chose February

4:26

4th is because he's

4:30

good with numbers. I'm actually dyslexic with numbers so

4:32

I was surprised that he made this like correlation.

4:34

He did February 4th because he knew it was

4:36

10 days before Valentine's Day so he thought he

4:38

could kind of like kill two birds with one

4:40

stone. He's like I'll never forget it because it's

4:42

10 days before Valentine's Day. We

4:44

went to this restaurant speaking of prefix.

4:46

It was restaurant week in New York City

4:49

so we're like 22 years old and

4:52

it's restaurant week which used to be the thing.

4:54

Now it feels very group honey. Back in the

4:56

day if you lived in New York you went

4:58

to restaurant week and restaurant week was a when

5:01

restaurants of you know

5:03

high class, high quality, high caliber

5:06

would do a prefix for like a hundred dollar flat

5:08

fee, booze

5:10

included and you got to

5:12

go try a nice prefix. Some of their

5:14

hot, their hottest dishes. So

5:16

we went to this Italian place on the Upper East Side and

5:18

we were not Upper East Side girly so I remember being like

5:20

why the fuck are we going to the Upper East Side? Went

5:22

to this Italian place and we sat down at dinner and

5:24

the way Jeff asked me to be his girlfriend he's

5:27

so nervous. So this is

5:29

exactly what he said. He goes so I was

5:31

just curious you know we've been dating a couple

5:33

weeks now what are you telling

5:35

your friends and I looked at him deadass in the

5:37

eyes and I go I'm telling them you're my boyfriend.

5:40

I mean because you are my boyfriend. I mean

5:43

we've exclusively been together for the

5:45

last you know six weeks.

5:48

I mean are you telling people I'm your girlfriend

5:50

because you should be like just I don't know

5:52

what came over me. I don't know why I

5:54

had such a sense of confidence to be like

5:56

yeah I'm your girlfriend you dumbass. He was like

5:58

absolutely absolutely you're my girlfriend. Okay Okay,

6:01

he goes well, you know, my buddy Sean said that it's

6:03

not official till it's Facebook official And

6:06

I was like, so are you asking me to be your girlfriend? And he

6:08

was like, yes Gerson another glass

6:10

of key on teeth like was just such

6:13

a nerd so nervous so cute when

6:15

I look back So we

6:17

went home to our apartment that night

6:19

and Tina Christina tea who basically set

6:21

us up We asked her how

6:23

to how to connect it on Facebook again I'm showing

6:25

my age here and we couldn't figure out we

6:27

laid in bed and we giggled and we

6:30

were drunk off red wine and the fact that we

6:32

you know got to eat at a fancy restaurant and

6:34

the Upper East Side for Only $100 and

6:36

then Christina came in super annoyed. She was

6:39

like, oh god, you guys are so fucking

6:41

annoying here Give me your computer. I'll help

6:43

you figure out how to connect it on

6:45

Facebook That's one of

6:47

my favorite little memories, but also guys

6:49

just you know, they're always they make it easy

6:51

on themselves I mean, I guess as you should

6:54

but I remember I was like, why did you ask that specific

6:56

day? And Jeff's like well, I didn't want to take you

6:58

out on Valentine's Day because I knew it'd be uber expensive

7:00

But if I did ten days earlier, I'd kill two birds

7:02

with one stone. I'm like, yeah, cuz

7:04

you know, you know You know the

7:07

people who are running restaurant week. We're not about to

7:09

have restaurant week have a prefix hundo

7:11

deal on Valentine's Day

7:13

no, no, no, no, no, no Jeff still

7:15

had to ask me to be his

7:17

girlfriend and set an intention for an anniversary While

7:20

the deal and discount was still going on when

7:24

I Favorite

7:26

memory When Jeff and I went

7:28

on our first trip, okay, you know I didn't want to talk about love

7:30

but I am gonna talk about love when Jeff and I went on one

7:33

of our first trips We went to

7:35

Miami Jeff was making good money at the

7:37

time, but he had just quit one job

7:39

I mean Jeff had this like banging

7:42

job right out of college where he was making more money

7:44

than a lot of us I was waiting tables, but I

7:46

was still making great money And again when you're 22 and

7:49

the only thing you're spending money on is

7:51

you know Coors light and a trip to

7:53

Lord and Taylor every two weeks. You're cruising

7:55

even with my New York City rent I

7:57

was doing good. So we went on

7:59

this trip Jeff took me down to Miami. We

8:01

had a, you know, it was our first

8:03

little trip away. And you always

8:05

can tell if you're with the right person, when you

8:08

travel with them, if it's easy. Yes, and

8:10

stand up to talk about how fucking annoying it is

8:12

with my husband on the road. Yes. But we really

8:14

are good travel buddies and we have a great time.

8:16

So we go down to Miami and we're staying

8:18

on South Beach. We're at the Hilton. I

8:21

think it was a Conrad. It was the

8:23

Hilton that Chloe and Courtney lived in. It's

8:25

like the Hilton Bentley, I think that was

8:27

the name of it right on South Beach

8:29

that Courtney and Chloe had their whole TV

8:32

show about. That's when Courtney got pregnant with

8:34

Scott, you know, the first baby Mason, like

8:36

that's where we were staying. Okay. It was

8:38

vibes. We're on the beach and

8:40

you know, on South Beach, you got to, I

8:42

mean, to get to the water from the hotel,

8:44

even on being on the beach, it's like a

8:46

four mile walk. We had this German woman

8:48

who was like our server,

8:51

our beach side server gal.

8:53

And we're laying on the beach. She

8:55

gets Jeff's credit card. Again, he's making plenty of money

8:57

at the time. I guess he was late on a

8:59

bill. She gets his credit card. She runs

9:01

back to the beach hut. That's at the front of the

9:03

hotel. And I just hear

9:05

her. So we ordered, I don't know,

9:08

fucking pina coladas, margaritas or something. I

9:10

hear this large German woman

9:12

screaming from four miles behind

9:14

us. Mr. Daniels,

9:16

the credit cards declined. Mr. Daniels,

9:19

your credit cards declined. She must've said, Mr.

9:21

Daniels, your credit card has declined 16 fucking

9:25

times as she ran through the sand

9:27

at a hundred miles an hour. Now

9:29

this was a six, three woman, large,

9:32

broad shoulders. We could have been related, screaming,

9:34

yelling. And you know, when you say something on

9:36

the beach, it's like, if you want to talk

9:38

shit about somebody, you don't talk shit about somebody

9:40

on the balcony of

9:43

your condo overlooking the

9:45

ocean. That noise travels. Everybody

9:47

knows that you want to talk shit about

9:49

somebody or gossip. You can't do it on

9:52

the balcony. You got to go inside. If

9:54

you're, if you say something for beach chairs

9:56

over, they're going to hear it because that

9:58

sound is just moving. downwind

10:01

with the waves of the ocean, baby. So

10:03

everybody that is sitting in their

10:06

beach chairs turns around and just

10:08

sees this giant German woman barreling

10:10

towards us and before

10:12

she gets about 10 feet away from us,

10:14

I just grab Jeff by his shoulders and

10:17

I go, Mr. Daniels, your credit

10:19

card's been declined. He was so

10:21

fucking embarrassed, so embarrassed. I think

10:23

I had to put down my debit card. He's like,

10:25

I just paid the bill. I'm like, well, it didn't

10:27

go through and I put down my debit card, which

10:30

I was like, I got $1,300 on

10:32

this debit card. Let's fucking go, dog.

10:35

And that was one of our first trips together. That

10:37

was a trip that Jeff said, I love you. We

10:39

went to Prime 112, which was like

10:41

the hot spot. We sat next to Amari Stademire,

10:44

who played on the New York Knicks at the time and

10:46

that was like a big deal that I knew who he

10:48

was. I mean, listen, I mean, when

10:50

in doubt, you know what I mean? It's not that

10:52

hard to figure out basketball players. If they're like

10:54

six, seven good-looking black guys,

10:56

you're like, he probably plays on the Knicks. I mean,

10:58

I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you that right

11:00

now. You know what I mean? Pretty easy to figure

11:02

out who's running point

11:05

guard. Yeah, the point guard, that's, I'm looking for a

11:07

basketball term there. So

11:10

my dad, I texted my dad and I was like, yeah,

11:12

Jeff's taking me at Prime 112. And my dad

11:14

was like, okay, fuck yes, son. We

11:17

were sitting, having dirty martinis. And

11:20

I asked Jeff, I said something.

11:22

I was like, yeah, so, you know, like,

11:24

this is just the best trip ever, even though your credit

11:26

card got declined all day on the beach. I'm having the

11:28

best time ever. And Jeff was kind of dragging, he's like,

11:30

you know, I love you right? I was like, I love

11:32

you too. I love you so much. I love you so

11:34

much. And I just kind of like took a sniff

11:37

at the back of his neck. And he

11:39

was like, okay, just fucking relax. But we

11:41

came home from that trip. And

11:44

Tina had warned me, she said, you'll know if it's

11:47

the right one if you go on a trip and

11:49

you want to fucking kill him at the end. So

11:51

we just devised this whole plan. I was like, we're

11:53

gonna fuck with Tina. We're gonna scare her, make her

11:55

think that, you know, two of her best friends, fucking

11:57

hate each other. It's gonna make life chaotic because we

12:00

You know, she can't hang out with old homies if

12:02

I was dating Jeff because then I'll be like,

12:04

it's not going to work out. Like Jeff and

12:06

I are unfortunately locked in for life together because

12:08

it's just going to cripple Christina's social

12:10

life too much. You know what I mean? She's

12:13

going to want to hang out with the boys,

12:15

but I'm going to feel hurt as one of

12:17

her girls. So that's what happens

12:19

when two best friends from two different sides get together.

12:21

There's always one person in the middle. And

12:25

we ran in the door and I was

12:27

like, fuck you. That was the worst trip ever. I

12:29

don't want everyone to talk to you again. Like Jeff threw

12:31

in my suitcase and I shut the door and Christina was

12:33

sitting on the couch like, what the fuck

12:36

happened? And then Jeff popped

12:38

his little head and he's like, we had a great time. We're

12:41

in love. And then she was like, okay, now I got

12:43

to deal with this the rest of my life. So really

12:45

it's not been a win-win for Christina because now she has

12:47

to deal with our fucking asses. And

12:49

you know, but it's nice that I get to bitch

12:51

with somebody about Jeff because she's known him since she

12:53

was six. But regardless, when I

12:55

was going through some of these voicemails, it's

12:57

made me very nostalgic just about, you know,

12:59

the dumb shit that you do when you

13:01

first start dating somebody. But I

13:03

will say, people always ask me, how'd you know

13:06

Jeff was the one I said, because it was

13:08

easy. If it is hard, I said, it's on

13:10

other people's podcast. Y'all, if you're in a relationship

13:12

right now and it's hard and you're always going

13:14

to be stressed out, if you think marriage is

13:16

going to make it easier, it's not. Marriage is

13:18

hard. It's hard. Period. Being in a relationship with

13:20

somebody is stressful. Period. You got to have patience.

13:24

You know, you got, you got to have patience with people.

13:26

You're there to make each other's lives better. And if you're

13:28

not doing that, then you got to come back to the

13:30

drawing board and say, what are we doing here? You

13:33

know, if you're with somebody and you're doing stuff to be

13:35

spiteful, that's not the right person. That's all I'm

13:37

going to tell you. I dated guys

13:39

before and I knew they were bad people or

13:41

I knew they weren't being faithful. And I would

13:43

do stuff to be spiteful. I'll

13:45

do stuff to piss Jeff off just because

13:47

he's annoying me, but it's never spiteful. You

13:50

know what I mean? Like it's just because I know it's

13:52

going to get him revved up, but I know it's going to make

13:54

me laugh in the end. It's never to be spiteful. Like what are

13:56

we the fuck are we doing here? So

13:59

you're driving. around and you're being obligated to go to

14:01

a Valentine's date and you don't know this guy or

14:03

gal is going to ask you to be there, you

14:05

know, are you going to DTF it, determine

14:07

the relation, DTR it, not DTF, determine the

14:10

fuck, determine the relationship and it is

14:12

stressful and the relationship is hard right

14:14

now. It's not going to get easier.

14:16

Cut the cord, cut the cord

14:18

and let the restaurant not have

14:20

to serve your assets. Okay. But

14:23

regardless, I look back at all these little things

14:25

that Jeff used to do and I'm like, Oh,

14:27

you know what I mean? Just these little funny

14:29

memories. We built our lives together. We had nothing.

14:31

We're still trying to figure out life and

14:34

it's just really funny. These old memories. So

14:36

I was listening to Lottie. All's voicemails of

14:38

absolutely not an absolute yeses for Valentine's

14:41

week. And it just brought up all these

14:43

funny memories to me. It

14:46

is no secret that said has become a dirty

14:48

word. It's too sugary, it's too syrupy, but we

14:51

don't blame you for wanting to leave that in

14:53

the past. But the era of soda is officially

14:55

over. Okay. That era of soda. I'm talking about

14:57

a new soda though. Poppy Poppy is so fricking

14:59

delicious. Also they have sent me the best

15:01

swag on the planet. I swear to God, I

15:03

love Poppy. We literally keep our fridge

15:06

stocked up. Okay. If I'm going to go

15:08

drink something, I'm going to drink Poppy. You

15:10

want to know why? Because it

15:12

is so fricking good. What

15:14

they did is they reinvented soda. All right. They have

15:17

fresh and juicy flavors like strawberry lemon, cherry lime egg,

15:19

which is my favorite orange and grape, as well as

15:21

classic soda shop flavors that we all grew up

15:23

with, including cola, doc pop, and root beer. Check

15:26

out shop Poppy on Amazon for

15:28

15% off. We code absolutely 15.

15:31

Here's the thing. This is why I love it. It

15:33

is made with clean ingredients, only five grams of sugar

15:35

or less and probiotics. Yes, there

15:37

are literally probiotics in each can. Diet Coke

15:39

could never, I put that on God. I

15:42

love Poppy. It is so fricking delicious.

15:44

They're orange. They're great. Literally tastes like

15:47

like the evil soda that we weren't allowed to drink as

15:49

kids, but we did anyways, because we were living on the

15:51

edge. That's what it tastes like. This is probiotics in it,

15:53

low sugar. I fricking love it. Listen, all

15:55

you got to do baby is

15:58

check out shop Poppy. P O

16:00

P P I on Amazon for 15% off. We

16:03

code absolutely15, that's absolutely one

16:05

five. And in retailers nationwide, you're

16:07

gonna love Poppy. I love them, I swear by

16:09

them. I cannot wait to get back to the

16:11

States and put my lips on a nice Poppy. You'll

16:14

thank me later. Get your Poppy. I

16:17

am abroad and let me tell you what,

16:19

I made a grave mistake. I forgot to pack my full

16:21

AG1 bag. I brought the to go

16:23

sizes, but I ran out. Well, what do you know?

16:25

I'm at breakfast the other morning. My husband pulls out

16:27

a full bag. I said, let me get this straight.

16:29

You've had AG1 this whole time and you didn't tell

16:31

me. He was like, yeah, yeah, I was hoarding

16:34

it. I said, how dare you? So now I am

16:36

forcing him to share his AG1 because it's the best of

16:38

the best. He knows that we

16:40

don't go anywhere without it, okay? One scoop

16:42

of AG1 and a little glass of water

16:44

every morning, stirred up, tastes delicious, tastes fresh.

16:47

It has 75 vitamins, minerals and whole food

16:49

source ingredients. Also, I put a

16:51

little dropper of the vitamin D3 plus K2,

16:53

which is essential. Listen, I may be down

16:55

under and I may be getting some sunshine,

16:57

but it's never enough. And

17:00

AG1 just makes me feel great.

17:02

It helps with probiotics, prebiotics. It's

17:04

got a bunch of whole food source ingredients to help

17:06

you feel great and also help you with immunity. Right

17:09

now, it is the only thing that I swear by.

17:11

I swear by my AG1. And there

17:13

is some supplements you should start with. If there's

17:15

one supplement you're gonna start with, it's AG1 and

17:18

that's why I partnered with them for so long.

17:20

So if you wanna take ownership of your health,

17:22

start with AG1. Try AG1 to get a free

17:24

one year supply of vitamin D3 plus K2. And

17:27

for a limited time, you'll get 10

17:30

free AG1 travel backs. Yes, that's 10

17:32

travel backs for your first purchase at

17:34

drinkag1.com slash absolutely none.

17:36

That's drinkag1.com/absolutely not. Check

17:38

it out while

17:40

this offer lasts. Again, you'll

17:43

thank me later. It's drinkag1.com/

17:45

absolutely not. I swear by it, you will do. I

17:48

did get an argument with Jeff the other

17:51

day though, because it was our, over Christmas,

17:53

it was our anniversary for when we got

17:55

legally married at the courthouse, which was just

17:57

such a chaotic and insane unhinged day that.

18:00

It will always be burned in my memory and but Jeff

18:02

says we can't he got pissed because I brought it up

18:04

I was like, do you know what today is and I

18:06

wasn't trying to corner him? I wasn't like I need a

18:08

gift. I'm not that kind of gal But

18:11

he got pissed into seminary was like you can't

18:13

you can't have 16 fucking anniversaries Heather god damn

18:15

it I thought we said that June 24th when

18:18

we got married Italy is our anniversary I was

18:20

like, but it's technically we can have

18:22

a couple Jeff and he's like you can't just pick and

18:24

choose I'm like, I didn't pick and choose these are the

18:26

fucking days that we had memorable things happen You're just feeling

18:28

like I'm trying to make you feel guilty. I'm not trying

18:30

to make you feel guilty Anyways, long

18:33

story short. I like to celebrate

18:35

all the memories I celebrate the

18:37

day that Jeff sliced his finger in

18:40

our kitchen and there was blood everywhere because he

18:42

was trying to impress my other Three roommates

18:44

by making us lamb ragu None of us

18:47

wanted to eat lamb ragu But

18:49

Jeff wanted to flex his muscles in front

18:51

of the roommate and get all the girlies

18:53

on his side and he he

18:55

Literally so cute though. He went

18:57

grocery shopping in the pouring rain in Manhattan. It was

18:59

a Sunday night we had a tiny kitchen that was

19:01

no bigger than this fucking laptop and He

19:04

decided he had ripped out out of

19:06

a GQ magazine this number one like

19:08

lamb bolognese sauce and

19:11

he made it in our kitchen and he was cutting an

19:13

onion and he sliced her his finger and he

19:15

Like in shock lifted his finger

19:17

up and it splattered blood all the way

19:19

across our white ceiling and when we moved

19:21

out there was still blood everywhere and I

19:25

bandaged Jeff's finger up and he continued to

19:27

cook the lamb ragu There was so much

19:29

blood and so much of his DNA in

19:31

that ragu none of us fucking ate a

19:33

bite He felt so cool

19:35

to impress my girlfriends

19:37

because he was trying to get brownie points And

19:39

nowadays the only person that Jeff tries to

19:42

impress is my

19:44

girlfriend Olivia Shout

19:46

out to Olivia Who

19:49

Jeff will absolutely have as a second wife

19:51

and I'm not upset about it Olivia is

19:53

a great golfer and Jeff and her play

19:56

golf together and I always say like Olivia

19:58

Can you you know? I don't even You can't

20:00

have sex with him if you want to. Great, go for it.

20:03

She has told me repeatedly, she does not want to

20:05

have sex with him. But I said,

20:07

Olivia, like you're the only other woman, if God

20:09

forbid something happens to me, Jeff

20:11

can live with Olivia. I'm just gonna go ahead and I'm gonna

20:13

say it now, they can hit by us tomorrow, Jeff

20:16

and Liz can do their thing. And I

20:18

have told him specifically, okay, I need

20:20

to put this in some sort of legal document. Here's

20:23

the thing, I know, God forbid,

20:25

knock on wood. You

20:27

know what I mean? I'm gonna have chicken dinner tomorrow. I

20:30

know. Jeff has laid in bed the

20:32

other night and doubled down. He's like, Heather, I

20:34

gotta be honest with you. If something happens to

20:36

me, babe, it's gonna be really hard for you

20:38

to find a date because you're a very niche

20:40

type of men. You know what I mean? A

20:42

lot of guys don't really find female comedians attractive,

20:44

even though I think you're an absolute babe. He's

20:46

like, you know, it's gonna be hard to replace

20:48

me. I said, for sure. He said,

20:50

but then if you pass, I'm gonna have all

20:53

of these female fans of yours who are just

20:55

mourning and want, you know, and they're gonna be

20:57

worried about me. And

20:59

so therefore they're gonna come to my aid

21:01

and be right, you know, a shoulder to cry

21:04

on, a shoulder to lean on, maybe a bosom

21:06

to rest my head at night. So I just

21:08

want you to know, you're really gonna have to

21:10

let me know now your intentions and your boundaries

21:12

with your fans, because I'm probably gonna be getting laid

21:14

left and right. And I said, you motherfucker.

21:18

And he was laughing so hard at this. I said, this is what

21:20

you're allowed to do. You get, you have

21:22

to mourn me at least a year, one

21:25

year. And I'm talking in the streets, wearing

21:28

all black, on the golf course, sobbing

21:30

next to the lake, looking up to

21:32

the sky, just going, why? You

21:34

know what I mean? I need steel magnolias. I

21:36

need that scene at the funeral

21:39

in the cemetery, you know, where Sally

21:41

Field is just screaming. Is it at

21:43

Shirley Maclean? I think it's at

21:45

Shirley Maclean. I think so. It's

21:48

just a scene where they're screaming, right?

21:50

Because Julia Roberts' character has died. Like

21:52

Shelby died. I need that scene. I need Jeff

21:55

to reenact that scene at the country club every

21:57

fucking weekend. And then after one year, you're allowed

21:59

to sleep. with three hands, okay? And

22:01

that's it. And I have to

22:04

pre-pick them. So if you've ever

22:06

wanted to sleep with Jeff, go ahead call

22:08

my attorney because I'll put you on the short list.

22:11

Anyways, that's what romance is all about,

22:13

right? All romance is about is

22:15

eventually being with somebody whose credit card got

22:17

declined on Miami Beach on your first getaway.

22:20

And then later on, 13 years later, laying in

22:22

bed and looking at that person and saying, you

22:24

have to wait one year to sleep with a

22:26

woman of my choosing. So I just want y'all

22:29

to know that is, that's

22:31

full circle for me. But anyways, enough

22:33

about my shit. I never really tell

22:36

you guys the old stories about good old

22:38

Jeffrey and I, but anyways, we're gonna get

22:40

to the voicemails. I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just kind of like,

22:42

I don't know, going down memory lane.

22:45

Let's get to the voicemail. These are

22:47

absolutely not, absolutely yeses of, you

22:50

know, of V day, whatever's

22:52

pissing you off. Whatever's bringing

22:54

you joy. I figure let's bring

22:56

in the love or fucking reject it

22:58

all. Here we go. Oh my gosh,

23:01

Heather, I have the best. Absolutely not. Wait,

23:04

let me take my retainer off for Valentine's

23:06

day. Yeah. A

23:09

couple years now, six, seven years

23:12

ago, I had two ex-boyfriends get

23:14

engaged on Valentine's day in, no,

23:18

at Mount Rushmore. They didn't know

23:20

each other. They were from completely

23:22

different towns, different states. And I

23:24

saw on Facebook that they both

23:27

got engaged on February 14th at

23:29

Mount Rushmore. Really

23:31

weird. Um, I don't know what

23:33

that says about me and my day and habits,

23:36

but my mom told me to stop dating Republicans.

23:38

I don't know if that's

23:40

engaged at Mount Rushmore men. That's

23:43

a dumb idea. And

23:45

I don't think they're happy to this day. So

23:48

there's your tip, men. Okay.

23:50

That is a fantastic tip.

23:53

Listen, I know there's a lot of single guys

23:55

who listen to this podcast because you're trying to

23:57

have something to talk to the girlies about, but

24:00

do not propose that. to a woman or ask

24:02

her to be your girlfriend or you know do

24:04

anything at Mount Rushmore. Isn't Mount Rushmore in like

24:06

South Dakota? Yeah, Rapid City, South Dakota. What

24:09

the fuck would ever compel somebody to

24:11

propose at Mount Rushmore? I do

24:14

definitely think it's right leaning. You know what

24:17

I mean? That is definitely a Republican kind

24:19

of move. Also, who is on the face?

24:21

Mount Rushmore Face President. I don't even know

24:23

who's on the face. It

24:25

is George Washington,

24:28

John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James

24:31

Madison and James Monroe. There's

24:33

five. Okay, what

24:36

about those five people make shohorny? What

24:39

about it? What about that says

24:41

look at our founding fathers? Because I

24:43

don't know if you know this but they were all

24:45

at each other's throats. Have you not seen Hamilton? He

24:47

was not a part of it

24:49

was he? He was not a part of it but

24:51

either way Madison and Jefferson were

24:54

a part of Hamilton weren't they? I

24:56

think so. They were in the Hamiltons

24:58

regardless. George Washington was in the Hamiltons.

25:00

Why? What about that?

25:03

What about that says oh

25:06

yeah let's spend our lives together. I don't

25:08

know if you know this but

25:12

they were all dueling out

25:16

there in the swamp about

25:18

every other Tuesday. I mean

25:22

that's very niche to have two

25:24

exes propose at Mount Rushmore and

25:26

also I don't think it from South

25:28

Dakota and I'm going

25:30

to throw this out there and there's no hey

25:32

no shade to South Dakota but I think any

25:34

gala in South Dakota is just craving like

25:37

a Sarasota, Florida engagement. They're

25:39

craving anywhere but South Dakota.

25:41

You know they're like oh

25:44

maybe he'll take me somewhere warm on

25:46

Valentine's Day. I mean it's South Dakota.

25:48

What's the temperature right now? Let's do

25:50

South Dakota weather. Right

25:52

now in Sioux Falls it's

25:55

like 30 degrees. Come

25:58

on guys do better. These

26:01

ladies want to be in Key Largo, Montego,

26:04

Baby Why Don't We Go Anywhere

26:06

Else But Fucking Mount Rushmore. You

26:11

know I had when I got engaged, I told

26:13

Jeff two things. I said whatever

26:15

you do, do not do some sort

26:17

of like, and listen, I'm a

26:19

lady who loves the cameras on me but I was like don't

26:21

do like a baseball game. Alright, if

26:23

you do something sports related, I'll fucking kill you.

26:27

Don't do, you know, don't

26:29

do it just the, okay

26:32

here's the thing, these are my parameters.

26:34

I didn't want to be on the jumbotron in a

26:37

sports arena but I would, but

26:39

I also did not want to just be alone

26:41

in like my living room with Jeff, okay. I would

26:43

have been like, ugh, this is it. So

26:46

I still wanted cameras there, like I needed to

26:48

feel like, you know, the lights were hitting me

26:50

just right but it could have been like a

26:52

Cardi B concert. Oh

26:54

my god. You know, people

26:57

want to say that they don't have types.

26:59

You clearly have a type. A Republican man

27:01

who thinks that Mount Rushmore is romantic.

27:06

If any of these other girls who got engaged, if

27:08

you've ever been engaged at Mount Rushmore, please call into

27:10

the podcast. I would love to know second

27:12

by second, minute by minute details

27:15

about the romance that was laid out for you at

27:18

the dam, Mount Rushmore. Unbelievable.

27:21

Unbelievable. Jeff and

27:24

I got engaged at the Waimarra pool

27:26

in Turks and Caicos and

27:29

I knew what was happening that weekend. Like,

27:31

yes, most girls, there's just like an energy

27:33

shift. Like, you know it's coming. But

27:36

I had also been with Jeff about eight, 10 years

27:38

and I threatened him the weekend before and I knew

27:40

he was working really hard to get the money for

27:42

the ring I wanted. He did a great job. And

27:45

I told him, I said, if you don't propose to me on this

27:47

weekend, yes, because it was it our 10 year

27:50

anniversary or our eight year anniversary? I

27:52

said, if you don't propose to me this weekend, you will

27:54

not be coming back to the United States. I

27:57

will sit in a Turks and Caicos jail happily.

28:00

And when the judge says, why are you

28:02

here? I'll go. He waited eight

28:04

years and one day too long. And I

28:06

had a feeling. I had a weird feeling that something

28:08

was happening. So I actually, Jeff thinks that

28:11

my mom told me what was about to happen, but

28:13

really they totally threw me off. I said, mom, I

28:15

know Jeff's proposing. I lied to her. I said, I

28:17

found the ring. She's like, he's not doing it. You

28:19

don't know what he's doing it. And

28:21

I was like, mom, I know what's happening. I hadn't found

28:23

the ring. I was just, my mom is so easy to

28:25

twist and turn. I said, I know he's doing

28:29

it this weekend. She's like, he's not, you know what happened? You're

28:31

such a bitch. You can't ever just enjoy a surprise. You're such

28:33

a bitch. That's what you were saying to me. And

28:37

I said, well, just tell me what day she's like, well, it's

28:39

not happening till Sunday. So relax, it's not happening till Sunday. So

28:42

I texted my sister then, because I was like, I know my

28:44

mom's throwing me off. And I said, Ashley,

28:46

mom just told me I'm getting engaged Sunday

28:48

and Ash, mom and Ashley are freaking the

28:50

fuck out going back and forth. And

28:52

Ashley's like, no, it's not happening Sunday. I don't think

28:54

it's even happening till Monday. You know, mom's confused. She

28:57

doesn't know what day it is. And then it happened.

28:59

So then it happened like 24 hours later on

29:02

a Friday. Because Jeff knows what's my favorite day of

29:04

the week for Friday. And

29:06

we're in the pool. It's five o'clock.

29:09

It's like this sun was just about to

29:11

start setting. And being

29:14

in the pool at this particular place

29:16

in the Turks and Caicos, it,

29:18

one of my favorite photos is of my whole family

29:20

and my dad's in the pool. And we would just

29:22

soak in that pool. We would start at the beach

29:24

and then work our way up to watch the beautiful

29:26

sunset from this infinity pool. And we would get drunk.

29:29

And then we would, you know, Jeff would smoke a cigar with

29:31

my dad and then we'd go up to the room, change and

29:33

go to a fabulous dinner. So Jeff knew that this like one

29:35

place was very particular to me. It was very

29:37

close to home. I just love one of my

29:40

favorite family photos is all of us in this

29:42

pool. So all

29:44

of a sudden, it's like 5 30. I'm having

29:46

a margarita and I felt an energy shift. And

29:48

then I noticed one of our favorite cabana boys was

29:50

telling everybody to get out of the pool. They

29:53

were slowly, it was all of a sudden, everyone was

29:55

just kind of migrating back towards their little cabanas. And

29:58

it all happened in slow motion. turn around

30:00

and there's this giant float with

30:03

flowers on it, with my initials. Jeff

30:05

had shipped all the materials down to the

30:07

Turks and Caicos and while I was going

30:09

and getting a massage one day, he put

30:11

the thing together. And as this

30:13

giant float is floating towards me, it had my

30:15

initials HM in it. There was a box

30:17

in the middle and I'm in the pool and then out

30:19

of the corner of my right eye, I see the photographer,

30:22

snappin' photos. We never got any of the photos

30:24

printed. That is our one thing. We still haven't

30:26

even gotten our wedding photos printed. Shout out to

30:28

Brooke Johnson. I'm gonna email you this afternoon because

30:30

I need to get some of those. And I

30:33

just see this float coming towards me and Jeff,

30:35

the float stops in front of me and

30:37

I'm like, it's happening. And I, all

30:40

I remember is, right? Like my tits are sitting at

30:42

the top of the water, just like two buoys

30:44

just hanging out there. And Jeff

30:46

pulls out a ring out of the water,

30:48

right? He pulls it out of the water

30:51

and he cracks it open. And I'm

30:53

like, that was in your fucking swim

30:55

trunks. I could, I thought

30:57

the box in the middle was

30:59

going to have the ring in it. It

31:01

had a flower. It had a magnolia flower,

31:03

which is just like a, one of my

31:05

favorite flowers had a magnolia in it. Jeff

31:07

said something sweet about something my dad said

31:10

to him. And he was like, you're gonna

31:12

be dating my daughter. This is what's important.

31:14

Yeti, yeti, yah. I blacked out. When, as

31:16

soon as he opened that box and I

31:18

saw the pool water from the Waimarra resort

31:20

falling over my gorgeous ring, I screamed, I'm

31:22

a falcon's wife. Cause all I told Jeff,

31:25

I was like, Jeff, I waited eight years.

31:27

If you don't give me some sort of

31:29

NFL ring where people wonder when I'm, you

31:31

know, when I walk around and they're like,

31:34

does her husband play in the NFL? That's all

31:36

I wanted. And I screamed. I'm an

31:38

NFL wife. Everybody on the

31:41

pool deck cheered. Everybody came out. All of our

31:43

friends who are also like co-owners of the resort

31:45

came out. Everyone's, they're snapping photos. And I pushed

31:47

Jeff out of the way and I stood there

31:49

at the edge of the infinity pool. And I

31:51

did my own photo shoot. It was about me

31:53

now. Okay, great. He had his moment. He built

31:56

his float. He bought the ring. Yeti, yeti, yah. I

31:58

think I got one photo with him. I said

32:00

it's about me now bitch and I love

32:02

that he made sure I was in my favorite blue bathing

32:04

suit I didn't have a stitch makeup on and that's

32:06

how I got engaged So did I want it was I

32:08

on a jumbotron at a Braves game? I was not but

32:11

was I still you know was the

32:13

lens hitting me? You know what

32:15

did I already have like three? I was three days into like

32:18

a little bit of a sunburn so I had some rouge on

32:20

my cheeks He knew exactly what he was doing but

32:22

God and sorry I again really making

32:24

this about me I say all

32:26

that to say if you're a guy

32:28

out there, and you're thinking about proposing out Mount

32:30

Rushmore. Don't fucking do it Fucking

32:33

out of control When

32:36

it comes to luxury staples where do I shop

32:38

I shop at Quince I bought

32:40

their linen dresses two summers ago, and I have

32:42

them in my closet They have kept

32:44

up their immaculate and people stop me all the time

32:46

and they say where's that from and I say Quince And they're

32:48

like are you kidding me? I'm like no. I'm not kidding you I keep

32:50

it 100 my mom is obsessed

32:53

with their cashmere They have like 100%

32:56

Mongolian cashmere sweaters for only $50 Organic

32:59

cotton sweaters washable silk tops and timeless 14

33:01

karat gold jewelry the best part all of

33:03

Quince items are priced 50 to 80 percent

33:06

less than similar brands by partnering directly with

33:09

top factories Quince cuts out the cost of

33:11

the middleman and passes the savings on to

33:13

Us and Quince only works

33:15

with factories that use safe ethical

33:17

and responsible manufacturing practices with premium

33:19

fabrics and finishes Which I frickin

33:21

love Indulge an affordable luxury go

33:24

to quince.com such absolutely for free shipping on

33:26

your order and 365-day

33:28

returns that's quince.com such absolutely to

33:31

get free shipping and 365-day

33:34

returns again, that's quince.com such absolutely You

33:36

will absolutely thank me later because quince

33:38

is the frickin best try their linen

33:40

this summer You can also buy like

33:43

sheets you can buy travel accessories anything

33:45

that you can imagine they have also

33:47

buy their cashmere There's nothing better than

33:49

a hundred percent Mongolian real

33:52

Cashmere for $50 you know

33:54

what always looks chic and classic a cashmere sweater You

33:56

know it always looks good washable silk get some of

33:58

their silk tops some of their silk dresses, throw

34:00

them in your bag, you have a full wardrobe

34:03

for a third of the price of what it costs to shop elsewhere.

34:05

I love Quince, you will too. You're welcome. I

34:08

was just interviewed by a big publication that will come

34:10

out soon and they were like, what is one staple

34:12

that you absolutely have? Like in your your bag? And

34:15

I said Lumi deodorant you want to know why because

34:17

it's the friggin best. I love

34:19

Lumi because it's a game changing whole body

34:21

deodorant designed by an OBGYN to not only

34:23

work on pits, but also feet, privates and

34:25

everywhere else we get odor. No matter where you

34:27

use it, Lumi is clinically proven to knock

34:29

odor out all day long thanks to a one

34:32

of a kind pH optimized formula and they've

34:34

got over 275,000 five

34:36

star reviews to show for it. I

34:38

keep Lumi in my bag that I take on an

34:40

airplane because you know how like when you're traveling one

34:42

minute you're absolutely freezing the next minute you're hot and

34:44

you just like when you're traveling abroad when you're just

34:46

traveling, I mean, frickin in the States, doesn't matter if

34:49

you're flying your ass to Florida, you want to have

34:51

a little Lumi with you. It just spruce up one

34:53

little bit in the morning and you feel fresh all day

34:55

and that's the biggest deal. But I always keep it by

34:57

me. I wear it when I perform so after a show

34:59

I still smell nice. I love Lumi

35:02

as a special offer for listeners new customers

35:04

can get 15% off all

35:06

Lumi products for their exclusive code. So

35:08

that means over 40% off the starter pack to

35:11

use code absolutely 15 for 15%

35:13

off your purchase at Lumi deodorant comm

35:15

that's L U M E D O

35:17

de rint comm I love Lumi

35:19

and listen that you're probably like how does it

35:21

block odor all day? Well, unlike certain deodorants that

35:23

try to mask odor with fragrance, Lumi

35:26

is formulated and powered by mandelic acid

35:28

to stop odor before it starts more like a

35:30

pre deodorant. I frickin love Lumi I know you

35:32

will too. It is fantastic. It is the best

35:34

of the best. And I always keep it in

35:36

my bag. So shout out to Lumi and check

35:39

them out at Lumi deodorant comm

35:41

you're welcome. Hi

35:43

Heather, this is Madison from

35:45

Parkville, Kentucky, and I'm actually calling with

35:48

a Valentine's Day. Absolutely. Yes, that involved

35:50

one of your shows in Lexington, Kentucky.

35:53

So back in 2021, my husband and I

35:55

have been trying for our second baby. And

35:58

we tried for like six or seven months and that's a was

36:00

working. Then going into

36:02

January 2022, we had tickets to

36:04

see your show in Lexington, Kentucky.

36:07

And it turns out I've been tracking my

36:09

ovulation and the day of your show in

36:11

Lexington, I was ovulating. So we check into

36:14

our hotel room, we do what needs to

36:16

be done. And then we spend the rest

36:19

of the evening at your show in Lexington,

36:22

laughing our asses off and had a great night.

36:24

Yeah. So anyways, fast forward

36:26

two weeks, I find out that I'm

36:28

pregnant. And my first ultrasound appointment is

36:30

scheduled for Valentine's Day. So Valentine's Day

36:32

2022, I go in for my first

36:36

ultrasound and I'm, you know, nervous.

36:38

I just want to hear a heartbeat. I want

36:40

a healthy baby, you know, all the things. Suddenly,

36:43

and they're getting the ultrasound done. And

36:45

the ultrasound text, she stops what she's

36:47

doing. And she looks at the monitor.

36:50

And then she looks back at me, and

36:52

she just pauses. And so I'm thinking the

36:54

worst, like, I've lost the baby, you know,

36:56

I'm just so upset. And

36:59

then she looks back at me and she says, well,

37:01

what do you think about twins? Oh,

37:04

Valentine's Day 2022. I found out

37:06

that I'm having twin babies that

37:08

I conceived the night of your

37:10

show in Lexington, Kentucky. So

37:13

do you are a

37:15

little fertility godmother, I guess. But now

37:17

I have 16 month

37:19

old twin boys. So happy

37:21

Valentine's Day, Heather. Love and light. Thanks.

37:24

Let's go doggy. That's

37:26

what I like to hear. Can't fix my own

37:29

fertility. But damn it, if you don't come to

37:31

a show and get knocked up, then I ain't

37:33

doing it right. Wait, this is so, oh,

37:36

what an absolute yes. Also,

37:38

I love it. See, guys, this is also

37:40

the thing. For Valentine's Day,

37:42

you know what all women want? They

37:44

just want to feel like you want

37:47

to do something that they want to

37:49

do. They don't need all the gifts. Okay,

37:51

and I hate to speak for everybody. Get them

37:53

tickets to my show. It will show

37:55

them that you want to do something that they want

37:57

to do. To me, that is one Things

38:00

girls will go to football games like I'll

38:02

go to hockey games with Jeff I enjoy

38:04

hockey now, but when I didn't originally I

38:07

would go and I would just

38:09

say yeah This is fantastic now They're super fun

38:11

to me because I know what the fuck's going

38:13

on But it always made Jeff feel good because

38:15

he I wasn't sitting around bitching complaining Buy

38:17

tickets to my show take your lady and you

38:19

will get laid so hard you want to know

38:22

why because it's minimal effort They're gonna go Wow

38:24

He's going out of his comfort zone to do

38:27

something that I want to do which then in

38:29

return makes me feel Important and special and

38:31

that he's willing to do things for me.

38:33

That is great So first of all right

38:35

out the gate that your husband knew exactly

38:37

what was good. Also. I love it You

38:39

know what I mean? I I think that

38:41

I have I'm giving off solid joyful energy

38:44

and that's why you got pregnant with two That's

38:46

a beautiful thing Oh, I love that

38:49

and the amount of people that will message me after a

38:51

show or before a show You know we got away for

38:53

the weekend or we got away from the kids I

38:56

mean obviously a lot of girls do a girl trip

38:58

to my show But when

39:00

there's couples that come I'll always get DMS.

39:02

I love getting DMS from the guys Yo

39:04

had a great time last night. Laughs my

39:06

ass off also had sex 16 times

39:09

with my girlfriend I'm like that's what's

39:11

up Tyler. That's what's up. You're welcome

39:14

You know what I mean and these guys were like my

39:16

wife dragged me to your show But I ended

39:18

up having a good time and I got my

39:20

dick sucked I'm like that's what I was telling

39:22

you Connor. That's what I was saying That's

39:26

a beautiful thing. Oh my god. I love

39:28

it. Hmm. I freaking

39:30

love it You know that just

39:32

makes me happy Listen all I want

39:34

to do is make people happy okay. I could be

39:36

dead inside. I could be absolutely rock-bottom Zero

39:39

energy nothing left to give have cried my

39:41

eyes out in my Audi But if once

39:43

I hit that stage I'm bringing happiness and

39:45

joy and we're giggling and then all the

39:47

rest of the shit goes away Life

39:50

is too short to be upset move

39:52

on and get pregnant That's

39:54

great. Oh, I love that see when y'all share stuff

39:56

with me. That just makes me so happy So

39:59

happy Happy. What a beautiful thing. What

40:03

a beautiful thing. Let's get to the next voicemail. Hello,

40:05

Heather. Jodi from Cleveland, long

40:07

time listener, first time caller, long time

40:10

showgoer, yada, yada, yada. Yeah, girl.

40:12

Absolutely not to high school dating. When

40:16

I was in high school, like a junior,

40:18

I think I brought my boyfriend

40:21

who I lost my virginity

40:23

to, to this Valentine's Day

40:25

dance. He decided

40:27

to leave in the middle of it to

40:29

go with all these cool guys, to cool

40:31

party games. I didn't go.

40:34

It was a big pussy, whatever. I

40:37

get to call it 2am. I

40:39

don't answer. I get a voicemail and

40:42

all I hear in the voicemail is, oh,

40:46

oh, oh shit. And it hangs up. His

40:49

fan boy butt dialed me in

40:52

the middle of having sex with another girl.

40:55

I screamed my head off. My

40:57

mom thought, like King Master's thought

41:00

I witnessed a murder, but like

41:02

she basically excited about the murder

41:04

this night. So absolutely

41:06

not to just those

41:09

trying times and absolutely not to those

41:11

old like first touch phones,

41:13

phones that people had that were

41:15

so easily butt dialed, like pocket

41:18

dialed or whatever. I'm

41:20

the fool. I stayed with him for a little bit,

41:22

but as a 15 year old does, you don't know

41:24

any better. But I don't know.

41:27

It makes me laugh so hard and I'm

41:29

like having an absolute phobia of

41:31

butt dialing to this day. Not

41:34

that I would do anything that nefarious, but you know. Anyway,

41:36

love and like. Come back to Cleveland. I

41:39

know you probably won't for a while, but love

41:41

to have you. Listen,

41:44

honey. Love you. Love Cleveland. Shout

41:46

out to the good people of Ohio. First of all, if you had

41:48

an OKEA, I mean, if you had a flip phone, you were kind

41:50

of safe. Like I had a razor. I remember it was hard

41:52

to butt dial when I had a razor because that thing

41:55

kind of closed like a little clamshell. But

41:57

man, if you had the original Nokia that had snake

41:59

on. it, forget it. You were butt

42:01

dialing your fucking principal. You called 911

42:03

every 13 minutes.

42:06

It was what it was. My

42:08

mom pretty recently, we were in

42:10

CVS and she just kept yelling across CVS,

42:12

have I keep getting a booty call? A

42:14

booty call. I'm like, mom, it's a butt

42:16

dial. A booty call and a butt dial.

42:18

Two very different things. Oh

42:21

God. High school love. First

42:23

of all, and I know I've said this before,

42:25

okay, I apologize. I've only had like 600

42:28

episodes of this podcast. Remember in like,

42:30

we did this thing in junior high

42:32

when you could send a carnation or

42:34

it was in high school, you could

42:36

send a carnation to somebody's class around

42:38

Valentine's. And let me tell you, there

42:40

was always one girl, you know what

42:43

I mean? Who had 400 carnations

42:45

from dudes who were just puppy

42:47

dog and her. And of course I'd

42:49

send carnations to my girlfriends. I,

42:51

and I would always get one carnation from

42:53

like, you know, the foreign exchange

42:56

student who I was super kind to, cause

42:58

I'm a nice person and I

43:00

wanted to learn more about Korea, you know,

43:02

so he would always send me nice carnations.

43:06

But I was like, listen, I don't know how

43:08

to tell you, you know, you're half my size. I

43:10

don't think it's going to work out romantically, but yes,

43:12

I thank you for that beautiful flower arrangement. But I

43:15

would always send carnations to my friends because I never

43:17

wanted them because it was always that one bitch named

43:20

Lauren who was just, you

43:23

know, she developed early, she

43:25

had juicy titties, good for her. And the

43:27

rest of us were just raw dog in it

43:29

and our little bralettes. Now, if I try to

43:31

put a bralette on these days, it wouldn't even

43:34

cover her back fat, one back fat, and I

43:36

have multiple back fats, but dating

43:38

in high school, it's just so

43:40

volatile, right? So volatile.

43:42

These guys, they would have 16 girls

43:44

lined up and actually is exactly what it's

43:47

like to date nowadays. But back

43:49

in the days, you get away with it. Here's the thing.

43:51

Yes, this online dating is insane because

43:54

guys can have an online profile. They can even catfish,

43:56

they cannot be who they say they are and they

43:58

can at strengths 25. women

44:00

along but eventually you will get found

44:02

out because there's only so much you

44:05

can do while leaving a I guess

44:07

an online footprint if you will right

44:09

like there's only so much you

44:11

can get away with until a woman's gonna DM

44:13

another woman or see something on tik-tok or

44:16

you're gonna get exposed so yes the

44:18

truth eventually comes out when these guys

44:20

are stringing a bunch of women along

44:22

but back in high school dude it

44:24

took one butt dial on the Nokia

44:26

to know that you were getting a hand

44:28

job outside of the regal cinemas in

44:30

front of the Cold Stone Creamery you

44:32

couldn't get away with much all

44:35

right one but that one

44:37

but that now you got away with it

44:39

for longer I will say

44:41

that but then all it took was

44:43

that one but dial outside of a

44:45

Cold Stone Creamery and you got got nowadays

44:49

these guys they're able to you

44:51

know what I mean have a bunch of different personas

44:53

a bunch of different things going on and then when

44:55

they get got its public you know

44:57

I mean back in the day when you got got

44:59

it was just like six year girlfriends when toilet paper

45:02

in his house and I tell you

45:04

this right now if you get cut if somebody's

45:06

cheating on you I will also still in the

45:08

year 2024 go into a little paper someone's house

45:11

probably one of the highlights of my life there's

45:13

no better rush than in high school when

45:15

you would wear all black you get your

45:18

outfit from Express you'd wear all black you're

45:20

crazy and you get you like borrow somebody's

45:22

mom suburban and you would drive around in

45:24

toilet paper people's houses and you were like fuck you

45:26

Terry fuck you I didn't know a single guy named

45:28

Terry in my high school but you know what I'm

45:31

saying I'm

45:33

traveling right now as you know and

45:35

there's nothing better than having a good

45:38

shave kit with me and that's why

45:40

I love the Athena razor it

45:42

is the best first of all the Athena

45:44

Club razor kit is an absolute steal just

45:46

ten dollars but don't let the price fool

45:48

you this razor packs a serious punch he

45:51

comes with a beautifully made ergonomic candle with

45:53

two super sharp razor heads that deliver an

45:55

incredibly smooth shave every time also get a

45:57

game-changing magnetic hook in the razor kit for

46:00

easy storage. That means no sitting on your razor on

46:02

the edge of your tub, no more googly blades, no

46:04

more razor falling down your shower floor in the middle

46:06

of the night. That's the worst when you don't store

46:08

properly and then it crashes and then you think there's

46:10

somebody in your house. Also, don't

46:13

forget the quality of the shave. Athena

46:15

Club razors glide effortlessly thanks to these

46:17

five precision engineered blades. These blades are

46:19

perfectly spaced out to let hair pass

46:21

through with each stroke and you'll experience

46:23

less irritation, which is always a win in my

46:25

book. I really love them. I

46:28

love the Athena Razor Club. I also love the

46:30

shaving cream that they send with it. It is

46:32

top notch. It is the best of the best.

46:34

Listen, if you're ready to upgrade your

46:36

shaving experience, switch to the best razor

46:39

on the market and show your skin

46:41

the care that it deserves with the

46:43

Athena Club. Head over to athena, A-T-H-E-N-A,

46:45

club.com to try their award-winning razor and

46:47

body products. They get 20% off your

46:49

purchase with code absolutely at checkout. You

46:51

can also find Athena Club razors at

46:53

your local Target stores. Trust me, you

46:55

won't look back. Happy shaving. I'm so

46:57

glad that I packed my Athena razor with

46:59

me so that I would have it on the road.

47:01

You are gonna love them. Again, check it out at

47:04

Target and online. I

47:06

don't know where you are in your life on your

47:08

finished journey, but if you ever felt like you're too

47:10

intimidated to even start something or you're like, how do

47:12

I restart? Like I was really in shape

47:15

for a minute and now I've let myself go and I'm upset

47:17

about it just because I feel like I lost all my muscle

47:19

mass. And I'm like, how do I get back into it without

47:21

beating myself up? Well, you know what I love? I love Peloton.

47:23

Peloton's a great way to start. Peloton helps

47:25

you start no matter what level you're at,

47:27

whether you're starting, there's thousands of classes to

47:29

get you moving. Whether that's a beginner or

47:32

advanced rides, feel good DJ rides, or even

47:34

themed anthem rides. They've got something

47:36

for you. What I love is a

47:38

Peloton bike. I got one during the

47:40

pandemic. Then I started, I like, you

47:42

know, I let it get dusty for a second.

47:44

Well, I started back on my Peloton and I forgot

47:46

how much fricking fun it is. I also love the

47:49

yoga classes, all the weightlifting classes, all the different classes

47:51

that they have All from the comfort

47:53

of your own home. Peloton Bike instructors keep you

47:55

motivated from day one. Shout Out to my boy!

47:57

Cody Rigsby. They'll show you the basics, help you.

48:00

Take the guesswork out of your workout

48:02

and encourage you to build from there.

48:04

Spots on entertainment keeps you moving. What's

48:06

your favorite? Tv shows and live sports

48:08

as rights? Perfect for those days we

48:10

don't want to miss a thing. Wherever

48:12

you're starting, Get moving with held on

48:14

bike or by Plus rental at that.

48:16

He's every Debbie.one peloton.com/bikes as rentals terms

48:18

applies again as one Peloton dot Com/bikes

48:20

Us rentals. So the end of the

48:22

day remembered him at a ruse starting

48:24

from hell upon thought you and again

48:26

some member go on there ought to

48:28

do and arms and abs video. I'll just

48:30

go. Did he yelled i'll do a cool down Whatever

48:33

it is they have an all their a one stop

48:35

shop a lapel it's on. I'm so grateful for them

48:37

and you will be deal. Now back to the podcast.

48:40

Dating in high school is broken heart. All

48:42

t y to the winter. The same school from. Kindergarten through

48:45

twelfth grade. So. I wasn't dating any of the

48:47

guys in my high school. None of the girls

48:49

were because we'd already dated them. Like you know

48:51

from your fourth grade boyfriend, your six creep wave,

48:53

read your eighth grade, then you get a junior

48:55

year in you're like a thoughts and then they

48:57

were all like two feet tall. So after in

48:59

a once we are all the girls had freshman

49:01

year. we were all. Five. Ten and

49:03

above and these guys had pizza. It was

49:05

like they'll step. it's I. six. Another thing

49:07

with all of a shortcut. we love issue

49:10

working but at the time to sort of

49:12

guys didn't understand what being short king was

49:14

so there wasn't that kind of sexy sorkin

49:16

energy. It was napoleon complex. We both know

49:18

this, but man oh dude I would you

49:21

little high school Thirty did. He.

49:23

Go to high school party dishonest out. And

49:26

you're like I'm going to the party's his own

49:28

to see Justin Unity mean and then as he

49:30

just sending I'm a new Alpha from Abercrombie and

49:32

Fitch. Fuckin slay yes bitch and you would show

49:34

up to the party and there be another girl

49:36

like sitting on his lap and you they they

49:38

what does. But just in. What?

49:41

Outside outside and then your girls would like

49:43

tag team buner to me and as I

49:45

am an avid a fucking fight this girl.

49:48

And then you'd be outside with the other girl

49:50

and she they do i need out which as

49:52

and have halitosis like of guy these guys are

49:54

gross We all come together the and we always

49:57

did. But. There were a all these guys

49:59

you'd always lot. into a party and they're like

50:01

taking shots with another girl and you're like you

50:03

only take shots with me Justin but

50:05

you don't tell anybody about it because you've

50:07

never told anybody I'm your girlfriend I

50:10

definitely think I probably had a boyfriend at

50:13

one point like eighth grade and nobody knew

50:15

I was his boyfriend and then it also

50:17

happened in college I

50:19

don't know were people ashamed that I was their girlfriend

50:22

maybe because I was loud never forget that

50:24

still bitter about that comment Heather was

50:26

loud was I loud or did I just have

50:29

something poignant to say we

50:31

went to a high school party once shout out to my boy

50:34

Dave I'm not gonna say his last name

50:36

because I don't know his wife might be

50:38

listening and two guys got in a fight but a hole

50:40

in his wall and I

50:42

remember I was being a slut I was wearing

50:44

my Hollister short skirt dancing on the coffee table

50:46

surprised I didn't you know go right through the

50:48

table and as soon as two guys there's

50:51

a guy named Brendan and a guy named Matt they got in

50:53

a fight hole goes through the wall Dave's

50:55

parents from running down the stairs and

50:58

Dave's dad just goes I am absolutely

51:00

flabbergasted at what assholes you

51:02

children are being and Mary Beth Annie Katie

51:04

and I busted out the back door

51:06

and we were hiding in the bushes

51:08

and I called my mom for my no key and

51:10

I said mom come pick us up she said where

51:12

are you I said don't even come down to the

51:14

cul-de-sac we will meet you at the end of the

51:16

street in the bushes and we waited in the bushes

51:18

for 20 minutes and my mom pulled up and her

51:21

red jaguar vandon applause and I literally jumped on the

51:23

hood of the car we got

51:25

in the car and she took us to Sonic and

51:27

she picked us up and we went to Sonic that

51:29

night she's like what happened I'm like

51:31

the boys got in a fight there's a hole

51:33

in the wall Dave's dad is making us all

51:35

pay $25 to fix the wall and my mom's

51:37

like over my dead body he couldn't control the

51:39

body and we skied it on the sonic

51:42

dude

51:44

there was nothing worse though than when you thought you were

51:46

like talking to somebody and then you walked into a party

51:49

and the guy you know innocent times though

51:52

innocent times are taking ribbing a shot with another

51:54

gal She's sitting on the lap and

51:56

you were just like I Can't fucking believe it I

51:58

give you a hand job outside of. The Cold Stone

52:00

Creamery right next to the Regal Cinema. After

52:03

the Transformer movie at, this is what I

52:05

get. You. Know to mean

52:07

in the girl that I had no a d,

52:10

they are even talking Wednesday, my boyfriend for like

52:12

six months and I might another. Who. Didn't

52:14

tell anybody he's dating me. I

52:17

was also very cute. So. A

52:19

lotta you guys really missed opportunities. And

52:22

guy was nice and kyoto so go fuck

52:24

yourself. I ended up dating a guy

52:26

that went to the rival. Private high school

52:28

and. That did not end well.

52:30

Okay, great let's go the next voicemail. Had

52:33

are Here is an absolutely

52:36

fucking Not forth and episode.

52:38

At me. As mid twenties

52:40

and home with my has been I've

52:42

been married to about five years. Two.

52:46

Kids under four years old with

52:48

at the time as Redbox he

52:50

did. He. Paused.

52:52

So my husband. I

52:55

take my brother. To the gas

52:57

station to get cigarettes balances. Story

52:59

did it is paused. Personally

53:02

thirty minutes after they left I

53:04

became calling them. Know.

53:07

He answers. About two hours

53:09

after the last day. So how to

53:11

returned? That's what. I

53:14

went to bed approximately five hours

53:16

later, never finish the movie and.

53:18

Found out the next morning and they've

53:21

been at a strip club and skyn

53:23

about eight hundred dollars? no absolutely not

53:25

too skinny melons and stay alone with

53:27

two kids under the age of four.

53:30

Or your husband to to brother to

53:32

his shirt caught on Valentine's Day. From.

53:34

Happy to say, have been divorced

53:36

for almost six years and I

53:38

kicked my brother out of the house

53:41

about two years after I got

53:43

it. So. Absolutely

53:46

as to regime was wrong

53:49

women. Yeah. To to be strong

53:51

women don't ever swimming around since the like

53:53

that yeah, love each other. So

53:55

happy to see others success in your life!

53:58

Love you! Honey, I love you. If

54:00

I love you well we will dirty on

54:02

that voicemail. First of all all gals now

54:04

or I you we go to the strip

54:07

club on fucking President's Day a you know

54:09

afford to July and President's they are The

54:11

two days of the girls go to the

54:13

strip club. Don't ask me why, we just

54:16

all get it. The girls get it. Get

54:18

it. Also right now my eyes twitching that

54:20

voicemail may. My eye twitch and maybe throw

54:22

canal but we're gonna roll through. It's okay,

54:25

says. The thing to you know the

54:27

Valentine's Day you when you get the

54:29

right back C B D you are

54:31

bad to watch. Sleepless in Seattle have

54:33

romantic moment than all beside your husband

54:36

and your brother. Just get up to

54:38

go get cigarettes. Dude. And then

54:40

he spends eight hundred dollars and just doesn't

54:42

come back from the strip club Now I'm

54:44

so glad he divorces guy on said rob

54:46

also you know was the last place I

54:48

want to be share and share the my

54:50

sister in law. Love her dearly but I don't

54:53

want to. That was strip club on hell, died there,

54:55

was miserable. You know, just kind of an

54:57

odd place and odd vibe and on energy. and

54:59

then I'm glad that they are close. With that

55:01

she's an odd thing to do. You.

55:04

Know just get up in the middle of

55:06

a pause. the movie You think you run

55:08

an alford jade arrayed baby. You know? some

55:10

sour patch kids? And a pack

55:12

of zags and then you just spend. Eight

55:15

hundred dollars. At

55:17

a strip club with your brother

55:20

in law? Nana Nana Nana. Immediate

55:22

immediately, no immediate divorce. I

55:24

do love that the brother hung around for

55:26

an extra two years because listen, You.

55:28

Know keep your friends close but your family.

55:31

Definitely. Still on the on the pay roll.

55:33

I mean business? Yeah to do Chad deal. I

55:36

would like to. I have a couple follow up

55:38

questions you know to the brother comeback was like

55:40

these wasn't my idea. He. Was

55:42

a mod is it was Robs rob on

55:44

the get your eyes and said fuck this

55:46

bitch let's go to the strip clubs. I

55:48

didn't tell him no. And I didn't

55:50

tell him you weren't a bitch. But. Next thing

55:52

you know my hands are tied. He's going. I

55:54

mean I love when guide whatever they get

55:56

caught weather's are you know your brother. watches,

55:59

Your has a decently. The the best thing is when

56:01

guys at my hands are tied. You.

56:03

Know. It's. Like they know that some one

56:05

of their buddies is doing so. The babbling my

56:07

hands are tied. That's my boy. My as are

56:09

tied. I can't I couldn't tell

56:11

us. Marks. Wife that he was

56:14

being an adulterer. My hands are tied to

56:16

your hands are tied. We're. Hands are

56:18

going to be tied when you're in handcuffs. Given

56:21

by the call the authorities on your lion

56:23

as. As loved to say

56:25

that my hands are tied. Me:

56:27

And your put me in a bad spot. I also

56:30

love that one, right? Oh my. I could put me

56:32

in a bad spot. Like.

56:34

Bill. You for buying.

56:36

So. Jane. On

56:39

Christmas morning which your

56:41

bullies. Instead of opening

56:43

presents with your kids, you put me in

56:45

a bad spot. You could is said no.

56:48

You. Also could have said

56:50

no. To walking

56:52

out on your family and doing. A drug

56:54

run on Christmas morning. Guys. Love

56:57

these antics! He is my answer to. You.

56:59

Put me to bad spot. Your. Brother

57:01

could have easily his I he came home.

57:03

Sick, weird the fuck were you guys. Dude,

57:06

I want to get the middle of this. I don't.

57:08

You put me in a bad spot. Because.

57:11

I technically live here because I kiki all done

57:13

a. Job and your husband's and him for maniac

57:15

and isn't sleeping with a lot of other women

57:17

like I know exactly. Had a conversation with them.

57:20

I'm glad you're out of it. Listen, Valentine's Day

57:22

should also feel liberated. You know to me an

57:24

elite out whatever. it's a made up holiday about

57:26

loves but it's single fucking thrive in the fact

57:29

that you don't have to deal with bullshit and

57:31

if you're in a bad marriage or it a

57:33

bad relationship let this be the moment where that

57:35

are saw that like goes off the you're like

57:37

i'm get out of this shit. Let.

57:39

That be an eye opening moment and not

57:42

that you know again. Depicted.

57:44

as abby show but a bunch of gifts

57:46

but it there in the middle of sleepless

57:48

in seattle pausing and then go and to

57:51

leaving for three hours with wonder your family

57:53

members to go look at other tidies shaken

57:55

the when he remains. The. Last

57:57

rap. Light. Let

58:00

Valentine's Day be a check-in with yourself. What are

58:02

your priorities? What do you need? What's filling up

58:04

your love cup? If you're in a relationship and

58:07

you get to Valentine's Day and you're like, I'm

58:09

not even feeling this anymore, it may not even

58:11

be tumultuous. But if you're just like, listen, you

58:14

like things, I don't like, your family

58:16

sucks, I gotta go. Then go

58:18

to Portugal for the weekend and figure yourself out.

58:20

I'm just letting you know, it doesn't have to

58:23

be a do or die, doom and gloom. Sometimes

58:25

it can be a light check-in. You

58:27

know what I mean? A light little pap smear

58:29

on the strings of

58:32

your conscious and your heart. I don't know what

58:34

I was trying to say there. Let it be a check-in. But

58:37

my God, it just disappears. The

58:40

only day you're allowed to disappear and go see

58:42

some titty shake is when you come to my

58:44

shows and on President's Day and

58:46

Fortune's July. We all know this. Let's get to

58:48

the last voicemail. Heather, hey,

58:50

this is Nikki Smith from South

58:52

Carolina. Hey, Nikki. And I am sending

58:54

what I hope you're going to think is an absolutely

58:56

yes. My

58:59

25-year-old son Tanner was

59:01

recently a cast member on season two

59:03

of Love on the Spectrum on Netflix.

59:06

Tanner is autistic. I love Tanner. And

59:08

the show is about young adults who

59:10

are on the spectrum that are trying

59:12

to navigate dating for the first time.

59:15

And you are absolutely one of my favorite people

59:17

in the world. I live for your podcast every

59:19

week. And I was thinking how cool it would

59:22

be for you to interview him. He

59:24

lives independently with roommates and Clemson, so he's

59:26

not that far from you. And

59:29

you guys just have so many things in common.

59:31

You're two of the most awesome people that I

59:33

know. You're two of the most authentic people that

59:35

I know. Tanner could not give

59:37

a rat's ass what anyone thinks about him.

59:39

And I would describe you the exact same

59:41

way. You're both hilarious without even

59:44

trying to be. Tanner

59:46

is joyful and funny. And

59:49

just, you have to be around him to get it, but

59:51

he's a riot. You're both on

59:53

Netflix. He's on a reality show. You've got a special.

59:55

So that's another thing you guys have in common. He

59:58

absolutely loves to ask people questions. And obviously

1:00:00

you do too, because you've got a podcast. That

1:00:02

was one of the funniest parts that the

1:00:05

show aired of him with him firing questions on

1:00:07

his date. And it

1:00:09

was just really hilarious. But his

1:00:11

big theme is spread joy. And I

1:00:14

think that you are an incredible joy spreader. And

1:00:16

I think the two of you together would just

1:00:19

be a force for raising awareness for differently abled

1:00:21

young adults who are out trying to make

1:00:23

their way in the world. So I just thought it would be a

1:00:25

really cool idea. And we'd love to hear

1:00:27

back from you. If this is something that you think

1:00:29

is an absolutely yes. Have a great day. Are

1:00:32

you kidding me? This is the greatest gift. Absolutely. Nikki,

1:00:34

thank you for calling into the podcast. Tanner,

1:00:36

absolutely. As soon as I get back from

1:00:38

Australia, you were on the podcast, buddy. First

1:00:41

of all, if you have, this is such

1:00:43

a sweet voicemail. Thank you for calling in.

1:00:45

Also, I've seen the show and Nikki, this

1:00:47

mom, oh, Tanner's mom is hot. She's a

1:00:49

strikingly gorgeous woman. So it's literally just said

1:00:51

out loud. We were watching the show last night.

1:00:53

Jeff goes, wow, Tanner's mom's so hot. Okay, so

1:00:55

let's talk about this real quick. If you have

1:00:58

not seen Love on the Spectrum, this is a

1:01:00

great segue. It's a great show. So

1:01:03

just endearing, sweet, funny, refreshing.

1:01:05

And I think such a great

1:01:07

reminder for folks to just like

1:01:09

get out of your head about

1:01:11

shit. Here's the deal. Tanner,

1:01:14

absolutely. Please come on the podcast. We would

1:01:16

love to have you open invitation. I'll have

1:01:18

my team reach out to your team. Let's

1:01:20

coordinate it and let's talk about love. Let's

1:01:22

talk about any questions that you've ever wanted

1:01:24

to ask. Love on the Spectrum, if

1:01:26

you haven't seen it, it's an incredible show on Netflix.

1:01:29

And it's where folks who are on

1:01:31

the autism spectrum are neurodivergent buddies are

1:01:33

out there finding love. First of all,

1:01:35

Jeff had never seen the show and we

1:01:38

watched it last night and Jeff was like,

1:01:40

this is so refreshing. A, because

1:01:42

I think a lot of people, and

1:01:44

I don't wanna speak for our friends on the spectrum, but

1:01:46

a lot of people think that like, if

1:01:49

you're neurodivergent that you may not have the

1:01:51

skills or the desire or the want to

1:01:53

seek out a relationship. And

1:01:56

you see the friends from the show, they

1:01:58

do speed dating. They're out there looking

1:02:00

for love, just like the rest of us are. I mean,

1:02:03

it's our human nature to wanna have a

1:02:05

connection with another person. And Tanner is fricking

1:02:07

great. I cannot believe you called in. I

1:02:09

am on a high right now. This is

1:02:11

an absolute yes. Tanner on the

1:02:13

show is so incredibly funny and adorable.

1:02:15

I've never met him, sorry, I haven't

1:02:18

even met him yet. I'm obviously a huge fan.

1:02:20

I've never seen somebody who has truly

1:02:22

has like a spark of joy behind

1:02:24

their eyes, the way Tanner does. And

1:02:26

I don't wanna give too much of

1:02:28

the show away, I'm only on

1:02:30

episode four right now. So I've seen Tanner

1:02:32

start his dating journey. And as you said,

1:02:35

mom, when he went on his first date,

1:02:37

he was just peppering this girl with questions.

1:02:40

I could tell they weren't a match because the

1:02:42

energy was not matching, but Tanner

1:02:44

would just showed up. He had flowers

1:02:46

for his date. He was just asking

1:02:49

her honestly straightforward questions. And this

1:02:51

is, can I tell you, this is

1:02:53

what I find really refreshing about

1:02:55

watching people who are neurodivergent or

1:02:57

on the autism spectrum dating. They

1:02:59

cut to the chase, dude. Literally Tanner's asking

1:03:01

her questions like, do you like nature? Do

1:03:03

you have allergies? Do you like barnyard animals?

1:03:06

And if she says no, he's like next.

1:03:08

Like there's no fucking around.

1:03:10

There is no like, okay, let's try and

1:03:12

like work this out or let me waste

1:03:14

my time with somebody for two years. If

1:03:16

I'm so obsessed with nature and barnyard animals,

1:03:18

and that's what I want my main hobby

1:03:20

to be, why am I gonna hang out

1:03:23

with this chick who ain't into the stuff

1:03:25

I'm into? There was another guy on the

1:03:27

show who went out on a date and

1:03:29

I really thought they were hitting it off on

1:03:31

the date. And they're immediately talking about like, I'm

1:03:33

into anime, I'm into, I like these TV shows.

1:03:36

I like this movie. These are the sports I

1:03:38

like to play, yada, yada, yada. And then they

1:03:40

sit down. They're having a lemonade and a cranberry

1:03:42

juice. And the girl goes, I wanna have a

1:03:44

family and kids. And the gentleman is

1:03:46

immediately like, that's not gonna work. It's not gonna

1:03:48

work. And I love the way he said it.

1:03:50

This is not Tanner. This is another gentleman on

1:03:52

the show. He just said, well, this

1:03:55

has been a lovely date, but I

1:03:57

don't think this is gonna work out because I don't want to be a dad. And

1:03:59

she's like, thank you. you for your honesty." And she's

1:04:01

like, thank you for being transparent. And then he

1:04:03

was like, have a lovely day. I'd love

1:04:05

to remain friends. That's it. I'm

1:04:07

like, how fucking refreshing is that kind of

1:04:10

dating? And Jeff in the moment said, he's

1:04:13

like, you know, what's so wild with people who

1:04:15

are not neurodivergent. Can you imagine this poor girl,

1:04:17

if she's dating just a regular old Joe Schmo,

1:04:19

who's a finance bro from New York, and he

1:04:21

drags her out in like a three year relationship.

1:04:23

And then she's like, but I want to settle

1:04:25

down and have kids. She's like, I told you

1:04:28

this on like our fifth date. And he's like,

1:04:30

well, whatever. I just thought I would like keep

1:04:32

stringing you along for three years. And now she's

1:04:34

wasted three years of her life for a guy

1:04:36

who doesn't want to have kids and wants to

1:04:38

keep doing cocaine on the weekends. And she's like,

1:04:40

I'm ready to settle down. Listen, our

1:04:43

buddies over here on Love on the Spectrum got that out of

1:04:45

the way on the first date. Like, do

1:04:47

you like these following things? No, you

1:04:49

don't. Next. It is the

1:04:51

most refreshing style of dating I've ever seen. So

1:04:54

I think everybody needs to watch Love on

1:04:56

the Spectrum. And maybe if we were a

1:04:58

little kinder, more patient and a little bit

1:05:00

more straightforward on these first dates, instead of

1:05:02

baiting around the bush, you wouldn't end up

1:05:04

dating a guy who's a loser for six

1:05:06

months. If you get down the road and

1:05:08

you're like, this guy doesn't like

1:05:11

science. The way I like science. This guy

1:05:13

doesn't like vacationing in,

1:05:16

you know, on a ski trip, the way I

1:05:18

like to ski, like you gotta

1:05:20

have basic, you know, yeah, opposites attract, but

1:05:22

you can have basic things that you're both

1:05:24

into. Like if I,

1:05:26

if I dated a guy who on the, you

1:05:28

know, two weeks in was like, Oh, I don't

1:05:30

like Italian food. I'm allergic to garlic. It ain't

1:05:33

gonna work. There's

1:05:35

another guy on the show named Connor who's

1:05:37

out of Atlanta and he is the

1:05:39

fricking best. He goes on a speed

1:05:41

dating. He does speed dating

1:05:43

with fellow autistic guys and gals,

1:05:46

and he has a little chart. And maybe this is,

1:05:48

maybe we need to do this. Bumble has like a

1:05:51

printout or hinge has a printout and he went on

1:05:53

the date and you're sitting across, you got five minutes

1:05:55

on the speed date. You

1:05:57

know, he's talking to a girl named Emily. She doesn't.

1:06:00

like three things he doesn't like, he would

1:06:02

just check out no. And then the next

1:06:04

role will come out no. And so finally

1:06:06

the producers pull him aside, this guy Connor,

1:06:08

and they're just like, Hey, Connor,

1:06:10

can you wait to scratch out their names before they

1:06:12

get up from the table? Like, just wait. And he

1:06:14

was like, Oh, it didn't even think about

1:06:17

that. I mean, savage, just like next, next.

1:06:19

So I, all of this

1:06:21

to be said, Tanner, we would love to have

1:06:23

you on the podcast. I think it would be

1:06:26

such a breath of fresh air. And please ask

1:06:28

me anything you want, like, let's be a guiding

1:06:30

light for each other on how to navigate this

1:06:32

world. You know, we've got two different mindsets right

1:06:34

now. But I think this is a fantastic way

1:06:36

to, you know, learn something about each other. And

1:06:39

honestly, I want to, if I can impart any

1:06:41

wisdom on Tanner about dating, he can also impart

1:06:43

some wisdom on to me about life in

1:06:45

general. You know, that's what we're trying

1:06:48

to do out here is just make

1:06:50

it work. But Tanner is

1:06:53

the sweetest. Oh my God. I think

1:06:55

everybody that's Valentine's Day should watch Love

1:06:57

on the Spectrum. It is so heartwarming.

1:06:59

And it's so funny. And I gotta

1:07:01

say Tanner's mom who's listening, you

1:07:04

were such a great mom. And I literally

1:07:06

shed a tear when you said it was

1:07:08

difficult when you were trying to, you

1:07:11

know, when you realize that your

1:07:13

son was different, and you were trying to, like you said,

1:07:15

and I don't want to misquote you, you're like, I was

1:07:17

trying to get all the right therapy for Tanner, I

1:07:19

was trying to make sure that he had all the

1:07:21

right tools in his toolbox to

1:07:23

help him navigate the world. And I believe

1:07:25

you said, and then finally we took a

1:07:27

step back and let Tanner be Tanner and

1:07:30

this beautiful personality came out. And he is

1:07:32

just such a joy. And I thought that

1:07:34

was such a beautiful parenting moment too. I'm

1:07:36

like, wow, what a great lesson and reminder.

1:07:38

And obviously, like, you know, I'm not in

1:07:41

the same situation. But I was just like,

1:07:43

what a beautiful mom to like, just

1:07:45

let Tanner be the best. I mean, you guys

1:07:47

have to watch the show, you're going to immediately

1:07:49

fall in love with him. And listen, I don't

1:07:52

give me any spoilers. I don't know if he's

1:07:54

found love yet. But Tanner, if you are single

1:07:56

and you're listening, honey, we will, we will find

1:07:58

you a gal as soon as You get

1:08:00

on this podcast, but yeah, everybody needs

1:08:02

to watch Love on the Spectrum. It is so great.

1:08:04

They just get to the point. There's no riffraff. You're

1:08:07

not going to be drug into a relationship for six years

1:08:09

with somebody who's not, doesn't have the same interests,

1:08:12

thoughts, you know,

1:08:14

characteristics. At the end of

1:08:16

the day, you got to have the same character. If you

1:08:18

don't, it's not going to work out. Yeah, you could both

1:08:20

love football, but if you don't have the same shades in

1:08:22

your heart, it's not going to work out point blank period.

1:08:25

But what an absolute yes. Oh my God, I just got

1:08:27

so excited. Tanner, please come on the show. You

1:08:29

guys, if you're listening to this and you're driving around

1:08:31

or maybe you're sitting on your couch and you're like,

1:08:33

eh, I was going to be bummed out about Valentine's

1:08:36

Day. Don't. All right.

1:08:38

You got somebody you love, love of me more.

1:08:40

But if you got to break up with somebody,

1:08:42

also pull the ripcord. And if you're single and

1:08:44

ready to mingle, put on some love on the

1:08:46

spectrum, get a giggle and just remember,

1:08:48

you know what I mean? We're all just trying to

1:08:50

figure it out. Nothing's perfect and

1:08:53

celebrate the wins when you get them because that's what we're all

1:08:55

trying to do. All right. I

1:08:57

love you. I'm in Australia. So

1:09:00

come see my shows, get your tickets at

1:09:02

heatherandtour.com and we'll be back stateside in

1:09:04

a week and we'll see you there. Love you mean

1:09:06

it. Ciao Bella. Arrivederci.

1:09:09

See you in the next episode. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Please

1:09:48

Note that this episode may contain paid

1:09:50

endorsements and advertisements for products and services.

1:09:53

Individuals on the show may have a

1:09:55

direct or indirect financial interest in products

1:09:57

or services referred to in this episode.