0:10

The path

0:12

to making yourself more loving,

0:14

is the path to God.

0:18

What does it mean to love?

0:22

This will be one of my most important episodes

0:24

that I've ever released. Ask

0:27

him is very practical to

0:29

Now, i been a lot of time contemplating

0:32

the nature of love. What

0:34

is love? How does love work? And

0:37

I talked about some of that in great

0:39

detail, some would like the Deep metaphysics

0:41

of love i talked about that is a two

0:43

part series what is love part

0:45

one and part to go check that out if you miss

0:47

those

0:50

and what i find is that there's nothing more valuable

0:52

really to contemplate the nature of love

0:56

because that's what consciousness and reality

0:59

ar

1:01

personally i reached a point in my own understanding

1:04

and contemplation where i

1:06

was installing these door stoppers you

1:09

know these springing door stoppers

1:11

i was installing these doing some upgrades in my bathroom

1:16

and the became so conscious

1:18

of the metaphysics of love

1:21

that when i flicked this thing

1:25

they just heard an oscillating that

1:27

i became aware that even the oscillation

1:29

of this spring the

1:32

love now

1:35

that's , at the highest possible

1:37

metaphysical level and i don't expect

1:40

you to get that right here right now in fact

1:42

we're not gonna be talking about that in this episode

1:45

we're going to be focusing more on the human domain

1:48

of the relative domain of how to actually

1:50

love others around us this can

1:52

be much more useful for you but

1:55

just as an aside i do hope one

1:57

day and this work if you really go

2:00

with me in this work and you actual

2:02

eyes your full potential of awakening

2:05

and contemplation don't love

2:07

you will one day become conscious

2:10

this the

2:13

love but

2:16

we're moving on past that and

2:20

even though i have understood

2:23

love and realize that at the highest possible

2:25

metaphysical levels i still struggle

2:27

to embody that the data

2:29

day level at the human level

2:32

at the relative level what i called the relative level

2:35

and and so i still below to do a lot

2:37

of work there and so as i've been doing

2:39

that work and thinking about how do i do

2:41

that work right before you can do it justice

2:44

ask yourself how do i even begin doing

2:46

it that's what led me

2:49

to the realization that inside so i'll be sharing

2:51

with you this episode though

2:54

i continue to contemplate the relative levels

2:56

of love and the question

2:58

here is you know We like

3:01

to say i you a lot. We

3:04

like, to say I love blank.

3:06

I love this. I love that this

3:08

person, or this thing, whatever you're applying

3:10

it to, I love pizza or

3:13

you probably tell your family members. I love you

3:15

or you tell your spouse

3:17

or a or boyfriend. i you. But

3:21

you say it. As

3:23

a platitude, you

3:25

say it flippantly, you say it mindlessly,

3:27

you don't actually know. what

3:29

that means or what it entails

3:33

that's a big problem

3:37

as if you're not clear on what

3:39

i love you means and how

3:42

to actually practice it then

3:44

how can you love no

3:48

i love is is interesting because the

3:51

a lot of people can get the idea that love is

3:54

just this frivolous thing that

3:56

is not something deeper profound that

3:59

years as a human and the ocean or it's

4:01

just something you know extra

4:04

like you know it's the icing on top

4:06

of the cake and

4:08

that love is fundamental

4:12

the but just from

4:14

science and psychology we know that

4:18

babies baby monkeys

4:21

maybe rats and

4:23

even course baby humans they die

4:25

from lack of love you

4:29

would think you could raise a

4:31

baby monkey or baby rat

4:33

or maybe even a baby human without

4:35

love just as long as you give it the

4:37

food and shelter just that the basic

4:39

stuff right that an organism nice has arrived

4:42

in that you'll drop line right that

4:45

wrong that wrong even

4:48

if these organisms and up

4:51

surviving physically the

4:53

maturity which a lot of them actually world they'll die

4:57

but even if some of them do what

5:00

the research shows that they are completely

5:02

psychologically dysfunctional just ruined

5:05

and destroyed and incapable

5:07

of being rehabilitated that's how bad it

5:09

is so

5:12

i was thinking about this and

5:15

of course you know deep down i understand

5:17

why they need that love but i

5:21

was forget about it like at what

5:23

i mean there's like why

5:25

they need it as consciousness right the

5:28

if if you're if you're i'm at the material a sort of

5:30

biological that we might say like will why does a monkey

5:32

baby monkey need love why does baby rat need love

5:35

what you're thinking about it wrong the we gotta think about aside

5:38

this baby monkey or less baby rat think of it as a consciousness

5:42

right it's not an organism it's a

5:44

consciousness why

5:47

does this consciousness need love like

5:52

metaphysically why does it need it how

5:55

to play dead and

5:58

when you awaken to what love is actually the

6:00

up an alignment that honors point than the

6:02

such a realize why it needs it and

6:05

the reason that is because consciousness is

6:07

love that is it's nature and

6:10

also just think about authentic from the sort of biological

6:13

perspective is like you had this little baby

6:15

consciousness within this larger a

6:17

consciousness which is what we're going to call the universe

6:20

we have this little baby consciousness monkey

6:22

erad or he's human whatever it is i

6:25

think how vulnerable

6:28

that consciousness is to

6:30

what a larger system can do to

6:33

it

6:38

all the way that can be abused and misused

6:41

and traumatized but

6:45

anyways i was thinking about this and i was asking myself

6:52

we're just comparing the difference between a baby monkey

6:54

that receives love and one that doesn't

6:57

and is completely dysfunctional or even dies as

6:59

the as a result of not getting

7:01

it what is the difference like what

7:03

is what is what

7:05

are the adult monkeys doing to

7:07

make sure that the baby monkey receives

7:09

all the love it needs the be

7:12

opie and fully functional

7:17

like what are the steps is it like

7:20

feeding the monkey is it grooming

7:23

the baby monkey is that coddling the baby monkeys

7:25

hugging it is it kissing it is it's scratching

7:27

it is abiding it what's it doing so

7:31

that the baby monkey feel the love the

7:34

didn't or of the granular level yet to take it down

7:36

to and we're going to take it down to the regular level

7:39

with humans of course now with monkeys so

7:44

the question then becomes how do

7:46

humans receive love and what does that look

7:49

like and

7:51

the problem is that too often love is treated as this

7:53

vague abstraction or just

7:56

a a vague feeling them

7:58

romantic feeling and

8:00

out we don't think about like the

8:02

deeper aspects of

8:04

it so here's

8:07

a list sort of a master list that i've

8:09

assembled of how do you actually

8:11

love actually person practically

8:13

what do you do your

8:15

it is your want to take notes on this this

8:19

list right here write

8:22

this down cause any and keep coming back

8:24

to it consists list will change your whole life that's

8:27

how powerful this list is really

8:30

i should be charging thousands of dollars for

8:32

this list i'm

8:34

giving it to for free why

8:37

would i do that well

8:40

maybe one day you'll understand so

8:43

here's the list the one

8:46

the tension and awareness giving

8:50

it's and in this case i'm gonna be using the word yet

8:52

or other to refer to like we're

8:55

coming out from the point of you as let's let's say you

8:57

and i are the parents and it's or other

8:59

in this case is the baby or the thing that worth

9:01

trying to love the object of our

9:03

love so

9:05

how do we show love to this object

9:08

is the question and look it can be

9:10

a it can be a human it could be an animal

9:12

it could be a even of physical objects

9:15

course a physical object won't need many of these but

9:18

the muslims to talk about humans though

9:23

you give your attention and awareness

9:25

and your time that's

9:27

just fundamental

9:31

imagine if you are trying to love

9:33

an object or the

9:35

creature are being and

9:38

you are not even giving your attention

9:41

and love even happened without awareness

9:43

that attention think

9:45

about that think about how important

9:48

just attention and awareness is the

9:51

next point is physical contact

9:55

clutching holding hugging

9:57

coddling and even

9:59

more on a mental than all of those his

10:02

proximity physical proximity

10:05

just that alone ten

10:09

bring forth feelings of love and

10:12

think about you

10:16

don't the offer a physical

10:18

proximity just sitting next to

10:20

were being next two or even been the same

10:22

space as the

10:25

thing you're trying to love think

10:27

about how good a feel

10:32

the next point is connection this

10:35

actually a much deeper point is this really goes

10:37

to the core of what love is love his connection

10:40

but for now think

10:44

of it as you're trying to create a connection

10:46

with this thing whatever it is you're

10:49

trying to connect with this person and

10:53

there's different levels of connection different kinds

10:55

of connection there's physical

10:57

connection there is emotional connection

10:59

there's intellectual connection that's

11:01

possible and then there's spiritual

11:04

connection which would be the highest form of connection

11:06

that really you're not picking one

11:08

of out of these for you're going to try

11:11

to do all of them and

11:13

that if you want to love something

11:15

if you really love something then

11:18

you're gonna be try to connect with it with in

11:20

every possible way in every

11:22

possible dimension that's available to you

11:25

so these for and maybe others that i

11:28

have even overlooked here i don't know you're

11:31

always keep your mind open up more and more

11:33

ways of forming connections but

11:35

at least these for of

11:38

course that's why physical contact

11:40

and proximity is so important as the physical

11:42

the next that's being created there then

11:45

of course the physical although that's very important

11:48

the by no means

11:51

is it the most important the

11:54

next point is taking good care of it

11:58

if you love of thing you want to take good care that right

12:01

a lot of these just be intuitively obvious

12:04

to as i mentioned them you probably haven't

12:06

really thought about this before but as i mentioned i'm it should

12:08

be like oh yeah of course at so obvious the

12:13

and to take care of a thing then you gotta

12:15

care about it's needs helping

12:18

to meet it's needs

12:22

helping to survive because if you

12:24

love of thing then what that implies

12:27

that you wanted to survive you wanted

12:29

to exist

12:32

think about it like in the sort of like profound

12:35

way if you love of saying

12:39

you actually what you love is you love

12:41

it's existence first and foremost

12:45

you recognize the

12:48

beauty and value of it's existence

12:53

then you wanted to keep existing and

12:56

you want to help it to exist

12:58

if it's existence is endangered

13:04

pretty profound us know of course

13:07

there's a problem here in that this is gonna create an attachment

13:12

it it's going to create a bias because you're

13:14

attached to this thing existing this way

13:17

it's a finite object your task

13:19

to helping it exists to survive then

13:22

what about the other objects so deathly

13:24

talking about a bias kind of love here right

13:27

is what you're doing the difference

13:30

between the sorta like metaphysical platonic

13:32

existential forms of love godly

13:35

forms of love at

13:38

the universal sorta level the universal love

13:40

the difference between that and loving

13:43

a object or the particular

13:46

person or being is that you're sort of focusing

13:48

in channeling that love towards

13:50

a specific form within consciousness

13:54

there's problems and limitations with that

13:56

the we're not really worried about that because the

13:59

context of this the episode of that we're talking

14:01

about how to love specifically

14:04

that all of the people in your life recognize

14:08

that there's limitations to that whole paradigm

14:11

eventually you're gonna wanna go so deep

14:13

in your love that you're gonna even how to transcend

14:17

the attachment to needing to help people

14:19

to survive the

14:22

not even let that go to return even

14:24

deeper level of love but that

14:26

no too advanced for us here we

14:28

don't want to get off track so continuing

14:31

on that same theme of helping to meet

14:33

it's needs is sheltering it

14:35

from excessive suffering fear

14:38

and trauma that

14:40

would destroy or cripple it

14:45

that's really the function of parenting

14:49

the pair is there to protect the small

14:51

honorable child from suffering

14:54

fear and frommer not one

14:56

hundred percent of it you don't want to remove

14:58

all the suffering in your child's life you

15:01

don't want to have your child never experienced

15:03

fear when you don't want to to reach such

15:05

levels that it's going to traumatize that child

15:07

and cripple that child for the rest of his life so

15:10

that the child will not be able to

15:12

get over the suffering

15:14

here so the parents

15:18

and really good sort of model of

15:20

how you get these insights about love is look

15:22

at you know what loving parents do look

15:25

at what a loving mother or father how they

15:27

take care of children and what you see is

15:30

that they're not overly

15:32

protective but the

15:34

most extreme forms of sutherland there's there's

15:36

sort of like gauging how much suffering and

15:38

fear and challenge of

15:40

life have this little cautious

15:42

as handle in a bit beyond

15:45

that and we're going to protect against that but

15:48

we're going to protect against every to eat a little

15:50

little bump and scratch because

15:53

that would that would actually make

15:55

national consciousness too weak because

15:57

consciousness nice some some

16:00

then in some some difficulty in order to grow

16:02

and toughen up and l a thick skin and then be able to

16:04

survive on it's own and

16:07

if you love was saying you don't want

16:09

to to be depended on you for the rest of it's

16:11

life you wanted to become

16:13

stronger and ultimately independent

16:15

of you the

16:18

even who really love a thing you want

16:20

to to surpass you in

16:22

your own development you

16:25

wanted to reach levels

16:28

consciousness and growth that

16:30

even you yourself have not been able

16:33

to at actual eyes

16:36

or the next aspect here

16:39

is having it's back

16:42

defending it being loyal

16:44

to it

16:46

and you can tell when someone is loyalty would

16:48

has your back and when someone is it you

16:51

can tell when your friend has your back and than some

16:53

your friends that are are more

16:55

sketchy that you wouldn't cross

16:58

so readily why

17:01

not it's cause you realize that

17:03

they actually did don't have your back you

17:05

can't rely on them

17:09

the next point is taking on its

17:12

agenda as your own this

17:17

is a huge mistake that we make when we try to love

17:20

others is that we

17:22

try to impose our agenda on them

17:25

confusing our agenda for

17:28

it's agenda that's the classic

17:30

mistake that parents me you

17:32

know the child might have it's own agenda like

17:35

what i wanted robin be an artist and the parents

17:37

are like know you're going to be a doctor

17:39

or an engineer or lawyer that's

17:41

the parents agenda to not listening

17:44

to the child agenda they're not taking on the

17:46

child's agenda as their own the

17:52

next a point of this point is making

17:54

it's agenda an extension

17:57

of yours or even

18:00

we can even broad that out even further

18:02

is making it the

18:05

other you find a loved making

18:07

it an extension of you how

18:13

would you treat your child

18:17

yeah you were treating it as

18:20

you would treat yourself

18:28

literally when you're loving a thing laura

18:31

being you're taking

18:33

your finite sense of self

18:35

or identity and you're expanding

18:38

it to incorporate include

18:40

that object

18:44

this is difficult to do with scary to do this

18:47

because it makes you vulnerable

18:52

because like what's that you're this macho man

18:55

you're very strong if you're rich

18:57

you're emotionally healthy and

19:00

you've got great defense mechanisms and you've

19:02

got security guards and if you're living in a

19:04

in a castle with walls and security

19:06

system like you're perfectly secure

19:09

you have all your needs met then you got this

19:11

vulnerable child and

19:13

his child goes off into the world and

19:18

you can have security around for all the time

19:21

you can be there to protect her all the time

19:23

when she's with her friends and partying

19:25

doing this or that

19:29

if you actually extended

19:33

your sense of identity to include her

19:35

as part of it then see is

19:37

you if something happens to

19:39

her something happens to you if she

19:41

gets hurt you get hurt

19:44

well see you can't extend your

19:46

castle walls to incorporate her

19:48

otherwise you're gonna lock her in your castle but then

19:51

you're going to stifle her development

19:57

the so there's a there's

20:00

a great assumption of vulnerability

20:02

when you love some other truly because

20:06

now you're you're tied in with

20:08

with it's survival it's survival becomes

20:10

your survival it's pain

20:12

becomes your pain and

20:15

for a lot of people especially for a lot of men

20:18

very difficult to do because we as

20:20

men like we try to build ourselves up to be kind

20:22

of in vulnerable we are mers ourselves

20:25

up and eat first of all that doesn't

20:27

really work so well cause you never really invulnerable

20:29

all your armor is just the sort of us

20:31

house of cards that can easily collapse but

20:34

we do that anyways we put ourselves

20:36

in good position but then

20:38

but then see you have to you have to go beyond that

20:40

you can't just stay inside your castle all the time you

20:42

have to you have to learn to extend

20:44

your love to others around you

20:46

who are much more vulnerable than you not

20:49

as intelligent as you not as rich as

20:51

you not as strong

20:53

as you the

20:55

maybe your this like six foot

20:57

five three hundred pound

20:59

like gorilla look in macho dude

21:03

who can defend himself and knows he oh yeah

21:05

he's a black belt jujitsu all the source of stuff

21:07

right what do you have

21:09

a daughter

21:14

by but

21:16

and he

21:19

doesn't know jujitsu had a sheep defend

21:21

herself the now see

21:23

the party you the up going

21:25

to be very threatening to you because you built up this

21:27

whole identity of being this mas macho jujitsu

21:30

guy who can beat everybody up as

21:33

an investor gonna create a problem with you

21:35

being able to love your daughter's unless you let

21:37

go of this sort

21:40

of armoring identity that

21:42

you've created for yourself because the people are gonna

21:44

be loving they're not gonna be a strong and

21:46

armored as you and

21:49

if you're not comfortable that you're simply not gonna be able

21:51

to actually make them extensions

21:53

of you

21:58

of course the next point is treating

22:00

others as well as you

22:02

would like to treat yourself this is the golden

22:04

rule

22:07

the next point is being happy when

22:10

the succeeds as

22:13

though it's successes your success celebrating

22:17

the ones you love success

22:21

actually being happy then

22:25

you could practice just like with your friends and family

22:27

members like when they have a

22:31

big payday when something's going great

22:33

in their life or they tell you about it are you generally

22:35

happy for them if you or

22:37

it's it you just had like my whatever that's

22:39

cool but like whatever if you're like

22:42

that then what

22:44

does that tell you about your level of love these

22:47

people see if you were treating

22:49

these people as an extension of your self equal to

22:51

yourself you would feel as happy for

22:53

them when they succeed as you'd feel

22:55

for yourself when you succeed

22:59

the good how happy you feel when you get a huge raise

23:01

at work

23:05

the war you get a big refund

23:08

check from the i rs or something like that you

23:10

feel grave when your friends

23:12

tell you about that are your family member sorry about that do

23:14

you feel the same way probably

23:17

not see that actually learned to start to become

23:20

happy for others if that's what you might

23:22

notice is actually something very ugly is

23:24

that with some of your friends or family members tell

23:26

you something that's going great for them you

23:28

actually feel resentful deep

23:31

down you might you might actually feel

23:33

like why did they get that and i didn't

23:35

get that the the reason you

23:37

feel that is look they

23:40

got that but i didn't get that the

23:42

see what that's implying that there's actually a a

23:45

division in your mind between them and

23:47

you you hold them as not

23:49

you the

23:51

you help them literally as you

23:54

you would be as happy for them as you

23:56

are for yourself

23:59

no that that's a good little

24:01

litmus test right there personally

24:04

i'm not the best about one i'm

24:08

i definitely need to practice feeling

24:10

happier for others when they are succeeding

24:13

the lot of times on so focused on my own success

24:16

and my own work in my life purposes or fourth

24:18

that i just become like almost

24:21

oblivious to the success of others and

24:23

i notice how did that disconnects me and the

24:25

make me as long as i could be the

24:30

next point is one thing for

24:32

it's what it wants for itself

24:35

this is really part of that point about taking

24:37

on its agenda as your own i

24:40

like framing it this way the

24:44

wanting for it what it wants for itself

24:47

the what are the highest things that

24:51

you want for yourself the

24:54

if i love you that i should want those things for

24:56

you too and

24:58

a lot of times again people get confused

25:01

here because they project the

25:03

highest things that like here's

25:06

the the think that would happen here that i

25:08

know the highest things that i want for myself and

25:10

so i just assume that that's the stuff that you

25:13

want for yourself to but

25:16

that's not always the case because we have

25:18

different agendas different needs and so forth it

25:21

so i have to set aside my own

25:23

highest things that i want for myself and

25:26

i have to find out the highs things you want

25:28

for yourself and then champion

25:31

those when you get them and

25:34

it might be very different then what i

25:36

want for myself like maybe

25:38

would you want for yourself is you

25:41

want to become the great lawyer

25:45

maybe for me like become a hurry lawyer

25:47

that's like know nothing that i respect

25:49

even i don't really even respect

25:51

lawyers them us or personally

25:54

but if that's what you want for yourself and

25:56

that's what you need the

25:58

dumbest a heroes for me to the convince you that know

26:00

that's that's wrong but

26:03

if i truly loved you that i would want

26:05

that for you as

26:07

you want to for yourself the

26:11

next point is sacrificing

26:13

for it on his behalf working

26:17

on his behalf if

26:20

you truly love someone you're

26:22

willing to sacrifice for them and work on

26:24

their behalf and

26:27

especially a point that a lot of guys splinters

26:30

lotta guys like in the pickup community or

26:33

in the reds a red pill or

26:35

insult communities blackpool can use all this

26:37

kind of stuff the the

26:41

this really toxic masculinity

26:44

ah a lot of it like there's there's

26:46

a sort of like the

26:48

attitude of like well women women

26:54

should work for themselves and

26:57

i shouldn't have to work for the woman by her stuff

26:59

and do give her gifts and do all that kind of stuff

27:01

you know she should do it all for self and

27:05

it's is killing the attitude of

27:07

cheapness basically i suffer

27:09

from this in the past so i'm speaking to us and

27:11

sex addict to this cut attitude i've gotten

27:13

over it up to

27:16

good degree maybe have some work to do but

27:18

do but that the key shifted

27:20

i realize is that like yeah of course

27:22

you don't want a woman to use you for your money it

27:26

you don't want that but if you really

27:29

actually fall in love with a woman the

27:34

what you should want to do is actually work

27:36

on her behalf this is not about you

27:39

mean it her

27:42

needing money from you thought really about that

27:47

you should be willing to sacrifice for your woman and and

27:50

if she loves you so be willing to sacrifice for

27:52

you to and not a surly

27:54

the same ways right because but men

27:56

and women are different there's an asymmetry between the masculine

27:59

feminine so men will sacrifice for

28:01

women in their unique way and

28:03

what in the way that women need and

28:05

then women will sacrifice for men in

28:07

their unique way and in the way

28:10

that men need that's ideally how it works

28:13

of course know that doesn't that doesn't

28:16

doesn't always work that way there's a lot of dysfunction that

28:18

could happen there and of course assault is

28:20

possible to be in a relationship where you

28:22

know we both seem to love each

28:24

other but that i'm sacrificing for you

28:26

but you're not sacrificing for me i'm willing

28:29

to work for you but you're not willing to work for

28:31

me and then of course that becomes abusive

28:33

the exploited

28:36

the next point is supporting it

28:39

nurturing encouraging it the

28:43

encouragement as big if

28:46

you love someone you can encourage them

28:48

the be their best

28:52

and not in not because you need

28:54

them to be better for

28:57

you the just because you're encouraging

28:59

their self exploration

29:01

their self expression and their self actualization

29:07

notice that subtle difference there's

29:09

a lot has pairs will take off but i'm encouraging

29:12

my child to get good grades and

29:14

to go to law school other sources stuff but it's like yeah

29:16

but those are your the

29:19

issues doesn't your priorities

29:21

that is that what the child really wants

29:23

rights to your encouragement has to be aligned with

29:26

what the child really wants to release

29:28

the encouragement years against self

29:30

exploration self expression self actualization

29:32

if the child isn't interested in getting good grades than

29:36

you're not really encouraging it right

29:39

elliott to get good grades in the south not a single

29:41

law school you not encouraging it by telling it to

29:44

go to law school encourage been

29:46

here would mean okay child

29:48

what do you want what he really what he passion about okay let

29:50

me encourage your passions that would be true encouragement

29:53

that's the exploration self actualization

29:55

self expression and

29:58

even beyond encouraging think of it the cheerleading

30:01

your cheerleading the other

30:03

on in their

30:05

own goals

30:10

you're supporting them in their passions of their vision

30:15

the next point is super important and

30:17

it's really like a profound metaphysical

30:19

point i'd actually

30:22

talk about it a previous episode where i talked

30:25

about how

30:27

authority works another previous episode

30:29

where i talked about the

30:31

, godzilla game that i had but anyways

30:34

the next point is respecting it's sovereignty

30:39

this is just so fundamental basically

30:42

if you don't respect another consciousness

30:44

as sovereignty

30:48

then you can't love it

30:55

what i mean by sovereignty basically you

30:57

treated as a sovereign consciousness

31:00

the same the

31:03

same footing as you not above you would

31:06

not below you it's

31:09

equally sovereignty you a

31:12

little this is really difficult for lot of parents

31:14

and in a lot of relationships as

31:16

the real problem because we

31:18

tend to hold our sovereignty like as

31:22

the most important we put our authority on a

31:24

pedestal and then we'd try to subsume

31:26

the sovereignty of as a real first no

31:28

we interact with underneath our sovereignty and

31:31

if we saw sorts of problems though

31:34

practically what it means to respect someone sovereignty

31:36

is to not manipulate

31:38

that person not how to control

31:40

them not to dominate them not try to exploit

31:43

them not try to

31:45

hold yourself as above them or more important

31:47

than them any fundamental sense for

31:55

example and authoritarian boss or

31:57

politician will actually the

32:00

idea in their mind that they're at a higher

32:02

position of authority somehow

32:05

you know because i'm the boss of are sealed

32:07

his corporation that like my

32:09

sovereignty should reigns supreme

32:11

over this whole organization and all the people that are

32:13

underneath me this is actually bad

32:16

leadership good leadership

32:18

cautious leadership which i would have a whole episode on soon

32:20

conscious leadership say to for as can be huge the

32:24

eye opening episode but

32:29

hodges leadership's gosh

32:32

leadership rick rude the demands

32:34

that you recognize the sovereignty of everybody else

32:37

that you're leading that

32:39

you're not above them and by

32:41

recognizing other sovereignty that's what stops

32:43

you from trying to manipulate control

32:46

dominator exploit them

32:51

i have a deeper discussion of this is my episode called

32:53

them

32:56

the infinite gods awakening go

32:58

go check that one out i talk about the

33:01

sovereignty the next point

33:03

is total acceptance of

33:06

it as it is

33:09

an absence of judgment

33:15

if you love of saying you accepted

33:17

as it is you don't need to be different

33:20

you'll need to change because it you needed

33:22

to change what you're really loving is

33:24

not the thing itself your loving

33:26

some other fair to see that you've created

33:28

it's about some other thing which isn't really

33:31

the thing that you're trying to love

33:34

the this

33:38

if you really love your child you accepted as

33:40

it is not

33:42

as or how you want it to be not

33:46

judging it and

33:49

what makes love so difficult that's

33:53

because we usually needed

33:55

to be some other way for us not

33:57

as it really is therefore we don't really

33:59

see it as it is

34:03

our need for a thing to fit

34:05

our own the gender

34:07

and survival needs is so

34:09

great that oftentimes we don't

34:11

even see what's in front of us

34:14

we see what we want to see we

34:17

see what we wanted to be not

34:19

what it really is a lot

34:21

of their parents they're bad

34:23

parents the don't even see their children

34:26

they are they

34:28

only see them as the

34:31

sad to see than ideal for dave imagined

34:34

in their minds of what a good child should

34:36

be

34:39

that's what makes being a good pair

34:41

so difficult is that you need to surrender those

34:43

fantasies in

34:46

order to make a connection

34:49

with the actual child

34:52

the secret otherwise the you know

34:54

talking about the steam of love is making

34:56

connection right you're forming a deep connection

34:58

will how can you form a connection to some

35:00

object when it's reality

35:03

isn't sufficient for you therefore

35:05

you construct a fantasy of some alternative

35:08

version of that object and what you're really

35:10

connecting with is that object what's

35:12

your love it is not this thinks you're loving

35:14

that things would sure that pretending

35:17

is the real thing you're

35:19

falling in love with a fantasy the

35:26

and we to the point of valuing

35:28

the saying or the person for it's

35:30

own sake not

35:33

to what you need for it's own

35:35

sake which

35:39

leads the next point which is appreciation if

35:41

you love of thing or a person

35:46

you appreciate them as they are that's

35:51

what it really means to love something is to appreciate

35:54

his consciousness like if

35:56

you say you love pepperoni

35:59

pizza that means is you actually

36:01

appreciate the

36:04

how it tastes that's what your appreciating

36:07

that's why you love it if

36:10

you want psychedelic why do you love

36:12

them it's because you're appreciating

36:14

them when

36:16

you're experiencing them

36:19

likewise if you love your cat or your dog

36:22

that's why you love the methods that's us the

36:25

trunk of consciousness that you appreciate

36:27

you appreciate it's existence for

36:29

it's own sake

36:33

otherwise you don't really love it

36:37

and the next point which takes this appreciation

36:40

even deeper is that when you really

36:42

love of thing the

36:44

new form a deep connection with it you

36:47

our conscious you're seeing

36:49

it's intrinsic beauty this

36:53

brings us to deeper topic of beauty which

36:55

really is an existential topic

36:58

that crowded zone episode what is beauty

37:01

the in a nutshell basically beauty

37:03

is infinite the consciousness is

37:05

beautiful but

37:07

you have to be aware of that and most

37:09

people are aware of that because we're biased and

37:11

selfish and needy but

37:15

the in your own life you could find things that are beautiful

37:19

that's a bias of yours because everything is

37:21

equally beautiful but you find one specific

37:23

thing you can see it's beauty you could see the intrinsic

37:26

beauty of a thing where you'll get a piece of artwork

37:29

a man or a woman or when or

37:31

whatever child you can see his

37:34

beauty and the more

37:36

conscious he works in the more you focus

37:38

on and really look at it you can see

37:40

more and more there's infinite beauty and every object

37:43

basically you to connect

37:45

with it to release the

37:47

gifted like to suck the beauty out of it

37:50

and to appreciate that so

37:53

the more you love an object the more you're willing

37:55

to do that the

37:58

like most people can't see the infinite

38:00

beauty in the

38:02

piece of dog turd on the sidewalk they

38:05

can see the beauty of a of a great painting

38:08

by van gogh or something like that the

38:10

others equal beauty in both but

38:13

something's for us humans because we're so finite

38:15

and selfish unbiased something's rest is easier

38:17

to see the beauty of but also you can go to a museum

38:19

like one person can go to museums walk

38:21

by a van gogh painting and

38:26

like walk through it but in a walk

38:28

through the room look at to go on

38:30

how interesting the just keep walking right but

38:32

like it it's it's so shallows such

38:35

a shallow connection was born there between

38:37

that person his consciousness

38:39

and the paint the van gogh painting what

38:42

someone who's like an art connoisseur and really

38:44

a lover of and go he'll

38:47

he'll travel around the country halfway around

38:49

the country just to see that painting and he'll spend

38:52

the next hour just looking at it like really

38:54

close you'd get up close that and gorgeous like look

38:56

at it really

38:58

appreciate every brush strokes and see

39:00

the genius of it in the the use of color

39:03

and this and that and like maybe can even bring

39:05

you to tears if

39:07

you're really do that sort of thing now this you

39:09

can extend this example

39:12

to basically anything you can do this with human

39:14

beings you can take it one human being

39:17

you can just three this human being very casually and

39:19

flippantly there's actually

39:22

then you don't really love that human being you don't have a deep connection

39:24

with a but like if you really love someone

39:26

you can buy

39:27

you can you can look at their face for hours

39:31

you can see the beauty every freckle on their face

39:36

that would be forming a much deeper connection

39:42

the next point is not needing

39:45

anything from this other not

39:48

making this other a tool to satisfy your

39:50

own needs we sorta touched on this already the

39:54

next point is respecting the others

39:56

point of view the one that you

39:58

love in to understand

40:00

his point of view this

40:05

is what really makes loving

40:10

humans and

40:13

maybe even animals just differ from loving objects

40:15

with loving a physical object a painting it

40:17

doesn't really have a point of view but

40:20

every human you're gonna be loving is can have their

40:22

own point of view that lot

40:24

of times their point of view is very different from your point of view

40:27

this creates a challenge because if you're

40:29

not good at being able to jump between

40:31

different points of view you're basically

40:33

going to be and capable of loving people and

40:38

you know how big i am on point of view i'm always

40:40

talking about the perspective of nature

40:42

of reality the and in

40:45

in epistemology all the the up a small as you we've

40:47

talked about in the past we're talking about looking

40:49

different perspectives if

40:53

perspective on spirituality even perspectives on the world's

40:55

you know the source of we talked about this different paradigms

40:58

though the you really

41:00

need to get to a point where you're you're very flexible

41:03

with different points of view and for this you have to be extremely

41:05

open minded those actually impossible

41:07

to love deeply when you're not open

41:09

minded because

41:13

the you're not able to be epidemic

41:15

lee flexible enough to take on

41:17

others points of view therefore

41:20

you can't really understand that other

41:25

if you really love and other you

41:27

want to understand it

41:31

nah just as like gay the

41:34

specimen auto dissecting table like

41:37

you dissecting a frog to understand the frog there

41:42

can be value and the i even try to understand

41:44

people that way but that's not that's not nearly

41:46

enough you gotta understand their subjective

41:49

experience their consciousness that's

41:51

what you're really trying to connect with how

41:53

to connect with their physical body so much

41:55

as their mind and or consciousness and their spirit

41:58

you might say so if

42:00

you really love someone you take

42:02

the time to get the know to know them deeply

42:06

and lot of times that's what that's what bad parents

42:08

don't do that parents oftentimes

42:11

to simply skip

42:14

this step of really getting to know their children like

42:19

what do their children are really like what

42:22

are they dislike one of the passion about

42:26

what are they discuss it about what are they frustrated what

42:28

what what are their deepest fears what

42:32

are their greatest dreams and aspirations

42:38

as the it's scary to really get to know someone's

42:41

point of view deeply because first

42:43

of all it's gonna conflict with your point of view

42:45

which is gonna make you start to question your point across

42:48

multiple hold their point of view as absolute truth

42:50

and reality the way reality is if

42:52

that the deeper you'd for you get to know somebody says point

42:54

of youth is constructor like make

42:56

you question your point of view because maybe then

42:59

you can be one or like will but there's a so different from mine

43:01

how i know my is right who's is right there

43:05

that obstacle but then also

43:07

you might come to have to realize that their point

43:10

of view was so different from your point

43:12

of view that actually you to are like incompatible

43:23

or you just like you might struggle

43:25

to understand or point of view it might be so like

43:27

alien indifferent the use my not understand

43:30

their point of view that

43:32

takes a lot of mental work you know

43:34

most people just skip over a

43:37

lot of times you just won like watching

43:39

someone to death with your point of us

43:42

so that they stop speaking

43:44

from their point of view you want to like

43:47

do a sort of a frame battle wear you out

43:49

frame them the paradigm them

43:51

you want your paradigm to reign supreme

43:54

to be savoured right but this is sort of a

43:56

subtle form of domination that you do it's an epidemic

43:58

domination and

44:01

therefore that connection able to form

44:03

that genuine connection though

44:06

import component of loving someone

44:09

is not forcing your agenda or point

44:11

of view on them respecting

44:14

their point of view

44:19

which comes from recognizing that all of us have

44:21

different experiences the

44:23

and even purse different personality types different

44:25

ways of processing information

44:29

the even different neurology and

44:31

neurochemistry and genetics which

44:34

make our experience of life very

44:36

different from each other sometimes

44:39

there's all similarity bullets has quite different

44:41

to

44:45

though validating another one's point

44:48

of view that

44:50

means you love them

44:53

next is listening and caring about

44:55

their interests even just like

44:57

look something as simple as just listening to them

45:00

a lot of people just bad listeners if

45:03

you want to like just improve the quality

45:05

of your romantic relationships or your family

45:08

relationships just sit and listen

45:12

without interrupting without

45:14

being impatient i'm eager to make

45:17

time for it and you gotta pay attention to it like

45:19

a , of times you might be listening on the phone

45:22

euro iran your mom is talking to you tell you some stories

45:24

and you're listening to her with one

45:26

ear and then hear your

45:28

at the computer do something else right so

45:30

you're you're so half their you're not fully

45:33

present you're not really listening

45:42

caring about their interests and sharing

45:44

similar interests realistically

45:47

this is what makes bonding and connection

45:49

happened between humans because if if you have

45:51

no interests in common then

45:53

why are you even relating to the person

45:57

most likely there's

45:59

no in in there being even a relationship

46:01

here you're just doing our some sources

46:04

of obligation which is also

46:06

a problem with a lot of family

46:08

relationships a lot of times with family we

46:10

just kind of feel obligated to love them but

46:12

we we have like no interests

46:14

in common and

46:17

then we're just gonna lie to fake it but the

46:21

the trip with love is that what

46:24

is it on a single you can't really fake love i

46:26

mean you can fry but it's not going to feel like love

46:29

and both a you were going to know it very

46:32

very obvious

46:35

though sometimes you to let go of relationships

46:38

were a genuine connection isn't for

46:40

me because like the

46:42

points of you are two different the value

46:44

systems are two different the

46:48

the interests are two different word

46:51

common ground isn't found

46:56

see doing something out of a sense of obligation

46:59

is not sufficient for love if

47:02

you think you just hold a family together just

47:04

out of obligation

47:08

your children and spouse

47:10

they'll know it the bill know that

47:12

you're doing it the that's

47:16

some sorta like

47:21

sure the

47:25

ideal that you've said the you know for yourself

47:27

but you really like your heart's not is see

47:29

your heart has to be in it there

47:31

was you don't love it the

47:35

next point is a sense of togetherness and company

47:41

if you love the other then you'll want

47:43

that and

47:45

collaboration collaborating

47:49

together working together on something if

47:53

you love someone you're willing to collaborate with them

47:58

the next point is being there when

48:00

the other fields down are hopeless

48:02

being there for them in their lowest

48:05

time the it's easier to be

48:07

there for somebody in there peak

48:09

states of happiness and excitements what

48:13

we were your girlfriend or boyfriend when they get

48:15

a giant raise that everything's going great

48:19

it's easy to be there for them that's

48:21

not real test of your love the real test

48:24

of your love is when they are hitting

48:26

rock bottom when they

48:28

are you know the

48:31

wasted drunk depressed

48:34

lost their job got a cancer

48:36

diagnosis or

48:39

lost a bunch of money the stock market or

48:42

are suicidal or found out they have

48:44

suffered disease or mental disorder

48:47

been there for them then when

48:50

they are ready to kill themselves to give up on life being

48:53

there for them then that's

48:56

the real test of your love

49:00

as if you really love them you would want to be there for

49:02

them in their lowest it

49:09

is like think about it what

49:11

is it what does it say about you

49:14

when you wanna the

49:16

distance yourself and disconnect from someone

49:18

when they're at their lowest would

49:24

you do that to yourself would you do

49:26

that the someone you really cared about no

49:29

you'd want to beat up to they need you the most and

49:31

at that moment the

49:36

next point is helping the

49:39

other not to feel lonely the

49:46

next point validating it's feelings there's

49:50

a huge one this is

49:52

what allows for that emotional

49:54

connection see we talked about the physical connection to

49:57

can be intellectual connection of you have common intellectual

49:59

interest the can be a special connection which

50:02

really we won't even get into here that's

50:05

a whole topic in on itself but but the emotional

50:07

connection this will get highbury know the

50:12

the real to empathize either wheat

50:14

cereal the ask the a here's a magic word for

50:16

you guys the magic word when you're dealing with

50:18

women in relationships is how are you

50:20

feeling really

50:23

for you parents with kids is also

50:25

them the magic phrase memorize just memorize the

50:27

phrasing ask it alot how are you feeling

50:31

how are you feel like magic

50:33

race and then a

50:35

you ask that didn't they tell you that you gotta

50:37

listen that's important to actually care

50:39

about how they're feeling cause it's if you're like all of how are you

50:42

feeling into uses an annoyance how they're feeling like

50:44

you're really care the you really

50:46

want them se you

50:49

love and you to how they feel their feelings

50:51

will be your field their pay will be

50:53

your pain they're having severe you'd wanna know

50:56

the you care about how you feel don't you right

50:58

so of course if you if you if

51:01

they're an extension of you use carol how they feel the

51:03

you you should ask them how they feel

51:06

then listen to how they feel then

51:08

validate them how they feel as a lot of has what

51:10

happens is especially with those guys is that we

51:13

hear a girl told us how how she feels and

51:15

it was all your just been crazy or whatever that like

51:17

what you're feeling is an important detail a dismissive

51:19

minimize how the person the seals the gall that's that's

51:22

some sort of silly feeling in

51:24

case you're invalidating the felix so

51:26

it's very counterintuitive you have to have to validate

51:29

the feelings even if they're sorta like crazy

51:31

feelings that you think he shouldn't be doing

51:33

got to validate those

51:37

then i mean something like was your children are

51:40

a lot of the problem with feelings their feelings

51:42

hurt a lot from spiel interest irrational

51:44

they make no sense and it can

51:46

seem like why is this person feeling this way about

51:48

the situation like i don't feel that way so

51:50

why are they feel now ways it's a silly way to feel

51:53

like they're depressed about something they should be depressed

51:55

about

51:58

but against see what you're doing here

52:00

you're you're sorta like in forcing your

52:02

point of you and your agenda in your survival

52:06

the to them the

52:08

thing with emotions is that they're irrational a

52:11

lot of times and nonsensical

52:13

know sometimes they have legitimate messages

52:17

are communicating by la times they don't tell have to

52:19

adjust can like nonsense and

52:21

you gotta put up with that shit could you know what

52:23

when you're feeling bad lot of times think about it

52:25

when you're feel about what's had your fill a bad for kind

52:27

of stupid irrational reasons what you

52:29

will have to like hope with that

52:31

somehow you can't just dismiss that as

52:34

unimportant even though maybe

52:36

it's based on some sort of silly logic

52:39

or whatever

52:43

so to build an emotional connection gotta do that

52:45

and then you got it actually share emotions

52:52

have emotions together share

52:54

emotions the

53:01

no one of the most powerful ways to create

53:03

a feeling of lot like very practical is cry together

53:06

the ever cried together with somebody that's

53:08

like as a huge

53:11

decorate so much love you're

53:14

sharing that emotion of course doesn't have

53:16

to just be that empathizing

53:20

with the person of course is huge again

53:23

it's pain is your pain the

53:26

it's suffering is your suffering and

53:29

hearing about is suffering for

53:31

it's own sake a

53:33

lot of times the trap here is that we

53:35

care about the suffering of someone close to us

53:39

because we

53:42

just wanna quickly

53:44

help them to fix the suffering that

53:47

word are suffering because they're suffering

53:50

that's not really caring about their suffering

53:52

for it's own sake you seats as discuss the sufferings

53:55

annoying you you just want to do something does tonight

53:57

stop a real quick like

54:00

really to suffer with them the

54:03

on to the care about the

54:06

are suffering for its own sake

54:11

the next point is meeting the

54:13

other where they're at the

54:15

huge one especially

54:18

when you're dealing with people who are less conscious

54:20

and less developed a new our

54:25

you gotta meet people whether out like if

54:27

you're an adult talking to a small child that's five

54:29

years old you gotta meet the child where he that

54:32

right you gotta talk to the child in the way the

54:34

child understands not the way you

54:36

talk to an adult that's meeting the child words

54:38

add within the same thing happens it has

54:40

to happen even with like you're grown up

54:42

friends and even your spouse

54:44

and whoever else a lot of times

54:46

you any more developed than them you might understand

54:48

something deeper than them and then

54:50

you're having a conversation with them and then you'd

54:53

you're you're calling from such a high position that the

54:55

connect your speaking things to them it's

54:58

not connecting right like if

55:01

i was speaking to a drug addict i'd have to tell

55:03

like lower myself to the drug addicts level

55:06

and talk to him on that level like i couldn't be told

55:08

the drug at it like oh it's you know just

55:10

oh it's okay just tough it out and just quit

55:13

and cold turkey is gonna be

55:15

easy you know and this are talking

55:17

about metaphysics and god and love and stuff like

55:19

like that that doesn't that that's not

55:21

a level to the drug addict as that the

55:28

our adding a lot of parents struggle with this when

55:32

you try to teach something to a child the child doesn't

55:34

understand usually do not at the level

55:36

of understanding the thing you're trying to teach them personally

55:39

i struggle with isn't teaching you guys cause

55:42

a lot of example i get sort of frustrated of

55:45

in that and try to teach something high and lot

55:47

of the will try to teach or two are not are not

55:49

at that level there's a disconnect and i

55:51

kind of expect you to get it but

55:53

really what i should be doing is laurie myself to

55:55

your level meeting you where you're at sometimes

55:58

i succeed in that sometimes i feel that and

56:01

if i have to work on the next point is

56:03

understanding is forgiveness

56:08

understanding especially when they make mistakes

56:11

we're getting known for making mistakes not

56:14

holding grudges ah

56:17

not demonizing and on and moralizing

56:19

to the one you love that

56:24

you love somebody you wouldn't demonize them

56:26

even more lies them and you would

56:28

be understanding of their mistakes and you forget

56:30

them which brings

56:32

the the next point which has been patient with

56:36

this other the more

56:38

you love someone the more patient you're willing to be with them

56:42

that can you do the litmus test the

56:44

you're impatient with somebody that's the

56:46

full red flag tell you normally love them the

56:50

next point is huge i've also talked about this

56:52

and in my last episode about the

56:54

infinite gods awakening this

56:56

point is the

56:59

one of the most powerful things you can do for somebody

57:01

is seeing the god and seeing

57:04

the good in them even when they

57:06

don't seeing

57:08

their goodness underneath their selfishness

57:11

and pettiness and

57:15

the devil rays

57:19

when you can look at a devil and see the

57:21

god within that

57:23

is what a higher forms of

57:25

love that

57:27

is that how you transform and heal the devil

57:30

into the

57:32

lingo

57:35

the by seeing the good

57:37

of them even when they don't see it

57:44

when the other person's hating themselves you

57:46

can look past that when the other

57:48

person is this didn't be behaving despicably

57:51

you can look past that not get triggered

57:53

by it the as just a facade

57:55

look past that into the godhead

57:58

be behind their eyes that's

58:00

powerful that's very advanced

58:02

if you're able to do that that

58:07

could be whole episode also read their arm

58:10

the next point is recognition of its uniqueness

58:13

so this one your loving do you

58:15

recognize it's uniqueness this

58:17

one your loving is is unique in

58:19

the whole universe there's not to like it there's

58:23

only one these people

58:25

at only one of your children only one of your spouse's

58:27

you don't get a final the girl like this another guy

58:29

like this are you recognizing is unique

58:32

this or are you trying to diminish

58:34

as uniqueness and try to make it like everybody

58:36

else or did some fantasy

58:38

viewers would

58:41

diminish it's uniqueness see honoring

58:43

his unique as seats if i'm honoring

58:45

your uniqueness the

58:48

conscious entity that

58:50

you are you're going to feel

58:52

very respected and loved just from

58:54

that alone that

58:56

is where parents failed shouldered a lot is that the parents

58:59

they just don't honor the uniqueness of their children allow

59:03

the uniqueness and how they want address uniqueness

59:06

and how they you

59:08

know what hobbies their partaking in unique

59:10

this is their passions the uniqueness

59:12

in their strengths and weaknesses as

59:15

a parent you have to be very sensitive to the uniqueness

59:17

of your child the

59:19

not just treat them as a generic child not

59:21

all children are the same also

59:26

if you're a guy and you really want

59:28

to get into girl's heart like

59:30

if you want to rapidly developed love

59:32

with a girl all the best

59:34

ways to do that is too communicate

59:37

to the girls or uniqueness girl

59:41

like this would this will this will make a

59:43

girl fall love with with you

59:46

when you're getting your a compliment compliment her

59:48

all her uniqueness not

59:50

on stuff that makes are the same as other girls

59:54

yeah feud so really really

59:56

appreciate that that wrote that

59:59

will release that you automobile or yes the

1:00:04

so you can you can train yourself when you're complimenting

1:00:07

people to complement them on their uniqueness

1:00:09

and that's not just true for guys picking

1:00:11

up girls this is true like even like

1:00:13

if you're a boss and you have employees

1:00:15

and you want to have it like okay great workplace

1:00:18

culture as as the boss

1:00:21

that's not a hard to do like ask yourself what's

1:00:24

one unique thing that i appreciate about

1:00:26

each one of my employees and like actually

1:00:28

know the name of the employee than in your mind asked

1:00:31

what's unique about what's the unique like

1:00:33

a gift or talent or skill

1:00:35

or value they bring to to our organization

1:00:38

that i can appreciate and complement

1:00:40

them on forever in the future like maybe

1:00:42

this guy is like really has really great

1:00:45

says the taste and this employee

1:00:47

of mine is like really punctual always

1:00:49

on time and this employee of mine is like release

1:00:51

attention to detail oriented great

1:00:54

of that and this employee is unique

1:00:57

because of the way she dresses always

1:00:59

in an amazing middle the

1:01:01

address

1:01:05

then you communicate that to them and they're going to think

1:01:07

you're the best boss the

1:01:10

next point is generosity and kindness

1:01:14

the next point is verbal approval

1:01:16

and praise ah bonus this

1:01:20

is especially true for those people who have

1:01:22

the love language over worth

1:01:24

of affirmation that a lot of verbal approval

1:01:27

praise the next point

1:01:29

is keeping promises

1:01:34

don't make promises he can't the

1:01:37

next point is peace

1:01:39

maintaining peace lack

1:01:43

of conflict nothing kills love

1:01:45

more than conflict with this other

1:01:50

the yelling screaming of

1:01:52

course the gets down to the to physical

1:01:55

confrontation then you're done that's

1:01:57

it you've you've crossed the read the

1:01:59

ultimate red line you can

1:02:01

on cross that line but

1:02:03

even assuming you never get

1:02:05

to actual physical conflict

1:02:09

i'm just even just

1:02:11

verbal conflict is already the

1:02:13

to kill you love though

1:02:18

trying to maintain peace between

1:02:20

you and the one you love that

1:02:22

is itself sign of your

1:02:24

love if you really love someone

1:02:26

you're going to you're going to kinda like bend over backwards

1:02:29

to try to make peace with it

1:02:32

even when they come to the

1:02:35

butt heads with you you're gonna turn away

1:02:38

right it's almost like imagine like

1:02:40

one of those really like noble martial

1:02:43

artists who like

1:02:45

is like maybe a jujitsu masters of the who

1:02:47

so good that if

1:02:49

you try to like if some idiot comes to try to like fight

1:02:51

him in a bar he's not even that to engage

1:02:54

in the fight right the idiot might like run

1:02:56

at him and try to like over

1:02:58

the head with a beer bottle and this huge amount

1:03:01

of what what's he gonna do as he can like beat him up know

1:03:03

he's just feel like move out of the wages dogs

1:03:06

and peddling deflect right to

1:03:08

see wants to maintain peace the

1:03:11

he doesn't need like prove how good he is

1:03:13

how tough he is that's

1:03:17

a sign of love the

1:03:19

next point is telling the truth not

1:03:22

mine this is

1:03:24

huge and and people don't really understand

1:03:26

the significance of this good this this has like

1:03:29

they found this goes really

1:03:31

deep profound metaphysical significance the

1:03:34

the connection between true love i mean but like

1:03:37

practically that you love somebody

1:03:39

you're going to be tell them the truth out the doesn't mean

1:03:41

that sometimes you don't maybe any

1:03:46

the don't like it's complicated sometimes

1:03:48

you gotta tell a white lie but

1:03:51

like in the moment but fundamentally

1:03:53

you're relation of has to be based on truth fundamentally

1:03:57

and as soon as you lose that basically

1:04:00

all possibility for loves going to be lost you

1:04:03

can't build love on lies on

1:04:05

a foundation of lies deception

1:04:10

because there's there's actually a deep connection

1:04:12

between love and truth which i've talked about elsewhere

1:04:15

all get to that here the

1:04:18

next point is safety interest

1:04:22

if you love someone

1:04:25

then you're try to build safety and frost with

1:04:27

them you want them to be able to trust you not

1:04:30

in a way where you that exploit them but like where you're

1:04:32

maintaining that trust in perpetuity that

1:04:34

means you're never it's cashing in on the

1:04:36

trust as i costs us are going to get her to trust

1:04:38

me for the next over the years and then i'm

1:04:40

on us the i'm going to use that against

1:04:43

nothing now has the one true

1:04:45

love is your of your want to be interested maintain

1:04:47

that trust that you don't have read that for us you're

1:04:50

willing to sacrifice yourself in

1:04:52

order to maintain that for us the

1:04:54

the other can rely on you this

1:04:58

is what parents ultimately need to offer

1:05:00

their children there there during their children

1:05:02

fundamentally they're so vulnerable to trial

1:05:04

need someone in the world to trust out

1:05:06

of the eight billion people on the planet the

1:05:10

child needs at least one or two

1:05:13

people that they can just trust without

1:05:15

any doubt and

1:05:18

when the child doesn't have that one or

1:05:20

two people to they can trust no matter

1:05:22

what then that's a that's going to be a very

1:05:24

dysfunctional adults what's

1:05:26

that child grows up

1:05:31

because fundamentally what the trial was taught

1:05:33

is that they can't trust anyone the

1:05:39

next point is it

1:05:41

is a huge one seeing

1:05:44

the others realness

1:05:48

wards and shadow truly

1:05:52

as the other is we've touched on his point

1:05:54

of before but like want less underscore this

1:05:56

what i mean by seeing it's realness

1:05:59

you love of saying you want

1:06:01

to see it as it is not

1:06:04

in some improved

1:06:08

way in the future

1:06:15

and if again and next love

1:06:17

and truth because love actually

1:06:19

is true love

1:06:22

has to be a recognition appreciation

1:06:24

of the realness of existence when

1:06:26

you're looking at an object you

1:06:28

have to love it exactly as

1:06:30

it is otherwise you're not actually loving it

1:06:33

and rashly not seen the truth your

1:06:35

ass leapt the truth in this case

1:06:39

you're ashley in a position

1:06:41

of rejection of truth you're looking

1:06:43

at an object you don't like how it looks as kind of

1:06:45

ugly to you or whatever you want to be different

1:06:48

that means you're not really seeing

1:06:50

what's there

1:06:54

and you're going into fantasy you

1:06:58

can modify it that's not

1:07:00

what's in front of you

1:07:05

seeing as a truly is the

1:07:09

next point is a deep appreciation of

1:07:11

it's of this finite portion

1:07:13

of consciousness is

1:07:15

it really is right so this this takes

1:07:17

it even deeper now you're actually when

1:07:19

you're when you're looking

1:07:21

at the thing you're seeing it as a portion

1:07:24

of consciousness your

1:07:26

own consciousness and it's a finite

1:07:28

portion of it and then your appreciating

1:07:30

that cautious as for what it is like out

1:07:32

of the infinite consciousness that there is

1:07:35

this specific form

1:07:38

has the form it has it's finite

1:07:40

it has limitations the

1:07:42

york the loving it

1:07:44

as the finite form that it is you

1:07:48

recognize they can't be infinite it's

1:07:51

finite and you're loving it in

1:07:53

that capacity as a finite thing

1:07:58

that takes that really deep then

1:08:01

a final point here which is

1:08:03

really tricky his

1:08:06

accepting is selfishness

1:08:11

in other words if you love a thing

1:08:13

if you love a consciousness a finite conscious

1:08:16

assets or talk about your loving a finite consciousness

1:08:18

and other human if

1:08:20

you're loyal it by my consciousness you have

1:08:22

to accept that despite

1:08:25

i consciously the gonna be selfish the

1:08:30

not want to change that the

1:08:32

seek when people are being selfish we

1:08:35

tend to want to change that we don't like that

1:08:39

and so one of the sort of net

1:08:42

a mistake that you can make your i met a trap

1:08:44

in this in this work is like you

1:08:46

write down this whole list of all these things about

1:08:49

how to love right and then you'll go he's good

1:08:51

leo i'm in a practice somebody get really good at this

1:08:53

and then i'm on a maybe even share this list with my

1:08:55

with my family and so forth and with with my spouse

1:08:58

and my girlfriend boyfriend whatever like

1:09:00

colleagues at work and then we're

1:09:03

all going to love each other i

1:09:06

did what you do that when you're

1:09:08

loving them but then they're acting

1:09:10

selfish towards you they're not loving you back

1:09:12

then you get angry at them and

1:09:15

want to change them and you no longer lover

1:09:17

they're being selfish dicks that's

1:09:22

the real test of your love the

1:09:26

real test of your love is not your ability to

1:09:28

love someone when they're being loving towards you

1:09:30

and being selfless towards the you are the real

1:09:32

ability to love the real test of your ability to

1:09:34

love is the how

1:09:37

much can you love those people who are very unconscious

1:09:39

and very selfish that's

1:09:42

real that's true about them for

1:09:45

you to love them yet to love them as that's not

1:09:48

your fantasy of how they arts when

1:09:50

they are lines such as

1:09:52

is easy to love everybody with their lives

1:09:58

the the

1:10:00

highest form of selflessness

1:10:03

is the ability to

1:10:06

not be disturbed the

1:10:08

fully accept selfishness

1:10:13

that takes us the circle

1:10:19

that's the list

1:10:22

that's a powerful as i'll

1:10:27

be right now the power of this list and

1:10:30

but we can really simplify this

1:10:33

whole this this what was all this list about

1:10:35

really this list was really only

1:10:37

about one concept it was about

1:10:40

love equals selflessness

1:10:46

ah that's

1:10:49

all we're talking about here this is just

1:10:51

a list of ways to be selfless towards another

1:10:56

that's what love is love

1:10:58

and selflessness

1:11:00

so the more selfless you are the

1:11:02

more loving you're gonna be

1:11:06

and is also tells you why love is so fucking

1:11:09

hard why did

1:11:11

so hard a lot people ah

1:11:14

why why to parents struggle loving

1:11:16

their kids why the kids grow up with

1:11:18

abusive parents who don't love them why

1:11:21

do many children grow up in they don't even know what love is

1:11:25

why do spouses fight and know why

1:11:27

we have divorces and why do we have problems

1:11:29

at work between coworkers and bosses and

1:11:32

employees

1:11:35

why do we have family conflicts and

1:11:37

so forth all

1:11:41

these things for them to work would have to

1:11:43

be calling for a place

1:11:45

of love and fruit the

1:11:48

selflessness but

1:11:50

we're also god damn selfish and

1:11:52

full of lies and self deception and untrue

1:11:55

how can we love

1:12:00

look how simple it is it's so

1:12:02

simple it it's genius lee simple not

1:12:06

a very simple but it's very very difficult

1:12:08

to actually employment

1:12:11

and embody that

1:12:14

is the whole lot of being alive as a human

1:12:16

here is learning how to love hi

1:12:18

becoming more selfless and

1:12:25

spirituality developed this capacity

1:12:27

to love by making

1:12:29

you more godlike because

1:12:31

what is god god is is that it's selflessness

1:12:34

god is love so

1:12:40

really what i've been describing here his

1:12:45

the ideal for of love the

1:12:47

ideal form of love is what a totally

1:12:50

benevolent selfless all powerful

1:12:52

omniscient

1:12:55

being would

1:12:58

do

1:13:02

in relation to you if

1:13:08

you wanna know how to love just ask what

1:13:11

would an all powerful omniscient totally selfless

1:13:13

being how would

1:13:16

how would it treat another how

1:13:18

to treat you

1:13:21

that's it

1:13:26

that simple now

1:13:28

what breaks love the

1:13:31

following i'll give you a quick list the

1:13:34

real quick he is running at a time violence

1:13:38

abuse hate anger judgment

1:13:40

criticism fear lying

1:13:42

exploitation cheating stealing neglect

1:13:45

not making time for not

1:13:48

listening control domination

1:13:50

manipulation demonization moralization

1:13:53

blame disrespect ridicule

1:13:55

breaking promises projection gas

1:13:58

lighting not caring about they're suffering

1:14:01

punishments especially

1:14:03

punishing for making mistakes revenge

1:14:08

closed mindedness trying

1:14:11

to change the other the

1:14:13

fit a fantasy fantasy some kind of fantasy

1:14:16

and ultimately

1:14:19

selfishness

1:14:22

the selflessness makes love

1:14:26

is selflessness is love

1:14:28

selfishness great

1:14:31

love make

1:14:34

sense right it only makes sense

1:14:39

now how can you know the things i'm saying

1:14:42

are true well let's do a quick visualization

1:14:44

here just to

1:14:45

get you to feel i mean you should have already

1:14:47

intuitive if you're intuitive you should already

1:14:49

know if you're wise you should already know

1:14:52

the things i've said are dead on but

1:14:55

let's just make double

1:14:57

sure the so

1:15:00

don't do socialization you're driving but

1:15:04

if you're not driving then go

1:15:06

ahead and if you're sitting there and you're not

1:15:08

doing the important close your eyes or

1:15:10

gets go through quick visualization here

1:15:16

so

1:15:19

i'd like to imagine that you were just born

1:15:22

and your small child this little consciousness

1:15:25

that came into this larger universe

1:15:27

that is conscious your

1:15:30

mobile your

1:15:33

fragile and

1:15:36

even more importantly you have no

1:15:38

idea what's going on you don't

1:15:40

know anything you

1:15:43

don't know what's right what's wrong what's

1:15:45

safe what's dangerous like near your

1:15:47

the state of complete ignorance

1:15:54

the know really become that

1:15:56

little innocent consciousness very

1:15:59

fragile honorable imagine

1:16:02

yourself in that consciousness

1:16:06

point of view and

1:16:10

now i'm going to do some things to hear

1:16:13

and you

1:16:16

just for yourself notice how you feel

1:16:28

i'm going to criticize you i'm

1:16:31

going to judge you i'm

1:16:34

going to be angry towards yemeni yellow you

1:16:38

i'm going to lie to you the

1:16:40

to exploit you would see you i'm

1:16:42

gonna steal from you i'm going

1:16:44

to neglect you i'm not going to

1:16:46

make time for you

1:16:48

i'm not going to listen to you i'm under control you and

1:16:50

dominate you have a to manipulate

1:16:52

you are going to demonize you and moralize

1:16:54

to you're going to blame you i'm

1:16:57

going to disrespect human to ridicule you i'm

1:16:59

going to make promises that i'll break to you i'm

1:17:02

going to project upon you and gaslight you

1:17:06

i'm not going to care about your suffering and punish

1:17:08

you i'm gonna take revenge

1:17:10

on you i'm going to try

1:17:12

to change you when

1:17:15

a hate human abuse you are gonna do violence to

1:17:21

how long do you feel

1:17:25

on a scale of zero to tab

1:17:29

if i do those things to you

1:17:39

keep your eyes closed we're still visualizing no

1:17:51

shake your mind free of that enlist do

1:17:53

one more visualization again

1:17:55

imagine your a little innocent consciousness that

1:17:57

was just born you know nothing your state

1:17:59

of ignore you come into the world you

1:18:03

don't know what's going on the

1:18:05

now is try this how

1:18:08

does this make you feel

1:18:14

i'm in shower you with attention and my awareness

1:18:20

i'm going to give you lot of my time i'm

1:18:27

going to be in physical proximity to you

1:18:30

what a touch you hold you cuddle you

1:18:36

the will try to connect with you physically

1:18:39

emotionally intellectually spiritually the

1:18:43

to take good care of you i'm

1:18:45

going to care about your knees

1:18:48

i'm gonna help you meet your needs

1:18:51

the to help you to survive

1:18:56

when a shelter you from excessive suffering fear

1:18:58

and trauma

1:19:01

have your back and defend you will be loyal

1:19:04

to you i'm

1:19:06

going to take on your agenda as my own i'm

1:19:10

going to make you an extension of me i'm

1:19:14

gonna treat you as well as i would treat myself they're

1:19:19

me happy for you when you succeed

1:19:23

i'm in a one for you what you most want for yourself

1:19:25

ominous sacrifice for you and

1:19:27

work on your behalf from her support you nurture

1:19:29

you encourage germany cheerleader i

1:19:32

would encourage yourself exploration self

1:19:34

expression and self actualization i'm

1:19:38

going to respect your cock the your sovereignty of consciousness

1:19:41

the mecca try to manipulate you control you dominate

1:19:43

years or exploit you

1:19:47

i'm totally accept you and

1:19:50

never judge you

1:19:53

i'm going to value you for your sake and appreciate

1:19:55

you and see your intrinsic beauty

1:19:59

i'm not gonna need the from you and

1:20:02

i'm not going to make you a tool to satisfy

1:20:04

my own needs i'm going to respect

1:20:07

your point of view wanting to understand your point

1:20:09

of you wanted to understand you your

1:20:11

uniqueness taking the time too deeply

1:20:14

get to know you i'm not going to force

1:20:16

my agenda point of view on you i'm

1:20:19

going to listen to you care about your interests and share

1:20:21

similar interests with you i'm

1:20:24

going to develop togetherness

1:20:27

with you and collaborate you with you i'm

1:20:29

gonna be there for you when you're down and hopeless

1:20:36

i'm in be there for you when you're lonely i'm

1:20:38

going to validate your feelings

1:20:42

sharing your emotions with the empathizing with you

1:20:45

your pain is can be my pain i'm

1:20:48

going to meet you where you're at at your developmental

1:20:50

level i'm gonna forgive

1:20:52

you for your mistakes i

1:20:56

would be patient with you i'm

1:20:58

going to see the good and new even when you don't see the

1:21:00

good and yourself

1:21:05

the to be generous and kind

1:21:09

i'm going to give you verbal approval and praise

1:21:13

i'm going to compliment you on your uniqueness i'm

1:21:15

going to keep my promises to i'm

1:21:17

going to keep my peace with you avoid

1:21:21

conflict with you i'm going to tell the

1:21:23

truth to you

1:21:28

the going to be able to fully trust me and

1:21:34

i'm never going to cash in on that trust i'm

1:21:38

going to see your realness wards

1:21:41

and shadow at all as

1:21:43

you truly are i'm in a

1:21:45

deeply appreciate the finite portion of consciousness

1:21:48

that you are and

1:21:52

i'm gonna accept your selfishness whenever

1:21:56

you have the urge to be selfish

1:22:04

no ask yourself on a scale of zero to

1:22:06

ten how long do you feel open

1:22:16

your eyes the

1:22:22

on the actual as for am i asked what

1:22:25

made you feel loved as a child specifically

1:22:30

yeah this is a bit of an assignment i want to give you that a

1:22:32

simon here as well in case you missed

1:22:34

this on the forum and even if you did run the forum

1:22:37

you should still really do the simon so

1:22:39

here's your son you

1:22:42

can get a piece of paper notebook really multiple

1:22:44

piece of paper in you get to brainstorm

1:22:47

you can ask yourself the question what made you feel

1:22:49

loved as a child

1:22:53

and this basically is anywhere from eight

1:22:55

zero two age twenty

1:22:58

so consider your mom

1:23:01

your dad your siblings your friends and

1:23:03

the actions they didn't try to get really specific make

1:23:05

a detailed list here what

1:23:08

made you feel lot so you can you can find

1:23:10

specific things activities that

1:23:12

you did with these people or

1:23:14

specific phrases they told you or the

1:23:16

way you guys hung

1:23:18

out together whatever right those down

1:23:21

and then sort of do an analysis of those

1:23:24

i am and the

1:23:26

all out asshole general principles

1:23:29

the what that

1:23:31

means about how to love someone summer example you might say

1:23:33

wealth or what made me feel love when i was

1:23:36

a kid was when my mother would read to me

1:23:38

at bedtime or what really

1:23:40

made me feel loved his when my dad would bring me

1:23:42

gifts or what really made

1:23:44

me feel loved his when my dad would tell you

1:23:46

i love you or on

1:23:49

when we would go on a road trip together stuff like that

1:23:51

right so you write all those down doesn't like the specific

1:23:54

details and then you you look at those he do

1:23:56

an analysis of doesn't say okay we'll when

1:23:58

my mother was reading to me before bedtime the what

1:24:02

what is that really like what was actually what

1:24:06

was what was the love there

1:24:09

right it was really into reading of the book

1:24:11

is that really what the love was about what was always

1:24:13

like oh well it's because she was

1:24:15

there for me and giving me attention maybe

1:24:18

that's what what it was orcs it's because

1:24:20

she was really to me because i was sick and i needed that

1:24:22

i was feeling that that's what it was it was the support

1:24:26

or because she was being to me something

1:24:28

that i was interested in a so is like an intellectual connection

1:24:30

that we were for me it's like i was interested in dinosaurs

1:24:33

and she's been to me about dinosaurs even if she didn't care about

1:24:35

as or that was don't i thought

1:24:37

love from that right suit do that kind of

1:24:39

analysis the

1:24:43

that to generate your

1:24:46

list of like you should generate

1:24:48

this be the same list that i gave you against

1:24:50

is that a way to validate that or maybe you'll

1:24:52

come up with more stuff to add to the list i'm

1:24:54

not saying my listless complete all those

1:24:56

pretty comprehensive also

1:25:00

you should the as contrast to that which

1:25:02

will help you is make a list of the things that made

1:25:04

you feel unloved in

1:25:08

your family when you're growing up and for

1:25:10

many of you maybe this will be even larger list it's

1:25:14

also helps right so then you realize

1:25:16

that to feel loved is just the inverse of

1:25:18

being unloved so for example if you

1:25:20

say well i felt very on love because

1:25:23

of my dad would yell at me and beat me

1:25:25

with a belt and

1:25:27

my mom would never be home

1:25:30

the to be neglectful well

1:25:33

case and out now you know what you need

1:25:35

to do to feel loved orcs with you're raising

1:25:37

a child how to how to make him feel loved

1:25:40

you gotta do not be physically violent

1:25:42

number one i number to not be

1:25:44

neglectful the

1:25:47

guy no tell

1:25:50

me that will be a difficult assignment because i

1:25:52

honestly i'm a lot of kids didn't

1:25:54

receive much love at all when they were

1:25:56

growing up if you did consider yourself super lucky

1:25:59

and the only thanks to that you're not some dysfunctional

1:26:02

fuck and psychopath

1:26:06

there hasn't had a mental disorder but i'm

1:26:08

the and you know that that's that's that's really

1:26:11

tough the course

1:26:14

you can heal that stuff but it's critical

1:26:17

lot of work to kill and

1:26:19

you might wonder will like leo i'd never i've

1:26:21

i've never even felt love i don't even know what that is

1:26:23

i don't even know how to make a list of it i'm

1:26:27

very sorry that your childhood

1:26:29

was so limited and crippled

1:26:32

there's definitely things you can do

1:26:35

to the feel love

1:26:38

to reconnect with your love the

1:26:40

still just do this exercise or if only

1:26:42

if you just make a journalist of on things that made you feel

1:26:45

unloved just invert

1:26:47

those and you'll get the stuff that would have

1:26:49

made you feel loved that you

1:26:51

missed out on then

1:26:53

i mean what happened to use what happened to you

1:26:55

can't really change that but you can still certainly

1:26:58

turn yourself into a loving person you can you can

1:27:01

sort of jujitsu this problem and say well

1:27:03

because i've experienced how bad it is to have

1:27:06

grown up unloved i'm never going to do that

1:27:08

to my children are a number of them as subject my

1:27:10

spouse or my girlfriend or my boyfriend to that

1:27:12

same how to treat the

1:27:14

around so you can actually turn on love into

1:27:17

a motivation to love

1:27:22

the reader so

1:27:24

looking back up at this whole list that

1:27:26

i gave you have what , means to

1:27:28

have another or

1:27:31

how to use stack up that's

1:27:33

my question to you

1:27:38

consider your past relationships intimate

1:27:40

ones work relationships family

1:27:42

relationships how do you stack up how

1:27:45

good are you at loving others the

1:27:48

probably not so good see

1:27:51

her again you sort of impossible

1:27:54

list here i gave you the ideal

1:27:56

form of love and

1:28:00

this

1:28:03

ideal form of love would require that you're completely

1:28:05

selfless you'd have to be godlike

1:28:07

to love to this degree

1:28:12

the are very selfish and your very

1:28:14

finite so how can you love

1:28:16

to this degree

1:28:23

by the way have you ever wondered why relationships

1:28:25

like i'm talking about intimate relationships are so hard

1:28:29

especially intimate relationships but

1:28:32

i mean heard all relationships are hard but especially

1:28:34

them relationships are why here's

1:28:37

here's the key because

1:28:40

you are entering this relationship a

1:28:42

selfish manner to use the

1:28:45

other as a vehicle to satisfy

1:28:47

your own needs that's

1:28:50

be preconditions

1:28:52

upon which the relationship is entered

1:28:54

into at all by you and

1:28:57

probably the other two they're doing

1:28:59

the same thing from their point of you

1:29:03

you're doing this read them meeting them

1:29:06

as they are so

1:29:08

you're not really relating to them as they are

1:29:10

your relating to your fantasy of them

1:29:14

of who you need them to be to satisfy

1:29:17

all your deficiencies

1:29:22

so you that you then play this game

1:29:24

of flying to mold the

1:29:27

actual them into the

1:29:29

fantasy on

1:29:31

them that you need them to be for you

1:29:33

to feel good and

1:29:36

this is the

1:29:38

predicate for the entire

1:29:40

relationship and

1:29:43

when they fail to live up

1:29:44

your fantasy you get upset with them

1:29:46

we create conflict in fighting and

1:29:49

ultimately ah

1:29:53

it breaks up

1:30:01

credit to peter ralston for this insight this

1:30:04

is a brilliant insight into the nature

1:30:06

of relationships and why they fail

1:30:09

i learned from him but

1:30:12

a very apropos here the and

1:30:16

when you understand that that changes

1:30:18

your whole understanding

1:30:22

of what it means to create

1:30:24

a relationship specially an intimate

1:30:26

relationship this

1:30:28

bring us into the topic of conscious relationship

1:30:30

which i haven't

1:30:32

even talked about yet i've been promising an episode on

1:30:35

it and this one isn't it this is just

1:30:37

the tip of the iceberg of that i'll

1:30:39

have an episode in the future just about the

1:30:42

conscious relationships and what that is what

1:30:44

what's amazing is when you realize that most

1:30:46

human beings have no fucking idea

1:30:51

how to create the a

1:30:54

genuine relationship with

1:30:56

him or he would be this

1:30:59

completely out of most people's awareness and

1:31:01

it's not taught anywhere not

1:31:04

, school for this that thought it in a

1:31:06

in university it's like

1:31:08

it's not hot anywhere the most part

1:31:12

and yet were relating with all these people most of

1:31:14

our our lives and then we wonder why

1:31:16

fails and while so difficult

1:31:20

this is one so

1:31:22

i'll have a separate absurd about that so

1:31:25

anyways that to love love

1:31:28

is the hardest thing that

1:31:30

your i'm going to do global

1:31:32

test every fiber of you're being love

1:31:36

cannot be saved your capacity

1:31:38

to love is an honest signal

1:31:44

a selfish person isn't capable of love

1:31:50

and apply for you ladies who

1:31:53

keep struggling and struggling to find

1:31:55

a man who will love you and

1:31:57

you're wondering why really

1:32:00

hi this the self

1:32:02

absorbed man isn't cable of love

1:32:07

if you want love from your relationship genuine

1:32:10

love not a sort of fakery

1:32:13

you need to be in a relationship with a person who's

1:32:15

relatively highly developed

1:32:23

what i'm a developmental psychology here people

1:32:26

who are low other developmental psychology

1:32:29

in their moral development and their spirit of development cognitive

1:32:31

development other in their emotional development these

1:32:35

people are incapable i'm

1:32:37

loving you and

1:32:39

yet you keep dating these people for thoughts

1:32:42

of the advice years stop dating

1:32:44

materialistic on spiritual selfless service

1:32:46

men

1:32:52

that's easier said than done is done the

1:32:54

problem becomes will flee a weirdo i find these

1:32:57

spiritual selfless non

1:33:00

materialistic men and yeah that's a problem

1:33:06

it's also hard to find such women too humans

1:33:15

are not very the will develop generally speaking

1:33:18

and even the ones who pretend to be spiritual are

1:33:20

not very developed either a lot a lot of that

1:33:23

sir like spiritual of spiritual

1:33:25

people are tons just kind of front front

1:33:27

thing you know i'm guilty

1:33:29

that myself i

1:33:31

played again so

1:33:34

yeah just because someone like gives

1:33:37

off the air of spirituality does not

1:33:39

mean that they're not actually

1:33:42

selfish underneath that legs selfish as

1:33:44

a so profound that in

1:33:48

order to limit a yoga or something just how can that

1:33:50

gonna solve that problem some

1:33:53

yoga some computer and some new

1:33:55

age seminars are going to solve our problems a

1:33:58

little bit a meditation here in their cyclists other robin

1:34:00

hood is a very deep brown zoos existential

1:34:03

little problem though

1:34:07

the the bottom line is if you

1:34:09

want loving your relationships like date

1:34:12

people who are more developed then

1:34:16

where do you find these people will yeah it's hard them the

1:34:18

more developed someone is the rare that person is hired

1:34:20

as to find such people

1:34:22

i don't really have a good solution for a there other than

1:34:24

just go meet more people the more people you meet

1:34:27

the more chances you have of meeting

1:34:30

one of them who's gonna be developed and also

1:34:32

compatible with you and of

1:34:34

course that ability also has to be there just

1:34:36

because the person a spiritual developed does not mean

1:34:38

that they're compatible with you that's a separate

1:34:40

issue that needs to be looked at

1:34:44

i'm not gonna go to that here oh

1:34:47

and then you can go and try to like look for people

1:34:49

you know try to be

1:34:52

and communities are places where of more developed

1:34:54

people like to hang out that

1:34:57

that might help

1:35:01

if you're like at

1:35:03

a bar or nightclub like to find the most developed

1:35:05

people are which

1:35:09

he was over to the same to serve

1:35:11

as lot of good people look at people at bars and nightclubs

1:35:14

perforce leaders under his spiritually or

1:35:17

cognitively her mostly developed or

1:35:19

the there

1:35:23

so anyways and cat

1:35:25

in case you haven't figured out the above

1:35:27

list that list gave you this

1:35:30

is how to raise the perfect child i

1:35:33

have an older episode that i did that called how to raise

1:35:35

rock star children which

1:35:38

goes into a lot of like my ideas

1:35:41

about the psychology of raising children but

1:35:43

in a certain sense this episode here is actually

1:35:45

like even more fundamental

1:35:47

cause fundamentally what children need is is

1:35:51

the love that

1:35:53

that's the most important if you get us if

1:35:55

you want the eighty twenty rule on how to raise

1:35:57

children it's not a bunch of fancied the

1:36:00

parenting techniques it's simply love any

1:36:03

player results are just gonna come from love love

1:36:05

your children and how do you do that will you do all

1:36:07

the shit that i said above and

1:36:09

you don't do all the stuff that i said bracelet

1:36:14

that would be of course have

1:36:17

again easier said than done nothing

1:36:19

that would be easy that probably

1:36:21

one of the hardest things the old the life

1:36:24

try to live up to that list the pair

1:36:30

but also the list i gave you above

1:36:32

is how to have the perfect marriage and

1:36:40

another interesting bonus

1:36:42

you get with this list is all

1:36:44

the stuff of course that i said above applies

1:36:47

for how to love yourself

1:36:50

the go

1:36:53

back through that whole list and

1:36:55

rather than hearing me talking about

1:36:58

the loving some other like you're imagining

1:37:00

loving a child of yours or parent of yours

1:37:02

or spouse of yours or boyfriend or girlfriend a yours

1:37:04

rather imagining that this

1:37:06

will be kind of a mind fuck and real eye opener

1:37:08

for you go through watches hopes that again

1:37:11

and listen to me talking as though i'm talking

1:37:13

when i say other or it's i'm actually

1:37:16

talking about you

1:37:20

you'll be shocked the

1:37:22

how bad your at even loving

1:37:24

yourself

1:37:27

you would think was put leo were also selfish soils

1:37:29

we should all be good at loving ourselves right as and abroad

1:37:32

rog you judge yourself all the time you

1:37:34

criticize yourself all the time you

1:37:36

beat yourself up you moralize to yourself

1:37:39

you do all the shit i'm you

1:37:41

get angry or something you did you get you do

1:37:43

all the shit on that breaking love list

1:37:45

you do all that to yourself and you

1:37:47

forget to do all the stuff all the positive

1:37:49

stuff on the how to love list

1:37:53

though start by

1:37:55

practicing that on yourself and

1:37:57

then you can extend it out to others

1:38:00

once you feel the benefit of now

1:38:03

when it comes to love as

1:38:06

they say this is a candle you gotta burn from

1:38:08

both ends what i mean by this

1:38:10

i mean that really

1:38:13

i see is there's two aspects to learning hello

1:38:17

the mastering love one

1:38:20

aspect is accessing absolute

1:38:22

love through awakening and god realization which

1:38:24

i've talked about a lot in the past contemplating

1:38:27

the actual metaphysics and the existential

1:38:29

dynamics of love contemplation

1:38:31

of biases and difference how i said that

1:38:33

love love as indifference basically

1:38:36

you need you need to shift or state of conscious

1:38:38

to experience god's law realize

1:38:40

that god is love realize that your love

1:38:43

existential fine

1:38:46

the source of infinite love within you within

1:38:48

your consciousness realize that causes is love

1:38:50

realize that love is

1:38:53

equivalent to absolute truth all

1:38:55

that the you

1:38:57

can do that maybe yoga

1:39:00

or meditation but realistically going to need

1:39:02

some more powerful a psychedelic do that that's

1:39:05

like with a psychedelic come in that's burning the

1:39:07

candle from one end and then from the other

1:39:09

and what you gotta do is practice

1:39:12

what i talked about in this episode this is the more practical

1:39:14

side as as the human domain of love practice

1:39:17

love in a finite human domain

1:39:19

with your relationships practice actually

1:39:22

loving specific objects in the world

1:39:25

objects and people when

1:39:27

i say object i include people in that as well i

1:39:31

mean object in a very general

1:39:33

sense

1:39:34

it took both both are necessary

1:39:37

as you can get good it like taken

1:39:39

a psychedelic and accessing love

1:39:43

that's essentially but then when

1:39:45

you come back down from that you might even understand what

1:39:47

it isn't so forth but like very

1:39:49

poor and implementing love in your day

1:39:51

to day relationships on the other

1:39:53

hand other ovens and i would be a mistake on

1:39:56

the other hand the other mistake would be that you'd you

1:39:58

practice all the stuff in your days the light

1:40:00

of loving people and you think will good that's just

1:40:02

good at stuff get us lead me to the ultimate love

1:40:04

and the answer is that it won't the

1:40:07

want this are going to be enough you're

1:40:10

not gonna reach infinite

1:40:12

love the existential luggage

1:40:14

i can understand what love really is if

1:40:16

all you do as you're just a good parent and

1:40:18

a good friend and a good spouse

1:40:20

those are great and

1:40:23

you're like my sports actually go so well

1:40:25

in feel so good if you if you get really good at doing that

1:40:28

that you might feel a goal keith why got it

1:40:30

there's nothing more daughter said about love and

1:40:32

know you daughter said how profound lovers

1:40:36

i want you to get to the point where you realize that this thing

1:40:38

is love free to

1:40:40

realize that this thing is love this this requires accessing

1:40:43

absolute love but

1:40:46

also just because you realize that this thing as love does that mean

1:40:48

you're at loving person in your romantic

1:40:51

relationships so burn

1:40:53

the candle from both ends

1:40:57

think of how valuable to list that i gave you

1:40:59

up above is this

1:41:04

episode is giving you one of the old summit

1:41:07

master key to success in life

1:41:12

and just to make it explicit what i'm telling you it's become

1:41:15

a good lover the

1:41:17

you want to good life become a good lover not

1:41:19

at some cheap sappy way in

1:41:22

a solid authentic truthfully love

1:41:26

must be grounded in truth this requires

1:41:28

serious worth this is gonna take you decades

1:41:30

this will take you a couple of decades at

1:41:33

least

1:41:34

the get good at being of lover

1:41:37

it's really difficult is this is one of the most

1:41:40

fucking difficult things celebrity

1:41:45

but then again what

1:41:48

else is there to do in life

1:41:52

the have been better to do why

1:41:55

are you here

1:42:00

what if from

1:42:02

now on you started to look

1:42:04

at life as

1:42:10

just the training

1:42:12

ground for becoming a good lover what

1:42:15

if that's all life is what if there's nothing more

1:42:17

to life than that

1:42:21

what did you stop thinking of life as

1:42:23

some sort of biological process that's

1:42:25

happening awesome material the

1:42:28

planet circle around a material star

1:42:31

in some material big bang universe i

1:42:33

just happened by some fluke luck and

1:42:36

you don't know why you're here what you're doing and it's

1:42:38

all just meaningless and

1:42:41

it's just evolution what if you threw away

1:42:44

that stupid paradigm

1:42:46

and your new paradigm was that

1:42:51

you are a consciousness inside

1:42:55

of a training ground that you've constructed

1:42:58

for yourself and put yourself in to

1:43:01

become a good lover that

1:43:04

that's really what life and reality

1:43:06

isabel how's

1:43:11

that for paradigm shift how's

1:43:16

that for bringing you out your nihilism

1:43:21

and your meaninglessness and

1:43:23

your cynicism and your

1:43:26

rationalism

1:43:31

and your confusion about

1:43:33

what to do in life

1:43:37

what's the point of life this

1:43:39

is the point of life love is the point

1:43:42

of life so complicated

1:43:46

i am sequence you see

1:43:48

this as it

1:43:53

the list that i gave you above can be applied

1:43:55

to your intimate partner

1:43:57

to your family to your friends or coworkers she employees

1:43:59

to your in your customers to the

1:44:01

way that you do business to strangers on the street

1:44:04

to men to women to animals

1:44:06

to the planet to collectives

1:44:09

to yourself there's

1:44:12

a lot of there is an application

1:44:14

here or just think of it as romantic love

1:44:16

for example or aaron

1:44:19

thing although of course those are probably the two most obvious

1:44:22

ways

1:44:25

so much was telling wrap this

1:44:27

up by by really getting fundamental

1:44:29

hear what is love love equals

1:44:31

connection the

1:44:34

this with me love equals

1:44:36

connection love

1:44:40

equals connection think

1:44:42

of it has to droplets of water to

1:44:45

droplets of consciousness coming

1:44:48

close enough together that they start to merge

1:44:50

together into one droplets slowly

1:44:54

no like they form a little connection and

1:44:56

now cool connection grows and grows and then

1:44:59

eventually becomes one so love

1:45:03

is about reestablishing a connection between two

1:45:05

disjointed disconnected

1:45:08

last parts of consciousness that then mine

1:45:11

beach other and reconnect with each other

1:45:13

merging into a unity happy

1:45:17

ultimate extreme

1:45:19

if i'm if you love of thing you should want

1:45:22

to deepen your connection with it this

1:45:25

applies to people but also to things

1:45:33

i talk a lot about how people

1:45:36

tend to be shallow the

1:45:39

and live life in a shallow way oh

1:45:43

look here's a connection between that and love

1:45:45

they're really when you're living life on the surface

1:45:48

in a shallow way in

1:45:50

a materialistic way what you're actually doing

1:45:52

is you're not deeply connecting with

1:45:55

reality and as or spirituality

1:45:57

is people who are spiritual and motor

1:46:00

my spiritual pursuit they wanted deep

1:46:02

connection with reality because

1:46:04

you recognize the significance and miracle

1:46:06

of what life and reality arts that

1:46:08

you don't want a shallow form

1:46:11

of it you want a deep experience

1:46:13

of life

1:46:16

so then the question becomes like

1:46:20

how do i live my life the

1:46:22

who york as well i want to live a deep life to

1:46:24

the recognize the sacredness of like i want to live a deep

1:46:26

life we're i'm deeply

1:46:28

connected to reality and to myself

1:46:30

at others then the question is

1:46:32

simply okay we'll whoa what creates

1:46:34

that how do i even my connection

1:46:37

one of the things that deep in my connections and

1:46:40

what are the things that sub or that connection and

1:46:42

then it just becomes a matter of let me

1:46:44

just discipline myself to do things that deep

1:46:46

in the connection and let me let go of

1:46:49

all the things that are obstacles impediments

1:46:51

that are severing the connection and keeping me disconnected

1:46:59

today see

1:47:03

figure out like the summer so horses

1:47:08

i'm giving you the ultimate the

1:47:11

ultimate plan for how to live the best

1:47:13

like you can live

1:47:20

and you can use spirituality to deepen that connection

1:47:25

but not just that you're also gonna you

1:47:27

can also just going to do all the mundane things you do

1:47:29

that with love to

1:47:32

even the job that you get the career you how

1:47:35

that can it be about

1:47:37

deepening your connection the

1:47:39

reality so that you can love reality

1:47:42

more the you

1:47:44

know the good news is reality

1:47:48

is infinitely deep so

1:47:51

you can go as deep as you on there

1:47:54

is no limit the limit actually

1:47:57

is your willingness to go

1:48:00

how deep do you want to go how

1:48:02

deep of a connection do you want to have

1:48:08

and what kind of things do you want to connect

1:48:10

with how

1:48:18

why do you want your connection to be do

1:48:20

you want to connect with the entire universe

1:48:23

the you want to connect with every living being

1:48:25

in the universe or

1:48:30

do you want to be very picky the only connect

1:48:32

with a few little things here in there that

1:48:35

how deeply want those connections to be that's

1:48:37

all up to you you have to decide that result

1:48:43

so here's a magic question for you for

1:48:45

the rest of your life you can always ask how

1:48:48

can i connect deeper with this thing whatever

1:48:51

thing you're trying to connect to that you like

1:48:54

let's say it starts off with you just the liking it leave

1:48:57

up you have a liking for something not

1:48:59

love yet a site how

1:49:02

do you have i couldn't deeper would like let's say

1:49:04

what's the you like dinosaurs

1:49:06

okay let's start there start there dinosaurs

1:49:09

let's say you like astronomy

1:49:14

let's say you like history reading history

1:49:18

let's say you like politics let's

1:49:22

say you like sex that's

1:49:25

the you like men or women

1:49:28

that's

1:49:30

a you like children

1:49:31

for

1:49:34

you like computers so

1:49:37

you like languages

1:49:39

you can only are as as the question about

1:49:41

that is like how

1:49:44

can i collect deeper with that thing that i like

1:49:50

this question automatically

1:49:52

generates a whole project reefer your life

1:49:55

the generates a whole potential life purpose

1:49:58

for you it

1:50:02

opens up the the blueprint

1:50:04

for how you gonna create a meaningful life the

1:50:09

problem knows that it's gonna take work for

1:50:11

you to develop this deep connection

1:50:14

that takes effort that six and vest me

1:50:16

to build this deep connection over years

1:50:18

and decades there's not a

1:50:21

shallow pursuit here developing

1:50:23

this connector and don't expect this deep

1:50:25

profound on some

1:50:27

connection to just be there for you from

1:50:29

the very beginning at the beginning it

1:50:31

is sorts of something we can piddly

1:50:34

like ah just like dinosaurs

1:50:36

i just like reading some history i

1:50:38

just like some some casual why

1:50:40

night one night stand sex it starts

1:50:43

that way you got his insights okay

1:50:45

how do i deep in it

1:50:50

most people have no idea how

1:50:52

deep sex can go no

1:50:54

idea they stay

1:50:56

on the surface level of sex

1:51:01

it is it's tragic

1:51:04

really how much potential as

1:51:06

lost the connection is

1:51:08

right there's there's an independent connection

1:51:11

that you can create with almost any object

1:51:14

in reality in the universe what

1:51:16

you're not capitalizing on that

1:51:18

you're not building it my inner investing it's

1:51:20

go see some way episodes about investment

1:51:27

you

1:51:31

need to invest in building

1:51:33

these connections is what the majority of your

1:51:35

lifetime should be devoted to

1:51:38

is deepening your connection to the things

1:51:40

that you're interested in the

1:51:42

things you love

1:51:46

whether it's your family your children or

1:51:48

whatever history dinosaurs

1:51:51

whatever know if

1:51:53

you i got a source

1:51:55

and you ask the question how can i and a deeper

1:51:57

with this thing first

1:52:02

it might be like okay well let me go buy some more

1:52:04

dinosaur books you can read about dinosaurs

1:52:08

that it can be like well maybe i should go to university

1:52:10

actually study paleontology

1:52:13

and then they will why not why

1:52:15

i'm at one was there some better i to do while

1:52:17

i love answers will kiss or then in rolling university

1:52:20

to study paleontology studied theology

1:52:22

maybe source they're usually before

1:52:24

you the paleontology it's a geology and

1:52:29

then and then maybe maybe you realize when

1:52:31

it's like well fuck what

1:52:33

does means for me for me to connect with the dinosaurs

1:52:36

like i had to actually go out in the field of dig up some fucking

1:52:38

dinosaurs find a new dinosaur

1:52:41

the not becomes your life purpose

1:52:43

and then you start to love your life but you see

1:52:46

to get to the point where you should go out and dig up dinosaurs

1:52:48

for a living get paid for it and so forth

1:52:51

this is not something you do in a weekend this this

1:52:54

takes cultivation this takes long

1:52:56

term investment i

1:52:59

have been a book called the why

1:53:02

valuable things required best mid

1:53:04

over time go wash set up because this

1:53:06

is exactly what i'm talking about here we're connecting

1:53:08

that with love

1:53:11

and i would have another episode of the future that i'm already

1:53:14

that already planned about more the more talk

1:53:16

needs to be more needs to be

1:53:18

said about investing you guys are

1:53:20

so bad as investing in yourself the

1:53:24

a lot more say about that but anyways so like

1:53:28

it it like for you to become

1:53:30

like a dinosaur hunter as your life purpose

1:53:32

or whatever the

1:53:34

gonna take the a decade of of development

1:53:40

that again do have something better to do

1:53:43

the upcoming more that you love if you if there's something more you have

1:53:46

an ad and go do that the

1:53:48

brom that people are not developing these connections

1:53:50

and therefore they are not loving their lives

1:53:52

and therefore they're not yeah

1:53:56

they're miserable it also they can't generate much value

1:53:58

for the world to was winter the boy your ass

1:54:01

that hokey jittery valuable we can't

1:54:03

work really hard you're

1:54:07

not your best love

1:54:10

is what puts you at your best when

1:54:13

you're in love when

1:54:15

you're loving

1:54:17

that's when you're at your best

1:54:22

whatever you love it doesn't matter what is consciously

1:54:25

work to connect deeper with it lack

1:54:31

of love is equal to disconnection separation

1:54:33

division and partiality romantic

1:54:37

love as a desire to unite a

1:54:40

feeling of union and connection between two

1:54:42

separate parts of consciousness

1:54:46

romantically you want to be in union but also

1:54:49

there's a balance they are you want to maintain your

1:54:51

autonomy and you want to survive as the individual

1:54:53

self that's why romance

1:54:55

is so tricky cars on the one hand

1:54:57

you want to merge together on the one

1:55:00

on the other hand you want to maintain

1:55:02

autonomy and balancing

1:55:04

that is the difficult the

1:55:07

luck with that

1:55:16

think of love as care for some part of

1:55:18

reality which isn't part

1:55:20

of your separate self yet then

1:55:25

as you love you bring it into the fold

1:55:28

of yourself an hour and

1:55:30

through this process your your it

1:55:32

seems like you're bring it in but actually what's happening

1:55:35

is that it's liked your bring you closer to you

1:55:37

and then you have to bring yourself closer to it's

1:55:39

will actually you're expanding the on bill up of your

1:55:41

identity himself to encompass that

1:55:43

thing like we talked about the

1:55:45

beginning in that expands

1:55:48

yourself the not

1:55:50

expands you love forces

1:55:52

you to grow love forces you to confront

1:55:55

all of the obstacles that are preventing you from

1:55:57

loving deeper

1:56:02

love is you could think

1:56:04

of love as the fuel

1:56:06

for personal development why are you doing

1:56:08

person development what are you developing towards

1:56:11

why are you expanding yourself why are you

1:56:13

growing what does it mean to grow as a human the

1:56:17

water the

1:56:20

more money almost

1:56:26

no the to

1:56:30

develop and expand your capacity

1:56:32

to love that's what growth is

1:56:41

think of love

1:56:43

as equivalent to careful other here

1:56:47

beyond yourself

1:56:51

the care for another genuinely of to expand

1:56:53

yourself

1:56:58

and the smaller and more limited

1:57:00