0:04

Welcome to the attention deficit disorder

0:06

expert podcast here base by

0:08

ADDitude Magazine.

0:15

Hi, everyone. My name is Annie

0:17

Rogers. And on behalf of the ADDitude

0:19

team, I'm pleased to welcome you to

0:21

today's conversation. It is

0:24

part two in a two part series

0:26

titled when ADHD triggers

0:29

emotional outbursts scripts

0:32

for your flash points. Leading

0:34

today's presentation is good

0:36

friend of attitude, doctor Sharon

0:39

Sveen. Doctor Sveen is a

0:41

clinical psychologist and author

0:43

of the award winning book, what your

0:45

ADHD child wishes you new,

0:48

working together to empower kids

0:50

for success in school and life,

0:53

and the ADHD Solution Desk.

0:56

She specializes in working

0:58

with children teams, emerging

1:00

adults, and families living with

1:03

ADHD as well as anxiety,

1:05

learning disabilities, autism, twice

1:08

exceptionality and other mental health

1:10

issues. Her unique

1:12

perspective as a sibling in

1:15

an ADHD home combined with decades

1:17

of experience as a clinical psychologist

1:19

and educator, clinician and

1:21

consultant assists certain guiding

1:24

families and adults toward effective communication.

1:27

And closer connections. Doctor

1:30

Sling lectures and facilitates workshops

1:32

internationally on topics such

1:34

as understanding ADHD. Executive

1:37

functioning, anxiety, motivation, different

1:40

kinds of learners, and the team

1:42

brain. She's a

1:44

regular contributor here at ADDitude

1:47

and also for psychology today

1:50

dot com. She's a featured expert

1:52

on mass appeal, WWLPTV,

1:56

and a part time lecturer at the Smith School

1:58

for Social Work. Her writing

2:00

has been featured in MSN, the

2:03

psychotherapy networker, Smith

2:05

College studies in social work, attention

2:08

magazine, psych central, inquirer

2:11

dot com, all over ADDitude,

2:14

and you can learn more about her at

2:16

WWWDR

2:19

sharon celine dot com.

2:23

We received more than thousand

2:26

questions and comments ahead

2:28

of today's webinar. Some

2:31

of those came during part one

2:33

of this series. So if you're listening

2:36

and you missed part one or you would like

2:38

a refresher, I recommend going

2:40

back and listening to that

2:43

webinar. It is ADHD

2:45

experts podcast episode

2:48

number four twenty six, and we have

2:50

actually linked it from the attitude magazine

2:52

I'm sorry, attitude mag dot com. Homepage

2:55

right now, so you can find it there as well.

2:57

Go back and listen to it another time. You

2:59

don't need it for today's conversation, but

3:02

it is chalked full of really

3:04

great insight and advice. Today,

3:07

we will be focusing on addressing all

3:09

of your questions. About

3:11

intense emotions and how to manage

3:13

them. So Sharon is gonna guide

3:16

us through the challenges

3:18

of emotional dysregulation, offer

3:20

us ideas and tools to help us

3:22

avoid doing or saying things we might

3:24

later regret. We're gonna

3:27

work on getting a hold of our emotional reactions

3:29

with less stress and

3:31

more compassion. So that is our

3:33

mission for today. And

3:35

we will begin with just a little

3:38

level setting. We're gonna ask a poll

3:40

question for our live audience.

3:42

We would like to know what

3:44

are your emotional triggers.

3:48

Just please select your answers and you

3:50

can comment in the text box if you wanna tell

3:52

us more. And then you'll

3:54

see the results when you submit your response and we'll

3:56

go over them. At the end.

3:59

So I'll point out while you do that, you can submit

4:01

questions at any time during a live event.

4:04

You can also download the slides

4:06

by clicking on the Events Resources section

4:09

in the webinar screen. If

4:11

you're interested in the certificate of attendance,

4:14

just look for those instructions in an email

4:16

about an hour after we wrap us,

4:19

and we will also have a transcript available

4:21

in the coming week. So

4:24

if you are listening in replay or podcast

4:26

mode, you're gonna visit attitude mad

4:28

dot com and search for podcast number

4:31

444I feel like that's

4:33

a lucky number. To access the

4:35

slides, webinar replay, your speaker

4:37

attendance, and all that other good stuff.

4:40

If you support the work we're doing here at ADDitude,

4:43

we encourage you to visit attitude mag

4:45

dot com slash subscribe and

4:47

sign up for attitude magazine

4:50

to share with your family a

4:52

teacher a loved one anyone who could

4:54

benefit from greater ADHD understanding.

4:58

Finally, last item. We

5:00

would like to thank our sponsor

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for today's webinar. It is play attention.

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a free one on one consultation. You

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can also visit play attention dot

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com to learn more. ADDitude,

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thanks our sponsors for supporting these

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free webinars. Sponsorship has

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no influence on speaker selection

5:56

or webinar content. Okay.

5:59

All that's out of the way now. I can

6:01

formally welcome, Sharon.

6:04

Thank you so much for being here and for leading

6:06

part you of this discussion on

6:09

Flashpoints.

6:11

Thank you so much for having me for that

6:13

lovely introduction, and it is wonderful

6:16

to be here. As always. I'd

6:18

like to start by reviewing some of

6:20

the common themes that

6:23

we saw in the questions

6:25

from the last the

6:28

last webinar. And those were

6:30

triggers and causes of reactivity, calming

6:33

techniques for emotional regulation, workplace

6:36

and relationship issues and

6:39

rejection sensitivity dyspnea.

6:41

Next slide, please. What

6:43

I'm going to talk about today is I'm going to

6:46

look, you know, I'm bringing up some of the slides that

6:48

may look a little familiar from last time.

6:50

And then the questions that are related to

6:52

them because some of you may or may not

6:54

have attended, you know, my

6:56

my webinar in October.

6:59

So all of us know what

7:01

it's like when the switch

7:03

flips. And suddenly there's this

7:05

volcano of anger and

7:07

negative emotions that erupts.

7:10

And before you know what's happening, you might

7:12

say or do things that you'll

7:14

surely regret later, but can't

7:16

stop. And this is particularly true

7:20

for kids and adults with

7:22

ADHD and also very true

7:25

for women who are going through perimenopause. In

7:27

fact, many years ago, I saw Russell Barclay

7:30

speak out here in Western Mass, and

7:32

he said going through Perry Manopause was actually

7:34

like having ADHD. In

7:37

terms of the changes, the

7:39

chemical changes that are happening in the brain,

7:42

which made me laugh a lot at the time

7:44

because that was

7:47

very true. Sadly,

7:50

true for me. So

7:52

relationships and school and

7:54

work can be all affected by

7:56

emotional dysregulation. So

7:58

what we're going to talk about today is a

8:00

little bit about why this occurs. But

8:03

mostly about what you can do differently.

8:06

So now the flip side of the emotional

8:08

intensity and outbursts that come

8:11

with living with ADHD is a natural

8:13

excitement for things and enthusiasm,

8:17

passion Some people

8:19

are extroverted, some people are introverted,

8:22

but there's there's there are things that they love

8:25

they really love. And so when

8:27

we look at this as two sides of the

8:29

same coin, and this is what actually happens

8:31

in our brains, which I'll show you in a minute,

8:34

It's like the energy can be transformed. It

8:36

can be transformed from Ugh.

8:38

You know, this is so horrible. Nothing's

8:41

going right. I'm so frustrated

8:44

to let

8:46

me consider what could go right instead

8:48

of focusing on what could go wrong or what is

8:50

going wrong. So

8:52

today, we're gonna look at how to identify

8:55

some of these triggers, little tiny

8:57

bit about the biology of activation and

8:59

create strategies in advance

9:02

for dealing with these eruptions,

9:04

these intense feelings that include

9:07

body based awareness, collaboration

9:10

and compassion for each other. So

9:13

some of the reactivity habits that

9:16

we see are things like denial, blame,

9:19

attacking, contempt, catastrophizing,

9:24

even escalating things,

9:27

provocations, And what we

9:29

want to do instead of react is

9:31

to learn how to respond, to

9:33

consciously create habits of

9:35

response. So responsive

9:37

habits include self awareness

9:40

about biological signals related

9:42

to those triggers. That you're

9:45

becoming dysregulated and choosing

9:47

a soother or a break instead

9:49

versus an intensifier response.

9:54

Taking time to settle, owning

9:56

your part, listening and

9:58

seeking ways to make amends and move

10:01

forward. So when we deny,

10:03

when we blame, when we

10:05

are defensive, we're just throwing fuel

10:08

on a growing fire. That's happening

10:10

between you and that

10:12

either an issue that's going on for

10:14

you in your life or with another person.

10:18

So how does the ADHD anger

10:20

connection work? And this would be also

10:22

true for the ADHD anxiety connection.

10:25

Or the ADHD intense sadness

10:27

connection. So what happens

10:29

is that we perceive sensory information

10:32

to our five senses and it goes

10:34

through the thalamus in the brain

10:36

and then to the thinking brain or the

10:38

emotional brain depending on what the thalamus

10:41

perceives. If a

10:43

threat is perceived, then

10:45

the thalamus will

10:47

send that that that

10:49

that if if the if the

10:52

sensory information contains

10:54

things that could be threatening, the amygdala

10:57

will perceive this danger and

10:59

then move into fight fight or

11:01

freeze response. Before the

11:03

prefrontal cortex, our executive

11:05

functioning skills can overrule it.

11:08

So what happens is, which,

11:10

you know, we get this amygdala hijack

11:12

that Danielle Chisegal talks about, or

11:14

what I like to call the amygdala takeover.

11:17

It sets off a release of stress

11:19

hormones, adrenaline, which we

11:22

also know is epinephrine and cortisol.

11:25

And this pattern takes about

11:27

six seconds, that release

11:29

of those stress hormones. Interestingly,

11:32

it takes the body twenty

11:35

minutes to recover from

11:38

the massive amounts of signals

11:40

it's getting to, you know, tense up

11:42

their muscles to start perspiring

11:44

to cool the body down, to,

11:48

you know, increase heart

11:50

rate, to increase blood flow. To slow

11:53

down digestion, so maybe feel little nauseated

11:55

or you have to go to the bathroom, etcetera, etcetera.

11:58

Many of the threats that we face today,

12:00

not all, but many are more

12:02

symbolic than the physical ones

12:04

are brains evolved to deal

12:06

with. So this

12:08

means that for people with ADHD who

12:11

have often have working memory challenges.

12:15

These working when memory challenges reduce

12:18

our capacity for emotional regulation.

12:21

They're linked. People with stronger

12:24

working memory are better

12:27

at managing and controlling their

12:29

emotional reactions. When

12:31

the prefrontal cortex goes offline,

12:34

emotions are ruling the brain.

12:36

So I like to think of it like think of it

12:39

as a VW bug, but you could think of it as a

12:41

Tesla. You know, in the very back,

12:43

in the trunk, back here, in

12:45

our is our physiological brain, our reptilian

12:48

brain and that's making sure we're

12:50

breathing and, you know, there's

12:52

blood flowing etcetera. In the middle

12:54

of the brain is our emotional brain that's

12:56

where our limbic system is. It's off of

12:58

this also, you know, can be the seat of

13:01

memory and on the left side language.

13:03

And then in our front the front part of our

13:05

brain, the prefrontal cortex

13:09

is where is where our executive functions

13:11

are. It's the human part of the brain, the thinking

13:14

part of the brain. And so when

13:16

the prefrontal cortex goes offline

13:18

because emotions, the amygdala is

13:20

now coming out of the

13:22

back seat of the car where it really should

13:24

live in the middle of the brain and

13:26

basically elbow wing the prefrontal cortex

13:29

away from driving and it starts to drive

13:32

you everywhere, all in a

13:34

crazy pattern. There's

13:36

limited verbal and behavioral impulse

13:39

control. So the amygdala cannot

13:42

distinguish between physical and

13:44

emotional threats, so persistent

13:46

stress at work, at home or

13:49

at school can trigger the amygdala to

13:51

automatically respond before

13:54

your frontal lobes can provide any

13:56

large legal reasoning to that situation.

13:59

And this is very important to understand.

14:02

So the next question would be,

14:04

next slide, please. So

14:07

there are some questions related to emotional

14:09

regulation. So the first question

14:12

is how can I recognize my

14:14

triggers? Someone asked,

14:16

is the ABC antecedent behavior

14:18

consequence format useful? I

14:21

believe that the best way that you can

14:24

recognize your triggers, is

14:27

connecting the triggers to a physiological

14:30

response in your body. And we all

14:32

have this. So take a minute and think about it.

14:34

Does your stomach? Do you get a little knot in your stomach?

14:36

Does your your do you get a little tightness in your

14:39

chest? Are you are you gripping your

14:41

jaw? Maybe you're you're perspiring

14:43

a little bit? So we want to start

14:45

to recognize that there's a physiological change

14:48

first and foremost because

14:51

that is the sign that

14:53

something is off. That

14:55

is the sign that we need to

14:58

pay attention, that we are moving

15:00

into a there's a disturbance

15:03

somewhere in our field that

15:05

could then lead us to not just activation

15:07

but being on high alert. Question,

15:11

what about when you shut down and struggle

15:13

to articulate that you need a moment?

15:15

So this is a really great question. Because

15:17

what happens in fight fight or freeze,

15:20

sometimes is freeze. And interestingly

15:22

yesterday, I was doing a session with a client,

15:26

who has a lot of social

15:28

anxiety and very low self esteem.

15:31

And we were talking about

15:34

the fact that she's really struggling to

15:36

look for a job. And it

15:38

was not an in person session because of

15:40

the weather, and I could see her

15:44

this freeze reaction, it was

15:46

like a deer in headlights, and

15:48

there was a way that she had just

15:50

checked out. And I said,

15:52

what's happening? Where are you? And

15:54

she said, I don't know. I can't

15:56

talk and I can't remember anything that you're

15:59

saying. And I said, okay. Let's

16:01

start with breathing. And

16:03

she just started to cry. She

16:05

was having so much anxiety that

16:07

she would do the wrong thing in writing

16:09

this follow-up email that

16:12

she shut down. So

16:14

we want to recognize when

16:17

we're we're we're we're

16:19

activated, while we're triggered, and that

16:21

we might need something to do

16:23

to slow our slow the process

16:26

down. I personally can't don't

16:28

like being told to calm down. Someone

16:31

asked, what did you say instead of calm down is the

16:33

next question? Right? So what we

16:35

wanna do is we have to slow

16:37

down. We need to slow the reactivity.

16:39

So what's gonna help you slow down?

16:41

Or let's take a minute and call and

16:44

call pause here. You're you're kind

16:46

of revving up and we you know, I'd really

16:48

would appreciate it as your partner if

16:50

we could just slow it down a little bit.

16:52

Because people can understand slowing

16:55

down or settling a bit. But

16:57

calming, when you tell someone

16:59

who's your partner, to calm down.

17:02

There's a power dynamic that's

17:04

implied. I partner and calm

17:06

and have everything under control and you,

17:08

person with ADHD, are whacked.

17:10

And that is not going to

17:12

bode well for a

17:15

productive conversation or

17:17

working together or or

17:19

being able to act

17:22

as a team? And

17:24

the final question is, How do I appropriately

17:27

handle emotional, angry, Outbursts

17:30

of ADHD, especially when

17:32

my meds are starting to wear off? So

17:34

when people who take stimulants transition

17:38

off their medication, and this is particularly true

17:40

for kids and sometimes for adults, we

17:43

call this the witching hour. So

17:45

it it's like the the medication

17:47

is wearing off. The brain is

17:50

you know refocusing and

17:52

and and processing the the

17:56

the sort of drags of what's

17:58

left. And it can there

18:00

can be a need to restabilize.

18:03

So we want to plan in advance

18:06

for those moments. That that

18:08

those are times that are not good times

18:10

maybe to have, you know, a

18:12

sit down meeting with your boss. Or

18:15

those are times where you're

18:17

not going to try to correct your child's

18:19

behavior or give them

18:22

things that they really don't like doing.

18:24

Because their ability to sort of

18:26

wrangle themselves and apply themselves

18:29

at that moment isn't really going

18:31

to be super successful.

18:34

Need a little time to sort of make the

18:36

transition into the next phase.

18:38

And to talk in a calm moment

18:41

about what sorts of things you

18:43

can do to do during

18:45

those transitions that will help

18:47

soothe and settle them. Next

18:49

slide, please. So

18:51

I want to see something about ADHD

18:55

rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which

18:57

I'm going to call RSD. And emotional

19:00

reactivity. Many

19:02

people with ADHD also have

19:04

rejection sensitivity. And

19:06

this is a common co occurring

19:08

condition. I know that Dr. Dodson

19:11

has spoken about this on attitude. It's

19:13

not a formal diagnostic category.

19:16

It refers to intense feelings

19:18

related to the belief that

19:21

you've let other people down. Embarrassed

19:24

yourself, failed at something, or made

19:26

a serious, unfixable mistake.

19:29

And as a result, people

19:31

will pull back their love or

19:33

respect or their support.

19:36

RSD causes extreme emotional

19:39

pain that can plague both children and

19:41

adults, even when no

19:43

actual rejection has taken

19:45

place. So it is deeply

19:47

connected to social anxiety. Because

19:50

social anxiety is related

19:52

to the core belief of I'm not good

19:55

enough and of fear that

19:57

people are judging you in a particular

19:59

way that they're thinking these negative thoughts

20:01

that you've created in your head that you're now

20:03

projecting onto them. So

20:06

people with RSD struggle to let

20:08

go of past hurts and

20:10

experience heightened emotional sensitivity.

20:14

They may hold on to unkind words

20:17

or actions for months or years.

20:20

And it's especially tough for these

20:22

people to recover from personal criticism

20:25

or rejection. And

20:28

living, you know, this kind of one down

20:30

position will intensify their

20:32

feelings and exacerbate shame.

20:37

Next slide, please. So

20:39

what are some techniques for managing RST?

20:43

So we want to consist

20:45

instantly nurture your strengths and

20:47

focus as much as possible on what

20:49

you love to do and you do well. Pay

20:51

attention to your positive efforts.

20:54

Write down those three good things or

20:56

good enough things before you go

20:58

to bed or share, you know,

21:00

happy and a crappy at the dinner table

21:02

with your family or a rose

21:04

and a thorn or high and a

21:06

low. We want to really

21:09

we're nurture maybe two highs and a

21:11

low. So to start to shift

21:13

the perspective to what actually is working.

21:16

Practice taking a pause before

21:19

responding to a question

21:21

by saying, well, that's really a good question. Let

21:23

me think about it. I'll get back to you, or that's

21:25

a good piece of feedback. Because otherwise,

21:28

you're gonna get kinda sucked in to

21:31

to a dynamic that could call that could

21:33

be hurtful to you and you wear and

21:35

one in which you may not be responding in

21:38

the in way that you would like. And you

21:40

want to check things out before coming to

21:42

a conclusion. Maybe run something

21:44

by someone else, a friend,

21:47

a partner, apparent

21:49

if you're watching and you're, you know, a teen

21:51

or emerging adult, someone who,

21:54

you know, who's ADDitude

21:57

really you really value

21:59

maybe it could be a therapist or a

22:01

coach, someone who can help you take

22:03

some perspective. You

22:06

want to quit taking things personally. A

22:08

lot of times, we take things personally that

22:10

aren't about us. I was just reading

22:12

about Lisa De Moore's new book. And

22:14

in her book, she talks about, you know,

22:16

how why living with teens can be so challenging

22:18

because they're in the externalization business.

22:21

They project things onto you. They'll come

22:23

dump their whole set of worries

22:25

and concerns from in

22:28

my house, it was always at ten o'clock at night.

22:30

And and then they'll go away feeling

22:32

much better and then you feel bad. I

22:34

personally call this the importexport business.

22:37

They export a new import. And

22:39

so when we what

22:41

happens for people who have RSD

22:44

is they are constantly living in the import

22:46

business. So they're taking things

22:49

on that may not actually

22:51

refer to them or be about them.

22:53

So, you know, in a in a in any

22:55

kind of situation as my dad would

22:57

say there's three sides to every story,

23:00

yours, mine, and the truth. And, you know,

23:02

we can never get to objective truth

23:04

because it's just not possible, but

23:06

we want to make room for both sides

23:08

of the story. And a lot of times

23:10

people with RSD are only focused on

23:13

what they've done wrong. They can't even

23:15

imagine that there's another side.

23:19

Use the star plan. We're

23:21

gonna talk about that in a minute, which is

23:23

stop, think, act, and recover. So

23:26

that you have prearranged tools like

23:29

time, a parts, relax station techniques

23:31

or other healthy self soothing activities,

23:33

when you're feeling these

23:36

intense emotions go for

23:38

a run listen to music,

23:40

talk with a friend, maybe do

23:43

some knitting or cooking or whatever

23:45

it is you like. What

23:47

often happens for people as they drop into

23:49

this shame spiral. They're unable to

23:51

forgive themselves for somewhat

23:53

whatever happened. And they're it's

23:55

much easier for them to forgive others.

23:57

So we want to practice self

24:00

compassion. So you wanna

24:02

talk to yourself and treat yourself

24:04

the way you would talk to and treat

24:07

a third grader with a skin knee

24:09

or if your dog got his foot

24:13

caught in a trap. We

24:15

don't talk to ourselves that way so

24:17

much of the time, and this is particularly true

24:20

for women. And so

24:22

we want to come up with some statements like

24:24

I'm stronger than I think or

24:26

I'm sensitive and that's one

24:29

of my better traits, something

24:31

like that. Next slide, please.

24:35

So we're going to improve self

24:37

regulation, which is related

24:40

of course to RSD

24:42

with what's called metacognition. So

24:45

metacognition is the last of

24:47

the executive functioning skills to

24:49

coalesce. In neurotypical brains

24:52

around twenty five and around twenty

24:54

eight and people with

24:56

ADHD. And metacognitive

24:59

thinking is a powerful tool

25:01

that helps you acknowledge problems

25:04

without succumbing to a failure mentality

25:07

or giving up. It's a way to

25:09

focus on continued learning and

25:11

improving efficiency and problem

25:14

solving and identifying tools

25:16

and resources. It's

25:18

a it's a process related to self

25:21

awareness and it's considered a

25:23

key executive functioning skill because

25:25

it governs behavioral output

25:27

and is tied to emotional control.

25:33

So we want to be able to

25:35

develop this self awareness and

25:37

and build self awareness in our kids

25:40

from early on by asking

25:42

questions like, how do I think I'm doing?

25:45

What's helped me before that I could apply

25:47

to this situation? What is

25:49

the impact of my words or behaviors

25:52

on others? What are their

25:54

faces or bodies showing me?

25:56

We want to understand how

26:00

we are in relation to others

26:03

and build that skill. So

26:05

instead of asking, why can't I do

26:07

this? Differently. We

26:10

want to ask how can

26:12

I do this differently? And what

26:14

support do I need to make this happen?

26:17

So here are some questions. Next slide

26:20

related to RSD and metacognition.

26:23

One person asked What are some strategies

26:26

for managing RSD for myself

26:28

and my teen daughter? So

26:30

it is because ADHD is

26:33

highly inheritable, almost

26:36

somewhere between forty five percent and fifty

26:39

percent of fifty five percent.

26:41

So around fifty percent of adults

26:43

with ADHD have at least one

26:45

child with ADHD. Strategies

26:49

for managing RSD with a

26:51

teen daughter who also has RSD,

26:54

I think would best be started with a

26:56

collaborative station. Like,

26:58

hey, you know, I'm sensitive to

27:00

some of the things you say to me. And I

27:02

notice, and you're sensitive

27:04

to some of the things I say to you. And

27:06

sometimes I'm sensitive to things other people

27:09

say to me like my sister or

27:11

such and such a friend and you

27:15

know, does this happen to you? And who does it

27:17

happen with, or I know, observed that it happens

27:19

with so and so? So what can

27:21

we do that would sit down to help

27:23

us in these moments. And then we're gonna

27:25

go through some of the things that I just had on the

27:27

previous slide. You know, what are

27:30

ways that you can manage RSD. You

27:32

have to really counter

27:35

the negative thinking, the shame

27:37

spiral. It's all my fault.

27:40

No one's ever gonna like me ever again

27:43

with a a actually more

27:45

realistic and helpful part

27:47

of yourself. You might wanna

27:49

create a name for that part of yourself

27:52

in in in in contradiction to

27:54

that Gremlin who's eating

27:57

away at your self esteem. But

28:00

you want to be able to have some

28:02

phrase some go to phrases You

28:04

want to be able to have some go to self

28:07

soothers. So when I'm feeling sensitive

28:09

or when I'm feeling bad about what someone

28:11

said to me, I'm going to

28:13

try to do this, to

28:16

shift my mood, or I'm gonna talk to

28:18

so and so. So we wanna have

28:21

some self soothe we wanna have some self

28:23

soothing phrases and some self

28:25

soothing activities. And then

28:27

we want to have someone where we could check

28:29

something out. K? Someone

28:32

told me this. I'm feeling pretty devastated.

28:36

I know I'm overreacting. What

28:39

are some other options for

28:41

a more balanced

28:43

response? The next question,

28:46

how can I nurture radical self acceptance

28:49

and encourage it as a daily default

28:51

to help myself? So this is also

28:53

a great question. As

28:56

I said, we often are

28:58

very mean to ourselves. We have

29:01

a voice in our heads It

29:03

could be your gremlin. It could

29:05

be, you know, one of my clients

29:07

calls as stupid, Steve. And,

29:11

you know, some part of yourself that is

29:13

just kinda beats you up.

29:15

And it beats up this other part of yourself

29:17

that is you know, smart and creative,

29:20

and loyal, and a good friend. And

29:22

so what we want to do is

29:24

to, you know, strengthen

29:27

this that other part of yourself and

29:30

really kind of take away some of the power

29:32

of that negative voice. And

29:34

so radical self acceptance is

29:36

being able to say to yourself, yes,

29:40

I I'm not good with time management.

29:44

So I'm I'm using some tools

29:46

to help me, and I'm asking for

29:48

some positive feedback from my colleagues when

29:51

they notice I get to work within

29:53

fifteen minutes of of

29:55

when I should. Because that's progress for

29:57

me as opposed to thirty or

29:59

thirty five. So we

30:01

really want to be able to

30:05

have some structures that

30:07

we put in place. So one is

30:10

for giving yourself for your humanness.

30:13

We all have warts. We

30:16

all stumble. I struggle so

30:18

much with emotional regulation. With

30:21

one of my children. And I still struggle

30:23

sometimes. I have very intense feelings.

30:26

And I wish I didn't. I wish I had a brain

30:28

that could be more less

30:31

reactive when I get feedback from

30:34

a colleague that they're doing something and I wasn't

30:36

included instead of, you know, having

30:38

a little counting session. You

30:42

know, which I'm not

30:44

proud to say, but sometimes I do that.

30:46

And, you know, that's something that I need

30:48

to work on. And I was talking about it with a

30:50

friend of mine who also has ADHD.

30:53

And he said, all you need to say

30:55

is, you know what? This is a this

30:57

was a great thing the

30:59

next time you're considering doing something, would

31:02

you be willing to reach out to me? would love to

31:04

participate. And I loved it because he

31:07

flipped it on his head. And I was like,

31:09

oh my god. You're so right. That's a

31:11

much better way to deal with it. So we

31:13

want to nurture our self acceptance

31:16

by having allies who help us

31:18

encourage the parts of ourselves that

31:21

are different coping strategies. We

31:24

want to practice meta cognition and

31:27

teach it to your kids through

31:29

the act of just developing self

31:32

awareness. How is it going

31:34

using this? What could you do differently?

31:37

You know, now if you think about it, what

31:39

would you have liked to have said in this situation

31:41

instead of what you did? So these

31:43

are things that we wanna think about. For

31:46

ourselves and with our kids. I

31:48

like to encourage take back of the

31:50

day, which gives

31:53

kids an opportunity to say, I

31:55

shouldn't have said that ADDitude

31:57

take it back and it can give you the same

31:59

option. So you take it back

32:02

as instead of holding

32:04

onto it. For

32:07

too long. And then you're

32:09

that develops an awareness of wow, you

32:11

know, maybe that wasn't the best

32:13

response. For all of us.

32:15

It wasn't effective, it didn't, it wasn't actually

32:18

true to who I am, etcetera. Next

32:20

slide, please. So I talked

32:22

earlier about my star approach. And

32:26

so in my book, I talk about

32:28

the five c's, of ADHD parenting.

32:30

I kind of think it's the five c's of

32:32

of living well with ADHD, which is

32:35

practicing self control compassion,

32:39

collaboration, consistency, and

32:41

celebration. So our goal

32:43

with this this this intense

32:45

feelings is to slow things

32:48

down. So that's a stop. You're

32:50

gonna talk in advance about what

32:52

your time apart is gonna be, what

32:54

activities might be available. Some

32:57

families I work with go to the Dollar Store

32:59

and create a comedy down box with special

33:01

things that only come. For for this

33:03

time apart. Some families

33:05

make a list. You can play

33:07

with you can, you know, take the dog for a walk.

33:10

Maybe you wanna cuddle with the cat. Maybe

33:12

you wanna go into your under your one

33:14

of my clients like to go. She had bed that was, like,

33:16

off the ground this much. She likes to go under her

33:18

bed. Turn on her special flashlight

33:21

and read to settle herself.

33:23

So what are you gonna do during this

33:26

stop? And how are you going

33:28

to call the stop? Like, what are the signs

33:30

that you're becoming just regulated to

33:32

do that? And again,

33:35

remember that the amount of time

33:37

needed for the

33:40

pause to re center is

33:42

probably a minimum of ten to

33:44

fifteen minutes. And for parents

33:46

of younger kids, that might

33:48

mean you doing something with

33:50

them, playing cards, reading

33:52

a story, you

33:55

know, maybe shooting some

33:57

hoops in your backyard, whatever it is.

33:59

Because they may not be able to

34:01

slow themselves down on their own.

34:05

Thinking is when you talk about the

34:07

situation calmly afterwards with out

34:09

going into, why did you do this? And

34:11

what could you have done instead? And there's no teaching.

34:14

It's just a review of what happened.

34:16

It's about it's an observation from

34:19

each of you about what occurred. And

34:21

you're gonna not you're gonna avoid blame and

34:23

analysis. So you're gonna say things like

34:25

I hear. I noticed. Tell

34:28

me more on listening or use

34:30

basic reflecting statements.

34:33

What I heard you say is this. Do

34:36

I get that right? Is there anything else?

34:40

And then, during this thinking

34:42

time, you're going to really sort of brainstorm

34:45

a little

34:45

bit, like,

34:46

what are the next right things we can do?

34:51

What could we to move forward? How are we gonna

34:53

move forward from this? And acting

34:55

is doing one of those things.

34:57

So you can brainstorm three things and

34:59

choose one. This

35:03

is really helpful because

35:05

you've explored something to do, and then

35:07

you're keeping it simple. And then

35:10

you're going to recover. You're gonna

35:12

allow time to pass and delay

35:14

any teaching, you know, for

35:16

as much as several hours, a couple

35:18

hours, till the next day.

35:21

You know, a lot of times parents feel

35:23

like they have to give the teaching at the moment or

35:25

their kids aren't gonna remember. That's

35:28

actually not necessarily true. Your kids

35:30

might still be somewhat dysregulated and

35:32

they may not be wanting to go into that

35:34

anymore. So having some space

35:36

between an incident and when you're going

35:38

to talk to them about the incident or how to make

35:40

different choices can be really useful.

35:43

Next slide, please. So

35:46

I received some questions related to the

35:48

STAR method. One is how long

35:50

do you recommend pausing when using the STAR

35:52

method? I just answered that question

35:55

actually. So, you know, that depends

35:57

on the age of your child or what you know

35:59

about yourself. But I would say somewhere

36:01

between for young children,

36:03

you know, basically 456,

36:06

and seven. You know, maybe it's just

36:08

ten minutes, maybe it's fifteen. For

36:12

older kids, I would say somewhere between fifteen

36:15

and thirty minutes. particularly

36:18

thirteens who can get really

36:20

riled up, not just because

36:22

of all the hormones and

36:25

changes that are going on. But

36:27

because they have difficulty

36:29

with emotional control and they might be feeling

36:32

a lot of pressure around being a

36:34

teenager, so we want to give enough

36:36

time for that to occur, and you're going to agree

36:38

on that in advance. Is

36:41

it really possible to control emotions when

36:43

so intense and spontaneous. Yes,

36:45

it is, and it is, excuse my language,

36:48

damn hard. It is really

36:50

hard to do. So the that

36:52

that stop, that pause, you

36:55

need to know what that is for yourself

36:57

and to have a go to that you don't have to think

36:59

about. So for me, when I'm feeling

37:01

activated like that, I have two go to's.

37:04

One, I go straight to the bathroom because

37:06

everybody has to go to the bathroom and that's usually

37:09

a private thing. Other people don't come into the

37:11

bathroom when you do it. And

37:13

I might just wash my hands or

37:15

look in the mirror or just, you

37:17

know, close

37:19

the lid of the toilet and sit down and be like,

37:21

okay, let's do some breathing. What's

37:24

really going on? Why are you so activated?

37:26

What can be the next thing that you could do?

37:29

And even if there's chaos on the other side,

37:31

you have to center yourself using whatever

37:33

strategies work for you. Sometimes

37:37

my second go to might be stepping

37:39

outside for us to breathe some fresh

37:41

air, walking down the block, drinking

37:44

a glass of water, Again, you need

37:46

to sort of put these on your phone,

37:48

so you have something that you can

37:50

go to. Oh, wait. I don't remember what to do,

37:52

and I'm very upset. So I'm gonna go to my

37:54

thing, my my note, upset

37:57

tools, or whatever you wanna call

37:59

it, or I have a ink I have a

38:01

call me down, you can

38:03

call it a free yourself. Of course, calm

38:05

me down playlist, so let me listen to one of

38:07

those songs that's gonna help me let it out.

38:10

And three, can you use this at work? Absolutely.

38:13

Absolutely, you can use it both as a manager,

38:15

and you can both use it for yourself. To

38:18

take that pause, to give yourself

38:20

time to think, figure out what the

38:22

next right thing is, and do it. And

38:25

then allow time to pass

38:27

before you attempt to process it.

38:29

And I would suggest that you find someone

38:32

in your life who you can process it

38:34

with rather than doing this on your own

38:36

because you could easily get into, you

38:39

know, a a take a personally situation

38:42

and q tip could be helpful. Okay.

38:45

So, next slide, please. So,

38:48

those are the slides that I've prepared

38:51

for today. I'd like you just

38:53

to close your eyes for a minute and

38:55

take a deep breath in through your

38:57

nose down,

39:00

down all the way through

39:02

your belly, into your

39:04

legs, and your toes, and give

39:07

Big exhale. Maybe make a noise

39:10

on the exhale like, do

39:12

that one more time. Breathe in

39:14

all the way all the way down. And

39:18

let go. You have

39:20

the air with a sigh. What

39:23

is one thing that I've talked about

39:26

today so far or only halfway

39:28

through that you would like to

39:30

try? And I

39:32

want you to write this down, please. There

39:36

is a a new handout that I've created

39:38

for you for this part

39:40

two session, and it's called

39:43

moving past no with a pause program.

39:46

And a lot of times, it's it's for

39:48

parents, but it's also for people

39:50

when you get when you're saying

39:52

no a lot. You know, what can you do

39:55

to help you move past no?

39:57

So if you want to take

40:00

a minute and copy that link from

40:03

your screen and put it up

40:05

in your in your

40:08

search engine. You

40:11

can get this for you, and

40:13

I think you'll find the tool very helpful. Alright,

40:16

Annie. Let's go to our live

40:17

questions. Thank you. Thank

40:20

you, Sharon. Oh my goodness. So many

40:23

great tips and tools

40:26

and strategies. We also

40:28

have quite a few very thoughtful

40:30

questions. And I

40:33

will just quickly, before we get going,

40:35

thank our sponsor one more. Time,

40:37

play attention, Thank

40:39

you for sponsoring today's webinar.

40:43

I wanted to mention that, you

40:45

know, we asked a out what are your emotional

40:47

triggers at the outset of today's session.

40:50

And they are

40:53

really quite even in their responses.

40:55

I will say that the most common one

40:57

is overwhelm -- Yes.

41:00

-- doing feeling the need

41:02

or that you're being asked to do

41:04

too much all at once.

41:07

This one hits home for me. For

41:09

sure. Mhmm. And

41:11

right behind that was

41:14

rejection sensitive Dysportia. Mhmm.

41:16

Which you which you covered in-depth

41:20

And I thought it was quite interesting

41:23

that the third and fourth are

41:25

interpersonal conflict. There were a lot of

41:28

mentions in the comments about feeling

41:32

misunderstood or unclear

41:34

communication. Especially

41:36

at work being a a trigger,

41:38

an emotional trigger. And number four

41:40

was disrespect. And

41:44

it doesn't say here specifically, but

41:46

we have a lot of questions that

41:48

came in on that topic --

41:50

Mhmm. -- from parents, who

41:53

feel their

41:56

own emotional triggers being

41:59

hold when their child is

42:02

having a hard time. And specifically,

42:06

when their child is wearing

42:08

at them or being otherwise disrespectful.

42:12

And you gave us a few tools for

42:15

removing ourselves from the situation. But

42:18

that is a very big question here today. I'm wondering

42:20

if you can address that. How

42:24

you would advise parents to react to when their

42:27

child is using behavior

42:29

that is hurtful and that they know

42:31

is not Okay. Right.

42:33

This is these are

42:34

fantastic. These these are two actually

42:36

really this is a great question.

42:39

What am I trying to say? Let's do

42:41

with the overwhelm first because I believe

42:43

that the overwhelm and the disrespect

42:45

and how to respond to it are connected. So

42:49

when we feel overwhelmed, because

42:51

we've either committed to doing too many things

42:54

or there's too much you know, stimulation

42:56

in our environment. We

42:59

There's a way that we shut down. I call

43:01

it overwhelmed freeze. And

43:03

you you're not able to access your

43:05

your your understanding of how

43:07

to deal in these situations learned

43:10

from previous experiences you

43:12

you can't sort of think on your feet.

43:14

There's a kind of a shutdown that you're that

43:17

that that you're experienced. And this frequently

43:20

emerges for people with ADHD who

43:22

have a grand ADDitude. You

43:24

know, with your you might be someone who likes

43:27

to try a lot of different things or do

43:29

many things simultaneously. Whether

43:32

or not you have ADHD, you could get overwhelmed

43:35

I think that a lot of

43:37

us feel like our capacity of

43:39

doing things is

43:42

greater because we have all of the

43:44

technology when really our brains

43:47

are frequently very overwhelmed and

43:49

need some time to process.

43:52

In relationships, what

43:55

happens is that when

43:57

people are very angry at you,

44:00

whether you you know, it's a partner

44:02

or a child. Whatever

44:06

whatever your level of comfort is

44:08

with conflict is tested.

44:10

So if you came from a family where

44:12

people did not argue and

44:15

you live in a family where people argue,

44:18

You might be missing some some

44:20

fundamental tools on how to respond.

44:23

You may just kinda shut down and

44:25

give in or you might

44:27

come from a family where there was conflict

44:29

and you fight back. And or you may come from

44:31

the first family and still fight back. So,

44:34

you know, we want to really sort of

44:36

understand how we respond

44:39

when we're overwhelmed and to

44:41

connect it to these moments

44:43

when our children are very dysregulated

44:46

and yelling at us or cursing at us

44:48

or my family eye rolling was

44:51

something that really triggered my husband and was

44:53

a big no no. So

44:56

you know, when kids are dysregulated.

44:59

They are uncomfortable. It's

45:01

not comfortable for anyone to be like

45:03

that. And I would

45:06

ask or say, you know, that

45:08

nine times out of ten, kids

45:11

feel a level of

45:13

discomfort or regret about how

45:16

they've reacted after that. They may

45:18

feel justified in their beliefs,

45:20

but they may also feel like,

45:23

you know what? It was

45:25

okay that they did that because they deserved

45:27

it. So I think that it's

45:29

important to to

45:32

figure out in a calm moment how

45:34

are you going to respond when things start

45:37

to escalate? Because it's during

45:39

these escalations, that

45:41

people say and do things that they

45:43

regret, but that also feel

45:46

that that can be lasting hurts. One

45:50

of the things that I've learned is

45:52

that when parents

45:55

are yelling at their children, and I have

45:57

actually, to be honest, learnedness from

45:59

my own parenting failures.

46:04

When I lost it with my

46:06

second child, they

46:08

felt abandoned by me in some

46:10

way. They felt unsafe with

46:13

me. And I think it goes the other

46:15

way because they would yell at me and I

46:17

would also feel very, very

46:20

unsafe in the same way. So

46:22

I think that what this calls for

46:24

is creating some kind of family

46:27

agreement about what's

46:29

gonna happen when things get when

46:32

things get close to the boiling point.

46:34

Because once you're in the boiling point,

46:36

trying to figure out how to manage doesn't

46:39

work. So you want to basically work,

46:42

have a have a plan, have a strategy

46:44

that you can apply for those

46:46

moments. Kids can be

46:48

disrespectful. That's part

46:51

of, you know,

46:53

individuation. It's

46:55

not a great part of it. It's not their

46:57

best colors, but they

46:59

do it. And so we want to

47:01

know how we can respond. We

47:03

wanna have a way to respond

47:05

in advance rather than trying

47:07

to pull it out of the air in the moment. So

47:10

I think that when kids are disrespectful,

47:13

you know, you can say anything to from

47:15

freshes for vegetables to,

47:19

you know, we're gonna take that we're gonna

47:21

take that stop right now. We're gonna take that

47:23

pause because this isn't going anywhere

47:25

good. And, you know, you can

47:28

walk to a different part of the house and your child

47:30

could literally follow you still screaming.

47:33

You know, I would close the door to my III

47:36

have I and other of my clients have

47:38

closed the door to their bedroom and

47:41

sat next to the door and had

47:43

a child banging on it on the other

47:45

side or yelling at them. That

47:47

is very

47:50

uncomfortable and you're setting a limit.

47:53

But you're not going to teach anything about

47:56

disrespect in those moments. They're

47:58

just too far gone. So what we

48:00

want to do is really be very

48:02

clear about what limits you are gonna

48:04

set, when things are

48:08

highly activated, and or

48:10

kids are basically just you

48:12

know, in an

48:15

amygdala hijacked and can't retract

48:18

sort of retract themselves.

48:21

That's the most important thing. So

48:23

have one or two phrases at your fingertips

48:26

that you can say and one or

48:28

two behavior options and then

48:30

do those. And with kids

48:32

who are oppositional, with

48:34

kids who are really in the middle of this,

48:36

you can say we're gonna do we have a choice

48:39

here. This or

48:41

this, which is your choice.

48:43

And they'll say, neither,

48:45

I don't wanna choose any of those. And you'll say the

48:47

agreement that we have is you're gonna

48:49

choose this or this. And

48:52

in the agreement, there's a non cooperation clause.

48:55

So you have something to fall back

48:57

to. But you need to have

48:59

a plan in advance trying

49:01

to figure it out in the moment is not okay.

49:04

You can't make your kids treat you

49:06

with respect. You can treat them

49:08

respectfully and you can expect

49:11

that they are going to push up against

49:13

you as in part of the process of

49:15

figuring out who they are. A

49:19

great metaphor for this is someone

49:21

once told me which I love, which is

49:23

you know, when Elk

49:25

come of age, I don't know if you've ever

49:27

seen this, but or deer come of age,

49:29

they have, you know, antlers. They also have

49:32

these big racks. And there's

49:34

they're covered with velvet. And

49:36

the velvet has to come off the antlers. And

49:38

in order to get the velvet off the antlers,

49:41

they have to rub that nailer up

49:44

against a tree. And

49:46

they they can scratch the tree, they might

49:48

tear some of the bark off, but

49:50

they rub that that that their antlers

49:53

against that tree, and then they

49:55

step back and then they, you know, frolic

49:57

with their other Belk buddies.

50:00

And they're, you know, the fellas hanging

50:02

down. They're kind of like are pimply adolescents.

50:04

And and

50:07

then they'll do it again. And the tree is

50:09

steady. The tree is very

50:11

clear. The tree doesn't, you know,

50:14

go up to them and pull the pull the velvet

50:16

off. The tree says, I

50:18

am here. I'm here. And this

50:20

is what attachment theory teaches us.

50:22

I'm here and I'm steady. And

50:24

these are the limits of what I can do, and

50:26

these and what I will tolerate, and these are limits

50:29

of what I want. Very long

50:31

answer, but I think it's important to

50:33

go over that. I'm

50:35

feeling that one today, Karen. No.

50:38

It's good. It's

50:40

good. Literally,

50:43

I I said to myself when I was raising

50:45

my teenage daughter, I'd be like, I

50:48

am the tree. I may lose a

50:50

limb in the lightning storm, but I am

50:52

grounded, I am rooted, I

50:54

am steady. Really?

50:56

Like, repeat, figure out what your

50:58

phrases that you can say to yourself because

51:01

somehow we have this invisible red

51:03

button on our chest. And no one

51:05

sees it except our kids, and they come up and they

51:07

push it. And you're like,

51:09

right? So we wanna learn how to manage

51:12

that. So

51:15

that leads to the question of okay.

51:17

You well, actually, okay, getting

51:19

ahead of myself. We had a follow on

51:21

question from someone who said,

51:23

what would you suggest? They have a six year

51:25

old, so on the younger side, but a

51:27

good amount of time to

51:30

let pass before addressing

51:33

the the reflections and the solutions

51:36

and what, you know, those options and what

51:38

to do next

51:39

time. Yeah. How how

51:41

much simmering do we allow? So with

51:43

a six year old, I would let a

51:45

couple hours go by. You

51:48

know, remember that the the best

51:50

times to talk to kids are

51:52

when they're in the car with you because they're

51:54

trapped. And when

51:56

you're maybe doing project like cooking something

51:58

together and when

52:01

they go to bed. Because

52:03

they're available. They wanna

52:05

connect. A lot of kids, that's the time when

52:07

they sort of let their guard down. They wanna

52:09

sort of talk to

52:11

you or, you know, connect or tell

52:13

you their story or something. After

52:16

dinner could be a good time as well.

52:20

To sit down and and have a short conversation.

52:22

But you you really need to have a couple hours

52:25

happen between

52:27

the the act and the

52:29

re for the recovery. Okay.

52:32

And another person wrote in to say

52:34

that their twelve year old

52:37

will engage in conversation about

52:40

solutions in those calm moments,

52:42

but then in the moment of

52:44

being triggered, they

52:49

she wrote he doesn't want anything,

52:51

doesn't wanna use anything, blames

52:54

everyone else. So you had suggested

52:56

some tricks for for parents

52:58

putting lists on your phones and things like that.

53:00

Is there a similar trick we can use to help

53:03

kids remember their own solutions

53:05

in a way that doesn't further trigger

53:07

them? Well, I

53:09

mean, lists are a good thing, and

53:11

visual cues are so important for

53:13

kids with ADHD. So that could

53:15

go up on the fridge, that could go in their

53:17

bedroom. It could there

53:19

could be a wall of when they

53:21

get it right. So, you know, you could take

53:24

some Outbursts once a week and put them on a

53:26

bulletin board and say, wow, I really liked when you

53:28

blah, blah, blah, or I noticed that you

53:30

were able to pull yourself back from the edge

53:32

here so that they can have

53:34

a sense of when they're they're

53:36

getting it right and then they can

53:38

grow that. In

53:41

the moment, when they're just regulated, it's

53:43

they're they're they're having that overwhelmed experience.

53:47

They can't they don't wanna do anything

53:49

because they're so overwhelmed. They

53:51

want the overwhelm to sort of stop,

53:53

and that overwhelm might be you. Or

53:56

directed toward you. There's

53:58

a way in which a lot of kids are

54:01

angry at their parents or caring

54:03

adults because they can't

54:06

help the kids do the things

54:08

that the kids can't do for themselves. Like,

54:10

there's some magical thinking that's involved.

54:12

Like, my parent really

54:15

should be able to help me manage myself when

54:17

I'm dysregulated even though that

54:19

there's no logical you know,

54:21

framework for that. So

54:24

in the moment when they're dysregulated, you

54:26

know, I would say, look, we agreed when you get

54:29

to this point we're we're we're

54:31

taking a time apart. So these

54:34

are these are the choices we agreed to. They're

54:36

up on the piece of paper, do one of them,

54:38

and I'll we'll get back together in

54:40

thirty minutes. This isn't working.

54:42

And so that's where you have

54:44

to really kind of draw the line, and that's hard.

54:47

It's very hard. And it takes practice

54:49

because your kids may not believe that you're actually

54:51

gonna follow through with what you say you are.

54:53

They'll be like, oh, yeah. You know, I'm just gonna keep

54:55

pushing. I'm gonna keep pushing till she loses

54:58

it, and then I'm good because I've

55:00

succeeded in my export.

55:04

Yes. Yes. Yes.

55:06

Now, quickly, I

55:08

have to say one of my favorite things about

55:11

these webinars aside from wonderful

55:13

advice that there's sharing is some

55:16

of the some

55:18

of the comments and pieces of advice

55:20

from our users. And so I have to share

55:22

a quote that someone ADDitude. I won't

55:24

name them, but it made me laugh

55:26

out loud. They wrote no one in the

55:28

history of being told to calm

55:30

down calms down. Yes.

55:34

Thank you. Thank you.

55:37

It does lead to a question, and that is

55:40

when we are tempted to say

55:42

calm down to a

55:44

significant other child. Are

55:46

there all alternatives to

55:49

that that we could --

55:51

Yeah. -- that we could try. Someone said, would

55:53

it work to put it on you and say,

55:56

I need to think for a minute. I

55:58

love that. That's actually where I was going.

56:01

That you actually can say, you know, this is

56:03

getting too hot for me. I

56:05

need to slow down for minute and

56:07

and take a break and think. So

56:09

I'm calling a time apart. So

56:11

you as a parent or as

56:13

a member of a couple can

56:16

say, you know what, I need a little time

56:18

to regroup. This is really, you know,

56:20

this is overwhelming or this is really

56:22

getting intense. And pull yourself

56:25

out rather than expecting the other

56:27

person to do that. And

56:29

I think that works both with children

56:31

and with other adults in our lives.

56:34

Because you're not saying you're out of

56:36

control, dude, chill Outbursts

56:38

you're saying is, I'm feeling overwhelmed. And

56:41

I'm gonna need to take a little break right now

56:44

to pull myself back together. And this

56:47

can happen in conversations. You know, I don't know

56:49

if you have this experience. But, you know, sometimes my

56:51

parents wanna talk to me at the same time on my

56:53

cell phone. And I'm like, whoa. Too

56:55

much information. Like, they're talking they

56:57

talk over each other and they're talking to

56:59

each other and then they're talking to me and I'm

57:01

like, whoa, can we just slow

57:03

down? I really can only hear one person

57:05

at a time. Yes.

57:09

I'm adding that to my personal list.

57:11

The you know, I need

57:14

a moment. To similar. That's

57:16

a good one. I'd

57:18

like to turn a little bit to adults

57:20

for a moment. We got a number of people who

57:23

are basically maybe

57:26

diagnosed later in life with ADHD

57:28

just coming to see

57:31

emotional dysregulation clearly. And

57:34

-- Mhmm. -- having trouble forgiving themselves

57:37

for past mistakes. It's a tough

57:39

question, but you're you're very good

57:41

at this stuff.

57:43

About yourself getting this. Is

57:45

there some advice or or

57:47

piece of wisdom you can offer for people who

57:50

are having trouble moving forward

57:52

with Yes. So

57:54

first of all, what I wanna say is I feel I

57:56

feel your pain. This is

57:58

something that I have struggled with.

58:01

I think though that there's there's

58:04

shame about things that we've done in the past

58:06

that we wish we hadn't. There might be

58:10

a lot of judgment about towards

58:12

ourselves and finger

58:15

wagging. And

58:17

and and what we don't really

58:19

think about is that other people have

58:21

done things like this too. Maybe they didn't

58:23

do this exact thing that you did,

58:25

but other people have had moments

58:28

where they've hurt people that they've loved

58:31

consciously or unconsciously. And

58:34

so what we want to do is to

58:36

just say that we are

58:38

an imperfect perfect

58:40

human. You know, we're doing the

58:42

best we can with the

58:44

tools we have available to us in

58:46

a given moment. And this is very

58:48

important for you to say to yourself.

58:51

I'm doing the best I can. I

58:53

was doing the best I could

58:56

in that moment with the tools I had

58:58

available and I didn't have any tools,

59:00

so it wasn't something that was my finest

59:02

hour. Sometimes

59:05

that happens. You know,

59:07

in one of my favorite books, Alexander

59:09

and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

59:11

by Judith Björse, which is a children's book,

59:14

Alexander's having a very bad day.

59:16

And he

59:19

he says, he's

59:21

just having a very bad day, and he

59:23

is oh, he says throughout the book, like, I wanna

59:25

move to Australia or I wanna go to Australia.

59:28

And and at the end of the book,

59:31

his mom says, some

59:33

days are like this, even in

59:35

Australia. And so

59:37

we have to start to talk to ourselves

59:40

with forgiveness. There's

59:43

a wonderful Hawaiian meditation

59:46

process call. And I can't say

59:48

it from my life, so I'm so sorry, but think

59:50

it's called Ho Ho Ho, Po. Something.

59:54

And which

59:56

I've used many times from InsightTime, but

59:58

I still can't pronounce it. And

1:00:01

it's about how you can forgive yourself

1:00:03

for things that you've done. And,

1:00:05

you know, part of the process

1:00:07

is also asking for forgiveness. Appropriately,

1:00:13

you know, or being able to

1:00:15

acknowledge that you made a mistake. I mean, one

1:00:17

of the things that has helped me in

1:00:20

my relationship with my daughter was

1:00:22

for me to hear all the ways that they

1:00:24

thought that I've heard them, which were more than I

1:00:26

thought, but whatever. And to say

1:00:28

and to acknowledge the

1:00:31

consequences of that, to

1:00:34

apologize, to change

1:00:37

my behavior. That's been

1:00:39

the thing that's made the most difference because

1:00:42

you can feel bad about what you've done

1:00:44

and continue to do it. And then that

1:00:46

apology doesn't really carry any weight.

1:00:48

So start small,

1:00:51

change something small, about

1:00:53

yourself, and that will help you towards

1:00:56

forgiving yourself. We all

1:00:58

make mistakes. It's

1:01:01

part of living and it's how

1:01:03

we learn. Beatting yourself

1:01:05

up for the mistakes that you make doesn't

1:01:08

teach you anything. The question

1:01:10

that you want to ask is, what

1:01:12

can I learn from what I

1:01:14

did? How could I do it differently and

1:01:16

maybe better next time? What

1:01:19

a wonderful way to cap off

1:01:21

this very empowering session.

1:01:24

Sharon, thank you so much for contributing

1:01:27

all of your insight and advice to the attitude

1:01:29

community. We we really appreciate your

1:01:31

contributions. You're

1:01:34

so welcome and I hope that people

1:01:36

will check out that free handout

1:01:39

that we had displayed. And I know I know it'll

1:01:41

be in this session, note, the webinar notes.

1:01:43

So thank you. And who

1:01:46

knows? Maybe they'll be in part

1:01:49

three with more questions sometime. For

1:01:53

now, for sure, if if you

1:01:55

didn't catch the handout, if

1:01:57

you wanna get the replay of this,

1:01:59

we will put all those links in an

1:02:01

email you will receive after

1:02:04

the webinar wraps up. So do

1:02:06

not worry. This was

1:02:08

this will become podcast number 444.

1:02:11

So if you are looking for it, that's the number.

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