0:04

Welcome to the Attention Deficit

0:06

Disorder Expert Podcast Series by

0:08

Attitude Magazine. Hi

0:15

everyone. My name is Annie

0:17

Rogers and on behalf of

0:19

the Attitude team, I'm so

0:21

pleased to welcome you to

0:23

today's ADHD experts presentation titled,

0:26

Oversharing and Under-Investing, the

0:28

Social Traps that Snare

0:30

ADHD Adults. Leading

0:33

today's presentation is Caroline McGuire. Caroline

0:36

is the author of the award-winning book,

0:38

Why Will No One Play With Me?

0:41

written to coach emotional regulation,

0:43

social and self-awareness, and

0:46

responsible decision-making skills. She

0:49

has also founded the Fundamentals

0:51

of ADHD Coaching for Families,

0:54

which is a training program

0:56

at the ADD Coach Academy.

0:59

In today's webinar, we are

1:01

going to discuss the social

1:04

traps and friendship foibles that

1:06

impact specifically adults with

1:08

ADHD, whose inattention

1:11

or impulsivity or emotional

1:13

dysregulation may strain connections

1:15

with others. So

1:18

Caroline will share ADHD-friendly strategies

1:21

that acknowledge these challenges and

1:23

work to build confidence in

1:25

social settings. And

1:27

finally, the sponsor of today's webinar

1:30

is InFlow. Have you ever

1:32

shared your entire life story with someone after

1:34

meeting them for the first time? InFlow

1:37

knows that oversharing is a common

1:39

challenge for many people with ADHD. and

1:42

they're here to help. Developed by

1:45

leading clinicians, InFlow's CBT-based program is

1:47

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1:49

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1:52

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1:54

conversation. Click the link on your

1:57

screen to get your ADHD

1:59

score. today and kick off

2:01

your inflow journey. Attitude

2:03

thanks our sponsors for supporting

2:05

our webinars. Sponsorship has no

2:08

influence on speaker selection or

2:10

webinar content. Okay,

2:12

without any further ado, I'm so pleased

2:14

to welcome Caroline McGuire. Caroline, thank you

2:16

so much for joining us today and

2:19

leading this discussion on

2:22

discussions. Thank

2:24

you so much. It's so good to

2:27

be here, everyone. I'm Caroline McGuire and

2:29

I wanna say first, I definitely was

2:31

impacted by bullying as a kid. It's

2:33

sort of a matter of public record. I've done a

2:35

lot of interviews and there's a piece of why I will

2:37

not play with me when I talk about it. And

2:40

I am ADHD. I have a varied

2:43

amount of learning disabilities as

2:45

well. And I wanna

2:48

say from the start that

2:52

there's no judgment here. I

2:54

also overshare. I have long been

2:57

struggling with this. And I

2:59

always say, I am just the person who thinks

3:01

about this all the time. And

3:03

for the past 18 years, since

3:05

I started in this space and started

3:07

as an ADHD coach, I

3:10

have found that we are struggling

3:12

with social things and I've wanted to

3:14

help. So definitely

3:17

don't think that I am perfect.

3:19

I work on this every day.

3:22

And what I also wanna do

3:24

is make all the strategies I

3:26

suggest and the approach work

3:29

for you. So it's not how

3:32

many friends do I think

3:34

you need. It's what

3:36

do you want and what makes

3:38

you happy. And I might share

3:41

research that tells you, wow, these

3:43

friendship chemicals are great and it

3:45

takes these many social interactions to

3:47

get there. But you're really

3:49

the one in charge of figuring out

3:52

how to make being social more

3:55

ADHD friendly for you. And

3:57

so part of what I wanna start with is, really

4:00

want to use strategies and

4:02

make this whole process very

4:05

ADHD friendly. We have to

4:07

think about our neurology. We

4:09

do friendship differently. And my

4:12

whole goal and our goal is to help

4:14

us belong and find connection

4:16

and understanding our brain

4:19

and our neurology really helps.

4:21

And then to think about,

4:23

okay, what do I

4:25

want out of friendship? If

4:27

we want to belong and feel

4:29

that we are, you know,

4:31

with the people who make us

4:33

happiest, we have to be able

4:35

to connect and then

4:37

we can show people our authentic,

4:39

wonderful selves. As

4:42

I think about how to make things ADHD

4:44

friendly and I think about strategies, I think

4:46

of a few things. I

4:48

want to think about our strengths, which

4:50

are always important to feel good. I

4:53

want to make sure it's accessible for our brain,

4:56

takes into account interest and boredom

4:58

since those are two huge drivers

5:01

for our brain, right? And

5:03

then we want to make sure that we

5:05

think about situational

5:08

variability, meaning the environment impacts

5:10

who we are. So

5:12

we asked the question about oversharing

5:15

at the beginning. It might be

5:17

that environment impacts how you are

5:19

able to show up. And

5:22

that is something that I really

5:24

think we sometimes forget. So

5:26

we're thinking about things to

5:28

do that are ADHD friendly,

5:31

right? And much of the advice out there is not

5:34

ADHD friendly. It doesn't really apply to us. I

5:36

read it and I think that's really nice. I

5:38

wish I could do that. If I could do

5:40

that, I would do that. So

5:43

part of what we're going to

5:46

talk about here are specific friendships,

5:48

snafus and things that come up

5:50

for us. And one of

5:52

them is sort of over-investing and

5:54

under-investing. And I absolutely loved this

5:56

title when they sent it to

5:59

me. When I say

6:01

underinvesting, this was a question that came up ahead

6:03

of the webinar a lot, there's

6:05

a certain amount of participation

6:07

in what

6:10

we could call investment that you

6:12

have to do in friendship in

6:14

order to have a relationship.

6:18

Relationships grow over time, they're built,

6:21

they're not necessarily something that

6:23

just happens, right? This

6:25

is all hard for us, so I'm not

6:27

oblivious to that, believe me. And

6:30

sometimes, I

6:32

don't know about you all, but

6:35

we go to these friendship extremes

6:37

where we're either overinvesting, I'm giving

6:40

you everything I've got, or

6:42

we're underinvesting. And

6:44

that can look like I just

6:47

am so terrified I don't necessarily

6:49

show up all the time, or

6:52

I hold back my true self,

6:55

or it can be that

6:57

we're not necessarily regulating social

6:59

effort. I make a huge

7:01

effort and in June, July, and August, I

7:03

go to different things, I participate, I

7:06

call people, and then

7:09

come November, I kind of crash and I don't

7:11

do anything. We

7:14

also have to feel socializing

7:16

is worth it. This

7:18

is something that I think not everyone understands,

7:21

but I certainly feel this way and it's

7:23

brought to my attention a lot by my

7:25

clients, which is when I go

7:27

somewhere, I tend to, I

7:30

don't know about you, complain all the way there.

7:32

And then when I finally get there, you can't

7:34

drag me away. But part of

7:36

that is, does it feel good? Is

7:38

it interesting? We

7:41

also often feel a sight

7:43

out of mind, which

7:45

causes us to underinvest, right?

7:47

I forget about being social.

7:50

I'm so busy because I'm

7:52

behind constantly on everything

7:54

that by the time I think

7:56

about it, it becomes sort

7:59

of a chore. and then I

8:01

don't do that. This fits into

8:03

our timeliness, right? There's

8:05

another factor I want us to

8:07

think about and I really

8:09

wanna make sure I don't push people into

8:12

any kind of ruminative cycle and as a

8:14

champion ruminator, I really wanna make sure of

8:16

that. But sometimes

8:18

people are making what John

8:21

Gottman, Dr. John Gottman calls

8:23

bids or overtures toward

8:25

us. They are actually showing us

8:27

signs that they wanna be friends.

8:30

But because we're either having

8:32

rejection sensitivity or we've

8:34

had a hard time being bullied

8:36

as a kid or maybe we just

8:38

miss stuff and we don't notice, we

8:40

don't invest in that relationship because we

8:42

don't really realize that the person is

8:44

making overtures, little things that they're doing

8:46

to try to be friends with us.

8:49

So here's the thing, I'm gonna

8:51

talk about how to overcome the hurdles that

8:54

come with this in

8:56

a minute, but we do

8:58

need regular contact, regular

9:00

participation and to see

9:03

people in order for our friendships to

9:05

grow. Even if we're talking

9:07

about seeing neurodivergent folks, we

9:09

do have to give that

9:12

relationship some investment so that

9:14

we spend time, have shared

9:16

experiences and grow the relationship.

9:20

So here's a few suggestions for

9:22

the under investing. Make

9:24

it a routine. If it's a

9:27

regular poker night, if it's

9:29

something you do every Monday

9:31

morning, if it's something that's part of

9:33

what I call your infrastructure, it's part

9:36

of your life and you go all

9:38

the time and you're

9:40

able to participate with people, you're

9:42

able to have shared experiences, it's

9:44

a lot easier than having to

9:46

try to remember. The other

9:48

thing is have a regular time

9:51

to check in. So I

9:53

use what I call anchors, which is that

9:56

certain times of the day, I'm

9:58

waiting for my kids bus to be. truthful,

10:01

I will actually make that a time to

10:03

check in. That infrastructure and

10:05

those anchors make it so that

10:08

I don't have to remember it

10:10

becomes a ritual. I

10:13

also love this by Barbara

10:16

Luther who is at the

10:18

ADD Coach Academy with me.

10:20

She always says, resparcolyze things.

10:22

When something gets boring,

10:26

we have to put a little sparkle and we have

10:28

to put some bling on it and we have to

10:30

make it interesting again. Sometimes when

10:32

we are with someone or we're

10:34

doing these rituals, for no apparent

10:37

reason whatsoever, we stop doing them

10:39

because it gets a little boring

10:41

and a little mundane. So

10:43

then resparcolyze it and it'll come

10:45

to life again. We have

10:48

to think about what stimuli we're

10:50

paying attention to. So there's

10:53

all this stuff coming at us

10:55

and one of the things we

10:57

can do is be paying attention

10:59

to something that actually isn't

11:02

helping us with our friendship investment.

11:04

So what is it that

11:06

we're paying attention to and how can we

11:08

make friendship come on our radar? The

11:11

other thing that happens to us, I'm

11:13

sure you've experienced this, I certainly have,

11:16

is the shame cycle. Many,

11:18

many of my clients will say,

11:20

I haven't seen someone in so

11:23

long, so I can't see them

11:25

because now they're going to wonder

11:27

why I haven't shown up for

11:29

so long. And that shame cycle

11:31

keeps us from investing. And

11:34

so I want to encourage you,

11:36

after the last webinar I did for

11:38

Attitude, I said this. I said, please

11:40

reach out to those people. Your friends

11:43

from college or friends from childhood. We

11:46

have strategies for this. They

11:49

will be thrilled to hear from you. And many

11:51

of you reached out to me and said, I

11:53

did and they were thrilled. So

11:55

we get into this self-talk that's

11:57

very negative and the shame cycle.

12:00

And it keeps us from the people who

12:02

would probably love to hear from us. And

12:04

we can be cute about it. We can

12:06

say, hey, I know I disappear, but here

12:08

I am, I'm back. How

12:11

much investment do we need? People are always asking

12:13

me, like, how much of this do I have

12:15

to do, Caroline? I really want

12:17

to say it's a choice, right? But

12:20

here's some data. Research

12:23

shows that seeing someone two

12:26

times a week helps build a

12:28

friendship. That friendships take

12:30

about six months to build. And

12:33

that you have to have about

12:35

six different encounters of three hours

12:38

for a period of six months. So

12:41

is that set in stone? No.

12:44

Actually, the research is always kind of funny to

12:46

me because they basically say, like, we don't really

12:48

know, but this is what we think. I

12:51

think that some people you click with and

12:53

you connect with right away. And

12:55

we really love that. We love it when

12:57

we just zing with someone, we connect right

12:59

away, we get along right away, and

13:02

we don't really have to build

13:04

things. But

13:06

in most cases, we

13:08

do have to build. And we

13:11

want to build because then we're getting

13:13

into relationships that are healthier for us.

13:16

I know that when we rush

13:18

into relationships, sometimes they're not the

13:21

best relationships. One

13:23

of the things that I've worked out with many of

13:25

my clients is some strategies

13:27

for, my goal

13:29

is to have more friends. My goal is

13:32

to see people. My goal is

13:34

to keep up with these longer term people.

13:36

But I talk myself out of it. And I go

13:38

and I lay on the couch. What

13:40

are the things we can do to kind

13:43

of guard against that to talk to that

13:45

inner self when you want to opt out?

13:47

So one of the things I've come up

13:49

with are three questions to ask yourself. And

13:52

if you ask yourself those questions and you decide

13:54

you really want to stay home and you want

13:56

to opt out, that's totally fine. And

14:00

I am totally aware of social anxiety.

14:02

Some of this is very hard. One

14:06

of them is, will this impact my

14:08

friendship long term? So, you

14:10

know, if you skip someone's wedding, they

14:13

might get upset and it might impact your friendship

14:15

long term. Does it hurt the

14:17

other person? You know, are they getting

14:19

an award? Is it something really important

14:21

to them? And, you know, it

14:23

will, it will hurt them. It will make them

14:25

feel badly. And I want to think about that.

14:28

And then the last one is, will it hurt

14:30

my friendship goals? And I

14:33

have to say this to myself

14:35

all the time, because sometimes we're

14:37

in that immediate zone where it's

14:40

now, and we're not thinking

14:42

about the not now, the future when I'm

14:44

going to say, wow, I

14:47

really want people to hang out

14:49

with. And we want to think about that.

14:51

And that's why I have the three questions. So

14:53

we can ask ourselves, do

14:56

I want to opt out or do I want to go? And by

14:59

the way, you don't have to go to everything, right?

15:01

I think there's want to

15:03

versus willing to do. And I

15:06

think the more we create high

15:08

interest activities that

15:11

make us feel good, where we

15:13

meet people, and we have shared

15:15

experiences, and it's something that we

15:17

don't find boring, and that we

15:20

find comfortable for sensory issues and

15:22

anxiety, the better. And there are

15:24

those activities out there. And I

15:26

talk about this a ton on

15:28

my website, carolinemcguireauthor.com. I have so

15:30

many blogs with ideas out there. So

15:34

I do think that there's

15:36

a reality here, which is

15:38

that we may need an exit strategy. Maybe

15:41

you're going to something because you

15:43

don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

15:45

And you know that it's going to impact the friendship

15:48

long term. But this

15:50

isn't the best thing for you, right?

15:52

Or you just need to

15:55

go while there's not a big crowd. And then when it starts to

15:57

get crowded, we exit. So one of the things that I want to

15:59

do is to One of my things is

16:01

an exit strategy. So plan ahead. Long

16:05

goodbyes send me over the edge. I'm going

16:07

to really tell you this. If you say

16:09

goodbye for 30 minutes and I'm with you and I

16:11

need to go, I am holding on

16:14

to my self-regulation and I am

16:16

losing it and I don't have it for much

16:18

longer. So I need to go. So

16:21

I always inform the host ahead of

16:23

time if I'm planning to leave early

16:25

and I prevent the

16:28

long goodbye. I use a little

16:30

code word or something with whoever

16:32

I'm with. Taking the

16:34

kids to the car is the code word for let's

16:37

go. Don't

16:40

be afraid to take breaks. If you need

16:42

to step away, play

16:44

Candy Crush and then come back.

16:47

If you want and if you can, engage

16:50

a partner. Engage someone to help you so

16:52

that you can get in and out in a

16:54

way that works for you. Never

16:58

investing. So I don't know about all of you,

17:01

but one of the things that my clients do

17:03

and I do is

17:05

that we rush into friendship.

17:08

We go in and we give everything

17:10

we have. And part of

17:13

that is chasing that sparkle, that

17:15

dopamine rush. And

17:17

what happens is we're expecting a

17:20

level of friendship and

17:22

intimacy and closeness right away.

17:26

And we kind of get into that all or

17:28

nothing thinking pattern where we

17:31

want it to be really

17:33

fast and we might

17:36

be giving more than

17:38

the other person and

17:40

we might be sharing more than

17:42

the other person. And sometimes

17:44

I know one thing

17:47

that comes up is we rush in

17:49

different. We give everything and then we

17:51

realize this person isn't

17:53

great for us. This

17:56

person, there's red flags that I

17:58

didn't see because... because I rushed

18:00

into friendship, there's things about them

18:03

and I don't necessarily fit with

18:05

who I am or my values.

18:08

And then we're trying to repeat, you

18:10

know, backpedal out. So that's

18:12

why we, what

18:15

I'm sort of proposing is

18:18

we know that about ourselves and,

18:20

but that we build the relationship more because

18:23

then you can feel people out, which you

18:25

have the right to do. You have the

18:27

right to feel people out and say, Oh,

18:30

wow, what you're saying doesn't fit

18:32

with my values at all. I

18:35

don't think that this is a good match. And

18:38

you can create some rules for yourself. You

18:40

can say, you know, I am

18:43

going, you know, I have a tendency

18:45

toward people pleasing a little bit. I

18:47

tend to give too much. Maybe

18:50

you buy dinner all the time or

18:52

you fall into certain traps trying to

18:54

make friends. Here's something. I'm

18:57

not going to pay. I'm going to

18:59

split, you know, I'm going to try

19:01

to match someone rather than giving

19:03

or taking. I'm going to try

19:05

to match with them reciprocally. And

19:08

that can start to

19:10

help this snafu where we

19:13

over invest and we rush in and

19:15

it feels so good, but then

19:17

sometimes it gets us into trouble. So

19:20

mindset, I think is a big part

19:22

of this friendship struggle for those of

19:24

us with ADHD. I think

19:27

it's an under discussed topic. If you

19:29

read Jessica McCabe's new book, How

19:31

to ADHD, I wrote with her

19:33

the how to people chapter and

19:36

I talk a lot about mindset. Mindset

19:39

can also influence us because

19:42

we have these stories, this

19:44

inner narrative, this self talk

19:47

in our mind, maybe because we

19:50

had a hard time and we

19:53

think things about ourselves. Like

19:55

if we think we are too much

19:58

or we think we are not enough. or

20:01

we think these negative things, then

20:03

we approach the friendship with

20:06

this negative view of ourselves

20:08

and often we come

20:10

from this place of scarcity as if

20:13

we have to be grateful for

20:15

whatever people throw to us as

20:18

if we are not good friends.

20:20

She's not true. You offer so

20:22

many wonderful things in friendship and

20:25

I know that we

20:27

are fun and creative and we have

20:29

so much to offer and part of

20:31

that comes from the past, right? It

20:34

comes from being a kid who wasn't

20:36

always picked, being a kid who was

20:38

left out. We then

20:40

tend to go into another mindset

20:42

which is this all-or-nothing thinking or

20:46

black and white thinking where things

20:48

were good or bad. The day

20:50

was good or wonderful. It was the best day

20:52

or it was the worst day ever and

20:55

that tends to mean

20:57

that we opt out

20:59

very quickly. We say, you know, this

21:01

relationship just isn't working. I'm out. I'm

21:03

done. It's over versus

21:06

realizing that we want to

21:08

look at some things, see

21:10

whether there are red flags

21:12

in the relationship, see whether

21:14

we're enjoying ourselves and

21:17

be a little more thoughtful

21:19

about it and also

21:21

remember to work

21:24

on that negative self-talk that's affecting how

21:26

we show up. The

21:29

other mindset that gets us into snafus

21:31

is what I

21:33

call anxious over correction. So

21:36

we overshare, we do something and

21:39

because we have these negative

21:41

stories, because things have happened in the

21:43

past, we want to

21:46

clarify or apologize and we

21:48

send, you know, 15 anxious

21:50

texts explaining what we

21:52

meant by a comment. The

21:55

other person might not have noticed our

21:57

comment, might not have cared, but what

22:00

happens is when we send

22:03

these 15 texts, we put

22:05

ourselves in a position where

22:07

now they're noticing and

22:10

we make ourselves seem like we're

22:12

at fault when maybe it was

22:14

just one comment. If we

22:17

didn't offend anyone, we don't want to have

22:20

that mindset. But that is often

22:22

the mindset that we go in

22:24

with because of the past. Many

22:26

of you asked questions before the

22:28

webinar and one of the biggest

22:30

things I noticed was this feeling

22:32

that you're not

22:34

good at friendship when I think we

22:37

have to heal that

22:39

inner child of ours and

22:41

remind ourselves that maybe

22:43

I struggled as a kid but

22:46

now I didn't have the tools and I didn't

22:48

have the path forward and I didn't have the

22:51

ADHD friendly strategies. Now I'm going to

22:53

have them. So I

22:55

want us to challenge that inner

22:57

voice to rework on our self-talk

22:59

and that all-or-nothing

23:01

thinking whenever you

23:04

hear yourself say always never to

23:07

sort of challenge that and look at the

23:09

facts. What are the facts? Are

23:12

they never returning your text or

23:14

is it just this time?

23:17

One of the things that Jessica McCabe

23:19

and I found when we were researching

23:21

the How To People chapter, her

23:24

wonderful researcher Patrick LaConc found

23:27

was that research

23:29

that's for children but I think it applies

23:31

to us too. There's not that much research

23:34

on ADHD adult friendship

23:36

unfortunately. One of the

23:38

things the research found was that

23:41

ADHD children tend to base their

23:43

opinion of a relationship on

23:45

the last social interaction they had

23:48

and I don't know about you but I

23:50

read that and I was like oh my

23:52

gosh yes it plays into

23:55

that all-or-nothing thinking. We've

23:57

had a 20-year great relationship.

24:00

We've had our ups and downs but

24:02

mostly it's been great. But we

24:04

have one bad interaction and

24:07

I go to that all-or-nothing

24:09

thinking. Or we have

24:11

one sort of interaction that I'm not

24:13

sure about and I decide you must

24:16

not like me. It's over. They don't,

24:18

they're not interested in me. It's

24:21

that that we

24:23

have to sort of challenge a little

24:25

bit before we opt out of relationships

24:27

and think about is that really,

24:30

is this one interaction true

24:32

and do I have any evidence? What's

24:34

the evidence that this person wasn't

24:37

showing up for me or didn't like

24:39

me? Challenge that story in

24:41

our mind because sometimes

24:43

story isn't true. One

24:47

of the other snafu is

24:49

oversharing. So sharing

24:52

is something that makes

24:55

us build relationships. We

24:57

want to be vulnerable sometimes but we

24:59

tend to have a propensity

25:03

toward going down the

25:05

rabbit hole a little bit and I

25:07

don't know about you but I sometimes

25:09

have an overwhelming urgency to share. Like

25:12

I want to share this information with

25:14

you and we sometimes

25:17

misjudge our relationships

25:20

and instead of sharing with our

25:23

closest friends, closest relatives, people we

25:25

know and have a history of

25:27

trust with, we share

25:30

with random

25:32

strangers and we

25:35

although sharing is part of making

25:37

friends, sharing can make

25:39

you a little vulnerable. It can be

25:41

off-putting to other people even neurodivergent people.

25:45

Other people are just not expecting it

25:47

or they start to wonder,

25:50

well what are you sharing

25:52

about me? So the oversharing

25:54

thing is a struggle that many

25:56

of us have and the

25:58

first thing I'd like to do is to I want to

26:00

highlight is that we

26:02

all have different trust

26:05

and closeness and intimacy with

26:07

different people. And one

26:09

of the things I think we do is

26:11

when we go down the rabbit hole and

26:13

we're oversharing our history of

26:16

money, our social security number, our

26:20

relationships, we

26:22

forget that the

26:24

person we're talking to, we don't

26:26

have a history of trust with

26:29

them. And that the levels of

26:31

trust and intimacy in our history

26:33

with a person really

26:35

informs what we share with

26:37

whom and trust

26:40

builds over time. So

26:43

if someone is an acquaintance, if they're

26:45

a buddy, if they're somebody we just

26:48

met, they're not necessarily someone we know

26:50

what they're going to do with that

26:52

information. We know we can trust them.

26:54

And they're not someone we maybe have

26:57

a history with. Every

26:59

culture has social norms.

27:02

Some of you are going to say to me

27:04

in the chat in the group that I am

27:06

in, in the culture that I am in, in

27:09

a certain circumstances, you

27:11

overshare, it's no big deal. It's

27:13

the social norm. Awesome. I totally

27:16

hear you. When we are

27:18

at the international conference, people come up

27:20

to each other, and we support each

27:22

other as people with ADHD. And

27:25

we do share more. I'm

27:27

talking about this thing where, you know,

27:29

I'm talking to someone at the grocery

27:31

store, and I tell them like the

27:34

history of trauma in my family. And

27:37

it's really hard because what happens when

27:39

we overshare is that we then tend

27:41

to have this, I

27:44

call it a self regulation hangover where like, I

27:46

then get in my car and I'm like, Oh

27:48

my god, why did I do that? And

27:51

it's not easy. I want

27:53

to say first, that

27:55

as I think about curbing oversharing,

27:57

you'll notice I didn't use

28:00

the word stop because

28:02

one of the things that drives me

28:05

bonkers is that if you

28:07

read just blogs on the internet and

28:09

stuff people say stop oversharing.

28:12

This is a complicated

28:14

thing right? It's based

28:16

on what we're paying attention to at

28:18

the time. Self-regulation,

28:21

modeling, how are we taught to

28:23

share, us paying attention

28:25

to the situation or environment. It

28:29

is a complicated thing and I

28:31

don't think anyone just stops oversharing.

28:35

My experience with the groups

28:39

that I've run for this to

28:41

help adults with ADHD learn to

28:43

curb oversharing my clients myself is

28:46

that you get up

28:48

every day and you work on

28:50

this and I'm going to describe how you work on

28:52

it in a sec and we

28:54

try to do better but I

28:57

think to hold ourselves to a

28:59

standard of a hundred percent is

29:02

going to make us feel really bad and

29:04

I also think it's so much pressure. This

29:07

is something that when I work with

29:09

clients we set an intention that this

29:12

is the thing that they're going to

29:14

try to work on. Not this and

29:16

eight million other things, this is something

29:18

that every time they enter a doorway

29:20

or every

29:23

time they are in a

29:25

conversation we're working on this

29:28

and this is something that

29:30

takes time and it takes

29:33

practice and

29:35

you may sometimes overshare and

29:38

I would like us to

29:40

practice some self-compassion, some self-forgiveness

29:43

and not beat ourselves up.

29:46

Also you can make a choice. You

29:48

might be in a conversation with someone

29:50

and you say I am thinking about

29:53

my level of intimacy with them and

29:55

relationship and closeness and they've

29:57

given me certain signals and I'm going to go

29:59

ahead and share. And that's

30:01

totally your choice. Everything for me is

30:03

about understanding and then making

30:05

a choice. So how

30:07

do we curb oversharing? One

30:10

of the things we wanna do is identify when

30:13

you tend to overshare. One

30:16

of the things I've found over the years

30:19

is that there are topics that

30:21

we tend to overshare on. There

30:24

are circumstances, maybe

30:27

special interests, maybe

30:29

there are situations when you're

30:31

tired or you're with

30:34

certain people and you're more

30:36

anxious where we tend

30:38

to overshare. Anxiety

30:40

can be a huge factor here.

30:43

I also have read a

30:45

lot of research that connects

30:47

oversharing to loneliness. So

30:50

if you're feeling particularly vulnerable,

30:52

particularly lonely, and you

30:55

just have a deep desire to

30:57

connect with someone, you might

30:59

overshare because you're kind of misjudging the

31:02

person because you're just so excited to

31:04

be with someone. And

31:06

I know I've definitely gone down that rabbit hole as

31:08

a result. And the other

31:10

piece is self-regulation. When

31:13

I work with clients and for myself, often

31:16

we're late and we didn't

31:18

find parking and I

31:21

couldn't even find the keys in my purse. And

31:23

then I get to the event and instead

31:26

of sitting in the

31:28

car for two minutes to gather myself,

31:30

doing some of my self-regulation techniques,

31:33

pausing and sort of centering myself,

31:36

I'm like, I'm late, I gotta go. And

31:39

one of the things I would say as a sales

31:41

pitch is the more we

31:43

take those two minutes to

31:46

sort of center ourselves and do some

31:48

deep breaths, the more

31:51

as we enter certain social situations,

31:53

we'll be able to be more

31:55

present and we'll be able

31:57

to feel that self-regulation.

32:00

or calm. When

32:02

you're talking to someone, I want

32:05

us to be thinking just how

32:07

well do I know them? And I

32:10

always call this who is your audience? Like,

32:12

you know, who is it that I am

32:14

talking to who is my audience? And that

32:16

comes from me being a theater kid. I always

32:18

think about everybody as an audience. And

32:21

then practice being present enough

32:23

to think that. Practice

32:26

just thinking those thoughts. What

32:29

I find is just

32:31

by thinking how well do

32:33

I know this person as

32:35

we're talking to them, you start

32:37

to self edit. Not 100%

32:40

of the time, not

32:42

everyone, but I really find

32:44

that that helps. I

32:48

create rules. And

32:51

that is me. And I find this works

32:53

really well with my clients. If

32:56

this doesn't work for you, you don't

32:58

have to do it. But here are my rules.

33:01

If someone is not a real friend, if

33:03

they are an acquaintance, if they are a

33:05

buddy, if they are a work colleague that

33:08

I do not know as well,

33:10

I don't share as

33:12

much vulnerable information. I don't

33:14

talk about body fluids, odor,

33:16

hygiene, sexual history, money,

33:18

you know, medical history,

33:21

childhood trauma, right?

33:24

You can think about who you tend

33:26

to overshare around, when you tend to

33:29

overshare. And, you

33:32

know, what are the topics, you

33:34

know, maybe it's a divorce, maybe

33:37

it's, you know, your

33:39

parents. I remember

33:41

the first time I really noticed someone

33:43

say something very neutral, like, Oh, I

33:45

have difficult parents. I was like, Wow,

33:48

oh my God, I've never even thought

33:50

of saying that. You know,

33:52

and maybe you come up with some

33:54

phrases around those folks so that you

33:57

know that this history, you know, tends to bring

33:59

up those. over sharing the too

34:01

much detail. And so you

34:03

come up with a little phrase that you're

34:05

gonna use. And

34:07

that way, when you

34:09

have a real friendship with someone

34:12

and you grow closer to them,

34:14

you can share all that history.

34:17

But until then, you're not sharing

34:19

it with everyone. You're saying something

34:21

like, I come from a challenging

34:23

family. What

34:25

does practice look like? Okay, so what

34:28

I told you is I feel like every

34:31

time I open my car door, you know,

34:33

I'm trying to sort of say I'm working

34:35

on this. If I'm entering a party,

34:38

I'm thinking I'm gonna practice. I'm

34:40

trying to remember that they're a friendly

34:43

stranger. They're an acquaintance. I

34:45

mentioned I try to anchor myself in

34:47

my car. I have a little pause

34:50

button to remind

34:52

me to pause. I

34:54

tend to set those things around the house, not

34:57

denying sometimes I don't notice them, but

34:59

it does help remind me of my

35:02

intention, right? Remember, Dr. Russell

35:04

Barkley always says ADHD is

35:07

not knowing what to do, it's doing what you know.

35:10

And then when I go into the party,

35:12

I'm going to try to, you know, not

35:17

overshare on certain topics or not overshare

35:19

with someone who I don't know really

35:22

well. But we

35:24

do overshare, right? So if you're

35:26

oversharing, I like to have a

35:28

pivot plan, right? So a little

35:31

recovery plan. When

35:33

you're in it, a lot of times people will

35:35

say to me, I was in it, I realized

35:37

I was down the rabbit hole, and

35:39

then they didn't know what to do. So you

35:42

can say something jokey. Now, I like to

35:44

use humor a lot personally, but you can

35:46

come up with your own phrases. So I

35:48

say things like, oh wow, I've had a

35:50

lot of coffee today. Or where

35:53

am I going? I'm sorry. I'm

35:56

down the rabbit hole. But what were you saying

35:58

before? I'll

36:01

say like, well, I've said enough, you

36:03

tell me about your weekend. I

36:05

have those little phrases in my back

36:07

pocket because I do

36:10

sometimes go down the rabbit hole, and

36:12

I do sometimes find

36:14

that we're in the overshare,

36:17

and I want to stop. There's no reason

36:19

I can't pivot, except

36:22

that I need a pivot plan. When you

36:24

have a pivot plan and you start doing

36:27

this, what I find is that people start

36:31

curbing that and self-editing sooner and

36:33

coming out of it. And

36:36

then probably the other

36:38

person isn't thinking about it at all. We

36:43

get bored sometimes. So when we

36:45

get bored, I have little

36:47

phrases that I say. I

36:50

find that sometimes we overshare

36:53

or we go to a certain place

36:55

because we're bored. And

36:58

so you can also shift

37:01

someone toward your interest and

37:04

say things like, this is what I learned, or I

37:06

want to share this, or that reminds

37:08

me of a topic. If

37:11

you want to shift someone away from

37:13

something that you're not that interested in

37:15

and you want to find some more

37:17

common ground, if

37:21

you have been absent from someone

37:23

for a long time, and we

37:25

talked about this before, I

37:28

really want to encourage us to rekindle

37:31

those relationships and

37:34

re-break the ice. I

37:37

saw this and I thought of

37:40

you, take advantage of milestones, birthdays,

37:43

share a joke, say, I thought

37:45

of you, tell them, I'm sorry, I

37:48

am terrible at keeping up with you,

37:50

but I really want to continue to

37:52

see you. One

37:54

of my college roommates posted her

37:56

daughter doing this amazing gymnastics routine.

37:59

And I... I was like, oh my God, that kid

38:01

is so old. I cannot believe I have missed this

38:04

much. And so I just wrote her a

38:06

funny joke about how

38:08

she and I have never heard that

38:10

anything athletic in our lives. And

38:13

then she just started writing back to me.

38:15

I think that there's a real possibility for

38:17

us ending

38:20

these shame cycles. I

38:23

wanna say that I work on everything every

38:25

day. And I know

38:27

so many of you were writing before

38:29

this webinar with so many questions. I

38:33

really wanna say, please, you know, feel

38:35

free. I'm gonna share, this is

38:38

my book. And then I have

38:40

a free gift for you to

38:42

download about

38:45

helping you to demystify

38:47

friendship. And my email

38:49

is right there. I

38:51

make videos on social media about

38:53

all these topics with

38:56

even more in depth, step by step,

38:59

to help you figure this out. I

39:02

really think we deserve so

39:04

much from friendship and the

39:07

past tends to color

39:10

the way we feel about it, but we

39:12

have a lot to offer and we are so fun

39:14

and creative. And

39:18

so I wanna encourage you to

39:20

really remember that

39:23

about yourself and to know

39:25

that we really just,

39:28

we deserve to have these kinds of

39:30

friendships. So I hope you'll keep in

39:32

touch and reach out and let me

39:35

know what topics would help you. And

39:38

then I'm gonna turn it back over to Carly

39:41

because we wanna answer questions. Yes,

39:45

Caroline, thank you so much. That

39:47

was incredible. I have a notebook

39:49

full of notes here. And

39:51

we have many questions before we

39:53

dig into the Q&A. I will

39:55

quickly thank Inflow once more for

39:57

sponsoring today's webinar. And I ask... I

40:00

want to turn back to the

40:02

questions that we asked at the outset

40:04

of the webinar, because I

40:06

think they can help guide our

40:08

Q&A. So we asked, if you

40:10

do habitually overshare, what do you

40:13

think is the main root cause

40:15

of this behavior? And almost

40:17

a third, 30% of people said

40:20

they felt that it was

40:22

a need for personal connection,

40:24

which I thought was

40:27

so interesting that clearly

40:29

you're here today, clearly you

40:31

feel this,

40:34

you feel how important it is to have

40:37

these connections, and you're making the effort

40:39

to make it happen. And that led,

40:41

also, there was a question that tied into this,

40:44

someone who said, you know, like when

40:46

you're meeting someone, even on a first

40:49

date, for example, and

40:51

you want to suss out,

40:53

is there a connection here? The person is

40:55

a stranger. That

40:59

fine line between figuring out if

41:01

there's a connection and

41:03

a path forward, and,

41:05

you know, really divulging

41:08

too much. Maybe you could talk about

41:10

that nuance. I

41:12

think that, you know, I always

41:14

look in the dating world because

41:17

there is so little on adult

41:19

friendship with ADHD and neurodivergence and

41:21

research. And one of

41:23

the things I read about

41:25

that I've been using, I think is great

41:27

advice. So if you're thinking about

41:30

finding your people, and you're

41:32

thinking about who they are, there

41:34

might be some things that you

41:37

are particularly interested in that would

41:39

make you connect with someone. So

41:41

here's something that I read. There

41:43

was someone and they said, I love

41:45

to watch scary movies. And I really

41:47

don't think I could have a girlfriend

41:50

who didn't want to watch scary movies.

41:52

So I will bring up scary movies.

41:54

So rather than bringing up, you know,

41:57

history of debt and, you

41:59

know, other things to bring

42:01

up, hey, I love scary movies, or

42:04

I love true crime, or I am

42:07

really into and then name

42:09

something and see if

42:11

the person is also into it, right?

42:14

Or say if they say, no, I

42:16

don't do hot yoga, but I do

42:18

this. And that is

42:21

a good way to say, oh,

42:23

okay, I'm getting to

42:26

know them, which I totally hear about

42:28

impetus, but I'm

42:30

not necessarily oversharing or sharing something

42:33

that is going to be, you

42:36

know, actually, to be honest,

42:38

sometimes not even relevant to whether you're using

42:40

with them. Yeah,

42:43

I love that. And it ties into I think

42:45

that two minutes in the car that you were

42:47

talking about, like, just have that second and

42:50

say, like, what's really critical for me

42:52

to know if this relationship is going

42:54

to work. And that way

42:56

you have something to anchor you that's

42:58

not maybe story

43:01

of a story you'd be

43:03

better off saving for a later date. Yes,

43:07

yeah. Yeah. Okay,

43:10

wonderful. So I'm going to return quickly

43:12

to our survey. The second

43:14

most common answer that we

43:16

saw was poor

43:19

impulse control getting as

43:21

the root cause of

43:24

oversharing. And

43:26

this was pretty common. We

43:28

saw this, that some people

43:31

said they just feel

43:33

they have to share something before they

43:35

forget it. And so they'll

43:37

talk over someone interrupt that kind

43:39

of thing. And

43:42

I wonder, I mean, this is

43:44

a core ADHD trait, impulsivity. Are

43:47

there tricks for keeping those thoughts

43:49

in your mind, not

43:53

forgetting them so that you can contribute

43:55

them at a more appropriate time in the

43:57

conversation? Yeah, I have a few.

44:00

tricks. So one of them

44:02

comes from Danny Donovan. So I want

44:04

to give her full credit. She goes

44:06

like this. And this is like

44:08

her little reminder. And what I've been doing is

44:10

I just sort of put my hand on my

44:12

thigh when I'm talking to someone and I make

44:14

this little thing. And it's to

44:16

remind myself of what I want to

44:19

say. That may or may not work for

44:21

you. The other thing I want to say is,

44:24

here's something I've realized as a person with

44:26

ADD. A lot of times

44:28

I have an overwhelming impulse to share.

44:31

But what I have to

44:33

share, to be honest, isn't

44:35

all that in a bag of chips.

44:37

So if I just stayed in the

44:39

conversation and talked to someone, and I

44:41

know this can be impossible, the intrusive

44:43

thoughts come, you can't stop, it's impulsive,

44:47

then I might forget what I

44:49

was going to share, but something else

44:51

comes. And since it's not, live

44:54

or die, it's okay. The

44:57

other thing is to do tricks

44:59

where you say what you're thinking

45:01

you want to share, but that

45:03

takes away from you being present

45:05

in the conversation. I think

45:08

the impulse aspect really

45:12

partly comes from,

45:14

are we able

45:16

to practice giving

45:19

space in the conversation? It's

45:21

really hard, but I do have

45:24

YouTube videos about these topics where

45:26

I show how to give that

45:29

one or two beats before you jump

45:32

in and to practice so you get

45:34

more used to it. Because I think

45:36

what you'll find is it actually enriches

45:38

you. And once

45:41

you start practicing, you get kind of used

45:43

to it. Yes,

45:45

yeah. Conversation is an

45:47

art, right? It's hard

45:49

work. Okay.

45:53

So the third

45:55

most common root cause mentioned

45:57

in our survey today was...

46:00

a strong people pleasing tendency.

46:04

And we definitely see this a lot in

46:07

the feedback that we get from attitude

46:09

readers. And it kind of raised a

46:11

really interesting whole sub

46:15

group here today who said, you

46:17

know what, I'm not an over-sharer,

46:19

I'm an over-hearer. I

46:22

tend to attract people

46:24

who unload too much on me. And

46:27

I don't know how to kind of set up those

46:29

guardrails to

46:32

protect my own mental health and

46:34

maybe ditch these toxic friends.

46:36

So a lot of

46:38

people here today said that whether it's because they're

46:41

a people pleaser or maybe because they're introverted, maybe

46:44

they've been burned before, that

46:48

they end up overhearing and

46:51

they don't know how to get out of it. I

46:55

think that is so true. And I'm

46:57

so glad that the group here today

46:59

has really brought that into words because

47:02

that is something I have long thought but

47:05

didn't really have the words for. So thank

47:07

you everyone. I will definitely be doing stuff

47:09

with this. Yeah, so we're

47:11

very sympathetic. We're very

47:13

empathetic. I can

47:15

feel other people's distress

47:19

and many of us have that characteristic.

47:22

And so we overhear, maybe

47:25

we do tend toward people pleasing for

47:27

whatever background reasons.

47:30

There's a couple things. I

47:33

have a handout that I've

47:35

been giving people that I'm

47:37

happy if you email me, I will happily

47:40

send this to you. That is

47:42

about red flags. So that as you're

47:44

having a conversation, if you hear red

47:46

flags, let someone is toxic and I

47:48

see a lot about toxic in the

47:51

chat here and

47:53

you're hearing stuff that is

47:56

a red flag. identify

48:00

that and not enter

48:03

into the relationship. I

48:05

think also what we tend to do is

48:07

we want to give to that person and

48:09

sort of bomb their wound and make them

48:11

feel better. And so

48:13

one of the things that I do with many

48:15

of my clients is we have some self-talk around

48:17

that, if this is a tendency. And

48:20

the self-talk can sometimes be something that's

48:23

come up with by you. One of

48:25

my clients thinks, that's not

48:27

my rodeo. Like, not

48:29

my deal. And so they say

48:32

kind things, but they're not agreeing

48:34

to, you know, move you, give

48:36

you money, do other things for

48:38

you. And

48:40

I think we have a

48:43

tendency to struggle with silence.

48:46

And so when someone is sharing that

48:48

stuff and we're overhearing, we

48:51

often will fill in that

48:53

gap and therefore agree

48:55

to stuff and give because we

48:57

don't love the silence. And if you

48:59

resemble that remark, definitely

49:02

let's work on having comfort

49:04

with silence because

49:06

sometimes people are like, I agree to this

49:08

because I hated the silence and they were

49:10

sort of asking and so I gave. And

49:13

I think also to have some rules for

49:16

yourself. You know, how

49:18

long and how much do you need

49:20

to know someone before you will

49:22

give certain things like money and

49:24

time to them? What

49:26

do you need to see in terms

49:28

of reciprocity from that relationship? But

49:31

I definitely love this topic because I think

49:33

it's so true. Yes,

49:38

it was a big theme here

49:41

today. And I did wanna mention

49:43

that based on your last webinar

49:46

with Attitude, which we will provide

49:48

a link to in the resources section

49:50

after this one, based

49:52

on that we were able to put together, is

49:55

your friendship toxic quiz? And

49:57

so we'll share that out because we did.

50:00

have a number of people asking like, how

50:02

do I know if the relationship

50:04

is toxic or, or

50:08

not? And if not, I

50:11

guess this is the next question. How

50:13

can I broach this topic?

50:15

So somebody wrote in to say they

50:17

have some friends who do have ADHD,

50:19

who have

50:23

engaged in some of these behaviors.

50:25

And she wants some tips on

50:27

ways to have a conversation with

50:29

them about sharing

50:32

too much about perhaps being, you

50:34

know, late to engagement over talking

50:36

over her in a way that

50:38

respects the fact that she understands,

50:40

you know, rejection sensitive dysphoria is

50:42

a real thing. She doesn't want

50:44

to hurt her friends. But she

50:47

also needs to address these things to keep their

50:49

friendship strong. Yeah,

50:52

um, so I think

50:54

this is a really hard and I admire

50:56

the desire to be kind, because

50:58

I think it's so important. I

51:01

don't think there's

51:03

any benefit to making

51:06

anyone feel bad. I really

51:08

don't. And we all have things, you know, this is what

51:10

I say to my clients all the time. Everybody

51:13

has stuff. So yeah,

51:15

you might overshare, but the other person

51:17

might not always be that

51:19

fun, whatever it is, everybody has stuff. One

51:23

of the things I would say is to

51:27

maybe come at it from a really

51:30

kind perspective, like, Hey, I know

51:32

this is really hard. What can

51:34

we do together, right to figure

51:36

this out, or to

51:39

say, you know, hey, I've been

51:41

trying to educate myself about neurodiversity.

51:44

And I heard about

51:46

this topic of oversharing, get them

51:48

talking about it, and then see

51:51

if they will sort of talk about the

51:53

fact that they struggle with this. And then

51:56

you can have a conversation I have noticed,

51:58

you know, sometimes it is hard. What can

52:00

we do? I think it's better

52:02

than sort of any

52:04

kind of text message. I think

52:07

it's better that it's an in-person

52:09

conversation because it can

52:11

trigger a rejection sensitivity. The biggest

52:13

thing I have to say is

52:15

I wouldn't make anybody wrong and

52:18

I wouldn't make anybody feel like

52:22

this is a deal breaker because

52:24

I think that that's not fair. I think everyone

52:26

is working on something and maybe

52:30

own the things you're working on because

52:32

everybody's working on something. And

52:35

there's a bunch of people, Carly, wanting the red

52:37

flags thing. I don't know how to put it

52:39

into the chat. I don't want to go search

52:41

in my computer, but

52:44

they can email me caroline at

52:46

carolinemcguireauthor.com or maybe I don't know

52:48

if I'll have access to the

52:50

chat. Yes,

52:54

we can definitely

52:56

provide also your email and the

52:58

follow-up. Everyone who's

53:00

listening here, you will receive

53:03

an email from Attitude with

53:05

a link to the replay. So if you

53:07

wanted to share this with someone or

53:10

just review it yourself, you can see the

53:12

slides and we'll put Caroline's email

53:15

address in there as well.

53:17

So if you had follow-up questions or wanted to

53:19

get those red flags, you

53:21

can do that. Okay,

53:25

you mentioned just

53:28

a moment ago about reciprocity in

53:30

a relationship. A number of

53:32

people here are saying that they

53:34

feel they are always the one planning

53:36

and they don't

53:39

feel that their friend is reaching out.

53:41

And so I guess

53:43

that question is, at what point

53:46

do you cut bait? And

53:48

how do you know if like, is this other person

53:51

just, as you said, dealing with

53:53

their own stuff or are they

53:55

trying to tell me that this

53:57

friendship is not for them? Well,

53:59

so I... a couple questions because this comes up a

54:01

lot and I was just joking to

54:04

someone yesterday, you know, when I was pregnant with my

54:06

son 10 years ago, my friends didn't

54:08

get together at all because I'm the host. And

54:11

I was like really shocked. They

54:13

didn't do anything when I was

54:15

out on maternity leave. But I

54:18

think it's important that we think about

54:20

this because sometimes we are giving too

54:22

much. One of the

54:24

things I like to look at is,

54:26

do they, how do they respond? So,

54:28

you know, if you are

54:30

always the one who invites them, do they

54:33

say little things like, oh, I'm so bad

54:35

at planning. Do they come? Do they

54:39

seem to want to spend time with you?

54:41

And it's just that they're not great planners.

54:44

I also think, do they stay

54:46

when you're with them and stay

54:48

present in the conversation, maybe stay

54:51

longer than the conversations happening. I

54:53

also have a handout on this, by the way, called

54:57

green flags are signs that someone really wants

54:59

to be your friend. I

55:02

think the other thing too is,

55:04

do they share with you? Are

55:06

they sharing? Is the relationship increasing

55:09

in terms of sharing? Do

55:11

they give to you? If you drop

55:13

hints that you need something, do

55:16

they give to you? Is

55:18

it always their plan? So I think

55:21

a red flag or flag to me

55:23

of like, there isn't reciprocity is

55:25

that you're going to the movies

55:28

they want to go to, you know, you're

55:30

eating the takeout they want to do,

55:32

you're going to the restaurants. That to

55:34

me is where, yeah,

55:37

I'm now worried about the fact that

55:39

I'm always the one planning. How, you

55:42

know, responsive are they? And

55:44

what do you know about their history of responsiveness?

55:46

Because I would hate for people to account for

55:48

us as, oh, Caroline doesn't want to be my

55:50

friend. She doesn't text me back for three days.

55:53

I don't want that. You know, we have to remember

55:56

who we are. And One

55:58

of the other things is. That on. S

56:01

were both. I'm investing in the

56:03

relationship. they should care what you

56:05

wanna do to win the things

56:08

I would do is I would

56:10

say some things that you want

56:12

to do I'm and see if

56:14

they well if they buy or

56:16

if they're just on their terms.

56:18

I cause I think where we

56:20

want to cut the relationship as

56:22

if it's just on their times

56:24

on and they think the more

56:26

we have a shared experiences with

56:28

people we go to activities and

56:31

stuff. That is our high interest.

56:33

On is so that we are not board. That.

56:36

More we have the chance to meet

56:38

different people and the more we're not

56:40

dependent on one relationship so that if

56:42

we do, you have an emerging friends

56:44

and they aren't working out. We have

56:47

other. I'm irons in the fire and

56:49

we're not feeling dependent on ma'am and we're not feeling

56:51

like I have to put up with us because we

56:53

don't. We don't need to put up with any of

56:55

that. I love

56:58

that that's important reminder. And

57:01

he knew I didn't want it To men

57:03

say. It if

57:05

you're a magazine subscriber and I

57:07

hope you are in our summer

57:09

as we have a. A

57:11

feature of happy It's about loneliness. And

57:14

we know that loneliness is it

57:16

is a serious. Health. Risk,

57:19

and the Surgeon General of the

57:21

United States has has called it

57:23

an an epidemic and we know

57:26

that it's tied to cardiovascular disease,

57:28

the Mensa stroking baby depressing, and

57:30

all of these things. We learned

57:33

some interesting things. We surveyed about

57:35

four thousand. Attitude

57:37

Readers And you know, more

57:40

than half of you told

57:42

us that you feel most

57:44

comfortable in relationships with other.

57:47

Nero Divergent People. For.

57:49

A lot is understandable reasons

57:51

and so I guess this

57:53

is one issue. you know?

57:57

Makes you aware of the fact that. A

58:01

lot of people find comfort in relationships where

58:03

they don't have to. Explain. Themselves.

58:05

Quite as much an arrogance dice.

58:08

Also, two thirds of people said

58:10

that they feel better when may

58:12

make any effort to connect with

58:14

people. So if you're feeling had

58:16

to say about reaching out to

58:19

someone. Who maybe

58:21

lost touch with already placed on my

58:23

family And right as you and two

58:25

thirds of people said, they feel better

58:27

and less lonely when they make any

58:29

effort. So. I

58:32

decided to throw that America's that

58:34

this has been set it on

58:36

an eye opening and bit of

58:39

work that we've been doing on

58:41

Loneliness and it really does sell

58:43

Sell and Caroline think he's so

58:45

my for all of your contributions

58:47

to this conversation today. This is

58:49

really really such an interesting wagenaar.

58:52

I enjoyed it so much think

58:54

you know, Thank you and and

58:56

nom I Loneliness is a huge

58:58

issue and that's why I'm here.

59:00

I'm and that's why. I

59:02

have been. Here. For eighteen years

59:05

so that we can find a way

59:07

to make the connections that we need

59:09

and to feel good about the way.

59:12

We view friendship. Guess.

59:15

It's. Critical and is and they need

59:17

Everybody was listening today Sentence: I'm

59:20

I'm really Amazing Questions: Sue

59:23

If you want to access the A

59:25

resources and gain from this live in

59:27

are you can only go unanswered. Mind.

59:29

Dot Com and thirty or pipes

59:31

us or nine you're gonna find

59:33

that flies in the recording. I'm

59:35

in a few hours. And. If you're

59:38

listening and replay mode, you can

59:40

just click on the an episode

59:42

description near patasse player and and

59:44

know that you can only find

59:46

a full library of all our

59:48

weapon hours including Our Path of

59:50

North Carolina and in the eighties

59:52

The Experts Podcast on all of

59:54

your streaming platforms. and

59:56

mixer you don't miss any future

59:58

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1:00:01

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our newsletter at attitudemag.com/newsletters.

1:00:06

Caroline, thank you again and everyone listening

1:00:08

have a wonderful day. Thank you for being part

1:00:10

of the Attitude magazine. Thank

1:00:12

you. For more Attitude

1:00:15

podcasts and information on living

1:00:17

well with attention deficit,

1:00:19

visit attitudemag.com. That's

1:00:22

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