0:01

This is the hardest podcast

0:03

episode that I've had to record to date.

0:06

Since starting this podcast

0:08

back in 2019, many

0:11

of you have asked for an episode on grief. But

0:14

just like my episodes on trauma that took

0:16

years because I dug my heels in because

0:18

the words I was telling myself sounded

0:20

like,

0:21

how can you talk about grief

0:24

when you haven't experienced it? Unfortunately,

0:28

I'm

0:30

now part of this illustrious

0:32

club that no one wants

0:34

to be part of. My

0:37

beautiful mama passed away suddenly. So

0:41

I'm going to talk about grief and how those

0:43

of us with ADHD may handle it differently.

0:52

Thomas Edison, Richard Branson,

0:55

John F. Kennedy, Mozart,

0:58

Michael Jordan, Will Smith.

1:01

That sounds like a list of highly successful

1:04

titans in a variety of vocations.

1:07

Why is it that we rarely hear

1:09

that they have or had ADHD?

1:13

And you know what we hear even less about?

1:16

Serena

1:19

Williams, Emma Watson, Mel

1:22

Robbins,

1:23

Whoopi Goldberg, Agatha Christie,

1:26

Erin Brockovich, Cher. Yeah,

1:30

the successful women navigating ADHD. And

1:33

that's exactly why I started this

1:35

podcast, ADHD for Smartass

1:38

Women. I'm your host, Tracy

1:40

Otsuka. I'm a lawyer, not

1:42

a doctor, a lifelong student,

1:44

now a coach. I'm also

1:47

the creator of Your ADHD

1:49

Brain is A-OK, a

1:51

system that helps people like you figure

1:54

out what they should do with their life. And

1:56

we're here today to talk

1:58

ADHD. your

2:00

symptoms, your work around and how

2:02

you proudly stand out instead

2:05

of trying to fit in. I

2:07

credit my ADHD for some of

2:09

my greatest deaths

2:10

and you know what? I buy

2:13

a happier life for you too. So

2:16

without further ado,

2:18

a shiny new episode is starting

2:21

now.

2:24

I'm Tracy

2:27

Otsuka.

2:28

Welcome to episode number 249 of ADHD for

2:30

smart-ass women.

2:32

I

2:35

hope you'll subscribe to this podcast and

2:37

our newsletter over at tracyotsuka.com.

2:42

My purpose is always to show you who

2:44

you are and then inspire you to be it. And

2:46

in the thousands of ADHD women that

2:49

I've had the privilege of meeting, I've

2:51

never met a one that wasn't truly brilliant

2:53

at something, not one and

2:55

that my friend includes you. This

2:59

is the hardest podcast episode

3:02

that I've had to

3:03

record to date.

3:05

In truth, I've been

3:07

procrast to everything and avoiding

3:09

it like the plague. Which

3:12

means that maybe I didn't have to go

3:14

there, right? But I knew I had

3:17

to do this for my mother. So

3:19

since starting this podcast back in 2019, many

3:23

of you have asked for an episode on grief. But

3:26

just like my episodes on trauma that took

3:28

years because I dug my heels in because

3:31

the words I was telling myself sounded

3:33

like how can you talk about

3:36

grief

3:37

when you haven't experienced it?

3:40

Unfortunately, I'm

3:43

now part of this illustrious

3:46

club that no one wants

3:48

to be part of. So

3:51

I'm gonna talk about grief and how those

3:53

of us with ADHD may handle it differently.

3:56

But first I hope it's okay that

3:58

I share my story. My

4:01

beautiful mama passed away suddenly

4:04

in July. My nephew

4:06

and then my dad contracted

4:09

COVID. They had fairly

4:11

minor symptoms and they recovered quickly,

4:13

but then my mom got it. And

4:16

she had told me that she felt good and that she

4:18

loved me on Wednesday morning. In

4:21

the afternoon when I checked in with her, she

4:23

started to complain of migraines, which

4:26

got progressively worse by evening. The

4:29

thing is my mom often suffered

4:31

from migraines, so it didn't seem that out

4:34

of the ordinary. When I checked

4:36

in with her on Thursday, I didn't hear

4:38

back, but I was running around

4:40

and I didn't even really notice how much time had

4:42

passed. I had a day of meetings,

4:44

a dentist appointment. I had just delivered

4:47

my final copy edited book the

4:49

Tuesday before. So I had so much

4:51

in the work queue to catch up on. And

4:54

my daughter's friend Molly was flying in that evening

4:56

to visit. It was a busy day.

4:59

So

5:00

nighttime arrived and we were all sitting

5:02

around our island eating dinner

5:05

when I got the call. You

5:07

know, the one that you never want to get, the one that

5:10

forever changes your life. And it was

5:12

from my dad. My dad,

5:14

by the way, never calls. My mom

5:16

did all the communications in our family.

5:18

So I panicked because I just knew

5:21

that if he was calling me and

5:23

not my mom, there was something seriously

5:25

wrong. My dad

5:28

said, Tracy, mom had a stroke and

5:30

she's being airlifted to a stroke center at

5:33

Mills Peninsula Hospital to Uprolt. He

5:36

promised to call us back once he heard from the operating

5:38

physician. At that point,

5:40

we would then figure out what to do next. So

5:44

Mills was two hours from our home and my

5:46

parents' home in Sonoma County. It

5:48

also happened to be in the city of Burlingame,

5:50

which is where my parents bought their first home

5:53

and I spent most of my childhood. As

5:56

a child, we had driven by Mills Peninsula

5:58

Hospital several times a day. My

6:01

mom loved Burlingame and

6:03

Hillsborough, which is where we lived from the time I

6:05

was 12. Not so much

6:07

Sonoma County,

6:08

which is where my parents retired to.

6:12

An hour later, my dad called back to say

6:14

that once they had airlifted her to

6:16

Mills Peninsula, they did another

6:18

brain scan and they determined that the risk

6:21

in operating was too great. So

6:24

now all they could do was just wait and see. My

6:26

mom was in a coma and the doctors would meet

6:28

with us in the morning. That

6:31

next morning, we met with her doctor on the floor

6:33

of the ICU. He told us

6:35

that she had a large right side of the brain stroke

6:39

and they weren't able to operate because although

6:41

the brain scans looked good before they airlifted

6:43

her, by the time they got her to the stroke

6:45

hospital, it was too risky to try and remove the

6:47

plot.

6:49

We were told that all we could do was wait

6:51

and see if she might regain consciousness.

6:54

They didn't sound too optimistic.

6:57

So my mom was in the COVID section with all the COVID

6:59

protocols. Her doctor

7:02

asked me if her general doctor knew she had COVID and

7:05

did that doctor prescribe anything if

7:07

she knew? I said the doctor

7:09

knew, but she hadn't prescribed anything. I knew

7:12

this because my sister had had a discussion

7:14

with my mom about this. He

7:16

shook his head and he muttered something to indicate

7:18

that he disapproved of how her

7:20

primary care doctor had handled this.

7:24

That's when he mentioned that strokes are very common

7:27

among those with COVID. I've

7:29

since seen studies that there can be up to a 25 times

7:31

higher likelihood of stroke if

7:34

you have high blood pressure and you get COVID.

7:37

Of course, we didn't know any of this.

7:40

I mean, my mom looked at least 10 years younger

7:43

than a chronological age. She had just visited

7:45

her family in Germany for four weeks a few

7:47

months before and she was getting ready to

7:49

go to Japan with my dad. She

7:52

wasn't sick. She was very active and she

7:54

seemed in great health to us.

7:57

She did, however, have high blood pressure. took

8:00

medication for it. Going

8:03

into her hospital room was awful.

8:06

It was like a bad dream. I felt

8:08

like I was living all those news stories

8:11

where families are surrounding a loved one

8:13

in the COVID unit. Two

8:15

of us could go in at a time and we were outfitted

8:17

head to toe in what they call an isolation

8:21

uniform, which consisted

8:23

of a gown. It was yellow,

8:25

an N95 mask,

8:27

plastic shields, and gloves. Now

8:31

as compared to other COVID patients and

8:33

families, at the start and even

8:35

the middle of the pandemic, we were

8:37

actually really lucky because we could

8:39

be there. Every

8:41

day for the next 10 days I was there with my kids.

8:45

Well it took Marcus a few days to get home from

8:47

New York. But I was there with my kids,

8:49

my husband, and my extended family. The

8:52

prognosis got progressively more depressing

8:55

since my mother never regained consciousness.

8:58

Finally, the medical staff scheduled what

9:00

I'll call the pull the plug meeting with

9:03

all the doctors, which was scheduled after

9:05

a final MRI. All

9:08

the family was present at this meeting and my dad

9:10

made the decision to take her off of life support.

9:14

You know, his father had walked into a plate

9:16

glass wall in his 50s, never regained

9:18

consciousness so that would have been my grandfather right.

9:21

And he was in a coma for six or more years.

9:24

So

9:25

my dad with advice from the

9:27

doctors didn't see that

9:29

there was really any option

9:32

and interest. He was probably right.

9:35

But it was hard.

9:37

The whole process was so overwhelmingly

9:39

frustrating. You know, I think that there was

9:41

something positive only to be shut down once

9:44

it happened. It was almost like the goal peck. The

9:46

goal post kept moving, right? The

9:48

doctors would tell us her left side

9:51

was paralyzed and she needed to start moving it to

9:53

show she was recovering or she was improving.

9:56

And when she started moving it, well, that wasn't enough.

9:58

Then she started, you know, she had to do more. So

10:00

then she started lifting her left leg and her

10:02

left arm and I remember being so happy.

10:05

But then nope, that too, it was just

10:07

not enough. Regardless,

10:10

she was removed from life support with everyone

10:12

around her on Friday afternoon. This was

10:14

nine days later. From

10:17

what the medical staff said, we thought she'd live,

10:19

I don't know, maybe another hour or so. We

10:22

were all playing her favorite songs and singing

10:24

by her bed. But of course, what

10:27

the universe and these doctors didn't know was

10:29

that my mother was about as stubborn as they

10:31

come. My

10:33

daughter, who I dubbed my emotional

10:35

support daughter, I

10:37

could have never done this without her. She

10:39

stayed awake by her bedside all night with me.

10:41

The next morning, my mom

10:43

was still going strong. We

10:46

paid rapt attention to her vitals and

10:48

the horrible term that the nurses called

10:51

the death cell, which is this

10:53

rattling sound that someone who's dying

10:55

makes when they're trying

10:57

to breathe. I had never heard this term before.

10:59

And I'll say it's the most horrible term

11:02

I've ever heard and I beg you, if you are a

11:04

medical professional, to please find

11:06

a different word. I was fine

11:08

with my mom's labored breathing until

11:10

a nurse used the term. And

11:13

you know, our ruminating brains, right? I literally

11:15

felt like I was in this awful William Faulkner

11:18

novel, as I lay dying, right?

11:21

With death buzzards circling around

11:23

the room. Late

11:25

that following afternoon, it was now Saturday,

11:28

we were moved to what they called a comfort

11:30

room, which was anything but. I

11:33

think it was much more stressful than the ICU

11:35

room. You know, they take all the machines

11:37

and staff out that give you vitals.

11:41

So you have no idea. We had no idea

11:43

how my mom was doing. Before

11:46

I had paid rapt attention to every sound she

11:48

made, right? And that this

11:50

was the one. And I could

11:52

pay attention to the equipment. I could

11:54

see what her vitals looked like. But

11:58

after 24 hours of this. I

12:00

knew my mom and I figured she

12:02

was just going to play a trick on us and not leave us

12:05

for who knows, a couple of weeks, maybe

12:07

a month? I didn't know. I

12:10

remember looking at my daughter Ataya who was reading

12:12

on the window seat and my son was on

12:14

his phone. My brothers

12:17

and nieces decided to go grab some food to

12:19

bring back because in all of our minds, this

12:21

was going to take a while. I

12:23

was sitting right next to my mom's bedside and

12:26

for the first time in 10 days, I pulled out

12:28

my phone and I opened up Twitter.

12:31

I was scrolling, I swear to you, for no

12:33

more than two to three minutes and all

12:35

of a sudden my son in a panicked voice says,

12:38

mom, Oma is not breathing.

12:41

Oma is grandmother in German. I

12:44

couldn't believe it. I'm thinking, are

12:46

you kidding me? I missed

12:48

my mom's last breath because of friggin'

12:51

Twitter? I was completely

12:53

besides myself. Actually your mom is

12:55

dying and you can't even focus then.

12:59

I was never going to be able to forgive myself

13:01

for this. The silence,

13:03

that deafening silence lasted

13:05

for

13:07

at least 30 seconds while I sat there

13:09

not breathing myself,

13:10

begging that God, the universe, anyone

13:12

would make sure that I would be right

13:14

here with her when she took her last

13:17

breath.

13:18

And then she took

13:20

the biggest breath I've ever heard.

13:23

Just one. I

13:27

held her hand and she passed

13:29

away.

13:30

It was the best gift

13:33

I could have ever received.

13:37

My mom passed away on Saturday

13:41

at 5.17 p.m.

13:44

Late that evening after we left the hospital, we

13:47

had dinner at a restaurant and sat outside.

13:50

It was the calmest, most peaceful balmy

13:53

evening I've

13:53

ever experienced.

13:56

The sky was the

13:57

brightest blue I'd ever

13:59

seen. and there were stars everywhere. We

14:03

all had a cocktail for my mom. She

14:05

loved cocktails. When

14:08

we toasted her out of the corner of my

14:10

eye,

14:11

a shooting star fell.

14:15

Every Saturday since, I

14:18

get a message on my Apple Watch at 517 p.m.

14:22

that says Mom. It

14:26

was the honor of my lifetime.

14:30

To help her make her transition.

14:34

I was blessed beyond measure to

14:36

have her as

14:37

my mom.

14:41

Right after my mom passed, I asked

14:43

my wonderful assistant, Lydon, to

14:46

pull some podcast reviews for me. I

14:48

was working on a project.

14:51

The last review that she pulled was from

14:53

a young woman named Chelsea Kay.

14:55

These were Apple podcast reviews,

14:57

I believe.

14:59

I wanna read it to you because it made

15:01

all the difference in the world to me.

15:05

It was captioned, she's the ADHD

15:07

role model I've needed in my life. After

15:11

listening to a few other podcasts focused

15:13

around ADHD,

15:15

I stumbled across Tracy's podcast

15:17

to give some background my mom

15:19

passed away four years ago. If

15:22

it isn't hard enough to have ADHD as a young

15:24

woman, it was nearly unlivable

15:26

without the one person in the world who

15:28

understood me and my intentions. Since

15:31

then, so for four years now,

15:34

I've been lost in this fog of feeling like what's

15:36

wrong with me. I thought much of

15:38

it was just the trauma of losing my mom.

15:41

After learning a lot about ADHD, I

15:43

had begun to understand that what

15:46

I was experiencing was my diagnoses

15:48

and not a character flaw. I just no

15:50

longer had the support that I had when my mom

15:52

was alive. All being

15:54

said, I truly didn't know what to do

15:56

with that as I had no one in my life

15:59

to support

15:59

me.

15:59

I am

16:01

without discouraging the parts of me that weren't

16:03

so typical.

16:05

Having Tracy through this podcast has given

16:07

me back the confidence in myself

16:09

by opening me to this powerful community

16:12

of successful

16:12

ADHD women.

16:14

I can't even begin to find the

16:16

words to just how much I needed

16:18

this in my life.

16:20

This content is absolutely

16:23

everything.

16:25

Well Chelsea,

16:26

now it's your turn to be

16:28

absolutely everything. After

16:31

all, this is the only major

16:33

loss that I have ever had in my

16:35

entire life, which is pretty

16:38

damn incredible. I have a daughter

16:40

who just turned 25 and a son who's 21.

16:45

My mom also had me when she was very

16:47

young,

16:48

which it makes me feel selfish for

16:50

wishing for more,

16:52

especially when I read Chelsea's story

16:54

and I have friends who lost a parent as

16:56

a child. Still, I guess

17:00

we just assume our moms

17:02

will live forever,

17:04

don't we?

17:06

I'm grateful for you Chelsea for coming full

17:08

circle and comforting me by reminding

17:10

me of how blessed I am to

17:12

have had my mom as long as I

17:14

did. I

17:16

also have a wonderful supportive husband

17:19

and two kids that were everything I needed.

17:22

I can't imagine how difficult it must

17:24

have been for a young woman like

17:26

you to

17:27

do this by yourself.

17:29

You're amazing and if you're out there and

17:32

you're hearing this,

17:33

write me.

17:35

So this is my story,

17:38

but this podcast is about grief, right?

17:40

And how we might process it differently

17:42

than a neurotypical molt. The

17:45

strange thing is, I don't know if it's my

17:48

reticular activating system. You know, once

17:50

you're looking for something like, I don't

17:52

know, you're going to buy a red Kia and

17:54

all of a sudden you start seeing red Kias

17:56

everywhere, but I

17:59

don't think so. Several women

18:01

that I know lost their moms right

18:03

around the same time that I lost mine. And

18:07

I'm hoping to get them together for a podcast

18:09

in the not too distant future because I

18:12

think we could all learn a lot from them, myself

18:14

included. One of them

18:17

is a very good friend of mine and although I absolutely

18:20

would have gone it alone if the choice was that her

18:22

mother would still be here. But

18:25

if it had to happen to both of us, I feel blessed

18:27

that she was going through this almost

18:31

the exact time when I was. What

18:34

I also realized is like anything you haven't

18:36

experienced, you just don't get

18:38

it until you

18:39

experience it.

18:42

This is why I worry about talking about

18:44

anything that I don't have first-hand knowledge of.

18:46

You know, I've had many people

18:48

tell me that they've lost a parent and of course

18:51

I've said the obligatory, oh,

18:53

I am so sorry. But

18:55

in truth, I realize now I wouldn't

18:57

really get it. And

18:59

so when people say that to me now, I'm

19:02

thinking

19:03

you've never experienced this, you don't

19:05

really get it.

19:06

You know, my own husband lost his dad within

19:08

nine months of us getting married and then

19:11

his mom seven or so years later. I

19:14

don't even remember how I responded. But

19:17

I know now I wish I would have done

19:20

more.

19:21

So

19:22

let's start talking about what these differences

19:25

and how

19:25

we might process grief could be.

19:28

Now, remember, we're all different. So

19:30

our experiences will likely be different.

19:33

But given the brain we share, I suspect

19:35

that you might be able to relate to quite

19:38

a bit of what I'm going to say.

19:40

Okay, here's the first one.

19:43

Those of us with ADHD

19:45

may have a different perception of time.

19:48

We know we have time perception challenges,

19:50

right? But this might affect how

19:52

we experience the grieving process. We

19:55

might feel that time is passing too slowly

19:57

or too quickly or like in my case. we

20:00

may have no perception of time

20:02

at all. You know, I've

20:04

heard others who've lost a loved one say this

20:06

too, but everything

20:09

in my life is now marked by before

20:11

my mom had her stroke and after

20:14

she had her stroke. From the products

20:16

in my makeup bag to the expiration date

20:18

on food in the refrigerator, to clothes

20:20

in my closet, to photos on my phone.

20:23

Everything I look at, I

20:26

now look at through the lens of

20:28

when my mom was here versus

20:30

when she wasn't.

20:32

I have to constantly get rid of messages on my phone

20:35

so that my mom stays at the

20:37

top of my DMs. Yesterday

20:40

I opened an email and I realized that threads

20:42

started when my mom was healthy and here.

20:45

I'm constantly looking at dates and just

20:47

wishing and bargaining about if

20:49

I could just go back to that earlier date.

20:54

If I could have just known, if

20:57

I could have just run over to my

20:59

mom's house and checked on her.

21:02

I'm doing less of that, but it's

21:04

still there. The time

21:06

that has passed, it's almost like it means

21:08

nothing. It's almost like it stood

21:11

still and that any moment

21:13

my mom's going to walk through the door and she's going to tell

21:15

me, oh my gosh, this was all just a big joke.

21:19

I know intellectually what happened,

21:21

but it still doesn't

21:23

feel real.

21:26

I'll have photos of my mom everywhere and

21:28

I bought this beautiful

21:30

knitted

21:31

mommy rabbit and she has a little baby rabbit

21:34

in her pouch in her front pocket

21:37

and I bought one for my daughter also and without

21:39

fail I think of my mom every morning

21:41

when I wake up and every

21:43

night when I go to bed and I go

21:46

hug my mommy rabbit. Look,

21:49

if you have someone who needs a beautiful hand

21:51

knit doll, I

21:53

can't rave enough about the quality and the mission

21:55

of cuddle and kind.

21:57

I don't get anything for telling you this, I'm just so

21:59

impressed. with

22:00

the quality of what it is they do.

22:02

And they also donate 10 meals to a child

22:05

with the purchase of every doll. I

22:07

bought several of these and a few times during

22:09

the year they'll offer 25% off, but I've

22:12

never bought one for myself. And

22:15

it's weirdly comforting. She's

22:18

big. She's like 20 inches tall and she's super

22:20

soft and cuddly.

22:22

And I love her. I know I'm far too

22:24

old for this, but it gives me comfort.

22:29

How else might those of us with ADHD

22:31

handle grace differently? Well,

22:33

we probably won't do things like everyone

22:36

else, right? We may want more

22:39

options. We may be more

22:41

tenacious. We may be

22:43

more optimistic. And

22:45

like me, you may be a ball

22:48

in a china shop. We do

22:50

things differently, right? We challenge the status

22:52

quo. We're optimists. I

22:55

couldn't take what the nurses, doctors, and even

22:57

my family was saying. Everyone

22:59

had given up. I'm sure

23:01

they would say they were being realistic. But

23:04

I just have this belief that where there's

23:06

a will, there's always a way. It's

23:09

just who I am and it means I can't live

23:11

with myself if I don't at least

23:13

try. So

23:16

the first thing I did was research. I

23:18

wanted to know what helps people get out of

23:21

a coma. They had my mom

23:23

basically lying in the dark with crappy

23:25

music like elevator music, but she

23:27

would hate as they walked

23:30

around her speaking in these hushed tones.

23:33

It made no sense to me. So I found

23:35

a Korean study on comatose stroke

23:37

patients and multi-sensory stimulation.

23:41

It was a small study, but most of the studies

23:43

are small, right? And what it found

23:45

was that multi-modal sensory stimulation

23:48

played an essential role in the recovery

23:50

of unconscious stroke patients. And this made

23:52

sense to me. Get their brains to

23:54

hear music they love. Get their

23:57

brains to hear loved ones' voices, right?

24:01

Get them to smell things they know like

24:03

their favorite perfume and taste

24:05

things like lemon juice on cotton balls.

24:08

Finally,

24:09

touch them by rubbing their shoulders

24:11

and their hands as you talk to them.

24:14

And you do all this five times a day because

24:17

what you're doing is you're helping them to engage

24:19

all their senses. This

24:21

study also found that this early sensory

24:24

treatment provided by families, but

24:26

it has to be done, you know, at the beginning of a stroke.

24:29

But these sensory treatments provided

24:32

by families are more successful than

24:34

if the nursing staff does them and that

24:36

makes sense to me too. So

24:39

you can imagine some of the nurses hated

24:41

me.

24:42

My mom loved opera, so we blared

24:45

opera and all her favorite songs,

24:47

mostly from Doris Day and Joni

24:50

James. I put Lavender

24:52

Essential Oils on her pillow. She

24:54

loved Lavender since she was a child

24:57

and several studies also show that

24:59

Lavender helps with anxiety, insomnia,

25:02

stress, and even pain. We

25:05

talked to her and showed her photos while reminding

25:07

her about what happened in those photos.

25:10

When were those photos taken? Who was

25:12

there? I turned the lights on.

25:15

We spoke in a normal tone. Most

25:18

of the nursing staff was incredible. These

25:20

people were saints and so loving

25:22

and kind. But there were two nurses

25:24

who really should have been in a different line of work, like

25:27

maybe prison guards. They

25:29

walked in one day. Actually,

25:32

it was the first day that I met them. They

25:34

didn't acknowledge my mom at all. Didn't

25:37

say hello to us. Just turned

25:39

their backs and started typing into

25:41

this computer and then they pushed

25:43

us away from the bed while they checked

25:46

on my mom. And there was no communication.

25:49

They didn't say anything. They

25:51

just pushed us away so that they

25:53

could get their job done. But

25:56

the worst thing was how rough they

25:58

were with my mom compared to any of the

26:00

other nurses. I said, hello,

26:02

this is Tracy and this is my mom and you're

26:04

causing for pain being so

26:07

rough. And one of them

26:09

looked up and kept working, not acknowledging

26:11

anything that I was saying. And I thought, well, maybe

26:14

she's just having a bad day. But

26:16

I made a note to myself that I was going to

26:18

be in the room whenever she was there. The

26:21

next time my sister was in my mom's room and

26:24

I wasn't there, she pulled my sister

26:26

aside and said, your sister is not handling

26:29

this well and gave her advice

26:31

on what I should be doing.

26:33

Clearly, I should have been quietly crying

26:35

on the side of the bed or maybe I should have just

26:38

not been there so that she could

26:40

get her job done. Laughter and positive

26:42

emotion had no business being in an ICU

26:44

room according to her.

26:47

And opera music, Lavender Essential Oils,

26:49

oversees calls from my mom's brother to

26:51

her really didn't.

26:54

I would ask my uncle to call and talk to her even

26:56

though she was unconscious, hoping his voice

26:59

might trigger something in her brain. When

27:02

I ratted her out to the charge nurse,

27:05

I didn't even have to say this nurse's name.

27:08

Kim was her name, by the way. She

27:10

said the name for me and was kind

27:12

as could be and shared that I

27:14

wasn't the only one who had problems with Kim. Look,

27:17

I'm going to ask for forgiveness, not permission

27:19

kind of person. But because of this

27:22

horrible response from Kim, I

27:24

decided to get my mom's doctors to buy

27:26

off on this multimodal stimulation.

27:29

So I copied the study and gave it to them. They

27:32

agreed and they both asked to keep the study

27:34

so that they could do more research. And

27:37

I guess it wasn't such a ridiculous idea

27:39

after all, right? I also

27:41

brought in dozens of photos and made a giant

27:43

collage that I stuck to the wall so that everyone

27:46

in that room could see who they

27:48

were taking care of.

27:49

The woman that was lying in that bed was not

27:52

my mother and I wanted them to know who

27:54

she was.

27:55

Every single person that came into

27:57

that hospital room, I directed

27:59

to those photos first.

28:01

My mom, she was proud, she was strong,

28:04

she was smart, elegant, and silly,

28:06

bubbly, and beautiful. I

28:09

wanted everyone to see who she really

28:12

was. Several nurses commented

28:14

to me on what a difference that made to them. My

28:17

mom, she was a wife and grandmother

28:19

and daughter and sister and mother-in-law,

28:22

sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, and she

28:24

was my mother, and I wanted them

28:26

to see her in all of those roles. I

28:29

was always so proud to introduce her

28:31

to anyone. So

28:33

why would it be any different now? So

28:37

how else might those of us with ADHD handle

28:39

grief differently? Well, we

28:42

discovered that we're really good in a crisis. We

28:44

take over and we lead. I

28:47

think my family might have also thought I was just

28:49

a little nuts, but again, we're crisis

28:51

warriors, right? I was at

28:53

that hospital every day, and it was a two-hour

28:56

commute each way. I coordinated

28:58

with the hospital staff and my family because

29:01

I was there most of the time, and so everyone

29:03

came to me. I checked on my

29:06

family who was struggling. I communicated

29:08

with my mom's brothers in Europe. I

29:10

planned the church service, ordered the flowers

29:12

for the church, ordered the harp for the church, planned

29:15

the reception at my home, picked up the ashes,

29:17

bought the flowers for the reception at the flower

29:19

mart, and then put them all together. I

29:22

created the menu for the reception. I

29:24

had a good sense not to cater this. I

29:26

ordered the string trio, which I know my

29:29

mom would have loved for our home. I

29:31

was the point person for all the photos for

29:33

a slideshow of my mom's life. I bought

29:35

clothing and shoes for family members. I

29:37

picked my mom's brother up from the airport.

29:40

I hosted him for 10 days, which was

29:42

a gift. And I left

29:45

for New York with a day of the day after we

29:47

dropped off my uncle, and

29:49

I kept a major book deadline during

29:51

this period. My point in telling

29:53

you all of this is just that I feel like

29:55

I went into extreme ADHD hyperfocus,

29:59

which might also be an effect. the reason that

30:01

we handle grief differently. I also

30:05

wanted to control everything because

30:07

I knew that I

30:09

would do all of this as well as anyone.

30:12

And I also knew that

30:14

it was the last thing that I would ever be able

30:16

to do for my mom. I

30:18

knew how much she appreciated when things were

30:20

beautiful and there was a real attention

30:23

paid to detail. No one else

30:25

in my family really gets that or

30:27

cares about it. It was our thing.

30:30

That was my hyper focus. And if I had

30:32

to do it all by myself and

30:34

be the warden to make sure this happened,

30:37

so be it. As her

30:39

daughter, I was going to fight for this.

30:42

Business is probably also my own

30:45

way of coping, right? I need to stay

30:47

very, very busy. But I

30:49

also suspect that maybe this

30:52

is avoidant behavior. Although

30:54

I do feel like I'm processing

30:56

this in a healthy way. I've

30:58

been in action in the past positive

31:01

network, the TPN, not in the default

31:03

mode network, the DMN, where brooding

31:05

and rumination happens. Remember,

31:08

we have these two networks in our brain, right? And

31:10

when we're in action, our TPN

31:12

is firing and we feel good

31:15

when we're not in action

31:17

or ruminating and brooding and upset

31:19

and possibly hyper focusing on bad

31:22

stuff because our DMN

31:24

is firing. And so the deal is if you can

31:26

get out of all that negative emotion

31:28

by getting into action, by doing something,

31:30

by working out gardening, calling a friend,

31:33

planning a service, picking up ashes, hosting

31:35

a relative, changing flowers, maybe

31:38

you can stay out of the DMN.

31:42

I also, like many of you, frankly, I

31:44

just thrive in chaos. Another

31:47

area where we may experience grief differently

31:50

is social challenges. Social

31:52

interactions may be more of a struggle for

31:55

those of us with ADHD. People

31:57

with ADHD, we might

31:59

struggle with... the expectations and norms

32:01

associated with these kinds of situations.

32:05

For example, those nurses had an expectation

32:07

of how I should act and that included no

32:09

opera and no laughing, right? My

32:12

family probably wasn't a huge fan of

32:14

my optimism and unwillingness to just

32:16

listen to the doctors, Tracy, right?

32:20

I mean, and they had their own

32:22

right to handle their grief the

32:25

way that worked for them. And they were actually

32:27

fantastic. I

32:29

also didn't wear black to my mom's service. Instead,

32:32

I wore a coral pink, which was one of my mom's favorite

32:34

colors. And so now

32:36

I'm going to tell you something that I originally cut

32:38

from this podcast because it's going to be long.

32:42

And this is weird. But last minute,

32:44

I decided, if I can't tell you all,

32:46

who can I tell? So

32:48

I'm going to include it. I think

32:51

this is what my family really does think is

32:53

weird. And I'm talking about my extended family,

32:55

not so much my immediate family. So

32:57

my mom was cremated. And so I asked

32:59

my dad for ashes because I had read that

33:01

you can make a diamond out of loved ones ashes.

33:04

And I wanted something that I could

33:06

wear that would always be with me like a

33:08

ring or a pendant. What

33:10

are the chances, by the way, that the person who invented

33:13

that technology had ADHD?

33:16

Probably pretty high, right? The

33:18

problem is it takes a year to make a diamond.

33:20

And I wanted my mom with me now. So

33:23

I figured until then, I'll have

33:26

these two tiny little empty

33:28

Nordstrom containers. Yeah, you guessed it. You

33:31

know, the kind of big giveaway with samples of creams

33:33

and moisturizer. And

33:35

I'll have some of my

33:37

mom's ashes in each one of them.

33:40

And I cart them around with me everywhere.

33:42

In the last two months, my mom has

33:44

spent five weeks in New York City. She's

33:46

been to Austin, she's been to Bend, Oregon.

33:49

When I left New York City, I left one of the two

33:51

little Nordstrom containers. I mean, they're really,

33:53

really tiny with my daughter. So

33:56

my mom is now going to law school every day,

33:58

which frankly, I just, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. just

34:00

get a chuckle out of it. And I asked my

34:02

daughter, you're taking that

34:04

into law school? Are you putting it on,

34:06

you know, the big desk? And she

34:08

said, no, Mom, I've got them in the little pencil

34:10

case, but that sits on my desk. And

34:13

I asked her, have you told anyone? And

34:15

she's like, no, this is too

34:17

weird. So

34:19

when we got to New York City, I

34:22

think I had mentioned, I've mentioned in other podcasts

34:24

that, you know, we were so late and we had to find my daughter

34:27

a place to live in the Upper West Side

34:29

because she was starting law school. And

34:32

we got to New York City, and my

34:34

daughter and I ordered a cocktail and we ordered

34:36

one for my mom too. I think

34:38

it was the day we arrived. And

34:40

we placed a little Nordstrom container

34:42

in the middle of the table so she could, you know, have

34:45

dinner with us. And as we

34:47

finished our meal, the server came to clean the

34:49

table. He picked up the

34:51

ashes and I both went, and

34:54

then he looked at the ashes and then he did his

34:56

own, and then he apologized profusely,

34:59

dropped it quickly back on the table. And as

35:01

he walked away, my daughter looks at

35:03

me a tear, right? And she says, Mom,

35:06

I think he thought it was cocaine. It looks

35:10

pretty white.

35:11

So if this isn't a socially

35:14

unacceptable ADHD story,

35:16

you tell me what is. Okay, how

35:17

else might

35:20

we experience

35:20

grief differently with ADHD?

35:23

We may struggle more when

35:25

grief disrupts our daily routine and structure.

35:27

Now, my fear was more about

35:30

everything going back to normal, right?

35:32

And oh my gosh, there's nothing to do. There's

35:34

nothing to occupy me. I'm not running around like

35:36

a chicken without a head.

35:38

But for many of us, grief often

35:40

disrupts

35:41

daily routines and individuals

35:43

with ADHD may find this really

35:45

hard to cope with, right? These disruptions

35:48

that'll lead to increased stress.

35:50

For me though, I wanted nothing to do with routine

35:53

instructor because I knew that that

35:55

would give me

35:55

more time to think. And

35:57

so I'd be more in my DMN than in the next

35:59

video. my TPN, right? Again,

36:02

I think a therapist might call this avoidant behavior.

36:04

I'm not quite sure yet. We

36:06

also know that we don't have more

36:08

emotion than a neurotypical does.

36:11

We just feel more emotion.

36:14

And this means that our emotions can be more intense

36:16

and fluctuating, which can lead to heightened

36:19

emotional

36:19

reactions during the grieving process.

36:23

We can hyperfocus, right, and ruminate on

36:25

these very negative emotions.

36:27

Those within a 10 of ADHD who are more

36:29

in their head might be more likely to

36:32

experience this versus very hyperactive

36:34

women like me may struggle more

36:37

with this next one because we're

36:39

just moving and, you know, we're just not in it

36:41

at all, right? And that one is

36:44

difficulty in expressing emotion. So

36:46

what does that mean? That means talking about what's

36:48

going on. That means actually showing

36:51

emotion. That means seeking support

36:53

from others. So my friend Lori,

36:56

she's been on this podcast twice. She

36:59

has a program that I will link to that I cannot

37:02

remember the name, eDiagnostic

37:04

Learning in Texas. And

37:06

she basically tests kids and

37:09

women for ADHD and other

37:12

learning challenges. I shouldn't

37:14

say and other learning challenges. I should say

37:16

and learning challenges because ADHD

37:18

is not considered a learning challenge.

37:21

Anyway, she lost her mom shortly

37:23

after I did. And what she said

37:25

to me as I am go, go, go,

37:27

it is how I've always been. I

37:30

also thrive in chaos. Everyone

37:33

keeps saying it's going to sink in and I'm going to have a good

37:35

cry when it's all over. But honestly,

37:37

I'm not sure I will. It's like my brain

37:40

can't stay on the idea long enough to get

37:42

really, really sad. Some

37:44

of us may find it challenging to maintain

37:47

focus on the grieving processes,

37:49

which would explain our scattered thoughts,

37:52

our inability to focus and the go, go,

37:54

go. I can so relate to Lori's

37:56

comment. And I think for me, again,

37:58

it's less that.

38:00

my brain can't stay on the idea,

38:02

then I won't let my brain have

38:05

enough time to even go there.

38:07

Avoidant.

38:08

Like my mom, believe it or not, even

38:10

though I had this podcast that's

38:12

aired all over the world,

38:14

in times like this, I am very,

38:16

very private.

38:19

The day after my mom had a stroke, one of my brothers

38:21

posted on Facebook. I still haven't

38:23

posted anywhere, although I'm going to have

38:25

to once this podcast goes live, right?

38:28

So if my friends found out that my mom was

38:30

sick or had passed away, it was

38:32

because they saw his post. It wasn't

38:34

from me, other than a very few select

38:37

group of friends who I

38:39

talk to every day in texts

38:41

and so those women

38:43

know. Just like Lori, I

38:46

keep waiting for that literal fall apart

38:48

cry that I was certain would have happened

38:51

by now. But I don't think

38:53

it's going to happen either. I was too busy

38:55

holding myself together, so I could be

38:57

the strong one for those around me.

39:00

And once the worst part was all over,

39:02

any chance of falling apart was over too.

39:05

My mom was a lot like me, right? Certainly

39:07

a lot more like me than say,

39:09

my siblings.

39:11

Actually, my older brother, he's good in chaos

39:13

too. My mom was amazing

39:16

in crisis. And so I knew she

39:19

would be most worried about my dad

39:22

and my siblings. And so I guess my thought

39:24

was, do it for her. It's what she

39:26

would have wanted. Be the strong

39:28

one that supports them. The

39:30

downside though is when you're emotionally

39:32

so strong and you're so focused on checking in and

39:35

making sure that everyone else is okay,

39:37

people think, oh, she's a superwoman. She's

39:39

so strong. How does she do that?

39:41

And what that means is no one ever asks you

39:44

how you're doing.

39:45

It's been true. If they did,

39:47

I'd likely just change the subject anyway,

39:50

right?

39:51

And I think that's so

39:53

often how we cope, like Lori,

39:55

right? Go, go, go. What can I do?

39:58

How can I be in action? so my task

40:00

positive network is firing and then my

40:02

default mode network won't be so engaged.

40:05

What else?

40:07

We might also struggle more with procrastination

40:09

and avoidance around grief. You think

40:12

so?

40:13

So for whatever reason, I can't handle

40:15

the sympathy and I push away and go

40:17

inward, which is so weird because

40:20

I'm such an outward person.

40:22

I mean, my parents called me the Burlingame Blab

40:24

because I told all the family secrets.

40:26

But in this particular situation, I

40:28

couldn't even talk about it. I

40:30

have voicemails still in my phone from people

40:33

who left me messages about my mom and

40:35

I still haven't been able to listen to them. It's

40:37

almost like I can't listen because then it makes

40:39

it more real, which is ridiculous because

40:42

obviously it is real. But

40:44

if I don't go there, if I don't have to listen

40:46

to them and I don't talk about what happened to

40:48

my mom because I don't respond,

40:51

then it didn't happen. Sort

40:54

of. I also have some

40:56

friends who I text back and forth

40:58

with pretty much daily. I think I had already

41:00

mentioned that. And so they knew what

41:02

was going on and I felt terrible because

41:05

days would go by before I would

41:07

respond when they were checking in with

41:09

me. I was procrastinating

41:11

something fierce with these texts

41:14

and then they'd call and I'd ignore those

41:16

calls too. And they'd call because they were worried because

41:18

I wasn't responding to the text, right?

41:20

But I couldn't even respond to the calls either. So

41:23

in a weird way, it was comforting

41:25

to have people check in, but I couldn't listen

41:27

to their messages, nor could I get

41:29

back to them. For

41:31

my mom's reception, my son also pulled

41:34

together an hour-long video with all

41:36

the photos we could get together, starting

41:38

from my mom as a child. He set

41:40

the photos to her favorite songs and I

41:42

also promised my mom's brothers

41:45

photos of the actual day and videos

41:47

from those who spoke. But

41:50

I still haven't sent them. Something

41:53

that could go wrong did in my defense. And

41:55

the slideshow that played well on a giant screen

41:58

was too big for laptops. So

42:00

it all had to be rebuilt, which means I

42:02

had to find someone to do this. My son was back

42:04

in school. He didn't have time and he

42:06

just thought, you know, it's going to take me so

42:08

much longer than someone who knows what they're doing. It

42:11

also meant that I had to personally go through

42:13

all these photos and videos. And I've

42:16

always struggled with going through photos and videos.

42:19

For other people, this may make

42:21

them happy, but for me, I really hate

42:23

it. I can barely look through my kids'

42:25

old photos. There's so much

42:27

emotion tied to, for me,

42:31

tied to what happened to the time. Like

42:33

where did those babies go? And

42:36

they're alive and thriving. So

42:38

can you imagine how hard it would be to go

42:41

through my entire childhood and see

42:43

my mom who was always there

42:46

but is no longer? The

42:48

good news is I just got the slideshow

42:50

back and I've had the rest of the photos

42:53

and videos sitting in my email inbox

42:55

with all the links since August. So

42:57

by the time this airs, the photos and slideshows

43:00

will have been sent. But I'm embarrassed

43:02

about how long it's taken me and how difficult

43:05

it's been. I don't know what it is about

43:07

photos. Yes, it's the emotion, but

43:09

then it's also the whole organization around

43:11

them that I just don't understand.

43:15

And it's literally like

43:17

some of the hardest things I could possibly do,

43:20

stuff around photos and videos. So

43:23

these are just some general observations

43:26

on how those of us with ADHD might

43:29

experience grief differently. My

43:31

good friend, the psychologist and

43:33

procrastination coach, Dr. Christine

43:36

Lee,

43:37

told me something that

43:38

really resonated with me.

43:40

What she said is that

43:42

with grief, you

43:44

can't talk about it enough. Talking

43:47

about it really helps to process

43:49

it. So if you're struggling with

43:51

grief, find a good clinician.

43:54

You know, even delivering this podcast,

43:57

I was worried. I wasn't sure that I could do

43:59

it. I thought, oh my gosh, you're just going to be breaking

44:01

up throughout the whole podcast.

44:04

But it's almost the more I talk about it, the

44:07

easier it gets.

44:09

And the more actual positive emotion

44:11

comes from it rather than

44:14

that stabbing negative emotion.

44:16

I think she's ready.

44:19

So what have I learned since my mother's passing? What

44:23

I know that kept me sane and able

44:25

to regulate my nervous system like

44:27

nothing else was tapping. I

44:30

tapped in the hospital. I tapped on

44:32

the drive in to see my mom. I tapped

44:34

in on the drive out from the hospital. I

44:37

tapped at night when I went to bed and I tapped

44:39

first thing in the morning so I could get myself out

44:41

of bed. It was probably

44:43

the single most important self-regulating

44:46

tool that I have ever used in

44:49

my life. And I knew it was good,

44:51

but I didn't know it was this good.

44:54

So if you don't know what tapping is, I have a podcast

44:57

on it that I'll link in the show notes. I

44:59

think it's episode number 123. And

45:04

all the stuff we've been talking about for the

45:06

last, I don't know, four plus years, it

45:09

really works. The mindfulness

45:12

and then the somatic step, the breathing, the

45:14

hydration, and of course the tapping.

45:18

If you've never tried it,

45:20

you owe it to yourself to do

45:22

so. You

45:25

know, the beauty of losing someone really important

45:27

to you, I learned, is that

45:30

you literally become fearless.

45:32

I never thought that that would be

45:34

a byproduct. You have no

45:36

idea how much I hate hospitals,

45:38

how squeamish I am about medical stuff,

45:41

blood, you name it. But somehow

45:43

I did it.

45:44

And I was so surprised by my strength,

45:47

so proud of the way I handled all of this

45:49

for my mom. In truth, it's

45:52

the proudest I've ever been of anything

45:54

I've ever done.

45:56

And

45:56

I credit my ADHD for

45:59

showing up. in full blooming

46:01

color and leading the way. That's

46:04

why I could do it. I was

46:06

interviewing Elise Gendron

46:08

yesterday. She has a popular

46:09

Instagram account and now book called

46:12

the mini ADHD coach. Her

46:14

advice is all done in doodles.

46:17

She mentioned to me that she also lost her mom

46:19

and that once that happened, it was almost like

46:21

she forgot about herself and

46:23

how uncomfortable she was doing hard

46:26

things because now

46:28

she had literally done the hardest thing and she

46:30

couldn't believe how well she had handled it. She

46:33

too had done it for her mom. It's

46:36

almost like I have to do the hardest

46:38

things for my mom now too, because

46:41

I know that that would make her proud.

46:44

It's weird. It's almost like I have her by my

46:46

side at all times watching over me now. She's

46:49

there. I'm not alone.

46:51

Because I could do that,

46:53

I can do anything.

46:56

The worst part

46:57

is there's

46:59

no one to ask if you have a question.

47:01

That knowledge, it

47:04

went with my mom. For example,

47:06

I was looking for some piece of jewelry to wear that

47:08

was linked to my mom, and I found this little

47:10

gold ring with two very well-worn

47:13

pearls on it. I knew

47:15

it was either a ring that my mom had bought

47:17

for me when I was little, or it

47:19

was a ring that was my mom's as a child

47:21

and she had given it to me. But

47:23

I don't know which one was right. I

47:26

asked my dad and he didn't know. I asked

47:28

my sister and she didn't know. Then

47:30

I asked my uncle thinking that maybe he saw it

47:32

on my mom's hand as a teenager, but

47:35

he didn't know either.

47:36

That knowing,

47:38

it's gone with my mom. The stories,

47:41

they're gone with my mom.

47:44

I'll never know the answer. I

47:46

struggle with that. Some

47:49

other things. I used to hate the fact

47:51

that I was aging. I

47:53

would see myself in the mirror and an expression that

47:55

I would make. I

47:57

would think, you look like your mom, you're aging.

48:00

because, you know, my mom was 20 years

48:02

older than me. Now

48:04

today, though, I love

48:06

when I look like my mom. I

48:09

love when I sound like my mom.

48:11

My daughter and I, you know, when

48:13

I was in New York, we would be laughing about something,

48:16

and I'd say something, and laugh, and

48:18

I'd stop, and I'd just be so

48:20

aware that I sounded just

48:22

like my mother. She would have done exactly

48:24

what I did. She would have sounded like

48:27

I sounded. And so I see

48:29

her, and I hear her in me. Like

48:31

I never realized that we had the same mouth,

48:33

and we had the same smile, and we had the same

48:36

mannerisms, the same expressions,

48:38

and I love that.

48:40

What else did I learn? I learned

48:42

that her voice was so important

48:44

to me. It is so

48:46

important to me.

48:47

I wanted to hear her laugh, and I

48:50

didn't have anything. I didn't have any videos

48:52

that I could find that were like readily available,

48:54

but

48:55

then I found this short video that she had sent

48:57

me where she was recording my dad

48:59

playing with our dogs. We were somewhere.

49:02

Maybe we were in New York, or, you know, we were overseas,

49:05

and so my parents were taking care of her dogs and

49:08

our dogs. And

49:10

I just love that I hear her

49:13

throaty laugh

49:14

as she's recording my dad

49:16

playing with one of our dogs. I

49:20

also do this weird thing, you know, where I've always

49:23

had a voicemail of my mom,

49:25

my husband, my kids on my phone. I

49:28

cannot delete the last message

49:30

that they sent me because I'm always

49:32

worried about what if that's the last

49:34

one. So I had this one voicemail

49:37

from my mom, but it was just a check-in

49:39

for one of my nieces who forgot something, and

49:41

so I was kicking myself that I hadn't saved

49:44

more voicemails. So

49:46

my advice is save audio clips

49:49

of people you love because

49:51

you're going to want to hear their voices, and

49:54

it's really easy to do it. So

49:56

do it now. All you have to do is

49:58

just open up the voice. and

50:01

click on the, this is on

50:03

an iPhone, but I'm sure there's a way to do it on an

50:05

Android as well. You click on the little

50:07

square at the top of the message with the arrow

50:09

that points upward, and you can save

50:12

it to Dropbox or Google or

50:14

wherever you save, you know, your audio

50:16

clips, videos, whatever. And so

50:19

I was so upset, right, that I didn't have more

50:21

of those audio voicemails that I

50:23

just had that one. And what

50:26

I discovered was that if

50:28

you check in your deleted message

50:30

link, it doesn't matter how many years old it

50:32

was, I

50:33

clicked on that.

50:35

And even though they were in delete, there were dozens

50:38

and dozens of messages there from

50:40

years ago that I could then

50:42

save to Dropbox. And that

50:44

just literally made my day. One

50:48

more thing that I'd love

50:50

to recommend is that a

50:53

friend told me about

50:55

a podcast by Anderson Cooper

50:58

called All There Is. And

51:01

Anderson Cooper, you know, he, I don't know

51:03

if he's still with CNN, I think he is. He

51:05

started the podcast after he lost

51:07

his mom, Gloria Vanderbilt. And so

51:10

he talks about himself and his journey, but

51:12

he also interviews others

51:14

about their journey with grief.

51:16

And I just think it's a really

51:18

good podcast. I found quite

51:21

a bit of comfort in it. You

51:23

know, since I was in the first grade at Benjamin

51:26

Franklin Elementary School, losing

51:28

my mom has been my biggest fear.

51:31

And so it was especially cruel that we

51:34

had to drive by my old elementary

51:36

school every day on the way to the

51:38

hospital. I used to worry so

51:40

much that something would happen to my

51:42

mom. So I'd lie to the

51:44

school nurse and I tell her I had a really bad

51:47

stomach ache. So they'd call my mom

51:49

down and she'd pick me up. I

51:51

remember we'd go out for lunch and then we'd go home

51:53

and she'd make afternoon coffee and we would do

51:55

some sort of crafty thing together. And

51:58

then we would watch Perry Mason. or

52:00

the Saint reruns. I don't know if any

52:03

of you even remember the Saint. I'm totally dating

52:05

myself but it was with Roger

52:07

Moore who was a Bond guy, who was a James

52:10

Bond. You know when I realized

52:12

now I was the oldest of four kids so it

52:14

was rare that I got time to spend just

52:16

with my mom but

52:18

I really relish those times.

52:21

And you know I don't know that my mother had

52:24

ADHD. She wasn't diagnosed

52:26

and she certainly had no interest

52:28

in being diagnosed

52:31

but

52:32

we were so similar. I

52:34

was basically my mom,

52:37

a younger version of my mom.

52:39

And through all of this it's

52:42

really hit home just

52:44

how much I am like my mom.

52:47

We shared our love for crafty stuff

52:49

as I said.

52:51

We both had the same emotional dysregulation

52:54

meltdowns right before company came. You

52:56

know we plan these huge complicated purities

52:58

with recipes we'd never made before and

53:01

then of course we'd be totally stressed out

53:03

because it was so much more fun to try the

53:05

new things right than do something

53:07

that we had done many times and new week you know

53:10

could ace it. My mom was

53:12

silly and bubbly and the life of every

53:14

party. She had so much energy

53:16

and she was extremely driven. When

53:19

she wanted to learn something she learned it all

53:21

the way and she would always

53:23

be the best at it. We also

53:25

celebrated my brother's birthday on the wrong day

53:28

for the first six years of her life of his

53:30

life and she'd constantly lose

53:32

things she's tucked away for safekeeping

53:34

including many of the early Christmas

53:36

presents that she bought every year. My

53:39

mom had hypersensitivity like misophonia.

53:42

It literally made her nuts to hear people chew.

53:44

That's what misophonia is. And she was

53:46

a creature like me of specificity. She

53:49

liked things a certain way

53:50

and aesthetics were really important

53:53

to her. She really appreciated

53:54

beauty.

53:56

Originality was also so

53:58

important to her. She sewed all

54:00

her own clothes because she didn't want to wear

54:02

anything that anyone else might have. She

54:05

was one of the most creative people I know and

54:08

she was fun. Again

54:11

we were so similar except in one area.

54:14

I've always been the eternal optimist.

54:18

My mom, not so much.

54:22

I'm fearless and very external.

54:26

My mom was more internal. She was

54:28

in her head a lot. She

54:30

was born in Strasbourg when it was still part

54:32

of Germany. It's French now during

54:35

World War II. She was a

54:37

toddler when she was taken to the shelters night

54:39

after night in Berlin. I think

54:41

there were 363 air raids and bombings. One

54:45

day her mom walked by a camp full of Jewish

54:47

people and said, oh these poor people

54:50

in German. And she was whisked away

54:52

by the Nazis.

54:53

No one knew where she was for I think it

54:55

was two weeks.

54:57

My grandfather negotiated my grandmother's

54:59

release but it meant that she had to flee immediately

55:01

with her kids.

55:03

My grandfather was required to stay back.

55:06

My grandmother had never worked and she had three

55:08

kids at the time. And my mom tells a

55:10

story of somehow arriving at a farm in the

55:12

middle of a countryside and they were all starving.

55:15

And this lovely farmer took them in.

55:18

And so they were really poor and they often

55:20

struggled.

55:22

My mom's aunt was also sterilized

55:24

by Hitler due to mental health issues.

55:26

My mom and her

55:28

family were among the

55:30

fortunate. However, unlike

55:33

so many other innocent people, they

55:35

lived. There

55:37

were other things that happened during this time which I'm

55:40

not at liberty to discuss. As I said, my

55:42

mom was very private. But

55:44

suffice it to say that she endured more

55:46

trauma in the first few years of her life

55:49

than most of us will ever know in our entire

55:51

lives. And I'm astounded

55:54

at her resilience.

55:56

If you followed this podcast for any

55:58

period of time.

55:59

You know, I've been writing

56:02

a book.

56:03

As I was writing it, I realized

56:05

that I wrote it in large part for my

56:08

mom so that she could

56:10

understand herself better. I've

56:12

always felt that I was

56:15

my mom, but with all the opportunities,

56:17

the privilege, the unfair advantage. And

56:21

I was hoping against hope that

56:23

maybe I could help her just a little bit.

56:27

As I learned more and more about ADHD,

56:30

I learned

56:31

that she likely struggled to find the

56:33

optimism because of things that happened

56:36

to her in her early childhood. She

56:39

struggled to find the optimism because of trauma.

56:43

All I could see is her daughter, with

56:45

her brilliance, and all that potential.

56:48

And so when I discovered I had ADHD

56:50

and I really delved into how trauma affects

56:52

us,

56:53

I tried to share it with her,

56:55

but I didn't know how to do it by

56:58

speaking it. Instead,

57:00

I

57:00

bought books on mindfulness

57:04

and tapping in trauma, but

57:06

I don't know if she ever really read any

57:08

of them, although I will say that

57:10

the one on trauma was sitting by her

57:13

bedside.

57:14

When nothing seemed to really work,

57:17

I decided to write this book,

57:19

something she could read in totality that

57:21

would help her make sense of her experience.

57:24

It would give us a way to talk about

57:26

it, right? In other

57:28

words, it wouldn't be about what was

57:30

wrong with her. There was nothing wrong

57:32

with her.

57:34

It would be about understanding why

57:38

and how what happened to her likely

57:40

affected her responses and

57:42

how she might view the world. And

57:44

it would also be about, look, how fixable

57:47

it can be.

57:48

I mean, I'm an optimist, right?

57:51

So I finished the book on Tuesday and I

57:54

remember thinking,

57:55

I'm going to send it to my mom.

57:58

My dad was a dentist and so

57:59

So my parents are

58:01

science medical people. They're

58:03

old school, right?

58:05

And they couldn't really understand how any publisher

58:07

in their right mind would pay me, a layperson,

58:10

to write a book about a medical condition.

58:12

And so the perfectionist in me

58:14

thought, ah, it would have more credibility

58:16

when it was released as a real book, and

58:19

not just a copy-edited PDF on my

58:21

computer. So I didn't send it to

58:23

her.

58:24

It was Tuesday.

58:25

That following Thursday, my mom had

58:28

her stroke. So sadly,

58:30

I can't do anything for my

58:32

mom any longer. That

58:34

opportunity has passed. But

58:37

what I can do something about are all

58:39

the mothers and daughters,

58:41

and all the mothers and sons

58:43

that but for this book might never

58:45

have been given this information and a novely

58:48

son law. I

58:50

can give them an opportunity

58:53

to have the conversations

58:56

that I never could.

58:59

I can spread the word. I

59:01

can help them.

59:03

But I need your help

59:05

because it's a ripple effect. If

59:07

we change one mother's life

59:10

by giving her this information,

59:12

allowing her to see the brilliance of

59:14

her ADHD brain,

59:16

then we will change her daughter's life,

59:19

potentially her son's life.

59:21

We might change her friend's life,

59:23

maybe a teacher's life,

59:25

maybe even a stranger's life, right?

59:28

Depends on who she talks to.

59:30

Maybe she'll go into her doctor's office

59:32

with this book. And

59:35

then that doctor who may not know

59:37

what ADHD looks like in girls and

59:39

women can turn around and

59:41

share it with all of his patients. And

59:45

the younger they are

59:47

when this happens, that's one

59:49

less child that has to grow

59:52

up feeling broken and disordered.

59:54

They can start their life out looking

59:57

for where they're brilliant,

59:59

because we know. right? That what we focus

1:00:01

on just gets bigger. If we're looking for

1:00:03

the brilliance, we're going to find more brilliance. If we're

1:00:05

looking for the brokenness, we're going to find more brokenness.

1:00:08

But

1:00:08

this is the deal. I

1:00:10

need your help. We have so

1:00:12

many more women and girls that need us.

1:00:15

My book, ADHD for Smartass

1:00:18

Women with Harper Collins,

1:00:20

William Morrow. It's

1:00:22

now available for pre-order. Look

1:00:25

at this podcast, if our Facebook

1:00:27

group, if any of my free trainings

1:00:30

or my Your ADHD Brain is A-OK

1:00:32

program has made a difference in your life,

1:00:35

it would mean everything to me. If you

1:00:38

would please go to ADHDforsmartwomen.com

1:00:43

forward slash book

1:00:45

and pre-order it. And yes,

1:00:47

it's ADHDforsmartwomen.com

1:00:49

forward slash

1:00:51

book. Apparently if you have ass

1:00:53

in a URL,

1:00:55

you'll get what. Few

1:00:57

people tell you

1:00:59

how all-consuming writing a book is

1:01:01

and how it seeps into every part

1:01:03

of your life. I'll put

1:01:05

everything off for this book for the better part

1:01:07

of the year, convinced that I've

1:01:09

had plenty of time to catch up once the book

1:01:12

was done. The whole month before

1:01:14

my mom passed away, event after event

1:01:16

was canceled. First because I was trying

1:01:18

to get through my copy edits and then again, of

1:01:20

course, when my nephew and father contracted

1:01:22

COVID. On that Tuesday

1:01:24

that I turned my copy edits in, I rebooked

1:01:27

a reservation at a restaurant that

1:01:29

I'd promised to take my parents to. This

1:01:32

had been a reservation that I had had to cancel

1:01:34

twice before. In the evening,

1:01:36

my mom passed away. We were walking

1:01:38

out of the hospital with my family and I got

1:01:41

a text and I looked down and

1:01:43

it was a confirmation from the restaurant letting

1:01:45

me know that they were expecting us in, I

1:01:47

don't know, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. Don't

1:01:50

cancel the dinner.

1:01:52

They've heard the book.

1:01:54

Go spend time with your mom now

1:01:56

because I promise you that

1:01:58

the rest can win.

1:02:01

My goal now

1:02:02

is to make sure that these huge sacrifices

1:02:04

that I made and now frankly regret,

1:02:07

well that something good will

1:02:09

come from all of this. It's

1:02:12

certainly not the ending I wanted or expected,

1:02:14

but

1:02:15

now

1:02:16

I've got to make something good out of it, right?

1:02:19

I can't do anything about my mom's

1:02:21

life, that door is closed, so instead I have

1:02:24

to look for the open door. And

1:02:26

for me right now, that means changing

1:02:28

as many lives as I have the

1:02:31

ability to change

1:02:33

to honor my mom.

1:02:34

I know that

1:02:35

the reason I struggle much less

1:02:38

than other women with ADHD is almost entirely

1:02:41

because of my mom. She fought

1:02:43

for me and she allowed me to be exactly

1:02:46

who I am. She never

1:02:49

shamed me ever. If

1:02:51

my daughter had flocked out of the house with all the weird

1:02:53

clothes that I made, the oversized

1:02:56

floppy hats and the ridiculous hairstyles,

1:02:59

I would have most certainly said something but my mom

1:03:01

never did. My mom

1:03:03

might not always have been an optimist

1:03:06

about herself, but

1:03:08

she was always an optimist about me.

1:03:11

I had an unfair advantage,

1:03:14

a mother who loved me unconditionally and

1:03:16

thought I could do anything.

1:03:18

And you know,

1:03:19

because she thought it, it didn't much

1:03:21

matter what others thought. I trusted her

1:03:24

and so I thought it too. Let's

1:03:27

go change some lives. Please

1:03:29

pre-order the book at ADHDforSmartWomen.com

1:03:33

forward slash book. I also

1:03:35

want to say something quick about COVID. Please

1:03:38

take it seriously, it's not a joke. As

1:03:41

I mentioned, if you have high blood pressure, there is

1:03:43

up to a 25 times higher likelihood

1:03:45

of stroke if you contract COVID.

1:03:48

You know, because everyone in my family already had COVID,

1:03:50

not to mention all the misinformation about COVID,

1:03:53

we thought, oh, my mom will be fine. It's not that

1:03:55

big of a deal. So we didn't take it as seriously

1:03:58

as we should have.

1:03:59

want this to happen to another family and

1:04:02

I certainly never thought it would happen to ours.

1:04:05

Be kind,

1:04:06

follow the science, and lead politics

1:04:08

out of this.

1:04:09

And if you're a nurse, thank you so

1:04:11

much

1:04:13

for the work that you do. In

1:04:15

closing,

1:04:16

I'd like to share with you the eulogy that

1:04:18

I wrote for my mom.

1:04:21

Birds,

1:04:23

but not the drab-brown kind.

1:04:25

They need to be brightly colored and exquisitely

1:04:28

farmed with porcelain-like beaks and

1:04:30

perfect round little bodies. Hummingbirds,

1:04:34

butterflies, frogs,

1:04:36

and the color yellow.

1:04:39

Our beautiful mama, I see

1:04:41

you here, there,

1:04:43

and everywhere.

1:04:45

Memories.

1:04:47

Picking cherries in Brentwood,

1:04:50

Carol Burnett on warm Saturday evenings,

1:04:53

Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys too,

1:04:56

Lawrence Welk. Lots

1:04:58

of chamber music, especially string instruments.

1:05:02

The German School of the Mid-Peninsula.

1:05:05

Yummy, yummy, says my Temmie,

1:05:07

when we go to my terminal stand.

1:05:10

Heinzche, boom-beinzche, boom-boom.

1:05:13

Doris Day,

1:05:15

Elky Summer,

1:05:18

The Pink Panther, Copenhagen's

1:05:21

on Berlingame Avenue,

1:05:23

Yellowstone.

1:05:25

Well, that might be a memory we

1:05:27

all should forget. Life's lesson,

1:05:29

you cannot cook gourmet meals in an RV.

1:05:33

My mother was born in Wartorn, Germany in 1941.

1:05:37

By the time she was five, she had endured more

1:05:39

hardship and trauma than any of us have

1:05:41

experienced in our entire life. By

1:05:44

comparison, my siblings and I have lived a

1:05:46

charmed life full of privilege and

1:05:48

opportunity. Despite all this,

1:05:51

my mom was resilient. There was

1:05:53

literally nothing that she couldn't do if she was interested

1:05:55

in doing it. And she wouldn't just

1:05:57

learn things, she'd immerse herself

1:05:59

in them.

1:06:01

She was mind-blowingly inventive and had a

1:06:03

brilliant aesthetic. And she

1:06:05

was busy. Always

1:06:07

creating something. Above

1:06:11

all, my mom valued excellence.

1:06:13

She loved to sew. This meant that what

1:06:15

she sewed would be finished to such a standard

1:06:18

that you could literally wear it inside out and

1:06:20

no one would be the wiser. My

1:06:23

mom loved to cook. And she taught herself

1:06:25

how by cooking her way through the gourmet French

1:06:28

cooking compendiums, taking classes

1:06:30

with chefs in their working kitchens in the evening

1:06:33

because she had four kids to tend to during

1:06:35

the day.

1:06:36

She religiously watched Julia Child

1:06:38

and Jacques Pepin

1:06:39

on PBS. She loved

1:06:41

to flambé, so we joked often

1:06:43

about the time she caught the curtains on fire.

1:06:46

Did that really happen or was

1:06:49

that family lure? Another

1:06:51

thing I meant to ask her. My

1:06:55

mom loved to knit, but her knitting looked

1:06:57

nothing like my knitting. It was so

1:06:59

intricate that it rivaled the handiwork

1:07:01

you'd find in a Connemara sweater from Ireland.

1:07:04

The other day I pulled pages

1:07:06

of paper that were stuffed into the sleeves of

1:07:08

the last sweater she had been working on. She

1:07:11

tracked the intricate patterns that she knit by

1:07:14

writing down numbers for every row she finished.

1:07:16

There was so much writing, so many

1:07:19

numbers, over so many pages that it made

1:07:21

me dizzy. I have no idea

1:07:23

how she did any of this. My

1:07:25

mom loved music. She

1:07:28

loved to sing,

1:07:29

opera,

1:07:30

Doris Day, Brenda Lee, Andy

1:07:32

Williams, Ed Ames, Johnny Mathis,

1:07:35

chamber music.

1:07:37

When we were older she started to play the violin.

1:07:40

She would sneak off to the San Francisco Symphony

1:07:42

to watch their rehearsals while we were

1:07:44

in school. When she picked us up in

1:07:46

her burgundy and wood-paneled Oldsmobile

1:07:48

station wagon, she'd regale us with

1:07:51

stories of how she'd just met Itsuk

1:07:53

Perlman, chatted with Mr. Lath

1:07:55

Rostroprovich,

1:07:57

or

1:07:58

charmed Yasha Hyfeit.

1:08:00

She was silly. When we were kids,

1:08:03

she'd pull a pair of pantyhose over her head

1:08:05

and chase us around the house pretending

1:08:07

to eat goldfish.

1:08:09

She did that with her grandchildren too.

1:08:11

My mom loved her

1:08:13

grandchildren. Hayden, Kaylee,

1:08:17

Lena, Ataya, Hannah,

1:08:20

and Marcus.

1:08:21

And she adored her brothers.

1:08:23

We'd hear stories of how she danced with Manfred,

1:08:26

cooked with Wolfgang, and the

1:08:28

easy joy of her relationship with

1:08:30

Philly. She was fiercely protective

1:08:33

and oh so loyal to her family.

1:08:36

My mom was the heartbeat of every

1:08:39

party. No one commanded

1:08:41

a room like she did. Beautiful,

1:08:43

bright, and sparkly.

1:08:46

Everyone noticed her,

1:08:47

whether it was the butcher at the

1:08:50

Trini's or my boyfriend's.

1:08:53

We were so proud that she was our

1:08:55

mother. Preter, naturally

1:08:58

elegant and eternally youthful.

1:09:01

I expected her to live forever.

1:09:05

A lot of people get more set in their ways

1:09:07

as they age. My mother was the

1:09:09

opposite. She had boatloads

1:09:11

of empathy and curiosity and a willingness

1:09:14

to consider that maybe

1:09:16

how she viewed the world wasn't the

1:09:18

only way to view the world. And

1:09:20

maybe, just maybe, we

1:09:23

are all a product of our individual

1:09:25

experiences. I think what

1:09:27

I loved most about my mother in her later years

1:09:30

was just how open-minded she became.

1:09:33

Whereas she was a very strict mother,

1:09:36

as a grandmother nothing was a big deal. She

1:09:38

said yes to high school parties, yes

1:09:41

to man buns on Marcus, and my

1:09:43

personal favorite, yes to

1:09:45

tattoos. She welcomed

1:09:48

individuality, knew what was

1:09:50

important, and when it came to her grandchildren,

1:09:53

she was completely non-judgmental.

1:09:55

She saw no reason to sweat the small

1:09:57

stuff. Nowhere, however,

1:09:59

was she.

1:09:59

was my mom happier than when she was

1:10:02

traveling with

1:10:02

her best friend, my dad. And

1:10:05

she did a lot of that. 40

1:10:08

countries at Marcus's last counting.

1:10:11

Who gets to do that?

1:10:13

Turns out less than 5% of

1:10:15

the world's population.

1:10:17

My dad was truly the love

1:10:20

of her life.

1:10:21

Some of my best memories were hearing my

1:10:23

kids talk about conversations they'd

1:10:25

had with their OMA, where

1:10:27

she told them all the reasons she had fallen

1:10:30

in love with their grandfather. After

1:10:32

a party not too long ago, a tan

1:10:34

announced that her favorite part of the whole evening

1:10:37

was when my dad, her grandfather, kept

1:10:40

asking her to look

1:10:41

at OMA

1:10:43

and followed that up with, doesn't she look

1:10:45

great tonight? Hers was

1:10:47

a life well-lived. Our

1:10:50

beautiful mama, we cannot

1:10:52

miss you and at the same time feel

1:10:54

your presence. We can't

1:10:56

worry about the past or wonder

1:10:59

about the future.

1:11:00

So instead,

1:11:01

we'll be right here in the present,

1:11:04

focused on all the gratitude we can

1:11:06

muster. It was the honor

1:11:08

of our lifetime to have

1:11:10

been your husband, children,

1:11:13

grandchildren,

1:11:15

and friend.

1:11:17

Birds,

1:11:18

but not the drab brown kind.

1:11:20

They need to be brightly colored and

1:11:22

exquisitely formed with porcelain-like

1:11:25

beaks and perfectly round little bodies.

1:11:28

Hummingbirds, butterflies, frogs,

1:11:32

and the color yellow.

1:11:34

My beautiful mama,

1:11:36

you are here, there,

1:11:38

and

1:11:39

everywhere.