0:02

Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy

0:04

This I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Yes, that Kevin

0:06

Pollock? What's that? Oh gosh, thank you? I

0:09

don't ever really. I mean, I guess

0:12

I look younger than my years because I

0:14

sleep every night with my face covered

0:16

in the finest hummus. But I digress. Let's

0:18

meet our chamis Is. Shall we? In no

0:21

particular order? Please say hello

0:23

to Mark Gagliardi. Hello, Parky

0:25

Marcus. What is your favorite Bond film?

0:27

And why? Uh? My favorite

0:29

Bond film is Golden

0:33

Ie because of the video game.

0:36

Appreciate the honesty. Uh,

0:38

powder your nose? It's

0:42

such your pass on stunt and powder your nose?

0:44

Why would I write both? It's James Heney, please,

0:46

Marie Heaney. Uh.

0:48

When do you realize?

0:51

When did you really? I'm

0:53

literally unable to read my own writing?

0:56

When do you realize that you were not like

0:58

the other? Uh? Well, I guess

1:01

it was Uh well,

1:03

it wasn't me that realized at first. It was all

1:05

the others that filled me in on it. Graceful.

1:08

They let me know kind of one by one, and then

1:10

as a group. Does

1:13

that make sense? It makes a lot of sense, which is

1:15

why I try to gear my questions to you

1:19

for not a silly answer, but that's sort

1:21

of insight into your life. Yeah, I appreciate

1:23

that way too much. Next up, it's first timer

1:26

Alchemists. Uh please

1:28

give a how how did Jen Murray all

1:31

the way from La Trompe p a?

1:35

Jen? No relation to Bill Murray? What does

1:38

the following mean to you? Come

1:40

along, come along to the Royal Huggin

1:42

song. Oh, that was my summer

1:44

job. I used to work on the

1:47

trolley at Idlewild Park, shout

1:49

out and that was the

1:51

big line. That was the big line that got a lot

1:53

of attendant. Come along, Come along to the Royal Huggin

1:55

song on Mr Rogers trolley? Right on Mr

1:58

Rogers trolley? Right Yeah? Who

2:00

was from litt Roe, Pennsylvania?

2:03

And there we have it? Relation, Thank

2:06

you, thank you, tumble off the

2:08

car. It's Col Stratton, Coleman Lanern.

2:10

Isn't true you one shot a man and Reno

2:12

for saying Joey Greer's a funny fellow. That's

2:15

true. Anybody says Joey's funny. I've got a huge

2:17

body count. And

2:21

last, but man, you only shower with twelve agory

2:23

man if you think him least say sup

2:25

Fuckers to Joey s

2:28

Fucker's Google a friend and greer. Why

2:30

all the eyeshadow this morning? I'm

2:33

going through a phase. I didn't go to an emo

2:35

phase as a as a preteens. Al right,

2:37

kind of doing that hosting? Yeah, God bless you.

2:40

All right, let's get you our first scene. All of today's

2:42

scene suggestions were gathered from your listener emails.

2:44

If you'd like to submit yours, please

2:47

write to the podcast at your name here at alchemy

2:49

this dot com. That's your name

2:51

here at alchemy this dot com. Our

2:53

first scene, in fact, comes from

2:55

he who will not be named,

3:01

who wrote, hello Alchamis, and thank you for the wonderful

3:03

podcast. It certainly has ease my tedium.

3:06

Working as a plain closed

3:08

store detective. It is

3:10

not nearly half as exciting as it sounds.

3:12

It sounds just awful. My job

3:15

takes me to all kinds of small, rural

3:17

grocery stores owned by the

3:20

chain I work for. I often meet

3:22

managers that have no idea that they are

3:24

even paying for this type of service, and

3:28

served mostly regular small town customers.

3:31

I'd like to hear you take on my day

3:33

job. I'm sure you'll come up with some hilarious

3:35

customers and scenarios. I look forward to every

3:37

episode and hope you never stopped making

3:39

my work days just a little bit better. Cheers.

3:42

Name redacted due to witness

3:44

protection. So

3:47

I've milk down an Aisle two, and

3:49

then cereal is gonna be on Aisle three,

3:51

So that's where you're gonna find. Where's the bananas.

3:53

The bananas will be in the center, so we have

3:55

all the fruit and vegetables in the center. Okay.

3:58

So if you think of the grocery store, think of

4:00

it as a as a labyrinth, okay,

4:03

and the centers

4:05

as a labyrinth. It's

4:09

it's it's amazing, it's amazing.

4:11

I'm fine. I just every time I have to

4:13

do this, it just maybe use a different word if

4:16

you don't want to go through there. I'm not gonna get angry, Okay.

4:18

It's where is

4:20

the least obvious place for me to be so

4:22

customers don't sniff me out? Uh

4:26

in this labnitt Okay? Okay.

4:28

If you want the least obvious place, I guess would

4:30

be bananas by probably

4:32

in the center. If you want to just like mess around with the fruit, that'd

4:35

be great. Whatever mind would all be doing looking

4:37

for a location, you know, unless I know the better

4:39

is what I'm saying. And uh, just so

4:42

you know there last week

4:44

there was a crime committed here. Okay, there was

4:46

a there was a double homicide in

4:48

the grocery store, all right, and the detective

4:50

on duty couldn't handle it had we

4:52

had asked them to leave. So we appreciate you being here.

4:55

Well listen, Uh, that's exactly

4:57

why I was called in. That sort of

4:59

thing won't be happen. And again, I hope not perpetrator

5:01

to return to the scene. It's

5:04

a weirdo thing and I'm gonna do my

5:06

bet. Here's come to the the customer bananas.

5:09

So look there, Hey, hey,

5:12

yes, you're a new detective. I'm

5:15

sorry, are you the new detective who's

5:17

asking? I'm asking? Okay, I

5:19

see the physical being in front of me. I'm asking

5:21

what your business is. I'm also a detective

5:24

here. There's a bunch of us around. I just wanted

5:26

to know if you're new on the shift. Who brought you in?

5:28

The boss? Krensky Krensky,

5:34

Hey, guys, he's just here's to use

5:36

the new detectives. Yeah, he's the new

5:38

guy. This guy is pretty cool fresh. What's new

5:40

guy? There's a bunch of us in here, so he said, where

5:43

the sex and all kinds of things? He coming to warm

5:45

up there? Yeah, yeah, I just had to get out of the freez

5:47

to sexy per minute. I noticed that

5:49

that's a tough post. Yeah, this is. It's

5:51

about the worst post here. You got your on bananas? I

5:53

am on banana. If you guys

5:56

weren't near me right now though, all right, right right, nobody's

5:58

supposed to know any of this. I'm are you out

6:00

of the freezer? Back in

6:02

the freezer? Please, Mr

6:05

Detective meet not to know we're doing this.

6:08

This is a good time, This isn't a good time.

6:11

I'll get back to the chef boy r D section

6:14

man if that's the thing. Right now, I got mini Rabbi

6:16

only ten for dollar? Can the detective

6:18

stop talking to each other? Many customers

6:20

come in here? Where's customers come in

6:22

here? Because the dumb mohammed side you're not so busy?

6:25

Well a little bit okay, but also our prices have risen

6:27

just a bit. Okay, it's not me, it's inflation.

6:29

Okay, I didn't do this. You don't personally decide

6:32

what the pricing? No, but everyone comes at me like I'm

6:34

the guy who's doing it all right, Yes, okay, I'm the face

6:36

of the company. Yes, I'm an individual who

6:38

has power in that way, but I don't choose to

6:40

do that. Does the actual marking of the prices?

6:42

Do you have one of them guns that put the price on

6:45

the cans? Can I see that?

6:47

Ye? Can we all see

6:50

this? Yeah? Okay, okay, everyone?

6:54

Can I break cover for a minute. Yeah,

6:57

that's right, Thank you, Like you did when you approached

6:59

me and asked me, well, you're a detective, I

7:01

could clearly tell you. We're galking around this

7:03

corner with your name again, Rick

7:06

Phillips. Rick Phillips, Yeah,

7:09

that is my name. How did you know that? You're good?

7:11

You're good? My good? Are you just a complete

7:13

and total waste of my time? Oh my god? Look,

7:16

it's it's your mom's birthday. Anything's

7:18

gonna do. Just get one of those premade cakes. Who

7:20

cares? You know that? I can't do that. She's allergic

7:22

to everything. Come on and don't get her anything?

7:25

Then? Oh my god. This is why I want

7:27

a divorce. This is why I asked, okay, and this is why

7:29

I refuse. All right, I want to make it

7:31

work out. Okay, I can't. I can't

7:33

with you anymore, you know what I mean. And I don't know why went to this grocery

7:35

store. Don't people get murdered here allegedly? All

7:37

right, I don't know. Okay, it's place is huge.

7:40

Come on, look, let's just let's just get

7:42

her a cake and just bounce from here. Come on,

7:46

hey, guys, Oh, sorry,

7:50

down here? Thank you? Thank you? Cakes?

7:53

Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, I'm sorry. Do you have

7:55

anything that maybe is gluten free

7:57

nut free air? Air with like wrinkles

8:00

on it? Oh gosh, I'm sorry, just single because

8:02

I seriously can't with this guy. Sounds

8:05

like you guys go into something.

8:07

Yeah, we are, and we're rebuilding. Oh

8:11

okay, yeah, we're rebuilding.

8:14

Way to use the buzzwords from therapy. Okay,

8:16

Oh my god, I can't use the words. Oh

8:19

yeah, are you gonna pay for this cake? Yeah? I'm gonna pay

8:21

for the cake. Oh yeah. How much is a frozen cake? Fifty

8:23

cents? It's just this is a little

8:25

more than more than fifty cents. I'm not gonna pay a

8:27

little more than fifty cents. Do you know what

8:29

I'm doing. I've seen couples like you come

8:32

in here before. Hang on a second. Let me let

8:34

me just write something on this cake that I think. I think we'll

8:36

we'll really solidify your relationship

8:38

answers. Here

8:41

you go, here, you go. This, this one's just

8:43

for you, guys. Stuck your finger in the cake and wrote it

8:45

with you. I didn't think that. Man,

8:47

I can't read it. But he's just kissing in a different section,

8:50

just kind of just moved it. This cursive. I can't

8:52

read. They don't teach cursive anymore. Kids.

8:54

No, I don't cursive. First, forget

8:57

it. I hope your love is very happy

9:01

back in the freezer. Yes, that's where he works.

9:03

Clear like it's always negative.

9:05

Huh. Don't you report me? Okay?

9:08

Can you handle the conversation where you support me?

9:10

Sure, let's have a conversation where I support

9:12

you. Excuse me, mrs Their problem here

9:14

is this gentleman giving you talking to me? Who

9:17

are you speaking to? I'm talking to the lady.

9:19

First, sir, could you back off? Could you give

9:22

us two and a half feet? He's jealous,

9:24

Sorry, he's got major issues. Is

9:26

there something I can do to help? Yes? I'm looking

9:28

for a dessert from We're looking for a dessert. Hold

9:31

on just a second. What is your name, sir? My

9:33

name is Yes. How do

9:35

you spell that? T R O, N H, E R and

9:38

H? Okay? Can you stay in a corner? Tronter? Yes?

9:40

Please? I need five five

9:44

five feet from me? Okay, right,

9:46

all right, one. I'm

9:49

so sorry about him, I really am. I We're really

9:51

working on it in therapy. We're really trying. But do

9:54

you feel physically threatened by this

9:56

man? If you say yes,

9:58

matters will be taken. Okay,

10:00

look what look? What what kind of matters? Yeah?

10:02

Does he leave a mark on you? Oh?

10:04

I mean on my heart? Yeah? We've been married like five

10:07

years. You know. I just really

10:09

trying. Have you ever been to a casino where you're

10:11

playing black jack and uh, the

10:13

dealer has to go and break from their shift

10:16

and they'll clap their hands sort of like this and

10:18

then throw them up in the air like I'm done

10:20

here. Oh yeah, I've seen that in a movie. So

10:23

that's what I'm metaphorically doing. Right, How long

10:25

do I got to be over here? If you're telling

10:27

me that he the only mark he leaves is on your

10:29

heart? I can't I

10:32

win the black jacket a close

10:34

up magic. I don't want to miss close

10:36

up magic. Sure, John dra to get over

10:38

back over here. What's a trick? The

10:41

trick is you watch yourself around

10:43

this lady, she's got a very sensitive heart?

10:46

Are you following me? I

10:48

have before? What does that have to do with anything?

10:51

It has to do with everything. Okay? Did

10:53

you tell him I followed this guy? What did

10:55

you tell him that I was following him around? Look?

10:57

I got a hobby. I'm a follower. Okay, what

11:00

so who else do you follow me? Stop?

11:03

I live with You don't need to follow you. Maybe if

11:05

you did, you'd hush stop hassling people like

11:08

myself. Maybe Billy

11:11

check it out? A pricing gun? Someone just left

11:13

it here in the aisle. Oh my god? Do you know what we

11:15

could do with this? We could set everything to zero

11:17

and bankrupt this pitch. No, no, no, no,

11:20

that would be too obvious. One cent. We

11:22

gotta have some price. You can't ring up zero.

11:25

But what if they tried? Well would

11:27

happen? Sam? Do you want to get

11:30

away with this? Do you want to get busted? You're

11:32

right? One senate is one senate

11:34

is great Oh my god, what are we

11:36

gonna get first? I don't know. We could price

11:38

these well, this is the penny candy aisle. Let's go bigger

11:41

stop. Okay,

11:43

what's the most expensive thing. That's where

11:45

we get the biggest deal. Well, I used to watch

11:47

supermarket sweep a lot and they made a lot of money

11:49

on those hoses and Hams hoses,

11:52

Yeah, because they have garden noses in one section and

11:54

they retail for a lot. Or there's just the

11:56

big old Hams. We could price the big old hands

11:58

at a penny. Okay, big old

12:00

Hans. Let's do it. Let's do it, samp.

12:02

Alright, just just gotta pass the frozen foods

12:04

to the deli right there there. I've

12:07

never used to gun, you

12:09

know, just just point okay, in price,

12:12

price, in price, in

12:15

price. How much money you got, samp. I've

12:17

got four cents in price? Okay,

12:20

let's go. It's all four cents, yeah,

12:22

cheef. Four pennies that I took from the leave a

12:24

penny, take a penny. I just took pennies. It took

12:26

four Now you to realize that you've

12:29

been You've been brought into this

12:31

office because you were caught cut,

12:34

caught on tape changing

12:36

the prices at the store. You understand

12:39

that I am a phone call away from

12:41

both of your parents. Please, I'm too young

12:43

to go to Julie. I'm

12:46

nine and i'm ten. All

12:48

right, what was your name? Uh?

12:51

Sam? Boy? Yes, I'm

12:55

Sam. What's your friend's name?

12:57

I don't remember giving fake names. I'm

12:59

going to need I just heard that I'm

13:01

gonna need some answers. Sorry, sorry,

13:04

your public defender. I just

13:06

just got your little late. Actually you're

13:08

a little early. I haven't even charged him with a crime.

13:10

Then they're free to go, not

13:12

free to go. They were caught on tape. Shall

13:15

we watch it together? Yes, you're

13:17

Sam? Which one to Sam? Sam?

13:21

In the cans? And the other one's name is Billy.

13:24

You said you're saying I was lying, but

13:26

now that I had my public defender, I wanted to just be

13:28

honest. What was your name? Public defender?

13:31

My name is actually Sam. So this is why

13:33

I don't understand. You. See, if you could find

13:36

some sort of idea on these two nine,

13:38

there's no I d okay,

13:40

no wallet on this one. You know, it's real

13:43

clear. I'd call the actual

13:45

police. They come down here and they just take you

13:47

away. That's exactly

13:49

what or I can

13:51

get you know your mother on the phone. You can have a

13:53

little conversation, and this is all done, but

13:56

without involving the actual police. Take the deal.

13:59

Take we should

14:01

take it right. I don't know what's

14:03

your home number. They're saying, well,

14:07

my number or his number. The kids

14:09

you said say, I didn't know who you were speaking. His name is

14:11

saying, well, my name is I. Then he said it was Billy. You got

14:14

how do you spell yours? Let me street and everything

14:16

out? How do you spell yours? Am?

14:18

No, my name is

14:21

Billy? Alright. I

14:23

said it was Sam because I didn't want to know my name. Sam's

14:25

his name. My name's Billy. I can't tell you

14:28

my name because witness protection.

14:31

So you've been through something like this before. What

14:34

town was that in? I'm not really supposed

14:36

to say. I'll get it.

14:40

I'm just tell him what. I'm your lawyer at finn It's

14:42

fine Denver,

14:45

Colorado. If you two kids heard a good cup

14:47

bad cup, because you're about to meet

14:49

bad cut, but you're only one person,

14:51

that's exactly right. I'll be I gotta

14:54

go out in the way and get bad cup. Oh

14:56

man, Alright, guys, listen, this is gonna go

14:59

heavy. If that I was not the bad cop, I don't know what the

15:01

hell is could have happen. Okay, now, my legal

15:03

protection only goes so far. All right,

15:06

you're ten, you're nine? Maybe maybe

15:08

Sam, I don't know. You're spinning the yard of lies.

15:11

I don't know what's going on here. I'm on your

15:13

team here. I need to know what's going down. Well,

15:16

what should we do? Billy? I don't know. I

15:18

mean I never thought just so sorry, she's

15:23

you got me confused. I'm telling you for cup six

15:25

my names freezer just opened in the air. Hey,

15:28

guys, we couldn't

15:30

quite get a bad cop right now, so frozen

15:32

cops gonna have to do this. Okay, all right, you

15:35

know which one are used, Billy,

15:38

and which one he's from Denver? I'm from Denver.

15:40

I'm also from Denver. I don't know. And

15:44

you're you're the one that's clear than an adults.

15:46

Oh yes, I

15:48

don't know if I can handle this. Maybe we need to get Banana

15:51

cup in here. I'm gonna go outside.

15:54

I guess we gotta get our story straight here. Okay, we

15:56

gotta hear a story straight here. Look I'm from Denver

15:58

too, all right? And what was the round? What happened?

16:00

Did you do? What? We were pricing things

16:02

for a penny? That's it, that's all. We didn't

16:05

know if that the witness protection? Hello him,

16:10

Banana Cop? How

16:13

is everyone doing really good?

16:16

I heard um there's been some trouble

16:18

with guns. Is your whole

16:20

outfit made up bananas? Thank

16:22

you for no doing? Oh

16:25

my gosh, you m right into

16:27

the banana stam. I only can

16:29

hope, even

16:32

Banana Cop. When we were walking around, do

16:34

you have to change your outfit like every four days

16:37

because it browns? Oh

16:39

that's such a great question. You're such a great

16:41

guy. Yes, yes, I

16:43

do. I brown and then

16:45

I change. I

16:48

feel like she's lulling us into a fake

16:50

sense of like, well, I just

16:52

want to be honest. You know, she's great.

16:54

Touched the bananas with the pricing that did

16:57

you change the price? And banana just

16:59

m We started in Hams and we went for the big

17:01

time. Okay, that or hoses,

17:04

and we didn't know what we'd do with hoses. You

17:07

didn't know what you would do with hoses? Well, I mean I know what

17:09

I would do with one hose, but a whole bunch of hoses.

17:11

You just need one, right, unless you're giving to

17:13

think about it. We could have had a lot more fun with hoses

17:16

than giant hams. We

17:18

could have had a massive sprinkler thing happening

17:20

and brought all the friends over. Slip and slide Hams

17:23

would just be like, I guess we're pretending it's Christmas,

17:25

or you compete in them before they bought and then if when

17:28

someone uses in the zipee in them. These

17:32

are really but honestly,

17:34

we were just trying to We found it on

17:36

the floor. It wasn't our fault. We didn't even know it was

17:38

against the rules. Why would they leave a price gun

17:41

on the ground if we weren't allowed to use. Well,

17:43

people are messy, you know. But you didn't touch the

17:45

bananas, right, We did not touch the bananas?

17:47

Okay, got a split? Oh

17:52

hello, yeah, listen, I

17:55

got both of your mom's on the way

17:57

in. Oh no,

17:59

yeah. I was to use the tape

18:01

and post it on my Instagram account

18:03

and just

18:06

local people and your mom's both. What

18:09

is your handle? I would love to follow follow her? Follow

18:12

your your handle? Yeah, and that's not gonna happen. I'll

18:14

come on, let your hand follow

18:16

for follow You're Sam from Denver's right,

18:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah, You're not gonna follow

18:20

me on Instagram? You follow too many

18:22

people. Come on, let me just follow you. You

18:25

have no discerning ability in terms of who

18:27

you follow. No, it's all embarrassing follow

18:30

like eleven thousand people. Just slip

18:32

out. Let's just slip out. Just let me callow you. It

18:34

doesn't it's like, let me just follow you, all right? What's

18:36

your handle? My hand is Sam at Sam from

18:38

Denver, but the Denver is d I n

18:40

v e R because it was already taken d

18:43

I n v e R Denver.

18:45

Well it's Denver, but yeah it's Denver, Sam

18:47

at Denver. Well, Sam from Denver, at

18:50

Sam from Denver and from his How many

18:52

m's in your Sam?

18:57

We just barely got away with that. I know. I

18:59

can't believe it. Think God for Instagram,

19:01

But it just occurred to me. Our

19:03

moms are on their way over here anyway, That's

19:06

true. They're going to see us no matter what we do.

19:08

Are you boys looking for their way out? Oh

19:10

my gosh, yes, we

19:13

need to get out. Follow me into the dumpster.

19:17

Inside of the dumpster, Yes, there

19:20

is a staircase underneath the dumpster. How

19:22

do you think I got away with a double homicide last

19:24

week? Oh? No more questions. Let's

19:26

follow ullow down

19:28

the stairs. Okay, how it's darts down

19:30

here? Yes, it is underground and

19:32

behind the dumpster, several

19:37

fathoms deep. I

19:39

hear you boys found the gun inside. Yeah?

19:42

Was it wipe clean of fingerprints? I

19:44

don't. We didn't wipe it clean at all.

19:47

But you had this gun

19:49

in your possession. We did,

19:51

and they took it from us. They

19:54

least the gun from you, but you felt moments of what

19:56

the power of a gun is. Absolutely yes,

19:59

we could have had a We had like four

20:01

hams. Wait, you were

20:03

shooting hams. We were shooting

20:05

hams? Were you shooting hams? We

20:07

were trying to knock down the prices. Do

20:10

not understand that prices are set by free

20:12

markets. I don't understand.

20:14

You have a pricing gun, I mean anything, Oh

20:19

boy, pricing gun. I

20:22

feel there are a lot of really cool gadgets you have

20:24

on this table. You probably should not touch those. None

20:26

of those are for price. Oh put that down, Put

20:29

those downs, Put those down alight. I'm

20:31

going to have to ask you to leave my layer right, No, this

20:33

is I'm going down arm

20:36

Hams are up there. We gotta stay down here, and yeah you gotta

20:38

raise us now hold

20:40

on, hold on hello,

20:43

bank, things

20:46

are things are not so good. There are no two children

20:48

down here? Do you need? Two children

20:51

are down here? I would call them the chilgun food. Ah.

20:54

Well, look the plans are all changing

20:56

right now because of these two children that are

20:58

just shown up. They're playing with all my wissy warry

21:00

guns. Is quickly int please again,

21:03

Okay, you know what to do. I don't know what to do.

21:05

I don't want to do it. Click did

21:08

you just say? Click? Was

21:11

that doing? The kid that you are about to hang up on me? I

21:18

really really hate that guy. We

21:20

could have slipped out during that whole thing. We should

21:22

have we should have. This room is so cool. You

21:25

put my whissy warry guns down? Okay,

21:28

fine, but that's they seems

21:30

really fun. They are very fun.

21:33

What kind of technology is that it

21:36

is? It is not firm around here. It's

21:38

cool. Sam's from not around here. He's in the

21:40

Witness Protection Agency program.

21:43

I don't remember in

21:45

white you are in whit SEC. Yeah

21:48

wait you're not. You're not that kid from Denver,

21:50

are you, oh

21:52

ship, No, you

21:55

told him upstairs that you were from Denver. You know this

21:57

guy is coolly brought us into his dumpster downstairs.

22:00

Mouthy friend is very trusting. Yeah,

22:03

it's me. Wait a second,

22:06

take your hat off. What

22:09

what? Don't reach for that? Don't

22:12

I knew it? I knew it. I

22:15

thought they put you away after be testified against you.

22:17

You thought wrong, little one. You thought wrong, little

22:20

one. I have been down here waiting for so long

22:22

for you to show up, and now you are here,

22:24

and I am going to take you down with my whizzy

22:26

worrigun. Look where it's my boy?

22:29

You said my son was here? Okay,

22:31

where where is he? What? He kind of wandered

22:33

off? What I mean he wandered off. I don't

22:36

know how else to explain it

22:37

here? Okay, then he's

22:39

just wandering off. Have you seen the prices

22:42

on Tunic Castle rule today? And I have not today.

22:44

I have not. I thought them about three weeks ago, when I was here

22:46

and telling you they've dropped. I

22:50

am okay. Well, well then let's talk

22:52

and walk to the Tunic Castle. But I need to know where

22:54

my son is. Okay. Well, we

22:57

had an investing a live investigation. I'mgoing

22:59

investing and then he wandered off sarm

23:01

light sor I'm like, okay, have you found the boys? I'm

23:04

sorry, lad, it's once in hand

23:06

takes understand. Can I just say happy

23:08

birthday? God, thank you so much. You're

23:10

the first person to tell me

23:14

come on anything

23:17

or no, you're still allergic to that? To it all, I'm

23:20

still allergic. But you know what I mean, today's cheat ta yeah,

23:23

like a little rash my throw closes up. You know, did

23:26

you find a voice? I have not Where the Boys?

23:29

We're on our way to Tunic castroll prizes right now.

23:31

But we didn't need to see this, and

23:33

that was the original pitch for Where the Boys Are?

23:41

Scene too comes to us from Oscar, who wrote,

23:44

Hi, there, you have

23:46

a bunch of superheroes. I'm half

23:48

brit love your British accents

23:50

and half Colombian. Didn't quite catch your

23:52

Colombian accents. Currently studying

23:54

in Western China. Wow, this is quite

23:56

a voyage. When local Chinese

23:59

people get curious about what I'm laughing

24:01

at on the bus, I simply plug my

24:03

ear headphones right into their ears,

24:05

and of course they don't understand a

24:08

single word, which makes it so much better?

24:10

How how does it make it better? But

24:12

I digress? Oh, I see he is a fan.

24:15

My suggestion is about a comedian

24:17

who is on

24:19

his or her way to the top, but for some reason,

24:22

can never, ever ever make

24:24

a joke that doesn't somehow involve

24:27

pe or pooh. Lots

24:29

of love, making

24:31

living far away from home so

24:34

much more bearable love. Vanessa's

24:36

voiced and best episode Lola's Bedroom.

24:39

God bless oscar in China.

24:42

Okay, Nick, ships, you're up in five? All right?

24:45

Yeah, you got it alright? Five okay,

24:47

and you can do tight seven all right. I mnna

24:49

have to pinch it off early. Don't run the light he

24:52

Nick, You remember I got the tonight show Scalvia

24:55

tonight, so I really need you to do your

24:57

best to do a television ready six minutes?

24:59

You got it? All right? We both

25:01

know what that means, right, yep, television

25:03

ready yep. Certain words

25:05

you can't say. You're good

25:07

to go? Yeah, I hope. So all

25:10

right, where are you open with? Uh? Probably

25:12

hello? Right, and then getting

25:14

my first bit and then you know you gotta get him laughing

25:17

like within six seconds? Yeah, right,

25:19

So the plan is hello, yeah,

25:21

I'll say it in a funny way. Oh great,

25:24

that always works. Yeah, uh,

25:26

we're gonna go carrot top funny. We're gonna

25:28

go like, uh, we're gonna go nick

25:31

Oh. I like it. Right, So I'm

25:34

having him introduce you with your

25:36

real last name, just again because of Tonitrio

25:39

scoutters out there, but you know

25:41

it's your six minutes time. Why not just have him

25:43

because it's this is my name now? Well, because when you

25:45

get on the tonight Joe Jimmy Fowl is not going to say,

25:48

here's the new comedian Nicky shits. Well,

25:50

welly not, that's my name. Well, that's

25:52

your show business name, Nicki. And right, so I'm

25:54

gonna be on a show business show. Larry, I don't

25:56

understand. You know who I was. You know what I'm about

25:59

this in my art. We've been having this discussion

26:01

for a long time, and you're you're now close

26:03

to breaking. Right. All the time you were

26:05

playing Uncle Fox Chruckle Hutch in Cleveland

26:08

and what whatnot, it didn't matter

26:10

what your name was, right. It looked

26:13

okay to the to the patrons, Hey,

26:15

which kids get a funny name? Who we Uh?

26:17

But now we're going we're this closer Tonight. There

26:20

you're you're, you're you're my sister's husband,

26:22

Like you should know me, like this is this

26:24

is family stuff, you know. Just let me do my thing. Well,

26:26

you gotta bring up Bethany because I just wanted

26:28

Nick. Sorry, it's me another ten. Kevin Paul's

26:31

doing drop in, Oh my god? Really? Yeah?

26:34

Yeah, sure, I wonder if you'll do Christopher

26:36

Walking again. I guarantee it

26:39

you might be a little something

26:41

from that way. What do you mean? No way, no

26:44

way, no way. But he's been on a

26:46

Tonight Show sure, and

26:48

I haven't yet. Don't you understand there's

26:50

a difference. There is a difference. Also,

26:53

he was on when Johnny Carson was the

26:55

host. And why don't know so much about his

26:57

his history? Why don't even focusing on what I'm doing?

26:59

All? I don't know? Because he's what's the word I'm looking

27:01

for? Famous? Like that matters?

27:04

You're in stand up. Maybe you should know a little something

27:06

about the history. I think I know enough about stand up.

27:08

Okay, So who are your top three favorite stand up in

27:11

no particular order. Let's go with

27:14

my cousin Benny. Your cousin Benny's

27:17

funny professional too.

27:19

He's a professor. He's a welder, right, funny

27:22

as welder. That's ever well did that's

27:24

really funny. Um, professional

27:27

known comedians throughout the history of man.

27:29

All right, Uh this or woman

27:32

or woman? Time? God forbid? All right, um,

27:35

let's see probably uh

27:38

Timbo Timbo? Uh huh he was

27:40

that elephant clown. Very funny

27:43

and uh Andy Cirkus

27:46

and Larry, Hey, Larry,

27:48

you might if I interrupt for just a second. I'm sorry to bother

27:50

you too. I'm coming

27:52

in from the from the tonight show, and I'm really

27:55

excited to see your guy. How do you do. I'm

27:57

doing really good. You must be nicky sheet nikki

27:59

shits anyway, stand

28:02

kid, thrill. He's a real whack and do I

28:05

told you this on the phone. I really appreciate you

28:07

coming down. I am really excited for it. I brought

28:09

one of my friends from the children's workshop

28:11

and they're looking for a new host of their show.

28:14

So whatever, we're looking for somebody that

28:16

connects to the audience on a clean

28:19

and resonating way. That's what I keep

28:21

telling my kid. And he's ready to go tonight tonight.

28:23

Alright, great, great, I can't wait to see your material.

28:26

That's Kevin. I'll be up alright, God bless

28:28

you, God bless you. Hey, two minutes ships,

28:30

two minutes wrapping up. I got

28:32

so quick. Oh my gosh.

28:34

You know it was so nice at those tonight show

28:37

people to to let us tag along

28:39

and pick our guy. I'm so excited.

28:42

I can't believe it. Finally,

28:44

finally, Children's Television Workshop

28:46

is going to have a nice, wholesome,

28:49

clean comedian to lead

28:51

a show. I really think it's going to revolutionize

28:54

children's television. You know what I mean if we add a little

28:56

humor, I mean kids have senses of humor. Yeah,

28:59

because none of six shoes. Because look, Mr

29:01

Rogers is great. But I

29:05

know right, let's

29:07

make it seem slower with jazz. Oh

29:10

god, get over it and pop. It's what

29:12

a good idea. Can I

29:14

get you to something to drink? Two more milks?

29:17

Okay? You know we have food that's a film menu

29:19

there. Oh oh sure, Oh gosh,

29:22

oh gosh, these looks sinful, positive

29:27

mozzarella sticks, tough to bees. Oh

29:30

my gosh, you know what. Just

29:32

the two milks for now? Two milks for now?

29:35

What do you mean? Two milks? I don't tell

29:37

you what I don't have, only have a cordon

29:39

of milk. I don't even know we had a cardon yes,

29:41

frollowing mud slides and ship. You gotta get him

29:43

to drink alcohol, man, I'm gonna always do. We should

29:46

give him this this Bailey's ivers

29:48

cream. I think what

29:52

they meant to order anywhere. Let me get two bails.

29:56

This is kind of brown? Is this chocolate milk?

29:58

What is this? It's a new milk. It's organ Oh

30:00

gosh, we really are

30:02

in the city. It tastes a little different,

30:05

but we've had nothing but raves.

30:08

Enjoy everybody. Kevin

30:10

Poll than you

30:12

yourself next to the stage, Well,

30:14

he's an up and coming or he's doing great. Put your heads

30:16

together for Nikki sheets. This is

30:18

the one that we might get for our shore if

30:21

we can runtle them away from that tonight show fell

30:23

off? Do you think you get to talk to us? I hope he doesn't talk

30:25

to us. Hello, Hi,

30:28

uh what's going on? Everybody

30:31

is? Everyone looks great? Huh? Hope everyone?

30:33

Hope everyone did shoot themselves and piss themselves from

30:35

the last act. Huh Um.

30:37

You know what's funny. I was thinking about this the other

30:40

day. I was riding around in one of

30:42

my I have two cars because I

30:44

piss and ship in one and then I shouldn't piss

30:46

in the other and true, and

30:49

I was driving around and I thought to myself,

30:51

why not pull over to the side of road

30:53

and get this a picture of the beautiful Hollywood

30:55

sign. So I popped out and once you

30:57

know, there shouldn't piss all over me, and I

31:00

was. I wasn't able. I wasn't

31:02

able to move because it was all kicked onto my thighs.

31:04

Huh, Larry, Larry,

31:07

you really fucked me on this guy. I

31:09

can't use him in the tonight show. This

31:11

was his shot. I don't understand that this

31:13

was your shot. I thought you wanted to wrap

31:16

some big names. Well you're doing

31:18

me a favor and take a look at Breg Garrett. Just

31:20

take a look. Take a look. It's been a

31:22

while since he's been on. And you know that that that's

31:24

just how how the cookie grumblest stalk

31:26

to the crowd. How are you doo doing? Huh oh

31:29

gosh, we're

31:31

just fine. Yeah, yeah,

31:35

are you two together? We were

31:37

we were shikash you no, we I mean we worked together.

31:39

We yeah, we worked together.

31:42

At the children's television for

31:45

children for children, do pe on kids?

31:48

Ah, pop kids?

31:51

No, we don't

31:54

you hold on it. I'm sorry, Mr. Hold

31:56

on a second. I'm Marlene.

32:00

Do you pop? Don't act like this

32:02

is the first time that you've heard this. Hold you look at the Christmas

32:04

party. I told you that at the Christmas

32:06

Party's when I starts the

32:08

truth. Is there

32:10

alcohol in your milk? There's

32:13

alcohol? How do you know there's

32:16

my milk? Oh my god, Oh

32:19

my god. It's like truth serum for me.

32:22

And that's just pretty much out because it

32:24

goes with it if you don't think about where you're

32:26

pissing and shinny, thank

32:29

you so much. My name is Nicky. You can find me

32:32

on Instagram at the Ship's Hey,

32:34

Nicky ships Man, I think my card. You're great,

32:36

say great. So I'm producing this new late night

32:39

edgy comedy series called to

32:41

the Wall. Okay, we think you'd be

32:43

perfect for it. Okay, Spoke TV. That's

32:46

right, and yeah, I'm

32:48

down. You're down for it? What should I run

32:50

about? My brother? He's my manager. Okay, cool,

32:52

my numbers on there. You just give me a call, will get you in. Okay,

32:54

whoa, Hey, who's this gay? Hey,

32:57

this guy just suck. He's a big time producer

32:59

from Spoke TV. He just asked me if I want to

33:01

do a late night Holds the late night show. All right,

33:04

Well, you gave him your card, so I'm a

33:06

manager. I'm sorry, here's my dad. Just

33:08

the one is fine? Okay, Tim,

33:11

tim Timmy Tim Timmy

33:13

that Spoke TV. That's right, that's you,

33:15

Tim, Timmy Timminson's Okay, Larry, come

33:17

on, this is a big deal, that's right. So what do

33:20

you want from this? Get? Well, we're producing this new

33:22

late night edgy comedy show called Bows

33:24

to the Wild, and we think he would be great

33:27

for it. It It sounds pretty edgy, yeah

33:29

the way he says. Look, let

33:31

me tell you about the set. Please. There are walls

33:34

that are very close to every performer's

33:37

balls. Okay, I get to the

33:39

chair. I get it. We'll

33:41

see, Okay, I can't give it too much away. You know,

33:43

there's there's ears ears are Should

33:45

we come down to the studio sometime

33:48

soon? Yeah? Yeah, ten thirty in morning. If you can

33:50

do that, I

33:52

think I don't know. I just want to sleep right,

33:54

perfect, Okay? Ten thirty

33:56

and the address here in the car. That's right, and we asked

33:59

for Tim Timminson. Right, what was you

34:01

in? Hey, you guys can get a drive on. It's gonna be

34:03

great drive on. Is that some? Is

34:05

that when someone took you off? That's a passing.

34:07

Oh sorry, Marlene,

34:10

I'm cutting you off. You cannot have any more

34:12

middle seven more please, Marlene.

34:16

No, I'm having a great time. Okay, kids,

34:18

Marlene, get off the stage. No, okay,

34:21

here we go. Hello, Hello, Hi, hi,

34:24

Hi, Yeah, love it, Marley.

34:27

You are embarrassing us. Oh you're embarrassing

34:29

me. Okay, I just want to talk

34:31

about my job. I work with children.

34:37

You are as kids. Yeah,

34:41

Marlene, Marlene, come up the stage,

34:43

come off the stage. It's my turn.

34:46

Who here else likes to be on

34:48

kids?

34:51

Hell? Yeah, okay,

34:54

we're rolling right now. Mar

35:00

we could just step into my office and

35:02

close to do a behind you. Thank

35:05

you, go ahead, sit down. Okay.

35:09

There's some YouTube pottage going around

35:11

a view. Well, let's just cut straight to it. Uh

35:14

talking about explicitly

35:16

disgusting things from

35:19

that's odd. It's me. I'm absolutely

35:22

sure because somebody

35:24

is saying Marlene, get off the stage the whole time. Marlene.

35:28

No, but you it's you. It's you.

35:31

Okay, Um, I'm

35:33

supposed to be working for the Children's Workshop and

35:35

you're out at some sort of degenerate

35:38

comedy club. Well here's

35:41

the mark. You asked us to go and check

35:43

out that guy, Nicky Sheets. Yeah,

35:45

but from what I've heard, it didn't

35:48

turn out very good. Well, okay, here's

35:50

here's what happened. Okay, we ordered milk as

35:52

we do, and um, and then I guess

35:55

they put some alcohol in my milk. Yeah

35:59

what Yeah, this is

36:01

insane. I know, that's

36:03

what I was. That's what I was thinking. And then I

36:05

guess, um, someone said that I went on stage.

36:07

But that doesn't sound like me. Right, No, it doesn't sound

36:09

like you. But if you poisoned you, it's possible.

36:12

Okay. Yes, we're going to get the Children's

36:15

Workshop gang and we're going to go down there and see

36:17

what the hell is going on at the chuckle Hut when

36:19

you get all the detectively Well,

36:22

thank you. Interesting, you're

36:25

just the children's television producer. You sound

36:27

like what do you mean just at children's television?

36:29

Couldn't minimize it. We're making the future

36:32

of children, were entertaining their

36:34

minds. Yeah, that's that's what That's what

36:36

I That's what I was saying, which is why I'm so passionate.

36:38

I love kids. Yeah,

36:42

the chuckle hug gets milk from Rogers.

36:44

Yeah, okay, Well when my employee

36:46

comes down here, what

36:49

the hell alcoholic?

36:57

It's responsible? Are

37:00

we just selling the milk? Okay, they just come and get

37:02

gardens from where's the milk froduct? It

37:04

comes from a dairy farm. Take me there.

37:06

I'll take you to the god damn

37:08

milk. It's in Denver. I don't give

37:11

a I've seen it on Mr

37:13

Rogers. I can see it in real life. Well,

37:16

yeah, the farm's clothes right now. There's a double homicide

37:18

down here last week. So right

37:20

now we're not really bottling the milk. Okay,

37:24

I see there's account right over there. I'd like to just

37:26

take a little nibble on the nipple. Well,

37:29

um, I mean I

37:32

no one's ever asked for that, So I'm gonna say,

37:34

just needs some proof that there's no alcohol. I'm

37:36

saying. I'm saying, yes, I thank you. No one has

37:38

ever asked that, And I'm damn curious where this is

37:40

gonna go? Ahead, Paul, Paul,

37:44

I think you could charge the film.

37:47

Well, day, that's right. Nobody milks for

37:49

free. That's the rule of the

37:51

farm. All right. How

37:53

much is it gonna cost me the nibble, the nipples?

37:57

Jesus, This is straight from the source.

37:59

This is pure, This is pure, all right,

38:03

This isn't altodina. Alright, But

38:06

I mean, I can't drink seventy worth

38:08

of milk. Wow,

38:10

you don't believe in yourself. You work in Childer's TV and you don't

38:12

believe in yourself. Well, you

38:14

believe in yourself. You can get seventy dollars of milk

38:16

out of that nip. I just don't know if I can stomach

38:18

it. I mean, how much can you keep

38:21

in your stomach before it's you know, I

38:23

don't know. Cool, Look, why don't we find out? All

38:26

right? All right, Marilyn, I'm

38:28

so sorry, but Evan has passed. His

38:30

stomach exploded, filled

38:33

to the brim with milk, raw,

38:36

bitter milk. I think I know why this happened. I

38:40

told him I drink milk. I

38:43

don't need to know. I just

38:45

wanted to come. You

38:47

know that Evan's dead?

38:50

Oh? Um,

38:54

do you know Evans?

38:58

I don't know. I don't know what's happening

39:00

in the company. Okay, I just wanted

39:02

to go and let you know. Are

39:05

you related? I'm so sorry,

39:08

Uh that Steve got to before the company

39:10

could share this this news. Who

39:12

is Steve? He's been let go. He

39:15

was one of our field operators,

39:18

and uh, he didn't want to hear anyone's

39:20

story. He just wanted to share information,

39:23

and it just was off putting for most folks,

39:25

especially when delivering this kind of devastating

39:28

news, very sensitive information

39:30

from Steve. Did you say his name is and

39:32

he's he's operator for the children

39:36

let go? Yes, we getting

39:38

out. I'm sorry for laughing because he is just

39:41

an odd person because we'd send him

39:43

out to share the bad news, in many

39:45

cases death and uh,

39:47

well he just didn't want to hear whatever that

39:49

people wanted to say back. How many offenses

39:52

did he have until you fired? It was the

39:54

first time. Oh wow,

39:56

we really get a lot of chances here at that we do. We believe

39:58

in people. So anyways, well with our

40:01

apologies. Uh and you had

40:03

some questions about your husband's

40:05

dad. Oh yeah, well yes,

40:07

my husment, my y instead. I

40:10

am devastated, obviously, and I

40:12

know I feel like it's my fault. It

40:15

is weirdly funny. I don't know why. Well,

40:17

you know, you know whenever people are really sad

40:19

and then they just start laughing because

40:22

you know, because your husband's did every

40:24

time you say it. Yeah,

40:27

I mean he went down hard.

40:29

Yeah, it's like face right into the dirt.

40:32

Yeah, I mean we thought about

40:34

burying him right there, because he was already half buried.

40:38

Yeah, it was all

40:41

right, Nikki. It's Nework loves you, man, they love

40:44

you. It's between you and

40:46

Marlene the Chocolate Milk comics. It's

40:48

really close. It's back and forth. This is your last

40:50

screen test, and I just take a nap. I

40:52

mean, this, this neurotic thing you've got

40:54

going around, I was really working for you, all right,

40:56

So you need to go in there and test one more time. Alright, where's

40:59

Larry. He's my first cousin, vlarious,

41:01

negotiating deal points for you right now? Right? Okay,

41:05

where where's do I look at a camera?

41:07

Yeah, you're gonna go on right now in front of all the suits.

41:09

All right, it's between you and mine. You gotta sell you gotta sell

41:11

this. Do I have to do it in for the suits? The

41:14

network? Wait a second, suits run

41:16

this whole thing. But you want to be balls to the wall man,

41:18

of course I do. Then get in there and do your

41:21

job. Man, Okay, all right, I have to make these suits

41:23

laugh. How the hell am I gonna make fabric laugh? Okay?

41:26

All right? Are you going? NICKI

41:29

welcome back in. Thanks for coming back in. Hello, you

41:33

don't you don't look so good? Nick? Everything? Okay,

41:35

I'm fine. And when's the last time you

41:37

ship and pissed? Was

41:40

the last time you slept? What's

41:42

wrong with this face? I remember? I remember

41:44

driving down. I have two cars,

41:48

one car, ship and piss. Yeah we

41:50

heard this material. You did this last time you came

41:52

in and tested with us. One car piston

41:54

ship in super funny every time you say

41:56

it. Yeah, this is

41:58

this is for balls to the wall. Oh my god,

42:00

I pissed myself. Oh you those

42:03

are just jokes. You really do this. He's committed.

42:05

Oh my god, that's a commitment. We're looking for

42:07

a um

42:11

what knock knock? Who

42:13

is that? Everyone? Who's

42:17

knock knock? Who's there?

42:19

Who's there? Knock knock?

42:21

You know? What? Can we call Marlene? Yeah, let's

42:23

just get the chocolate milk. Yeah,

42:26

I'll let her right in right, Marlen, Hi,

42:29

Marlene, Hi, thanks for seeing me.

42:31

Oh sure, sure? Did you have your chocolate milk?

42:34

I did? Seven

42:41

big bang stuck kids?

42:43

Am I? Right? Yeah?

42:47

This is great, This is this is what we need

42:50

on spoke. Yeah, strong,

42:52

open, You're gonna fire some

42:54

questions at yet. Okay, okay,

42:57

oh please do are you still

42:59

here? He was laying on the ground. There's a

43:01

couch. There's a couch right outside the office.

43:03

Okay, and it's probably

43:05

also a couch at your home. You could use

43:08

that one. Get all the way there catches pissing

43:10

ship on it. I can't lay on it. Yeah. We need

43:12

to give this time to Marlene, okay,

43:15

just to have a lie down. All

43:19

were some questions at you and just a

43:21

stream of consciousness whatever comes, all

43:24

right. You wanted to start out there,

43:26

Greg, if you were going

43:28

balls to the wall, how

43:31

would you prove that it was an authentic

43:33

balls to the wall moment? And

43:36

it's okay, Uh,

43:38

it's okay to tell the truth,

43:41

you know. Okay. Well, here's the thing is,

43:44

We've got a lot of answers, and I don't want you to feel

43:46

like you can't repeat one of the previous answers from

43:48

somebody else. I'm just trying to let whatever

43:50

you feel is natural. It's yeah, let's

43:52

just go ahead and let her answer. Okay, Okay,

43:54

it's okay. Whatever answer is a good answer. Okay,

43:57

let me just chuck this. No girl after? Is

44:03

this going authentic? Balls to

44:05

the walls? I'd probably the

44:08

kids of it. Oh

44:12

yeah, it was. It took sixty shows

44:15

to and a scene with that particular

44:17

sentence. What don't

44:20

we all win today? It's a brand new Chevrolet,

44:24

so congratulations to us.

44:25

All is

44:33

from a fellow named Aaron, who wrote, Hey,

44:35

guys, I've been listening for about two months

44:37

after I heard a commercial on another podcast,

44:39

and I'm super happy I listened because it's

44:41

the best part of my day. I have no idea who

44:44

you all are, but I love it.

44:47

Is that necessary? Anyway?

44:50

Have you happen to see this? How about a

44:52

huge electrical problem at the White

44:54

House and an apprentice who is

44:57

new and knows nothing is

45:00

accidentally set in alone

45:02

to fix the problem. Meanwhile, the US is

45:05

trying to declare war on Argentina. This

45:07

is too much information Argentina

45:09

and can't because the power is out. Thanks a

45:11

bunch, and please make podcasts forever.

45:13

Thank you. Aaron Morris from Atlanta,

45:16

Georgia. What am I supposed to you? I'm

45:18

supposed to use a lighter? Do I use a lighter?

45:21

Note? I'm

45:24

supposed to use the lighter. I'm sorry, I'm so

45:26

sorry. This is we don't usually

45:29

have power out. It's just but maybe here's a flashlight.

45:32

You hold the flight I got, things are right, Okay,

45:35

I'll hold it, but I

45:38

just feel bad. This is uncustomary

45:40

and we should have a lighting

45:42

person working on this very soon. You know what, I'm

45:44

gonna dictate the letter. You go ahead

45:46

and write it down. Okay? Did TMZ?

45:50

Okay? Fuck you? All

45:52

right? The president?

45:54

Okay, are you sure? Can you read that

45:56

back? Dear TMZ? Right? Suck

45:59

you? Right? The president? That's

46:02

nice? Excuse me, Mr President. Ye,

46:04

here's the huge flashlight that he's bigger

46:06

than the previous flashlight that you requested. Thank

46:09

you. See that this is a guy who wants to keep his debt.

46:11

I mean that looks like the bat signal. He's brought

46:13

in something that's not a flashlight. How is that bad?

46:16

Bad? Let's turn it on and see what kind of signal is

46:18

here? Oh

46:21

my god? Is that not my face on

46:24

the ceiling of the overfu. How

46:26

does that look great? It's wonderful.

46:29

I feel like it's burning my skin. I'm

46:32

so sorry, but that's too bright for indoor use.

46:35

Maybe the guy I thought you would No,

46:37

no, no, I'm the guy. I'm the guy. We can

46:39

have it out. I just feel like this was me. Debbie,

46:43

Debbie, Debbie, yeah, yeah,

46:45

yeah, sorry. Can you come in here and

46:47

get Steve out of it? Out of my face? Send

46:51

in security please, that's

47:01

the sort of thing I need now. I want to wage

47:03

war and Argentina, who's gonna help me? I'll

47:06

do it. What will you do? Um?

47:09

Well, I'll try to flight and I'll just start throwing

47:11

punches, all right, But first, can we get somebody

47:14

to turn on the power. There's no lights

47:16

and it's sending out the wrong

47:18

signal. Mr President of This is seven o'clock

47:20

at night, so it's a dog inside.

47:22

It doesn't look good. Uh.

47:25

I thought this would have been

47:27

brought to your attention. This the oval

47:29

office in the west wing is

47:32

was condemned, So we gotta we

47:34

gotta move over to the east wind. There's no

47:36

there's not much power coming over. Do you know

47:38

how many buildings I own that have been condemned. What

47:40

he is I can't imagine endless. You

47:42

know what you do? You

47:45

you drop him like a sack of rock. That's

47:47

right, You level the whole place stopped

47:49

over. Yeah, that's what we're gonna do it. We're

47:54

okay, I'm gonna get the helicopter whip

47:56

up. I'm gonna go to my log. We're gonna love it. You're

47:59

gonna wrap up the Helicopter's what I want to know. Okay,

48:01

let me get somebody on the wrap up the mean

48:03

Well, they're on the fucking lights already. Yeah, okay,

48:06

can we get lamps in here and get me

48:08

the president and on the fucking pony, Yes,

48:11

sir, Mr President,

48:14

I do not understand why you want to go to

48:16

work with Argentina. We have done nothing. We

48:18

have been we have been allies for a very long time.

48:20

This you you send

48:22

out one tweet that is just the

48:25

it is just our flag and the

48:27

word loser. Did you even realize which country

48:31

flag you were choosing? What did you randomly just choose

48:33

from the emoji list? Well,

48:35

I'll be honest, I did choose

48:37

from the emoji list, and I

48:40

thought I chose correctly. Is it not your flag?

48:43

It is our flag. I thought maybe

48:45

you just randomly picked the country to call it, like I

48:47

meant to say Colombia with losers and I actually

48:49

meant Colombia and I picked the wrong flag.

48:51

That's what you thought. Well, there's

48:54

no other explanation for why you would don't

48:56

tell me that to go to your recently used

48:58

emojis and to pick flag that happens

49:01

to be there is something wrong. Okay, because

49:03

if you're telling me my president, alright, the president that

49:05

was elected picks an emoji

49:07

and somehow we have to go to war with the country, then so be

49:10

it. That's the power that

49:12

that individual has. Now we gotta go to commercial,

49:14

but we'll be back right after this at Fox

49:17

News. The can you want

49:19

to see, all

49:21

right, we're back, and the the idea

49:24

that it's not anyone's uh,

49:27

you you have to look if international

49:29

text rates apply. All right. The Argentinian

49:32

president accepted the text. He didn't have to.

49:34

Alright, yeah, it was a tweet, but you text

49:36

the tweet. It's it's letters that are on

49:38

your phone. Okay, So this

49:41

is Steve and your ear throw it to the video.

49:43

We had the president from the Rose

49:45

Garden addressing the President. I'll do that

49:47

one I want. Okay, now, now, so the

49:50

idea, the idea that these things aren't happening

49:52

is is just arbitrary to this the

49:55

whole point of it. It's a live feed. So just

49:57

go ahead and cut to Yeah, it's a live feed. When I

49:59

say, it's a love my feet and you know,

50:01

the the idea that this isn't that

50:03

the thing is uh

50:08

uh that that

50:10

that that the tweets, that the

50:12

twimmer. If you look at twimmer

50:15

and you look at all the things that are happening on there,

50:17

it's chatter, right. Why can't

50:19

the president talk to people when he when he wants

50:21

to twim them? Oh my god, he's gonna blow guys

50:25

Fox News, what you want

50:28

to see? Mr

50:30

President? Before you begin your remarks here in the Rose

50:32

Garden, I just I just need to let you know that one

50:35

of the Fox bots exploded just now

50:37

on here. How's that my problem?

50:40

It just seemed like something you may want to address people that know

50:42

that they were bought. So if they asked me a question about

50:44

the facts, but I say, yeah, I heard exploded. Yes,

50:46

just just acknowledged that you that you heard

50:48

what happened? Are you ready for this? Mr? President? Yeah?

50:51

This president? Get another sip off your drink.

50:54

Oh gosh, this regular code, this regular

50:56

cook. Oh okay,

50:58

So the President's gonna come up in a bit, I feel.

51:00

Any more questions until he comes? How

51:03

much longer until the president gets here? I don't know.

51:06

Maybe when he pisses himself? Anything

51:08

else? Any other questions? Any big plans for the weekend?

51:11

Yeah, I got a big plan for the weekend. I'm gonna I'm gonna

51:13

let a dump one out. Okay, warm up,

51:15

guy, you're off presidents here? Yeah?

51:21

Yeah, thank you Roger

51:23

from Fox? Is it true

51:26

the reason the powers out as you have

51:28

an outpaid the electricity bill and

51:30

you're gonna connect guy with the

51:32

funny job lending

51:37

from Fox Sports? Yeah? Mr President, you have

51:39

anything to say about the Fox thought that

51:41

exploded just a mere minutes ago?

51:43

Just told about this, By the way, a lovely dress.

51:46

Uh? Mr President? Please

51:48

just answer the question. Be happy too. But

51:51

I think it's important that we all remember

51:54

it's it's a bot, right, so

51:56

they don't always last. Sometimes you buy

51:58

it cheap. But and in

52:01

this case, I'm gonna think Fox had a cheap bot

52:03

and it exploded boo boo boo. As

52:05

the president, you understand that it was a human man who

52:07

exploded on television. Yeah, I do, I do.

52:09

I We call them bots because they have bodies,

52:12

I guess. And uh, listen,

52:14

we have the best bots okay

52:17

in America if you want, if you don't

52:19

like our boats, then go to another country. I

52:21

don't care. Mr President's President. Yeah,

52:23

is it true that you are fast

52:25

tracking a bill that would outlaw darkness

52:28

so if the power goes out again, it will always be

52:30

light? Fake

52:33

knows? Next question, please, Mr

52:35

Presidents President? Why?

52:38

Well? Why Argentina? Sir? And uh? Is the

52:40

situation escalating there? Well?

52:42

The ciscin system there is, as you

52:44

know about his ask backwards as any

52:46

country has ever been? You ever't been there Argentina?

52:49

No, Mr President, I have not been Argentina clearly,

52:51

Otherwise you would have phrased your question differently,

52:54

like why why have we waited

52:56

so long to bang Argentina?

52:59

I'm right, Mr President? Are you when

53:02

you say bang Argentina, do you mean cause explosions?

53:04

Or I hate to use this kind of language

53:07

in a press conference, but I'm not freed.

53:10

Are you trying to funk Argentina. I

53:12

don't I love the question. I don't

53:14

feel I understand why people feel the need

53:16

to read into whatever I say. You

53:18

know, I can't say this, I can't say that. Oh,

53:21

bing bang, I'm making signs and signals

53:23

the people on the wrong side of the tracks.

53:26

Bing bang. I don't understand either.

53:28

So I'm gonna say shout out

53:30

to Argentina. Would come in. I

53:34

gotta get on the helicopter. They then ask

53:36

questions, No,

53:39

that's it, that's it, that's the Mr President.

53:41

All right, Mr President, we wrapped up the helicopter

53:44

for you. Yeah, Mr President, it's

53:46

gonna be hard to take off for right, It's gonna be

53:48

real difficult, Mr President. You how to wrap

53:50

up the helicopter? Oh? I mean, I'm

53:52

happy to take the plane, sir. It's just a longer

53:54

flight on the helicopter. Why is it?

53:57

Why is the helicopter? Well, you want to take a

53:59

helicopter to Argentina, and

54:01

this helicopter has recently been completely

54:04

wrapped in in gift room. Why would

54:06

I want to take it Argentina and helicopter

54:08

it's your helicopter, sir. You

54:11

want to go to Marlaga in Argentina, Mago.

54:13

Well you're going to Marlago, the one in Argentina

54:16

or the one in Florida. The one in Florida.

54:18

Okay, well that changes everything, That changes

54:20

everything. Manifest is a little messed up. Sorry about

54:22

that, sir. Still, did you guys ever watched The

54:24

Apprentice? I

54:27

had a catchphrase? I watched the one with Arnold Swartzenegger

54:30

had a catch phrase on the show. I would like

54:32

to to say to both of you, is it?

54:34

Is it what I think it is? Sir? They're spaghetti

54:36

on your shirt? Close? Okay,

54:39

Okay, someone's gotta unwrapped this helicopter.

54:41

Then Stevie

54:43

and Jeff, what the

54:45

hell happened to the helicopter? Is my alago? Well

54:49

it was a big mix up, sir. We're very

54:51

very sorry. But we've ordered in seven other

54:54

helicopters in various states, so one will

54:56

hopefully meet your approvals. Right, And

54:58

why are there only six? But get to KFC

55:00

on my desk. I had one, you

55:03

had one. I had one of the boots. The truth

55:05

is we can get another one to replace that bucket,

55:08

and it'll be even fresher when you make your way

55:10

to seven buckets at all times. How many times I have

55:12

to say that we're really sorry. We were

55:14

just going for a while and I just got I got

55:16

hungry in the one show towel. Well, if

55:18

you got hungry, that's okay. As Mr

55:21

President, I know it's Uh.

55:24

You cannot declare war on Kentucky.

55:27

Keep talking, you cannot.

55:29

You You were presented with six

55:31

buckets of chicken, and you just declared war on national

55:33

television against Kentucky. Kentucky is

55:36

what I'm on your side? Mr

55:38

Preston. The colonel, it's Colonel Sanders.

55:41

God, I've never seen it in person. Technically,

55:44

technically I'm a senator. You know what, fine,

55:47

I'm Colonel Sanders.

55:49

Will that make it easier for you idiots? Oh

55:51

my god? Colonel?

55:54

Can I ask you a couple of questions? Sure?

55:57

Mr President? What would be the worst

55:59

thing that could happen if I did level Kentucky?

56:02

Uh? Well you do. We have great cities

56:05

like Louisville and Lexington. We would

56:07

kill a lot of people. I mean, you got bourbon.

56:10

We do have bourbon pretty much all in horses.

56:14

Yes, we have bourbon and horses. Answer the question.

56:17

I'm answering the question. I'm

56:19

a Senate. I do, is I damn well? Please?

56:21

So if we wanted to move the bourbon and the horses to

56:23

the adjoining state and take

56:25

that away from Kentucky to

56:28

Utah border, I

56:31

can't. I can't believe that I

56:33

endorsed you. I can't believe I let

56:35

you do all the ship you do. Just well,

56:37

let me ask you another question. What are you willing to do

56:40

for me if I let Kentucky

56:42

live? Are you holding

56:44

Kentucky hostage? Mr? President?

56:46

Answer the question. I believe I've

56:48

done all that I can for you. I have grid locked,

56:51

the Senate approved

56:53

your judges. Are you gonna poop your pants? Is

56:55

that what's gonna happen? You're gonna poop your pants?

56:58

Is that right? Your pants? It

57:00

seems like he's gonna miss President. Did you watch Nikki's

57:02

shits on the Tonight Show last night?

57:05

Kids funny? It's funny, that's not funny?

57:07

In this funny and this kid's funny. If if

57:09

I shipped my pants deliberately, will you

57:11

not level Kentucky and then we gotta do?

57:14

Then I, Senator Mitch McConnell

57:16

of the Great State of Kentucky shell in this very

57:18

moment ship my pants.

57:21

Yeah, I know you're thinking, Okay, yeah, there's a

57:23

report coming out that Mitch McConnell ship

57:25

his pants. Okay, now I get it, all right,

57:27

there's rumors flying everywhere. There's rumors flying

57:29

around that I piste and shipped my pants and they're not

57:31

true. And guess what if they are true? So what

57:33

that's a man's right, he's a senator. Okay.

57:37

Second, fucking wires and

57:40

and if you know this from the beginning to the

57:42

end, you know that that humans have

57:44

a very sensitive body

57:46

that that but sometimes poops it out and something to piece

57:48

it in. So it's not a it's not a negative,

57:51

it's a positive. Hold the we gotta go to commercial and then we'll

57:53

be right back news. It's what

57:55

you want to see, all

57:57

right, we're back, and it's it's it's

58:00

the it's the idea that these things

58:02

that they're they're they're they're not

58:04

there, They're they're not Fox

58:09

News. It's what you want to see.

58:13

Ah, we've lost another butt. What

58:15

what are we doing doing?

58:18

The problem is that we don't have any advertisers

58:20

anymore. So when they're

58:22

overheating because they're constantly in use. Usually

58:25

we used to have a break like two or three minutes.

58:27

Could I see the types of some auditions and we can

58:29

figure out who can replace this? Okay, okay,

58:32

all right, it's uh, show

58:34

me whichever one you got. Okay, here we go. I'm gonna

58:36

push play on this. This one's a little bit you'd

58:39

say, over the top, let's

58:41

play. You

58:44

know, hands are too expensive nowadays.

58:47

If you've got a price gun, you

58:51

can make them one set. So

58:53

it's kind of a contextual joke. You

58:56

know, it's a believe it or not. A

58:58

lot of the the host

59:00

anchor audition tapes are from comedians.

59:03

Uh, that's great. This

59:06

job as a as a joke. Does

59:08

that make sense? It does? Let's show me one of

59:10

them. Okay, another one that was? Okay, another

59:12

one, Well, this one's a

59:14

borderline offensive. Let me push

59:17

play on this next tape here for you. I

59:19

used to work in children's television, can you

59:21

believe it? And

59:23

then I went to rehabit Real rock Bottom

59:26

for Bailey's My Bailey's

59:28

fans out there, you know, thank you so

59:30

much. I love it when the studio

59:33

crew applies me and

59:36

then you know what everyone's saying, my catch

59:38

praise with me? Well

59:45

we can so it just feels like

59:47

when we fire the kids, is what I'm saying.

59:49

Okay, I'll do it, I'll do it. Okay,

59:51

we'll bring her in for Monday. Can you please send

59:53

word to the White House that we're going to have a new bot

59:56

ready to go by Monday. Well, she's

59:58

still human. We'll have to gut her and then

1:00:00

put the robot pieces into. I thought that was

1:00:02

just the euphemism where we're using Oh no, no,

1:00:04

no, no, it's we have to take

1:00:06

all the human pieces out and put inside

1:00:08

of it robot. Why do we have to do

1:00:10

that, because that's what makes them a robot. I

1:00:13

don't know what. I can't keep working like

1:00:15

this is insane. This

1:00:17

is such a tight first schedule. I can't

1:00:19

be able to put some scenes inside the people. We

1:00:22

need this robot ready for Monday's

1:00:24

news. Oh if you needed for Monday's morning,

1:00:27

No, da, Mr Mosk, I really

1:00:29

need you to finish

1:00:31

this robots. So you really

1:00:33

need me to what are you know what? I'm gonna take a break.

1:00:38

Hello, when will you come home? Oh

1:00:41

my god, it's my clone. I'll come home in a bit.

1:00:44

Missing you. I know you are missing you.

1:00:47

We're going to watch everybody loves even No,

1:00:49

you're not. You're not going to miss no. I watch episode

1:00:52

to get up with you. I'm gonna skip ahead. Yeah

1:00:55

yeah, I watch you calm on my watch.

1:00:57

If you skip ahead, I swear

1:00:59

I would fucking drain

1:01:02

on pular jaw. I mean, maybe

1:01:04

it's because you have too many calls during the work

1:01:07

that I just have a multi billion

1:01:10

dollar enterprise. I cages myself. What do you do?

1:01:12

How you give me messages? You smell

1:01:14

like ship? You know that. I'm sorry you

1:01:16

should be. It's just been a long weekend.

1:01:19

I haven't got a chance to shower. A lot abouts

1:01:21

going up. I don't need to know. I don't need to know, but

1:01:23

I would like to tell you to Okay,

1:01:26

I'll do it this lady, I'll put wires

1:01:28

in okay, yeah, can we he read this up? I'm half

1:01:30

human and half robot over here? Yeah?

1:01:33

Fine, okay, fine, thank you? Yeah,

1:01:36

so he did a German accident. You called

1:01:38

me Elon Musk? Is that which is happening? Said

1:01:42

Mr Musk? Could

1:01:44

have been. I didn't hear the

1:01:48

I didn't hear myself speak out for

1:01:51

today, Let's thank our alchemists and no particular

1:01:54

order Joey Workings. Find you.

1:01:56

They can find me at the West Side Comedy Theater.

1:01:58

Gotta show called Bear Supply wedstid Comedy

1:02:01

Theater dot com. What's that? Comedy dot com?

1:02:03

Was every second and fourth Wednesday a nine o'clock and

1:02:06

you're on the social is at Jeffy Greeper at

1:02:08

Jebby Greeper any particular

1:02:10

spelling or just folks figure j e b b

1:02:12

y g r e b e R. I

1:02:15

didn't get any of that. H

1:02:19

James Eeney Bear

1:02:21

Supply with Joey. Also just

1:02:23

go to the real James c dot com. You'll find all my content

1:02:25

information there. Thank you so much for being

1:02:27

here, both of you. Mark Gag, Yes,

1:02:31

I am on Twitter at Mark GAG's uh

1:02:34

the last Wednesday of every month. You can see me at

1:02:36

Dynasty Typewriter. Uh. And also

1:02:38

Blood and Treasure now streaming on Amazon

1:02:40

Prime. Nice Amazon

1:02:43

Prime. Those are some good folks,

1:02:45

right, aren't they? You really are. Jenn

1:02:48

Murray, thanks so much for joining us. Thank you for having me

1:02:51

so much damn fun working folks. Find you

1:02:53

and look up shows you might be doing. Uh,

1:02:55

second and fourth Wednesday before Bear Supply Comedy

1:02:58

Theater. Stay at all and then on

1:03:01

the Grand Jennifer lyn Murray one in in Lynne

1:03:04

nice, very nice, and

1:03:06

Carl Stratton. Yeah. Also at the Westside Comedy

1:03:09

Theater quite a bit, pretty pretty pony

1:03:11

first Thursday of the month at ten pm

1:03:13

with several people that you know from this podcast,

1:03:16

and how soon before your life turns to hell for uh

1:03:19

S Sketch Fest in January. It is

1:03:21

about to turn to that right now. Yeah,

1:03:23

we're about to go. I know this will be your long since

1:03:25

passed but outside Lance is coming up. Once that's done, then

1:03:28

it's a hardcore planning for the festival, right on,

1:03:30

right on. Well, thanks for joining us. As always, let's thank

1:03:32

our engineer the Stars

1:03:35

Doug Babe and

1:03:37

our post sound design artist Raphael

1:03:41

our producer Sophie Lichterman's of

1:03:44

course I heart media. I

1:03:47

encourage I'll me to write a review. Tell everyone

1:03:49

you've ever met and write to us at your name here

1:03:51

talc me to this dot com. I'm Kevin Pollock. Until

1:03:53

next time, and

1:04:02

food and

1:04:05

a football pepper and

1:04:23

I pull