0:01

Love. Is not something you get.

0:03

It's. Not something someone else has, an something

0:05

the you have to earn. It

0:08

is not something that exists outside of you

0:10

when someone doesn't want to express affection and

0:12

love and respect to you. You.

0:15

Have two choices. You. Can

0:17

try to change that fact? And.

0:19

You know, keep yourself stuck. Or.

0:23

You. Can keep giving love. Which.

0:26

Will actually help you move on. The.

0:28

Pain of not having love is the

0:30

pain of your heart being closed. The.

0:33

Pain of losing love is a pain of your

0:35

heart closing. The. Pain of losing love

0:37

is trying to change or manipulate

0:40

someone into thinking are seeing differently.

0:42

It. Is not actually a loss of

0:45

love. It. Is a step

0:47

into the illusion and denial. It.

0:50

Is adoption of the idea that you are

0:52

not lovable as you are. Love.

0:54

Is not something anybody can take away

0:56

from you. It. Is not

0:58

something also that anybody can truly give

1:00

you either. It's not

1:03

something big you get. It.

1:05

Is something you experience.

1:08

And. That exchange requires an

1:10

equal, an honest and willing

1:12

contribution on each side. It's.

1:15

Not something that anybody is responsible

1:17

to do for you. And.

1:20

It's not something that anybody owes you

1:22

in a life. The following podcast is

1:24

a Deer Media Production A Profile events

1:26

in your favor may have been in

1:29

the back then you get her for

1:31

by day rally. Got. A

1:34

job that. Are

1:39

you. Ready! Hi everyone and welcome to

1:41

a brand new almost adult in the

1:43

largest Alpha Park! Yes a movement your

1:45

number on destination for personal growth. Amount

1:48

a half Am a big sister and

1:50

your hosts Violeta and today I wanted

1:52

to welcome you to what originally was

1:55

supposed to be a Tuesday episode but

1:57

today you are getting out on a

1:59

third. On Tuesday I decide

2:01

to release my interview was seen

2:03

as say from Banner Pump Rules

2:05

to discuss season Eleven what to

2:08

expect the crime drama on the

2:10

current of so that have aired

2:12

so in case you missed their

2:14

make sure to check out my

2:16

a drama filled episode which tina.

2:18

That. I released on

2:20

Tuesday. Said. Then today

2:22

you are getting what originally was supposed

2:25

to be a to the episode but

2:27

you're getting on a Thursday am. Basically

2:29

my choose episodes are all part of

2:31

Benson Book Club since I am writing

2:33

a book this year. very excited for

2:35

it is taking time and it's a

2:37

lot of work and I'm really proud

2:39

of and I can we free guys

2:41

to get to read or by then

2:43

of the seer But in the meantime

2:45

since I'm writing a book the Seer

2:47

I've decide to dedicate my choose episodes

2:49

to some of my favorite book. some

2:51

of my favorite. Authors and so my

2:53

favorite chapters from those books I

2:55

will continue to share with you

2:57

various books and various authors depending

3:00

on whatever the topic. Of

3:02

the month is for the podcast.

3:04

So since we are entering March

3:07

was is all about Love Know

3:09

I have thought that today's episode

3:11

is perfect to read a chapter

3:14

all about. Why? We

3:16

hold on to on reciprocated. Love.

3:19

How do we like of people who don't love us?

3:21

How. Do we like a one

3:24

sided love? Why do we love those

3:26

who don't love a back? How do

3:28

we like of the idea of someone.

3:30

And why we're so drawn to

3:32

people who don't love us. So.

3:36

That's going to be where we are

3:38

going to be reading and sharing today

3:40

so hope you enjoy if you enjoy

3:42

to this episode don't forget to download

3:44

episode that swanning so you can always

3:46

go back this episode especially cause sometimes

3:48

I'm changing episodes If you don't download

3:50

it and I for whatever reason take

3:52

down and episode you will never get

3:54

to have it again. But if you

3:57

download it you will so download episode.

3:59

Secondly. You're free to

4:01

subscribe and give me a five. So

4:03

if you if you enjoy today's episode

4:06

on the Porch s app always health

4:08

my podcast tremendously share with your friends.

4:10

And lastly if you want more episodes

4:13

from me like ah you're going to

4:15

get some other says the seek about

4:17

Love is blind about the new episodes

4:20

and extra episode the you've never heard

4:22

anywhere else that I don't pull the

4:24

some this podcast you can subscribe to

4:27

my premium exclusive park as I will

4:29

share. In the bio description

4:31

of today's episode and it's basically

4:34

just super cast.almost a doting.com and

4:36

you could subscribe to my premium

4:38

podcast to get an extra one

4:41

to two episodes a week. Okay,

4:44

anyway he dies. I hope you enjoy

4:46

today's episode. I love you and whatever

4:48

you're going through. Don't forget, you will

4:51

get through it. He will get better.

4:53

With whoever is currently waking your heart.

4:56

I promise you one day you will get

4:58

over them. They are Not your person.

5:00

They were your person. Than

5:02

they will feel the same way you did.

5:05

Okay you person softer love you. Use.

5:08

To wonder. How. You like of

5:10

the things that are killing you when I feel like

5:12

you will kill you to let go. How.

5:15

You decide between if things are meant

5:17

to be they will be and if

5:19

you wanted. You. Have to go get

5:21

it. I. Think we hold on

5:23

the tightest of the things that are meant for

5:25

us because some level we know. They

5:27

are really hours. Were. Always

5:29

seeking the love we know we don't have

5:31

Role was trying to prove the things that

5:34

are not entirely self evident. We.

5:36

Know that when we stop thinking and

5:38

talking and racking through the details again

5:40

and again and will really be over.

5:43

When. All that exists is an idea.

5:46

Holding. On is the only way to

5:48

keep it. Hi everyone and

5:50

won't won't have brand new almost adult

5:52

thing the larger self of Parker Some

5:54

movement your number one destination for personal

5:56

growth and mental health. and you big

5:59

sister and your. Violeta Welcome

6:01

to another brand new Tuesday! All

6:03

About Benson Book Club! As you

6:05

know, I am writing a book

6:07

this year which is why I

6:09

am reading lives of Books and

6:11

learning how to write a how

6:14

to read. This will not really

6:16

how to read but you get

6:18

my dress. And that

6:20

is why every to say I will

6:22

be taking you on this journey with

6:24

me by reading through some of my

6:27

favorite book, some of my favorite chapters

6:29

whatever the topic of the month is.

6:32

So. Today. I

6:34

will be reading. Why?

6:36

We hold on the titus on the things than

6:38

are and for us. And

6:40

how to finally stop loving someone to

6:43

doesn't love us back of the finally

6:45

like girls date year. Of.

6:47

Someone. And choose

6:49

our souls. This. Is all from

6:51

one on one essays. They will change the

6:53

way you think. So

6:55

why we hold on the tightest to

6:58

the things that are meant for us.

7:01

Maybe. It's because letting go has

7:03

little to do with giving somebody

7:05

permission to leave our allies or

7:07

declare that they don't love us

7:09

anymore or walk away for good

7:11

and everything to do with accepting.

7:14

The. They already have. The. Already

7:16

left before we ever told them that it

7:18

was okay to leave. I.

7:20

Don't know the fate, but I do know.

7:23

The. Things that are hours don't require

7:26

some mentally and emotionally latch onto

7:28

them to remain. To.

7:30

The best things are never forced.

7:33

Though. Never created out of ultimatums, the

7:35

never leave us reeling and questioning

7:37

them for months or years at

7:40

a time. I. Do

7:42

know. Be. You cannot prove how

7:44

much you love. By. How

7:46

much your paint over loss? They.

7:49

You do not prove your character. By.

7:51

How well you can convince other people you

7:54

doing the right thing. And.

7:56

I do know. That. It's never

7:58

the love, the. hurts you.

8:00

It's the attachment to the idea of

8:03

what it's supposed to be. I do

8:05

know that we will never

8:08

be able to find real love unless

8:11

we learn to detach from what it should

8:13

be. I do know

8:15

that we're never going to find true happiness until

8:17

we do the same. I do

8:19

know that nothing here lasts and

8:22

the idea that it does is an

8:24

illusion. We eventually

8:26

lose everything.

8:29

Every last thing we have and

8:32

own. So the point isn't what we

8:34

lose but what we

8:36

had in the first place. We

8:39

are meant to attain things like bullet points

8:41

and a resume. We're supposed to

8:43

go through them and let them go through us. Some

8:46

love teaches us what it has to teach us in

8:48

the month. Some a

8:51

lifetime. Neither is more

8:53

important than the other. The

8:55

things that are meant for us are

8:57

the things that force us to stop

8:59

seeking an external light but

9:01

to start becoming it. The things

9:03

that are meant for us are

9:05

trying and joyous and beautiful and

9:08

excruciating. They're the things that

9:10

we don't think about. The

9:12

things we don't have to hold onto

9:14

tightly to make it happen. So

9:17

what is the one question to

9:20

ask yourself? If you're

9:22

finally tired of fighting

9:24

for someone's love. You see we talk a

9:26

lot about how to

9:29

get love. In fact we talk about it

9:31

nonstop. How to land a

9:33

date. Turn someone on. Find

9:35

a boyfriend. Make yourself respected, admired,

9:37

seen as successful. We talk

9:40

about how to convince someone to commit. How

9:42

to convince someone to get married to take us out

9:45

again. All of these things

9:47

are the ways to try to manipulate the

9:49

love that people give us. We

9:51

talk a lot about how to get love.

9:54

But we talk very little about how to give it.

9:57

We talk about getting love as though it's a It's

10:00

prerequisite to give the love

10:02

back as though giving if

10:05

we aren't receiving makes us weak as

10:07

though No respectable person will keep being kind

10:09

and loving to someone who didn't love them

10:11

back as though being loving

10:13

is being devoted Rather than

10:16

being strong and honest and

10:18

true and sometimes walking away

10:21

You cannot convince someone to love you if they

10:23

don't This above

10:25

most else is a rule Love

10:28

is not something you get it's

10:31

not something someone else has and something that you

10:33

have to earn It

10:35

is not something that exists outside of you

10:37

when someone doesn't want to express affection and

10:39

love and respect to you You

10:42

have two choices you can

10:44

try to change that fact and

10:47

you know keep yourself stuck or You

10:50

can keep giving love Which

10:53

will actually help you move on? The

10:56

pain of not having love is the pain

10:58

of your heart being closed The

11:00

pain of losing love is the pain of your heart

11:02

closing The pain of losing love

11:04

is trying to change or manipulate someone

11:06

into thinking or seeing you differently It

11:10

is not actually a loss of love.

11:13

It is a step into Delusion

11:15

and denial it is

11:17

the adoption of the idea that you are not lovable

11:19

as you are Love is

11:21

not something anybody can take away from you

11:25

It is not something also that anybody can

11:27

truly give you either It's

11:29

not something that you get It

11:32

is something you experience and

11:35

that exchange requires an equal

11:37

and honest and willing

11:39

contribution on each side It's

11:42

not something that anybody is responsible to

11:45

do for you And it's

11:47

not something that anybody owes you in a

11:49

life If you go

11:51

on living as though other people required to give

11:53

you love you will never actually experience it If

11:57

you go on living as though love is something that is

11:59

always required of you you, then

12:01

you will actually find in everything. In

12:04

every stranger on the subway, on the

12:07

three-day long relationship, six-year

12:10

love affair that almost was it, and

12:13

everything else, all of

12:15

these different loves become equally important.

12:18

The pain of losing

12:20

transmutes into the beauty of having

12:22

discovered something more important than someone who

12:24

can promise you of forever. Your

12:27

life turns into a series of

12:29

little love stories, all

12:31

of which teach you how to

12:34

love better, how to give more,

12:36

how to be more of yourself, what

12:38

you like, what you don't like, how

12:41

to walk away with grace, how

12:43

to respect yourself genuinely, and how

12:45

to listen to your intuition. When

12:48

you want to pity yourself over how little love you're

12:50

getting, I implore you

12:52

and I ask you to stop and

12:54

consider. How much

12:56

are you actually giving? So

12:59

yes, you must give love and you

13:01

have to continue giving love because that's

13:04

how you get that love back. The

13:07

whole not loving someone against them and

13:09

so on. I

13:11

don't know if you're like me, but one

13:13

thing that's been really annoying me this year

13:15

is when I started to notice the cost

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18:16

But then sometimes we fall into

18:18

the space where sure, we learn

18:20

how to love ourselves because

18:23

we constantly give love to everyone around us,

18:25

but. even though we

18:27

love ourselves, we can help by

18:29

loving someone that doesn't love us back. And

18:32

eventually, it becomes unhealthy to

18:35

keep giving love to somebody

18:37

that doesn't reciprocate, somebody

18:39

that doesn't respect

18:41

you, someone that takes it for granted. It's

18:45

up to you to figure out what

18:47

your boundaries are because it's one thing to

18:49

give love to everyone around you, and it's

18:52

another thing to be taken for granted. When

18:55

you spill over too much love that you forget

18:57

to give love to yourself. Because

19:00

the truth is, when you start to really love yourself,

19:03

you start to remove people who don't love you

19:05

in your life, people who disrespect

19:07

you because you will stop and see, well, I

19:10

never speak to myself this way, I would

19:12

never treat myself this way, then why would I

19:14

allow this person to speak to me like that?

19:16

Why would I allow and put up with this

19:18

person to treat me this way? That's

19:21

what happens. But for those

19:23

where it doesn't happen fast enough, how

19:27

do you fall out of love with

19:29

the idea of

19:31

someone? Because a lot of

19:33

the time, it's not our need to fall

19:35

out of love with someone, it's the fact that we

19:37

are in love with the idea of someone that we

19:39

cannot let go. So what do we do?

19:42

There are two ways things turn out. You

19:45

lose a thing, you're placed with something else,

19:47

it's better than what you lost, you're happy.

19:50

Or you lose a thing, it doesn't disappear when

19:52

it's replaced, not having it becomes as much of

19:54

a presence as having it was, and

19:57

you're told the things you can't forget about

19:59

are meant to be on your mind. mind

20:01

the simple aftermath of having loved

20:03

somebody so deeply you

20:06

hold on to is someone

20:08

and somebody that was

20:10

supposed to be yours. We

20:12

are told to believe that not being

20:15

able to let go of things we lose does

20:17

nothing but prove how much we love them in

20:19

the first place but I

20:21

don't think that's true. Living

20:23

with a ghost, crafting an idea

20:25

that you need to hold on to to

20:27

fill a space or insecurity with is

20:30

using the idea of someone to fix

20:32

something about yourself. We

20:35

love heartbreak and

20:37

we love putting it on ourselves. We're

20:40

more nostalgic for things that never happened than

20:42

we are grateful and present the things that

20:44

are. We start missing things

20:47

we never had that we

20:50

just created in our minds in this

20:52

false alter reality. The things that are

20:54

easily replaced are usually the ones that

20:57

you haven't attached existential meaning to. That

21:00

is to say they're the things you don't

21:02

rely on to give you a sense of

21:04

self. The things that

21:06

don't leave your head are not the

21:08

ones to show you what's quote-unquote meant

21:10

to be. They're the things that show you

21:13

what you're still not okay with on your own.

21:16

You know what unconditional love is? Unconditional

21:19

love is loving someone even if

21:21

they don't unconditionally love you in

21:23

return. That's a section

21:25

without pretense. That's what we

21:28

claim we're after and yet we can

21:30

barely grasp the idea. Most

21:33

people we enjoy because their contact

21:35

highs. The idea of

21:37

types and standards are proof that

21:39

we're just looking for somebody to

21:41

play a role. Heartbreak

21:43

is the aftermath of when somebody sets

21:46

out of the very specific notion you

21:48

had of them. Suddenly they're

21:50

not doing what you think they should

21:52

be doing and so they are wrong.

21:55

The inability to detach is holding on

21:57

to the fact that the package looked

21:59

so profound. perfect at first, the

22:01

pieces seem to fit. But

22:04

still, being in love

22:06

with somebody that you only used to know

22:08

is like falling in love with a book,

22:10

which I know sounds like some

22:12

dumb example, but people really do fall in

22:14

love with them. The point is, you

22:17

can love it all you want, but

22:19

it's a story that runs parallel to

22:21

yours. At the end of

22:24

the day, it's static, it's memory. It's

22:27

a sentence that you cannot change. It

22:30

ends how it ends. It

22:32

says what it says. A

22:34

friend once told me that the secret to

22:36

finding love was not actually to look for

22:38

it, but to heal the things

22:41

that were preventing you from seeing and

22:43

receiving it. I think

22:45

the biggest one of all is, what

22:48

will having this love fix, what

22:51

will having this person next to me make

22:53

me feel better about? What

22:55

do I need them to tell me? What

22:58

do I need them to prove? Who

23:01

do I need them to look great in

23:03

front of? What purpose do

23:05

they serve for my ego? This

23:08

is true of many things, not just of love. We

23:11

confuse genuine affection and real love

23:13

with the light, happy, free feeling

23:15

we experience for a few seconds,

23:17

a few days, a few months

23:20

when we have fed our egos. That's

23:24

why it doesn't last. That's

23:26

why we hold onto ideas of things that

23:28

were and things that we need to be. The

23:31

idea of someone saving us, the

23:34

idea that someone saved something about

23:36

ourselves. And the more

23:38

we hold onto these fragments of a person,

23:41

those sound bites, those

23:43

dreams that distract us from the

23:45

moment, we end up with a

23:48

few distilled memories that we've turned

23:50

into life sustaining hope. And

23:53

we piece it all together and we place it

23:55

onto the shoulders of the person who we thought

23:57

loved us enough to make us love ourselves. And

24:00

if you're not careful, the person will

24:02

become a part of you. They

24:04

will become the good part, the whole part,

24:07

the love of your life. When in

24:09

reality, it should be you. Wow,

24:12

I love that ending. So what is

24:14

the very important reason why we keep choosing

24:16

love? We keep choosing to love people who

24:18

cannot love us back. Well,

24:21

the purpose of a relationship is not

24:23

to be loved perfectly or forever. It

24:25

is not to have our every whim

24:27

and wish met and fulfilled. It

24:29

is not to be completed or to have

24:31

our minds and hearts fueled by the

24:33

hormonal simulation we think is a feeling of

24:36

love. The purpose

24:38

of a relationship is not the

24:41

universe way of saying you are worthy and

24:43

here is someone to prove it. The

24:46

purpose of a relationship is to see

24:48

ourselves completely. It is

24:50

to see the parts of ourselves that we are

24:52

otherwise unconscious of. The purpose of a

24:55

relationship is to infuriate and overjoy

24:57

and destroy us so we can

24:59

see what angers us, what thrills

25:01

us and where we need to

25:03

give ourselves love. The

25:05

purpose of a relationship is not to fix us

25:07

or heal us or to

25:10

make us whole and happy, just

25:12

to show us where we

25:14

need fixing and what parts of us are

25:16

still broken. And perhaps

25:19

the most brutal of all

25:21

that nobody can do this work

25:23

or make us happy but ourselves. We

25:26

choose to love people who cannot love us

25:28

back to teach ourselves that we are in

25:30

fact worthy of being loved back. We

25:33

choose these people because they represent the

25:35

parts of us that we don't

25:37

love. Why else

25:39

would we waste our time on

25:42

people who do not return our feck-hearn?

25:46

We choose to love these people because

25:48

they are truly the only ones with

25:50

whom we share an intimate connection deep

25:52

enough that we can awaken

25:54

and illuminate the darkest corners of

25:57

ourselves and they are the only ones who

25:59

can love us. who can leave and let

26:01

us do what we are here to do, to

26:04

resolve and actualize and heal them

26:06

on our own. It

26:08

is not the nature of love that

26:11

people struggle with, but what

26:13

it is designed to do. Most

26:15

of our turmoil simply comes from never

26:17

having been told that, that love will

26:19

keep breaking our hearts until they open

26:21

and that we will be the ones

26:23

throwing ourselves in again and again and

26:26

again. Our life partners are

26:28

the people who come after the

26:30

love that opens us. Our

26:32

big loves are the

26:35

love that emerges after. We

26:38

think we've lost them already. They

26:40

come after already, after

26:42

we've already cleared out the damage, only

26:45

after we've learned what it means to

26:48

love ourselves. It is

26:50

in this we realize that love is

26:52

sharing what we already have, not

26:54

relying on someone else to give us something

26:57

to supplement. It is

26:59

in this that we realize how crucial

27:01

it was to love the people who

27:03

can never love us back. They

27:06

were never meant to. And

27:08

the rest only depends on how long it

27:10

takes us to realize this. I

27:13

love that page so much. So

27:15

if you're looking for love, then

27:18

the truth is you have to be the

27:20

person that you're looking for. You

27:23

have to live as if it's already yours.

27:26

That's part of the manifesting

27:28

stuff. And you

27:30

have to know when to walk

27:32

away. Everyone thinks that the hardest

27:34

part of dating and love is

27:37

finding someone. But the truth is

27:40

the hardest part of dating is knowing when

27:42

to walk away, knowing when

27:44

enough is enough, knowing when you've learned

27:46

the lesson you needed to learn. You've

27:49

taken all the love you can get from that

27:51

relationship and now it's time to choose

27:54

yourself all over again. And yes, love

27:56

will keep breaking you, But

27:58

love is also beautiful. And exciting

28:01

and. You. Can't

28:03

have. The joy you

28:05

see can live without also experiencing pain.

28:08

And. I think.

28:11

Like a previously said, you need to get

28:13

your heart. And.

28:15

Really go through it sometimes in order

28:18

to find the person you're finally went

28:20

to be with because you will get

28:22

to become the person. You're. Meant

28:24

to be in order to be with

28:27

the person you want to be with.

28:29

Any revised that is all for today's

28:31

episode of you Enjoyed It Please go

28:34

ahead and give me a farce or

28:36

review on the Apple. Podcasts up A

28:38

have my podcast tremendously and helps stay

28:40

afloat and say in the charts. And

28:43

also like a previously said, we are

28:45

now moving to three episodes the week

28:47

Sophie and Reuters episode Guess What we

28:50

Have to more the sweet. But as

28:52

for my oh gee perceived modi. Listeners

28:54

and you can subscribe to our

28:57

pockets in the discussion via of

28:59

this episode see get to catch

29:01

more of Me. A

29:04

pay rise. I love you. Skill

29:06

forgets love yourself by.