0:00

She may feel something like this, I

0:03

have given to you and you have ignored me. You

0:06

had your chance, I deserve better. I can't

0:08

trust you, I'm too tired. I have

0:11

nothing left to give. I will

0:13

not let you hurt me again. Repeatedly,

0:15

when this is the case, I have

0:17

assured women that they don't have to

0:19

give more to have a better relationship,

0:22

which I think is a mistake a lot of us women make.

0:25

Their partner actually will give them more if

0:28

they give them less. When a man

0:30

has been ignoring her needs, it

0:33

is as though they have both been asleep.

0:35

When she wakes up and remembers her needs,

0:37

he also wakes up and wants to give

0:40

her more. The following podcast

0:42

is a dear media production. It's

0:44

Spyla Benson, your favorite meme queen

0:47

in the big sit you didn't

0:49

ask for, but need a welcome

0:51

to Almost Adulting. Almost adulting,

0:53

almost adulting. Are

0:56

you ready? Hi besties

0:58

and welcome to a brand new Almost

1:01

Adulting, the larger self-love podcast and movement,

1:03

your number one destination for personal growth

1:05

and mental health. I'm your

1:07

big sister and your host, Violeta. Welcome

1:10

to a brand new Tuesday episode

1:12

of Benson Book Club. I'm writing a

1:15

book this year, which is why I

1:17

have decided to dedicate every

1:19

Tuesday to the Benson Book Club,

1:21

where I'll be sharing with you

1:24

some of my favorite books, some

1:26

of my favorite authors, and some of my favorite

1:28

chapters from those books based on

1:30

whatever the topic of the month is

1:33

for the podcast. So today we will

1:36

be discussing how to motivate the

1:38

opposite sex. So

1:40

AKA how to win arguments or

1:42

how to understand

1:44

your partner way better. This

1:47

is from the book, Men Are

1:49

From Mars, Women Are From Venus

1:51

by John Gray. He

1:53

has a PhD, so this is one of

1:56

my favorite books and I'm excited to cover

1:58

it today. Centuries

2:00

before the Martians and the Minnesians

2:03

got together they had been quite happy living

2:06

in their supper worlds. Then

2:08

one day everything changed. The

2:10

Martians and the Minnesians

2:13

on their respective planets suddenly

2:15

became depressed. It

2:17

was this depression however that motivated them

2:19

to eventually come together. Understanding

2:22

the secrets of their

2:24

transformation helps us today to recognize how

2:26

men and women are motivated in different

2:28

ways. With this new

2:31

awareness you will be better equipped to support

2:33

your partner as well as to get support

2:35

that you need at a difficult and stressful

2:37

time. Let's go back in

2:39

time and pretend to witness what happened. When

2:41

the Martians became depressed everyone on the planet left

2:43

the cities and went to their caves for a

2:46

long time. They were stuck and

2:48

couldn't come out until one day when a

2:50

Martian happened to glimpse the beautiful Minnesians

2:52

through his telescope. As he

2:55

quickly shared his telescope the

2:57

sight of these beautiful beings

2:59

inspired the Martians and their

3:01

depression miraculously lifted. Suddenly

3:04

they felt needed. They came out of

3:06

their caves and they began building a

3:08

fleet of space shifts to fly to Venus.

3:11

Wow some men just never changed. They see vagina

3:13

women they're like no more I'm not depressed anymore.

3:16

Just kidding that you will get

3:19

to learn then how what motivates each sex.

3:21

When the Venusians became depressed to feel

3:23

better they formed circles and they began

3:26

talking with one another about their problems.

3:29

But this didn't seem to relieve the depression.

3:31

They stayed depressed for a long time until

3:35

through their intuition they experienced a

3:37

vision. Strong and

3:39

wondrous beings the Martians would

3:41

be coming across the universe to

3:43

love serve and support them. Suddenly

3:47

they felt cherished. As

3:49

they shared their vision their depression lifted

3:52

and they happily began preparing for the

3:54

arrival of the Martians. So as

3:56

you can tell already the difference is Martians no

3:58

longer depressed when they were born. they felt

4:00

needed. Venus ladies longer

4:02

depressed when they felt cherished. So,

4:06

men are motivated and empowered when

4:08

they feel needed. Women, a motivated

4:10

and empowered when they feel cherished.

4:12

This is important. These

4:15

secrets of motivation are still applicable.

4:17

For repeat, men are motivated and

4:19

empowered when they feel needed. When

4:21

a man does not feel needed

4:23

in a relationship, he gradually becomes

4:25

passive and less energized. With each

4:27

passing day, he has less to

4:29

give the relationship. On

4:31

the other hand, when he feels trusted to

4:33

do his best to fulfill her needs and

4:35

appreciate of her's efforts, he is then empowered

4:37

and he has more to give. Like

4:40

the Venetians, women are motivated and

4:42

empowered when they feel cherished. When

4:45

a woman does not feel cherished

4:47

in a relationship, she gradually becomes

4:49

compulsively responsible and exhausted from giving

4:51

too much. On the other hand,

4:53

when she feels cared for and respected, he

4:55

is fulfilled and has more to give as

4:57

well. A man falling

4:59

in love with a woman is similar to

5:02

what took place when the first Martians discovered

5:04

the Venus women. Stuck in

5:06

his cave and unable to find the source of

5:08

his depression, he was searching the sky with a

5:10

telescope. As if he had been

5:12

struck by lightning and one glorious moment in

5:14

his life was permanently

5:16

changed. He had glimpsed through

5:18

his telescope a vision he

5:20

described as awesome beauty and

5:22

grace. He had discovered

5:24

the Venus ladies. His

5:27

body lit on fire. As

5:30

he watched these women for the first time in

5:32

his life, he began to care about someone other than

5:34

himself. From just one glimpse, his

5:36

life had a new meaning. His

5:38

depression lifted. Martians have

5:40

a win and lose philosophy. I

5:43

want to win and I don't care if I lose. As

5:46

long as each Martian took care of

5:48

himself, this formula worked fine. It worked

5:50

for centuries, but now it needed

5:52

to be changed. Giving primarily

5:54

to themselves was no longer satisfying.

5:56

Being in love. They

5:58

wanted the women to win. win as

6:00

much as themselves. In

6:03

most sports today we can see an

6:05

extension of this Martian competitive code. For

6:07

example, in tennis I not only want

6:09

to win but I also try to

6:12

make my friend lose by making it

6:14

difficult for him to return my shots.

6:16

I enjoy winning even though my friend

6:18

loses. Most of these Martian attitudes have

6:21

a place in life but this win-lose

6:23

attitude becomes harmful in our adult

6:25

relationships. If I seek

6:27

to fulfill my own needs at the expense

6:29

of my partner, we are

6:31

sure to experience unhappiness,

6:33

resentment, and conflict. The

6:36

secret of forming a successful relationship

6:38

is for both partners to win.

6:41

After the first Martian fell in love

6:43

he began manufacturing a telescope for all

6:45

of his brother Martians. Very

6:48

quickly they all came out of their

6:50

depressions. They too began to feel love

6:52

for these Venus women. They

6:54

started to care about the Venus women as much

6:56

as themselves. The strange and

6:58

beautiful Venus women were a mysterious attraction

7:01

to the Martians. Their differences

7:03

especially attracted the Martians. When

7:06

the Martians were hard, no pun intended, the

7:08

Venus women were soft. When

7:10

the Martians were angular, the Venus women were

7:12

round. When the Martians were cool, the Venus

7:14

ladies were warm. In a

7:16

magical and perfect way, their differences seemed

7:19

to complement each other. In an unspoken

7:21

language, the Venus women communicate loud and

7:23

clear. We need you.

7:26

Your power and your strength can

7:28

bring us great fulfillment. Filling

7:30

a void deep within our being,

7:32

together we could live in a

7:34

great happiness. This invitation

7:37

motivated and empowered the Martians. Many

7:39

women instantly understand how to give this

7:41

message. In the beginning of a relationship,

7:43

a woman gives a man a brief

7:45

look that says, you could be

7:48

the one to make me happy. In

7:50

the subtle way she actually initiates

7:52

the relationship. This look enough encourages

7:54

him to come closer. It empowers

7:56

him to overcome his fears of

7:58

having a relationship. Unfortunately,

8:01

once they're in a relationship and as the

8:03

problems begin to emerge, she

8:05

doesn't know how important the

8:07

message still is to him

8:09

and she ends up neglecting to send

8:11

it. The Martians were

8:13

very motivated by the possibility of making

8:16

a difference on the Venus Ladies. The

8:19

Martian race was moving to a new level

8:21

of evolution. They were no longer satisfied by

8:23

just proving themselves and developing their power. But

8:26

they wanted to use their power and

8:28

skills to serve others, especially in the

8:31

service of the Venus Women. They

8:34

began developing a new philosophy, a win-win

8:37

philosophy. They wanted

8:39

a world where everyone cared for themselves

8:41

as well as for others. So

8:44

love motivates Martians. The Martians

8:47

began building a fleet of spaceships

8:49

that they would carry them across

8:51

the heavens to Venus. They

8:54

had never felt so alive. Through

8:56

glimpsing the Venus Ladies, they were beginning

8:58

to have unselfish feelings for the first

9:01

time in their history. Similarly,

9:03

when a man is in love, he

9:05

is motivated to be the best he

9:07

can be in order to serve

9:10

others. When his heart is

9:12

open, he feels so confident in

9:14

himself that he is capable of making

9:16

major changes. Okay, so far we

9:18

are learning the men need to feel needed. Men

9:21

are nicer when they love you. Men

9:24

want to serve you when they love you.

9:27

Men's hearts are more open and they

9:29

feel more confident in themselves when they

9:31

have love because they feel needed by

9:33

the opposite sex. Okay. Given

9:35

the opportunity, the Martian wanted to prove

9:37

his potential and express his best self.

9:40

Only when he feels he cannot

9:43

succeed does he regress back to his

9:45

old selfish ways. The old

9:47

selfish ways are the

9:50

win-lose situation and I only

9:52

care about myself situation. When

9:54

a man is in love, he begins to care about another

9:56

as much as himself. Oh, okay. Basically

9:58

everything I said. He is suddenly

10:00

released from the binding chains of being motivated

10:02

for himself alone and becomes free to give

10:05

another, not for personal gain, but out of

10:07

caring. He experiences his partner's

10:09

fulfillment as if it was his

10:11

own. He can easily now endure

10:13

any hardship to make her happy

10:15

because her happiness makes him happy.

10:18

His struggle becomes easier because he is

10:20

energized with higher purpose. Most

10:23

men are not only hungry to give love, but

10:25

they are starving for it. Their

10:27

biggest problem is that they do not know

10:29

what they are missing. They rarely

10:32

see their fathers succeed in

10:34

fulfilling their mothers through giving.

10:37

As a result, they do not know that

10:39

a major source of fulfillment for a man

10:41

can come through giving. When

10:43

his relationships fail, he finds himself depressed

10:45

and stuck in his cave. He stops

10:47

caring and he doesn't know why he

10:49

is so depressed. At such a time,

10:51

he would draw from relationships or intimacy

10:53

and then remains stuck in his cave.

10:56

He would tell himself, what is it all

10:58

for and why should he

11:00

even bother? He doesn't know that

11:02

he has stopped caring because he doesn't

11:05

feel needed. He does not

11:07

realize that by finding someone who needs him,

11:09

he can shake off his

11:11

depression and be motivated again. So

11:14

men, are you hearing this? If you

11:16

want to cure your depression, all

11:18

you need to do is to feel needed by other

11:21

women. So give them money. Give them

11:23

affection. The women will need you. Obviously, it's

11:25

a joke, but you get the truth. When

11:28

a man doesn't feel he is making a

11:30

positive difference in someone else's life, it's hard

11:32

for him to continue caring about his life

11:34

and relationships. To become motivated

11:37

again, he needs to feel appreciated,

11:39

trusted and accepted. Not

11:41

to be needed is a slow death for

11:43

a man. Now a woman falling in

11:45

love with a man is similar to what took

11:47

place when the Venus ladies believed

11:49

that the Martians were coming. She

11:51

dreamt that a fleet of spaceships from

11:54

Heavens would land and race of strong

11:56

and caring Martians would emerge. These

11:59

Beings would Not. Need nurturing but instead.

12:02

Be. Wanted to provide for and take

12:04

care of the Venus ladies is

12:06

more sense were very devoted and

12:08

they were inspired by the Venus

12:10

Ladies beauty and culture. The Martians

12:13

recognize that their power incompetence were

12:15

meaningless without someone to serve. Who.

12:18

These. Wonderous and marvel beings have

12:20

found relief and is phrase in

12:23

the promise of serving pleasing and

12:25

for selling the venus ladies What

12:27

a miracle. The. Venus

12:29

ladies have been depressed because they felt

12:31

isolated and alone. The. Common of

12:33

depression they needed to feel that loving help was

12:36

on the way. Most men

12:38

have a little awareness of how important

12:40

it is for a woman to feel

12:42

supported by someone who cares. Women are

12:44

happy when they believe that there needs

12:46

will be met. When a

12:48

woman is upset over one

12:50

confused, exhausted, or hopeless which

12:52

he needs most is simple

12:55

companionship. She. Needs to feel

12:57

like she's not alone. She needs

12:59

to feel loved and cherished. Empathy.

13:02

Understanding validation, compassion go a long

13:04

way to assist her and becoming

13:06

more receptive and appreciative of the

13:08

support men don't realize is because

13:10

they're Martian Instincts tell them that

13:12

it's best to be alone when

13:14

they're upset. But. When she's

13:16

upset. Out of respect

13:18

he will then leave her alone. Or.

13:21

If he stays he makes

13:23

matters worse by trying to

13:25

solve her problems. He does

13:27

not in sync leave realize

13:29

how very important closeness, intimacy,

13:31

And sharing or to her what

13:34

she needs most is someone to

13:36

listen. So this quickly talks about

13:38

sell men's first instinct because of

13:40

would be do when they are

13:43

feeling down his they need a

13:45

long time or automatically tried to

13:47

figure out how to solve the

13:49

problem. Women: Are now

13:51

looking for that. So that is why.

13:54

The. book is men are from mars women are

13:57

from venus which means when a woman is

13:59

upset the man One's first instinct, not even

14:01

on purpose, is to either 1. Leave

14:03

her alone so she can have some

14:05

freedom and space which upsets her more or 2. Try

14:09

to figure out what the problem is and

14:11

solve it because that's his second instinct as

14:13

a man from Mars which

14:16

again upsets her because he doesn't realize that

14:18

C, what she needs is to

14:20

feel like she is not alone to feel

14:22

careful so just someone to listen. Through sharing

14:24

her feelings she begins to remember that she

14:26

is worthy of love and that her needs

14:29

will be fulfilled. Doubt and

14:31

mistrust then melt away. Her tendency

14:33

to be compulsive relaxes as she

14:35

remembers that she is worthy of

14:37

love. She doesn't have to earn

14:39

it, she can relax, she can

14:42

give less, and she can receive more

14:44

because she deserves it. On

14:46

Venus they live by lose-win philosophy. I

14:49

lose so that you can win as long

14:51

as everyone made sacrifices for others and everyone

14:53

was taken care of but after

14:55

doing this for centuries the Venus

14:57

ladies were tired of always caring

15:00

about one another and sharing everything.

15:02

So the men lived by a

15:05

win-lose philosophy until they saw

15:07

the ladies and they wanted to go into a

15:09

win-win philosophy just like the women. They

15:11

lived by a lose-win philosophy always sacrificing

15:13

themselves and now they're retired of it

15:15

which is why they wanted someone to

15:17

finally care for them and

15:19

go by the win-win philosophy. Similarly,

15:22

many women today are also tired of

15:25

giving. They want time off. Time

15:27

to explore being themselves, time to care

15:29

about themselves first. They want someone

15:31

to provide emotional support, someone that they don't have

15:33

to take care of. The

15:36

Martians fit the bill perfectly. This

15:38

is also all about feminine energy and masculine

15:40

energy so I love this book. At

15:43

this point the Venus ladies needed to learn

15:45

how to receive while the

15:47

Martians needed to learn how to give. The

15:50

same change commonly takes place in men and

15:52

women as they mature. In her

15:54

younger years a woman is more willing

15:56

to sacrifice and mold herself to fulfill

15:59

her partner's needs. In a

16:01

man's younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and

16:03

unaware of the needs of others. As

16:05

a woman matures, she realizes how she

16:07

may have been giving up herself in

16:10

order to please her partner. As

16:12

a man matures, he realizes how he

16:14

can better serve and respect others. I

16:17

love this. At what age will

16:19

this happen? As

16:21

a man matures, he also learns that he

16:23

may be giving up himself, but his major

16:25

change is becoming more aware of how he

16:28

can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman

16:30

matures, she also learns new strategies

16:32

for giving, but her major

16:34

change tends to be learning to

16:36

set limits in order to receive what

16:39

she wants. So

16:42

when a woman realizes she has been giving too

16:44

much, she tends to blame her partner for her

16:47

unhappiness. She feels

16:49

then justice of giving more than she

16:51

has received. Although she

16:53

has not received what she deserved

16:55

to improve her relationship, she needs

16:57

to recognize how she also contributed

16:59

to this problem. When

17:01

a woman gives too much, she should not blame

17:04

her partner. Similarly, when a

17:06

man who gives less should

17:08

not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive

17:11

to him because in both cases, blaming

17:14

does not work, as

17:16

that is a lose-lose situation. Understanding,

17:19

trust, compassion, acceptance, and

17:21

support are the solution,

17:23

not blaming our partners.

17:26

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21:52

this is when we dive into setting and

21:54

respecting limits on both ends so most important

21:56

however is that a woman needs to recognize

21:59

her boundaries of what she can

22:01

give without resenting her partner. So instead

22:03

of expecting her partner to even

22:05

the score, she needs to

22:08

keep it even by regulating how much she's

22:10

giving. So I like that.

22:12

So then you don't go around blaming

22:14

your partner for giving you less, then

22:16

you match his actions by also giving

22:19

less. Let's look

22:21

at an example. Jim was 39, his

22:23

wife Susan was 41 when they came

22:25

for counseling. Susan wanted a divorce. She

22:27

complained that she had been giving more

22:29

than he had for the

22:31

last 12 years and could not

22:33

take it anymore. She blamed Jim

22:35

for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and

22:37

unromantic. She said she had nothing

22:39

left to give and was ready to leave.

22:41

He convinced her to come to therapy and

22:43

she was doubtful. In a six month period

22:45

they were able to move through the three

22:48

steps for healing a relationship and

22:50

today they are still in a

22:52

happy married relationship with three children.

22:55

The three steps are the following. Step

22:57

one is motivation. So

23:00

I explained to Jim that his wife was

23:02

experiencing 12 years of accumulated resentment. So if

23:04

he wanted to save the marriage, he would

23:07

have to do a lot of listening to

23:09

her to be motivated to work on their

23:11

marriage. For the

23:13

first six sessions together, I encouraged Susan to

23:16

share her feelings and I helped Jim patiently

23:19

understand her negative feelings. This

23:21

was the hardest part of the healing process. As

23:24

he began to really listen to

23:26

her pain and unfulfilled needs, he

23:29

became increasingly motivated and

23:31

confident that he could in fact make

23:33

the changes necessary to have a loving

23:36

relationship. But before Susan could

23:38

be motivated to work on the relationship, she

23:40

needed to be heard and she needed to

23:42

feel that Jim validated her feelings. This

23:45

was the first step. So after

23:47

Susan felt understood, now they are able to proceed

23:49

to the next step. So as you will see

23:52

through the three steps is that you do need

23:54

both partners to go through the steps. Step

23:56

two is taking responsibility. take

24:00

responsibility for not supporting his wife the

24:02

way she needed to feel supported, while

24:05

Susan needs to take responsibility

24:07

for not setting boundaries. So

24:10

while Jim apologized for the way he had

24:12

hurt her, Susan also

24:14

was able to take responsibility for

24:17

her actions, and she didn't need

24:19

to apologize, but she was able

24:21

to gradually accept that her inability

24:24

to set limits and her tendency

24:26

to give more had also

24:28

contributed to their problems. She

24:31

was able to then be more forgiving because

24:33

taking responsibility for her problem was essential in

24:36

releasing her resentment. This

24:38

way, they both were motivated to learn

24:40

new ways of supporting each other through

24:43

respecting limits. Which brings

24:45

us to step number three, practice. Jim

24:48

needed to learn how to respect her

24:50

boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how

24:53

to set them. Both of

24:55

them needed to learn how to express honest

24:57

feelings in a respectful way. They

25:00

agreed in this third step to practice

25:03

setting and respecting limits. They

25:06

knew they will obviously be making some mistakes,

25:08

but being able to make mistakes gave them

25:10

a safety net while they both practice. So

25:13

some examples would be Susan practiced saying,

25:15

I don't like the way you are

25:17

talking to me. Please stop yelling

25:19

or I will leave the room. After

25:22

leaving the room a few times, she didn't need to

25:24

do it anymore because he learned. Another

25:27

example would be when Jim would make

25:29

requests that she would later resent doing

25:31

to practice saying, no, I

25:33

need to relax or no, I'm

25:36

too busy today. He discovered

25:38

that he was more attentive to

25:40

her because he finally understood how

25:42

busy or tired she was. Another

25:45

example is when they talked and Jim

25:48

interrupted her, she practiced saying, I'm off

25:50

finish, please hear me out. Suddenly,

25:53

he started listening more and

25:55

interrupting less. Wow, communication, it

25:57

works. But of course, only when both of them are in

25:59

the same place. partners want to make it work. So

26:03

the lesson here is this. As a man

26:05

experiences limits, he is motivated to give more.

26:08

Through respecting limits, he automatically is

26:10

motivated to question the effectiveness of

26:13

his behavior patterns and to start

26:15

making changes. When a woman

26:17

realizes that in order to receive, she

26:19

needs to set limits, then

26:22

automatically she begins to forgive her

26:24

partner and explore new ways of

26:27

asking for and receiving support. When

26:30

a woman sets limits, she

26:32

gradually learns to relax and

26:35

to receive more, aka sipping into

26:38

her feminine energy. So

26:41

for women, a lot of women

26:43

tend to fear figuring out

26:45

how to receive. Setting limits and

26:47

receiving can be very scary for a woman.

26:50

And I know it sounds absurd, but hear

26:52

me out. She

26:54

is commonly afraid of needing too much and

26:57

then being rejected, judged, abandoned.

27:00

Rejection, judgment, abandonment are the most

27:02

painful because deep down inside of

27:04

her unconsciousness, she holds the incorrect

27:07

belief that she is unworthy of

27:09

receiving more, especially because women tend

27:11

to be more of givers. This belief

27:14

was formed and reinforced in childhood. Every

27:16

time she had supposedly, every time she

27:18

had suppressed her feelings or her needs

27:20

or wishes, because a

27:22

woman is afraid of not being supported, she

27:24

unknowingly pushes away the support that she needs.

27:27

So when a man receives a message that she doesn't

27:30

trust him to fulfill her

27:32

needs, then he feels immediately

27:34

rejected and he's then turned off. Her

27:38

hopelessness and mistrust transforms her

27:40

valid needs into desperate

27:42

expressions of neediness and communicate to him

27:45

that the message that she doesn't trust

27:47

him to support her. Ironically,

27:50

men are primarily motivated by

27:52

being needed, but are

27:54

turned off by neediness. having

28:00

needs turned him off. When the

28:02

truth is, is her hopelessness, desperation,

28:04

and mistrust that has done so.

28:06

I think what he's trying to

28:09

say is that sometimes we tend

28:11

to get passive aggressive or we don't

28:14

communicate exactly what we need.

28:17

And if we just communicated what we needed,

28:19

a man will then feel needed versus

28:21

playing games or being

28:24

passive aggressive and so on. Or nagging

28:26

is what will then make a man

28:28

feel that the woman is being needy

28:30

versus if she just expressed exactly what

28:33

she needed. Without

28:35

recognizing that the man needs to be trusted,

28:37

it's difficult and confusing for women to understand

28:40

the difference between needing and neediness.

28:44

Needing is openly reaching out and asking

28:46

for support from a man in a

28:48

trusting manner. One that assumes

28:50

that he will do his best. This empowers him. Neediness,

28:53

however, is desperately needing support because

28:56

you don't trust you will get

28:58

it. It pushes men

29:00

away and makes them feel rejected and not

29:02

appreciated. For women, not only

29:04

is needing others confusing, but

29:06

being disappointed or abandoned is especially

29:08

painful even in the smallest ways.

29:12

It's not easy for her to depend on others and

29:15

to be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed.

29:18

So when a woman realizes that she truly deserves

29:20

to be loved, she's opening a door for a

29:22

man to give to her. But

29:24

when it takes her 10 years

29:26

of overgiving in a marriage to realize

29:28

that she deserves more, ironically, she feels

29:31

like closing the door and not giving

29:33

him a chance. She

29:35

may feel something like this. I

29:37

have given to you and you have ignored me. You

29:40

had your chance. I deserve better. I

29:43

can't trust you. I'm too tired. I

29:45

have nothing left to give. I

29:47

will not let you hurt me again. Repeatedly,

29:50

when this is the case, I've assured

29:52

women that they don't have to give

29:54

more to have a better relationship, which

29:57

I think is a mistake a lot of us women make.

30:00

Their partner actually will give them more

30:02

if they give them less. When

30:05

a man has been ignoring her needs, it

30:08

is as though they have both been asleep.

30:11

When she wakes up and remembers her needs,

30:13

he also wakes up and wants to give

30:15

her more. Predictably, her

30:17

partner will wake up from his passive

30:20

state and truly make many of the

30:22

changes that she requires. When

30:24

she is no longer giving too much because

30:26

she is feeling worthy inside herself, he comes

30:28

out of his cave and starts building spaceships

30:30

to come and make her happy. It

30:33

may take him a while to actually learn to give

30:35

her more, but the most important

30:37

step is taken. He is now aware

30:39

that he has neglected her and he

30:41

wants to change. This shows

30:43

you that instead of nagging or saying, we need to do

30:45

this, we need to do that, show

30:48

him with actions by giving less.

30:51

Because when you start to give more thinking, he

30:53

will pay attention to that, you will grow resentful.

30:56

If you take a step back, that

30:58

is when you will give him the chance to

31:01

give you more. And of course, if he doesn't, then

31:03

that's how you know to walk away from the relationship.

31:06

This is not in the book. This is

31:08

also partly reading and partly explaining. Alright,

31:11

so let's wrap this up. So,

31:13

this also works the other way around. Usually

31:15

when a man realizes that he is unhappy

31:17

and he wants more romance and love in

31:19

his life, his wife will suddenly

31:21

begin to open up and love him again. The

31:24

walls of resentment begin to melt and love

31:26

comes back to life. Quite

31:28

often when one partner makes a positive

31:30

change, normally the other one will also

31:32

change. This predictable coincidence is

31:35

one of those magical things about life.

31:38

When the student is ready, the teacher appears. When the

31:40

question is asked and the answer is heard. When

31:43

we are truly ready to receive,

31:45

then what we need

31:47

will become available. So when

31:50

the women were ready to receive, the Martians

31:52

were ready to give. So

31:54

learning to give. A man's

31:56

deepest fear is that he's not good

31:58

enough or that he's incompetent and he

32:00

tries to compensate for this with fear

32:02

by focusing on increasing his power and

32:05

competence. Success, achievements, and

32:07

efficiency are foremost in his

32:09

life. Before they discover

32:11

the Venus Ladies, the Martians were so

32:13

concerned with these qualities that they didn't

32:16

care about anything or anybody else. A

32:19

man appears most caring when he is

32:21

afraid. Just as women are

32:23

afraid of receiving, men are afraid of

32:25

giving. To extend himself

32:27

in giving to others, it means the risk

32:30

of failure, correction, and

32:32

disapproval. This belief was formed

32:34

and reinforced in childhood every time he thought

32:36

he was expected to do better. When

32:39

his accomplishments were unnoticed or were not

32:41

appreciated, deep in his unconsciousness, he began

32:43

forming the incorrect belief that he was

32:45

not good enough. So again, just

32:47

as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.

32:50

Both are based on their childhood. So

32:53

ironically here, when a man really cares

32:55

a lot, his fear of failure increases

32:57

and therefore he ends up giving less.

33:00

To avoid failure, he stops giving to the

33:02

people that he wants to give the most.

33:05

When a man is insecure, he may compensate by

33:07

not caring about anybody else except himself. His

33:10

most automatic defensive response is to say, I

33:12

don't care. For this reason,

33:14

the Martians did not let themselves feel

33:16

or care too much for others. By

33:19

becoming successful and powerful, they finally realized

33:21

that they were good enough and that

33:23

they can finally succeed in giving. Then

33:26

they discover the Venus women. Although

33:29

they have always been good enough, but

33:31

the process of proving their power prepared them

33:33

for the wisdom of self-esteem. So

33:36

the first step for a man in learning how

33:38

to give more is to realize that it's okay

33:40

to make mistakes, it's okay to fail, and

33:42

that he doesn't have to have all the answers. A

33:45

young boy who's fortunate enough to see his father

33:47

succeed in fulfilling his mother enters

33:49

relationships as an adult with a rare

33:52

confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling

33:54

his partner. He's not terrified

33:56

of commitment because he knows he can

33:58

deliver. knows that

34:00

when he doesn't deliver, he's still adequate

34:02

and he still deserves love and appreciation

34:04

for doing his best. He does not

34:06

condemn himself because he knows he's not

34:08

perfect and that he always is doing

34:11

his best and his best is good enough.

34:14

He's able to apologize for his mistakes because

34:16

he expects forgiveness, love, and

34:18

appreciation for doing his best. Many

34:21

men, especially around this time, do not

34:23

have successful role models when they were

34:25

growing up. For them, staying

34:27

in love, getting married, and having a family

34:29

is as difficult as flying on jumbo jet

34:31

without any training. He may be able

34:33

to take off, but he is sure to crash. It

34:36

is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed

34:38

the plane a few times or if you witness

34:40

your father crash. Without

34:43

the training manual for relationships, it is easy

34:45

to understand why so many men and women

34:47

give up on relationships. In

34:50

conclusion, men are motivated and empowered

34:52

when they feel needed. Men

34:54

are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

34:56

I hope you enjoyed today's episode

34:58

as much as I enjoyed sharing it with you

35:00

guys. Again, this is from the book, Men Are

35:02

From Mars, Women Are From Venus, which I will

35:04

cover in a few other Tuesday episodes. That

35:08

is all. We have a part

35:10

two this Thursday of Why Men Pull

35:13

Away because men are like rubber bands.

35:15

I can't wait. I'll see you then.

35:18

Have a beautiful day and I'll see you Thursday. Bye,

35:20

besties. Bye.