1:54

of

2:00

belonging and it could help them to develop

2:02

a deeper understanding of their own identity.

2:05

That makes total sense. You know,

2:07

that idea of developing

2:10

a greater sense of belonging is

2:12

really interesting to me. I'd love to

2:14

talk to somebody who's gone through that journey

2:17

of making contact with their birth parents.

2:20

What does belonging mean to them? Did they

2:22

find a sense of connection? Did

2:24

it in fact really affect

2:26

their identity and more

2:28

importantly how so?

2:30

Yeah, that just has to require an interview

2:33

of a real human being to understand that a little

2:35

bit. I mean statistics just aren't gonna

2:37

get you there. Okay, let's do it. I'm

2:39

on it.

2:47

I'm Salim Reshamwalla and from

2:49

the TED Audio Collective, this

2:51

is a special season of MI Normal.

2:58

I was adopted when I was 18 days old. So I

3:01

was born May 18, 1988 and my parents officially adopted

3:06

me and got off the plane in San Francisco

3:08

on June 8, 1988.

3:11

This is Amanda Rae Scuzzafava. Amanda

3:14

grew up in Connecticut in an Italian-American

3:16

family. She always knew that

3:18

she was adopted and that she was born

3:20

in the Dominican Republic.

3:22

But growing up,

3:24

Amanda didn't have any contact with her birth mother.

3:27

My mom always told

3:29

me that you were loved so

3:31

much that your birth

3:34

mother wanted better for you

3:35

and

3:38

you were given to us. And

3:40

I always just kind of took that and went

3:42

with it, you know, and I believed her.

3:45

But not everyone was as understanding

3:47

as her parents.

3:48

And I grew up in a very,

3:51

very white part of Connecticut.

3:54

Everyone looks the same, came from

3:56

similar income brackets.

3:59

So I was

3:59

was the different ones. Even

4:02

when I did everything that I possibly could not to

4:05

stand out, I still stood

4:07

out. And I think I was in sixth grade.

4:10

Do you remember those poster board things that

4:12

we used to have to have for school? Yep,

4:15

those.

4:15

Three panel science fair poster boards,

4:17

for sure. We had a project.

4:20

And we also had to bake or cook

4:22

something that represents our culture. Well,

4:26

I'm adopted, and I didn't know what to do. And

4:28

I'm not really Italian, but I don't

4:31

know anything about

4:33

being Dominican either. What do I do? And

4:36

a teacher told me,

4:37

well, just do the easier

4:39

thing. Do Italy. Oh, interesting.

4:42

Wow. So I did Italy.

4:45

It was the easier thing. Hmm.

4:52

I was bullied day in and day

4:54

out for being

4:54

adopted. Someone

4:57

once told me through AIM, when

4:59

that was a thing, how

5:01

does it feel that you weren't wanted? Oh,

5:04

over instant messenger. Over AIM,

5:06

yeah. Wow. There

5:09

was a period of my

5:11

younger years where I just wanted to be invisible.

5:13

I was like, I'm not going to cause problems. I'm going to

5:15

be quiet. I just want to just go to school and do what I

5:17

need to do and leave. My

5:21

parents showed me nothing but love.

5:23

But the hardest thing for me was

5:25

when

5:26

we're in school and we're different,

5:29

you oftentimes can go home at the

5:32

end of that school day and no longer

5:34

be different.

5:34

So your parents are like

5:36

you.

5:37

But not only was I different at school, I

5:39

was also different at home too.

5:42

My mom not fully knowing

5:45

how to braid my

5:47

curly hair.

5:48

Why is it that my sister

5:50

and I can eat the same exact

5:53

thing and move around the same amount

5:55

and she doesn't gain weight?

5:59

When did you first think of it? about looking for your birth mother

6:01

and

6:02

what did your parents think?

6:04

I always wanted to find her. That was never

6:06

a question

6:06

for me. I

6:09

was probably eight, nine.

6:11

My mom brought out a big

6:14

folder and it had my adoption papers

6:16

and phone numbers and when

6:18

they were going through the process of adopting

6:20

me and well,

6:22

there was this number. This is where the lawyer

6:24

we worked with was living. Why

6:26

don't we give it a call? And

6:28

I was like, okay, we

6:31

dial the number and it rings and

6:34

there was a man's voice and he goes, hola. And

6:36

I got so scared and I threw the phone

6:39

and I'm like, okay, someone answered, but

6:41

I didn't speak Spanish then. So

6:45

that was kind of that.

6:46

Amanda didn't try searching for her biological

6:49

mom again until she was an adult.

6:52

For context, of course, not every

6:55

adult has the option of tracking

6:57

down a parent. And even though

6:59

Amanda had those initial papers for

7:02

her, the search started with a lot

7:04

of dead ends. Facebook

7:05

came out when I was in high school

7:08

and you had to have like

7:10

a dot edu to sign

7:12

up for Facebook. But then

7:15

when I finally signed up for Facebook, I

7:17

would say like maybe once a year I would search for

7:19

her name to see if someone came up. No

7:22

one ever did.

7:25

The 23andMe came out and

7:27

I did it and I sent it in and

7:30

and then there was a part that

7:32

said, you have matches.

7:35

I had relatives in New York

7:37

city,

7:38

but it was

7:39

second, third, fourth cousins.

7:42

Amanda even took a trip to the Dominican

7:44

Republic in 2015 and through an unexpected

7:47

connection with someone at her Airbnb, her

7:50

story wound up on a local TV

7:52

channel where they described her search for

7:54

her mom.

7:58

I'm on

8:01

the 6pm

8:01

news. What?

8:04

Like, with really dramatic music with my

8:06

photo going... Like, it was

8:09

almost like I was missing. It

8:11

was very dramatic.

8:14

People were interested in her story. It

8:16

reached a lot of viewers.

8:19

But nothing concrete came

8:21

of that either. In

8:23

the meantime, Amanda was now living

8:25

in New York City, home to almost 800,000

8:28

domestic and Dominican

8:30

Americans. And she made

8:32

some Dominican friends, took up Latin dance,

8:35

really started diving into the culture.

8:37

I became Latina in New York. I

8:39

became me there.

8:41

All along, Amanda was still

8:43

looking for her biological mother. She

8:45

went back to the DR a second time in 2016. She

8:49

told some people she met there about her search for her birth

8:51

mom. People tried to help her out, but

8:54

she kept hitting those dead ends. She

8:56

went back to the US with no new information.

9:00

But then, on a third trip to the

9:02

Dominican Republic, in 2017, she met a lawyer. And

9:06

he promised to help her. They

9:08

sat down and went through her adoption papers together.

9:11

Amanda lost touch with him, so we couldn't contact him to confirm.

9:15

But she says, He's

9:16

like, I'm going to go and see what I can do. The

9:20

next morning I get a call from him saying, like, hey,

9:23

I think I found them. They're

9:26

in La Vega, which is in the center of the country.

9:29

So the lawyer and Amanda make a plan.

9:32

Amanda will drive with her friends to La Vega

9:34

to meet the lawyer at her potential relative's

9:36

home. Amanda will wait in the

9:38

car. And if everything checks

9:41

out, if it's the right family, then

9:44

Amanda can come and meet them.

9:46

We rented a car. We were

9:48

in Harbacoa and you're driving down. And

9:51

that mountain is another level

9:53

of steep. I was so scared the full

9:55

entire time I was driving, I was scared driving

9:57

up it. And I'm just trying to take deep breaths.

10:00

and Kila's like, everything's gonna be okay. And

10:02

even if you have no luck, it'll still be okay.

10:06

And so I listened, we were parked around

10:08

the corner. It was really

10:10

hot. I remember I was wearing this blue

10:13

sundress.

10:14

And then a minute later, he's like,

10:16

it's Sam, come with me.

10:20

And I went up and they were all receptive

10:22

to me right away. They

10:24

hugged me and I was asking,

10:27

I'm like, where is she? I wanna meet her, I wanna

10:30

meet her. And they're like, oh, she lives in Rome.

10:36

I'm like, Rome, is there like

10:38

a Rome in the

10:40

DRs

10:41

that a city here? And they're like,

10:43

no, Italia.

10:45

So she immigrated to

10:47

Italy in the mid 90s. So

10:51

that's why she was so much harder to find

10:54

because she wasn't even in the DR. She was

10:57

in Europe

10:58

of all places. The last place that I would have looked

11:01

because my last name is Scazzafava. I

11:03

was raised by Italian Americans. And

11:06

then I was like, looking back at that project I mentioned

11:08

to you when I was in sixth grade, well, just do Italy

11:10

because it's

11:11

easier. Oh, wow. And that's where

11:13

your mom was. And it's like,

11:16

huh, she was in Italy this whole

11:18

time. And

11:21

so they all take out chairs from their

11:23

homes. And there was this older

11:25

man there. It's technically her uncle.

11:28

Apparently he's the one who raised her, raised

11:31

her man. He was so kind

11:33

to me. He's like, what's your favorite fruit?

11:36

Huh. And I'm like, well,

11:39

I found out that I really liked the both day recently.

11:42

I think it's like a sweet carrot juice.

11:45

But he's like, I have some of that. And he goes

11:47

and he makes me this

11:50

most delicious fresh drink and we're sitting

11:52

down, it's so hot. And

11:54

I was like, tell

11:56

me about her.

11:57

And he's like, what do you want to know?

12:00

And I was like everything. I'm like,

12:03

yeah, what is she like, what is her favorite things to do? And

12:05

he's like, Oh, she loves to clean

12:07

and to dance. That's

12:10

something that really hit

12:12

me because I

12:13

was next deep in Latin

12:15

dance and performing. Yeah,

12:17

up in New York. Yeah.

12:19

And I also like cleaning too. Like if

12:22

I'm stressed out, like I'm going to

12:24

grab a broom and just leave me alone. So

12:27

they showed me her correct Facebook,

12:29

which is crazy because I had come

12:31

across that Facebook numerous times,

12:34

but it said Italy. So it

12:36

never occurred to me that, Oh, she could be

12:38

in Italy

12:39

and we messaged

12:41

on Facebook. Were you afraid when

12:44

you sent that message?

12:45

Terrified because she could just ignore me

12:47

and block me and move on. And

12:49

there's nothing I could do. Like it's her choice

12:52

if she doesn't want a relationship with

12:54

me.

12:58

I was just as kind and gentle

13:00

as I possibly could. This is

13:02

my name. And I was adopted here.

13:05

And are you her? And

13:07

she said, is me.

13:12

Amanda was 29 years old when she finally

13:15

found her biological mother. I

13:18

really wanted to know how the experience might affect

13:20

Amanda. Would it change the way she

13:22

thought about herself and her entire identity?

13:25

Find out after the break.

13:38

After years of searching, Amanda

13:40

connected with her birth mother Josefina

13:42

on Facebook in April, 2017. Their

13:46

connection was warm from the start. Josefina

13:49

messaged that she was happy to hear

13:51

from Amanda as she had always

13:54

thought about her. They

13:56

chatted back and forth. And by

13:58

August, Amanda was on a flight to Italy. Italy to

14:00

meet Josefina in Rome.

14:20

I

14:30

was terrified. Like, is she going to like me?

14:32

What is she going

14:32

to be like? Of course. Like,

14:40

is she going to be proud of me for what I have accomplished

14:42

or did I not do enough? Is she going to be

14:44

disappointed that I'm not

14:46

a doctor or...

14:49

And it's also

14:51

awkward because

14:53

you don't know how to

14:54

act. I didn't

14:56

know how to be my

14:58

authentic self with somebody who

15:02

knew me first, knew me before I

15:04

knew me. There's this connection

15:06

that I have with this person that I don't

15:09

know.

15:10

Is it almost like a connection that

15:13

just doesn't have history? Like, it's a connection

15:15

that doesn't have a shared experience. Yes.

15:17

And it's very

15:19

interesting because your

15:21

mother, that's the first voice

15:23

you heard. That was your first interaction

15:26

in just life with that person. And

15:29

you have a connection

15:31

with your mother by default most

15:33

of the time. I was super scared

15:35

to experience a connection with somebody who was

15:38

a complete stranger

15:38

to me. And

15:41

I wanted her to like me, of course. That's

15:44

the thing about being adopted and going on a journey

15:46

to find biological families. Like, why

15:48

are you doing it?

15:49

Are you angry?

15:50

Are you trying to find this person

15:53

to unleash your rage and

15:55

being like, why did you give me up? Why

15:56

didn't you love me? I didn't

15:58

have those feelings.

15:59

I kind of went in thankful and happy

16:02

because I love my life. And more

16:04

so, it was, I want to find

16:06

you to know who you are. I want to know who

16:08

I am, but I've had a beautiful

16:10

life and

16:11

I thank you because you helped me have a beautiful life.

16:14

Amanda lands in Rome and

16:16

she's incredibly nervous.

16:19

I got off the plane, I was

16:21

sweating, never felt fear

16:24

like that before. And

16:26

she picked me up and I was so

16:28

scared. But the second

16:31

she saw me, she just grabbed me, hugged me,

16:33

wouldn't let me go.

16:34

Wow.

16:36

It was beautiful. It was really beautiful

16:38

and

16:40

we made plans to dinner that

16:42

night.

16:43

And I was so scared that she was going to bail, so

16:46

scared she wasn't going to show up, but she did.

16:51

I made her this book of my whole

16:53

entire life. Wow. From

16:54

my baby photos all the way

16:57

through to that present moment. Living

16:59

in New York, what I was doing for a living at the time,

17:03

all the stuff that she missed out on. And

17:05

I narrated it at the bottom

17:07

in Spanish, so she knew who

17:09

people were. And this

17:11

was me in second grade when I had no

17:13

front teeth. Wow. This

17:16

is me in high school. This is my prom

17:18

photo.

17:21

And that's when I gifted her that

17:23

book. And she cried when

17:25

I gave it to her.

17:28

It wasn't all rosy.

17:31

Amanda and her birth mother also

17:33

had some uncomfortable conversations.

17:36

For example, Amanda had always

17:38

hated her name. It was given to her by her adopted

17:41

parents. So she wanted to know

17:43

what her birth mother had named her. And

17:47

the answer was she hadn't

17:49

given her a name.

17:52

And that really...

17:55

It hurt. It affected me for a little while

17:57

hearing that.

17:59

But I also...

17:59

know some of that is a cultural thing

18:02

too. So I wouldn't

18:04

take it so personally. I don't think

18:07

it was necessarily intentional,

18:11

you know, because I was like, oh you never wanted me. Like

18:13

you knew from the second you found out you're

18:15

pregnant that you didn't want me, but when

18:18

she said that she was deeply sad by it, she

18:21

told me that two weeks after

18:23

she gave me up, she regretted

18:26

it and went back

18:27

to try

18:28

and get me and she had found

18:31

out that my parents had already last

18:33

like days before. Going

18:36

on that journey definitely opened up things that

18:38

were liberating and beautiful,

18:40

but also really hard too.

18:42

Maybe that's how it always is when

18:44

we go looking for answers to big questions.

18:48

Some of the things we learn along the way

18:50

are just hard to hear,

18:54

but Amanda says on the whole meeting

18:57

her biological mom has been

19:00

really helpful.

19:02

Yeah, yeah it did. I feel more

19:04

accepted. I feel more sure of myself

19:07

pre-meeting her. I was so

19:10

lost and confused all the time. Growing

19:13

up I felt

19:15

I wasn't white enough to

19:18

blend in with

19:19

my white peers, but I

19:21

was also not Latina enough

19:24

for

19:26

the Dominican girls in New

19:28

York to accept

19:29

me,

19:33

but because of finding

19:35

her

19:35

and learning to become Latina,

19:37

learning

19:38

how to be Dominican has

19:40

been the best

19:42

thing

19:43

for me.

19:45

I feel so sure of myself

19:48

today.

19:52

When we talked, Amanda was looking forward

19:54

to spending more time with her biological

19:56

mother. Introducing her to Amanda's

19:59

fiancee, maybe spending

20:01

time together in the Dominican Republic. There

20:04

are so many twists and turns

20:07

in Amanda's story, but

20:10

the part that really stands out to me is how

20:12

her sense of who she is keeps

20:15

evolving. And in this case,

20:17

just like the research Mona mentioned, connecting

20:20

with her birth parent and her roots did

20:22

help Amanda develop a deeper understanding of

20:24

who she was. She finally

20:27

found her place in the world, and that world

20:29

is bigger than she ever imagined. Mi

20:36

Normal is part of the TED Audio Collective.

20:39

This special season is hosted by me, Salim

20:41

Reshamwala. This episode was produced by

20:43

Joanne Deluna and edited by Sarah

20:46

Nicks. Our team includes Daphne Chen,

20:48

Constanza Gallardo, Michelle Quint, Bam

20:51

Ban Cheng, Roxanne Hylash,

20:53

and Jimmy Gutierrez. Jennifer

20:56

Naum is our researcher and fact

20:58

checker, Original Themes Log

21:00

by Sasami. Sarah Brugar

21:02

is our mix engineer. And of course,

21:05

thanks to Moda Chelevy for the invite

21:08

to do this special

21:09

series.