The holidays often come with additional stresses that are absent the rest of the year. Even if we are not seeing our abuser or substance user, the pressures of planning gatherings, spending money on gifts and arranging holiday plans all can add up.As survivors, our over-reactive system throws us into survival mode that much more often. We get triggered, and our alarm bells engage. Thus, those things that ‘shouldn’t be a big deal’ can result in us coping.Coping mechanisms are those tools we use to manage difficult or stressful situations. They are designed to help us overcome or escape negative experiences. Coping is natural and healthy. It is self protective.However, as survivors, our coping mechanisms can become distorted. We begin to overuse things like alcohol and drugs. We find ourselves bingeing or restricting ourselves to the extreme. We end up gambling and shopping.I was shopping every day. Before I knew it, I’d spent $1000 on things I didn’t really need. But it gave me structure and purpose. It was something I could control and find success in. Everything else in my life was overwhelming. I felt inadequate to affect any kind of results. But in shopping, I could find the perfect pair of boots, or the perfect bracelet. We use these tools because they work. Millions of people use these tools because they work. But eventually we overuse them, and they themselves become a pain we must escape. This is what I hope to avoid for you.

Know you will experience stress this season- expect to cope

Make a plan for how you will manage particular stresses. We need different coping mechanisms for different situations.

1. Covert coping mechanisms (use at work, with family present): deep breathing, body scan, going for a walk, listening to music, watching a comedy video.
2. Overt coping mechanisms (use to manage serious discomfort): going to the gym, practice a martial art (yes punching the air helps!), doing something creative (sing, dance, paint, sew), feel your feelings- cry, yell, whatever.
3. Note: choose multiple coping mechanisms! Research shows that most people only have 1-2 tools they regularly use. This ends with overuse. Choose 6-7 mechanisms you will rely on.

Set a check in prompt

Choose a volume of your coping mechanism that will set off a little internal notice. For example, if shopping is your maladaptive tool- set a value that you normally wouldn’t go over in a particular month. Perhaps that is $200, or more than 2 items. If drinking is your maladaptive tool, perhaps that’s more than 2 drinks per night, or having a drink everyday. This prompt will remind you that the behavior has switched into maladaptive and it is time to rely on other mechanisms.

Choose a stopping strategy

Once you’ve noticed that you’re overusing a particular mechanism- you won’t want to stop. We are using that tool for a reason- it works for us. Thus, we must investigate the problems to prevent further overuse.Tool:

Write a down the answers to the following questions:
What am I coping with?
What is the purpose of using this tool?
What is it doing for me?
What situation, feelings or thoughts am I overcoming by using this tool?
What can I do to overcome the situation, feelings or thoughts that are leading me to cope?
OR what other tool can I use to achieve the same results?

Expect to downcycle

For myself, I tend to go shopping> alcohol> food. Thus, if I stop one of these coping mechanisms, I can be sure the other will pick up. When I make a plan to unlatch from one of these mechanisms when I am using them maladaptively, I must plan to unlatch from all of them. Expect something similar in yourself. When you try to move away from the current coping mechanism, chances are another over used mechanism will take up the slack. The goal here is to integrate new mechanisms to diversify the pool of tools you are using.Tool:

Consider the feedback loop of each mechanism. We explored this a little in suggestion 3. What is shopping doing for you? Perhaps it gives you a sense of accomplishment. This then reinforces more shopping.

What other activity could you do to give you a sense of accomplishment? Perhaps cleaning or organizing something. Perhaps doing your holiday card list. Perhaps finishing off a project that has been on your desk. I know I know. You’re thinking, ‘really cleaning out my garage is supposed to be more appealing than shopping’? Not at first no. But you will feel that sense of accomplishment when you finish it. It will give you something to think about and plan. You can devise the perfect storage plan. These are all ways you can use those same tools you used for shopping on something that isn’t costing you money.

When awareness isn’t enough

For most of us, awareness will be sufficient to switch out our maladaptive coping for more varied or productive mechanisms. This won’t always be the case however. If you need further support, please please seek it. Disordered eating, self harm, and substance abuse are all common in victims of emotional abuse. So please know what you are facing is normal. It is also normal to need support.http://alisonwegner.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Coping-with-the-holidays.mp3

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