0:20

Hey, y'all, I'm Sunflower.

0:21

I'm Iris.

0:22

I'm Foxglove.

0:23

And I'm Sage.

0:24

And this is, And They

0:24

Were Roommates, a podcast about

0:26

modern love, life, and

0:26

everything in between.

0:29

we are not

0:29

experts at being adults, we've

0:32

just lived through a lot. If

0:32

you'd like to find a transcript

0:35

of our episode, you can find it

0:35

along with the episode on our

0:38

Buzzsprout.

0:38

Now, usually, this is

0:38

where we're going to give you a

0:42

quick summary of the stuff we're

0:42

going to be talking about for

0:44

the episode. One general advice

0:44

topic, one listener question,

0:47

and some goofing off in the

0:47

middle there. But: this is our

0:50

pilot, so we're going to structure things a little bit differently. We'll get to some

0:52

relationship advice toward the

0:55

back half of the episode, but

0:55

first, we're going to talk about

0:57

ourselves a little bit.

0:58

So I'm first

0:59

No.

1:01

I'm Sun. I am 24. I

1:01

am pansexual. And I am cis

1:05

female, and I use she/her

1:05

pronouns. I have a degree in

1:08

marketing and I work in

1:08

Development at a nonprofit along

1:11

with Sage and Iris, and I enjoy

1:11

painting, reading, video games,

1:14

and true-crime podcasts. I chose

1:14

sunflowers. First off, because

1:19

of their meaning of loyalty, and

1:19

I am a fiercely loyal person and

1:22

expect nothing less in return.

1:23

It's true!

1:24

But I also chose them

1:24

because I love that sunflowers

1:27

are huge, and tall, and they're

1:27

actually strong enough to handle

1:31

that. And I also think it's

1:31

super cool that they turn

1:34

themselves to look at the sun

1:34

all day. I find that super cute.

1:37

That's really adorable.

1:38

You're so charming.

1:39

And also you just really

1:39

really like sunflowers.

1:42

I love sunflowers!

1:42

They're so pretty. Also you can

1:45

eat them? They're just a really

1:45

useful plant.

1:48

Can you eat the whole flower, or just the seeds?

1:49

I mean, just the seeds but that's more than like, a daffodil.

1:52

I just envisioned someone

1:52

like, taking a slice out of a

1:55

sunflower and eating it like a

1:55

pizza and that was an image.

1:58

No, you just take it

1:58

off and just gnaw on it raw.

2:03

Yeah, you justbite

2:03

straight into the stalk.

2:09

Terrible.

2:10

Challenge

2:10

Mode. The worst celery.

2:18

Can you imagine? Ugh.

2:21

No, no thank you.

2:22

Anyway...

2:22

All right, I think I'm up

2:22

next. I'm Iris and I use she/her

2:27

pronouns. I am 23 years old,

2:27

bisexual, demiromantic. I am

2:31

also a cis woman. I'm part of

2:31

the disabled community. I have

2:36

some invisible disabilities as

2:36

well as some mental health

2:39

stuff. I got a degree in

2:39

linguistics and photography, and

2:44

I work in Development for a

2:44

nonprofit and run two Employee

2:47

Resource Groups. One that's a

2:47

LGBTQ one, the Pride ERG and a

2:52

disability and mental health

2:52

ERG. I have a wide range of

2:56

hobbies from embroidery to

2:56

tabletop RPGs to video games.

3:00

And I have so many thoughts

3:00

about irises apparently, I sat

3:04

down to write about why I picked

3:04

the name Iris. And like first of

3:08

all, I wanted something that was

3:08

actually a name. And that had a

3:11

meaning that resonated with me.

3:11

Iris means a lot of different

3:15

things depending on the color,

3:15

including eloquence, good news,

3:18

faith, hope, wisdom... You might

3:18

not get the sense that I'm wise

3:22

or particularly eloquent based

3:22

on this podcast, but hope and

3:25

faithful, those were two meanings that I really looked out for...

3:28

That's what editing is for.

3:29

Yeah, exactly. Oh, and

3:29

they're also associated with

3:34

royalty. And I'm a princess.

3:34

Sothere is that. Also I'm a

3:41

super huge Greek mythology nerd,

3:41

and the goddess Iris is the

3:44

goddess of the rainbow. And I'm

3:44

gay. So, bonus points for

3:47

rainbows.

3:49

You're so cute.

3:50

Justbonus points for rainbows!

3:52

You're such a little nerd.

3:55

But yeah, that's me.

3:56

I think I'm next?

3:57

Yeah.

3:58

Yeah.

3:58

I'm Foxglove, or Fox.

3:58

I'm 23, I'm non binary. I use

4:05

pretty much whatever pronouns

4:05

people prefer, but I default to

4:09

they/them. Um, I have a degree

4:09

in pre-medical studies, and I

4:15

was working as an EMT prior to,

4:15

umI am also part of the

4:19

disabled community, and I

4:19

stopped being able to ignore it

4:23

all of a sudden, pretty quick.

4:23

And currently, I am the head

4:28

editor and only editor on this

4:28

podcast, and for hobbies to fill

4:33

my time, I write novels and do

4:33

different podcasts, and I DM

4:40

tabletop RPGs, mostly. And I

4:40

read, having just dunked on Iris

4:45

for being a nerd. Those are my

4:45

hobbies, sothere you go.

4:48

Also like, please

4:48

tell us about your flower.

4:51

So

4:51

Speaking of being a

4:51

nerd...

4:55

So... about... I...

4:55

okay. Foxglove can kill you.

5:02

Because it produces something called...

5:04

Strong start!

5:06

Foxglove produces

5:06

something called digoxin. The

5:09

flower's Latin name is

5:09

digitalis. And digoxin is cool,

5:13

because on the one hand, it can

5:13

kill you super dead. But on the

5:17

other hand, we use it in a

5:17

diluted form and like micro-dose

5:21

it to treat heart failure! And

5:21

that's so cool. And I like

5:25

Biggest nerd.

5:26

I like what the

5:26

household calls, quote unquote,

5:29

'fun facts,' which you'll see a

5:29

lot of, because I spout them

5:34

constantly. And one of them is

5:34

that we use this poison that's

5:37

quite dangerous and likeand

5:37

then we went, 'Hey, you know

5:40

what, we could totally use this

5:40

to treat heart failure.' And

5:44

it's just so cool to me.

5:46

Also, medically speaking, could you explain the difference between dead and

5:48

super dead?

5:51

WhI'm sorry, what?

5:52

I guess it depends on

5:52

how much foxglove tea you drink.

5:58

One cup gets you dead, two cups

5:58

gets you super dead and three

6:01

cups makes you into a minor god

6:01

of the stuff.

6:06

Mega-dead

6:07

Mega-dead!

6:08

That'sthat's how you get to mega-death

6:09

Yeah, definitely.

6:10

three cups of foxglove tea.

6:11

100%. Um, and I don't

6:11

have a cool meaning for the

6:15

flower. I think foxgloves means

6:15

like, insecurity or anxiety or

6:18

something. But

6:20

You are an anxious bean.

6:22

Yeah, so it's

6:22

on-brand. But, the main reason I

6:24

chose it was because I could use

6:24

it as an excuse to tell people

6:28

interesting medical facts all the time.

6:32

Well, you're starting off strong with that.

6:34

Yep.

6:34

All right. I think that brings it around to me then right?

6:36

Hell yeah.

6:36

Yeah!

6:37

Okay, I am Sage, I am 28,

6:37

bisexual, cisgender, I use

6:42

he/him pronouns. My degree is in

6:42

creative writing, which you

6:46

would not know from my job,

6:46

which is the Mailroom Manager at

6:48

the same nonprofit that Iris and

6:48

Sunflower work at. And I also do

6:53

the transcription for this

6:53

podcast. Uh,

6:55

hobbiesnovel-writing, board

6:55

game design, video games, racing

7:00

and adventure games

7:00

specifically, and... most visual

7:04

media, TV, movies, anything

7:04

that's on a screen. Um, as far

7:09

as sage as my flower choice. I

7:09

think I went through literally

7:13

the entirewe passed around a

7:13

list between the four of us of

7:17

just like, all flowers, and sage

7:17

was the only one I felt any kind

7:22

of kinship with. And it sounds

7:22

old and wise, and I might not

7:27

have much wisdom, but I am old.

7:27

So there is that?

7:31

You're not that old!

7:34

Yeah, well, for the four

7:34

of us. Cheers.

7:39

The three of us are

7:39

just very precocious.

7:42

Yeah!

7:42

That is true.

7:44

That's a word for it.

7:45

Oh, and, um, I didn't

7:45

mention what I do on the

7:50

podcast, I don't think Sun did either. But if you ever message us

7:52

on any social media, you'll

7:52

Nope. probably be talking to one of

7:55

the two of us, because we do our

7:59

social media marketing mostly.

7:59

And Sun also handles like our

8:03

accounting and stuff, because

8:03

she has a business degree and is

8:05

cooler than I am.

8:06

Yeah. I answer things

8:06

on social media when I'm

8:08

physically handed a phone and

8:08

told to answer something. I

8:12

justI will forget thatI think

8:12

I post on my personal Twitter

8:15

like, once every five to seven

8:15

months.

8:19

And I do not do the social

8:19

media thing.

8:21

No, no, you don't.

8:21

That's fine. We're making it

8:24

work.

8:24

That's what you have us for!

8:26

Yeah!

8:27

Bless you both.

8:28

It's important to have at least two people.

8:29

Yeah, let's close this out

8:29

with some community agreements!

8:33

We want to close out our About section with some community agreements. We really

8:34

want to build a community that

8:37

is a kind and safe space for

8:37

everyone. We also felt that it

8:40

was important to be intentional

8:40

about this if we want to

8:42

cultivate a sense of belonging.

8:42

So here are a couple of

8:45

community agreements at the top.

8:45

They're partially borrowed from

8:48

Aorta, the Anti-Oppression

8:48

Resource and Training Alliance,

8:51

who you should check out if

8:51

you've never heard of them. So,

8:53

1, no one knows everything, but

8:53

together, we know a lot. 2,

8:57

embrace curiosity. 3, we can't

8:57

be articulate all the time. 4,

9:02

acknowledge the difference

9:02

between intent and impact. And 5

9:06

to treat

9:06

others how you want to be

9:08

treated. I do want to dig into

9:08

number 4 real quick, because

9:12

this one's really important. So,

9:12

acknowledge the difference

9:14

between intent and impact. We

9:14

have to understand that

9:17

sometimes we say things without

9:17

meaning them to be malicious,

9:20

but they can cause harm anyway.

9:20

Sometimes our actions and the

9:24

things that we say cause harm,

9:24

and when they cause harm, we

9:26

need to acknowledge the fact

9:26

that we did cause harm,

9:29

apologize for what we have done,

9:29

and take that as a learning

9:32

moment to be better in the

9:32

future. Do you want to add to

9:34

that?

9:34

That was great, No, that was great! I think

9:36

Okay.

9:36

I think you did a great job.

9:37

That sounded fantastic.

9:38

I thinkyeah, the long and

9:38

the short of it is, we are all

9:42

learning and growing together.

9:42

And we're gonna go out and do

9:45

our best to build a kind, safe

9:45

space where we can learn and

9:49

grow together, right? That's

9:49

like the TL;DR?

9:51

Yeah!

9:51

Yeah.

9:52

Cool.

9:52

Yep.

9:52

You know, take care of

9:52

each other. Sort of the only

9:55

thing that our terrible little

9:55

species has going for us.

9:58

Be excellent to each other.

9:59

Yeah.

9:59

Yeah, exactly.

10:01

Nice reference.

10:03

And in that spirit, we

10:03

also think that it's important

10:06

to name our privilege and our

10:06

growth areas. All four of us are

10:09

white. We've only lived in

10:09

America, but we do come from a

10:12

wide range of socioeconomic

10:12

backgrounds. Sun, Sage and I are

10:15

all cisgender. And here are some

10:15

of the things we believe in and

10:18

want to keep in mind as we start this podcast. First, we want to state that

10:20

Black Lives Matter, and that we

10:23

are working to use an

10:23

anti-racism lens in all the work

10:25

that we do. We know the land

10:25

acknowledgement is only one

10:28

small part of supporting

10:28

indigenous communities, but we

10:31

want to start by naming that we

10:31

live in Brooklyn on land that is

10:34

stolen from the Lenape tribe.

10:34

Even though we have disabled

10:37

folks as part of this group, we

10:37

also want to state that we

10:40

believe in disability justice,

10:40

we also believe in being

10:43

inclusive of all queer

10:43

identities, especially the ones

10:45

that tend to be excluded. This

10:45

includes transgender and

10:48

nonbinary folks, asexuals,

10:48

aromantics, bisexuals and

10:52

pansexuals. We believe in

10:52

decriminalizing sex work to make

10:55

sure that our most vulnerable

10:55

communities are kept safe. We

10:58

know how much progress we owe to

10:58

the incredible black trans women

11:01

who have always been at the

11:01

forefront of the queer rights

11:03

movement in America. There isso

11:03

much more to say, and this is

11:07

just the beginning. But we are

11:07

growing and learning along with

11:10

you, and encourage you to reach

11:10

out and correct us when we make

11:13

mistakes. Because we're all

11:13

human and mistakes are gonna

11:16

happen.

11:17

Yeah.

11:17

Oh, especially because this is not a scripted podcast. We are just winging it.

11:22

Out here. Yeah, thisthis

11:22

whole community agreements is

11:25

the most scripted thing you'll

11:25

ever hear us say. That's it.

11:28

it's true. Yeah.

11:29

Yep.

11:30

Because we want to get it

11:30

right. But yeah, also, before we

11:34

move on, I want to remind

11:34

everyonewe mentioned it at the

11:37

top, but you can find our

11:37

transcripts on Buzzsprout. We

11:40

want to make sure this podcast

11:40

is as accessible as possible.

11:44

For us, this means starting with

11:44

transcripts of all of our

11:47

full-length episodes, and image

11:47

descriptions whenever we make

11:50

original image posts on social

11:50

media. But please let us know if

11:53

you have any other ideas for how

11:53

to make the podcast more

11:56

accessible, it can be

11:56

challenging with our limited

11:58

time and resources. But we

11:58

always will do our best

12:01

There are only four of us!

12:01

Yeah, we will always do

12:01

our best to accommodate though.

12:04

Yeah!

12:04

Yeah, even if the

12:04

accommodation is, 'We don'

12:04

Exactly.

12:05

It will be at the top of

12:05

the list once the resources are

12:06

currently have the resources fo

12:06

that right now, but we have

12:08

note, and this is when and h

12:08

w we're planning to get ther

12:11

.' in our hands.

12:15

Definitely. We

12:15

alsowe are starting to pay for

12:18

more and more subscription

12:18

services that let us do more

12:20

things to make our podcast more

12:20

accessible, but that is taking

12:23

time and money, which we are

12:23

working on getting.

12:27

Yes.

12:28

But yeah! Do we want

12:28

todo we want to ask each other

12:31

some really weird questions?

12:33

Yeah, let'slet's

12:34

Yeah.

12:35

And now we're gonna move

12:35

into some fun silly stuff we're

12:38

gonna do as an intermission.

12:39

Yeah!

12:49

And now, some goofing off.

12:51

Who do we want to ask

12:51

the first questions? Do we want

12:53

to take turns?

12:54

Well, our first

12:54

question is actually a real

12:56

question we got sent.

12:57

So, the idea for this

12:57

middle section actually came

13:01

from an anonymous user on

13:01

Tumblr, because they sent us an

13:04

ask with, 'I get the flower

13:04

thing. Now I want to know what

13:08

kind of pie each of you are.' So

13:08

thank you, Tumblr user, for

13:13

sending in that question.

13:15

Because now we're gonna do

13:16

Yeah, now we're gonna do a lot.

13:17

Now we're going to do a whole bit about it.

13:19

Yeah. Which was

13:19

great, which is super great.

13:21

Also, the best part of this is

13:21

we're actually recording this

13:23

two daysTwo days after

13:23

Thanksgiving. It's not going to

13:26

come out two days after

13:26

Thanksgiving. But it was just

13:28

Pie Day.

13:30

Yes. Uh, by which

13:31

And the pie was delicious.

13:31

II do annual Pie Day

13:31

the day before Thanksgiving,

13:34

where I hang out with my mom and

13:34

we make pies for like, eight

13:38

hours. This year, it happened

13:38

over Skype because of the pandemic.

13:41

It was super cute.

13:41

They wore Santa hats. It's

13:45

really cute.

13:46

It is really cute.

13:46

Yeah, we're really adorable.

13:48

Alright, who's starting?

13:49

Hi! I call cherry!

13:50

Hi! Why cherry?

13:52

Cuz I like cherry. it's the only type of pie until

13:53

like, this year that I would

13:57

eat. So I feel like I get the

13:57

right to claim it as my pie.

14:00

You vibe with the cherry pie.

14:02

It's

14:02

Yeah, that's fair.

14:03

sweet, and, justit's

14:03

ridiculously sweet. Is the main

14:07

reason. Because...

14:08

Yeah. It's also like,

14:08

a little molten.

14:12

Yeah.

14:12

You're kind of gooey.

14:13

A little artificial, just like me.

14:17

Oh, babe!

14:17

Self-burn, those are rare. You make it sound like you've had work done!

14:22

Just starting right, right

14:22

out, out for blood.

14:25

Sounds like you do Botox or something!

14:27

No, absolutely not. No.

14:31

Oh, man. Okay.

14:31

I'm just kidding.

14:32

Well, now we all know a

14:32

little bit more about Iris.

14:36

No, I'm justI'm just

14:36

sweet. Don't mind me.

14:39

Okay. That's true.

14:39

I'mI'm calling chocolate cream

14:42

pie, because it's incredibly

14:42

cheap to make. But it's just

14:46

likeit's a crowd-pleaser

14:47

Universal appeal.

14:48

Yeah, it's just

14:48

chocolate pudding and a graham

14:50

cracker crust, and then, I put

14:50

Cool Whip on mine, because I

14:54

grew up with Cool Whip, and

14:54

that's what I put on that pie.

14:57

And it's perfect.

14:58

So you're saying you're cool.

14:59

I am

14:59

Great.

15:00

the coolest, honestly.

15:02

Absolutely.

15:02

Hell yeah.

15:02

I mean, I've always called

15:02

yourself cheap, so I guess every

15:05

single one of these has to contain a self-burn.

15:07

I amI'm pretty cheap.

15:09

Mine does not, so I will break that trend.

15:12

I grew up broke, and

15:12

I will stay broke.

15:16

Big mood though.

15:20

Sage, what pie are you?

15:21

I am pecan pie, because I

15:21

love pecan pie, but also it is

15:26

incredibly sweet and a little

15:26

nutty. And, uh, yeah, I relate

15:30

to that.

15:30

That's a good joke!

15:31

I was really hoping you were gonna do that!

15:35

Yeah. Also, the one that

15:35

Fox made a couple of days ago

15:39

was likeI picked it up and I

15:39

was expecting like,

15:43

somethingImost of my

15:43

experience with pecan pies is

15:46

the one that my family made and

15:46

like, they're delicious, don't

15:49

get me wrong, but they're like,

15:49

reasonably light, still.

15:52

They're like a pound.

15:52

I picked this one up and I

15:52

was like, 'This is fuckin'five

15:55

pounds! This is a lot of pie for

15:55

a tiny tin!' and it was

15:58

spectacular. And it's almost

15:58

gone, and I am distraught.

16:03

Yeah, it was the first

16:03

time I made a pecan pie. And,

16:06

fun fact, making caramel for the

16:06

first time at home is fucking

16:11

terrifying! I was soI was so

16:11

stressed. I was so stressed.

16:14

You did great Fox, it was so good.

16:16

Yeah, they did a great job.

16:17

Delighted that it came

16:17

out edible. Was very

16:19

nerve-wracking.

16:21

And what type of pie are you Fox?

16:23

Um, I don't know,

16:23

uh... Sun said rhubarb. I've

16:29

admittedly never enjoyed a

16:29

rhubarb pie in my life, because

16:32

I think I've mostly had bad ones

16:32

that were really, really bitter.

16:35

So, maybe that's accurate.

16:40

Are you calling yourself

16:40

bad and bitter specifically?

16:43

Just bitter.

16:44

No, they're good! They're good bitter!

16:44

They're just bitter.

16:45

Are you saying you don't

16:45

like yourself?

16:49

No, I'm saying that

16:49

I'm the household pessimist.

16:52

That's a true statement.

16:53

That is true.

16:54

Yeah, I'll give you that actually.

16:56

I think I'm right about this one still.

16:57

Short of that, I

16:57

wouldI would hear a case for

17:00

rhubarb pie. Short of that, I

17:00

don't know, apple? Uh, easy to

17:04

make, likeaccessible.

17:06

Classic!

17:07

Classic.

17:07

Classic.

17:08

Cheap.

17:11

Everyone's just going for

17:11

these burns. And I justcome on!

17:14

I also grew up

17:14

extremely broke!

17:16

You called yourself nutty!

17:17

Yeah, you did! Also, I

17:17

did pick a flower

17:20

Yeah, but that could be a good thing!

17:21

with the meaning of

17:21

anxious, so.

17:24

Yeah...

17:24

It's true.

17:24

Okay!

17:24

We're doing great, guys.

17:26

So for some less

17:26

self-burns, we can move on towe

17:29

picked a couple of other random ones

17:31

You're assuming this is going to get better.

17:32

Yeah, this is definitely gonna get better! Don't worry.

17:34

And it gets worse/better!

17:35

We're gonna getfrom

17:35

here on in, it'swe're

17:38

speedrunning. The first thing

17:38

you think of is the thing you

17:41

say?

17:42

No justification?

17:43

No, you can do a little justification, but we're gonna

17:45

Minimal justification.

17:46

say the answer as

17:46

quickly as possible. Don't think

17:49

about it, just say it, and then you can justify it later.

17:51

Okay.

17:51

Yeah.

17:52

O-okay?

17:52

Season.

17:53

Yes.

17:53

Go.

17:54

Fall.

17:54

Spring.

17:55

Winter.

17:56

Apparently I'm summer.

17:57

Yeah, cuz you're fiery.

18:02

I mean

18:04

Yeah, right?

18:05

Did you say one, Sage?

18:06

Yeah, I said spring.

18:07

You're definitely spring.

18:08

Yeah, you're definitely spring.

18:09

Yeah, definitely.

18:10

I'm winter because I like

18:10

darkness

18:13

Hate sunlight.

18:14

and hate sunlight.

18:15

Yes.

18:15

And don't like to be warm.

18:17

I'm always warm! I'm just

18:17

warm all the time, and there's

18:20

only so many layers I'm allowed

18:20

to take off and be appropriate

18:23

during the summer. So during the

18:23

winter at least I can havelike,

18:29

I can layer and adjust to my

18:29

temperature.

18:31

Yeah, and I love fall

18:31

because I love layers, and I

18:33

love all fall clothes, and I

18:33

just want to be in a sweater all

18:36

the time. And also boots.

18:38

And I love spring because

18:38

it's still real chilly, which

18:41

means I get to wear all of the

18:41

fun clothes that I get to in

18:45

fall, but everything is green

18:45

again. And it isI don't know, I

18:50

love the way spring smells

18:50

because all the leaves start

18:53

budding and as soon as the first

18:53

rain comes, it's just

18:56

spectacular. That'syeah, that's the

18:59

Rebirth!

19:00

Um, I don't actually

19:00

have anyI don't like summer

19:03

that much, because I tend to

19:03

faint a lot during summer. But,

19:08

um, if I don't get like, light,

19:08

I just don't wake up ever, and

19:13

then it's 5PM and I'm like,

19:13

still kind of a zombie. And I

19:18

will grantI will grantI

19:18

complain a lot about summer,

19:21

because againI faint a lot. But

19:21

um, I justit's nice out, and

19:25

you can likeas long as it's not

19:25

hideously hot and humid, you can

19:29

like, be outside, and like, see

19:29

people, and like, can you tell

19:34

I've been in quarantine for

19:34

eight months? You can sit on our

19:37

fire escape and shit.

19:38

Yes.

19:38

All of the things that you can't do in the middle of winter when there's a pandemic

19:40

on.

19:42

Yeah!

19:43

Perfect.

19:43

Okay, I have the next

19:43

one. And that is: your astrology

19:46

sign!

19:47

Oh, geez.

19:47

So I'm a Taurus.

19:48

Yeah. Which isthis one's

19:48

not ayeah, this is, I'm also

19:51

Taurus, and this isn'tlike, we

19:51

didn't pick these, we just are

19:54

these, but also we wanted to

19:54

make Fox talk about their

19:58

astrology sign. 'Cause they're a

19:58

mess.

20:00

Let's save that for last

20:00

because that's gonna

20:03

Yeah.

20:04

that's a good way to end.

20:05

Yeah.

20:05

Okay. Yeah, um, Iris

20:05

and I are both Taurus, and I

20:09

think we're both stubborn enough

20:09

to make that happen.

20:11

Mm-hmm. Um, unmovable. Very very loyal,

20:12

kind of aggressive, you know.

20:18

Yeah, I would vibe with all of that.

20:20

Yeah, right?

20:21

Whereas I am the goddamn

20:21

stereotype of a Libra and

20:25

Very much.

20:25

weigh everything against

20:25

everything else. And... yeah,

20:30

decision making can be hard

20:30

sometimes because it's just

20:34

like, 'Hmm, but this thing and

20:34

that thing, and what are the

20:37

pros and what are the cons...'

20:37

anyway, you get the idea.

20:42

And Fox...

20:43

Yes, tell us.

20:44

So I'm a Pisces. Um,

20:44

and the reason this is funny, is

20:51

because it has been a consistent

20:51

fact of my life that I am the

20:56

worst Pisces to ever draw a

20:56

fishy little breath.

21:02

I didn't believe in

21:02

astrology before, but you are

21:05

the reason I don't believe in it now.

21:07

Yeah. Um, and

21:07

specifically, relevantly, I'm

21:10

sure we'll get into this later,

21:10

Imy parents were in a cult when

21:13

I was born. Um, so I had a lot

21:13

of people who were trying real,

21:17

real hard to find a reason in my

21:17

astrological chart that I'm, you

21:21

know, loud and stubborn and

21:21

brash and pessimistic and

21:27

practical. And they tried so

21:27

hard and it's justit's not

21:32

You broke it!

21:34

it's just describing

21:34

a very different person. It

21:37

describes like a cohesive

21:37

individual who's like, you know,

21:41

easygoing, level-headed,

21:41

emotionally in tune with

21:45

themself and the people around

21:45

them. And I'm out here just

21:48

being like, 'I feel two

21:48

emotions, they are anger and

21:51

joy, and I'll physically combust

21:51

if I even approach any of the

21:53

others.'

21:56

Yeah, it's just a endless,

21:56

endless source of amusement for

22:01

all of us.

22:02

Occasionally, I make

22:02

people guess because like, it's

22:05

ait's a question that people

22:05

will just ask you after they've

22:07

known you for like, an hour and a half

22:09

Especially in the queer

22:09

community, we love astrology.

22:12

Yeah, I'm never gonna

22:12

get it. Um, and people will

22:15

just

22:15

It's fun.

22:16

ask me this after an

22:16

hour and a half or two hours,

22:19

and they'll be like, 'What's

22:19

your star sign?' And I'll be

22:21

like, 'You tell me what you

22:21

think my star sign is. Let's

22:24

play a game. Let's play a game

22:24

called how wrong you gonna be.'

22:28

The one I get most often is Aries.

22:30

Yeah, that makes sense.

22:31

Yes.

22:32

More accurate.

22:32

The one you should have been.

22:34

Yeah.

22:35

Yeah. I'm not even on

22:35

the cusp of anything. Straight

22:37

in the middle of Pisces. My

22:37

whole chart is like, Pisces and

22:41

Libra all the way down.

22:42

Yeah, I'm the cusp of

22:42

Taurus and Aries. But I am a

22:45

Taurus, 100%.

22:47

Yeah, my chart makes a lot

22:47

of sense, actually.

22:50

Yeah, same.

22:51

Libra all the way.

22:53

Mine wicked does not,

22:53

but I'm happy for all of you.

22:55

I'm like, 10 out of

22:55

11 all Taurus. Okay, there was a

22:58

Scorpio. There's one Scorpio.

23:02

Um, do we want to move on

23:02

to what Disney royalty are you?

23:06

Sure!

23:06

Kida from Atlantis,

23:06

because she's a badass and

23:11

Atlantean civilization is

23:11

spectacular. And I have always

23:14

wanted to live in that world.

23:16

You're so valid.

23:17

Yeah, super into

23:17

that. I would super want to be

23:19

Jasmine. She like, literally

23:19

cannot be held down in any way

23:22

at all. And just like, is very

23:22

much her own person the whole

23:26

time and just gets into trouble.

23:26

And I love that.

23:31

Yeah that's the vibe.

23:32

Yeah, right?

23:33

Um, I am 100% definitely

23:33

Aurora. I am Sleeping Beauty

23:39

100%. Ijust because of the fact

23:39

that I am a vampire. I love to

23:46

sleep because I have a chronic

23:46

fatigue disorder! So it fits.

23:50

And the princess's princess.

23:51

I am.

23:52

Yeah. And I don't

23:52

know, I guess I would go with

23:56

Belle? That feel good?

23:58

Yeah.

23:58

Yeah.

23:59

Yeah

24:00

If Iif I could

24:00

physically live inside of a

24:02

library, I would, and I would

24:02

never leave, and you'd never see

24:05

me again! But I'd be okay!

24:06

You'd literally plop a bed

24:06

down in the middle of the

24:10

library. And then that would just be

24:12

100%.

24:12

where you lived for the

24:12

rest of time.

24:14

There's

24:14

Whereand also, like castles... that castle's perfect

24:16

There's couches!

24:17

because it's like, a

24:17

library and a rose garden.

24:19

Yeah.

24:19

Yeah!

24:19

And you love both of those things.

24:21

I do love both of those things!

24:22

Yeah.

24:23

I love both of those

24:23

things a lot. Also, because

24:25

Belle is the closest Disney

24:25

Princess to being Janet from Tam

24:28

Lin. That's actually my legit

24:28

answer.

24:31

Also Fox, I just want to

24:31

take this back a stepyou say

24:34

you'd sleep on a couch, but you

24:34

would not last on a couch.

24:37

Please be real with us.

24:38

Yeah you wouldn't.

24:38

Okay, listen. You

24:38

dislocate your pelvis one time.

24:42

One time!?

24:43

Dislocate your pelvis

24:43

one time and everybody holds it

24:46

against you forever.

24:47

The only other person I

24:47

will say is specifically from

24:51

thethe one thing I always think

24:51

of is Prince Charming, but

24:56

specifically from the third

24:56

Cinderella where he jumps out

24:59

the window. That's you.

25:03

That is also Fox.

25:05

That's also the vibe!

25:05

Sage, do you want to ask the

25:07

next one?

25:07

Sure. So what meme is

25:07

everyone?

25:12

I'm the 'It's Fine'

25:12

dog in a room full of fire.

25:15

Yeah you are.

25:16

The first comic or the

25:16

second comic?

25:18

The first comic.

25:20

Okay, great. Thank you for your answer.

25:21

This is fine.

25:22

I don't know about me, but

25:22

Sun is 100% 'I'm gonna get a

25:25

Subaru!'

25:27

Yeah!

25:27

I am!

25:29

Don't even let her get it out.

25:31

No!

25:31

Just pull that on her.

25:33

It's fine, I forgot anyway, so I was gonna be like, 'I don't know!' I do also like

25:35

the guy with the butterfly. The

25:40

one that's like

25:41

Yeah!

25:41

'Is this this? Or is

25:41

it this?'

25:44

The modern version of

25:44

'This is not a pipe.' Yeah.

25:46

Yeah.

25:47

I also really like theI

25:47

think for me maybe the the John

25:50

Mulaney 'Yes' and 'No' one?

25:53

Yeah.

25:54

I like that.

25:54

Yeah. That's a good one too.

25:56

And the most of the memes

25:58

What do you have?

25:59

I know are Vines, soyes,

25:59

I am the 'What do you have? A

26:02

knife!'

26:03

No!

26:04

Because, yeah, I get

26:04

enthusiastic about sharp

26:09

objects, I guess!

26:10

The arbiter of our

26:10

nice kitchen knives, honestly.

26:13

It's true. They got sharpened yesterday.

26:16

Yeah. Does anybody have a

26:16

better one for me? I'm bad at

26:18

memes.

26:19

Um... specifically

26:21

Oh no, you're gonna destroy me.

26:22

You gonna say something mean?

26:23

I can see the look on

26:23

Fox's face, and they're going to

26:26

destroy me. Hit me.

26:28

You know

26:28

Not a visual medium.

26:29

you know the meme

26:29

that's like, one Kermit facing

26:32

another Kermit, but the

26:32

Kermitthe other Kermit's in a

26:34

cloak? And it's like, your

26:34

likereasonable brain and your

26:39

Id having a conversation? That

26:39

one.

26:41

That's me.

26:42

Yeah, that is.

26:42

That's fair.

26:43

Yeah.

26:43

That seems legitimate.

26:44

Nailed it.

26:45

About any topic. Ever.

26:49

Alright, Fox, our DM, do

26:49

you want to introduce the next

26:54

one?

26:54

I do. What D&D class

26:54

would you be?

26:57

Dungeons and Dragons for

26:57

those people who are not

27:00

tabletop RPG players.

27:02

Yes.

27:02

I have so many thoughts on this.

27:05

Oh, tell us your thoughts.

27:06

Okay. Okay. So if we're

27:06

talking like, 3.5, weird DND

27:10

classes, I'd be a Beguiler. They

27:10

do

27:13

Alright.

27:13

exclusively illusion

27:13

magic, and like, deception and

27:17

persuasion. And I've always

27:17

played charisma characters, and

27:20

I find them the most fun so that

27:20

one if I was doing 3.5. If I'm

27:24

doing like, modern 5e,

27:24

probably...

27:27

Like, a class someone

27:27

would know, babe.

27:29

Like, Warlock? Because it's

27:29

like, magic by way of sugar

27:33

baby. Yeah, like you get magic by

27:34

being like, charming and putting

27:37

your eyelash.

27:38

People who don't know

27:38

things about D&D are gonna be so

27:41

confused right now.

27:42

It's better with no context.

27:44

Let me assure you

27:44

that's 100% accurate. Except

27:48

then your sugar daddy asks you

27:48

to help end the world.

27:50

Straight from the DM's mouth.

27:52

That's Warlock.

27:53

That's Warlock.

27:53

Would I be a Bard?

27:53

Cuz I'm like, literally always

27:55

singing or humming?

27:56

Maybe yeah?

27:57

Yeah! I think that'd

27:57

be a good one, yeah.

27:59

Usually Jingle Bells.

28:00

Usually Jingle Bells.

28:01

Also like, you wereyou do a lot with social media and stuff, and Bards are

28:03

like, very... also very that,

28:07

like persuasion, like,

28:07

negotiation diplomacy kind of

28:11

class.

28:11

That's fair. Am I persuasive?

28:12

Yes.

28:12

Yeah.

28:12

Okay, good to know!

28:13

Have you seen our follower count?

28:13

I would consider you one of the more persuasive people in this apartment, yeah.

28:17

You know, I never thought about it for myself, but okay, I'm into it!

28:20

I'm not a high

28:20

charisma character, let's put it

28:22

that way.

28:23

I'mI'm a high charisma character. That's me.

28:25

Yeah. Yes, hello.

28:25

That is I.

28:27

And I'm a Paladin, because

28:27

I am terrible liar with an

28:31

inconvenient moral compass and

28:31

really that's it.

28:34

You're just very upright.

28:36

You're very soft.

28:37

I tried towe

28:37

playedlisteners, we played BS

28:41

last night and I don't think I

28:41

succeeded in a single lie. The

28:45

card game BS?

28:47

You didn't, but it was

28:47

so cute! Um, and as for me, I...

28:54

DM. I haven't played a Dungeons

28:54

and Dragon in many a moon.

28:59

Yeah, but what are you, as

28:59

a person? Not what character do

29:02

you play, what are you?

29:04

They're a DM, come on!

29:04

That'sthat is their class.

29:07

God. I have no idea

29:07

what D&D class I would be.

29:09

Barbarian.

29:10

Yeah, actually, no. That's

29:10

it.

29:13

I would like to rage.

29:15

Had that on lock.

29:16

I would like to rage.

29:19

I don't know why we took

29:19

so long on that one guys, wewe

29:21

should have had that one cold!

29:23

Wait.

29:23

I was just waiting.

29:24

They could also be a

29:24

monk though.

29:27

I could also be a monk though.

29:28

Because they miss the

29:28

first punch, and then they hit

29:30

you twice as hard twice.

29:33

Two for flinching.

29:34

I don't think I've

29:34

ever missed a punch in a fight.

29:37

That's fair.

29:38

Also they're not dexterous

29:38

enough to be a monk.

29:40

Oh yeah true.

29:42

I'm notI'm clumsy.

29:42

But yeah, no, I would like to

29:45

rage.

29:47

And right before

29:47

this, we all prepped a question

29:49

that none of us know we're

29:49

asking. A fun, secret question.

29:52

We accidentally

29:52

brainstormed most of these

29:54

together, and then we realized

29:54

that it would be way more fun if

29:57

we did it apart. So

29:58

We did surprise

29:58

questions! Who wants to start

30:01

the surprise question round?

30:03

I can go for it.

30:04

Yeah!

30:05

What time of day would you

30:05

be?

30:07

Ooh.

30:07

Oh, hmm.

30:08

Night?

30:10

Okay, but what time of night?

30:12

Do you want like, an hour?

30:13

Yeah, givegive me a

30:13

five-minute window.

30:16

35 to... no, I'm

30:21

I... I really thought you

30:21

were gonna go with just straight

30:26

up 4AM from the Bastille song,

30:26

but.

30:28

Oh, that would be cute. I

30:28

love that song for us. But um

30:31

Yeah, same.

30:32

Uh, yeah, no, I am

30:32

actually that like, supe-rduper

30:36

late hours. I'm like, after

30:36

midnight. Definitely. Like, very

30:41

night.

30:41

Yeah.

30:42

I'm gonna go like,

30:42

8AM. I really like the morning.

30:46

The dichotomy!

30:47

Yeah, extremely

30:47

different. But like, the sun's

30:50

really bright, and it just

30:50

started, and especially like, in

30:52

the summer it's really great.

30:52

And also like, I usually read

30:55

before work for a couple of

30:55

hours, and like 8AM is like the

30:58

perfect time to like, quietly

30:58

read while you get your brain

31:00

going. I love that.

31:01

Yeah, you're you're a

31:01

morning person, and I'm

31:04

practically nocturnal.

31:05

Yep.

31:06

Yep.

31:08

Fox?

31:09

Oh, me. God. I have no

31:09

idea. Any time of the day when I

31:12

can be awake without suffering

31:12

consequences.

31:14

So like, noon and on?

31:16

Uh, yeah.

31:17

Likeprobably like, 10, 11AM on.

31:19

00AM

31:19

forward. Um, maybe like 11AM

31:23

forward because it takes me like

31:23

an hour to get functional.

31:25

Fair. Babe?

31:27

I would be... Let's see.

31:27

About 7AM in spring, like

31:32

daybreak in spring? So just when

31:32

the sky is starting to get a

31:36

little bit lighter, when it's

31:36

still that like, dark, early

31:39

blue and all the birds are

31:39

singing the trees, is me.

31:42

The precision.

31:43

I do want the

31:43

listeners to know because again,

31:46

not a visual medium. We all

31:46

looked at you like you were the

31:50

best thing in the world. Like

31:50

you were like, freshly baked

31:54

bread on a cold day. It was very sweet, all of us

31:58

were just like 'awww!'

32:02

The cutest.

32:03

Y'all are saps.

32:04

Yeah we are.

32:05

Yeah... who wants to

32:05

go next?

32:07

How about you?

32:08

Yeah, do it.

32:08

Me? Okay. I figured I

32:08

was gonna do like a desert

32:12

island question. So if you could

32:12

only watch one movie forever,

32:15

which one would you pick?

32:16

Labyrinth?

32:17

Yeah, okay. That's fair.

32:20

Movies are hard for me

32:20

because I like TV shows better.

32:23

What movie do I like enough to

32:23

watch it forever?

32:25

Just one movie? Not like a series?

32:27

No, one.

32:28

God damn. Oh, shoot. I

32:28

have no idea

32:32

You've broken me.

32:32

Well, what would yours

32:32

be while they churn steam out of

32:35

their ears?

32:35

I think A Knight's

32:35

Tale, the Heath Ledger movie? I

32:38

really like that movie. It's so

32:38

fun. It's a really good time. I

32:42

like the romance a lot. And the

32:42

music slaps, it's a good movie.

32:46

Also like Heath Ledger. Heath

32:46

Ledger was so hot. Ugh. Anyway,

32:50

I'm going to uh, look

32:50

through a list of the movies we

32:50

ridiculous. own real quick because I'm

32:53

drawing a complete fuckin'

32:56

blank.

32:57

Oh wow, like a hard blank.

32:59

Yep.

32:59

I don't watch movies on my own.

33:01

Yeah, Iris, would it

33:01

be easier to pick a TV series?

33:04

I mean, it would be Leverage. If you picked a short one that

33:05

wasn't likeno, like a short one

33:08

that's like, movie-length.

33:08

Something like, not

33:11

significantly longer than a long

33:11

movie.

33:16

Are you talking? You're just mouthing things!

33:18

I'm just trying to think

33:18

of literally anything, and

33:20

coming up completely blank. I'm

33:20

just like, 'What do I even

33:24

watch?' Like, I like a bunch of

33:24

like

33:26

Yuri On Ice?

33:27

Yeah, that's a good one. I

33:27

like Yuri On Ice. That's

33:31

thethat is a good one. That

33:31

would be mine. That's what I

33:33

would want to watch forever.

33:34

It's like 11 or 12

33:34

20-minute episodes? That's like,

33:37

Yuri On Ice is such a

33:37

good time.

33:37

four hours.

33:37

Yeah, you have to watch it

33:37

as like aas like a movie. Yeah,

33:39

that that would be it. Thank

33:39

you, thank you for helping

33:42

because I was floundering

33:45

We should rewatch it.

33:45

It's good, it's gay, it's

33:45

animated

33:48

It's ice skating.

33:49

it's ice skating.

33:50

Just got all the things

33:50

that you need.

33:52

Yeah.

33:52

Yeah! Sage, have you found a movie?

33:56

Maybe. I'veI've got a

33:56

couple of candidates, because on

33:59

one hand, anything by Miyazaki

33:59

is a candidate. And Princess

34:05

Mononoke is a perennial favorite

34:05

that I have loved ever since the

34:09

first time I saw it. But also,

34:09

ifif this was the only movie

34:14

that I could watch forever,

34:14

maybe Chef would make the cut,

34:17

just because I really like the

34:17

story of that. It'sfor anyone

34:21

who hasn't seen it, it's a story

34:21

about a father and son who open

34:24

and run a food truck together

34:24

and then go on the road back to

34:27

their hometown in LA to to bring

34:27

it back to where they live. And

34:33

it's just, it's happy and

34:33

hopeful and I think I could use

34:37

that if that was the only one

34:37

that I ever got to watch

34:39

forever.

34:40

That's super fair. Yeah that's good.

34:40

Oh you're thinking it all the way through.

34:42

I thought of one.

34:43

Ways to keep your

34:43

morale up on a desert island.

34:45

What do you got Iris?

34:46

Ocean's 8. Specifically

34:48

Oh yeah, thatyep.

34:49

You're so valid. I'm gay, there's a bunch of hot

34:50

women. I love crime. I mean,

34:55

like, it's justI love a heist

34:55

movie.

35:00

It's a heist movie. I

35:00

love a heist movie, and it's

35:01

Just break us, all at once. what I always wanted heist

35:04

movies to be when I was younger

35:06

It's what they never

35:06

gave us when we were young.

35:08

because it's just a bunch of

35:08

badass women. So, yeah, that

35:13

would be it.

35:14

Thank God there are more of those these days.

35:16

Yeah!

35:16

True.

35:17

Or, oh, The Old Guard.

35:17

Also The Old Guard is a

35:19

candidate. guards.

35:20

Oh my god. Yeah, I

35:20

might actually change my answer

35:22

to that.

35:24

Anyway, thosethose are movies.

35:25

Fury Road.

35:26

You said Labyrinth

35:26

with such conviction!

35:28

Labyrinth has been my

35:28

favorite movie since I was four.

35:31

So like, that's why.

35:33

question?

35:34

Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, what

35:34

fanfiction trope are you?

35:38

Uh, you know the trope

35:38

of, 'Person A is completely

35:41

oblivious to Person B', likenot

35:41

just hitting on them, but like,

35:46

assuming they're dating and

35:46

like, maybe have proposed, and

35:50

you sit there and you read the

35:50

fic. And you're like, 'Oh, this

35:52

is like, kind of charming, but

35:52

like, it's so far beyond the

35:55

realm of possibility?' That one.

35:55

I am Person A in this case. I'm

36:00

the oblivious one.

36:01

Similarly, Coworkers to

36:01

Friends to Lovers, because uh,

36:02

Yeah, itit us.

36:05

Sun that's, that's, us.

36:09

It happened.

36:09

Yup.

36:10

I don'tI'm not

36:10

actually that versed in fanfic.

36:14

It's just like romance

36:14

genre tropes as well.

36:16

Yeah, I would maybe

36:16

be the like, competing

36:19

businesses and then fall in love

36:19

trope?

36:22

Oh yeah, the like,

36:22

Rivals to Lovers trope? That's

36:25

on brand.

36:25

Yeah. Which like is

36:25

also Sage and I?

36:28

Little bit yeah. Specifically

36:29

A lot, a whole lot.

36:29

And like, I love a little competition that turns into somesome romance. I like

36:31

that.

36:34

Agreed. Agreed. Um, I

36:34

didn't actually, believe it or

36:37

not, think through this one. But

36:37

um

36:39

Pining!

36:40

Pining. Yeah, I'm pining.

36:40

I'm pining, specifically if you

36:44

want to get into like, niche

36:44

fanfiction tropes, I'd be like

36:46

the, um

36:49

The other half of my

36:49

fanfiction trope.

36:51

Yeah. Also, ifalso,

36:51

There's Only One Bed. We've done

36:56

that.

36:57

Oh, yeah, we've done that!

37:00

I guess we have to share!

37:02

For legitimate reasons.

37:04

But yeah, no, I am, I am

37:04

the pining half of Fox's idiocy.

37:10

I'm theyeah, I'm the

37:10

Idiots To Lovers trope, and

37:13

you're the Pining To Lovers

37:16

It's requited pining.

37:17

Sage and I are also

37:17

the Never On the Same Page at

37:21

the Same Time trope? We're also that one.

37:23

Yeah.

37:24

God, yeah.

37:25

Like take turns being

37:25

into each other? That's also us.

37:28

Yeah.

37:28

The Infinite near miss.

37:30

We tookwhat, two solid

37:30

years?

37:33

Mmmyeah, yeah. No,

37:33

like two and a half. Yeah.

37:36

That sounds like a long time.

37:38

Yeah. So like two and a half.

37:39

If we're casting ourselves

37:39

in fanfiction, AUs specifically

37:43

that I'd like to be a part of, I

37:43

would like to be a part of a

37:46

florist and tattoo shop. Hey,

37:46

yo, Like, one of the across the

37:49

street businesses, they fall in

37:49

love? Yeah, I think that one's

37:52

cute.

37:53

I call coffee shop slash

37:53

bakery AU. Cuz coffee. I need

37:58

it.

37:58

coffee shop, bakery, florist,

38:03

and tattoo parlor all on the

38:03

same block. And we all fall in

38:06

love.

38:07

Well, it's like, it's

38:07

a tattooist bar, and a coffee

38:10

shop with flowers.

38:12

Oh, I like it.

38:13

Yeah, that's the thing.

38:14

That's the thing.

38:15

Fox, which AU are you?

38:18

Oh, I already said I'm

38:18

the Idiots to Lovers one.

38:22

I mean, specifically if

38:22

you had to pick a place, a

38:24

setting

38:27

Anything that would

38:27

give me superpowers. If I get to

38:30

pick, I want superpowers.

38:31

That's so legit!

38:33

All of us with our lowly

38:33

retail stores, and you're out

38:38

here like, 'I want to fuckin fly!'

38:40

Y'all fools can do whatever you want, I want to read minds!

38:43

If we're making

38:43

whatever we want too, I also

38:45

kind of want to be likeI don't

38:45

know if this is actually a

38:48

fanfic AU, but I do like, want

38:48

to be cross country on a

38:51

motorcycle, and just like, meet

38:51

up with a person and like,

38:53

complete the journey together while falling in love

38:55

It's called a road trip AU.

38:57

Okay, well I want to be part of a road trip AU but only with motorcycles.

39:01

Okay, I like it.

39:02

I support this.

39:04

Alright Fox, what's your question?

39:05

Well, my original

39:05

question was going to be what

39:07

book character would you be, but

39:07

I'm so shocked that no one asked

39:11

what tarot card would you be

39:11

that I am going to go with that

39:14

instead.

39:16

That's very fair.

39:17

The fool. No explanation

39:17

needed.

39:20

Brutal!

39:23

I was waiting for the

39:23

opportunity for a truly truly

39:27

scorching self burn, and there

39:27

it is.

39:33

I have to say, I don't know if I've been doing Tarot to have like one on lock

39:34

for this. Like I have favorite

39:38

tarot cards, but I don't know

39:38

that I have one that's likeFox

39:40

with tarot card am I?

39:42

Could go with the sun, Sun!

39:43

You could do one I use

39:45

I could.

39:45

for you. Also.

39:47

What do you use for me?

39:47

I usually use the Star

39:47

for you. Or the Empress.

39:51

I like both of those.

39:51

I would take either of those.

39:53

If we're going Major

39:53

Arcana, I think I'd be the Moon,

39:57

and if we were going suits...

39:57

what's the one you associate

40:03

with me babe?

40:04

Wands.

40:05

Queen of wands? Yeah, the

40:05

one suit generally but Queen of

40:08

Wands specifically, maybe? Yeah,

40:08

that's probably my

40:10

Am I, am I Pentacles?

40:12

Cups.

40:12

You're cups.

40:13

Oh I'm cups? Who's Pentacles?

40:14

Sage is Pentacles.

40:15

Sage is of Pentacles? Okay. And Fox, predictably, is swords.

40:19

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I can't believe it took me so long to pull

40:20

Barbarian, by the way.

40:23

Yeah.

40:23

Wait hang on, I'm the the

40:23

'What do you have? A knife!'

40:25

meme, I have to have the sharp

40:25

objects!

40:28

No.

40:30

Pentacles can be

40:30

exchanged for goods services and

40:33

sharp objects.

40:36

Hey Fox, I'll buy some

40:36

swords off of you for five

40:39

Pentacles.

40:40

Yes, exactly. I would

40:40

be the Tower.

40:46

Yeah.

40:48

Yep.

40:49

Congrats, you're cursed.

40:50

No further debate needed.

40:52

Yeah. You've been pulling

40:52

that card since forever.

40:55

Since you were born.

40:56

Approximately.

40:56

Yeah, literally.

40:57

Approximately since birth.

40:59

How old were you the first

40:59

time you had a Tarot

41:02

Assigned Tower at birth.

41:03

Assigned Tower at

41:03

birth! I was eight months old

41:06

the first time someone read

41:06

Tarot for me, and they pulled

41:08

almost all Major Arcana

41:08

featuring the Tower as the self

41:12

card. And it's pretty much been

41:12

that way since.

41:16

But yeah, that's us. I

41:16

think that's all of the

41:18

questions, right?

41:19

Yeah!

41:19

Yeah. I think thisthis was fun.

41:21

This was fun.

41:21

I would do this again.

41:22

Right?

41:23

I complained a lot, but this was fun.

41:24

You complained so much in

41:24

advance and it wasso cute.

41:27

Yeah, and it was fun.

41:37

Hey, folks, its Fox

41:37

here, borrowing the episode for

41:39

our Patreon shout-outs and a

41:39

very special announcement. We

41:42

can't believe how fast launch

41:42

caught up with us, and it's so

41:44

amazing that we already have

41:44

patrons before we even dropped

41:46

our pilot! Shout out to Kathrin

41:46

Gabriel Jones, XTeen, Chayse,

41:50

and N. Jay, our very first

41:50

patrons. We love you folks so

41:54

much, your support means the

41:54

absolute world to us. If you're

41:56

interested in getting in on our

41:56

Patreon, you can find us under

41:59

And They Were Roommates, or as

41:59

ever, ATWR Podcast! Just $5 a

42:03

month gets you early access to

42:03

our episodes, a shout-out just

42:06

like this one, the chance to

42:06

jump the line on getting

42:08

questions answered, and my

42:08

personal favorite, our super

42:10

cool bonus content, like media

42:10

recommendations, storytime, and

42:13

fun facts! For $10 a month you

42:13

also get access to our behind

42:17

the scenes content and bloopers.

42:17

I promise, I cut so much of us

42:20

goofing off just to get these

42:20

episodes down to a listenable

42:22

length, and only our $10

42:22

listeners have any idea how true

42:25

that is. And if you really want

42:25

to go all the way, our patrons

42:28

who kick us 20 whole dollars a

42:28

monththat is so bonkers to me,

42:32

by the way, I still cannot

42:32

believe how incredible you folks

42:35

are will get periodic mystery

42:35

gifts in the mail! We're talking

42:38

pins, cards, stickers, anything

42:38

we wind up getting our little

42:40

hands on and thinking is cool

42:40

enough for you. Speaking of

42:44

gifts and stuff we think is

42:44

cool, I have one last thing to

42:46

tell you about! If you join our

42:46

Patreon before December 20th at

42:49

any level, you'll get a postcard

42:49

from us for the winter holidays!

42:52

The art was done by the same person who did our cover portraits, the amazing Tysorex,

42:54

go look her up on Instagram at

42:58

_tysorex. Her work is gorgeous,

42:58

and we adore her. Our postcards

43:04

are genuinely so charming, and

43:04

I'm really excited to share them

43:07

with you all. Again, anyone who

43:07

joins our Patreon before the

43:10

20th is going to get one, so if

43:10

you're thinking about it, now's

43:12

the time to do it! Come hang out

43:12

with us under ATWR Podcast, and

43:15

net yourself some extra content,

43:15

an adorable postcard, and our

43:18

eternal gratitude. And now, back

43:18

to the episode.

43:30

Normally this is where we would

43:30

do a listener question. But this

43:34

is our very first pilot episode,

43:34

do we wanted to give everyone a

43:36

sample of what our general

43:36

advice section is going to look

43:38

like instead@

43:39

And now we go and talk

43:39

about communication.

43:42

Yeah, everyone's gonna

43:42

be sick to tears hearing about

43:45

communication from us.

43:47

Yeah, this first

43:47

episode is really important to

43:49

talk about the most important

43:49

part of any relationship, but

43:52

especially a polyamorous one.

43:52

And that is definitely

43:55

communication.

43:56

Absolutely.

43:57

100%.

43:58

Yeah, I think part of

43:58

the reason we felt like we

44:00

should get it done right off the

44:00

bat, as it were, is

44:04

thatdefinitely the most

44:04

frequent question I field that

44:07

isn't weird and invasive about

44:07

polyamory is like, 'How do you

44:12

make a four-person relationship

44:12

work?' And I'm like, 'Well, you

44:15

just kind of have to talk to

44:15

each other incessantly.' Like

44:19

that's just sort of the deal.

44:20

About everything all the time.

44:22

And I'm sure you guys

44:22

also field that question.

44:25

Yeah. And I think

44:25

that's usually my first response

44:27

too is like, 'We just talk about

44:27

everything.' Like we talk about

44:31

stuff

44:31

We talk about everything

44:31

everyday all the time.

44:33

Yeah. And it's also

44:33

just like, we talk about little

44:36

problems before they're big

44:36

problems. And I think that's

44:39

like the big thing too of how we

44:39

make this work is like, we talk

44:41

about things before they're an

44:41

actual issue.

44:43

It just saves everyone

44:43

so much grief down the road if

44:46

you bring something up when it's

44:46

an issue of like, 'It would be

44:50

really great if you did the

44:50

dishes more' instead of it

44:52

burning all the way into like, a

44:52

huge explosion of.. you know,

44:57

'You don't care about me and you

44:57

don't pull weight, and like...

45:00

the way I can prove it is you

45:00

never do the dishes.'

45:02

Yeah. If you talk about

45:02

things before they become legal

45:08

points in an argument, as it were.

45:10

Yeah, yeah, I think one of

45:10

the biggest things is like,

45:14

intentional communication, and

45:14

setting aside time to

45:17

communicate with each other, you

45:17

have to be especially

45:20

intentional in a poly

45:20

relationship, because of the

45:23

fact that there are just so many

45:23

of us. Yeah, you're gonna, you

45:27

are gonna hear us talk about

45:27

communication and the different

45:29

ways to communicate throughout

45:29

this entire podcast, you're

45:32

gonna get sick of hearing the

45:32

word because, I think the thing

45:35

is that a lot of people will be

45:35

like, 'Hey, you should

45:38

communicate more about any

45:38

relationship!' But you need

45:42

actual strategies and ways in

45:42

which to do it. Because we're

45:46

not taught how to communicate

45:46

properly. We're not taught how

45:50

to give a proper apology. We're

45:50

not taught how to set proper

45:52

boundaries. We're not taught how

45:52

to confront somebody when

45:56

they've done something that has

45:56

harmed you, even if they didn't

45:58

mean to. So that's what we're

45:58

going to be trying to help flesh

46:03

out and provide over the course

46:03

of this podcast. But it all

46:07

comes back to that theme.

46:08

Yeah. Basically the

46:08

only two pieces of advice I give

46:10

people when they ask me for

46:10

relationship advice, which...

46:13

happens to all of us with a

46:13

weird degree of regularity. Um,

46:17

but the only two pieces of advice

46:18

Amazing how...

46:20

It's, it's almost like

46:20

people are like, 'Hey, you guys

46:22

seem to be doing okay at this.

46:22

And also, you didn't panic when

46:24

I asked you for advice. So you

46:24

must be good!'

46:27

And that's why we started a podcast.

46:29

That's why we started

46:29

a podcast. But genuinely, the

46:31

only two pieces of advice I

46:31

think I've ever really given

46:34

about a relationship are either

46:34

'It sounds like you should talk

46:37

about that' or, 'It sounds like

46:37

you should break up.' I don't

46:41

have any settings other than

46:41

those two things.

46:44

And we do have more

46:45

Those aren't the only two options!

46:46

no, we do have more

46:46

advice to provide than those two

46:49

explicit things, but.

46:51

I think for me, the big

46:51

talking points about

46:55

communication are being regular

46:55

and being intentional about it.

46:59

Regularity, just talking about

46:59

big stuff, talking about small

47:04

stuff, just making sure to make

47:04

space to catch up with however

47:08

many partners you have every

47:08

day, to see how their days went,

47:12

to see if there's anything that

47:12

they need. And also just making

47:16

sure toto really engage with

47:16

whatever conversation you're

47:20

having, being intentional about

47:20

it, making sure that you're

47:23

fully present for whatever

47:23

they're saying, and you're ready

47:25

to engage with that as needed.

47:28

Yeah. And I think it's

47:28

also important to admit thatone

47:32

of those things that people

47:32

don't generally teach you about

47:35

communication in any

47:35

relationship, but especially a

47:38

romantic one is that, um,

47:38

sometimes you will hear things

47:42

that you don't want to hear,

47:42

sometimes you will say things

47:45

that you know will upset the

47:45

other person. And that's part of

47:49

the deal. Like, obviously, you

47:49

shouldn't be going into a

47:52

conversation looking to upset

47:52

someone, but sometimes you do

47:55

need to say things like, 'Hey, x

47:55

thing about the way we operate

47:59

really doesn't work for me, here

47:59

are the reasons it doesn't work

48:03

for me, and I want to fix that.'

48:03

And that's hard to hear.

48:07

It's also hard to do. It's also hard to do! And we

48:08

come from this position of

48:12

likeif... especially a romantic

48:12

relationship isn't effortless,

48:15

you're doing it wrong. So people

48:15

will avoid talking about hard

48:20

things because they feel like

48:20

admitting that something is hard

48:23

means they've failed at having a

48:23

relationship. And that's just

48:26

structurally flawed in every

48:26

way.

48:30

It's also like, the

48:30

hardest conversations to have

48:33

and to like start and to deal

48:33

with are usually the ones that

48:36

are the most important to have.

48:36

Like, confrontation sucks. No

48:40

one likes confrontation. But

48:40

sometimes you have to be the one

48:43

to be like, 'This isn't working,

48:43

and we need to talk about it.'

48:46

And I think that goes back to

48:46

like what Sage was saying about

48:49

like regularity, it does make

48:49

confrontation easier if you have

48:53

a place to do it. So like, even

48:53

if that just means that you have

48:56

dinner every night so that like,

48:56

you both have a time youboth I

49:00

say, as you know, with several

49:00

peopleor what havewhatever

49:02

situation you have. If you have

49:02

a regular place that you come to

49:06

in a forum to talk over without

49:06

other distractions, it can be a

49:10

really good place to vent or to

49:10

talk about something that's

49:13

bothering you before it gets really bad.

49:15

Absolutely. I thinkit is

49:15

impossible to overstate the

49:20

amount that practice makes...

49:20

well not perfect, but better in

49:24

this case, just because the more

49:24

practice you have at talking

49:28

about hard topics and engaging

49:28

with people about what they

49:31

need, the easier it is for

49:31

everyone involved.

49:35

Social skills are a skill.

49:37

Yeah, you just got to

49:37

practice. There's nothere's no

49:41

way to get around it.

49:42

Yeah, absolutely. And I

49:42

think one of the things I just

49:45

wanted to throw out there is

49:45

that it's gonna look different

49:48

depending on the type of

49:48

relationship you have. If you

49:51

have a monogamous relationship,

49:51

if you have a polycule that's

49:55

structured differently than

49:55

ourswe have the luxury of we're

49:58

all nesting partners, we all

49:58

live together, so

50:02

When something's

50:02

wrong, we can throw like an

50:04

impromptu meeting about it and

50:04

just be like, 'Now we're gonna

50:07

have a conference at the kitchen table.'

50:10

Exactly. So like, you got

50:10

to figure out how communication

50:13

works for you and your, your

50:13

group, your person, whatever it

50:16

is. But for us, there are two

50:16

things that I think really are

50:21

like, central to our

50:21

communication style. One is the

50:24

kitchen table. Sun mentioned

50:24

that meals are a great way to

50:30

talk to people. And sometimes we

50:30

like to take our meals on the

50:33

couch and watch something. But

50:33

we really take conscious time

50:36

and effort to at least shoot for

50:36

every other night being a sit

50:40

down meal where we all sit

50:40

across from each other and talk

50:44

to each other, even if it's just

50:44

about meaningless stuff. And one

50:48

of the things that we've seen as

50:48

a constant theme in our

50:50

relationship is, we've had two

50:50

times where we did not have

50:54

kitchen chairs. Once after we

50:54

moved into our original house we

51:01

were sharing in Western Mass.,

51:01

and once when we moved down here

51:04

to Brooklyn, we had gotten

51:04

really shitty chairs that were

51:08

like $30 for a whole set back

51:08

in

51:11

They straight up broke!

51:13

and they broke.

51:13

What was the onethe name

51:13

that we had for the one that

51:16

kept collapsing on us? There's

51:16

like the death chair?

51:19

Oh, it was theit was the

51:19

guest chair, because we didn't

51:23

ever have guests, but we suggest

51:25

Is that what we settled

51:25

on!? We were cruel!

51:30

I do want to say,

51:30

sometimes you buy a $30 set of

51:34

chairs, because that's what you

51:34

need to have chairs at your

51:37

table. So you go to a antique

51:37

shop and you buy cheap chairs.

51:41

100%!

51:42

And you get two years

51:42

out of them, and you did okay.

51:45

Yeah, well, that was the thing

51:46

You did great.

51:47

that's what we needed at

51:47

the time, was because we weren't

51:49

talking, and we didn't realize

51:49

that at the time. But like, we

51:52

didn't have a center gathering

51:52

place. So that was a really big

51:56

thing early on in our

51:56

relationship, finally getting

51:58

those chairs, thank you Sun and

51:58

Fox for running to the antique

52:01

shop and getting us $30 chairs.

52:03

Got to do what you got to do.

52:04

But then when we moved to

52:04

New York, yeah, half of them

52:08

werelike, more than halfthey

52:08

were they were falling apart at

52:10

that point!

52:10

They were broken.

52:11

Yeah, they were really broken.

52:12

They didn't survive

52:12

the trip in any meaningful way.

52:15

It is a miracle that none

52:15

of us collapsed to the floor on

52:18

them at the end, honestly. It's

52:18

no fault of anyone that got

52:21

them, but they they had their

52:21

time.

52:24

They were out for blood.

52:25

They were.

52:25

They were, yeah.

52:26

Yeah. But so, when we

52:26

moved, we got rid of them, and

52:29

then we didn't have chairs for a

52:29

while, and we were like, 'Wow,

52:32

we're all like, a little tense.

52:32

I mean, yeah, like, we just

52:35

moved and that's stressful, and

52:35

there's a lot going on...' But

52:39

the second we got kitchen chairs

52:39

again, it was like, h, we can

52:42

communicate again, because we

52:42

have that center space that we

52:45

always come back to, to sit and

52:45

talk to each other.' So that's a

52:48

big one.

52:48

It was kind of funny,

52:48

because it was like, instantly

52:50

we were like, two days later, we

52:50

were like, 'Oh, we really need

52:52

to talk about our finances and like, get it together, because that's like a really big form of

52:54

stress. And like, yeah, one of

52:57

us is unemployed, but like,

52:57

we're working on it, and we got

52:59

this, and we have some leads,

52:59

and we're working on it and

53:02

like

53:02

And we got some

53:02

spreadsheets to calculate our

53:04

finances.

53:06

Adulthood.

53:06

Yeah. And it was

53:06

like, instantly, we like,

53:09

figured it out, got it together,

53:09

and were fine.

53:12

Yeah. And then the other

53:12

big one that I wanted to bring

53:14

up that I'm sure we're all going

53:14

to talk a lot about is family

53:17

meetings. It's something that we

53:17

do as a group that has worked

53:21

really well for us. And we have

53:21

a particular structure that we

53:23

think works really well.

53:25

Excellent segue,

53:26

Queen of segues.

53:27

I think the thing

53:27

about family meetings is that

53:30

they're hard to get started. But

53:30

once you do get started, they

53:34

take a lot of pressure off of

53:34

every other interaction. Because

53:39

the way we tend to structure

53:39

family meetings is that it's an

53:42

opportunity for everyone to

53:42

like, sit down and like, bring

53:46

something that's stressing them

53:46

out to the table. And sometimes

53:49

it's something about what's

53:49

happening inside the group, like

53:52

x interaction, or like, y trend

53:52

is a problem, that likeand

53:57

here's how it's like, causing me

53:57

stress or frustration. And

54:01

sometimes it's just being like,

54:01

I was in hospital for pneumonia,

54:04

that kind of sucked. And I haven't really done anything since then. Just as a crazy

54:06

random example.

54:10

Just saying it again, for

54:10

the record, practice and

54:13

repetition make all of this so

54:13

much easier. Yes, the first

54:17

couple of times were a little

54:17

bit rough of getting some things

54:21

on the tableliterally out on

54:21

the tablethat we hadn't talked

54:26

about for a long time and

54:26

probably should have. That was,

54:30

you know, we had some like

54:30

two-hour family meetings where

54:33

we were just really trying to

54:33

unpack all of the stuff we'd

54:38

been holding on to and now, you

54:38

know, we can start we can just

54:43

have a family meeting, even if

54:43

we didn't have one on the

54:46

schedule, just launch into it

54:46

and cover all of the stuff that

54:51

people want to cover. And it's

54:51

not a big deal.

54:53

100%

54:53

Yeah, and we did used

54:53

to have to schedule them as a

54:56

way to like, decrease everyone's

54:56

anxiety about it, because it's

54:59

really hard to start, it's

54:59

really hard to start doing them

55:03

because like, A, the experience

55:03

of being like, 'Oh, I'm gonna go

55:06

sit down with a bunch of people

55:06

who might have things that they

55:09

are upset with me about, that's

55:09

scary.' On the other hand being

55:12

like, 'Ooh, I'm gonna go admit

55:12

to the people I care about that

55:15

I have a problem,' and like,

55:15

trust that they're not going to,

55:18

you know, bail or yell at me or

55:18

like, whatever your particular

55:21

anxiety is, that's also really

55:21

hard, and having it like, on the

55:25

schedule, so everyone had like

55:25

some prep time, and you could

55:28

like, sit and figure out what

55:28

you were going to say and like,

55:31

emotionally center yourself, for

55:31

it was very necessary for those

55:36

first couple of months.

55:37

Also, we need to

55:37

backtrack a little bit. So the

55:39

structure of family meetings.

55:39

Here's how we run ourshere's

55:44

how we run ours, we think this

55:44

could be helpful for you. We did

55:49

a lot of playing around at first

55:49

to try to figure out how it best

55:52

worked out. We do a voluntary

55:52

'who wants to start?' and that's

55:56

incredibly important, because

55:56

you don't want to force somebody

55:59

to start a family meeting,

55:59

either. You want it to be a

56:01

voluntary action that they are

56:01

starting and sharing with you.

56:05

And the firstwe take turns

56:05

around the table, usually in

56:08

order, not always. And everyone

56:08

says something that's bothering

56:11

them or something bad that's

56:11

happening in their life,

56:13

something they're stressed about, something that's happened

56:15

A challenge.

56:16

A challenge. Thank you. I was like, what, what are these words that are coming up?

56:20

You got there.

56:20

And we don'twe do

56:20

add some like, reactions to it,

56:24

or maybe like, some advice from

56:24

each other, or like work on it

56:27

together. But not really, we try

56:27

to like get it kind of all out

56:30

on the table at first. And then,

56:30

then we kind of deal with it all

56:33

together in like, a pile. And we

56:33

like wade through it, and we

56:36

work on it together. And then to

56:36

finish our meeting, when we feel

56:40

like we have come to like a good

56:40

point with everybody and

56:42

everyone's feeling pretty good,

56:42

we do a round a positivity, of

56:46

things that we're thankful for,

56:46

or happy that are going well, or

56:50

just like something good that

56:50

happened to them that day, just

56:52

to make sure that like when we

56:52

leave the table, it isn't left

56:54

like angry, or upset, or like

56:54

emotionally broken down or

56:58

anything bad. And then we can go

56:58

on with the rest of our night.

57:01

The two bits of that that

57:01

are super important for me are

57:04

just being able to talk and no

57:04

one else engaged with it until

57:09

you're ready just so you can

57:09

really clarify everything you're

57:12

thinking and feeling and not

57:12

feel like someone is trying to

57:16

minimize it or fix it. Engage

57:16

with it until it's really all

57:21

out there on the table. Yeah,

57:21

that's a fox. Yeah, just feeling

57:24

like it's actually all out. But

57:24

also just going around with the

57:29

good stuff afterward is super

57:29

important. Because you can't

57:32

just it's not good to just have

57:32

a communications session for

57:37

lack of a better word. That is

57:37

just all out negativity, because

57:41

then you never want to do it

57:41

again. Yeah, it just drags

57:45

everyone down. And it's great to

57:45

have aftercare for lack of a

57:50

better Yeah,

57:51

yeah.

57:54

And for a place to feel

57:54

good about your relationship and

57:56

about the hard work you're

57:56

doing. Because communicating

57:59

with each other. Like that is

57:59

really, really hard. And it

58:03

feels really unnatural,

58:03

especially at first, because

58:05

we're not taught to do that

58:05

we're not taught to confront

58:08

each other about the hard things

58:08

that we're going through, we're

58:11

not taught to like, be that

58:11

vulnerable, and to really put it

58:15

all on the table. So it really

58:15

is so important afterwards to

58:20

come together and just like be

58:20

positive and talk about how much

58:25

good things are in our lives as

58:25

well. And especially like me, as

58:29

somebody, I have always had a

58:29

lot of stress, a lot of anxiety,

58:32

a lot of depression, it really

58:32

is a very positive way to end

58:38

the meeting. And also, it's just

58:38

a positive thing for me in my

58:40

day to day life is to like

58:40

Remember to, like have those

58:44

moments of acknowledging the

58:44

positives, not just focusing on

58:48

the negatives.

58:49

Yeah, I likewise have

58:49

always really struggled with

58:51

depression, it runs pretty

58:51

heavily in my family. And like,

58:55

one of the things my mom always

58:55

taught me as a kid was like,

58:57

even if you're like, positive

58:57

thing for the day was like, I

59:01

saw a rabbit. It was pretty

59:01

cute. That's cool. That's fine.

59:05

That's a positive thing. And

59:05

like this family meeting

59:08

structure is is basically that

59:08

sized up to an adult, and I do

59:13

recommend it. Yeah,

59:15

I also want to say something that's really important to family meetings is

59:16

if you are doing the room

59:19

regularly, especially when you

59:19

first start, keep them, don't

59:22

just cancel them. Especially

59:22

like if you're talking between

59:25

you and your partner or

59:25

partners. And you have like, I

59:29

don't have anything bad that I

59:29

feel like I need to talk about

59:31

right now and like near me, so I

59:31

just don't want to do it this

59:33

time. Like I just don't want to do it this week and everything. don't cancel. Don't give into

59:35

that instinct. Yeah, don't get

59:38

into that instinct. Just let it

59:38

happen. And even if you have

59:41

nothing to say that might have

59:41

been the opportunity that your

59:43

partner was waiting for, to tell

59:43

you something that's really

59:45

important. I actually haven't

59:45

named this on the podcast. Yeah.

59:49

I have PTSD and some trauma. And

59:49

sometimes it takes a lot to like

59:54

really talk about some of the

59:54

stuff that's going on if it's

59:57

like night terrors or whatever's

59:57

happening that day. I wouldn't

1:00:01

have talked about it. But we had

1:00:01

a family meeting. And I was

1:00:03

like, You know what, this has

1:00:03

actually been really bothering

1:00:06

me and distracting me from our

1:00:06

relationship and from my life.

1:00:08

And like, I, I would like you

1:00:08

guys to know that and like, I

1:00:11

don't need anything from you,

1:00:11

because I have my therapist

1:00:13

who's gonna, you know, give me

1:00:13

some support on this whole

1:00:16

thing. But like, I need you to

1:00:16

know. That's it. That's where my

1:00:19

mind is that this week, and I

1:00:19

just need you to know that. And

1:00:22

sometimes that's all you need.

1:00:22

Absolutely. Yeah,

1:00:25

yeah,

1:00:25

I and I think that is a

1:00:25

really, really important thing

1:00:28

to talk about is that, once

1:00:28

they're on the calendar, keep

1:00:32

them on the calendar. Because

1:00:32

even sometimes we have family

1:00:34

meetings. And I'm like, Oh, I don't know if I really have anything to talk about. And I

1:00:36

start talking. And like, it is

1:00:41

just a really good space to just

1:00:41

like, take a step back, look at

1:00:45

the big picture and be like,

1:00:45

okay, what's really bothering me

1:00:47

right now, even if and a lot of

1:00:47

times, it really isn't about the

1:00:51

relationship, but sometimes it

1:00:51

is. And both are really

1:00:53

important and really good to

1:00:53

just like, have a space to talk

1:00:56

about how you're doing, how

1:00:56

you're feeling, and how you're

1:00:58

operating as a relationship.

1:01:00

But yeah, and I do want to I want to mark, somebody you said to like, it doesn't

1:01:02

always have to be about your relationship. No, like family

1:01:04

meetings aren't always about

1:01:07

your relationship as a whole or

1:01:07

something going wrong in your

1:01:09

relationship or with your

1:01:09

partner. Like, sometimes it's

1:01:11

about you. Yeah, like, sometimes

1:01:11

you're struggling with something

1:01:14

personally, and they can or

1:01:14

cannot help, but you just need

1:01:17

them to know. Yeah,

1:01:18

I'd venture to say that

1:01:18

it's it's frequently not about

1:01:21

the relationship itself. You

1:01:21

know, that's true. Yeah. Hey,

1:01:25

guys,

1:01:25

my job sucks. And I need

1:01:25

to get out. How do we manage

1:01:28

that? Or can we? Yeah, like, Yeah.

1:01:31

Can we financially

1:01:31

support you quitting your job?

1:01:33

Because it's incredibly toxic?

1:01:33

Yeah.

1:01:35

Yeah. Or like, or,

1:01:35

like, you know, I, I had to

1:01:38

leave my job because it was

1:01:38

doing some pretty extensive harm

1:01:42

to me, on a physical level.

1:01:42

Also, I worked with a bunch of

1:01:45

trans folks. But on a physical

1:01:45

level, I dislocated a bunch of

1:01:48

joints. And like, you know, that

1:01:48

was like a show up to a family

1:01:52

meeting and be like, I, I'm in

1:01:52

so much pain all the time

1:01:55

because of this job. Like, I

1:01:55

don't have to quit it would not

1:01:59

kill me to stay. But like, I

1:01:59

need to know if we can handle me

1:02:03

leaving. And like, that's,

1:02:03

that's the other thing that

1:02:05

family meetings are good for, is

1:02:05

it's an opportunity for you to

1:02:08

be able to be like, yeah, okay,

1:02:08

here's the thing that's

1:02:10

stressing me out. It's not your

1:02:10

guys's fault, but it is going to

1:02:13

impact you guys pretty

1:02:13

impressively, when I like, leave

1:02:16

my job or whatever.

1:02:17

I think at the end of the

1:02:17

day, one of the biggest things

1:02:20

is that like, we really

1:02:20

subscribe to the belief that

1:02:23

relationships are partnerships,

1:02:23

especially like long term

1:02:26

committed romantic relationships, their partnerships, and that means

1:02:28

that you bring all your shit to

1:02:32

the table, and you work on it

1:02:32

together and you do the work you

1:02:35

have to do alone, because there

1:02:35

is a lot of internal work that

1:02:39

you have to do on your own. But

1:02:39

it's a good space to like,

1:02:42

continuously come back to the

1:02:42

table and brief each other on

1:02:45

the work that you're doing separately, and the work that you're doing together. And

1:02:47

really just learn and grow

1:02:49

together.

1:02:50

The feeling of being in it

1:02:50

together in these family

1:02:53

meetings, and when we talk

1:02:53

generally is just what grounds

1:02:57

all of us, I think, and I know

1:02:57

that pretty much every family

1:03:00

meeting we have I come away from

1:03:00

it thinking, Man, this is really

1:03:04

great. I really love you guys.

1:03:04

And we're doing a great job.

1:03:08

Yeah,

1:03:08

that's the thing. Yes, it

1:03:08

should. I mean, like, it's, it's

1:03:11

hard. And especially the first

1:03:11

couple can be really rough

1:03:13

emotionally. It can be hard, but

1:03:13

like, I I like our family

1:03:17

meetings and like that's the

1:03:17

point you should get to

1:03:19

eventually is like you should

1:03:19

enjoy, it should be a good space

1:03:23

to come to even if you talk

1:03:23

about hard things.

1:03:25

Yeah, like it's, it

1:03:25

should be a supportive and good

1:03:28

place for you to be to be in

1:03:30

together, it should

1:03:30

feel like an opportunity to take

1:03:33

care of your partner. Yes. And

1:03:33

be taken care of in return.

1:03:37

And to come up with a better understanding of your partner and yourself is a really

1:03:39

beautiful thing of like, I

1:03:42

understand what they're going

1:03:42

through in a much more intimate

1:03:44

way. And that's, it's, it's,

1:03:44

it's amazing. It's really,

1:03:47

really amazing. Yeah,

1:03:48

favorite thing of our

1:03:48

relationship. Definitely.

1:03:51

That's your favorite thing of our relationship.

1:03:53

It's definitely up there.

1:03:53

No, I'm gonna walk it back. But

1:03:57

no, I really love the fact that

1:03:57

we intentionally communicate.

1:04:00

Yeah, I'll save that.

1:04:03

I think I really like

1:04:03

our family dinners, our family

1:04:05

dinners, our

1:04:06

family dinners. We do a

1:04:06

lot of home cooking and talking

1:04:09

to each other just casually as

1:04:09

well. And I love it. I love it.

1:04:13

I don't know if I call it

1:04:13

favorite. But I'd said I

1:04:15

definitely say most important. That's

1:04:17

fair. I don't know. It's

1:04:17

fair. I like other things about

1:04:19

a relationship better, probably.

1:04:19

But I think it's one of the most

1:04:22

important parts. Definitely.

1:04:24

Yeah, it's just, it's just

1:04:24

so different than any other

1:04:28

relationship that I've been in.

1:04:28

And it took me a while to

1:04:32

appreciate just how thoroughly

1:04:32

it changed the game for for all

1:04:36

of us and collectively as a unit

1:04:36

just because like I've had kind

1:04:41

of a mishmash of influences when

1:04:41

it comes to communication in my

1:04:45

life. And there's some things

1:04:45

that I do decently at and other

1:04:47

things that I really had a blind

1:04:47

spot to and it's all kind of

1:04:52

evened out after talking with

1:04:52

everyone regularly and I I feel

1:04:57

like all y'all have come out of

1:04:57

it. same word. Absolutely.

1:05:01

I mean, yeah, you are

1:05:01

not alone. And that's like

1:05:03

something that you should always

1:05:03

feel in a relationship is that

1:05:06

is that you are not alone in

1:05:06

this and you are not carrying

1:05:09

this weight alone. And that's

1:05:09

something that like, I think is

1:05:12

really important, just like in

1:05:12

any relationship, not just

1:05:16

romantic, or sexual

1:05:16

relationships. But yeah, you

1:05:19

should just feel your

1:05:19

relationships exist to support

1:05:23

you, and so that you can support

1:05:23

other people. And if you aren't

1:05:27

putting in the work, you don't

1:05:27

get that benefit, stir. And

1:05:30

communication is sort of the end

1:05:30

all be all of it.

1:05:34

And also if the other

1:05:34

person isn't putting in the work

1:05:37

to that also true.

1:05:38

Yep.

1:05:39

Yeah. And like, you should never feel like you had to fix something on your own.

1:05:41

Yeah, yeah. If it's not just you

1:05:44

in the relationship, you're not

1:05:44

on your own, or you shouldn't be

1:05:46

Yeah,

1:05:46

apparently Fox only gives

1:05:46

two pieces of relationship

1:05:49

advice. And that's the other

1:05:49

half is either talk or breakup.

1:05:54

Yes,

1:05:55

they should like you as

1:05:55

they don't break up, I

1:05:57

guess. It's the only

1:05:57

relationship advice. It's the

1:06:00

only relationship advice. It

1:06:02

really does kind of boil down to the

1:06:04

The answer is never

1:06:04

like go through your partner's

1:06:06

phone. The answer is never like,

1:06:06

you know, it's always just talk

1:06:11

about the thing with them, or

1:06:11

leave their ass. Yeah, I'm not

1:06:15

wrong. You're not. I would

1:06:15

classify this kind of

1:06:18

communication as every

1:06:18

relationship. Yeah. Anytime

1:06:22

someone is not actively toxic to

1:06:22

you, then you should be

1:06:25

operating on a certain level of

1:06:25

we're going to talk about

1:06:28

problems before they make me

1:06:28

want to kill you in your sleep.

1:06:31

True.

1:06:33

Yeah.

1:06:34

That was a beautiful wrap up. Do we have anything else?

1:06:39

kill you in your sleep? Is

1:06:39

that really?

1:06:43

I think the actual TLDR of

1:06:43

this conversation is

1:06:47

communication. Can't say it.

1:06:47

Okay. Communication is

1:06:50

important. A try to figure out a

1:06:50

regular communication method,

1:06:56

whether it's a family meeting,

1:06:56

or sitting down for dinner every

1:06:58

night or group chat or figure

1:06:58

out what works for you and do

1:07:02

it. Yeah,

1:07:02

yeah. And keep doing

1:07:02

it over and over.

1:07:06

Keep doing it is really

1:07:06

the important part forever. And

1:07:09

yeah, it's, that's, I think, if

1:07:09

there's one last contribution I

1:07:13

can make is there is no end

1:07:13

point here, like there, you're

1:07:17

never gonna fix everything.

1:07:18

You never level up

1:07:18

your relationship past needing

1:07:21

to work on it.

1:07:22

Yeah, you just have to

1:07:22

realize going into if you're

1:07:25

going to have a relationship of

1:07:25

any kind, this is how it's going

1:07:28

to be and it will get easier,

1:07:28

like your conversations will

1:07:32

probably get shorter as times Go

1:07:32

on, because you understand more

1:07:36

about that person. And you'll

1:07:36

have talked through all of the

1:07:39

really hairy and serious shit

1:07:39

that you have to get out of the

1:07:44

way early into any relationship

1:07:44

where you really don't know

1:07:46

someone, but you just have to

1:07:46

keep going. Because that's what

1:07:50

a relationship is. Yeah.

1:07:52

You're always growing.

1:07:52

You're always evolving together.

1:07:54

And that's the coolest thing ever.

1:07:56

Yeah. And that's an

1:07:56

important thing that people

1:07:58

don't tell you to is that people

1:07:58

are constantly changing entity.

1:08:02

So like these conversations are

1:08:02

never going to be less VAT like

1:08:04

less valuable as you go on and

1:08:04

everything like it's always

1:08:07

really important.

1:08:08

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

1:08:08

Yeah. Do we feel good about

1:08:11

that?

1:08:12

Yeah, that was really

1:08:12

good. I liked that.

1:08:14

It was good. It was

1:08:15

Yeah, this was good.

1:08:16

All right. Outro. All

1:08:16

right. That's us the crop Well,

1:08:19

first and foremost, a huge thank

1:08:19

you to Molly of geography for

1:08:22

the use of her song Cano hockey

1:08:22

bloom for music. I love her

1:08:25

music is amazing. And you should

1:08:25

absolutely go listen to it on

1:08:28

Spotify or anywhere else you

1:08:28

listen to music. You can find us

1:08:31

on Twitter or Instagram at at wr

1:08:31

underscore podcast, on Tumblr at

1:08:36

Quaple. Network, or even on

1:08:36

email at the Quaple

1:08:39

[email protected]. Tell us a

1:08:39

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1:08:43

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1:08:43

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1:08:47

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1:08:47

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1:08:51

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1:08:53

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