0:01

This episode of unqualified is brought

0:04

to you by McDonalds. Sure

0:07

you have food at home, but

0:09

you don't have a Big Mac at home. You

0:12

probably don't have fries or chocolate

0:14

shake there either. For

0:16

me. McDonalds is part comfort

0:18

food, part, reward, and

0:20

part family, tradition. It

0:22

all began when I didn't cry on my 4th

0:25

day of of And my mom took me

0:27

straight to McDonalds when I

0:29

got a B in math, after weeks of when

0:32

needed cheering up after range of on

0:34

decided to go steady with michelle leiden

0:36

or simply to calm my nerves on

0:38

the way to a movie premiere yes

0:41

ryan he could add add mac to the

0:43

side note keeping your fries into a chuckle

0:46

fate is very effective when it comes

0:48

to curious heartbreaks there

0:50

is some experience we've all had

0:52

thanks to mcdonalds

1:00

hey everyone my

1:02

guest cohost today is the wonderful

1:04

danny trejo who you know from

1:07

the settee bad ass heat

1:09

from dusk till dawn spy kids

1:11

and a ton of other thing the

1:13

any and i discuss his formative childhood

1:16

his relationship with his parents the adrenaline

1:18

rush of taking part in an armed

1:20

robbery how to survive prison

1:23

and how to make prison booze two

1:25

unrelated ideas early role models

1:28

early love the origin story

1:30

of trails tacos and a lot

1:32

more our first call today

1:34

is some megan's whose husband wants to

1:36

move their family to romania where

1:38

he remembers an idyllic childhood

1:41

while megan is open to the idea

1:43

see christians the practicality

1:45

of such big chains and whether

1:47

the timing is right our next

1:49

color emily went through a painful break

1:51

up and as a result also

1:54

last one of her closest friends her

1:56

ex boyfriends sister now

1:58

see questions as she is ready to rekindle

2:00

her friendship with someone who will be a constant

2:03

reminder of the relationship she still

2:05

moines an one danny

2:07

trejo v danny trejo cf

2:10

v one an trejo an

2:12

one trejo trejo trejo

2:14

mix danny an one trejo danny

2:16

an

2:19

ladies and gentlemen you are listening to

2:21

our class a d rose

2:24

on sec

2:36

i hear how

2:39

are you are blessed are you so

2:41

much hope you are do

2:42

i am so blessed thank you

2:45

and i think it's been years since i've seen

2:47

you do remember working on smiley face together

2:49

smiley be that was years ago years

2:51

ago who had at at at at delivery man there

2:53

we were in like the warehouse the

2:55

a oh my god that was

2:57

enemy going experience

3:00

how are a bit about your early

3:03

childhood you know we attempts

3:05

give advice for better february

3:07

and i bet you have lot of

3:09

wonderful advice to give

3:11

you know i wrote a book my life

3:13

of crime redemption and hollywood

3:16

and it's funny because i never

3:18

thought i was abused would

3:20

yet when , a dollar

3:22

lobe really wonderful wonderful

3:24

guide been friend of mine's

3:26

ninety ninety one one wrote

3:29

a book and i realized

3:31

that my whole childhood was abusive

3:33

and i didn't realize even a part did my

3:35

uncle drew me out weed when i was a

3:38

game heroin when i was i

3:40

don't you think there was abuse it's not

3:43

that was share israel does was shit

3:45

everywhere it didn't seem like abused

3:47

me my dad married

3:49

my mother really to take care

3:51

of me i be out of there was love that

3:54

as an open my family wasn't

3:56

one of lovey dovey the you

3:58

know that the a man my family

4:00

that's right and that's probably why you never

4:02

perceived yourself as victim and and

4:04

right now no way that identity

4:07

was the of for an idea to

4:09

you beautiful god you have a couch

4:11

outdoor lay out your doubts go

4:13

smoothly when you're so right

4:16

i'd never thought of myself as a victim

4:18

and it's funny it's like even go

4:20

into prison i'd say i'd sell

4:23

but i did there's only two kinds

4:25

of people in prison there's a predator

4:27

prey you decide every morning

4:29

what you're gonna be it's that simple you

4:32

know and only problem is that

4:34

you might decide you're going to be british

4:36

or but design in their cel

4:38

mai decide that you're going be pray

4:40

so when you say you excelled does that

4:42

mean like you figured out the

4:45

societal pattern

4:46

quickly absolutely it's kind

4:48

of like pm on a pile of

4:51

manure i , rather

4:53

be on the top than the bottom

4:55

and how you get there there

4:57

to prove that you will not

5:00

take the step backwards and

5:02

that you're gonna win whatever

5:04

situation you're in and

5:07

imprisoned it's like you don't argue

5:09

the bottom line to an argument is murder

5:12

so you don't argue

5:14

you'll see people see okay

5:17

are right and you'll see they're all

5:20

features stage and they

5:22

go off now v go off you

5:24

better get weapon only one that wins

5:26

argument is the one that's argument is

5:28

if you danny were you popular did

5:30

have lot friends is that part is excelling

5:33

in prison

5:34

well i was lightweight welterweight champion

5:36

of every institution i was embarrassing

5:39

so yes i had fan base

5:42

but you don't make friends

5:44

you have partners watch

5:46

your back came from prison

5:48

because if we're talking on

5:51

c and i got your back and i'm

5:53

look at a year your look in their that's

5:55

where the term came from got your back

5:57

because you'd never won or not

6:00

know what's going on behind you this

6:02

is a really naive question but when

6:04

you talk about an argument in prison

6:06

that about like a commodity

6:09

like cigarettes or of food

6:11

item or something i guess want to know the

6:13

content of what a prison fight would

6:15

be about

6:16

people better do when time

6:18

only have minimal contact

6:20

with the outside world maybe a wife

6:23

or daughter and that's it because

6:25

you're doing time you don't want time

6:27

to do you the people that time

6:30

is doing have all these letters

6:32

and oh my god what happened in oh really

6:34

and and it's like you have

6:36

to do time to your liking

6:39

if you got a whole lot of outside

6:41

stuff going on then

6:43

the time is do with you because that's

6:45

what you're thinking about what to think

6:48

about in prison is how you're

6:50

going to get drugs were you going get drugs what

6:52

you going to do are gonna make this money are

6:54

you gonna rub disguise really you have

6:56

to have some also that

6:59

keeps you going all design

7:01

you know me guy , tyrone

7:04

right tyrell dry was a mexican

7:06

kid kid grew up

7:08

in mess can neighborhood but his mom

7:11

was obsessed with tyrone

7:13

power so she neighbors and

7:15

tyrone know tyrone

7:17

is an african american me

7:19

and you had to be real careful

7:22

how you said you if

7:24

you set it to black easy

7:26

will talk about what he means i

7:28

called him tiger adding when a adding with you

7:31

now have a lot of kids

7:33

started going into prison in the sixties

7:35

it's because of acid marijuana

7:38

the all started going be so a to

7:40

of bomb prison is easy

7:42

if you grew up in the system if

7:44

you were in juvenile hall can't use

7:46

authorities and the prison you already

7:49

know people if you went

7:51

to prison when you were eighteen

7:53

nineteen years old without any pre

7:56

college educated you're in

7:58

trouble inside he was protected

8:00

the out here distortion either

8:02

way it would work for the individual and

8:04

there was a lotta rules to the protection

8:07

because people would think because i have

8:09

protected than i can do it though

8:12

no you have to walk a line yeah because that

8:14

gets killed it feels much more mafia

8:17

like did term protection

8:20

isn't fully accurate the

8:22

to projects means that you have

8:24

to mind us

8:26

instead of be a victim to them

8:28

like i said he gonna be predator or

8:30

break some of praise

8:32

decided wait a minute i need protection

8:35

the

8:35

fascinated by prison

8:37

ingenuity the idea

8:39

of when humans are really

8:41

forced to spend a lotta

8:43

time figuring out creative

8:45

idea like making grilled

8:48

cheese with iron or toilet wine

8:50

or whatever our

8:52

about prison innovation

8:54

i will tell you there's a lot of people that don't

8:56

know through know is that prison

8:58

booze and if you drag

9:00

bruno any time in your life your

9:03

now call okay now that's others

9:05

do it you're not supposed to tell anybody

9:07

thera alcoholics but i know

9:09

if you are willing to drink bruno your

9:11

damn i gotta go to a

9:13

hot humid just you know you make

9:15

it with a little bit yeast apples

9:18

oranges anything apples

9:20

are the best that it's like apple jacks

9:23

and it's not bad taste well

9:25

comparatively you

9:28

know ill do the job and

9:31

is just let it ferment in the side you know you

9:33

make of five six gallons at gallons time and

9:35

then when you bring it down

9:37

everybody drinks you know cause you gotta

9:39

get rid of it but that's what happened to me

9:41

cinco de mayo ninety sixty

9:43

eight we drank too much we use too

9:45

many drugs and ended up in know

9:48

oh really you guys were like overtly

9:50

waste and will all waste mess is the sequel

9:53

their my own these fits the maids

9:55

but if you're if real down thought

9:57

warrior mexican it means

9:59

get

10:00

the money because you're gonna need it

10:02

to rise above it is it go

10:04

to jail i write i

10:06

said the any will you tell us about

10:08

your mother mom was indentured

10:10

servants

10:12

me she did everything

10:14

she was supposed to the

10:16

thing she hated it and i

10:18

, say she hated me but she added

10:20

tolerate me i was dirt

10:23

kid i was nurse sudden and

10:25

i mean she realized that my dad married

10:27

or to take care of me and it's i

10:30

think she resented that fact you know

10:32

and my dad bless his heart

10:34

he was the appear to me

10:36

of the man searching for the american

10:38

dream a cadillac a camper

10:41

and house and think

10:43

the biggest problem that

10:45

i had was time

10:48

had parents more than

10:50

anything have to give

10:53

their kids time a

10:55

man that plane they just

10:57

need time and if

11:00

, don't find it at home

11:02

i had an uncle my uncle gilbert who

11:05

who work hard by the no smoking

11:07

weed but was always happy he

11:09

always had a role of money scuse

11:11

always clean everybody else at

11:13

sweat rings from work from

11:16

they didn't have time he

11:18

always had time i did call him

11:20

up by cut school in the middle

11:22

the day gilbert what you do it's are not

11:24

as go visit okay we had time

11:27

and so that's why i gravitated to

11:29

and why i gravitated to was a dope

11:31

fiend an dope and i

11:34

want be just like you know i

11:36

wanted to where the floor some shoes and

11:38

the press pad said those prestige

11:40

certain have wad of money like that

11:43

all the time so then was

11:45

he ultimately the largest

11:47

influencing your life absolutely

11:50

and if you saw him you'd see why

11:52

mess he was like this guy

11:55

if you walked into a room you do we walked

11:57

in on your like a kid was like proud

11:59

as year cool big and

12:03

it's like couldn't remember being thirteen

12:05

years old and cruise in the junior

12:07

high school that i was in with my

12:10

cousin soule and my uncle gilbert

12:12

and we're in and forty nine ford

12:14

convertible and ford had and i

12:16

of brew one o two that

12:19

was a beer of the time but

12:22

it was great deal of he said the lumps in

12:24

it's not because as much

12:26

as i did super beer you could buy you

12:29

, all loaded but we're drinking beers i

12:31

can remember bastard and my junior high

12:33

school and everybody like

12:35

watching and it was like robert

12:37

deniro how down the street unreal

12:39

a with so with so so

12:42

was with the two guys that everybody

12:44

knew ran things and

12:46

so it's things and they had time for

12:48

me i know believe me i know

12:51

to problems of parenthood you gotta pay

12:53

rent you gotta pay fields got

12:55

this just got of was alarmed got

12:57

a mullet but you still got

12:59

a big time

13:00

you're right like i recognize when

13:02

my parents are around my

13:04

son how much

13:06

they understand that yeah the

13:08

way that they didn't when they were pan the me

13:11

write your complaint right they

13:13

value that so much

13:15

and they ,

13:17

let lot of things go that they

13:19

would never have you know right let me

13:21

get away with it is a beautiful

13:24

kind of love that they give him

13:26

your i was a single parent for a while and

13:29

i , to go to aid in a meetings

13:32

and take my kids think oh god this

13:34

doesn't offer is exactly the

13:36

only problem stated that don't

13:38

i slacked off

13:41

so to get to bed at feel about

13:43

that wants but when they both went

13:45

through their drugs states basel

13:48

boom and i understood but

13:50

when they were ready when knew

13:52

go to be so is like a

13:54

more information you can give your children's

13:57

about not using about

13:59

read air the better off they are you

14:01

if i never knew about alcoholics

14:04

anonymous i probably still be a drunk but

14:06

i learned about a when i was fifteen years

14:08

old so when i was

14:11

done it's like oh yeah here's

14:13

where the successes yeah it's

14:15

like oh i wanna learn etti

14:17

go to juilliard you go where

14:19

the successes and

14:21

the only time i ever seen success was

14:24

in a ball it's not cause it's not

14:27

the any do you mind talking

14:30

little bit about the armed robbery you

14:32

is real hard

14:34

to understand whether you're doing armed

14:37

robberies to support your drug

14:39

habits or drugs

14:41

to support your robbery habits

14:44

because , become unbelievable

14:46

addicting and my

14:48

uncle gilbert i'll never forget we

14:50

were driving and this one this was clean and sober

14:53

and we were driving and know he

14:55

had like about three thousand dollars on him

14:57

and add and couple of grand were going

14:59

through but i was clean and of in my mom's

15:01

card and he says though he used

15:04

to your delegates for cigarettes so stop

15:06

he went and comes out scold and scold

15:08

scold and oh man does he just

15:10

did robbery right in my mom's car

15:12

and we we left and i or

15:15

how about you get you he got like eighty five

15:17

dollars or something and just [unk] gilbert

15:20

illegal shut up you know we knew he

15:22

wasn't so much how much you got

15:24

was how much adrenaline you got

15:26

going of course is for the money

15:28

but the adrenalin is quite rush afterwards

15:32

yeah c g sampson

15:34

this young lady from arkansas

15:36

is your biggest fan of

15:38

when i told her i was going to be and you're

15:40

sure the oh my god oh please do

15:43

so i just want to know that are

15:45

selling [unk] crystals together i'm gonna start

15:47

this crystal business because her

15:49

boss has a crystal mind

15:51

amazing cheech marin his wife

15:54

drug out this crystal that look like new

15:56

york city com unbelievable

15:58

this the one i dug out

16:00

my god for as a nurse the

16:02

any as a whole thing up

16:04

how much nothing way out about five

16:06

thousand six crowds i was digging in the

16:08

minds and i got this out every

16:10

started screaming what teachers

16:12

was dug out one bigger than that

16:14

beautiful who just like such a

16:16

great experience wise wait minute be honest

16:19

he goes out and sell it and

16:21

, is it's normal crystal

16:23

on had no

16:24

that is awesome good for you you

16:26

definitely have the hustle spirit and

16:28

you believe you have to in this industry

16:30

your your own small business and

16:33

i do think that that quality is

16:35

also linked to solution

16:37

finding

16:38

yes perfect that's don't deal with

16:40

the problem slip find solution that

16:43

is one my models you know

16:45

what i hear people my god oh my god snow

16:47

stop were digging into the problem

16:49

let's figure out solutions and that

16:51

is the way i live my lights everything

16:53

good that has happened to me as happened

16:55

as a direct result of help someone else

16:57

i got into the movie business help with somebody

17:00

i got into the restaurant visits

17:02

i did favor for a director

17:04

named craig moss great director

17:06

i had known but he ,

17:08

at me with this film i sat and

17:10

olympics think about it but i more said

17:12

on this other film for like some pretty

17:14

good money and he has i

17:16

have a low budget movie and

17:18

my aged gloria he knows or she

17:20

gives a daily this might be a winner and

17:22

was low budget but it might be a winner and

17:24

i'm sure yep old of it all year year

17:27

so anyway i went and did the favor as

17:29

okay okay will do it will do it so it

17:31

turned out to be a trilogy the movie was

17:33

a field goal bad goal we

17:35

did bad as bad as yeah

17:37

and bad ass on by you put

17:39

on the first one this producer

17:42

name as saw name

17:44

, i like to eat good food won't eat processed

17:47

food and or remove budget deal goto you

17:49

the box and bring forty tacos

17:51

or whatever from there and i'd bring

17:54

some salad or i bring a lot since he's

17:56

a danny one job at restaurant my jokingly

17:58

i said trails tacos to that's

18:00

what my mom and i would always kiss

18:02

my dad off about you know was my

18:05

where we start restaurant and of trails

18:07

toggles and my dad be in this

18:10

was the fifties a deal is

18:12

so bad in my family that

18:14

if one of the women work

18:16

when everybody would get together you

18:18

because she work so like see

18:21

war that the it also the would actually

18:23

teaches you about your wife

18:25

work it's so every time we

18:27

talked about restaurant my dad way

18:29

cheaper married right ever got whatever l u

18:31

wot ya be you would like as you get angry

18:33

about think that his wife was going work

18:36

i wonder he was also angry though if he was

18:38

kind of man that wanted the american dream

18:40

and sounded elusive sounded kind

18:42

of impossible to get sued the idea

18:45

of you and his wife

18:47

potentially

18:48

been hugely successful

18:50

course i know right now boom

18:53

or and heavens and sees was yeah totally

18:56

stupid adult you should ,

18:58

started or as a

19:01

amount

19:01

the really competitive with each other and

19:03

had the probably very justified

19:06

resentment

19:07

the media which ones are give it in the book

19:09

i dug but i found

19:11

escape from my dad through

19:13

drugs alcohol and i'm not

19:15

blaming it on my dad's i could

19:17

handle it yeah that's what it was my

19:20

mom found in her late it

19:22

, broke our whole family apart but

19:24

that's my story either

19:26

yet was just what happened in if

19:28

i would have been able to to

19:31

done better role model or

19:33

whatever you know that i have to accept

19:36

some of that i can't say yet

19:38

their fault you know cause it's not it's like

19:40

i didn't excel in school because

19:42

did i'd school but i'd always fleas

19:44

always yeah even

19:46

ate some lemonade i'm the only person

19:49

to ever get an a's you

19:51

you in math i got an a

19:53

for my work and i got a onset

19:56

of best onset everything

19:58

else sen

20:01

mary any you hang on the you when

20:03

you first set like you were in love oh

20:05

god married girl named

20:07

laura for read my first

20:10

wife before wife would have been attempts

20:12

nineteen sixty two

20:14

wow so how old

20:17

were you then you first got married nineteen

20:20

eighteen oh and did

20:22

you feel love did you feel like

20:24

this is something i need to do the

20:26

who suffered that i needed to do i

20:28

know she got thrown out of her house

20:31

for be and with me

20:33

hazard mom and dad were republicans

20:36

and i felt like my duty

20:38

kind of right but i loved her but

20:41

it was okay well let's get married we got

20:43

married at my mom and dad's house and my

20:45

mom and dad both thought that will thus

20:47

good for him about aids erasing

20:50

each other erasing release and said

20:52

oh yeah on that is really

20:54

hard so were you around i

20:57

think i was at first but you know what it's

20:59

god been i was from the streets

21:01

and i never left that we live

21:04

behind bars on

21:06

liked some so i was dealing pills

21:08

lot of a bar so it's not conducive

21:11

to some marriage rate and

21:13

then she would come on by the oh different women

21:15

in thousand different guys

21:17

in the house and gun deals gone on

21:19

topic so it didn't work didn't

21:21

went to prison and she divorced

21:24

me while me while in prison

21:26

media when you're like eight or nine did

21:28

you have crushes the

21:29

earth castro remember

21:32

have gone with growing field castro

21:34

and we all had to stop feels like

21:36

i'm good at

21:40

, search for huge reminded

21:42

me that allow post is list

21:44

i've been here twenty

21:47

i read that you they used five

21:49

year old will you tell us about that god

21:51

saved me you don't rise i was

21:53

driving and i seen this lady

21:56

on her phone and as is a red light

21:58

that subject have to let her know would

22:00

you rather red light and t boned

22:02

this issue v and flipped it over

22:05

and i just got out read of car

22:07

and eight admit it but this

22:09

lady give say my baby my baby

22:11

my baby and i did movie

22:13

cause storks and

22:15

those me by lives is storks

22:18

my , my baby my baby i was

22:21

was for a second

22:23

forgive my ego what for split

22:25

second i think this latest say

22:28

in my lines from start and

22:30

then yeah

22:33

i know i know it's

22:35

not about you and i look at the back

22:37

seat and i see this kid his

22:39

seat broke loose and he's

22:41

typical and he's like a

22:43

nine out none you've grown so i

22:46

couldn't open the back door because the

22:48

top was crushed so big

22:50

better good kid comes over to come on

22:52

but yet there which are doing and we rebuild

22:54

the door at the environment needs the jaws

22:56

life but we tore open this door

22:59

and i went to get him and seen

23:01

that he was special needs

23:04

and he's looking at me afraid

23:06

and afraid couldn't reach the seatbelt

23:09

so this little hand from the

23:11

little girl that was all the other side of car

23:13

i gotta i gotta daddy gotta gotta it and

23:16

reached over unbuckled the people that

23:18

i told him use your superpowers

23:21

grabbed by neck and he

23:23

grabbed because autistic kids

23:25

you can't grab that is one of the

23:27

reasons why i think police officers

23:29

should have a special training because

23:31

they come up to somebody artistic or

23:33

their trade aren't trained

23:35

to take control what it's

23:37

not control issue it's

23:39

a okay be careful watch

23:41

out hold on hold on come on

23:43

come on so i told him use your superpower

23:46

grammar and he grabbed by neck and

23:48

we came out he started screaming for

23:50

his grandma or grandpa was all bloody

23:52

for the oh yeah we'll we'll go over here okay

23:55

you'll just and here kept saying superpower

23:57

so when the firemen said it was okay they

23:59

cleaned her up in went back and it

24:01

was so funny because he leans over goes superpowers

24:04

grab most of

24:07

the stuff so i left i

24:09

left i went over to job is out

24:11

about where i was rich my cars and

24:14

british front office nusrat showed

24:16

up and pages that we understand

24:18

is posted up in there was

24:20

just god put be the right place the right

24:22

time

24:23

know what though there's more to this

24:25

and and speaks a lot about you the

24:27

idea that in that high

24:29

adrenaline heightened chaos

24:32

when lot times people can't think

24:34

you told that kid to

24:36

grab your neck because you knew you couldn't

24:39

and there now it really special

24:42

the you need still to tell me a great

24:44

recipes i wanted here and i

24:46

want to share what does

24:47

or most proud of what you to

24:49

what i loved all goes to the the simplest

24:52

and you can put anything in a

24:54

man with good cauliflower

24:56

wee bit of cauliflower tacos really

24:58

popular for the people that are vegan

25:00

vegetarian and as blaze

25:02

on it is absolutely delicious guard the

25:04

us either and if you like

25:07

got we got balls in our restaurant

25:09

that feature whatever it is in the targets

25:11

for me i love the bar

25:13

fish taco i love fish tacos ah

25:15

love seafood what do you put on top of

25:17

it is retreat at

25:20

it and it's good but i love walk

25:22

on wallets and we got the best walk a mile

25:24

in the world in don't care what anybody says

25:26

but like said everything good that has happened

25:29

to be is app and as and direct result

25:31

of help someone else that's how we got

25:33

the restaurant business we did a favor

25:35

and bam i was tell you that

25:37

you brought me that business plan

25:40

on bad as bad the bites and

25:42

bites didn't have any killing any killing first paid

25:45

so i gave it to my agent she

25:47

tried said this is no brainer damage

25:49

because usually when people come to use soy

25:51

yo gotti twenty five thousand and

25:53

they wanted no money up front this is us

25:55

together we'll do this and in

25:58

week as for restaurants right now and they're

26:00

all doing well we've got donut

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shop that is kill and it only

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27:35

this episode of unqualified is brought

27:37

to you by mcdonalds there

27:40

you have food at home you

27:43

don't have picnic at home you

27:45

probably don't have fries or a chocolate

27:47

shake there either for

27:50

me mcdonalds is part comfort

27:52

food part reward and

27:54

part family tradition it

27:56

all began when i didn't cry on my fourth

27:58

day preschool of m mom took me

28:00

straight to mcdonalds when i

28:02

gonna be mass after weeks of in

28:05

when i needed cheering up after i yvonne

28:07

decided to go steady with michelle leiden

28:10

or simply to calm my nerves on

28:12

way to him the premier yeah

28:14

, he could had a big mac to to

28:17

side note dipping your fries into a chocolate

28:19

seat is very effective when it comes

28:21

to curious heart breaks there

28:23

is some experience as we've all had

28:26

thanks to mcdonalds

28:48

hi i'm megan tyneside

28:52

so great to meet you as

28:54

well would you let us know what's going

28:56

on yeah so my

28:58

boyfriend has covered the

28:59

idea for as say he's cast sat

29:02

on he really wants

29:04

us to us and move crust

29:06

world every now we live in canada

29:08

he is originally from

29:10

romania and hair bows thirteen years

29:13

i've been in canada my whole life and

29:15

he says varies on don't home

29:18

and not quite sold on it as much as

29:21

exciting as it seems to maybe move as far

29:23

as is only family and friends are here i

29:25

take a free active role my brother's life

29:28

he is special needs to isn't

29:30

a group home and so i'm pretty

29:32

in his life so the idea of going

29:34

nascar distance on

29:36

lotta gilts ss and below

29:39

that selfish

29:41

have a couple of questions do is

29:43

have you been to romania before i

29:45

have we've been twice before okay

29:47

are we see this idea came about well before

29:49

everything that happened over the past couple months he

29:52

does still have family there are so

29:54

very much

29:54

watching what's happening it's a cluster homes

29:56

that we don't feel like it's going to be something that affects

29:59

his decision want

30:00

word face an idea conceive

30:02

during quarantine know

30:05

actually it actually came about when

30:07

was pregnant i told him i don't have the hormones

30:09

to deal with just kind of idea right so let's

30:12

start letting anybody either yeah

30:14

i'm and so actually during quarantine it

30:16

kind of ramped up ramped little bit really not

30:18

being able to go anywhere go anywhere so now

30:20

he's really deep into it danny what

30:23

do you think

30:24

here well my daughter moved

30:26

to ohio from los

30:28

angeles for your boyfriend and she lasted

30:31

two years their weather

30:33

, different the people to grow up

30:35

venice california so it's

30:37

kinda like drastic change

30:40

and and was daddy

30:42

idea of a come on backers

30:44

crazy i resolved and plus

30:46

got great job now she's working back

30:48

here and she takes care of two

30:50

officers one year one las vegas

30:52

so her move was good

30:55

and old is your child care

30:57

and you've got a special needs brother so

30:59

you have some stuff to keep you

31:01

keep and i been

31:03

in romania but with all the things

31:06

that are happening i don't think

31:08

i personally would want to move

31:10

and for him to ask to move where you're pregnant

31:12

where crazy cause ,

31:15

for the only thing

31:17

i asked was was like a glass water

31:19

yeah

31:23

hormones different when you're oh

31:26

atlanta i just think that you both

31:28

got really sit down and say wait years the

31:30

pros years the gods your what are

31:32

we going to do as a couple

31:35

muslim

31:35

you can fight about of like how much

31:37

tension is there around the subject the

31:40

very understanding sue the reasons i'd like

31:42

to stay and not go but

31:44

it doesn't tennis slow him down

31:47

as he just kinda keeps may be pushing it love

31:49

it will it okay well maybe in few years so be ready

31:51

or maybe when are sent all of the older so

31:53

be ready as he gets great

31:55

idea

31:56

i wonder if you can say

31:59

how about in a year we

32:01

move for a year didn't

32:04

just one idea for a compromise

32:07

but megan truly the strongest argument

32:10

is regional uncertainty so

32:12

, can say all right let's assess this

32:15

in six to eight months months

32:18

i want to really think of this as a

32:20

year trial i like that

32:22

that's good idea psychologically

32:24

i can't look at this as permanent

32:26

idea them and then in the meantime

32:29

i mean this is kind of on the lighter sillier

32:31

side of things but she's

32:33

the stall jacks and missing something

32:35

kind of alone right now and

32:38

i wonder if like you said making

32:40

some kind of romanian food

32:42

assists and will deliver

32:44

very romanian way so you do okay

32:46

we do oh we already do grant that's

32:48

not much to this have

32:51

you the language i could probably

32:53

only get myself the

32:54

trouble probably financial times he

32:56

said that i know the batter ids

32:58

okay okay but it might be fun for

33:00

you to start practicing that little

33:02

more and i think

33:04

that would make you both feel little more

33:06

connected to

33:09

whatever his nostalgia journey is

33:11

right now dizzy romanticized

33:13

soil said you love

33:15

sister

33:16

had he left his way he grew up yeah

33:19

he wants us under has a similar

33:21

experience than he did but i also

33:23

think very much exactly what said he romanticize

33:26

are like he remembers i could be a social

33:28

aspect of it and the good things

33:30

and going out all the time when i

33:33

every family comes up like it's not going to

33:35

be the same ways you hide when you were

33:37

twenty six and year he did

33:39

have a responsibility so we have a

33:41

house and a kid and doesn't it's very

33:43

different three under show make that clear to

33:45

him

33:46

unfortunately i don't think you

33:48

have the power actually to crash drew that

33:50

romanticism the only thing that

33:53

does is like a month

33:55

or two there

33:56

i went for another thing is like he always refers

33:58

i swear vacation there are the guess location

34:00

for a everything straight up occasionally

34:02

the suitcase better and the traffic isn't

34:04

as big video a great be i like

34:06

the idea of year trail you can

34:08

wrap your head around that you there's

34:10

chance you may fall in love with

34:12

it in terms of your brother

34:14

him so you are his main caretaker

34:16

mostly i wouldn't say caretaker he does

34:18

live in

34:19

group homes as he is fully taken

34:21

care of him like a house staff twenty four

34:23

hours a day they do is bills and everything

34:25

i guess i'm is like closest family

34:28

member or dad is still alive and still active

34:30

the bowels it's been long time accepting

34:32

a forum say i do and

34:34

you must everything else from will your

34:36

brother be really heartbroken

34:39

if you tell him that you may

34:41

be going to romania for a year i don't

34:43

think he would understand have any

34:45

good comprehension is he

34:47

just wouldn't get it okay in terms of addressing

34:49

your guilt isn't it won't

34:52

necessarily change his emotional

34:55

they if he doesn't see you for

34:57

month that you think it lives

34:59

because obviously went through pandemic as

35:01

each other allied but i think over

35:04

a few months it would definitely

35:06

do more damage

35:08

whoever like stays time with him

35:10

we tried he's not very interactive

35:12

i guess and it was owners and right

35:15

and at that age like

35:16

that are too many like okay by stood

35:18

out there is him and percentage that interests

35:20

me re re re

35:22

hey so it sounds like the weight

35:24

of your guilt will not be necessarily

35:26

equal to his nothing

35:28

new right yeah for sure it's all

35:31

on me i think over time

35:32

would adjust yeah it's

35:34

really just me and how do i like make

35:36

moves through it

35:38

then it also sounds fear based

35:42

are you big traveler we

35:44

do love travel so it's

35:46

exciting to think of living somewhere even for

35:48

a little while longer and obviously

35:50

not being able travel past couple years it's been like

35:52

ooh okay like we could be able to go somewhere

35:54

and it would allow us to will have

35:56

more to zealously north america isn't

35:58

great retabling sometime

36:00

okay so if you can handle

36:02

a year and

36:04

you can make this compromise and compromise would

36:06

practically speaking practically would just simply

36:08

revisit the conversation and six months

36:11

but i do think you should start speaking romanian

36:13

with him to him you can just say

36:16

listen i am

36:17

willing to try to three year

36:19

but i really want the end of the year

36:21

to be able to assess fairly because

36:24

it is important that we're both happy we

36:26

both feel secure we both feel

36:28

like this is very much a joint

36:30

decision to stay or to leave

36:32

that guy in it sounds like he is

36:35

of really understanding reasonable person

36:37

he is yours years or so

36:39

it sounds like he would digest this idea and be

36:41

okay with it i think you would be i think it

36:43

will be filling me with them and let

36:46

him think about fellow as of

36:49

, i think of great suggestion into

36:51

i am kind of excited for you need

36:53

to system i think assuming

36:55

that it safe and you can

36:57

get like health care for your son or while the practical

37:01

so he's around us and i just mean we have to

37:03

worry about so

37:04

yeah that thing i don't know the logistics

37:06

at all he is it really complicated

37:09

process to get you over they can you even

37:11

who are year yeah we

37:13

would be able to do a year wouldn't

37:15

able to work that would be that has tired but

37:17

or someone be offset area the

37:19

a little bit of us kind of thing is

37:21

oh yes it go because

37:23

my kids were you aware i

37:25

think that guilt is something

37:28

that's probably misplaced anxiety

37:30

as well like weekend lump all that shit

37:32

together now i

37:34

think that if you've made a decision to

37:36

can be a little proactive to get

37:38

some guidebooks it may

37:40

change your mind frame her hair

37:42

and you might really get really kick out of it of it

37:44

so too the

37:45

i think it's great addition to start it's great starting

37:47

point some think yeah

37:49

oh i'm excited for you and

37:51

i love it that you will have beautiful family

37:54

thank you so much think it's think prefer sooner

37:56

time saying megan have megan wonderful

37:59

day by

38:13

maybe if i knew you before one my

38:15

marriage is what workout at

38:18

, at at at at

38:22

at any that was awesome but the thing

38:24

i was the deal euro with that's what do

38:27

what that's what i what a

38:29

path did the evening

38:33

, they all decided

38:36

at it like to do any self examination

38:38

then there was any thing

38:41

i think that make him sick in romania

38:43

chance assuming that it's say

38:45

why be used as good idea for a year

38:47

yeah that's great because it you're not committing

38:50

to say let's move tolerant those compromise

38:52

those good

38:55

this episode of unqualified is brought

38:57

to you by mcdonalds sure

39:00

you have food at home but

39:03

you don't have don't have mack at home you

39:05

probably don't have fries or chocolate

39:07

shake their either for

39:10

, mcdonalds is part comfort

39:12

food part reward and

39:14

part family tradition it

39:16

all began when i didn't cry on my fourth

39:18

day of preschool and my mom took me

39:20

streets mcdonalds gotta

39:22

be mass after weeks of stuff when

39:25

i needed cheering up after right yvonne

39:27

decided to go steady with michelle leiden

39:30

or simply to com the ventilator

39:32

movie premiere yeah

39:34

, he can add big mac to as

39:37

note tipping your fries into chocolate sake

39:39

is very effective when it comes to curious

39:42

heart breaks there some

39:44

experiences we've all had thanks

39:46

to mcdonalds

39:53

hi

39:57

i'm always say ana hi danny

40:00

emily

40:01

you so much for writing into as

40:03

will you tell us what's going on yeah

40:05

so i met my best friend in

40:07

college she came from the west coast

40:09

med wise we became super close

40:12

we even live together after college

40:14

and she eventually decided she

40:16

wanted move back to the west coast so

40:19

at that time went visit her and i had met

40:21

family many times but i'd never met her

40:23

brother and so is my first time

40:25

meeting our brother and i dunno if you believe

40:27

in love at first sight but it was just like immediately

40:30

you know i was infatuated my

40:32

trip is only ten days but by the end of that

40:35

we decided to do long distance and so

40:37

i went back to the midwives who did long distance for

40:39

awhile and eventually he moved out

40:41

to medwatch to be with me and and it was all

40:43

really great and then the pandemic hit

40:46

and he lost his job and

40:49

it was really hard time he got very

40:51

depressed and i

40:53

tried be supportive and relationship

40:55

but he wasn't really accepting my support

40:57

for me and so our relationship went

41:00

really downhill really fast and we

41:02

had like a year that was really

41:04

bad the end the relationship

41:06

was you know not any better was very representative

41:09

of how terrible our relationship was

41:11

that last year oh god

41:13

yeah the horrible

41:16

breakup yeah i really want

41:18

to emphasize that because i need

41:20

you to understand that peace and i tell you

41:22

that it's been really hard to be friends

41:24

with my best friends since and

41:26

, a few reasons for that of course

41:28

there's like the she reminds me

41:30

of him right it's a sister when she

41:32

talks about her parents she's talking

41:34

about his parents you know she sounds like

41:36

him and on top of that you know

41:39

because she's to sister she's

41:41

a little bit more defensive of his

41:43

actions a little bit more like thing the middle

41:46

and when you have horrible break up you don't

41:48

want your best friend playing them at all you want

41:50

them fully on your side now

41:52

your understand that but i also

41:54

thought was really hard to handle you

41:56

miss er yes fisher yeah

41:59

am i

42:00

the jan eighteen i'm really sorry

42:02

yeah correct if i'm wrong that sounds like

42:04

you really thought hard for

42:06

this relationship to work that you really

42:09

really love to this person deeply

42:11

yes and he continued

42:13

to push your way in a gazillion

42:16

different ways yep oh god

42:18

truly like my her guy ache for you because

42:20

it , be so unbelievably

42:23

dad mean mean

42:25

continued so love and

42:27

one and the slow infiltration

42:30

of like what is wrong with me

42:32

that his first them on love me back right

42:35

and right mean towards the end of our relationship

42:37

end of asking for the bare minimum and

42:39

marketing that analysis

42:41

so heartbreaking this was like

42:43

oh long battle yeah

42:46

when i will tell you the the final break

42:48

up he had been on the west

42:50

coast visiting his parents and

42:52

we broke up over the phone and he

42:55

left on his blog

42:56

that our apartment interests wasn't

42:58

returning so it was the ruff

43:00

break up this the

43:01

really understandable situation emily your

43:05

austin friends didn't

43:07

mean her rather

43:09

the male version of her

43:11

it felt like perfect fit your family's

43:13

get along great with everything

43:16

, some some do

43:18

want you to know that part of the reason i think you fell in love

43:20

with him was because he loved her so

43:23

it's important think to recognize that route

43:25

because i think it is of comfort to you

43:27

isn't comfort to if like when you've

43:29

talked about their with

43:31

her how deep is it gone

43:34

when the breakup first happened i

43:36

have since told her that i needed space

43:39

and like i couldn't doctor

43:41

as much as i used to plenty to to kind

43:43

of get over the break up before i could

43:45

really have a relationship with her and she

43:48

was super understanding of that i think

43:50

i just kind spots that time

43:52

but he'll this but like were year

43:54

out from my break up i don't feel

43:57

that much differently about that friendship

43:59

like i feel like better about may break out but

44:01

i thought that case about having

44:03

hard time being censored her would go away and

44:05

that hasn't gone away how eg

44:07

seals i told you that like right after

44:10

we talk i want you to color

44:12

and teller that you love the and

44:14

units her and you need

44:16

her

44:16

in your life there's no going back

44:19

necessarily but you can tell

44:21

her how hard was just like you told

44:23

us he didn't make any specific accusations

44:26

about his behavior would that

44:28

be were leaving to you to

44:30

pour your heart out a little bit or are

44:32

you kind of like you know she hurt

44:34

me too i think there's two pieces

44:36

to i think theres that piece of like

44:39

she hurt me too and i think there's

44:41

like a part of me a bat afraid

44:43

to be vulnerable about how i'm

44:45

doing related that break up because

44:48

i don't want what i told her it's like get

44:50

back to him like i don't want him

44:52

to find out i am struggling start

44:55

with i break up so much that i

44:57

can't be friends with her you may need

44:59

couple more months yeah because

45:02

you're gonna have to really away how much

45:04

you miss are there is also

45:06

is also where you maybe have outgrown

45:08

danny what are using a stand

45:11

in your time heals everything in your

45:13

in god's time not mine you've

45:15

, way of this goes is

45:17

that your best friends to best friend

45:20

and it was funny says laura

45:22

my first wife wife

45:24

very different my best friend

45:26

and me and laura split

45:28

up and knees and sherry

45:31

and frank stayed friends till

45:33

they split up and and mean fraser still

45:35

brits so it's like we just

45:37

keep moving on you got a life

45:40

that you have got take care of no

45:42

it's true that that break that's always

45:44

hello

45:45

the division of the social

45:47

circle of flour she does

45:50

know a version probably

45:52

of his side yeah

45:54

but it sounds like you did not commit

45:56

a bridges behavior that

45:58

salinas sewer ones

46:00

what kind of narrative she's heard

46:02

then yeah i think narrative she could

46:04

have heard as one that paint me as

46:06

plenty you know like asking

46:08

for somebody to love me who taught my name

46:10

right hopefully see would see

46:13

that in the bright lights of but that

46:15

actually he was yeah

46:17

and mean clinging is not a reason to

46:19

not like

46:20

ninety emily

46:25

it was interesting that that got

46:27

sacked i ask you about like paulina

46:30

didn't land with release

46:32

for you yeah so

46:34

maybe you'd still need a few

46:36

more

46:36

mine yeah you'll know when

46:38

the divers right yeah you've already

46:40

stated the the to stay

46:43

women's last any by fugitive it

46:45

was probably a like little less

46:47

than year ago she came and visited

46:49

me okay so lame you put enough

46:51

pressure on yourself now

46:53

i wondered you know i think is is something

46:55

that kind of sets that me all the time

46:57

because she does every once while retired

46:59

and she's so sweet me also some like

47:02

love you lots kind messages like bad

47:04

and quick second in our early where

47:06

we talked about the root of your love for

47:08

him grow from your love

47:11

for her yeah it's like now

47:13

you're using that extent

47:14

in reverse your pain

47:16

from him

47:17

you're on transfer onto her yeah

47:20

that love is connected for you

47:22

yeah has she done anything that's

47:24

been mean or specifically

47:27

painful so the one painful

47:29

thing i can so that she dead is when

47:31

she came and visited me it

47:34

was maybe a month after a breakup

47:36

and she , visiting like two weeks

47:38

and towards end of it she was like can

47:40

we go by suitcase and as like

47:42

what need suitcase for for

47:44

she is like oh i told my brother i'd bring all steps

47:47

back for him which expressed

47:49

at time thought hurt me and see

47:51

apologize how did she apologized

47:54

how said that she thought that she was being helpful

47:56

and bad she thought i would appreciate

47:58

bought that seems odd

48:00

no it does because it is painful part about

48:02

it i'm sure she wanted see you but it

48:04

does in that rock times

48:06

make you think of the own read and she

48:08

came as the pack that hey dot

48:11

right and that's why she's here

48:13

are those that were told the case

48:16

she what about empty seats

48:18

yeah will begin with i mean see dead

48:20

has a lot of remorse when i

48:22

told her i felt like could tell she felt bad

48:24

okay but i was surprised how

48:27

shocking it was to her that i would feel

48:29

that way such as she could have said

48:31

as to tell you in this is awful

48:33

i love is so muslims here to visit you and i love

48:35

you buy that our needs

48:37

a pack of this stuff and i'm so

48:40

sorry i know this is hard yeah

48:42

he described her as really sweet he

48:44

said her apology was remorseful

48:47

it was first are painful that she

48:49

was oblivious but

48:51

, are the actions of an uncaring

48:53

friend who doesn't love you you

48:56

she's missing you to yeah i

48:58

think just really thinks about in

49:00

my the next few weeks how

49:02

much you miss her and if

49:04

you did the pain diversion thing

49:07

yeah totally that makes lot of sense a

49:09

sense you are

49:11

a lovely saw saw signs

49:14

person thank you i had to

49:16

write and because every for and i've

49:18

talked to his just responded with that

49:20

so we're situation however i have no idea what i idea

49:22

do so you are my

49:24

last hope for advice i appreciate

49:26

you says i do all right vs

49:29

he did you that i think i have a lot of things

49:31

to think about yeah us

49:34

time it's the worst yeah

49:36

the any emily's doing time right

49:38

now give her some mental

49:40

advice to get over the pain of our

49:43

thank you do when i sponsor guys

49:45

that are breaking up i always talk

49:47

about no communication you know just

49:49

leave alone let lie in the sister

49:51

i think is the best friend that i think that

49:53

you gave some great advice weighed about

49:55

three weeks see how you feel color

49:57

and say hey i love you and

50:00

it's been really hard for me so

50:02

don't let me put my pain

50:05

from pm on you yeah you

50:07

feel okay you'll be alright

50:09

yeah it's awful but time

50:11

is the only thing time

50:13

, saxon would force

50:15

yourself to be more social okay i

50:17

really want you like go out

50:19

once or twice a week set goal for yourself

50:22

for i did fully

50:24

change careers and sigh has been very

50:26

busy with that oh good regulations

50:29

, yes i'm very happy

50:31

amazing emily things you

50:33

so much yeah thanks for

50:35

having me side by other

50:42

wow i'm impressed

50:44

i just totally of breasts i've been listening

50:46

like unbelievable

50:49

, like i wish i had that cases

50:51

here i go see this i've

50:54

done a lot of podcast this of

50:56

podcast best the best i've ever

50:58

done it has been amazing

51:00

thank you so much that

51:02

means lot danny i just admire

51:04

you watch and i'm really

51:06

grateful for you think

51:09

, much danny thanks

51:12

danny