0:09

Welcome to the Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships

0:11

podcast . I'm your host , carissa

0:14

Stepp . I'm a relationship and

0:16

human design coach , and this podcast

0:18

is designed to help you create a stronger

0:20

connection to yourself so you can

0:22

transform the relationships around you

0:25

, whether that be with your partner , a friend , a

0:27

parent , a child or your business . We

0:30

will be looking at relationships through the lens of

0:32

human design , and my guests and I

0:34

will bring you the tools , tips and tricks

0:36

to create deeply meaningful connections with

0:38

others . But first let's

0:40

start with you . The most important

0:42

relationship you have is the one with yourself . Thank

0:45

you for tuning in . Now let's get to today's

0:47

episode . Hey

0:52

, hey , everyone . Welcome back to another

0:54

episode of Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships

0:56

, the podcast , where we focus

0:58

on your most important relationship , the one

1:01

you have with yourself , so that you can create

1:03

deeply more meaningful relationships

1:05

with others . So

1:07

I recently got back from

1:09

the retreat that I co-hosted with

1:12

my business partner , liz Transcend

1:14

, down in Harper's Ferry , west Virginia

1:16

, and we

1:18

had such an incredible time with

1:20

the amazing group of women that gathered . And

1:24

I just want to say that if

1:26

you have never been on a retreat before

1:28

, particularly a spiritual retreat

1:30

, I highly , highly , highly

1:33

recommend it and of course you know this might seem

1:35

like a biased opinion , because

1:37

I do have a retreat business alongside

1:40

my coaching business called Soulfire , with

1:42

Liz , and we are

1:44

going to be co-hosting our second retreat

1:46

, evolve and Bali , in April

1:48

. And while this might sound

1:50

a little bit like a pitch , I just want to say

1:53

that every time I go on a retreat

1:55

and this was only my second retreat that I've ever

1:57

really attended , that was a spiritual

1:59

retreat that when

2:01

women come together , it's a

2:03

really unique experience

2:06

, and this

2:08

time , having been one of

2:10

the retreat organizers or

2:12

leaders , I did not expect

2:14

to also receive

2:17

the healing medicine that my soul

2:19

really needed , and

2:22

one of the things that I experienced

2:24

at this retreat was

2:26

learning how to not

2:28

only give to the attendees

2:31

that were there and to provide and to

2:33

nurture them . I also

2:35

received nurturing and support

2:38

from the women that came , and

2:40

it was such a beautiful experience

2:43

where I

2:45

honestly felt like my

2:47

heart busted wide

2:50

open . I

2:52

felt safe and supported

2:55

by the women

2:57

that were there , while also

2:59

intentionally creating

3:01

a safe space alongside

3:04

Liz for these women

3:06

to feel safe

3:08

and supported , and

3:10

it became such a symbiotic

3:12

flow between all

3:14

of us that it's unlike

3:17

anything that I've ever experienced before

3:19

. I literally left that retreat

3:21

feeling really sad

3:23

to say goodbye to these incredible women

3:25

. And that's only because

3:28

we all live in different parts

3:30

of the country and Liz lives

3:32

across the sea in Sweden , and

3:35

so the fact that I knew that we

3:37

were going to be able to physically

3:39

gather again like that as a group

3:41

, with this specific group , made

3:45

me really emotional . And I think

3:47

for a lot of us , especially

3:50

if we are mothers , we've

3:52

gotten so used to being in

3:54

a place of nurturing others

3:57

, of always giving to everyone

3:59

else , and then

4:02

, with whatever time we have left , we try to

4:04

give back to ourselves . We try to take

4:06

care of ourselves , and self-care

4:09

is a big part of

4:11

my daily routine , of making sure that I'm

4:13

taking care of me so that I can be

4:15

a better mother , a better daughter

4:17

, a better friend , a better partner . And

4:21

even so , this

4:23

retreat opened up something inside

4:25

of me that literally

4:27

my heart was just overflowing

4:30

with love and compassion

4:32

and empathy , and

4:34

the relationships and connections that

4:37

we all made this past weekend

4:39

really feel like

4:41

deep connections . And

4:45

the reason why I'm mentioning all of this is because

4:47

I want everyone to

4:49

experience something like this , because

4:52

it's truly incredible and

4:54

it's very unique and it's not

4:56

something that we often get to experience

4:58

in our day-to-day life , especially if

5:01

you have a full-time job and you have a family

5:04

and you don't get a moment

5:06

to really deeply connect with

5:08

other women in your life . Back

5:10

in the day , we lived

5:13

in villages , right , and we

5:15

have that saying that comes from then , which is

5:17

it takes a village , right . It takes a village

5:19

to help raise our children . It takes a village

5:21

to get them to all of their activities

5:24

. It takes a village to feel

5:26

supported and have a

5:28

community that gives back to

5:30

one another and supports those of us that

5:32

might be struggling , right , but

5:34

how often do we really get

5:36

to immerse ourselves in that for

5:39

days on end , where we are

5:41

cut off from the rest of the world ? Right

5:43

, and although , yes , we had Wi-Fi

5:45

and we had our devices where we could connect

5:47

with the rest of the world , outside

5:50

of the little cocoon that we had

5:52

created at this adorable little

5:54

colonial home in Harper's Ferry

5:56

, West Virginia , we

5:58

also had this environment

6:00

where we would gather each

6:03

morning and have coffee and have breakfast

6:05

and get into these really deep conversations

6:08

, and so

6:10

one of the things that kept coming up in

6:12

a lot of the conversations that I was having

6:14

was with some of the

6:16

attendees who had

6:18

been in , or are enduring

6:20

, unhealthy relationships , and

6:23

a lot of those conversations came

6:25

back to setting and enforcing

6:28

boundaries , and I don't know

6:30

if that's because that's something that's been

6:32

on my mind a lot lately . It's something

6:34

that I'm working a lot with a

6:36

lot of my one-on-one clients right now , which

6:39

is what inspired me to create

6:41

the Empowered Boundaries Bootcamp

6:43

, which content

6:46

actually begins dropping next week . So

6:48

November 20th is when the

6:50

course itself is going to be live . However

6:53

, just a little side note , little plug you can

6:55

register starting today . Well

6:57

, the registration's been open for a while

6:59

, but you can actually just go and register today

7:02

If you'd like to join us in the Empowered Boundaries

7:04

Bootcamp . It's going to be a self-guided bootcamp

7:07

over five weeks where each week a new module

7:09

will drop , and we're going to be covering all

7:11

sorts of things which I'll get into in a little bit . The

7:14

point of this episode is not to be a pitch for

7:16

the bootcamp , but it's interesting

7:18

how maybe it's coming

7:20

up a lot in my conversations because

7:22

my reticular activating system

7:24

is so focused and is

7:27

literally looking out for all of these opportunities

7:30

or instances where we're like boundaries

7:32

would have reduced

7:34

the conflict in this relationship , or

7:37

enforcing and setting boundaries would have minimized

7:39

the amount of hurt that may

7:42

have been inflicted upon you

7:44

or upon the person that I was speaking to

7:47

, if they had done so in

7:49

this relationship . And the thing is is

7:51

that many of us end up in unhealthy relationships

7:53

because we're not

7:55

good at setting boundaries to begin with . So

7:58

what I came to realize is

8:00

something that I had

8:02

to learn in my relationships

8:05

was how to set boundaries , because

8:07

boundaries were not something that

8:09

I even recognized

8:12

as a tool to

8:14

help me create deeper and

8:17

more meaningful connections with other people . You

8:20

know , when I heard the word boundaries , it was like oh

8:22

, I need to learn how to say no , which

8:25

for me , as someone who was a people pleaser

8:27

, who constantly over committed

8:30

my time , who constantly felt like I had

8:32

to say yes , because if I said no , I'd

8:34

be disappointing someone , and

8:37

I couldn't handle disappointing anyone

8:39

because I always had felt subconsciously

8:42

which I didn't realize at the time I

8:45

had felt responsible for helping

8:47

other people manage their emotions . So

8:50

if they were disappointed and , god

8:52

forbid , they were disappointed in me then

8:55

the only way I could control that or prevent

8:58

that from happening was by

9:00

not letting people down , by not disappointing

9:02

them by saying yes , by being

9:04

the one to help them out , by being the one to

9:06

volunteer time . I didn't have to

9:09

help out with whatever it might have been right

9:12

, and so you know , the

9:14

first way in which a lot of us learn

9:16

how to set boundaries is by learning how to say no

9:18

, is by learning how

9:20

to not always

9:22

say yes when we want to say no

9:24

. But boundaries really

9:26

go much deeper than that

9:29

. When articulated properly

9:31

, boundaries can actually

9:34

help us connect with

9:36

others , as opposed

9:38

to keeping them out . There's this big confusion

9:41

around setting a boundary

9:43

and building a wall , and so what's

9:45

important to understand is that , if you are

9:47

properly articulating

9:50

your boundaries , you are actually

9:52

, in effect , asking your

9:55

partner , your boss

9:57

, your friend , your sister , your brother

9:59

, whoever your parent . You're actually asking

10:01

for what you need instead , in certain

10:03

circumstances . Right , because

10:06

when it comes to conflict , so

10:08

many of us , if we are people pleasers , do

10:11

whatever we can to avoid it , and

10:13

so what I would love to empower

10:16

you to do is that , by setting

10:18

boundaries , you are actually

10:20

creating a framework to

10:23

reduce conflict

10:25

and confrontation , because then

10:27

people know what you are willing

10:30

to tolerate and what you're not willing to tolerate

10:32

. It also helps your partner

10:34

. We'll just go with partner here because it's just

10:36

easier . You're also letting your partner know

10:39

that it's safe for them to

10:41

set boundaries , to let you know what

10:43

they're willing to tolerate and not tolerate . And

10:46

when we do that and when

10:48

we're able to communicate what we need and

10:50

our partner is able to communicate what they need

10:52

, then the chance of conflict

10:54

and confrontation dampens right

10:56

. It gets minimized . So one

10:58

of the things that I would like to talk about is

11:01

, if you do find yourself

11:03

in an unhealthy relationship , how can you

11:05

set boundaries While you're in the

11:07

messy middle ? Because

11:10

a lot of times , when we

11:12

finally recognize that the relationship that

11:14

we're in is unhealthy , we don't

11:16

exactly know whether or not it's

11:19

time to pull the trigger to get

11:21

out of it . Right , maybe you

11:24

know we've got children and we want

11:26

to give it another shot . So

11:29

maybe it involves having

11:31

a conversation with our partner about

11:33

the things that

11:35

are upsetting us , the

11:38

things that are hurting us , which

11:41

maybe we've never spoken up about

11:43

before . So

11:45

by setting boundaries in the relationship

11:47

, you're giving your partner the opportunity

11:49

to rise to the occasion

11:52

and either

11:54

respect

11:56

you right , respect

11:58

what it is that you need . It

12:02

allows you the opportunity to maybe finally

12:04

feel heard and feel seen in

12:06

your relationship , because that

12:08

can't happen if you're not speaking

12:11

up for yourself . And

12:13

so many people pleasers

12:16

out there are not

12:18

comfortable doing that because they again

12:20

are afraid of the conflict and

12:22

the friction that that might cause

12:24

. But sometimes we need a

12:26

little bit of friction in our relationships in

12:28

order to move forward

12:31

and get to a place where

12:33

we can feel safe again , where

12:35

that friction kind of opens up the lines of

12:37

communication . There are many different ways

12:40

in which we can craft and

12:42

assert our boundaries , but we need to

12:44

know how to do that effectively and

12:46

it doesn't just come down to saying

12:48

things like when you said that you

12:50

made me feel this , right

12:52

, that puts somebody on the defensive . That's

12:55

not setting a boundary . And

12:57

so many times people kind of get the

12:59

first part right of telling

13:02

the partner what it is that they did wrong

13:04

, but they're not so good at

13:06

explaining how

13:08

they felt and what they needed in that moment

13:11

instead , right . So let me just kind

13:13

of give you a little bit of an example . Say

13:16

, for example , you

13:18

had a rough day at work and you come

13:20

home and you wanna talk to your

13:22

partner about it and you start sharing about

13:25

this terrible day that you had , and

13:27

your partner jumps in right away and

13:30

starts to try and fix the situation for

13:32

you . Right , they're giving you suggestions

13:34

of , like , what you should do next time or how you

13:36

could have handled it differently . Or

13:39

they're trying to reframe , maybe , what happened

13:41

so that you don't feel so bad . Right , they're

13:43

trying to fix you or rescue you from

13:45

feeling the pain of the situation . Right

13:47

, that's not really helpful , because

13:49

sometimes we just need to vent

13:52

, we just need to express

13:54

and share , like , what happened and process

13:57

how we felt about it by speaking it out

13:59

loud , and we just need someone to really be

14:01

a sounding board for us . So in

14:03

that instance , instead of saying to your partner when

14:06

you said that you made me feel worse , you made me

14:08

feel like I am incapable and

14:10

that I can't handle this and that , but I did was wrong

14:13

, you made me feel like I was wrong for

14:15

feeling this way , or you made me feel like I was

14:17

wrong for handling it the way that I

14:19

did . Right , nobody wants to feel that . No one wants to feel

14:21

judged , and that's kind of what happens a lot of times

14:24

, when our partners kind of come in and try to fix

14:26

something or rescue us from this pain that we're

14:28

feeling . And so , yeah

14:30

, like they have good intentions maybe , right , they might

14:32

have some good intentions around that because they don't want

14:34

to see you upset , they don't want to see you hurt . But

14:37

what you would need to do in that situation

14:40

is set a boundary and say , listen , when I come to you and

14:42

I've had a bad day , what

14:45

would really make me feel supported is

14:47

you just listening to me and

14:50

you empathizing with how I feel

14:52

, instead of telling me how I should feel instead

14:55

or what I should have done instead

14:57

. Or sometimes some partners

14:59

can actually get you more riled up because they

15:01

might be like , oh I can't believe they said that

15:03

to you , or oh , I can't believe that happened

15:06

, that's awful . And

15:08

they might get you more emotionally

15:10

dysregulated as

15:13

opposed to helping you feel

15:15

like you can ground back in

15:17

right when you can feel safe , just sharing

15:20

how you feel without being judged or criticized

15:22

or getting more excited or

15:24

anxious over the situation . So where

15:27

I'm going with this and I'm sorry this is taking me a really long

15:29

time to kind of get to the point is if

15:31

you know that you're in an unhealthy relationship

15:34

, meaning that and

15:36

the way that I'm gonna define this is like you don't

15:38

feel emotionally safe in the relationship

15:40

, and there could be multiple reasons why

15:42

you don't feel emotionally safe . It could

15:44

be that there is emotional and psychological

15:47

and verbal abuse happening in the relationship . It

15:49

could be that every time you

15:51

try to share something vulnerably with your

15:53

partner , they either

15:56

pity you or

15:58

they make you feel worse or they

16:00

use it against you in some way . Again

16:02

, that's all pointing really towards emotional

16:04

abuse . There are ways that you can set

16:06

boundaries in that relationship

16:09

so that you can

16:11

start to discern for yourself whether

16:13

or not you want to try and stay in the

16:15

relationship and fix it which , by

16:17

the way , you

16:20

cannot fix anyone else . The

16:22

only person you can quote , unquote , fix

16:25

, is yourself . And let's be clear

16:27

you're not broken or damaged and you don't need

16:29

fixing necessarily . But there may

16:32

be things that you need to heal

16:34

, there may be things that you need to

16:36

recover from . There may be

16:38

limiting perceptions

16:41

of self that you hold

16:43

that are getting triggered in your relationships

16:45

, that need to be resolved in some way

16:48

. You might be getting into arguments with your

16:50

partner and these things might happen

16:52

over and over and over again , you continually finding

16:54

yourself triggered and it's because

16:56

they're triggering this limiting

16:59

belief that you hold and this

17:01

is gonna be very subconscious , so this might be something

17:03

that you're not consciously aware of that

17:07

points to you not being

17:09

lovable , or that you are not , that

17:11

you don't belong , that you

17:13

are not worthy , that you are not important

17:16

, that you are not valuable in some way . And

17:19

so those are the things that you can really

17:22

work on healing within

17:24

yourself so that you're not getting constantly triggered

17:26

in your relationships , and then you can work

17:29

on creating emotionally safety around that

17:31

. Once you're able to create emotionally safety

17:33

within yourself , to feel

17:35

your emotions and to understand

17:38

with awareness what it is

17:40

that's getting triggered within you and how you

17:43

can down regulate

17:45

yourself so that you're not so emotionally dysregulated

17:47

in your relationship , where

17:49

you're constantly arguing and

17:51

fighting with your partner , maybe over the same things over

17:54

and over again . So

17:56

what can you do in

17:58

your relationship if you're not feeling emotionally

18:00

safe ? Well , one of the things

18:02

you can do is what we call gray

18:05

rocking , and when

18:07

we talk about gray rocking , what we mean is

18:09

you respond

18:11

to your partner in a very non-emotional

18:14

way , and your responses

18:16

are as uninteresting as a

18:18

gray rock . Now , why

18:21

does this ? What does this have to do with boundaries . Well

18:24

, that's where the boundary comes in , right

18:26

. So , in other words , your partner

18:28

comes home from work . You've

18:30

had a really terrible day . You

18:32

have learned through an

18:35

ongoing pattern of sharing your

18:38

bad days with your partner , where

18:40

you never feel supported when

18:42

you share about your bad day , because maybe

18:44

your partner comes home and their

18:46

day is always so much worse than yours

18:48

and then you feel like , well , I guess my

18:51

day is not as bad , so I'm

18:53

just not gonna talk about it anymore , right

18:55

? You don't feel emotionally safe to even bring up the things

18:57

that you're struggling with , because it seems like your partner's

18:59

always struggling more than you are . Now

19:02

, that may not actually be the case . That may not

19:04

actually be the truth , because

19:06

maybe their day really wasn't worse than yours

19:08

, but your partner has

19:11

manipulated you in some

19:13

way or gaslit you into believing

19:16

that your

19:18

bad day is not nearly ever

19:20

as bad as their bad day , for

19:22

whatever reason . So in

19:24

that instance , your partner comes home from work

19:27

, they start telling you about

19:29

their bad day and instead of sharing

19:31

maybe what's going on for you or what maybe

19:33

you're struggling with as well , you

19:36

just gray rock them , right

19:38

? It's just , I'm sorry to hear you had a bad

19:40

day . That really stinks and

19:43

then that's it . Right , like you , just you're responding

19:45

very non-emotionally , you're acknowledging that

19:47

you heard them , maybe you're even

19:49

extending a little bit of empathy towards them , but

19:52

you're now not going to share vulnerably

19:55

what happened in your bad day , because

19:57

they might use it against you

19:59

or they might minimize your experience

20:02

and amplify theirs as

20:04

a way to keep the attention on

20:06

them . Because if this is an unhealthy person and

20:08

really when I'm talking about unhealthy people

20:10

, I'm talking about someone who has

20:12

a lot of narcissistic tendencies right

20:15

, they need all the attention all the time . They need

20:17

to feel like they're in control . They need

20:19

to feel loved and admired

20:21

and adored , right To support

20:24

their self-worth . And so , with

20:26

gray rocking , you're

20:28

not explicitly setting a

20:30

boundary , meaning that you're not

20:32

saying to your partner when I share

20:34

with you what I'm struggling with , I

20:37

would love to feel like I'm also being heard

20:39

and that what I'm going through

20:41

is also important and I

20:43

don't want to feel minimized in this relationship

20:46

. Right , that would be the setting

20:48

of a healthy boundary with a partner that is

20:50

healthy . With an unhealthy person

20:52

, you can't do that because

20:54

, like I said , it's going to get used against you , they

20:57

will find a way to take your vulnerability and

20:59

use it against you . So that's where gray rocking comes

21:01

in and it's an implicit boundary , right

21:03

? This is a boundary that you're setting internally

21:05

with yourself saying , okay , I'm no longer

21:07

going to be sharing emotionally vulnerable

21:10

things with

21:12

this partner or with this person

21:14

, because they've proven to me

21:16

that they're not a safe

21:18

person . They're not safe for

21:20

me to share these things . The other thing is is

21:23

that if in this unhealthy relationship

21:25

, there has been any kind

21:27

of coercive control . Coercive

21:30

control is where someone tries

21:33

to use their influence

21:35

, their power right

21:37

, their position of power . There's often a power

21:40

imbalance in the relationship . When this happens , they

21:42

are using financial control to

21:46

get you to behave or to

21:48

do certain things that you

21:51

really don't want to do , but

21:53

you feel powerless or you have

21:55

to succumb to this power dynamic where

21:58

they hold all the control and you don't

22:00

have any . So in that instance

22:02

, if you have a relationship where there is

22:04

coercive control , you may want to set

22:06

boundaries around , maybe physical

22:09

touch right , because

22:11

maybe that coercive control even

22:14

bleeds into bedroom dynamics

22:16

where maybe you've been left to feel as

22:18

though you're just like a means to an end

22:20

and they're not taking

22:22

into consideration what you want

22:25

or what you need . It's all about serving

22:28

them and their needs . So

22:30

maybe there needs to be boundaries , and

22:32

this would be more of an explicit boundary

22:34

around physical

22:37

touch and it might

22:39

even extend into

22:41

a boundary around

22:44

sleeping arrangements

22:46

. Right , maybe you need

22:48

to separate yourself physically

22:50

from them at night , when you're going to bed

22:52

, because maybe that's when some of these dynamics are

22:54

coming into play . So maybe it's you

22:57

feeling like , okay , I need to now sleep in a different room

22:59

. Right , I need to go sleep on the couch and

23:02

removing yourself from that and setting a boundary

23:04

around it . Or maybe you're asking

23:06

them to sleep in another bedroom

23:09

and obviously , depending on the relationship , will

23:11

depend on whether or not

23:13

you intuitively can feel into whether or not it's

23:15

safe for you to ask for them to sleep in a

23:17

different room or , more likely , maybe

23:19

just be willing to move

23:21

into another room yourself or sleep on the couch

23:23

. Maybe you'll have a physical boundary around

23:25

. You're not really feeling safe with

23:28

a hug or even a kiss , because it always leads to something

23:30

else and you feel coerced

23:33

into having to give in to that , and

23:35

that's okay . Maybe

23:37

it's an explicit

23:39

boundary around finances if

23:42

you are earning an income and

23:45

they are earning an income and

23:48

maybe

23:50

there's some sort of dynamic

23:52

where they're the ones that are controlling

23:55

how the money is spent . Well

23:57

, maybe you need to start setting boundaries around

23:59

how the money

24:02

gets treated . Maybe it's you getting more

24:04

involved in how the money is spent

24:06

or how the money is saved right

24:10

. So there's a lot of things that you can do when

24:12

you're in that messy middle of trying to figure out

24:15

, like do I want to continue

24:17

staying in this relationship and

24:19

settling for something less than you deserve , or

24:21

do you want to stay in it for

24:23

right now while you get your ducks in a row so

24:25

that you can safely exit this relationship ? It

24:28

does take courage , it

24:30

does take clarity , it

24:33

does take confidence to

24:36

pull the trigger and get

24:38

out of a relationship that maybe you've

24:40

been in for decades , or

24:43

a decade or more than

24:45

a couple of years . Right Like

24:47

, I'm not gonna say that one is worse or

24:50

better than the other , but the point is is

24:52

that sometimes we don't have

24:54

the courage to get out right away , and it also could be

24:56

because there are children involved . So

24:59

many women , I talk to stay in

25:01

unhealthy relationships for

25:03

a lot longer than they should because

25:06

of the kids . So initially the conversation

25:08

might look like I know I need to get out of

25:10

this , but I'm afraid of

25:13

what will happen to my children . I'm afraid

25:15

of the impact this is going to have . It's

25:17

not a good time . It's not a good time because

25:19

my kids are starting

25:21

middle school , they're starting high school , we're

25:24

moving , birthdays are coming up , holidays

25:26

are coming around , whatever it might be , there's never

25:29

a good time to get out of a unhealthy

25:32

relationship , especially when you have

25:34

children , or even if you don't , it

25:36

can be really hard , just like there's never a good

25:38

time to have children or

25:41

to get married , right , like , we do them

25:43

anyway and we figure it out . And that's

25:45

the same thing with getting out of a toxic relationship . But

25:48

sometimes we want to have

25:50

our ducks in a row . We want to have some sort

25:52

of clarity as to what's coming next

25:54

, because the uncertainty , that

25:56

fear of the unknown can keep us stuck

25:58

for a really long time . So by setting boundaries

26:01

, we are allowing ourselves

26:03

to feel

26:05

safe enough in

26:08

the meantime , while we

26:10

get our paperwork in order , while we

26:12

have consultations with attorneys

26:15

, while we speak to maybe

26:18

it's a financial advisor to help us

26:20

understand the financial picture more

26:23

accurately . Maybe it's while

26:25

we're doing the work on ourselves

26:27

with a therapist or a coach or both

26:29

. Give yourself some grace . I'm

26:32

not saying that setting boundaries

26:34

is gonna allow you to stay in the relationship long term

26:36

If you are experiencing

26:38

emotional pain

26:40

and spiritual pain , but

26:43

it can help you

26:46

get more comfortable

26:48

with what the outcome

26:50

is going to kind of look like . And while

26:52

we don't ever have a clear picture of

26:56

what the outcome is

26:58

going to look like while we're in the middle of it

27:00

right , we never know what the

27:02

transition's gonna look like on the other side , and

27:05

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that it's gonna

27:07

be easier , because

27:09

I don't think transition

27:11

is ever easy . However , you

27:13

can take steps to prepare yourself

27:16

so that you're not continuing

27:18

to get hurt as you're looking

27:20

to get out of the relationship . You

27:22

can minimize the ongoing

27:24

abuse or the ongoing

27:26

emotional pain that you're experiencing

27:28

in the relationship . So , because I said

27:31

I would , I'm going to just share with

27:33

you , real quick , a little bit more about the empowered

27:35

boundaries bootcamp . We're gonna

27:37

be walking through understanding

27:39

what boundaries are , different

27:41

types of boundaries , assessing our boundaries

27:43

to see like , well , which boundaries do we actually already

27:46

have and which ones do we need to improve

27:48

and where are we not setting boundaries

27:50

? Because sometimes what we find is we're really good

27:52

at setting boundaries , maybe at work , but

27:55

we're not so good at setting them in our personal life . Or

27:57

maybe we're really good at setting them with our partner

27:59

, but we're not very good at setting them with our children . We're

28:02

gonna be talking about learning how to set

28:04

clear limits by identifying what

28:06

our personal values are , by learning

28:08

how to set those boundaries effectively and handling

28:10

resistance right , because if you're

28:12

someone who's never set a boundary before , more

28:15

often than not what we see is that the people

28:17

closest to us , who were not used to us setting boundaries

28:20

, will start to push back . They're

28:22

going to resist it because they're not used to it , and

28:24

a lot of times , those are the people that we need

28:27

to be setting boundaries with . So

28:29

, being mindful of like well , who am I feeling

28:31

like I need to set more boundaries with ? What

28:33

am I protecting myself from ? What is it about this

28:36

relationship that makes me feel unsafe ? And

28:38

so if you notice that you're setting , or

28:40

want to set , a lot more boundaries

28:43

with , say , your partner , then

28:45

that might also be like a red flag that maybe

28:47

they're not a safe person for you , but

28:49

that's a story for another day and I

28:51

feel like we also just kind of talked about that a lot . We're

28:55

also going to be learning how to say no with confidence , by

28:57

overcoming the guilt and

28:59

that fear of rejection . We're going to

29:01

learn how to have assertive communication

29:03

around our boundaries right

29:06

so that we can again say no without feeling

29:08

guilty or anxious even . We're

29:11

going to learn how to navigate challenging relationships

29:13

right . So how do we set boundaries with the difficult people

29:15

? What do we do when somebody violates

29:18

one of our boundaries , and how do

29:20

we detach emotionally

29:22

from toxic relationships

29:24

and maintain our boundaries going forward

29:26

? And then we're going to talk about , like , maintaining our

29:28

healthy boundaries right . How do we have a practice

29:31

around maintaining and reaffirming

29:33

and reasserting our boundaries and

29:35

where do we need to maybe have a little bit more

29:38

self-reflection and reevaluation

29:41

around our boundaries ? Because what

29:43

you may find over time is that you

29:46

know , maybe as circumstances

29:48

change or maybe as new

29:50

information becomes available , maybe

29:53

you need to ease

29:55

up on some of your boundaries or maybe

29:57

you need to tweak them

29:59

a little bit , depending on the

30:01

person that you're holding these boundaries with

30:03

or the relationships or the types of relationships

30:06

that you have these boundaries in , and

30:08

we're also going to be celebrating

30:11

the boundaries that

30:13

you have maintained right

30:16

, that have helped you foster greater

30:19

growth and that make you feel more

30:21

empowered . Because when

30:23

we provide evidence to the mind

30:25

that the boundaries that we are setting are

30:27

keeping us safe , are making us

30:29

feel heard and seen and respected

30:31

and are helping us to create more

30:34

deeply meaningful relationships , then

30:36

it inspires us to keep

30:38

going , to keep doing a

30:40

good job of learning how to communicate

30:42

assertively what our boundaries are asking

30:44

for , what we need Right

30:47

, and that's just like a beautiful , beautiful thing . It helps

30:49

us build more confidence to

30:52

continue establishing and maintaining boundaries

30:54

and protecting our emotional

30:57

well-being and creating more

30:59

fulfilling and respectful relationships

31:01

in your life . So the Empower

31:04

Boundaries Bootcamp is only $147

31:06

. I personally think it's a steal because

31:08

it is chock full of content

31:10

, everything that I just mentioned . If

31:12

this is something that you feel like you'd also like

31:15

some one-on-one support with , then

31:17

you can also tack on , for an extra hundred

31:19

dollars , 90 minutes

31:21

of one-on-one support with me . So

31:23

for $247 , you

31:25

literally get the

31:28

entire bootcamp , the five modules

31:30

, which have multiple lessons in each of them , so it's

31:32

probably about 14 to 16 lessons

31:34

plus 90 minutes with

31:36

me to work one-on-one . The

31:39

90 minutes will be broken down into one 60-minute

31:41

session where we're really

31:43

kind of digging into which

31:45

boundaries need to be set . Where are

31:47

you struggling to articulate them right ? So

31:50

maybe we'll be talking a little bit about scripting

31:52

the boundaries , how to

31:54

communicate them in

31:57

some of these more difficult relationships , which

32:00

boundaries might need to be improved . So

32:02

a lot of times I find with clients , as we're doing

32:04

boundary work , they'll get kind of like

32:06

the first part of boundary setting

32:08

correct , but then they kind of forget about

32:10

the second part , which is the most important part

32:12

, which is where you're asking for what you need . So

32:15

they're very good at communicating what they don't want

32:17

, what they won't tolerate and how they felt

32:19

maybe , but they're not good at then communicating

32:21

well . This is what I need

32:23

in this instance to feel supported

32:26

, to feel seen , to feel loved , to feel respected

32:28

, and that's so important . And then

32:30

, after that 60-minute session

32:32

, we then have a 30-minute follow-up session after

32:34

you had some time to put into practice what we

32:36

talked about right , what you learned in

32:39

the bootcamp , what we've worked on one-on-one

32:41

, so that we can continue to

32:43

help you maintain those boundaries right

32:45

and tweak them when necessary

32:48

. It's a follow-up to make sure

32:50

that you are enforcing

32:52

and reasserting your

32:54

boundaries and giving you some more support around that , and

32:56

a lot of that work will be in that one-on-one

32:59

space . We'll also be around helping

33:01

you work with your nervous system , because

33:04

a lot of times when we start setting boundaries , we

33:06

can feel emotionally

33:08

triggered when they're not being

33:10

respected , which is again

33:13

going to happen with people that are not used

33:15

to you setting boundaries . So how do we learn

33:17

how to not emotionally

33:20

react when we're being triggered right ? How

33:22

do we create more space between the trigger

33:24

and our response ? And

33:27

that's how you're going to assertively

33:30

set your boundaries right , by doing

33:32

it from a rational , grounded

33:34

place where you're feeling safe . So I'm

33:36

going to be giving you then , in those one-on-one

33:38

sessions , some somatic tools to

33:40

help you down-regulate your nervous system . So

33:42

it's really a very , very powerful

33:45

, powerful practice . And , of

33:47

course , I hope that you got something out

33:49

of this episode , even if you don't join

33:51

us for Empowered Boundaries Bootcamp , perfectly

33:54

fine . And again , I didn't want this whole

33:56

episode to be a pitch , but I feel

33:58

so strongly and so passionately

34:00

about how this can really

34:02

have a meaningful impact on your relationships

34:04

, and even just

34:06

from a self-respect perspective

34:10

and self-trust right . So , as

34:12

you learn how to set these boundaries , you

34:14

are proving to your mind your

34:16

doubting mind that

34:19

you are able to keep yourself safe , that

34:21

you are able to get

34:23

respect from other people right , that you

34:26

are able to trust yourself to

34:28

take care of your emotional well-being

34:30

, to be your biggest advocate

34:33

for your emotional safety

34:35

, for your emotional well-being . That's so

34:37

important . So it's providing

34:40

that evidence right by doing this , by

34:42

setting boundaries , by practicing and

34:44

by seeing other people respond

34:46

to your boundaries in a way that makes

34:48

you feel valued in your relationships , makes

34:51

you feel seen and heard

34:53

and respected and loved

34:55

, is so important . So , again

34:58

, I could preach about this all day long

35:00

, but I hope that this

35:02

was helpful . If you have any questions

35:04

, please feel free to drop me

35:07

a voice note , send me an email , reach

35:09

out to me on social media , head

35:11

to the podcast website where you can contact

35:14

me in multiple , multiple ways and

35:16

that's stepping into meaningfulrelationshipscom

35:19

. Or again , reach

35:21

me at Instagram at Karissa Step . I'd love

35:23

to hear from you , I'd love to see you

35:25

inside of the boot camp and

35:27

I'd love to work with you 101 and help support

35:29

you through this , because it really is

35:31

very fundamental to creating healthy

35:34

relationships , so I

35:36

hope that helped . Until next week , everyone

35:38

be well . If you're hearing

35:40

this message , that means you've listened

35:42

all the way to the end , and for that

35:44

I am truly grateful . If you

35:47

enjoyed this episode and found it valuable , would

35:49

you mind leaving us a review ? Wherever you listen to podcasts

35:51

and sharing it with others ? If

35:53

you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or

35:55

human design reading , you can find me on

35:58

my website or on social media . Also

36:00

, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future

36:03

episode , please DM me . Be

36:05

sure to tune in next week for another episode of

36:07

Stepping into Meaningful Relationships .