0:09

Welcome to the Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships

0:11

podcast . I'm your host , carissa

0:14

Stepp . I'm a relationship and

0:16

human design coach , and this podcast

0:18

is designed to help you create a stronger

0:20

connection to yourself so you can

0:22

transform the relationships around you

0:24

, whether that be with your partner , a

0:26

friend , a parent , a child or

0:28

your business . We'll be looking at relationships

0:31

through the lens of human design , and

0:33

my guests and I will bring you the tools

0:35

, tips and tricks to create deeply meaningful

0:37

connections with others . But first

0:40

let's start with you . The

0:42

most important relationship you have is the one with

0:44

yourself . Thank you for tuning in

0:46

. Now let's get to today's episode . Hey

0:51

, hey , everyone . Welcome back to another

0:53

episode of Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships

0:55

. I'm your host , carissa Stepp , and

0:57

this is the podcast for you if you are looking

1:00

to improve your most important relationship

1:02

, which is the relationship with yourself . Today

1:05

, I want to talk about how to create supportive

1:07

relationships . Having supportive

1:10

relationships in your life is so

1:12

important . It is important for

1:14

improving the quality of your life . It

1:16

allows you to feel like you have

1:18

people in your life that are emotionally

1:20

safe , that you can go to when you do

1:22

need support , because , let's

1:25

face it , at the end of the day , you're

1:27

not going to reach out to every single person

1:29

you know . When you're struggling , you need to

1:31

know who it is that you feel safe enough

1:34

to connect with , to reach

1:36

out to , who's going to be your lifeline

1:38

, who you're going to raise your hand

1:40

and say , hey , I'm struggling , I need help

1:42

. And so if you're finding that

1:45

you have surrounded yourself with

1:47

a lot of toxic people in your life because you've

1:49

attracted them into your life as a result

1:51

of maybe being a people pleaser

1:53

or maybe being someone who just overcares

1:56

for everybody else , then it's really

1:58

important that you start to understand

2:00

how to cultivate more

2:03

supportive relationships . Otherwise

2:07

, you can end up feeling really alone

2:09

and very disconnected , and

2:11

when we feel disconnected , it can

2:14

cause things like anxiety

2:16

and depression and leave

2:18

us feeling as though we are really

2:20

alone in our experience of life

2:22

, and that is the last thing that I

2:24

want for you . So

2:27

how do we begin to create

2:29

supportive relationships

2:31

? Well , it involves

2:34

a profound journey that

2:36

includes self-awareness

2:38

, empathy and effective

2:40

communication . So let's dig

2:43

just a little bit deeper into each of

2:45

those Self-awareness . It's

2:47

really important , number one , that

2:49

you understand your

2:52

emotional triggers and your emotional

2:54

landscape . A lot of us , especially

2:57

if we've had a lot of toxic relationships

2:59

. In our life , we tend to

3:01

live in

3:03

survival mode for the

3:06

large majority of our

3:08

given day , of our day to day , and

3:11

maybe you've noticed that you have been in survival mode

3:13

for a really long time where

3:15

you're just trying to get through , you're

3:17

just trying to get to the next thing . You're not

3:19

able to really be focused and be

3:21

present and enjoy and to savor

3:23

the moments throughout

3:26

the day where you have these incredible experiences

3:29

, maybe with your children or with

3:31

another friend . And so it's important

3:33

that you begin to recognize that

3:36

you're living in this fight-or-flight

3:38

state where you're just waiting

3:40

for the next shoot-a-drop , where you are

3:43

constantly walking on eggshells , where

3:45

you're always trying to put out the next fire

3:47

. So when we learn how

3:49

to tune into what our

3:51

emotional triggers are , when we learn how to

3:54

work with our nervous

3:56

system by learning how to regulate

3:59

our emotions

4:01

so that we can better manage

4:03

stress and be

4:05

less reactive , it

4:08

allows us to be more mindful in

4:11

how we are connecting with other people , and

4:14

when we're mindful and we're more present

4:16

and we're more calm and we're more grounded when

4:19

we're interacting with other people , we

4:21

then begin to create a sense of safety

4:23

within us to be our authentic

4:25

selves . So we can't create

4:28

healthy , supportive

4:31

relationships if we are walking

4:33

around masking ourselves all of the time

4:35

and

4:37

when we live in a state

4:39

of fight-or-flight or in survival mode

4:41

. Sometimes

4:44

the reason why we're doing that is

4:46

because we have learned

4:49

to people please over time

4:51

in order to get the acceptance

4:54

, the love

4:56

, the validation , the recognition , the attention

4:58

from other people . Because

5:00

when we make them happy or

5:02

when we serve their needs ahead of

5:04

our own , then it feels

5:07

like they accept us , it

5:09

feels like we have a place

5:11

where we belong . And

5:13

what we might realize over time is that we end up

5:15

in relationships where people are just constantly taking

5:17

, taking , taking and taking from us , as opposed

5:20

to being in a very balanced

5:23

relationship where there's equal give

5:25

and take . So when we're

5:28

able to feel safe and create that

5:30

safety within us by

5:33

learning how to down regulate our nervous system

5:35

into what we call a ventral

5:37

, vagal state , then

5:40

we can connect with people in

5:42

a way where we are not just reacting

5:44

all of the time , and

5:47

some of that reaction might be saying yes when we want to say

5:49

no . It allows us to actually

5:51

slow things down and

5:54

respond and

5:56

interact with people in

5:58

an authentic way , in

6:01

a meaningful way , in

6:04

a way in which we feel comfortable

6:07

saying what

6:09

we mean , how we feel , what we

6:11

believe , what

6:13

we want . It's also really important

6:15

to cultivate

6:18

your abilities to empathetically

6:20

listen to others , and

6:22

when you become an active , empathetic

6:24

listener , what that means is

6:26

not only are you listening

6:29

to what they have to say , but

6:32

you're understanding how to appropriately

6:34

respond to them in

6:37

a way where they feel like they're

6:39

being truly understood as well , because

6:42

when you do that , then they feel safe

6:44

in the relationship , which allows you

6:46

both to begin

6:48

to communicate in a much more

6:50

vulnerable way , and

6:52

that vulnerability leads to

6:55

stronger connections where

6:57

they're going to learn how

6:59

to listen to you

7:02

and respond back to you in a

7:04

way that's empathetic

7:06

, that feels like you're understood . And

7:09

when two people are hearing

7:12

each other , seeing each other , understanding

7:15

each other right , and they feel seen and

7:17

heard and understood , then that

7:19

relationship becomes a supportive relationship

7:22

, because now you're like oh okay , I

7:25

understand where you're coming from , I

7:27

know how to support you in this , because you've

7:29

learned how to communicate back to them

7:31

. What it is that you need because now you feel

7:33

safe , and so the

7:37

thing is is that you also need to learn how

7:39

to validate

7:41

and acknowledge your own emotions

7:43

as well . Because

7:45

when you're able to tune into what

7:48

it is that you're feeling maybe

7:51

why you're feeling a certain way and

7:53

validating that , okay , this feeling is legitimate

7:55

, it makes sense . And sometimes

7:57

we do need to dig a little bit deeper to understand . Okay

8:00

, I'm feeling this right now , but what does this

8:02

mean ? Right , what am I making

8:04

this mean ? What's the

8:06

deeper , underlying motivation

8:08

behind this , right ? Or what am I ? What is being triggered

8:10

in this moment that I need to understand

8:13

better ? Because it allows me the opportunity to get to know

8:15

myself better . And when you get to know yourself

8:17

better , then you can show up more authentically

8:19

in the relationship and share that

8:21

with someone else , as

8:23

opposed to taking on the emotions of other

8:25

people . Because if you know how you're feeling

8:28

emotionally , then you

8:30

don't get swept away by someone else's emotional

8:32

say , maybe dysregulation and you also

8:34

need to be able to validate and acknowledge

8:36

the emotions of other people . So

8:39

as we learn how to do that for ourselves , we can get better

8:41

at doing that for other people as well . Empathy

8:44

is really one of those things that can be taught , so

8:46

it's something that you can learn . It's never too late

8:48

to learn . It's something that you can teach your children . And

8:51

so when you learn how to cultivate

8:54

empathy first of all your

8:56

own self-empathy , but then empathy

8:58

for others then you're

9:00

going to start to connect with people in

9:02

a more meaningful and a deeper way and

9:05

maybe teach them how to be

9:07

more empathetic as well as

9:09

a result , or at least feeling safe

9:11

right with sharing their emotions

9:13

and everything like that . So

9:15

a big part of this also is obviously having

9:18

tools for clear and

9:20

compassionate communication , having those

9:22

active listening skills to avoid any

9:24

kind of misunderstandings and addressing

9:27

any communication patterns that may have resulted

9:29

from past trauma , because

9:31

a lot of us , you know , probably grew

9:33

up in homes where maybe conflict

9:36

resolution wasn't really a thing , or

9:39

maybe our parents' skills at resolving

9:41

conflict were not very effective

9:43

or were not very good or very healthy , and

9:45

so sometimes we have to relearn how

9:48

to communicate , especially

9:50

when it comes to addressing conflict

9:52

. It's also really good and

9:54

helpful if you are good at setting boundaries

9:56

, because when you're setting boundaries in your relationships

9:58

, what you are doing is you are effectively

10:01

sharing with others what it is you're willing

10:03

to tolerate , what it is you're not willing

10:05

to tolerate . It's also your way

10:07

of communicating what you do need

10:09

in certain moments , as opposed

10:12

to , perhaps maybe what happened historically

10:14

or what has happened in the past . It's

10:16

also your opportunity to

10:18

share vulnerably about how you're

10:21

feeling and then maybe

10:23

asking for the support

10:25

that you need in those moments when you are struggling . So

10:28

learning how to recognize

10:31

what boundaries you need to have in place

10:33

and then setting them is a really important

10:35

step in trying to create

10:38

more supportive relationships around you . And

10:40

it's also important that you look at , maybe

10:43

, where you are not setting boundaries

10:45

in relationships , and

10:47

maybe those relationships where you're not setting appropriate

10:50

boundaries is where you're not feeling supported . So

10:52

how can you flip that script ? How can you change that ? How

10:55

can you maybe change the trajectory

10:58

of that relationship ? If it's with a healthy person

11:00

, of course , we're not mentioning that you'd try

11:02

to do this with someone who's toxic , unhealthy

11:04

, like a narcissist , because your

11:06

personal boundaries again are going to allow

11:09

you to communicate safely

11:11

, in a way , what you

11:13

need to feel supported , and

11:15

then also it's going to allow the person

11:18

on the other end of that relationship to do the same exact

11:20

thing . They'll feel safe than

11:22

setting boundaries and communicating

11:24

what they need in order to feel supported . And

11:27

so obviously like , yes , you want to create supportive

11:29

relationships with other people so that you feel supported , but

11:32

you also want it to go the other way as well

11:34

, where the other person's also feeling supported

11:36

by you in a way that's appropriate

11:38

and in a way that feels good for them . Because

11:40

, even if we think about the different

11:43

love languages , we all receive

11:45

and give love in different ways , so

11:47

something that might feel supportive for you

11:49

may not actually feel supportive for somebody

11:51

else . An example of that

11:53

might be you and

11:55

your partner get into an argument and

11:58

perhaps , when

12:00

you are feeling triggered , one

12:02

of the things that helps you down-regulate and helps you

12:05

feel better is getting a hug

12:07

from your partner . Just that reassurance

12:09

of that hug makes you feel so much better

12:11

, knowing that , yes , you're having an

12:13

argument , yes , there is something that you need to talk

12:16

about and resolve . However

12:18

, your partner's not going anywhere right . They're

12:20

not leaving you , they're not abandoning you , because perhaps

12:22

maybe one of your biggest core wounds is that

12:24

fear of abandonment , that

12:26

fear of rejection . Now

12:29

, your partner , on the other hand , when

12:31

they're triggered , the last thing they

12:33

may want is a hug . As

12:35

a matter of fact , the hug is going to feel really uncomfortable

12:38

for them and they might even

12:40

push you away , which is going to make you feel

12:42

even more triggered . Right , it'll just escalate the

12:44

conflict . Maybe

12:47

what your partner needs when they're triggered is

12:49

a little bit of space . Again

12:52

, how we communicate , that is by setting

12:54

boundaries and by saying things like hey

12:56

, I was really triggered in that conversation

12:59

. What would have felt good and supportive

13:01

for me if you were open to it is

13:04

getting a hug from you . Of

13:06

course , this doesn't have to necessarily be the conflict just

13:09

between the two of you . It could just be that you're triggered

13:11

by something else that happened during your day , right , something

13:14

that happened at work , something that happened with your children , something that happened

13:16

with a friend , another family member

13:18

, whatever it might be . Boundaries

13:21

really helps us open up the lines of communication

13:23

, but be able to do

13:25

that in a way that is

13:27

effective and helpful and

13:30

supportive . The

13:32

other thing is really learning how to assert

13:35

yourself in your relationship

13:37

and in the way in which you're communicating , so

13:39

that you can express your needs

13:41

and desires respectfully . Number

13:43

one , but number two , so that you

13:46

feel heard , because so

13:48

many times when people set boundaries , especially

13:50

people pleasers will set a boundary

13:52

and then someone might resist pushback or

13:55

respond in a way that

13:57

makes us feel , for some reason that it's

13:59

not safe to continue to enforce that

14:01

boundary . One of the first things that the

14:03

people pleaser will do is back down or

14:06

compromise right away . Sometimes

14:09

that's not the answer and that's not the way that you're

14:11

going to feel seen and heard as

14:14

a result . What also can happen

14:16

is you start to lose your sense

14:18

of self-trust because

14:20

your body

14:23

is like I need this boundary to feel

14:25

safe . Your mind

14:27

you have verbally spoken with that

14:29

boundary is , but the second that you back down

14:31

, the mind and body disconnect

14:34

. The mind is like oh no , no , we're not

14:36

safe . All the fear , all the fear

14:38

comes up , all that confusion , and immediately

14:40

the first thing we do is like oh , I have to back down because it's

14:42

going to create conflict and I'm not comfortable

14:44

with conflict , especially people pleasers . People

14:47

pleasers are not comfortable with conflict and confrontation

14:49

, so their immediate

14:51

response is back down and

14:54

the body is left being like hey , wait a second

14:57

. I thought you were protecting us here . This

14:59

wasn't a safe situation . We

15:01

wanted that boundary to keep us safe . What

15:04

happened ? So then there's

15:06

a disconnect . What happens is , over

15:08

time , the more and more we back down on our boundaries

15:11

, the more and more we

15:13

lose trust in our

15:15

ability to keep ourselves safe

15:17

. As

15:20

a result , we start to

15:22

not connect more deeply

15:24

with other people because

15:26

we're not laying the foundation

15:29

to create that supportive relationship

15:31

or to attract in

15:33

the people that are safe to have those

15:35

supportive relationships with . Because then we start attracting

15:38

people into our lives that

15:40

Most likely know

15:42

that we're going to back down on our boundaries and that we are

15:44

doormats and they can walk all over us and it's okay

15:46

because we will allow it . That's

15:49

not to say that we're giving them

15:51

permission to necessarily

15:54

. However , when we don't

15:56

enforce our boundaries , we

15:59

make it very easy for them to continue to disrespect

16:02

us . So , taking responsibility

16:04

for knowing that it's your job to assert

16:07

your boundaries , it's your job to lay

16:09

the foundation and the groundwork to ensure

16:11

that the relationships that you are giving

16:14

your time and your energy to are healthy . The

16:17

other way that we can create supportive relationships

16:19

is really by gosh

16:21

going on a journey of self-discovery and

16:24

understanding who you are and what it

16:26

is that you need . Some of the ways that I like

16:28

to do this with clients is

16:30

by using human design , because human

16:32

design allows us to see ourselves through a different

16:34

lens . That's unbiased , it's

16:38

not conditioned by other people's

16:40

expectations , or not even conditioned

16:42

by our responses to some

16:44

sort of random questionnaire . That's very subjective

16:47

. It's based on our birth date

16:49

, time and place . It's very subjective

16:51

. So we can look at the chart and we can start to understand

16:54

. Okay , this is how my emotional energy

16:56

works . This is how I'm meant to communicate

16:59

, this is how I'm meant to get to my clarity

17:01

when I'm struggling with something

17:03

that maybe I'm feeling a little bit lost or confused

17:05

on . And so , by going on

17:08

this deep self-discovery journey

17:10

to understand who you are truly

17:12

and you're able to self-reflect

17:14

and cultivate a

17:16

deep sense of empowerment

17:18

and value and worth , then

17:20

that helps you build meaningful connections

17:22

that are worthy of you . It

17:25

allows you to track people into your life that are

17:27

going to treat you with respect , because now you

17:29

know that you're worthy of only

17:32

engaging with people and only interacting with

17:34

people and only giving your time and your energy and

17:36

your love to people

17:38

who are going to respect

17:40

you value . You see

17:43

, you hear , you understand you or take the time

17:45

to try and understand you . And

17:48

then also the other thing is learning

17:50

how to build resilience . Building

17:53

resilience within you allows you to

17:56

have supportive relationships so that when

17:58

you are going through things

18:00

that you're struggling with , when you're going through the

18:03

curveballs that life throws at you

18:05

, you're able to still

18:07

show up for the people in your life and not

18:09

get lost in , maybe

18:11

, a quagmire of self-pity

18:14

or in a quagmire of only viewing

18:17

and focusing on what you're going

18:19

through . It allows you to be

18:21

resilient so that you can still

18:24

have supportive relationships

18:26

around you , but also to put a

18:28

hand out and say , hey , I need help

18:30

, can you help pull me out of this ? I need a little bit

18:32

of support . And it's not that it's their

18:34

job to pull you out , but it's kind of like can

18:36

you just hold my hand as I go through this and

18:40

just be here to listen . And

18:43

that doesn't mean vent about everything going on in your life

18:45

, because that's going to feel really draining for

18:47

the other person , but it's more of

18:49

hey , can you allow me to talk things

18:51

out and maybe ask me some really good questions

18:54

so that I can figure out my next step . All

18:56

right , so I can figure out how to resolve

18:59

this , or so that I can figure

19:01

out where else I can seek the

19:03

tools that I need or the support that

19:05

I need , maybe professionally , from somebody

19:07

else . So , finding ways

19:09

to create resilience within yourself

19:12

. Finding ways to cultivate

19:14

even joy within you is

19:17

also important because , especially

19:19

for people pleasers , where we're constantly

19:21

pinning our happiness on someone

19:23

else or something else and

19:25

where we are also feeling responsible

19:27

for other people's happiness , we

19:30

have to learn how to do that within

19:33

us . So stop chasing the shiny

19:35

gold object . When

19:37

you find that deep joy within you

19:39

, you no longer look for

19:41

it outside of yourself and , as a result

19:43

, you can create supportive relationships

19:46

where you're not

19:48

becoming overly dependent

19:51

on somebody else and

19:53

where someone else is not becoming overly

19:55

dependent on you . You're then

19:57

allowing yourself to create a very interdependent

20:00

relationship , which

20:02

is a supportive relationship

20:05

. So I hope this

20:07

helps . I hope that I've provided you

20:09

with some kind of framework to help you navigate

20:11

how to begin

20:13

to create very supportive relationships

20:16

in your life , so that you don't feel

20:18

alone , so that you don't feel like you're attracting

20:20

all of the wrong people . The work

20:22

really begins within you first

20:25

, and then it allows you to

20:27

more meaningfully as we

20:29

say all the time connect with other people

20:31

. Happy New Year everyone . Till next

20:33

week , be well . If you're hearing

20:35

this message , that means you've listened

20:38

all the way to the end , and for that

20:40

I am truly grateful . If you

20:42

enjoyed this episode and found it valuable , would

20:44

you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts

20:46

and sharing it with others ? If

20:49

you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or

20:51

human design reading , you can find me on

20:53

my website or on social media . Also

20:55

, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future

20:58

episode , please DM me . Be

21:00

sure to tune in next week for another episode of

21:02

Stepping into Meaningful Relationships .