0:09

Welcome to the Stepping Into Meaningful Relationships

0:11

podcast . I'm your host , carissa

0:14

Stepp . I'm a relationship and

0:16

human design coach , and this podcast

0:18

is designed to help you create a stronger

0:20

connection to yourself so you can

0:22

transform the relationships around you

0:25

, whether that be with your partner , a friend , a

0:27

parent , a child or your business . We'll

0:30

be looking at relationships through the lens of human

0:32

design , and my guests and I will

0:34

bring you the tools , tips and tricks to

0:36

create deeply meaningful connections with others

0:38

. But first let's start

0:40

with you . The most important relationship

0:43

you have is the one with yourself . Thank

0:45

you for tuning in . Now let's get to today's

0:47

episode . Hey

0:51

, hey , everyone . Welcome back to another

0:53

episode . I'm your host , carissa Stepp , and

0:55

this is the podcast for you If you are

0:57

looking to improve your most important

1:00

relationship , which is the relationship with

1:02

yourself . When we do that , it

1:04

allows us to create deeper and more meaningful

1:06

connections with others . So today

1:08

we're back for a solo episode

1:11

, and I'm going to try to keep this short

1:13

and brief , because I know this time of year

1:15

can be really crazy and we

1:17

don't have a lot of time . However

1:20

, perhaps , maybe , this is something that you

1:22

might want to listen to while you're wrapping presents

1:24

or running some of your errands . Today

1:27

, we're going to be talking about how

1:30

toxic people can ruin the

1:32

holiday season Because

1:35

, specifically , narcissists in particular

1:37

often are known

1:40

for ruining the holidays or any

1:42

other big event , whether it's your birthday

1:44

, your child's birthday , some

1:47

sort of milestone event in

1:49

someone's life that's close to them . So

1:52

I wanted to just share a little bit about how

1:54

narcissistic behaviors can manifest

1:57

potentially during holidays , during

1:59

family gatherings , and give you some real

2:01

life examples of what that looks like . They

2:03

might use attention-stealing

2:05

presents , meaning that a

2:08

narcissistic family member might be

2:10

the one who gives the most extravagant

2:12

gift to a

2:15

loved one , and it's not out

2:17

of genuine generosity

2:19

, but really as a way

2:21

to outshine others by

2:24

presenting some ostentatious

2:26

gift and making sure that

2:28

it's opened last or that there's a lot of

2:30

attention or focus

2:32

on oh my gosh , what is this big gift

2:34

that you have ? Because they're probably going

2:36

to be talking about it and being like oh my god , I got you the

2:38

best thing ever . I can't wait for you to open

2:40

it . Wait until everyone else opens

2:42

their presents and then you can open

2:44

this one , because it's like something that I really want to

2:46

make sure you enjoy

2:49

, or that it gets highlighted

2:51

in the experience , and

2:54

so what they'll do is they will highlight

2:56

to everyone else in the room , potentially

2:58

or just to you , about

3:01

how expensive it is or how rare

3:03

it is , or how they spent so much time putting

3:06

all this attention and seeking

3:08

out the best possible gift for

3:10

you . Because what happens is , when

3:13

they do that , they're actually

3:15

, in effect , turning the attention back on themselves

3:17

, right , and they're looking for

3:19

that external validation , whether it's

3:21

from you or from the other people in the room

3:23

. They're looking for everyone

3:26

else to be like oh my gosh , I can't believe you did that

3:28

. That was such an amazing present , right ? Because

3:31

it makes them feel really good , it makes them feel

3:33

like they're super important , it makes them

3:35

feel like they're really valuable

3:38

and how unique and special

3:40

and different and kind and generous

3:43

they are , and those are all things that will

3:45

fill the holes of the

3:47

narcissist's soul , right ? It

3:49

boosts their ego and that's

3:51

what they're looking for . They

3:54

might also try to undermine other

3:57

people's achievements , right ? So , for

3:59

example , perhaps maybe you

4:01

guys are sitting at dinner for the

4:03

holidays and a family member

4:05

has achieved a personal milestone

4:07

Maybe it's your child , maybe you're

4:09

so proud of them and you happen to be sharing

4:12

with someone that your child got

4:14

this special , amazing recognition

4:17

whether it was at school for high marks , or

4:19

maybe in the sport that they play or

4:21

some other kind of activity that they do

4:23

and the narcissist

4:25

will come in and try to downplay

4:27

or overshadow the accomplishment

4:30

or try to make it seem

4:32

like it's not that big of a deal , which

4:35

is really just belittling the

4:37

child . In this example , right . This

4:40

also can happen between simulings

4:42

. If you happen to have a narcissistic simuling right

4:45

. For example , perhaps

4:47

the narcissist's brother or sister

4:49

is sharing news about a brand new job

4:51

promotion that they just got , or maybe it

4:53

is a new job

4:55

that they are going to be stepping into in the new year

4:57

where they have increased responsibility

5:00

and they're getting an increase in their pay . Well

5:02

, the narcissist is going to respond

5:05

potentially by bringing up their own achievements

5:07

or suggesting that it's not a big

5:09

deal compared to what they've accomplished

5:12

. Again , I hope you're starting to

5:14

see the pattern here that the narcissist

5:16

is going to constantly try to turn

5:18

the attention back on them . They

5:21

might even demand center stage . They

5:24

love being the focal point

5:27

of celebrations , right ? Especially

5:29

when we think about a grandiose narcissist

5:31

. Now , if you're dealing with a covert

5:33

narcissist , they are more likely not

5:36

to demand center stage in that way , but

5:38

they will try to undercut others , potentially

5:41

with their behavior . Some of that

5:43

behavior could actually look like acting

5:46

like the victim , or it

5:48

could be them sulking in the corner when

5:50

they're not getting any kind of attention

5:53

or recognition for perhaps maybe this

5:55

big thoughtful gift that they have

5:57

bestowed upon someone else . It

6:00

can show up in a couple of different ways . The

6:02

covert narcissist might also do things

6:04

like making you feel

6:06

uncomfortable having

6:08

your family over to the house , because

6:11

maybe they have decided

6:13

to triangulate between

6:15

you and your family for some

6:18

reason , because they're trying to put some distance between

6:20

you and your family , because when they

6:22

do that , they isolate you . When

6:24

they isolate you , they then are able to continue

6:27

to maintain control and power over

6:29

you , because then you're less likely

6:31

to go to other people and start talking about

6:34

some of the things that are happening in your relationship that

6:36

maybe are toxic . The

6:38

narcissist is afraid that someone else is going

6:40

to highlight for you that what you are experiencing

6:43

is not okay , that it's unhealthy , that

6:45

it's unsafe . We

6:47

can see a little bit of a variation between

6:49

how maybe a covert and an overt

6:51

narcissist might show up during the

6:53

holidays . But be really mindful

6:55

of where perhaps the

6:58

covert narcissist is trying to

7:00

pull you away from family and friends , or

7:02

where they're pouting over or not getting

7:05

something from you . That

7:08

could even be sexual

7:10

favors . It could be that they

7:12

feel like you've maybe spent

7:14

more time or money or given more attention

7:16

to the children over the

7:18

holiday , where they felt like you

7:20

didn't care about them or you

7:22

didn't spend as much on them or your gift

7:24

wasn't as thoughtful as their gift was

7:27

towards you . These are different

7:29

ways in which the covert narcissist

7:31

is going to try to keep that attention on themselves

7:33

, but in a much more subtle

7:35

way . If

7:39

it's an overt narcissist , where

7:41

they're going to try and demand center siege is

7:44

by maybe interrupting someone

7:46

else's toast or celebration speech

7:48

to share their own anecdotes or again

7:50

achievements , or making the moment

7:52

somehow about them . Another

7:55

example might be maybe you've done

7:57

all the cooking for the holiday meal and you're hosting everyone

8:00

at your house . Someone

8:02

recognizes that it was a lot of work and

8:04

perhaps maybe they're thanking you . Thank you

8:06

so much . This meal was incredible . You

8:08

did such a great job . I

8:11

know this was a lot of work and I

8:13

really appreciate it because we've had the best time

8:15

ever . Well , the narcissist might

8:17

come in and be like , hey , but

8:19

I'm the one who cleaned the house and I'm

8:21

the one who got you that drink . I'm the cocktail

8:23

really good , that signature cocktail that I created

8:26

just for the special day . You'll

8:29

see that the narcissist might try to come in

8:31

and either downplay what you've done and

8:33

be like , oh , you did a pretty good job , last year's

8:35

was better . Or they may say , oh , yeah

8:37

, sure , she did a great job cooking and everything

8:39

. But you should have seen how stressed

8:41

out she was just before everyone walked in

8:43

the door and how she was screaming and yelling

8:46

because the house wasn't clean yet and you guys

8:48

were arriving in 15 minutes . They

8:50

find a way to undermine you , to

8:52

diminish you , to diminish maybe

8:54

the effort that you put in , and they find

8:56

a way to sort of just highlight and

8:59

bring back again that attention

9:01

and recognition to themselves . The

9:05

narcissist might also feel

9:07

unnoticed if you're

9:09

the one who's putting in all the effort

9:11

to make the holiday really nice , right

9:13

, and so maybe

9:16

the narcissist tries to create

9:19

some sort of conflict or drama

9:21

to draw the attention back to themselves

9:23

. So that's a little bit like what I was talking about

9:25

before with the covert narcissist where

9:28

they start to make it all about them . They might

9:30

say things like you know , I'm really not comfortable going

9:32

over to your sister's house . You know they're never welcoming

9:34

to me or they always make me feel

9:37

like I'm not part of the family , I feel like

9:39

I'm ostracized or I'm left out in

9:41

some way . And so , as a result

9:43

, you know , if you're a very empathic person

9:45

, you might say oh my goodness , I'm so sorry

9:47

, I didn't know that you felt that way . I'll say

9:50

something , you know , I'll mention it to them that

9:52

you want to feel like you're being included . Or

9:54

if I notice that you're sitting alone in the other

9:56

room , then you know , I'll come over and I'll chat with you . Or

9:59

the narcissist might just go over to

10:01

a corner of the house or another

10:04

corner of a different room and hide

10:06

quote unquote until someone comes to

10:08

find them , to ask them are they okay ? And

10:11

to find out what happened . Is

10:13

something wrong ? And again

10:15

, this is just the way of them keeping

10:18

your attention in some way on

10:20

them as opposed to focusing

10:22

on everybody else . They might even

10:24

just start an argument over a really trivial

10:27

matter and make very

10:29

provocative statements to incite

10:31

some sort of emotional reaction from you

10:33

right , they might just start pushing buttons

10:36

as a way to get you to

10:38

react in a

10:40

perhaps , maybe dysregulated

10:43

kind of way , right , and

10:45

, as a result , they might do

10:47

that even in front of other people just

10:50

to show others that maybe they're not the

10:52

crazy one , especially

10:54

if they know that you have been sharing with

10:56

close family what's been happening

10:58

in the relationship , especially if they

11:00

know that potentially you have

11:03

been talking about them behind their backs

11:05

to get support from your

11:07

close family over some of the unhealthy

11:10

behaviors that exist in the relationship . So

11:12

they're going to try to make you emotionally

11:15

overreact to something so

11:17

that they can point the finger and see

11:19

she's the crazy one . See , this is

11:21

what I have to deal with . It's not

11:23

me , it's her . And

11:26

so , again , this is a way that they can focus

11:28

and shift the attention either

11:31

onto them , by creating the drama

11:33

and having people offer their

11:35

sympathy to them , or

11:38

they try to use other tactics that

11:40

will keep your attention on

11:42

them so that they get all

11:45

of the love and the recognition and all of that

11:47

from you . They might also just

11:49

be selectively generous with

11:51

certain people within the family

11:53

, right , they might use gift giving as

11:55

a way to manipulate and control

11:58

some of those relationships by

12:01

giving lavish gifts to some family

12:03

members while maybe neglecting others

12:05

. That creates a very

12:07

awkward dynamic right when

12:09

individuals then will vie for

12:11

the narcissist's favorite . And we can see

12:14

this a lot of times , especially in dysfunctional

12:16

families , where maybe there is a golden

12:18

child in the family and

12:20

the narcissist might give

12:23

extravagant gifts to the golden child

12:25

, whereas maybe the scapegoat of the family

12:27

or the troublemaker of the family gets

12:30

something a lot less . And

12:33

so we can see that even as adults

12:35

, right with our older parents as well

12:37

, where again maybe there is a child

12:39

who's favored , and so that

12:41

becomes very clear sometimes when

12:44

they are very strategic with how

12:46

they are or what they are giving as gifts

12:48

. The

12:50

narcissist might also insist on controlling

12:52

holiday traditions and rituals

12:54

, disregarding the preferences of

12:56

other people . So maybe they

12:59

are dictating the entire schedule of events

13:01

, or they're insisting on hosting every

13:03

holiday gatherings , that they have control over the situation

13:05

, and maybe they dismiss other people's

13:07

suggestions . Or maybe

13:09

other people are like , hey , I'll volunteer and

13:12

bring a side and a dessert , and

13:14

the narcissist is like , no , no , no , we've got it covered

13:16

, because they want to control every little aspect

13:18

. Now , some of this

13:20

that I'm talking about right now may

13:23

also just be someone who likes to kind of be in control

13:25

, and not in an unhealthy way

13:28

necessarily . Maybe they have really

13:30

strong feelings around the holidays

13:32

about things that they would like to

13:34

recreate for their children

13:36

, right ? Or there's very

13:38

meaningful family traditions that they'd like

13:40

to hold on to , and that's OK . However

13:43

, that being said , if you are hosting

13:46

people at your home , or even

13:48

in a relationship where there's a marriage

13:50

of two people coming together with two

13:52

different family traditions , then

13:54

being open to sharing and picking

13:57

and choosing which family traditions

13:59

from each of your childhoods make sense

14:01

to bring into

14:04

your family dynamic with your children

14:06

, that should be really a discussion between

14:08

the two of you and not just someone controlling

14:11

and dictating . Well , this is how it's always been done in

14:13

my family , or this is how I did it as a child

14:15

, and this is how it needs to be going forward

14:17

and not allowing you to bring

14:19

in any of your family traditions and rituals

14:21

. There can also be potentially

14:24

a situation where the narcissist

14:27

might try to humiliate

14:29

you in public settings in

14:31

an attempt to exert their dominance

14:34

and their superiority right

14:36

, so that could look like making derogatory

14:38

comments about you or another

14:40

family member's appearance or

14:42

personal choices during a

14:44

gathering , which would obviously cause very

14:47

deep embarrassment and potentially even shame

14:49

. And that can happen at

14:51

a holiday party , right , this doesn't have to necessarily

14:53

just be at a holiday dinner with family

14:55

. This can happen anywhere , and

14:57

that's obviously not a healthy

14:59

situation . If you're with somebody who is trying

15:02

to publicly humiliate you in front of other people , well

15:04

then that's not someone who's respecting

15:06

you , that's not someone who's valuing you and

15:09

of course , that is going

15:11

to , I hope , cause

15:13

a red flag in your mind of being like yeah

15:15

, that happens a lot and this needs

15:17

to stop and now I need to set a boundary around

15:20

it . It can also go

15:22

the other way , where the narcissist

15:24

this is more when they're covert may

15:27

actually try to play the victim

15:30

in front of other people . They might

15:32

go into a public setting

15:34

and try to garner

15:36

sympathy from other people for what

15:39

they're experiencing . They try to

15:41

minimize , maybe , something that you're

15:43

experiencing , but then try

15:45

to get all of the attention and the focus

15:48

on them for what they're going

15:50

through , right , they try to make it sound like it's

15:52

so much worse , for whatever reason . The narcissist

15:54

might also take these family

15:58

gatherings as an

16:00

opportunity to create

16:02

further divisions within

16:05

the family by using triangulation

16:07

and also trying to find

16:09

allies within the family for

16:12

their side of the story right To

16:14

maintain some sort of sense of control . So

16:17

, for example , the narcissist

16:19

might share really private information

16:22

about , maybe

16:24

you with someone

16:26

else within your family as a way

16:28

to create some sort of alliance and

16:31

fuel the conflict for

16:33

their own benefit . For

16:36

example , perhaps

16:38

maybe your partner your narcissistic

16:40

partner knows that you have a little bit of a tenuous

16:43

relationship with your mother and

16:45

your partner knows that you

16:47

are in therapy and that

16:49

talking about your mom may be something that

16:51

has come up in conversation . Perhaps

16:54

you have shared with your narcissistic partner

16:56

some of the struggles and

16:59

the things that you have experienced

17:01

that have caused you to be hurt

17:04

, right , or that have caused you some inner

17:06

turmoil that has been

17:08

discussed , whether it was with your therapist , or you're just

17:10

sharing with your partner because you thought that

17:12

they were emotionally safe and

17:14

, as a result , maybe

17:17

during these family gatherings , the

17:19

narcissistic partner goes to

17:22

your mother and starts sharing

17:24

some of this very personal information and

17:27

says things like she's told me that

17:29

she's really struggled in her relationship with

17:31

you and one of the things that she doesn't

17:33

like is whatever it is

17:36

, and then continues

17:38

to say but I don't understand how she could feel

17:40

that way , because I think you're such a great person , right

17:42

, so you can see how they use that

17:44

really private , personal , vulnerable information

17:47

to try and create an alliance

17:49

with your mother , who's

17:52

someone that , yes , maybe you have a tenuous relationship

17:54

with , but at the end of the day , she's

17:56

your mother and , of course , you love her and you do have

17:58

a close relationship despite all of that . But

18:01

it's just the narcissist's way of trying

18:03

to drive a wedge between

18:05

you and the people closest to you and

18:08

to get them on their side , so

18:10

that when things go wrong , when

18:12

things get to a boiling

18:14

point in the relationship and you're struggling

18:17

and you're looking for support , when you go

18:19

to your mom and you start sharing with her what's

18:21

happening , she might automatically

18:23

start saying well , I don't understand

18:25

why you're saying that I think he's a great guy , I think he

18:28

does have a lot of empathy and oh

18:30

, by the way , he shared with me that you were really upset

18:32

about the situation and I had no idea . And

18:34

why didn't you come talk to me ? And

18:37

I am a good mother , why do you think I'm such a bad mother

18:39

? And they start to then maybe make it all about them

18:41

right and they start aligning

18:43

themselves with your narcissistic partner

18:45

instead of taking your side . So

18:48

I'm giving you examples . These are

18:50

examples that I'm sort of just making up in

18:52

my head , so I'm hoping that they make sense , but

18:54

these are things that either I have

18:56

experienced or that other people that

18:59

I've worked with have experienced . So

19:01

I'm trying to give you some examples

19:04

without giving away any kind of personal information . But

19:07

the most important thing is that you

19:09

understand how these specific

19:12

narcissistic behaviors can

19:14

show up in these

19:16

various family gatherings

19:18

, in these various holiday gatherings

19:21

that you're attending , so that you are aware , so

19:23

that you go in with your eyes wide open , so

19:25

that you have a way of creating

19:29

and setting boundaries around it if it's

19:31

happening . Establishing healthy boundaries

19:33

is so important

19:35

in your relationships , and it is especially

19:38

important in your relationships

19:40

with unhealthy people , so

19:42

I hope that helps . If you have any

19:44

questions , please feel free , as always , to

19:47

reach out to me . Leave me a review

19:49

, leave me a voice message on our podcast

19:51

web page , and I look forward to

19:53

connecting with you next week . Until then

19:55

, be well . If you're

19:58

hearing this message , that means you've

20:00

listened all the way to the end , and

20:02

for that I am truly grateful . If

20:04

you enjoyed this episode and found it valuable , would

20:07

you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts

20:09

and sharing it with others ? If

20:11

you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or

20:13

human design reading , you can find me on my

20:16

website or on social media . Also

20:18

, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future

20:20

episode , please DM me . Be

20:23

sure to tune in next week for another episode of

20:25

Stepping into Meaningful Relationships .