0:00

Hey , hey , everyone . Welcome back to

0:03

another episode of Stepping into Meaningful Relationships

0:05

. I'm your host , kira Sistep , so

0:08

today I want to talk about

0:10

some signs

0:12

that you can use . We're going to talk

0:14

about , like the top . I'm

0:17

going to share with you the top 12

0:19

signs that you might be in an unhealthy

0:21

relationship . Now

0:24

I'm not going to focus on specific

0:26

traits or behaviors

0:28

of a narcissist

0:31

or someone who is toxic , because

0:33

narcissists can present themselves

0:36

in many different ways , and there are actually

0:38

10 different types of narcissists . So

0:41

if I were to give you a list , you

0:43

may listen to that list

0:45

and then very quickly dismiss

0:47

what I'm saying and

0:50

believe that perhaps your partner is

0:52

not a narcissist , when in fact , potentially

0:55

they are . So

0:57

what I would rather focus in on is

1:00

the internal signs

1:02

that your partner may be toxic

1:04

or narcissistic , by

1:06

being mindful

1:08

of what they are

1:11

and how you feel within

1:14

your body , because

1:16

our body , our intuition

1:18

, can clue us

1:20

into things that our conscious mind

1:22

is either rejecting or

1:25

is that another way not accepting , or

1:28

that our mind is not consciously

1:30

aware of . Okay , so

1:33

what I'd love for you to start to

1:35

recognize is

1:37

how you're feeling in

1:39

your interactions with this other

1:41

person , or

1:44

how you are showing up in relation

1:46

to them . Okay , so

1:48

let's get right into it . We're going to jump

1:50

right in . I

1:52

would love for you to pay attention to whether or

1:54

not you are feeling constantly drained

1:57

in your interactions

1:59

with this other person , with your partner . Okay

2:01

, if you find yourself emotionally

2:04

exhausted or drained every time

2:06

after you have a conversation with them

2:08

, after you go out on a date

2:10

night with them , after you go

2:12

on vacation with them , then

2:14

that could actually indicate that you're in a very

2:16

toxic dynamic . Okay

2:19

, if you are constantly questioning your

2:22

reality , right , your own perceptions

2:25

, memories or feelings

2:27

, that's another red

2:29

flag , and that's because

2:32

, potentially , your partner might be gaslighting

2:34

or manipulating you , right

2:36

, and you might be saying one thing but doing another

2:39

. They might say one thing and then , a minute

2:41

later , say something totally different , and

2:43

it can leave you feeling very confused

2:45

, right , and when you feel really confused

2:48

, you can end up doubting yourself

2:50

and doubting whether or not what

2:52

happened actually happened , or

2:54

whether or not you recall a certain situation

2:57

or conversation , the way it actually

2:59

played out . And so it's important for

3:01

you that , if you feel like you are

3:04

beginning to question your reality

3:06

more and more , or you're questioning how

3:08

you feel , or you're questioning what

3:10

you recall or what you remember , then

3:14

that can also be an

3:17

internal red flag . Okay , if

3:20

you feel like you are always walking

3:22

on eggshells , what

3:26

does that mean ? I actually just had this conversation

3:29

recently with my 11-year-old child

3:31

, because he's in a

3:33

pretty unhealthy dynamic

3:36

with his teacher right now in their classroom

3:38

, where he feels like he's constantly walking

3:40

on eggshells , and when I use that phrase

3:42

in terminology with him , he actually didn't

3:45

know what I was talking about . So what

3:47

does that mean ? That means if you feel

3:49

like you need to be overly cautious

3:51

all of the time with your

3:53

words or with your actions or how you're

3:56

behaving to avoid triggering

3:58

some sort of negative reaction

4:00

or triggering some kind of conflict

4:02

or confrontation all the time , then

4:04

that's what I mean by walking on

4:06

eggshells . Okay , another

4:10

way to explain this is feeling like you're

4:12

constantly on high alert

4:14

. Right , you're always on edge . You're

4:16

in a state of hypervigilance , waiting

4:19

for the next shoot or drop right

4:21

, or waiting for the next emotional blow

4:23

up , or waiting for the

4:25

next fight or

4:28

struggle , or whatever it might be . That

4:31

can lead to negative consequences for

4:33

you , maybe your children , maybe

4:36

just in your relationship , if

4:38

that's happening and you notice that

4:41

you are living in that fight or

4:43

flight or in that hypervigilant state

4:45

more often , then that's another

4:47

red flag for you to take

4:49

notice of . Okay , if

4:52

you feel like you're losing your sense of self

4:55

, that's

4:57

another big red flag , right ? If you

4:59

notice that you are feeling

5:03

less confident , if you notice that

5:05

you once used to be someone who had

5:07

pretty high or decent self-esteem and

5:10

now you feel like you don't

5:12

have any self-esteem or you're

5:14

not as confident as you used to be

5:16

, or maybe you used to be

5:18

a very optimistic person and

5:21

now you're very pessimistic if

5:24

you feel like you no longer recognize

5:26

the person that you have become , then

5:30

that is another sign

5:33

that potentially there's a red

5:35

flag that something is not right in your relationship

5:37

, because you've essentially lost

5:40

your sense of self . And you may

5:42

have lost your sense of self due to constant

5:44

criticism , belittling

5:47

, demeaning , diminishing

5:49

, deemphasizing

5:51

or being deprioritized constantly

5:53

. And so if you

5:55

wake up and you recognize

5:58

that the face staring back at you or the person

6:00

that you've become is not who you once were

6:02

, then you're going to be a little bit more Then

6:04

pay attention . Okay , that's

6:06

something to be aware of . If

6:09

you notice that you're starting to feel more and more

6:11

isolated , or you feel more

6:14

lonely and disconnected . This

6:17

can also be a red flag , especially

6:20

if it is potentially

6:22

your partner who has been isolating you from

6:24

friends and family , and that may not be

6:26

happening necessarily in a very covert

6:29

way . That might be happening

6:31

in an overt way . It

6:34

might be happening in a covert way where

6:36

they are using things like triangulation

6:39

. They're trying to drive a wedge

6:41

between you and your family or you

6:43

and your friends , and it might look like

6:46

them saying things like whenever

6:48

we go over to your

6:51

mother's house

6:53

, I don't feel welcome , they

6:55

make me feel like I'm not part of the family

6:57

, and , as a result

6:59

, you might confront your mother and

7:02

maybe you have some sort of

7:04

big falling out because your

7:06

mother doesn't understand why your

7:09

partner would feel that way and

7:12

your mother assumes that perhaps

7:14

maybe you're speaking badly about

7:17

her to your partner and , as a result

7:19

, it's causing this tension , right

7:21

Like it can be , like this whole thing . Or your

7:23

partner might be saying things to

7:26

make you feel like your mother

7:28

doesn't care about you or that

7:31

this other person doesn't have your best interests

7:33

at heart , and so what they do

7:35

is they try to triangulate between

7:37

you and another person in order to

7:39

isolate you further from

7:42

the people that are close to you , making

7:45

you feel like you can't depend

7:47

on them meaning the other

7:49

people for emotional support

7:51

. Because , from

7:54

a narcissist's perspective , those

7:57

other relationships are

8:01

potentially threatening to

8:04

your relationship with the narcissistic

8:06

partner . Right , because the people closest to you may

8:09

start to recognize , before you do , that

8:12

your relationship isn't healthy . Right , and

8:15

they might start giving you a heads up and

8:17

, depending on the manipulation that's happening

8:20

with the narcissistic

8:22

partner , the narcissistic partner might , if

8:25

they are aware that this is happening , might

8:28

try to make you second

8:30

guess and doubt your family

8:32

and friends' intentions and

8:35

their motivations and

8:37

whether or not they have your best interests

8:39

at heart , because the narcissistic partner is gonna make it

8:42

seem like only they know what's

8:44

best for you , right ? And so

8:46

then in that way they drive a wedge

8:48

so that you no longer have that

8:51

emotional support of other people who

8:53

can see things probably a bit

8:55

more objectively than you

8:57

can being in a relationship

9:00

where maybe you're blinded by love

9:02

or blinded by this

9:04

history and the family

9:07

and the memories that you have with your narcissistic

9:09

partner . If

9:12

you also feel like you're experiencing a

9:14

lot of anxiety , depression

9:17

or other mental

9:19

health issues , or even a

9:22

lot of physical health issues

9:24

, then that can also be another

9:26

red flag . When

9:29

you spend years inside of a

9:31

unhealthy or abusive

9:34

relationship , it

9:37

can create

9:39

these physical manifestations of

9:41

illness in your own body , because

9:43

your body is constantly sending you signals

9:45

and sensations and feelings

9:48

and emotions . That's the way

9:50

in which it communicates with you to

9:52

let you know that something is off . But

9:55

if you continue to suppress

9:58

those emotions , those feelings

10:00

, if you continue to

10:03

repress any of the

10:05

memories or the things that are

10:07

the red flags that are coming up for

10:09

you , your body's holding

10:12

onto all of that , that energy , that

10:14

emotion which is meant to

10:16

be energy in motion stagnates

10:19

. And when it stagnates it can

10:21

create physical illness . And

10:24

again , it can create also this anxiety

10:26

and this depression when you start

10:28

getting so far out of alignment

10:30

with who you truly are . Because

10:32

when we get so far away from who we truly

10:34

are , what happens is is our subconscious

10:37

mind and our conscious mind begin to

10:39

almost disconnect . There's

10:41

a lack then of trust between

10:43

internally within you

10:45

and we

10:48

can talk about that probably for a whole other episode

10:50

on how that arose yourself trust and

10:53

it can really impact your ability

10:55

to feel safe , making

10:57

good and healthy decisions for yourself . It

11:00

can cause a lot of anxiety because

11:02

a part of you is like no , no , no , no , I wanna stay here

11:04

in my comfort zone . But there's another part of you

11:07

that is like no , no , no , no , this is not safe . We need to

11:09

get out of our comfort zone and get a little

11:11

uncomfortable and go

11:13

out on a limb and leave this relationship

11:15

or leave this thing that feels comfortable because

11:18

we deserve better right . So it can cause

11:21

that conflict internally and

11:23

, as a result , it gets expressed through

11:25

potentially mental health issues , anxiety

11:28

, depression and , again , a lot of chronic

11:30

illness . We see a lot of autoimmune disease

11:32

. We see a lot of people suffering

11:34

from migraines and back issues

11:37

and neck issues and so

11:39

on and so forth . If

11:42

you constantly feel like you

11:44

are seeking other

11:47

people's approval , then

11:50

that's also a red flag , because

11:52

if you subconsciously

11:55

believe that your worth is tied

11:57

to your partner's approval , or

12:00

your worth is tied to your partner's happiness

12:03

, and

12:05

you're constantly seeking validation from

12:07

them , then that's not a healthy dynamic

12:10

Right

12:13

. If you have a fear of confrontation , right

12:15

, where you avoid bringing up any

12:17

kind of concerns or disagreements

12:20

or even sharing

12:22

how you feel about something or

12:25

expressing your beliefs , then

12:28

if you're not doing that out of a fear

12:30

of your partner's reaction , then

12:33

what's going to happen is you're going to close down

12:35

. Basically

12:37

, what's going to happen is it's going to lead to a lack

12:39

of open communication , which is not a healthy

12:41

dynamic in a relationship and it can be very toxic

12:44

, especially

12:47

if you're with someone who is very controlling . Right

12:50

, take notice . Are

12:52

you not speaking

12:54

up for what you believe in ? Are

12:57

you not honoring

12:59

your values , respecting your

13:01

values , your value , your

13:03

worth ? Are you avoiding

13:06

speaking your truth , of what is

13:08

true for you ? Right Again , how do you

13:10

feel , what do you believe to be true

13:12

? Out of a fear that your

13:14

partner is going to have

13:17

some sort of angry outburst

13:19

, or

13:21

you're afraid that your partner's going to take it out

13:23

on your kids , or that your partner's

13:25

going to take it out on you if you don't agree

13:28

with them , then

13:30

that's a problem , because that is

13:32

a power imbalance in your relationship . Right

13:35

, that means that you're abdicating

13:37

your own power , your own sovereignty

13:40

, and

13:43

allowing your partner in some way to

13:47

hold and maintain

13:49

the power

13:51

in the relationship . Right

13:56

, in a healthy relationship , obviously , there is

13:58

open communication . You do feel

14:01

safe advocating for yourself . You do feel

14:03

safe bringing up concerns . You do feel

14:05

safe broaching

14:07

things that you disagree on , right

14:09

, having

14:12

those tough and difficult conversations

14:15

. If

14:17

you notice that you are

14:20

not trusting others

14:22

as much as maybe you used to or

14:25

again back to my point before

14:28

if you feel like you're no longer able to even

14:30

trust yourself , then

14:32

that's also another red flag In

14:36

toxic dynamics . What

14:39

can happen is you can start

14:42

to generally

14:44

mistrust others . The

14:48

reason for that is because subconsciously

14:51

, you might recognize that

14:55

how your partner is behaving

14:57

and

14:59

what your partner is saying there's

15:03

a complete disconnect . They're

15:06

not trustworthy

15:08

because , even though they

15:10

might be acting in a certain way , you

15:14

might intuitively feel that

15:17

they don't actually feel the

15:20

way in which they are behaving , if that

15:22

makes sense . Their feelings and

15:24

their thoughts are not in alignment

15:26

with how they are behaving . Or it

15:29

could be that they are

15:31

saying things but then

15:33

not following through with

15:35

the appropriate behavior that would support

15:38

what they're saying . As

15:41

a result , you learn that people aren't trustworthy

15:43

. You learn that you can't rely

15:45

on anybody else because

15:47

someone might give you their word , but

15:50

the likelihood of them following through on it always

15:54

leads to disappointment , because that's been your experience

15:56

in your relationship . As

16:00

a result , you learn that you can't trust

16:02

others . You might find

16:04

that you are someone who is very

16:06

hyper-independent and maybe you were hyper-independent

16:08

before you even got into this relationship which

16:12

plays out really well

16:14

and makes you susceptible more

16:17

so to some of these relationships . Because

16:19

if you already come into a relationship not trusting

16:21

somebody , then when they show

16:24

up and prove to you that they're not trustworthy

16:26

, then you're already anticipating

16:29

it , you're already expecting it , you've

16:31

already made excuses for it , because you're like oh , everybody's

16:34

like this . I can't trust anyone unless

16:36

I do it myself . I

16:38

can't rely on anyone else because no one else is

16:40

going to do it for me . I have to do

16:42

it for myself . What

16:46

happens is we can

16:48

again learn to not trust

16:50

ourselves , because maybe

16:53

, if we're not good at setting boundaries , every

16:56

time we set a boundary we back down on it . Every

16:59

time we do that , we diminish a little bit more

17:02

of our own self-trust , because

17:04

it's like we're proving to our mind see , we're not

17:06

trustworthy . We didn't follow through

17:08

on that commitment , we didn't follow through on that

17:10

promise that we made to ourselves . We

17:12

didn't enforce that boundary that we set

17:14

to keep ourselves safe . It

17:18

all becomes one big thing

17:20

of I don't trust others and maybe you don't

17:22

even trust yourself . Those are big red

17:24

flags . The other thing

17:26

is if you find yourself rationalizing

17:30

bad behavior . I know

17:32

I used to do this all the time . I was really

17:34

good at finding excuses for

17:37

other people's bad behavior . I

17:40

was always really good and I'm

17:42

still good at it for the most part at

17:45

giving people the benefit of the doubt . That

17:50

being said , that can be used against you when

17:53

you're in a toxic relationship because

17:55

you may find yourself excusing or justifying

17:58

your partner's harmful actions Everything

18:02

, or justifying your partner's harmful actions

18:04

and behaviors even

18:07

when they clearly cross your boundaries or

18:10

hurt you , right

18:12

. You might come up with every excuse in

18:14

the book as to why

18:16

they behaved that way , why

18:19

they spoke to you that way , why they treated

18:21

you that way , right . The excuse

18:23

might be like oh , they were really stressed out

18:25

, or they're just so tired

18:27

, or it's my fault that he

18:30

got angry at me because I did this Right

18:34

. So if you're very used to over-apologizing

18:37

or taking responsibility all the time for

18:40

the things that go wrong and

18:43

maybe that's a pattern of behavior that you have exhibited

18:45

since you were a child , because you realize

18:48

that if you apologized first

18:50

or you accepted the accountability even

18:52

if it wasn't yours , even if it wasn't

18:54

your fault that that

18:56

somehow settled and

18:58

kept everything calm and peaceful

19:01

. Right , it allowed other people

19:03

to then be happy with you . Right , they

19:05

would . You would ask for forgiveness

19:07

, they would give it to you and then everything would go back to normal

19:09

, which that calm

19:11

and that peace is what you were constantly striving

19:14

for , because everything else may

19:16

have felt very chaotic . So , whatever

19:19

way you were able to control the situation

19:21

to get back to that

19:23

peace and

19:26

quiet , the chaos that

19:29

instilled in you this conditioned

19:32

pattern of behavior of over-apologizing

19:35

all the time because

19:37

that was in your control oh , if I apologize , then

19:39

everything will go back to normal , everything will be fine

19:42

. So

19:44

hand in hand with that comes this ability

19:46

to rationalize or excuse or

19:49

justify other people's behavior , and then sometimes

19:51

, in

19:53

conjunction with that , we take over responsibility

19:56

for things . So those are also red

19:58

flags Feeling

20:00

controlled , right , if

20:02

you feel like you have lost your sense of autonomy

20:05

and control over your own life , or

20:07

you're feeling like you're

20:09

not allowed

20:11

to make your own decisions , that's someone

20:13

else , like your partner's always making the decisions

20:16

for the family . Your partner's

20:18

always making the big decisions or

20:20

giving the final say on any

20:22

big projects

20:24

that you're doing , say in your home

20:26

or it's your partner

20:29

who's always giving the final stamp

20:31

of approval on everything , then

20:34

in some way , what you're

20:36

doing is you are feeding

20:38

into your partner's need for dominance

20:41

, your partner's need for power in

20:44

a toxic relationship . Because that's what

20:46

toxic relationships are all about . They're all about

20:48

power imbalances . And

20:52

so if you feel like

20:54

that's happening in your

20:56

life , where you are not ever

20:59

given authorization

21:01

, so to say , to make decisions

21:03

for your life , for what

21:05

you do , or

21:07

even when it comes to certain things within your

21:09

home or within your family , if you're never given that

21:11

authority authority

21:14

quote , unquote by your partner right

21:16

, then of course you're gonna

21:18

feel like you're not in

21:20

control and

21:22

that feeling of being out of control or

21:25

not having authority over

21:27

your own life and your own decisions , or even

21:29

some of the decisions within

21:31

your family right , that should be like equal

21:34

or as

21:36

equal as it can be . Right , there should be some sort

21:38

of equanimity between the decisions that

21:40

are made for the family . Maybe not every

21:42

decision has to be made jointly together

21:44

. Maybe not every decision has to be

21:46

rubber stamped by one partner

21:48

all the time or

21:50

approved of all the time right

21:52

, these should be discussions , and if

21:55

you're avoiding having those discussions out of again

21:57

that fear of confrontation , or

22:00

you're avoiding having these discussions because

22:02

you're seeking constant approval and

22:04

you just wanna do whatever your partner wants to do

22:06

, because then you feel validated , then you feel approved

22:09

of , then that's obviously

22:11

a clear sign that there's a red flag here

22:13

, that something's not right in your relationship . And

22:18

then if you are feeling hopeless

22:21

right , if you're feeling

22:23

like you are stuck in this relationship

22:26

and there is no hope of

22:29

positive change in the

22:31

relationship or there's no hope

22:33

that your partner's going to ever

22:36

do the work on themselves where

22:39

maybe you're doing a lot of work on yourself or

22:42

you're feeling like you're stuck in this relationship

22:45

because of , say

22:47

, your children , or because maybe

22:49

your spouse is the primary

22:51

breadwinner , right Is

22:54

not Okay

22:57

. Right , that's not really healthy . And

23:00

if you believe in any way

23:02

that you deserve this

23:05

type of treatment , or

23:07

that it's because of who

23:10

you are or your actions , or because you're

23:12

not smart enough , or you're not capable enough

23:14

, or you're not pretty

23:16

enough or thin enough or whatever , it might be

23:18

that you have to settle

23:21

for this relationship because no one's going to

23:23

love you the way your partner loves you or

23:25

you're never going to have the same

23:27

, say , level of lifestyle

23:29

that you're enjoying and

23:32

so if you want to keep enjoying that

23:34

type of lifestyle or

23:36

that comfort or whatever

23:38

it is , and maybe it's even like I can't get

23:40

out of this because my children

23:42

would never survive , right ? Or

23:45

my children are going to be damaged

23:47

when they come from a broken home , if I were to end this

23:49

relationship and , as a result

23:51

, like you're staying in this relationship

23:54

because you

23:56

don't feel you can get out of it , then

23:59

that's clearly a sign that something is

24:01

not right . Right , that this relationship

24:03

is not healthy . You

24:05

should never be in a relationship or stay

24:07

in a relationship where you are

24:10

self-abandoning , where you are abdicating

24:12

your power , where you are self-sacrificing

24:15

your well-being , your

24:17

sense of worth , your self-esteem

24:20

, your physical well-being

24:23

, your emotional well-being , your

24:25

mental well-being , your spiritual

24:27

well-being , to stay in a relationship

24:29

for other people . So

24:32

if you are recognizing that any

24:34

of these 12 internal red flags

24:37

exist in your relationship

24:39

, then I would highly encourage

24:41

that you seek out the support that you need

24:43

from someone who

24:45

can provide guidance and assistance

24:47

in navigating the challenges of a

24:50

toxic or narcissistic relationship . And

24:52

, of course , I'm going to tell you I can help

24:54

you with all of that . I would be honored to

24:56

support you . I would

24:59

be honored to help you to

25:01

take the steps you know honored to guide

25:03

you through the steps that you need to take

25:05

in order to protect yourself right

25:10

and to know that you are

25:12

worthy of something better . I

25:16

am opening up my calendar for one-on-one

25:18

coaching sessions . I would love

25:20

to support you and guide you If you

25:22

are experiencing any of these things . It

25:26

takes seven times for people

25:28

to leave toxic and

25:30

abusive relationships , so

25:33

there's no shame in

25:35

however long you've been in this relationship

25:37

. There's no blame

25:40

that you haven't gotten

25:42

out of it sooner . There's

25:44

only love and support , empathy

25:47

and encouragement and

25:50

guidance waiting for you within

25:52

our coaching

25:54

sessions . Okay , if

25:57

you feel like working with me one-on-one

25:59

is not financially viable for you right now

26:02

, perfectly , okay . I

26:04

am launching my new group program

26:07

, strong Her , stronger right

26:09

, strong with H-E-R

26:12

that begins this month . That

26:15

is focused on community

26:17

first right Because , again

26:20

, a lot of times we feel very isolated

26:22

in these experiences . So it's super , super

26:24

important that we're able to connect with other women

26:26

who get what we have been through

26:29

, who understand what

26:31

it feels like , who have

26:33

walked this path , who are on this path

26:35

alongside you and the people who

26:37

maybe are a little bit further behind that

26:40

, you can lead forward right . It's such an empowering

26:42

way

26:45

to heal and recover from a lot

26:47

of this to

26:50

uncover , I'm sorry . It's such

26:52

a powerful way to heal and recover

26:54

from narcissistic trauma . In

26:58

this group coaching program , in addition to having

27:00

this really strong and amazing community , we're

27:02

also going to be having group coaching calls once a week

27:04

and then we'll also have another call

27:06

for Q&A , for

27:08

connection with other people , where

27:11

we'll be breaking , where we might be

27:13

breaking out into small groups

27:15

, and we're also

27:17

I'm also going to be providing

27:19

some hot seat coaching as well . So

27:21

it's really a very affordable

27:24

way to get access to me , to get

27:26

the support that you need and

27:29

to work with me in a

27:31

way that feels like

27:34

you've got a hand on your back . You've

27:36

got someone guiding you forward

27:38

, cheering you on and

27:41

listening , cheering

27:47

you on and

27:49

providing

27:51

the space for you to

27:53

heal and recover . If

27:57

you're not sure which option is best for you

27:59

, feel free to book a free discovery call

28:01

with me on my website

28:04

and we can discuss these two different options

28:06

to see if one-on-one coaching is the best

28:08

fit for you or if this group

28:10

coaching program or

28:12

if stronger than narcissistic trauma

28:15

, narcissistic trauma recovery

28:18

support group is the best

28:20

for you and where

28:22

you are in your journey right now . I

28:25

hope that this helps . If you have any

28:27

questions , you know where to reach me . Until

28:30

next week , everyone be well .