Episode Transcript
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0:04
Welcome to the Stepping into Meaningful Relationships
0:06
podcast . I'm your host , carissa
0:09
Stepp . I'm a somatic , trauma-informed
0:11
coach and narcissistic abuse specialist
0:13
. This is a podcast for you if
0:15
you are looking to improve your most
0:17
important relationship , the one
0:19
you have with yourself , so you can more
0:22
meaningfully and deeply connect with those
0:24
around you . This podcast will
0:26
equip you with valuable tools , tips
0:28
and tricks essential for recovering from
0:30
toxic relationships and guide
0:33
you towards cultivating healthy , fulfilling
0:35
and intimate connections with others . But
0:38
first let's start with you . I'm
0:40
so excited you're here taking this powerful
0:42
step forward . Thank you for tuning
0:44
in . Now let's get to today's episode
0:47
. Hey
0:52
, hey , everyone . Welcome back to
0:54
another episode of Stepping into Meaningful
0:57
Relationships . I'm your host , carissa
0:59
Stepp . I am very excited
1:01
to be chatting with you today . This
1:03
week we're going to be talking about narcissistic
1:06
manipulation tactics , and
1:09
we're going to be speaking about these especially because
1:11
I think that it's important to become aware
1:14
of , because a lot of times , these
1:16
tactics are used
1:18
, sometimes below our level
1:21
of awareness , and they're
1:23
designed to control and belittle
1:26
and undermine us in these relationships
1:28
, and they can leave these psychological
1:31
scars right and it can cause a lot of emotional
1:33
pain later on . So understanding
1:35
these tactics is really crucial
1:38
for understanding the dynamics number
1:40
one of abuse , but also of
1:42
these toxic relationships , so that
1:44
you can go and seek the appropriate support
1:47
. The first tactic
1:49
is most likely the one that you are most
1:51
familiar with , which is gaslighting
1:54
. Gaslighting is a psychological
1:56
manipulation tool that a narcissist
1:58
will use to make you doubt
2:00
your own recollection of
2:03
events that have happened . That
2:05
will cause you to doubt your perception
2:08
or even your sanity
2:10
. They will deny that certain
2:12
things happened . They might belittle
2:15
your emotions or how you
2:17
feel about something , or even
2:19
take whatever your perception
2:22
is of what happened and twist it
2:24
in a way that favors whatever
2:26
narrative they want you to believe that
2:28
is going to ultimately benefit
2:31
them and , as a result
2:33
, this technique can lead you to feeling
2:35
very confused and
2:37
leave you doubting your
2:40
sense of reality , or
2:42
you might begin to doubt whether or not you're
2:44
able to recall things properly
2:46
and feel in a way that you're losing your
2:48
mind . And that's all
2:50
on purpose . The narcissist wants
2:52
you to feel like you can't trust
2:54
yourself . The narcissist wants you to begin
2:56
to doubt your sense of reality , because
2:59
if they get to shape and
3:01
influence your perception
3:03
of what's actually happening , then most
3:05
likely you're not going to be able
3:07
to recognize that what you're experiencing is
3:09
the narcissist is trying to
3:12
keep their power and their control over you . The
3:15
next manipulation tactic is triangulation
3:18
, and we see
3:20
this a lot when the narcissist will
3:22
use a third party , whether
3:24
that's a friend or a family member or
3:27
someone else , to validate
3:30
their viewpoint
3:32
or to play and pivot
3:34
people against one another . Usually
3:37
, this is the narcissist's way of driving a wedge
3:39
between you and likely someone close to
3:41
you , because the
3:43
narcissist probably perceives
3:46
that maybe A
3:48
this other person can
3:50
see them clearly for who they are . So
3:53
they want to drive distance between you
3:55
and this other person because they are afraid that
3:57
they're going to influence your
3:59
perception of the narcissist and their behavior
4:02
. That would then cause you
4:04
to see them for who they truly are
4:06
. They sometimes will do this
4:08
when they want to create some
4:10
sort of jealousy or competition
4:13
or tension in order to make
4:15
you feel like you're a narcissist , inadequate
4:17
, or make you feel like you don't
4:20
have anyone else in your life that you can
4:22
trust . When they
4:24
can drive a wedge between
4:26
the people you care about that are your
4:28
support network and you , then
4:31
it allows them to have greater
4:33
power and influence over you
4:35
, because then you're only relying on the
4:37
narcissist to influence
4:40
how you think , how you feel , and so
4:42
they'll do this to undermine your relationship
4:44
with other people because
4:47
it's serving their interests in some way
4:49
. They might even try to drive a
4:51
wedge between you and your children as
4:53
a way for you to constantly
4:56
pick the narcissist over
4:58
even your kids , on a daily
5:00
basis , where you're putting the narcissist needs first
5:02
. Again , the narcissist is going to
5:04
use triangulation as a way
5:06
to maybe even incite jealousy
5:09
within you , because if you are
5:11
jealous of , say , the narcissist's relationship
5:14
with a third party , then
5:16
that means you're going to try even harder to win
5:20
the narcissist's favor . You're going to try even
5:22
harder to keep
5:24
the narcissist in the relationship by
5:26
going above and beyond to
5:29
serve their needs , to maybe
5:31
boost their ego . You
5:33
might love them more , or
5:36
love them harder , or try harder
5:38
in the relationship . They also
5:40
might try to create this competition between
5:43
whether or not you're giving the narcissist
5:45
more attention than this other person in
5:47
your life . And they do that because
5:49
, again , they want to keep all of your
5:52
energy , your focus , your attention
5:54
, your love on them
5:56
, because they need it in order to feel
5:59
safe , because the narcissist
6:01
has a big fear of
6:03
abandonment . The narcissist is
6:05
deeply insecure , and
6:08
so if you put all your time
6:10
and attention into them , then
6:12
they feel number one secure , but
6:15
number two , they feel more important
6:17
than other people . So
6:20
the narcissist is going to use this
6:22
triangulation in order
6:24
to continue to get and
6:27
secure and maintain their
6:29
narcissistic supply . Another
6:33
tactic of the narcissist is coercive control . Coercive
6:36
control is a pattern that we've talked about before in
6:38
the podcast when we had Jennifer Parker on where
6:41
we discussed in depth coercive relationships . Coercive
6:44
control is a pattern of behavior that
6:46
seeks to take away
6:49
your ability to
6:51
number one make decisions for yourself
6:54
. It attempts to
6:56
restrict your civil
6:59
rights to come
7:01
and go as you please , to spend
7:03
time with whomever you want . They
7:05
might even be trying to control what
7:08
you wear or how you look , and
7:10
it could even come down to managing
7:13
and controlling finances , where
7:15
they no longer allow you to make
7:17
decisions around how money is spent or
7:19
invested . The narcissist will
7:22
justify this type of behavior
7:24
as them being
7:26
very concerned or very caring
7:28
. It might look like they're very
7:31
protective over you . A
7:33
narcissist might also use the tactic
7:35
of isolation , so triangulation
7:38
can kind of play into this too . Right , the whole
7:40
, I think , end goal of triangulation
7:43
is number one yes , to get the narcissist's needs
7:45
met and their ego boosted and for them
7:47
to feel secure , but it also
7:50
can be this underlying motivation
7:52
to isolate you from
7:54
people that you are close to , so
7:57
they're going to look to do whatever they can
8:00
to manipulate you into
8:02
spending less time with the people
8:04
that you care about . They want to literally
8:06
separate you from the supportive relationships
8:08
that you have in your life , and
8:11
this could be achieved by maybe
8:13
causing you to have to move far
8:15
away from your loved ones . It
8:18
might look like criticizing your
8:20
close relationships and making you question
8:22
whether or not these other people have your
8:24
best interests at heart , because perhaps
8:27
maybe the narcissist is letting you know that they
8:29
are the only ones who know what's best for
8:31
you . They're the only ones who really
8:33
love you or really care about you or
8:36
really see you for who you are , or
8:38
love you for all of who you are , whereas
8:40
these other people in your life don't
8:42
. They might also try to
8:44
monopolize your time , so this
8:47
is also part of the isolation tactic , where
8:49
they might , before
8:51
you're going out to spend time with
8:53
friends , they might pitch a
8:55
big fit and make
8:57
you feel really guilty as
8:59
a result , cause you to then make the
9:01
decision that you're not going to go out with your friends
9:04
because you feel bad . You
9:06
feel bad that you have maybe hurt their
9:08
feelings , or maybe you feel so
9:11
much guilt that you feel like , oh , I can't leave
9:14
my partner at home because
9:16
they have nothing to do . And this is really selfish
9:18
of me to want to go out and be with my friends while they're
9:20
at home alone . And the narcissist
9:22
is going to play into that narrative and they're going to just keep
9:25
reaffirming that so that you
9:27
start to eventually spend less and
9:29
less time with family or friends
9:31
. And that's all
9:33
on purpose because , again , we all
9:35
need supportive relationships in our lives
9:37
and if you are no
9:40
longer maintaining
9:42
those relationships because the
9:44
narcissist has manipulated you to let those
9:46
go or to place a distance between you and
9:49
the supportive people in your life , your support
9:51
network , then they have more
9:53
influence , they have more control
9:55
. The narcissist might also use
9:58
the silent treatment . This is an emotionally
10:00
abusive behavior , because
10:02
if the narcissist is using
10:06
the silent treatment to withhold
10:08
emotional support , or
10:11
the narcissist is using the silent treatment
10:13
to punish you for something
10:15
that maybe you did , and
10:17
maybe what you did was just merely
10:20
set a boundary , or maybe
10:22
you spoke up for yourself , or maybe you challenged
10:24
the narcissist in some way , where
10:27
now they feel threatened . So
10:29
, as a result , they ignore
10:31
you , they freeze you out
10:33
, they refuse to speak to you and
10:35
typically the silent treatment will last for hours
10:38
to even days , it
10:41
could even be months , depending on the relationship
10:43
, where they will not even acknowledge your presence
10:45
and , as a result , the reason why they keep
10:48
doing this is because they
10:50
feel like they have power and they have
10:52
control . Then , if they're not acknowledging
10:54
you , if they're not providing you with
10:56
emotional support , you
10:58
might be thinking well , what did I do
11:00
wrong ? It might encourage you
11:02
to even apologize for something that you didn't even
11:04
do . It might encourage
11:07
you to try harder in the
11:09
relationship to try and make them
11:11
happy again , to get them to stop ignoring
11:13
you . But really their whole
11:15
purpose is to inflict this emotional pain
11:18
on you and regain that control . Because
11:20
if you are a person that tends
11:22
to over apologize
11:24
or is maybe naturally
11:26
a little bit more submissive , then using
11:29
this tactic of the silent treatment enables
11:32
the narcissist to regain that control
11:34
over you after some sort of confrontation
11:37
or conflict or when they are acting in a way that they
11:39
don't approve of or agree with
11:41
, or where they feel threatened . Then
11:43
there is projection . This
11:45
is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist will
11:48
begin to accuse you
11:50
of their own that's precipitate
11:53
actions or their own behaviors or
11:55
their own feelings or their own patterns
11:58
of behavior or traits . So , as
12:00
an example of you know , maybe
12:02
a narcissist is a compulsive
12:04
liar and , as a result
12:06
, they start to project
12:09
out onto you that you're always lying
12:11
, that you're the compulsive liar , or maybe
12:13
that you were the narcissist right
12:16
. So they will deflect the blame
12:18
and make you
12:20
question your actions and your feelings
12:22
, which is going to lead to more
12:25
guilt and confusion , so that they
12:27
can control you . This projection
12:29
is sometimes also called deflect
12:32
and reverse victim and offender . What
12:34
that means is the narcissist
12:37
will shift the blame , even
12:40
if it's something that they did wrong . They will shift the blame
12:42
to you and
12:44
then act like they are the victim
12:46
and you are the offender , which makes you
12:48
question your reality . It might make
12:50
you question your feelings
12:53
about what happened or question
12:55
whether or not what happened really happened
12:57
. And if you're someone again who is very
12:59
quick to apologize and
13:01
accept responsibility , well then that works in favor
13:04
for the narcissist . The narcissist
13:06
loves that , because
13:08
then they never have to take accountability , because
13:10
you're taking all of it all the time . Then
13:12
there are the flying monkeys , and
13:15
this is a term that is obviously borrowed from
13:17
the movie the Wizard of Oz , where
13:21
the narcissist will manipulate other
13:23
people to carry out
13:25
or enact their
13:27
agenda . Flying monkey oftentimes is trying
13:30
to get the validation or approval of the narcissist
13:32
. So again , there's a power imbalance in this
13:34
relationship . The narcissist
13:36
will act like , perhaps , the victim
13:38
and , as a result , the flying
13:41
monkey feels bad and they want
13:43
to help . So what they might
13:45
do is they might try and gather
13:47
information , either
13:50
from you directly or people close
13:52
to you , and they
13:54
will be the ones who will start spreading
13:56
this gossip of whatever
13:58
it is that the narcissist has told them about
14:00
you that is factually
14:03
incorrect , and
14:05
, as a result , the flying monkey will then also
14:08
attack the victim indirectly
14:10
. They're pointing the finger at you
14:13
as opposed to realizing
14:15
and recognizing that the stories
14:17
that they have been told by the narcissist
14:19
are either inaccurate or that they've been manipulated
14:22
by the narcissist as well . So
14:24
now , with these flying monkeys
14:26
, not only is the narcissist
14:28
abusing you , this abuse
14:31
now extends beyond that relationship
14:33
by involving other people , which
14:35
continues to then further isolate
14:37
and undermine you . This
14:40
also goes hand in hand with smear campaigns
14:42
. This is where the narcissist
14:44
is going to be spreading some false and
14:46
exaggerated and inaccurate information
14:49
about you to friends and family or acquaintances
14:51
. This could happen in a workplace , and
14:54
this usually happens after the relationship
14:56
has either ended or there's
14:58
been some big confrontation , or
15:01
maybe you have tried to leave the relationship
15:04
or tried to end the relationship . The
15:07
narcissist is going to then try to discredit
15:09
you and gain the sympathy
15:11
of other people again , acting like the victim
15:13
, to control the narrative
15:15
, to make it look like they're
15:18
the ones who are being hurt
15:20
by you , that
15:23
they're the ones who are the victims
15:25
in this , that they
15:27
did nothing wrong , that they
15:29
are the model citizen , the model
15:31
partner , the model father , the model
15:33
employee . So when smear
15:36
campaigns happen and when
15:38
there is this addition of the flying monkeys
15:40
to carry out the smear campaign , it
15:43
just compounds the
15:45
abuse and then ultimately , the trauma
15:47
that you might experience from
15:50
this narcissistic relationship
15:52
. It could leave you feeling like you
15:54
don't know who to trust , because these
15:56
flying monkeys that the narcissist is going
15:59
to bring in are oftentimes the people
16:01
that are potentially closest to you
16:03
, or it might be the
16:05
spouse of someone very close to you . They
16:07
find another way to infiltrate your
16:10
inner circle through their
16:12
own relationships or through people that
16:14
are maybe once removed but
16:16
close enough that it's going to get back to you
16:18
or that it's going to isolate
16:20
you away from the people that are closest to
16:22
you . And then , of course , the whole abuse
16:25
cycle in general is a
16:27
manipulation in and of itself . The
16:29
love bombing that happens during the idealization
16:31
phase is manipulative . The
16:34
devaluation phase is manipulative
16:37
because you're being criticized and belittled and
16:39
undermined , and so that
16:41
cycle of like the love bombing
16:43
or idealization and the devaluation
16:46
is a cycle that just
16:48
continues where you become hopeful
16:50
for the return of the affection to partner that
16:52
you once knew . That's also
16:54
manipulation . So
16:57
I hope that this helps bring a little bit of awareness
16:59
around some of the tactics that a narcissist
17:01
uses , so that you can be more
17:03
aware of when it's happening
17:06
and how to get
17:08
the support that you need . Sometimes
17:10
, when we start to experience , especially
17:13
like that smear campaign and the flying monkeys and
17:15
all of that , it does cause
17:17
us to isolate . So a
17:19
lot of these are kind of go hand in hand . If
17:22
the narcissist is engaging in a smear campaign
17:24
and they are enlisting flying monkeys
17:26
and they are
17:28
using isolation tactic on top
17:31
of it , or they're involving a third
17:33
party specifically over and over again
17:35
, right that triangulation to drive that
17:37
wedge . Then
17:39
the trauma that we can experience from
17:41
that level of abuse , when it is coming
17:43
at us from so many different angles , can
17:46
cause a deep sense of
17:49
loss , a loss
17:51
of trust in others
17:53
, in ourselves , and
17:56
it can be really damaging to our
17:58
self worth , to our sense of love ability
18:00
. Our circle of
18:03
supportive relationships of our network continues
18:06
to grow smaller and smaller and smaller . So
18:09
it's really important to be aware of these things so
18:12
that you're not left struggling
18:15
alone , so that you can set boundaries
18:17
in your relationships , so
18:20
that you can have the confidence
18:22
and the courage to have assertive
18:25
conversations with people who
18:27
begin to engage in this type of
18:29
manipulation right , and it's not
18:31
even that they're manipulative , they're being manipulated
18:34
to then act in the way in which
18:36
they are towards you , and it's happening
18:38
below their level of awareness as well . So
18:41
you know , maybe at some point , once
18:44
some distance and time has gone by , maybe you can
18:46
repair those relationships with that person If
18:49
they are able to recognize that
18:51
they were also being manipulated , and
18:54
having compassion for them as well . And
18:56
I know that that might seem really hard , especially
18:58
if you are feeling really hurt . It
19:01
can be very hard because
19:03
most likely you're going to feel very angry about
19:07
what has happened and angry
19:09
that this person that you thought knew you so
19:11
well or that loved you so much , or
19:13
that has been a part of your life for so long
19:15
and knows you almost better
19:17
than most other people in your life . It
19:19
can be really disappointing when
19:22
they start to believe the lies that
19:24
the narcissist is feeding them . So , understanding
19:27
that that doesn't mean you have to keep that
19:29
person in your life . You can
19:31
need to maybe set some boundaries with those people that
19:34
are being manipulated and
19:36
not sharing with them personal or
19:38
vulnerable information that you know is going to likely
19:41
get back to the narcissist , who's then going to use
19:43
that information against you and
19:45
seeking out healthy relationships
19:47
with people who the
19:49
narcissist is not going to
19:51
also manipulate and
19:54
separate and try to put a wedge
19:56
between you and them . So
19:58
sometimes it could be that you're just relying mostly on professional
20:00
relationships . Right , you're a therapist , maybe a coach
20:03
, maybe you come into a community
20:05
or group of
20:07
women who understand this . Come
20:09
join us and strong her . I
20:12
don't want to sound like I'm plugging in a marketing all the time
20:14
. But it's a great place to
20:16
come and be and be surrounded by
20:18
people who the narcissist doesn't
20:20
know . So
20:22
the narcissist cannot come between you
20:24
and the other women in the group that are going to
20:26
be supportive for you , that
20:29
are going to be able to provide you with validation
20:31
for what you're experiencing and
20:33
who likely have also experienced
20:35
this and understand it and get it and
20:38
know how isolating
20:40
and lonely it can feel . So
20:43
with that everyone I hope that helps until
20:45
next week Be well . If you're hearing
20:47
this message , that means you've listened
20:50
all the way to the end , and for that
20:52
I am truly grateful . If you
20:54
enjoyed this episode and found it valuable , would
20:56
you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts
20:59
and sharing it with others ? If
21:01
you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or
21:03
human design reading , you can find me on
21:05
my website or on social media . Also
21:08
, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future
21:10
episode , please DM me . Be
21:12
sure to tune in next week for another episode of
21:14
Stepping into Meaningful Relationships .
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