0:04

Welcome to the Stepping into Meaningful Relationships

0:06

podcast . I'm your host , carissa

0:09

Stepp . I'm a somatic , trauma-informed

0:11

coach and narcissistic abuse specialist

0:13

. This is a podcast for you if

0:15

you are looking to improve your most

0:17

important relationship , the one

0:19

you have with yourself , so you can more

0:22

meaningfully and deeply connect with those

0:24

around you . This podcast will

0:26

equip you with valuable tools , tips

0:28

and tricks essential for recovering from

0:30

toxic relationships and guide

0:33

you towards cultivating healthy , fulfilling

0:35

and intimate connections with others . But

0:38

first let's start with you . I'm

0:40

so excited you're here taking this powerful

0:42

step forward . Thank you for tuning

0:44

in . Now let's get to today's episode

0:47

. Hey

0:52

, hey , everyone . Welcome back to

0:54

another episode of Stepping into Meaningful

0:57

Relationships . I'm your host , carissa

0:59

Stepp . I am very excited

1:01

to be chatting with you today . This

1:03

week we're going to be talking about narcissistic

1:06

manipulation tactics , and

1:09

we're going to be speaking about these especially because

1:11

I think that it's important to become aware

1:14

of , because a lot of times , these

1:16

tactics are used

1:18

, sometimes below our level

1:21

of awareness , and they're

1:23

designed to control and belittle

1:26

and undermine us in these relationships

1:28

, and they can leave these psychological

1:31

scars right and it can cause a lot of emotional

1:33

pain later on . So understanding

1:35

these tactics is really crucial

1:38

for understanding the dynamics number

1:40

one of abuse , but also of

1:42

these toxic relationships , so that

1:44

you can go and seek the appropriate support

1:47

. The first tactic

1:49

is most likely the one that you are most

1:51

familiar with , which is gaslighting

1:54

. Gaslighting is a psychological

1:56

manipulation tool that a narcissist

1:58

will use to make you doubt

2:00

your own recollection of

2:03

events that have happened . That

2:05

will cause you to doubt your perception

2:08

or even your sanity

2:10

. They will deny that certain

2:12

things happened . They might belittle

2:15

your emotions or how you

2:17

feel about something , or even

2:19

take whatever your perception

2:22

is of what happened and twist it

2:24

in a way that favors whatever

2:26

narrative they want you to believe that

2:28

is going to ultimately benefit

2:31

them and , as a result

2:33

, this technique can lead you to feeling

2:35

very confused and

2:37

leave you doubting your

2:40

sense of reality , or

2:42

you might begin to doubt whether or not you're

2:44

able to recall things properly

2:46

and feel in a way that you're losing your

2:48

mind . And that's all

2:50

on purpose . The narcissist wants

2:52

you to feel like you can't trust

2:54

yourself . The narcissist wants you to begin

2:56

to doubt your sense of reality , because

2:59

if they get to shape and

3:01

influence your perception

3:03

of what's actually happening , then most

3:05

likely you're not going to be able

3:07

to recognize that what you're experiencing is

3:09

the narcissist is trying to

3:12

keep their power and their control over you . The

3:15

next manipulation tactic is triangulation

3:18

, and we see

3:20

this a lot when the narcissist will

3:22

use a third party , whether

3:24

that's a friend or a family member or

3:27

someone else , to validate

3:30

their viewpoint

3:32

or to play and pivot

3:34

people against one another . Usually

3:37

, this is the narcissist's way of driving a wedge

3:39

between you and likely someone close to

3:41

you , because the

3:43

narcissist probably perceives

3:46

that maybe A

3:48

this other person can

3:50

see them clearly for who they are . So

3:53

they want to drive distance between you

3:55

and this other person because they are afraid that

3:57

they're going to influence your

3:59

perception of the narcissist and their behavior

4:02

. That would then cause you

4:04

to see them for who they truly are

4:06

. They sometimes will do this

4:08

when they want to create some

4:10

sort of jealousy or competition

4:13

or tension in order to make

4:15

you feel like you're a narcissist , inadequate

4:17

, or make you feel like you don't

4:20

have anyone else in your life that you can

4:22

trust . When they

4:24

can drive a wedge between

4:26

the people you care about that are your

4:28

support network and you , then

4:31

it allows them to have greater

4:33

power and influence over you

4:35

, because then you're only relying on the

4:37

narcissist to influence

4:40

how you think , how you feel , and so

4:42

they'll do this to undermine your relationship

4:44

with other people because

4:47

it's serving their interests in some way

4:49

. They might even try to drive a

4:51

wedge between you and your children as

4:53

a way for you to constantly

4:56

pick the narcissist over

4:58

even your kids , on a daily

5:00

basis , where you're putting the narcissist needs first

5:02

. Again , the narcissist is going to

5:04

use triangulation as a way

5:06

to maybe even incite jealousy

5:09

within you , because if you are

5:11

jealous of , say , the narcissist's relationship

5:14

with a third party , then

5:16

that means you're going to try even harder to win

5:20

the narcissist's favor . You're going to try even

5:22

harder to keep

5:24

the narcissist in the relationship by

5:26

going above and beyond to

5:29

serve their needs , to maybe

5:31

boost their ego . You

5:33

might love them more , or

5:36

love them harder , or try harder

5:38

in the relationship . They also

5:40

might try to create this competition between

5:43

whether or not you're giving the narcissist

5:45

more attention than this other person in

5:47

your life . And they do that because

5:49

, again , they want to keep all of your

5:52

energy , your focus , your attention

5:54

, your love on them

5:56

, because they need it in order to feel

5:59

safe , because the narcissist

6:01

has a big fear of

6:03

abandonment . The narcissist is

6:05

deeply insecure , and

6:08

so if you put all your time

6:10

and attention into them , then

6:12

they feel number one secure , but

6:15

number two , they feel more important

6:17

than other people . So

6:20

the narcissist is going to use this

6:22

triangulation in order

6:24

to continue to get and

6:27

secure and maintain their

6:29

narcissistic supply . Another

6:33

tactic of the narcissist is coercive control . Coercive

6:36

control is a pattern that we've talked about before in

6:38

the podcast when we had Jennifer Parker on where

6:41

we discussed in depth coercive relationships . Coercive

6:44

control is a pattern of behavior that

6:46

seeks to take away

6:49

your ability to

6:51

number one make decisions for yourself

6:54

. It attempts to

6:56

restrict your civil

6:59

rights to come

7:01

and go as you please , to spend

7:03

time with whomever you want . They

7:05

might even be trying to control what

7:08

you wear or how you look , and

7:10

it could even come down to managing

7:13

and controlling finances , where

7:15

they no longer allow you to make

7:17

decisions around how money is spent or

7:19

invested . The narcissist will

7:22

justify this type of behavior

7:24

as them being

7:26

very concerned or very caring

7:28

. It might look like they're very

7:31

protective over you . A

7:33

narcissist might also use the tactic

7:35

of isolation , so triangulation

7:38

can kind of play into this too . Right , the whole

7:40

, I think , end goal of triangulation

7:43

is number one yes , to get the narcissist's needs

7:45

met and their ego boosted and for them

7:47

to feel secure , but it also

7:50

can be this underlying motivation

7:52

to isolate you from

7:54

people that you are close to , so

7:57

they're going to look to do whatever they can

8:00

to manipulate you into

8:02

spending less time with the people

8:04

that you care about . They want to literally

8:06

separate you from the supportive relationships

8:08

that you have in your life , and

8:11

this could be achieved by maybe

8:13

causing you to have to move far

8:15

away from your loved ones . It

8:18

might look like criticizing your

8:20

close relationships and making you question

8:22

whether or not these other people have your

8:24

best interests at heart , because perhaps

8:27

maybe the narcissist is letting you know that they

8:29

are the only ones who know what's best for

8:31

you . They're the only ones who really

8:33

love you or really care about you or

8:36

really see you for who you are , or

8:38

love you for all of who you are , whereas

8:40

these other people in your life don't

8:42

. They might also try to

8:44

monopolize your time , so this

8:47

is also part of the isolation tactic , where

8:49

they might , before

8:51

you're going out to spend time with

8:53

friends , they might pitch a

8:55

big fit and make

8:57

you feel really guilty as

8:59

a result , cause you to then make the

9:01

decision that you're not going to go out with your friends

9:04

because you feel bad . You

9:06

feel bad that you have maybe hurt their

9:08

feelings , or maybe you feel so

9:11

much guilt that you feel like , oh , I can't leave

9:14

my partner at home because

9:16

they have nothing to do . And this is really selfish

9:18

of me to want to go out and be with my friends while they're

9:20

at home alone . And the narcissist

9:22

is going to play into that narrative and they're going to just keep

9:25

reaffirming that so that you

9:27

start to eventually spend less and

9:29

less time with family or friends

9:31

. And that's all

9:33

on purpose because , again , we all

9:35

need supportive relationships in our lives

9:37

and if you are no

9:40

longer maintaining

9:42

those relationships because the

9:44

narcissist has manipulated you to let those

9:46

go or to place a distance between you and

9:49

the supportive people in your life , your support

9:51

network , then they have more

9:53

influence , they have more control

9:55

. The narcissist might also use

9:58

the silent treatment . This is an emotionally

10:00

abusive behavior , because

10:02

if the narcissist is using

10:06

the silent treatment to withhold

10:08

emotional support , or

10:11

the narcissist is using the silent treatment

10:13

to punish you for something

10:15

that maybe you did , and

10:17

maybe what you did was just merely

10:20

set a boundary , or maybe

10:22

you spoke up for yourself , or maybe you challenged

10:24

the narcissist in some way , where

10:27

now they feel threatened . So

10:29

, as a result , they ignore

10:31

you , they freeze you out

10:33

, they refuse to speak to you and

10:35

typically the silent treatment will last for hours

10:38

to even days , it

10:41

could even be months , depending on the relationship

10:43

, where they will not even acknowledge your presence

10:45

and , as a result , the reason why they keep

10:48

doing this is because they

10:50

feel like they have power and they have

10:52

control . Then , if they're not acknowledging

10:54

you , if they're not providing you with

10:56

emotional support , you

10:58

might be thinking well , what did I do

11:00

wrong ? It might encourage you

11:02

to even apologize for something that you didn't even

11:04

do . It might encourage

11:07

you to try harder in the

11:09

relationship to try and make them

11:11

happy again , to get them to stop ignoring

11:13

you . But really their whole

11:15

purpose is to inflict this emotional pain

11:18

on you and regain that control . Because

11:20

if you are a person that tends

11:22

to over apologize

11:24

or is maybe naturally

11:26

a little bit more submissive , then using

11:29

this tactic of the silent treatment enables

11:32

the narcissist to regain that control

11:34

over you after some sort of confrontation

11:37

or conflict or when they are acting in a way that they

11:39

don't approve of or agree with

11:41

, or where they feel threatened . Then

11:43

there is projection . This

11:45

is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist will

11:48

begin to accuse you

11:50

of their own that's precipitate

11:53

actions or their own behaviors or

11:55

their own feelings or their own patterns

11:58

of behavior or traits . So , as

12:00

an example of you know , maybe

12:02

a narcissist is a compulsive

12:04

liar and , as a result

12:06

, they start to project

12:09

out onto you that you're always lying

12:11

, that you're the compulsive liar , or maybe

12:13

that you were the narcissist right

12:16

. So they will deflect the blame

12:18

and make you

12:20

question your actions and your feelings

12:22

, which is going to lead to more

12:25

guilt and confusion , so that they

12:27

can control you . This projection

12:29

is sometimes also called deflect

12:32

and reverse victim and offender . What

12:34

that means is the narcissist

12:37

will shift the blame , even

12:40

if it's something that they did wrong . They will shift the blame

12:42

to you and

12:44

then act like they are the victim

12:46

and you are the offender , which makes you

12:48

question your reality . It might make

12:50

you question your feelings

12:53

about what happened or question

12:55

whether or not what happened really happened

12:57

. And if you're someone again who is very

12:59

quick to apologize and

13:01

accept responsibility , well then that works in favor

13:04

for the narcissist . The narcissist

13:06

loves that , because

13:08

then they never have to take accountability , because

13:10

you're taking all of it all the time . Then

13:12

there are the flying monkeys , and

13:15

this is a term that is obviously borrowed from

13:17

the movie the Wizard of Oz , where

13:21

the narcissist will manipulate other

13:23

people to carry out

13:25

or enact their

13:27

agenda . Flying monkey oftentimes is trying

13:30

to get the validation or approval of the narcissist

13:32

. So again , there's a power imbalance in this

13:34

relationship . The narcissist

13:36

will act like , perhaps , the victim

13:38

and , as a result , the flying

13:41

monkey feels bad and they want

13:43

to help . So what they might

13:45

do is they might try and gather

13:47

information , either

13:50

from you directly or people close

13:52

to you , and they

13:54

will be the ones who will start spreading

13:56

this gossip of whatever

13:58

it is that the narcissist has told them about

14:00

you that is factually

14:03

incorrect , and

14:05

, as a result , the flying monkey will then also

14:08

attack the victim indirectly

14:10

. They're pointing the finger at you

14:13

as opposed to realizing

14:15

and recognizing that the stories

14:17

that they have been told by the narcissist

14:19

are either inaccurate or that they've been manipulated

14:22

by the narcissist as well . So

14:24

now , with these flying monkeys

14:26

, not only is the narcissist

14:28

abusing you , this abuse

14:31

now extends beyond that relationship

14:33

by involving other people , which

14:35

continues to then further isolate

14:37

and undermine you . This

14:40

also goes hand in hand with smear campaigns

14:42

. This is where the narcissist

14:44

is going to be spreading some false and

14:46

exaggerated and inaccurate information

14:49

about you to friends and family or acquaintances

14:51

. This could happen in a workplace , and

14:54

this usually happens after the relationship

14:56

has either ended or there's

14:58

been some big confrontation , or

15:01

maybe you have tried to leave the relationship

15:04

or tried to end the relationship . The

15:07

narcissist is going to then try to discredit

15:09

you and gain the sympathy

15:11

of other people again , acting like the victim

15:13

, to control the narrative

15:15

, to make it look like they're

15:18

the ones who are being hurt

15:20

by you , that

15:23

they're the ones who are the victims

15:25

in this , that they

15:27

did nothing wrong , that they

15:29

are the model citizen , the model

15:31

partner , the model father , the model

15:33

employee . So when smear

15:36

campaigns happen and when

15:38

there is this addition of the flying monkeys

15:40

to carry out the smear campaign , it

15:43

just compounds the

15:45

abuse and then ultimately , the trauma

15:47

that you might experience from

15:50

this narcissistic relationship

15:52

. It could leave you feeling like you

15:54

don't know who to trust , because these

15:56

flying monkeys that the narcissist is going

15:59

to bring in are oftentimes the people

16:01

that are potentially closest to you

16:03

, or it might be the

16:05

spouse of someone very close to you . They

16:07

find another way to infiltrate your

16:10

inner circle through their

16:12

own relationships or through people that

16:14

are maybe once removed but

16:16

close enough that it's going to get back to you

16:18

or that it's going to isolate

16:20

you away from the people that are closest to

16:22

you . And then , of course , the whole abuse

16:25

cycle in general is a

16:27

manipulation in and of itself . The

16:29

love bombing that happens during the idealization

16:31

phase is manipulative . The

16:34

devaluation phase is manipulative

16:37

because you're being criticized and belittled and

16:39

undermined , and so that

16:41

cycle of like the love bombing

16:43

or idealization and the devaluation

16:46

is a cycle that just

16:48

continues where you become hopeful

16:50

for the return of the affection to partner that

16:52

you once knew . That's also

16:54

manipulation . So

16:57

I hope that this helps bring a little bit of awareness

16:59

around some of the tactics that a narcissist

17:01

uses , so that you can be more

17:03

aware of when it's happening

17:06

and how to get

17:08

the support that you need . Sometimes

17:10

, when we start to experience , especially

17:13

like that smear campaign and the flying monkeys and

17:15

all of that , it does cause

17:17

us to isolate . So a

17:19

lot of these are kind of go hand in hand . If

17:22

the narcissist is engaging in a smear campaign

17:24

and they are enlisting flying monkeys

17:26

and they are

17:28

using isolation tactic on top

17:31

of it , or they're involving a third

17:33

party specifically over and over again

17:35

, right that triangulation to drive that

17:37

wedge . Then

17:39

the trauma that we can experience from

17:41

that level of abuse , when it is coming

17:43

at us from so many different angles , can

17:46

cause a deep sense of

17:49

loss , a loss

17:51

of trust in others

17:53

, in ourselves , and

17:56

it can be really damaging to our

17:58

self worth , to our sense of love ability

18:00

. Our circle of

18:03

supportive relationships of our network continues

18:06

to grow smaller and smaller and smaller . So

18:09

it's really important to be aware of these things so

18:12

that you're not left struggling

18:15

alone , so that you can set boundaries

18:17

in your relationships , so

18:20

that you can have the confidence

18:22

and the courage to have assertive

18:25

conversations with people who

18:27

begin to engage in this type of

18:29

manipulation right , and it's not

18:31

even that they're manipulative , they're being manipulated

18:34

to then act in the way in which

18:36

they are towards you , and it's happening

18:38

below their level of awareness as well . So

18:41

you know , maybe at some point , once

18:44

some distance and time has gone by , maybe you can

18:46

repair those relationships with that person If

18:49

they are able to recognize that

18:51

they were also being manipulated , and

18:54

having compassion for them as well . And

18:56

I know that that might seem really hard , especially

18:58

if you are feeling really hurt . It

19:01

can be very hard because

19:03

most likely you're going to feel very angry about

19:07

what has happened and angry

19:09

that this person that you thought knew you so

19:11

well or that loved you so much , or

19:13

that has been a part of your life for so long

19:15

and knows you almost better

19:17

than most other people in your life . It

19:19

can be really disappointing when

19:22

they start to believe the lies that

19:24

the narcissist is feeding them . So , understanding

19:27

that that doesn't mean you have to keep that

19:29

person in your life . You can

19:31

need to maybe set some boundaries with those people that

19:34

are being manipulated and

19:36

not sharing with them personal or

19:38

vulnerable information that you know is going to likely

19:41

get back to the narcissist , who's then going to use

19:43

that information against you and

19:45

seeking out healthy relationships

19:47

with people who the

19:49

narcissist is not going to

19:51

also manipulate and

19:54

separate and try to put a wedge

19:56

between you and them . So

19:58

sometimes it could be that you're just relying mostly on professional

20:00

relationships . Right , you're a therapist , maybe a coach

20:03

, maybe you come into a community

20:05

or group of

20:07

women who understand this . Come

20:09

join us and strong her . I

20:12

don't want to sound like I'm plugging in a marketing all the time

20:14

. But it's a great place to

20:16

come and be and be surrounded by

20:18

people who the narcissist doesn't

20:20

know . So

20:22

the narcissist cannot come between you

20:24

and the other women in the group that are going to

20:26

be supportive for you , that

20:29

are going to be able to provide you with validation

20:31

for what you're experiencing and

20:33

who likely have also experienced

20:35

this and understand it and get it and

20:38

know how isolating

20:40

and lonely it can feel . So

20:43

with that everyone I hope that helps until

20:45

next week Be well . If you're hearing

20:47

this message , that means you've listened

20:50

all the way to the end , and for that

20:52

I am truly grateful . If you

20:54

enjoyed this episode and found it valuable , would

20:56

you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts

20:59

and sharing it with others ? If

21:01

you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or

21:03

human design reading , you can find me on

21:05

my website or on social media . Also

21:08

, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future

21:10

episode , please DM me . Be

21:12

sure to tune in next week for another episode of

21:14

Stepping into Meaningful Relationships .