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Understanding Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics and How to Recover from the Hurt

Understanding Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics and How to Recover from the Hurt

Released Tuesday, 13th February 2024
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Understanding Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics and How to Recover from the Hurt

Understanding Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics and How to Recover from the Hurt

Understanding Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics and How to Recover from the Hurt

Understanding Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics and How to Recover from the Hurt

Tuesday, 13th February 2024
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0:04

Welcome to the Stepping into Meaningful Relationships

0:06

podcast . I'm your host , carissa

0:09

Stepp . I'm a somatic , trauma-informed

0:11

coach and narcissistic abuse specialist

0:13

. This is a podcast for you if

0:15

you are looking to improve your most

0:17

important relationship , the one

0:19

you have with yourself , so you can more

0:22

meaningfully and deeply connect with those

0:24

around you . This podcast will

0:26

equip you with valuable tools , tips

0:28

and tricks essential for recovering from

0:30

toxic relationships and guide

0:33

you towards cultivating healthy , fulfilling

0:35

and intimate connections with others . But

0:38

first let's start with you . I'm

0:40

so excited you're here taking this powerful

0:42

step forward . Thank you for tuning

0:44

in . Now let's get to today's episode

0:47

. Hey

0:52

, hey , everyone . Welcome back to

0:54

another episode of Stepping into Meaningful

0:57

Relationships . I'm your host , carissa

0:59

Stepp . I am very excited

1:01

to be chatting with you today . This

1:03

week we're going to be talking about narcissistic

1:06

manipulation tactics , and

1:09

we're going to be speaking about these especially because

1:11

I think that it's important to become aware

1:14

of , because a lot of times , these

1:16

tactics are used

1:18

, sometimes below our level

1:21

of awareness , and they're

1:23

designed to control and belittle

1:26

and undermine us in these relationships

1:28

, and they can leave these psychological

1:31

scars right and it can cause a lot of emotional

1:33

pain later on . So understanding

1:35

these tactics is really crucial

1:38

for understanding the dynamics number

1:40

one of abuse , but also of

1:42

these toxic relationships , so that

1:44

you can go and seek the appropriate support

1:47

. The first tactic

1:49

is most likely the one that you are most

1:51

familiar with , which is gaslighting

1:54

. Gaslighting is a psychological

1:56

manipulation tool that a narcissist

1:58

will use to make you doubt

2:00

your own recollection of

2:03

events that have happened . That

2:05

will cause you to doubt your perception

2:08

or even your sanity

2:10

. They will deny that certain

2:12

things happened . They might belittle

2:15

your emotions or how you

2:17

feel about something , or even

2:19

take whatever your perception

2:22

is of what happened and twist it

2:24

in a way that favors whatever

2:26

narrative they want you to believe that

2:28

is going to ultimately benefit

2:31

them and , as a result

2:33

, this technique can lead you to feeling

2:35

very confused and

2:37

leave you doubting your

2:40

sense of reality , or

2:42

you might begin to doubt whether or not you're

2:44

able to recall things properly

2:46

and feel in a way that you're losing your

2:48

mind . And that's all

2:50

on purpose . The narcissist wants

2:52

you to feel like you can't trust

2:54

yourself . The narcissist wants you to begin

2:56

to doubt your sense of reality , because

2:59

if they get to shape and

3:01

influence your perception

3:03

of what's actually happening , then most

3:05

likely you're not going to be able

3:07

to recognize that what you're experiencing is

3:09

the narcissist is trying to

3:12

keep their power and their control over you . The

3:15

next manipulation tactic is triangulation

3:18

, and we see

3:20

this a lot when the narcissist will

3:22

use a third party , whether

3:24

that's a friend or a family member or

3:27

someone else , to validate

3:30

their viewpoint

3:32

or to play and pivot

3:34

people against one another . Usually

3:37

, this is the narcissist's way of driving a wedge

3:39

between you and likely someone close to

3:41

you , because the

3:43

narcissist probably perceives

3:46

that maybe A

3:48

this other person can

3:50

see them clearly for who they are . So

3:53

they want to drive distance between you

3:55

and this other person because they are afraid that

3:57

they're going to influence your

3:59

perception of the narcissist and their behavior

4:02

. That would then cause you

4:04

to see them for who they truly are

4:06

. They sometimes will do this

4:08

when they want to create some

4:10

sort of jealousy or competition

4:13

or tension in order to make

4:15

you feel like you're a narcissist , inadequate

4:17

, or make you feel like you don't

4:20

have anyone else in your life that you can

4:22

trust . When they

4:24

can drive a wedge between

4:26

the people you care about that are your

4:28

support network and you , then

4:31

it allows them to have greater

4:33

power and influence over you

4:35

, because then you're only relying on the

4:37

narcissist to influence

4:40

how you think , how you feel , and so

4:42

they'll do this to undermine your relationship

4:44

with other people because

4:47

it's serving their interests in some way

4:49

. They might even try to drive a

4:51

wedge between you and your children as

4:53

a way for you to constantly

4:56

pick the narcissist over

4:58

even your kids , on a daily

5:00

basis , where you're putting the narcissist needs first

5:02

. Again , the narcissist is going to

5:04

use triangulation as a way

5:06

to maybe even incite jealousy

5:09

within you , because if you are

5:11

jealous of , say , the narcissist's relationship

5:14

with a third party , then

5:16

that means you're going to try even harder to win

5:20

the narcissist's favor . You're going to try even

5:22

harder to keep

5:24

the narcissist in the relationship by

5:26

going above and beyond to

5:29

serve their needs , to maybe

5:31

boost their ego . You

5:33

might love them more , or

5:36

love them harder , or try harder

5:38

in the relationship . They also

5:40

might try to create this competition between

5:43

whether or not you're giving the narcissist

5:45

more attention than this other person in

5:47

your life . And they do that because

5:49

, again , they want to keep all of your

5:52

energy , your focus , your attention

5:54

, your love on them

5:56

, because they need it in order to feel

5:59

safe , because the narcissist

6:01

has a big fear of

6:03

abandonment . The narcissist is

6:05

deeply insecure , and

6:08

so if you put all your time

6:10

and attention into them , then

6:12

they feel number one secure , but

6:15

number two , they feel more important

6:17

than other people . So

6:20

the narcissist is going to use this

6:22

triangulation in order

6:24

to continue to get and

6:27

secure and maintain their

6:29

narcissistic supply . Another

6:33

tactic of the narcissist is coercive control . Coercive

6:36

control is a pattern that we've talked about before in

6:38

the podcast when we had Jennifer Parker on where

6:41

we discussed in depth coercive relationships . Coercive

6:44

control is a pattern of behavior that

6:46

seeks to take away

6:49

your ability to

6:51

number one make decisions for yourself

6:54

. It attempts to

6:56

restrict your civil

6:59

rights to come

7:01

and go as you please , to spend

7:03

time with whomever you want . They

7:05

might even be trying to control what

7:08

you wear or how you look , and

7:10

it could even come down to managing

7:13

and controlling finances , where

7:15

they no longer allow you to make

7:17

decisions around how money is spent or

7:19

invested . The narcissist will

7:22

justify this type of behavior

7:24

as them being

7:26

very concerned or very caring

7:28

. It might look like they're very

7:31

protective over you . A

7:33

narcissist might also use the tactic

7:35

of isolation , so triangulation

7:38

can kind of play into this too . Right , the whole

7:40

, I think , end goal of triangulation

7:43

is number one yes , to get the narcissist's needs

7:45

met and their ego boosted and for them

7:47

to feel secure , but it also

7:50

can be this underlying motivation

7:52

to isolate you from

7:54

people that you are close to , so

7:57

they're going to look to do whatever they can

8:00

to manipulate you into

8:02

spending less time with the people

8:04

that you care about . They want to literally

8:06

separate you from the supportive relationships

8:08

that you have in your life , and

8:11

this could be achieved by maybe

8:13

causing you to have to move far

8:15

away from your loved ones . It

8:18

might look like criticizing your

8:20

close relationships and making you question

8:22

whether or not these other people have your

8:24

best interests at heart , because perhaps

8:27

maybe the narcissist is letting you know that they

8:29

are the only ones who know what's best for

8:31

you . They're the only ones who really

8:33

love you or really care about you or

8:36

really see you for who you are , or

8:38

love you for all of who you are , whereas

8:40

these other people in your life don't

8:42

. They might also try to

8:44

monopolize your time , so this

8:47

is also part of the isolation tactic , where

8:49

they might , before

8:51

you're going out to spend time with

8:53

friends , they might pitch a

8:55

big fit and make

8:57

you feel really guilty as

8:59

a result , cause you to then make the

9:01

decision that you're not going to go out with your friends

9:04

because you feel bad . You

9:06

feel bad that you have maybe hurt their

9:08

feelings , or maybe you feel so

9:11

much guilt that you feel like , oh , I can't leave

9:14

my partner at home because

9:16

they have nothing to do . And this is really selfish

9:18

of me to want to go out and be with my friends while they're

9:20

at home alone . And the narcissist

9:22

is going to play into that narrative and they're going to just keep

9:25

reaffirming that so that you

9:27

start to eventually spend less and

9:29

less time with family or friends

9:31

. And that's all

9:33

on purpose because , again , we all

9:35

need supportive relationships in our lives

9:37

and if you are no

9:40

longer maintaining

9:42

those relationships because the

9:44

narcissist has manipulated you to let those

9:46

go or to place a distance between you and

9:49

the supportive people in your life , your support

9:51

network , then they have more

9:53

influence , they have more control

9:55

. The narcissist might also use

9:58

the silent treatment . This is an emotionally

10:00

abusive behavior , because

10:02

if the narcissist is using

10:06

the silent treatment to withhold

10:08

emotional support , or

10:11

the narcissist is using the silent treatment

10:13

to punish you for something

10:15

that maybe you did , and

10:17

maybe what you did was just merely

10:20

set a boundary , or maybe

10:22

you spoke up for yourself , or maybe you challenged

10:24

the narcissist in some way , where

10:27

now they feel threatened . So

10:29

, as a result , they ignore

10:31

you , they freeze you out

10:33

, they refuse to speak to you and

10:35

typically the silent treatment will last for hours

10:38

to even days , it

10:41

could even be months , depending on the relationship

10:43

, where they will not even acknowledge your presence

10:45

and , as a result , the reason why they keep

10:48

doing this is because they

10:50

feel like they have power and they have

10:52

control . Then , if they're not acknowledging

10:54

you , if they're not providing you with

10:56

emotional support , you

10:58

might be thinking well , what did I do

11:00

wrong ? It might encourage you

11:02

to even apologize for something that you didn't even

11:04

do . It might encourage

11:07

you to try harder in the

11:09

relationship to try and make them

11:11

happy again , to get them to stop ignoring

11:13

you . But really their whole

11:15

purpose is to inflict this emotional pain

11:18

on you and regain that control . Because

11:20

if you are a person that tends

11:22

to over apologize

11:24

or is maybe naturally

11:26

a little bit more submissive , then using

11:29

this tactic of the silent treatment enables

11:32

the narcissist to regain that control

11:34

over you after some sort of confrontation

11:37

or conflict or when they are acting in a way that they

11:39

don't approve of or agree with

11:41

, or where they feel threatened . Then

11:43

there is projection . This

11:45

is a manipulative tactic where the narcissist will

11:48

begin to accuse you

11:50

of their own that's precipitate

11:53

actions or their own behaviors or

11:55

their own feelings or their own patterns

11:58

of behavior or traits . So , as

12:00

an example of you know , maybe

12:02

a narcissist is a compulsive

12:04

liar and , as a result

12:06

, they start to project

12:09

out onto you that you're always lying

12:11

, that you're the compulsive liar , or maybe

12:13

that you were the narcissist right

12:16

. So they will deflect the blame

12:18

and make you

12:20

question your actions and your feelings

12:22

, which is going to lead to more

12:25

guilt and confusion , so that they

12:27

can control you . This projection

12:29

is sometimes also called deflect

12:32

and reverse victim and offender . What

12:34

that means is the narcissist

12:37

will shift the blame , even

12:40

if it's something that they did wrong . They will shift the blame

12:42

to you and

12:44

then act like they are the victim

12:46

and you are the offender , which makes you

12:48

question your reality . It might make

12:50

you question your feelings

12:53

about what happened or question

12:55

whether or not what happened really happened

12:57

. And if you're someone again who is very

12:59

quick to apologize and

13:01

accept responsibility , well then that works in favor

13:04

for the narcissist . The narcissist

13:06

loves that , because

13:08

then they never have to take accountability , because

13:10

you're taking all of it all the time . Then

13:12

there are the flying monkeys , and

13:15

this is a term that is obviously borrowed from

13:17

the movie the Wizard of Oz , where

13:21

the narcissist will manipulate other

13:23

people to carry out

13:25

or enact their

13:27

agenda . Flying monkey oftentimes is trying

13:30

to get the validation or approval of the narcissist

13:32

. So again , there's a power imbalance in this

13:34

relationship . The narcissist

13:36

will act like , perhaps , the victim

13:38

and , as a result , the flying

13:41

monkey feels bad and they want

13:43

to help . So what they might

13:45

do is they might try and gather

13:47

information , either

13:50

from you directly or people close

13:52

to you , and they

13:54

will be the ones who will start spreading

13:56

this gossip of whatever

13:58

it is that the narcissist has told them about

14:00

you that is factually

14:03

incorrect , and

14:05

, as a result , the flying monkey will then also

14:08

attack the victim indirectly

14:10

. They're pointing the finger at you

14:13

as opposed to realizing

14:15

and recognizing that the stories

14:17

that they have been told by the narcissist

14:19

are either inaccurate or that they've been manipulated

14:22

by the narcissist as well . So

14:24

now , with these flying monkeys

14:26

, not only is the narcissist

14:28

abusing you , this abuse

14:31

now extends beyond that relationship

14:33

by involving other people , which

14:35

continues to then further isolate

14:37

and undermine you . This

14:40

also goes hand in hand with smear campaigns

14:42

. This is where the narcissist

14:44

is going to be spreading some false and

14:46

exaggerated and inaccurate information

14:49

about you to friends and family or acquaintances

14:51

. This could happen in a workplace , and

14:54

this usually happens after the relationship

14:56

has either ended or there's

14:58

been some big confrontation , or

15:01

maybe you have tried to leave the relationship

15:04

or tried to end the relationship . The

15:07

narcissist is going to then try to discredit

15:09

you and gain the sympathy

15:11

of other people again , acting like the victim

15:13

, to control the narrative

15:15

, to make it look like they're

15:18

the ones who are being hurt

15:20

by you , that

15:23

they're the ones who are the victims

15:25

in this , that they

15:27

did nothing wrong , that they

15:29

are the model citizen , the model

15:31

partner , the model father , the model

15:33

employee . So when smear

15:36

campaigns happen and when

15:38

there is this addition of the flying monkeys

15:40

to carry out the smear campaign , it

15:43

just compounds the

15:45

abuse and then ultimately , the trauma

15:47

that you might experience from

15:50

this narcissistic relationship

15:52

. It could leave you feeling like you

15:54

don't know who to trust , because these

15:56

flying monkeys that the narcissist is going

15:59

to bring in are oftentimes the people

16:01

that are potentially closest to you

16:03

, or it might be the

16:05

spouse of someone very close to you . They

16:07

find another way to infiltrate your

16:10

inner circle through their

16:12

own relationships or through people that

16:14

are maybe once removed but

16:16

close enough that it's going to get back to you

16:18

or that it's going to isolate

16:20

you away from the people that are closest to

16:22

you . And then , of course , the whole abuse

16:25

cycle in general is a

16:27

manipulation in and of itself . The

16:29

love bombing that happens during the idealization

16:31

phase is manipulative . The

16:34

devaluation phase is manipulative

16:37

because you're being criticized and belittled and

16:39

undermined , and so that

16:41

cycle of like the love bombing

16:43

or idealization and the devaluation

16:46

is a cycle that just

16:48

continues where you become hopeful

16:50

for the return of the affection to partner that

16:52

you once knew . That's also

16:54

manipulation . So

16:57

I hope that this helps bring a little bit of awareness

16:59

around some of the tactics that a narcissist

17:01

uses , so that you can be more

17:03

aware of when it's happening

17:06

and how to get

17:08

the support that you need . Sometimes

17:10

, when we start to experience , especially

17:13

like that smear campaign and the flying monkeys and

17:15

all of that , it does cause

17:17

us to isolate . So a

17:19

lot of these are kind of go hand in hand . If

17:22

the narcissist is engaging in a smear campaign

17:24

and they are enlisting flying monkeys

17:26

and they are

17:28

using isolation tactic on top

17:31

of it , or they're involving a third

17:33

party specifically over and over again

17:35

, right that triangulation to drive that

17:37

wedge . Then

17:39

the trauma that we can experience from

17:41

that level of abuse , when it is coming

17:43

at us from so many different angles , can

17:46

cause a deep sense of

17:49

loss , a loss

17:51

of trust in others

17:53

, in ourselves , and

17:56

it can be really damaging to our

17:58

self worth , to our sense of love ability

18:00

. Our circle of

18:03

supportive relationships of our network continues

18:06

to grow smaller and smaller and smaller . So

18:09

it's really important to be aware of these things so

18:12

that you're not left struggling

18:15

alone , so that you can set boundaries

18:17

in your relationships , so

18:20

that you can have the confidence

18:22

and the courage to have assertive

18:25

conversations with people who

18:27

begin to engage in this type of

18:29

manipulation right , and it's not

18:31

even that they're manipulative , they're being manipulated

18:34

to then act in the way in which

18:36

they are towards you , and it's happening

18:38

below their level of awareness as well . So

18:41

you know , maybe at some point , once

18:44

some distance and time has gone by , maybe you can

18:46

repair those relationships with that person If

18:49

they are able to recognize that

18:51

they were also being manipulated , and

18:54

having compassion for them as well . And

18:56

I know that that might seem really hard , especially

18:58

if you are feeling really hurt . It

19:01

can be very hard because

19:03

most likely you're going to feel very angry about

19:07

what has happened and angry

19:09

that this person that you thought knew you so

19:11

well or that loved you so much , or

19:13

that has been a part of your life for so long

19:15

and knows you almost better

19:17

than most other people in your life . It

19:19

can be really disappointing when

19:22

they start to believe the lies that

19:24

the narcissist is feeding them . So , understanding

19:27

that that doesn't mean you have to keep that

19:29

person in your life . You can

19:31

need to maybe set some boundaries with those people that

19:34

are being manipulated and

19:36

not sharing with them personal or

19:38

vulnerable information that you know is going to likely

19:41

get back to the narcissist , who's then going to use

19:43

that information against you and

19:45

seeking out healthy relationships

19:47

with people who the

19:49

narcissist is not going to

19:51

also manipulate and

19:54

separate and try to put a wedge

19:56

between you and them . So

19:58

sometimes it could be that you're just relying mostly on professional

20:00

relationships . Right , you're a therapist , maybe a coach

20:03

, maybe you come into a community

20:05

or group of

20:07

women who understand this . Come

20:09

join us and strong her . I

20:12

don't want to sound like I'm plugging in a marketing all the time

20:14

. But it's a great place to

20:16

come and be and be surrounded by

20:18

people who the narcissist doesn't

20:20

know . So

20:22

the narcissist cannot come between you

20:24

and the other women in the group that are going to

20:26

be supportive for you , that

20:29

are going to be able to provide you with validation

20:31

for what you're experiencing and

20:33

who likely have also experienced

20:35

this and understand it and get it and

20:38

know how isolating

20:40

and lonely it can feel . So

20:43

with that everyone I hope that helps until

20:45

next week Be well . If you're hearing

20:47

this message , that means you've listened

20:50

all the way to the end , and for that

20:52

I am truly grateful . If you

20:54

enjoyed this episode and found it valuable , would

20:56

you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts

20:59

and sharing it with others ? If

21:01

you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or

21:03

human design reading , you can find me on

21:05

my website or on social media . Also

21:08

, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future

21:10

episode , please DM me . Be

21:12

sure to tune in next week for another episode of

21:14

Stepping into Meaningful Relationships .

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