0:04

Welcome to the Stepping into Meaningful Relationships

0:06

podcast . I'm your host , carissa

0:09

Stepp . I'm a somatic , trauma-informed

0:11

coach and narcissistic abuse specialist

0:13

. This is a podcast for you if

0:15

you are looking to improve your most

0:17

important relationship , the one

0:19

you have with yourself , so you can more

0:22

meaningfully and deeply connect with

0:24

those around you . This podcast

0:26

will equip you with valuable tools

0:28

, tips and tricks essential for recovering

0:30

from toxic relationships and guide

0:33

you towards cultivating healthy , fulfilling

0:35

and intimate connections with others . But

0:38

first , let's start with you . I'm

0:40

so excited you're here taking this powerful

0:42

step forward . Thank you for tuning

0:44

in . Now let's get to today's episode

0:47

. Hey

0:52

, hey , everyone . Welcome back

0:54

to another episode of Stepping into Meaningful

0:56

Relationships . I'm your host , carissa

0:58

Stepp , and So

2:16

you've probably heard the term

2:18

love bombing . This is the

2:20

idealization phase , or the first

2:22

phase of the narcissistic

2:25

abuse cycle . This is where

2:27

someone will come in . You'll meet someone

2:29

new and they really

2:31

just want to spend a lot of time with you . It

2:34

can look even like a lot of excessive

2:36

flattery . It may

2:39

appear like they're very generous . They

2:41

might buy you extravagant

2:43

gifts or just little things

2:45

, little gifts , to let you know that they're thinking about

2:48

you . It might be expensive

2:50

dinners or them taking you

2:52

on these big , fancy day

2:55

long dates or something like that Clearly

2:57

what the intention is that they're trying to make you the

2:59

center of attention in some way . Now

3:02

this is going to be a little bit different with a

3:04

covert narcissist , because a covert narcissist

3:06

is not going to take a grandiose approach

3:09

like an overt grandiose

3:11

narcissist and if you have no idea

3:13

what I'm talking about , I highly encourage

3:15

you to go back and check out last

3:18

week's podcast episode where

3:20

I dove into the 10

3:22

different types of narcissists . So

3:25

it may look a little bit like

3:27

excessive praise or

3:29

a lot of validation . It

3:32

could look like they're

3:34

trying to express

3:37

to you how much they really approve of

3:39

either who you are , or they

3:42

might express that they are very impressed

3:44

with how much you've achieved

3:46

or how far you've come in life . It

3:48

could translate into them checking in on you

3:50

often . It could look like them

3:53

performing little acts of kindness . It

3:55

can look like for a more grandiose

3:58

or an overt narcissist it can be more of these excessive

4:01

expressions of affection

4:03

where maybe it's like

4:05

these really beautiful long

4:08

love notes , text messages

4:10

or emails or anything like that , where you really

4:12

feel like you are getting

4:14

a ton of love

4:17

and recognition and

4:20

attention in a way that

4:22

maybe feels really really

4:24

good , because perhaps

4:26

maybe you have experienced a lot of

4:28

bad relationships , maybe you

4:30

just got out of one , and so

4:33

when the narcissist comes in and they

4:35

start love bombing you like this , it

4:37

can actually feel like it's filling these holes

4:39

in your soul and it can

4:41

become addictive because it

4:43

feels so good . You

4:47

may see that the narcissist , very early on in

4:49

a relationship may say I love you

4:51

, or they may intonate

4:53

that you're the one that they've been searching

4:55

for and how lucky they are to have

4:57

found the one , or how lucky you both

4:59

are to have found each other . It's

5:02

really sort of it can be very much over

5:05

the top , unless , of course , you

5:07

are with a covert narcissist , where

5:09

it's going to be a little bit more subtle , but

5:11

they're going to find ways to make you feel special

5:14

. They might compare you a lot to their exes

5:16

, but essentially the point is that they're trying

5:18

to create this emotional

5:20

euphoria that feels

5:23

really really good , to impress

5:25

you in some way , right , or they're trying

5:27

to no-transcript capture your attention

5:30

. Equally , when you're in

5:32

this early stage of a relationship

5:34

what often happens and this is for any

5:37

relationship , really you're flooded with

5:39

all of these happy hormones , right

5:41

that make you crave a connection with

5:43

this person who's making you feel really , really

5:45

good . There's gonna be a rush of

5:47

oxytocin and dopamine

5:49

and serotonin which keeps

5:51

you in the relationship until eventually , something

5:54

happens and the tides

5:56

turn . That transition

5:58

in a narcissistic relationship may be

6:00

that you've set a boundary . You might

6:03

have called the narcissist out on a behavior

6:05

that you're upset about or

6:07

that hurt you . Or maybe you're

6:09

speaking up for yourself . Or maybe

6:11

you have just innocently shared an opinion

6:13

or belief that you have that is different

6:15

than what the narcissist believes to be true

6:18

. Or it could just be that

6:20

you are exerting your power , your

6:22

sovereignty , in some way . Regardless

6:26

, the narcissist at that point feels threatened

6:28

and insecure . Narcissists

6:30

tend to believe that anyone who

6:32

thinks differently than them is a threat

6:35

. Anyone who exerts power

6:37

is a threat to their power , since

6:39

they believe that power exists in finite

6:42

amounts . When narcissists

6:44

feel insecure or as though they're

6:46

losing power or control in the relationship

6:48

, they will do whatever

6:50

they can to regain that power

6:53

and control , even if the

6:55

collateral damage is your self-worth , your

6:57

sense of self or your well-being

6:59

. So this next phase that I'm talking

7:02

about that gets triggered in this transition

7:04

is the devaluation phase , and

7:06

this is where , again , their behavior is going

7:08

to take a really sharp turn

7:10

, where , instead of being very

7:13

complimentary and attentive and affectionate

7:15

, they become actually critical , belittling

7:19

, undermining and diminishing . During

7:22

this phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle we

7:25

start to see a lot of sudden mood

7:27

swings , emotional dysregulation

7:30

and manipulation . They

7:32

will use techniques like gaslighting

7:34

and triangulation

7:36

, the silent treatment , or

7:39

they might just withhold affection . Another tactic

7:42

might be they might do what they can to

7:44

deprive you of sleep or other basic needs

7:46

in order to prove

7:48

their importance or dominance . We are a

7:50

lot more submissive and we give

7:52

in a lot more if we are

7:55

tired , if we are hungry , if

7:57

our basic human needs aren't being met

7:59

. So the

8:01

motive with these tactics is

8:03

really to stir up self-doubt

8:06

and confusion in you , so

8:09

one moment they might be praising you for something and

8:12

then the next moment they'll be demeaning you

8:14

, and so it can

8:16

leave you really feeling like you have no idea what's

8:18

going on , like what is happening . We

8:20

can also see that this transition into the devaluation

8:23

phase happens , or begins to happen

8:25

, potentially , when the narcissist

8:28

has found someone new to provide

8:30

them with narcissistic supply . During

8:34

this devaluation phase we

8:36

actually begin to secrete cortisol

8:39

, neuro-pinafran and epinafran . These

8:42

are stress hormones which can cause

8:44

us to experience fear , especially

8:47

the fear of abandonment , if that is

8:49

something that you struggle

8:52

with , if that's a core wound of yours and

8:54

we all have abandonment

8:56

wounds . So , regardless

8:59

of your attachment type , you

9:01

are going to have some sort of fear when

9:03

you feel that the person that you

9:05

care about most or that you're in a relationship

9:07

might walk out the door . And

9:10

this works in favor of the narcissist

9:12

, because what happens is

9:14

that you might begin to

9:17

wonder what you can do to fix

9:19

the situation to keep them from walking out the

9:21

door . What is it about yourself that you can change to

9:24

make them happier and prevent them from leaving ? Well

9:28

, at the same time , likely the narcissist has

9:31

already done a really good job of convincing you that

9:34

you are the problem , that it's

9:36

because of the way that you

9:38

behave was the reason why they behaved in a certain

9:40

way . In other words , they're going to make it your fault , or

9:42

maybe someone else's fault , as to why they're behaving in

9:46

a certain way , but lead you to believe that

9:48

you are the solution to

9:50

fixing the problem by fixing yourself

9:52

. They make you feel like there's something

9:54

wrong with you . You

9:56

maybe led to believe that they are upset because

9:59

of something you did or because of

10:01

something you could have prevented or changed

10:03

. Narcissists are really

10:05

good at blame shifting and

10:07

if you have a pattern of people pleasing or

10:09

taking over responsibility for

10:12

everyone else's emotions or happiness , then

10:15

you're feeding into this dynamic and actually

10:17

hurting yourself more . Now

10:21

, if we continue to progress through the

10:23

cycle so we've got through the idealization

10:25

phase then we're in the devaluation phase . After

10:27

that transition , one of two things

10:30

is going to happen . You're either going

10:32

to enter the discard phase

10:34

, where the narcissist might abruptly

10:36

end the relationship out

10:39

of nowhere , leaving you feeling

10:41

lost and completely bewildered

10:43

and devastated , which again will trigger

10:45

that fear of abandonment which might cause

10:47

you to do things you wouldn't otherwise do

10:49

just to keep them . That might be against

10:52

your values . Or it may cause

10:54

you to give in on something you felt really strongly

10:56

about , or it'll

10:58

potentially allow them to escape

11:01

without taking any kind of accountability

11:03

or expressing any type of remorse . Just

11:05

a side note here this discard phase

11:07

a lot of people associate it with

11:10

the narcissist , oftentimes like picking up and leaving

11:12

and going right Because maybe they cheated

11:14

or they betrayed you in some way , or whatever

11:16

it might be . They found new supply . But

11:19

the discard phase can also look

11:21

like storming out

11:24

the door and leaving the house for

11:26

hours without picking

11:28

up the phone when you call and letting you know where they

11:30

are right , without communicating

11:33

in any kind of way , or taking and leaving

11:35

with the kids without letting you know where

11:37

they're going or when they'll be home , which

11:39

can stimulate a similar type of

11:41

fear response . I may not indicate the

11:43

ending of the relationship , but it's

11:46

how the discard may look , and you

11:48

may find yourself apologizing when

11:50

they do finally come back , so that they

11:52

stay put and they don't leave again once they

11:54

return . In a dating scenario

11:56

, this is where ghosting might happen

11:59

, where all of a sudden they might just

12:01

disappear and fall off the face of the earth

12:03

and you never hear from them again . So

12:05

if the discard phase doesn't happen

12:08

, where the relationship ends , what

12:10

you then enter is the hoovering phase

12:13

, where they essentially just try to suck

12:15

you right back in , and

12:17

this might look like shallow

12:20

apologies or apologies

12:22

that are not genuine . Remember

12:24

that a narcissist will

12:26

never take accountability for their actions . It's

12:28

never their fault , it's always someone

12:30

else's fault . So the

12:33

apology itself , if you get one

12:35

, may be very manipulative , because

12:37

they know if they apologize

12:40

it will at least maybe

12:43

play key to you , but at most

12:45

, you'll forgive them , and

12:47

then they get away with not even having to take accountability

12:50

for their actions or showing any kind of genuine

12:52

remorse , and

12:55

when you apologize without any kind of remorse or

12:57

taking accountability , it's not truly an apology

12:59

. They may even try to shift

13:01

the blame back onto you with an apology

13:04

that sounds like I wouldn't

13:06

have done X if you hadn't done

13:08

or said Y . It

13:10

may not be as explicit as that , but

13:12

I think you kind of catch the drift . Narcissists

13:15

may also make promises to change . This

13:18

is a big part of the manipulation . They're

13:20

really good at promising you that

13:22

they're going to do things to make

13:24

it better , especially when they're hoovering

13:28

you back in right , when they want to get you back , because

13:30

, even if they say they're going to make a change

13:32

and , deep down , they even believe that they

13:34

can change the thing is is

13:37

that it's nearly impossible

13:39

to make a change if you're unable

13:41

to self-reflect , acknowledge

13:44

, accept and take accountability

13:46

for your actions , and

13:48

, as we know , most narcissists

13:50

lack self-awareness and

13:53

their self-perception is actually

13:55

distorted . So they

13:57

know , though , that if they make a promise

13:59

to change , or they promise that they're

14:01

going to behave differently in the future , that

14:04

they get to hold on to you for a little bit longer

14:06

, because again they're sucking you back in , they're

14:08

roping you back into the relationship

14:11

and they're probably

14:13

, at the same time , like part of the efforts

14:15

that they're doing here is they're trying to rekindle the romance and

14:18

they're probably thinking , if I apologize , it'll

14:20

all get better and then we can get back to making

14:22

up , which is the fun part . So

14:24

they might dive right back into that idealization

14:26

phase again , that love bombing phase . And

14:30

this cycle continues

14:32

to repeat over

14:34

and over and over again , until

14:36

either they A find

14:38

a new supply , b you

14:40

step into your power and begin setting boundaries

14:43

, or , c you

14:45

decide to end the relationship . At

14:47

which point , if you

14:49

decide to end the relationship and

14:52

they haven't found your replacement yet , they

14:55

are going to try their best to Hoover

14:57

you back in . And when

14:59

that no longer works because

15:01

you've done the work on yourself and

15:04

you know that you deserve better and

15:07

because you've begun gray rocking them

15:09

and sticking firm to your decision , they

15:12

will then cycle back to the devaluation

15:14

phase . So for

15:17

a while , until

15:19

the relationship is like officially over

15:21

, you're going to cycle back and forth

15:23

in this relationship between

15:26

devaluation , discard and hoovering

15:28

idealization . So

15:31

I think that's really important to be aware of , because

15:33

I think a lot of times people think , oh , I'm going

15:35

to just end this relationship and then I'm done , and

15:37

then I won't have to deal with this situation

15:40

anymore . However , a lot of

15:42

times especially like if this is a marriage with

15:44

kids there is a propensity

15:47

towards experiencing post-separation

15:49

abuse . And even while you're sort

15:52

of unwinding and unraveling

15:54

things it's not usually a clear cut

15:56

where you decide you're ending the relationship

15:58

, you're getting divorced , that one party moves

16:01

out right away . There's usually some

16:03

time lag in between , and it's

16:05

in that time lag where you're going to experience

16:07

them trying to hoover you back , but

16:10

then , when you're not responding to that , they're going to devalue

16:12

you and discard you again . And it just happens

16:14

kind of over and over again , and sometimes in shorter

16:17

undulations , which can feel

16:19

really intense and very uncomfortable . So

16:22

now let's talk about how

16:24

does the trauma bond form that makes

16:26

it so hard to leave these relationships

16:28

. Well , first

16:30

, you likely are

16:32

addicted to the highs and the lows

16:34

in the relationship , and this happens on

16:37

a chemical level , where you are legitimately

16:40

chasing the next high

16:42

of oxytocin , serotonin

16:44

and dopamine . But in order

16:46

for that high to continue to feel

16:48

good , you need to hit the low , where

16:50

your body is like being flooded with cortisol

16:52

and norepinephrine , and epinephrine it's said in another

16:54

way . Basically , you're craving the

16:57

chaos . It makes you

16:59

feel alive . When

17:01

your body is constantly being flooded with

17:03

cortisol , you're living on high alert

17:06

, so everything feels

17:09

more intense . And right

17:11

before it floods with cortisol , your

17:13

adrenal glands actually secrete adrenaline

17:15

which feels thrilling

17:18

and exhilarating and enlivening

17:21

. So really what

17:23

we're addicted to is the cycle

17:26

of pain and pleasure , and

17:30

no wonder it takes people seven to eight

17:32

times to get out of abusive relationships

17:34

. There's the sense

17:36

of pleasure and bonding . The

17:39

heightened stress response during

17:41

the devaluation phase creates that

17:43

emotional turmoil and activates

17:46

that fear of abandonment and so we

17:48

go chasing after the person that we don't

17:50

want to lose . And

17:52

then , when we get reinforced through the hoovering

17:54

phase , where

17:57

we start to receive the attention and the affection

17:59

again and maybe the heartfelt messages and whatnot

18:01

, it triggers a release of endorphins

18:04

which provides us with

18:06

that temporary relief from the

18:08

emotional pain that we were experiencing

18:10

during the discard or the devaluation

18:12

phase . So we literally get

18:15

stuck in a loop . That

18:17

pain and pleasure cycle constantly

18:19

gets reinforced , even though the

18:22

relationship itself is actually really harmful . So

18:25

it's important to understand that these pain

18:27

pleasure cycles are often familiar

18:30

from childhood . The

18:32

narcissist reenacts our version

18:34

of love that love

18:36

is hard , that love hurts , that

18:39

we have to work at it , we have to earn

18:41

it , that love is a transaction

18:43

that requires blood , sweat and

18:45

tears . Or , said another way

18:47

, that it requires us to sacrifice

18:50

ourselves , our well-being and our

18:52

health . As

18:54

children , you may have learned that

18:56

you can't be loved for who you are

18:58

, that you have to be something or

19:00

someone else in order to get validation

19:03

, love and acceptance . And

19:05

this dynamic may have been present in your childhood

19:07

home . It's a pattern

19:10

that you may have been used to , where maybe you

19:12

had a really critical parent who

19:14

constantly criticized and belittled you

19:16

and , on top of it , maybe

19:19

they weren't there to meet your emotional

19:21

needs . So there was emotional neglect happening

19:23

as well , which is abuse , and

19:26

that rejection and emotional abuse is

19:28

familiar . You may have learned

19:31

that the only way to overcome that

19:33

rejection and abuse was

19:35

by being the good child , the

19:37

good girl , by behaving in

19:39

a way that met

19:41

your parents' approval and validation

19:44

, where you felt

19:46

loved , when you were

19:48

recognized for that good behavior , where

19:51

, essentially , that recognition was misconstrued as love

19:53

. So

19:55

the narcissistic relationship

19:58

and the dynamics in it is really just

20:00

your version of what love is

20:02

. So it feels familiar

20:05

, it feels comfortable , it

20:08

feels safe , because

20:10

what we perceive as

20:12

comfortable we

20:16

also equate to safety

20:18

, and so we're constantly trying

20:20

to get back to feeling safe , especially

20:23

in a world full of uncertainty . And

20:26

now some of this also goes into attachment

20:28

style , but we're not

20:31

gonna dive into that today because I don't wanna go

20:33

into too much , so maybe

20:35

we'll cover that in another episode . But

20:38

in addition to that addiction

20:41

to the chemicals , the

20:43

addiction to the pain pleasure cycle

20:45

, that feeling of familiarity , the

20:48

narcissist feels familiar

20:51

to us . So we might feel automatically

20:54

when we meet them that

20:56

they are a safe person

20:58

, that the dynamics of the relationship

21:00

might feel safe . It

21:03

might feel unlike some healthy relationships

21:06

maybe that you had in the past . Or you might notice

21:08

that you have attracted this

21:10

type of person into your life over and over and

21:12

over again because , again

21:14

, these patterns are familiar to something that

21:16

you experienced in childhood . So

21:18

in a way it's almost like we become a magnet for

21:20

them . There's a couple

21:23

of things that are important to note that

21:25

I want you to understand In

21:28

order for a trauma bond to form

21:30

, there needs to be a power imbalance

21:32

and also

21:34

the abuse needs to be somewhat

21:37

sporadic and intermittent

21:40

, because if the abuse was obvious

21:42

and was ongoing and escalating

21:44

and happening for a really long period of time likely

21:47

, you would recognize that it's abusive

21:49

and you'd probably get out of the relationship

21:51

. But the reason why

21:54

this becomes so addictive and

21:56

the reason why a lot of people don't

21:58

even realize that they're in these types of relationships

22:01

is because it is so

22:03

infrequent and happening irregularly

22:06

. It can stimulate that desire

22:08

to just constantly want to

22:11

get back to what you once had the good memories

22:13

, the good times

22:15

, the person they once were A

22:17

part of . You might feel like you no longer recognize the person that you're

22:19

with because they seem so different from

22:22

who they were in the beginning . Except

22:24

that , remember , in the beginning of the relationship

22:27

and during the idealization

22:29

, slash , hoovering phase , you're

22:32

being flooded with happy love hormones

22:34

and so you believe

22:37

or come to expect to get that back in time . Over and

22:39

over again , you just

22:42

expect the next high to come . But

22:45

what happens is , over time those

22:47

highs become less

22:49

and less frequent and

22:52

the abuse picks up and

22:54

becomes more frequent and

22:56

more regular . It

22:59

is the familiarity that love and abuse or

23:01

love and rejection go hand in hand , right , that

23:03

you can't have one without the other . That's the

23:06

pattern that's familiar and

23:08

why we'll get into

23:10

these relationships as adults . There's

23:13

also a distortion of the truth . The

23:15

truth is that the narcissist is toxic and abusive . No , I'm just

23:18

kidding . In

23:20

all seriousness , the distortion is that

23:23

this is normal , right ? The

23:25

distortion is that this is the way relationships

23:27

are . They're chaotic and

23:29

confusing and require you to

23:31

give more than you have in

23:33

order to receive anything back . It's

23:36

that distortion that you

23:38

are worthy of the breadcrumbs and not

23:40

the whole cake . So

23:42

if you're wondering why you keep

23:44

attracting these narcissists , it's not because there's

23:46

anything wrong with you . It's

23:49

just that they give you love

23:51

in a way that is familiar

23:54

to the way you received love as a child

23:56

. Just imagine this , for

23:58

example a

24:01

child experiences some kind of abuse and

24:04

that could look like emotional neglect

24:06

, where they're often told that

24:08

their emotions are too much and

24:10

they end up getting sent to their room until

24:12

they calm down . So the child

24:15

is feeling really alone

24:17

in their experience of their big emotions

24:19

and they might internalize

24:22

that as rejection , that

24:24

they are too much , that their feelings

24:26

are too much that it's not

24:28

safe to express emotions

24:30

that aren't happy and

24:32

joyful and loving . The

24:35

parent might also be criticizing as well , which

24:37

again reinforces that

24:39

rejection . But they also have

24:41

these wonderful moments where the parent

24:44

might be very affectionate and

24:46

might be full of praise

24:49

and attention and recognition

24:51

for their good behavior , their

24:53

good marks or their academic achievements

24:56

or athletic achievements , whatever it might be

24:58

that the child's experience

25:00

of love in this scenario is

25:02

that love plus abuse plus

25:05

rejection is normal

25:07

. The

25:10

child will learn how to shut down

25:12

those feelings because they're

25:14

not safe to express

25:16

or to feel . And

25:19

the less that the child expresses

25:21

or feels their emotions , the

25:23

more that the parent can be

25:26

happy quote unquote the

25:28

more there can be peace in

25:30

the family home if the child

25:32

is not acting out their emotions

25:34

. So the child will begin

25:37

to somewhat internalize and blame

25:39

themselves when bad things happen . So

25:42

there might still be moments where the parent is criticizing

25:44

or belittling them and the

25:46

child who has been trying so

25:48

hard to be perfect

25:50

and to be the amazing

25:53

athlete or whatever it is that the parent

25:55

wants them to be , the straight , a student , and

25:59

yet the child's still getting criticized and

26:02

rejected for it because it's still

26:04

not enough right . That's how the child forms

26:06

that belief of they're not enough . No matter what they

26:08

do , they're not enough because there's

26:10

always some sort of criticism that the parent

26:12

has about what the child could

26:14

be doing better . So the child blames

26:17

themselves and they internalize that , oh

26:20

, I didn't try hard enough , oh I'm not perfect

26:22

enough , oh I'm not good enough , I'm not smart enough

26:24

, pretty enough , thin enough , whatever

26:26

it might be . They begin to experience that

26:28

love hurts , that

26:31

there's no such thing as unconditional love

26:33

for this child , because this child only

26:36

feels their love when they are

26:38

performing , achieving

26:40

or being whatever

26:42

it is that the parent expects them

26:45

to be . So they

26:47

grow up and they reenact that in their

26:49

adult relationships . The

26:51

child , as an adult , needs to find a partner . Then that's

26:54

also going to reject and criticize them constantly and

26:57

abuse them emotionally and psychologically

26:59

and spiritually . The

27:02

adult again will shut down their feelings

27:04

. They'll self-sacrifice their needs

27:07

and their wants because they've been doing

27:09

it since they were a child for

27:11

their parents . The

27:13

adult will self-blame when things go

27:15

wrong in the relationship , believing

27:17

that it's their fault , that they did something wrong

27:20

, that they could be better , that they need to try

27:22

harder , that they need to change

27:24

, they need to fix whatever's wrong

27:26

, and it's never about what

27:28

the partner's doing wrong , it's never about

27:30

how a relationship takes two people

27:32

who have equal accountability

27:35

with what they create together . This

27:38

adult is literally just trying

27:40

to be good enough in the relationship and

27:43

live up to the expectations that

27:45

this narcissistic partner has , which

27:48

, if you're in a relationship with a narcissist , you'll know

27:50

that nothing you ever do is good enough . And

27:53

so it keeps you striving , it keeps

27:55

you trying to achieve , it keeps

27:57

you in that chase for love

27:59

and attention and recognition and validation

28:02

and approval and that

28:04

chase for safety that never

28:06

seems to come . It's

28:09

like a dog chasing its tail . So

28:13

the narcissistic partner reinforces

28:15

what is often an anxious

28:17

attachment . They reinforce

28:19

that fear of abandonment by going

28:21

back and forth between the pain

28:24

and the pleasure , or

28:26

the pleasure and the pain , or the kind acts

28:28

, and then the acts of rejection , the

28:30

loving , kind behavior and

28:32

the abusive , manipulative behavior

28:34

. So the adult

28:36

then in this relationship might

28:38

make excuses for the partner , like they've likely

28:41

made excuses for their parents' bad behavior

28:43

in the past , believing that their parents

28:46

just wanted what was best for them , that their parents just

28:48

could see their potential and they just weren't

28:50

achieving it , that their parents were

28:52

just trying to motivate them . So

28:55

now they end up doing that with their partner . They make

28:57

excuses for their

28:59

partner's bad behavior and subconsciously

29:01

what's happening is this

29:03

adult is actually trying to feel

29:05

good enough and to get the approval

29:07

from their parents . They're still seeking

29:09

out that validation , recognition

29:12

and love and approval that

29:14

they never got from their parents

29:16

and reenacting that and the relationship

29:18

with the narcissistic partner . So

29:21

I hope that helps you understand more about

29:23

what the abuse cycle looks like and gives

29:25

you a clear understanding of what a trauma

29:27

bond is and why it's so hard to get

29:29

out of a narcissistic relationship . Simply

29:32

put , the way to break out of a trauma

29:34

bond is to do the deep inner work

29:37

on yourself , to learn how to

29:39

love yourself , how to give yourself that validation

29:41

and approval so that you're not

29:43

seeking it and chasing it outside of you . It's

29:46

also about creating that sense

29:48

of safety within you , knowing that you are

29:51

enough . It's

29:53

about healing those wounds of not enoughness

29:55

, the wounds of feeling like

29:57

you're not valuable or lovable , and

30:00

giving that to yourself by cultivating

30:02

self-love , by

30:04

cultivating self-empathy and rebuilding

30:06

yourself worth . And

30:08

these are all things that we're going to be doing in my new group

30:11

program , strong Her

30:13

, which is a narcissistic trauma

30:16

recovery group , and for

30:18

right now and for a very limited

30:20

time only , I am offering

30:22

membership to this group program

30:24

for an astounding

30:26

price of only $29

30:28

a month . Now , don't be

30:30

fooled by the price . This

30:33

program is going to be jam-packed

30:35

full of value because you're going to get access

30:37

to me twice a week . There

30:39

will be a group coaching call once a week and

30:42

the second call is going to be a connection call

30:44

where it's going to be open for Q&A

30:46

and hot seat coaching and even

30:48

sometimes we'll have

30:50

breakout rooms where you'll be able

30:52

to connect with one another . We'll

30:55

also be bringing in guest experts once a

30:57

month or so . I'm lining up

30:59

a somatic breath work facilitator

31:02

to come in and do a session with the group . We'll

31:04

have a meditation teacher come in . We'll

31:06

have someone come in to talk about how to prepare

31:09

yourself adequately for

31:13

divorce , making sure you have all your ducks in a row . This

31:16

is really going to be a

31:18

very valuable trauma

31:20

recovery group and I am offering

31:22

it at this low founding member

31:25

price of only $29 a month because

31:28

we're just getting this group off the

31:30

ground . Number one , but number two I

31:32

have recognized , or I do recognize

31:35

, that so many of the women that I talk

31:37

to really need support

31:40

and they're having a hard time finding it . They'll

31:43

try therapy and they'll recognize that

31:45

the therapists oftentimes don't really understand

31:48

the dynamics in a narcissistic

31:50

relationship , and

31:53

so oftentimes they do walk away from sessions

31:55

still getting reinforced with this

31:57

idea that they need to do something different , that

31:59

they need to think about things differently , that their

32:01

perception is wrong or that

32:03

what they've experienced might be distorted

32:06

in some way . And yes , there are distortions

32:08

of truth . However , if

32:11

you have been emotionally

32:13

and psychologically abused , we're

32:16

not here to invalidate what you've experienced . And

32:19

when you come together in a community like

32:21

Strong Her , where you are surrounded by women

32:23

who get what you have gone through , they understand

32:26

where you have been , what you have experienced

32:28

, what you might be feeling and how isolating

32:31

it can be . It allows

32:33

you that safety net , a

32:35

place to land , a place to

32:37

connect with other women who get

32:39

it , and when we heal

32:41

in a group like that , it

32:44

catalyzes for us a

32:46

deeper level of

32:48

growth and healing

32:50

. And that's why it's so important

32:53

to me that this membership is built upon

32:55

a really strong community , which is why

32:57

the founding member price is only $29

33:00

a month and I'm only offering it to people

33:02

that I really , truly believe are a good fit

33:04

. So if you think that

33:06

Strong Her is

33:08

the place for you , right ? If

33:11

you want my support

33:13

and this will be a small

33:15

group to begin with , so you're going to get a

33:17

lot of access to me then

33:19

come and join us . I'd love to have

33:21

you Feel free to

33:23

reach out to me and

33:26

we can have a deeper conversation about it

33:28

, but I'd love to be able

33:30

to support you in a way that

33:32

really feels like you

33:34

are making headway in your recovery

33:37

and you're not getting stuck back in these

33:39

old stories and trauma

33:41

loops . Let's break you free

33:43

of that so that you can

33:46

regain your freedom

33:48

, so that you can rebuild your

33:51

confidence and

33:53

your self-esteem and find

33:55

the courage to pave the

33:57

path forward . You know

34:00

where to reach me if you've got any questions

34:02

, and until next week , be

34:04

well , if you're hearing this

34:06

message , that means you've listened

34:08

all the way to the end , and for that

34:10

I am truly grateful . If you

34:12

enjoyed this episode and found it valuable , would

34:15

you mind leaving us a review wherever you listen to podcasts

34:17

and sharing it with others ? If

34:19

you'd like to connect with me for one-on-one coaching or

34:21

human design reading . You can find me on

34:23

my website or on social media . Also

34:26

, if you have a topic you'd like me to discuss on a future

34:28

episode , please DM me . Be

34:31

sure to tune in next week for another episode of

34:33

Stepping into Meaningful Relationships .