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Hey, Gurira. I

0:02

can't start it like that. It's gay.

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Hi, friends. This week, I'm going to teach you some things

0:08

that I've learned about being hurt by

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people and how to stop letting people fucking hurt

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you all the time. These are just going to be a couple

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of perspectives that I've learned around

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why people hurt you and what

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to look for and how to

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kind of break the cycle of letting

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people hurt you all the time because there's some

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shit that I wasn't aware of until I went through it. It's

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how it goes. So these are

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just a couple of perspectives that I want you to become aware

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of. And the first one is

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kind of about why people hurt you and

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like a vicious cycle you can get trapped

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in and why it keeps going.

0:43

Bitch. So the

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first thing to watch out for is how

0:47

people get their reassurance

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that you care about them because a lot of people

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get their kind of like reassurance and

0:54

their feeling of being loved by you

0:57

by watching you go through pain for them. So

0:59

if you're dealing with someone that's hurting you repeatedly

1:02

and is doing really, really fucked up shit

1:04

and you keep getting back with them or

1:07

taking them back and keep being with them,

1:10

that is their validation.

1:11

Every time they do something to hurt

1:13

you and they see you break

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down because of it and then they see

1:18

you overcome it and get

1:21

back with them anyways, that's their

1:23

biggest reflection of how much you love them.

1:25

It makes them feel so cared

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about that you've just been hurt

1:29

so bad, but you love me enough

1:32

to come and get back with me. That's a very

1:34

dangerous person to be with. And I've been with plenty

1:36

of them.

1:37

They're all motherfuckers. But

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the biggest thing to get about this is people

1:41

are not usually going to intentionally

1:44

hurt you. But if someone looks at

1:46

you suffering for them as a validation

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of how much you love them,

1:51

they're subconsciously just going to keep hurting you. And

1:53

you might be dealing with someone that's like, I don't know why

1:55

I keep doing these things. I don't know

1:57

why I keep hurting you. Or you just keep

1:59

asking.

1:59

accidentally end up being hurt. It's

2:02

because that's their subconscious way of making

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sure that you love them. That's their way

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of feeling loved. They're not gonna see any

2:10

other love you have to give or seeing

2:12

all the things that you do that are loving. If

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their relationship to seeing love

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is watching you suffer and

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still choose them, that's all they're

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gonna put you through is suffering. They're gonna keep

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hurting you because that's how they get their validation

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and anytime they have any

2:29

kind of insecurity

2:29

or they question you or they don't

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feel loved and they need reassurance

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of some sort, they're gonna do something

2:36

to hurt you subconsciously

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and sometimes it might be intentionally but most of the times

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they'll just subconsciously do something to

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cause you pain, to test,

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to see if you're gonna come back

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to them and show them how much

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you love them by suffering for them

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because that really is a really big validation. Like

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someone loves you so much. They're willing to

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just go through so much pain and

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I used to kind of think this way. So I understand

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it fully but I didn't really really get it

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until I was in a dynamic with someone

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that caused me pain and that was

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my test. Every time they needed to feel loved

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they'd hurt me to test to see

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if I'd still choose them because

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I loved them so much. Oh

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my god, bad cycle to be in.

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But this will clear up a lot of frustration for

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a lot of people who don't understand

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why people just keep hurting them. You have to

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look at their relationship to hurting

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you. What are they getting out of it? And if they're

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getting reassurance that you love them by

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watching you go through pain and causing you pain

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and seeing you choose them anyway,

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that's gonna kind of set you free from not

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knowing why someone hurts you.

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But that's just a very fucked up dynamic

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of love and a lot of people have that relationship

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to love. They look at sacrifice and enduring

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pain and suffering for one another as showing

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you love them.

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That's not the actual way to show someone that you

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love them. To love them is to

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show that you love them. And when you love someone you don't call them.

3:59

them pain. But I really wanted to bring

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that one up so you can get a clear kind of

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like vision on who you're dealing with because

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it's very blinding when you're in it. But now that

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I've made you aware of that you have to look at the person in

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front of you and if that's their relationship

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to love,

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girl you can choose to stay in it

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but just know that's what's gonna be happening

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or you can choose to like address

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it and try and work through it or you can choose

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to get the fuck out. Up

4:26

to you. Alright the next thing I

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want to bring up is sometimes

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people have to convince themselves you're

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bad

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because it makes them feel better and

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if you're dealing with someone who is

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threatened by seeing how good you

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are or by seeing how

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good of a person you are they're

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gonna put these lenses on

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because for them to see you and

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your value and to see that shine

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it's kind of like holding up a mirror and

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reflecting them everything they're not if they

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don't feel worthy of it. But

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instead of facing that and working on themselves

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a lot of people will try and discredit

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you and what you are and who you are

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and how much you love and how much value you have to give.

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They have to convince themselves you're bad

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and discredit you so it does not

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matter anything you do

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for someone that benefits off

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of looking at you negatively. Don't matter

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what you do they're never gonna see it. You will

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never be able to do anything right

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they are only going to see what

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you do wrong because that solidifies

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their confidence in themselves that you're not

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that special and if they can find a way to

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justify it that you're not as special as they

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think they feel better about themselves

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and that's where you get stuck in a cycle of constantly

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feeling unappreciated doing everything

5:45

fucking right and they seem to only

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nitpick you and find what's wrong

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and I don't want you to ever question yourself like

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that you aren't good enough or that you aren't a good

5:54

person and you don't have value and you

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do fuck up all the time that's not what's

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in question here

9:59

For my surgery no one can go with

10:02

me like it's a big surgery

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I don't want to go alone and no one can go with

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me because all my friends

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have jobs They can't be out they can't risk getting COVID

10:10

so like I have no one to go with me

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and I drove Five

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hours to Atlanta and stayed

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with him to take him to the surgery a piece

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of shit is not gonna do that. I

10:21

Genuinely cared. I wanted to make sure he was

10:23

okay, even when he was fucking destroying

10:26

me I still was trying to like

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be there for him and care and

10:31

He didn't see it like

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it didn't fucking matter anything

10:36

that I did He had some like hard times

10:38

in business right at the beginning of COVID He

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had to go put a new roof on his mom's

10:43

house Like you had to pay to get her a new roof

10:45

and it was like nine grand or whatever

10:47

and he bought me a bracelet That was like twelve

10:50

thousand from Cartier and I

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gave him the bracelet and was like here sell

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this So you have money to put your

10:57

mom's roof on and don't worry about

10:59

it. Like you already bought it like we broke

11:01

up It's like the least I can do like here like so

11:03

you don't have to stress about money And you

11:05

have to like replace her roof because the shit was like falling in

11:08

I was like sell this go do it Take

11:10

the money and then go cover it so you don't have to

11:12

stress about nothing. It's nothing out of your pocket I

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appreciated you getting this for me, but like I'd

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rather give it to you so you can not be

11:19

as stressed I did so

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much fucking shit That was

11:23

just genuine and pure the

11:25

motherfucker

11:27

could not handle it like the

11:29

more I would be Good

11:32

and the more I would be myself and the more

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I would show that I cared the more

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damaging he had to be to me

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to

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discount it and to

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discredit it and to fit that narrative

11:44

that I was a piece of shit like the more I

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was good and

11:48

The more I was myself the more he

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had to fucking like

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wreck me and like take me down

11:53

and make up more shit That I was

11:55

just awful and find a hidden motive and say that

11:57

I'm manipulating and all this shit. Go on

11:59

fuck thing from you. I wanted you to leave me the goddamn

12:02

fuck alone, but I still cared about him. You know what I mean?

12:04

Like at the end of the day, like it doesn't matter

12:06

how much someone hurts you.

12:07

You still just care for them and that's why relationships

12:10

are sticky. But I went through

12:12

this and

12:13

trying to show that you

12:16

care about somebody

12:18

is never gonna work

12:20

and things are only gonna get worse if they

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need you to be a piece of shit to feel

12:24

better about themselves. That is the most

12:27

damaging thing you can do to yourself because all

12:29

day every day I was constantly trying

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to like

12:32

prove myself. Everything was a test

12:35

of like if I was gonna handle it right and

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it ran my life. Even after I left

12:39

him it was like he was constantly testing me with

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shit and I constantly felt like I had to prove

12:44

like who I was and that I did care

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because he was making it seem like I didn't and

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I'm like motherfucker what? And like I would do all

12:51

these things to try and make

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it very clear that I cared because I couldn't

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sit right with him thinking I was

12:58

a piece of shit.

12:59

So I was trying to do things that would

13:01

like help him ease it,

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but like I said everything I

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did made it worse for him so he had

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to do worse so that I didn't seem as

13:09

good so he could feel better about losing me.

13:11

And I just want to save you guys from this shit

13:14

show. If someone has to look at you like a

13:16

piece of shit let them. There is

13:18

nothing you can do.

13:20

That's not a fight you can fight. You

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can't fight someone against their self.

13:25

If something's going on inside someone that's

13:27

a fight only they can fight. You can't

13:29

fight it. It does not matter what you do.

13:32

You literally just have to accept that this person

13:35

needs you to be a piece of shit for

13:38

whatever narrative they need so that they can

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move on. And it's hard to do that

13:42

when someone is trying to like publicly destroy

13:44

you, but by trying to

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help the situation it's only gonna hurt it. The

13:49

more good you do the worse they're

13:51

gonna have to do. So walk

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the fuck away.

13:55

Allow someone grant someone

13:57

that piece of allowing

13:59

themselves to justify that you are a piece

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of shit so you can set yourself

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free. Because if you don't, you will

14:06

stay trapped in that until you lose

14:08

your mind. And I almost lost mine.

14:11

And one more thing with that, like

14:13

every single thing you do will get taken out of

14:15

context. Like when I was with this motherfucker,

14:18

every time I pass a mirror, I look

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in it. And I still do. I always have

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and I always will. I used to be very

14:25

insecure.

14:27

And that was why I looked in it before. Now

14:29

I just like check on myself and like I

14:31

like to look in the fucking mirror.

14:33

But when I was with my ex, I was constantly

14:36

every time I walked by a mirror, I had to

14:38

look in it. And he used to fucking dog

14:40

me and like make fun of me and be like, you're so

14:42

fucking full of yourself. You're such like an arrogant

14:44

asshole. You can't pass the mirror without checking yourself

14:47

out. He always just made little comments.

14:49

But one day he was like, you're so fucking arrogant.

14:52

And I snapped and I was like, you want to know

14:54

what I'm actually doing when I look in the fucking

14:56

mirror? I'm making sure I don't look

14:58

fucked up. I'm making sure my hair is okay.

15:01

I'm making sure I don't have shit in my teeth. I'm making

15:03

sure my clothes are not like wrinkled or fucked up or I

15:05

don't have lint somewhere. Like I don't look

15:07

in the mirror to admire myself. I

15:09

look in the mirror to nitpick and critique

15:11

myself. So he was over here assuming

15:13

that I was just an arrogant asshole, looking

15:16

at myself in the mirror because that's what

15:18

served him and made him feel better

15:20

about himself that I was just a piece of shit.

15:22

So he's he did it from the day

15:24

he met me. What was really happening when

15:26

I looked in the mirror is I was so fucking insecure.

15:28

Like I was so scared. I looked bad.

15:30

I was like trying to fix it. And he

15:33

never believed me

15:34

because looking at it like I was an arrogant

15:36

prick, checking myself out, served

15:39

his narrative that he needed so he could feel

15:41

better about himself.

15:42

Literally everything you do will get misconstrued.

15:44

Everything you fucking do, they will find

15:47

some kind of way to make it negative.

15:49

They'll flip it. They'll make it how you're not that good.

15:51

You're a piece of shit. You're arrogant. You're whatever.

15:54

They're gonna flip everything when

15:56

they need you to be bad so that they can feel good.

15:58

So the last thing I want to say is I want to say I'm

15:59

a bitch. I'm a bitch.

15:59

want to talk about in this episode, well

16:02

this kind of goes along the lines of like stop letting

16:04

people hurt you. When someone hurts

16:06

you one time or does something fucked

16:08

up,

16:09

who they truly are just got revealed.

16:12

You need to face the truth of who you're

16:14

dealing with

16:15

and if someone hurts you one time

16:18

and you just make an excuse for them

16:21

or you overlook it or you don't pay attention

16:24

and you go forward and they hurt you again in

16:26

the same way, the second time is your

16:28

fucking fault. When someone shows you

16:30

who they are, believe it. Pay

16:32

the fuck attention and don't let them

16:34

do it again. When you see someone

16:37

treats you a certain way and you keep

16:39

giving them the chance to be

16:41

in the same position to hurt you again and they keep

16:43

hurting you,

16:44

the first time you learned. The

16:46

second time, I don't know what the fuck why

16:48

you letting it happen twice, the third time,

16:52

1000% your fucking fault. Face who's in front of

16:55

you. Face the motherfucker who

16:57

you're dealing with. Look at the truth of them

16:59

and stop falling into that fucking pattern of

17:02

justifying shit for people and trying to overlook

17:05

it and make sense of it. See who the fuck's

17:07

in front of you. See who you're dealing with because

17:09

like I said it's your fucking fault if you keep getting

17:11

hurt over the same shit. You are the one that

17:14

has to make a change.

17:14

They're showing you who they are and

17:17

for you to continue to choose and go along with

17:19

it, you're choosing to be hurt and

17:21

this is how someone's gonna behave and how they're gonna treat

17:23

you. It's clear the first time.

17:26

Quit choosing that shit. You're choosing

17:28

it once you become aware of it. What's that quote

17:30

everybody's talking about? Whatever you're not changing

17:32

you're choosing. There

17:33

you go bitch and

17:35

when you have a situation like this for

17:38

you to stop dealing with someone

17:40

or tolerating someone hurting you,

17:42

it's not that you're shaming them and making them

17:44

bad and telling them they're a piece of shit.

17:47

If you see how they operate and you don't like

17:49

it,

17:50

it's fine to walk away from it. You don't have

17:52

to demonize them. You don't have to get mad

17:54

at them and like dog them for it. Like this

17:57

is how you operate.

17:58

I personally don't operate I gotta operate

18:00

like this. You operate like this, I'm over here

18:02

like this. That's not a match. So

18:05

I'm gonna choose

18:06

to go my separate way

18:08

because we operate very differently. That's

18:10

totally fair. That's mature as fuck to

18:12

handle it that way. Like when you see how someone is,

18:15

accept it.

18:16

Most of the times you can't change it. But

18:18

if someone don't operate with the same way

18:20

of showing love or the same morals

18:23

and values and character that you

18:25

have, when you see the discrepancy, you're

18:27

fully allowed to cut it and it's no hard feelings.

18:30

It's no nothing. Like that just might be their

18:32

normal way of doing shit if they hurt you.

18:34

You're just not used to that. You want something different.

18:37

So the situation made you aware of what you truly

18:39

want. Now go for that. Get the fuck rid of them.

18:42

If there is a specific topic you want a podcast

18:45

about, I will leave a link in the description

18:47

where I'm gonna start taking submissions because

18:49

I'm over here just like coming up with shit and thinking

18:51

of like what I want to post. I want to hear what you guys

18:54

want me to talk about. So there's gonna be a link in the description

18:56

where you can go in and submit podcast

18:58

topic ideas. I also have a link for

19:00

what would Leo do. That's where you guys write in a situation

19:03

that you want my advice on. Like how would I handle

19:05

being in your shoes? What a certain circumstance.

19:08

So there's gonna be two links. So podcast

19:10

topics will be the first one. So I really want you

19:12

guys to go in there and let me know what you want to hear

19:14

about because I'll talk about it.

19:16

But that's all I got for this episode. All of my social

19:18

media will be linked in the description. You can follow me, keep

19:20

up with me. If you're new on YouTube, subscribe,

19:23

hit the like button, leave me a comment, all the things. Let's

19:25

talk, let's chitchat. And if you're listening to the audio

19:27

version, leave me a five stars.

19:30

I love how I always scream at you. Leave my star fucking

19:32

ring. But that's not what I

19:34

mean. I just mean like, hey, girl, like leave me into the

19:37

five stars. Thanks. Nothing less. If

19:39

you're gonna leave less than a five star, don't leave nothing at all.

19:42

But thank you guys so much for hanging out with me. Everybody

19:45

be safe. Take care of yourself and

19:47

I will talk to you guys next Sunday.