0:00

Are you a fan of Stuart McLean? There's

0:03

a brand new Vinyl Cafe album

0:05

out now. It's called Merry

0:08

Christmas Dave. Three

0:10

Dave and Morley stories that have never

0:12

been released on an album before. An hour

0:15

of hilarious, heartwarming

0:17

Christmas stories. For more information

0:20

or to buy online, go to VinylCafe.com.

0:23

From

0:25

the apostrophe podcast network.

0:28

Hello, I'm Jess Milton and

0:30

this is Backstage at the Vinyl Cafe.

0:33

Welcome.

0:35

We have two Dave and

0:37

Morley stories

0:40

for you today.

0:42

Two stories

0:45

about

0:48

dogs. We're

0:59

going to start with a story called

1:01

Stanley. It's an older story.

1:04

Stuart wrote it back in the

1:06

late 80s or early 90s,

1:09

but he never recorded it in front of an audience.

1:12

When the Vinyl Cafe first started, Stuart and founding

1:15

producer David Amor recorded all

1:17

the stories in studio,

1:19

not in theaters.

1:20

It was just the two of them.

1:21

No audience. It was only

1:24

after that very first Christmas

1:26

concert, the one where Dave cooked the

1:28

turkey, that they realized, whoa,

1:32

this show might be something totally

1:34

different than we thought it was. That's

1:37

often how it works in our world. It sometimes

1:39

takes a while to figure out what you have

1:42

and what it is.

1:43

Often it takes you, an audience,

1:46

to help people like us figure that

1:48

out. I can think of lots

1:51

of examples of shows that started out as one

1:53

thing and then became something

1:55

else entirely. The Vinyl

1:58

Cafe started as a musical. music

2:00

show. David Amer, the founding

2:02

producer of the show, was a legendary

2:04

music producer at CBC. He

2:07

and Stewart used to work together at Morningside,

2:09

Peter Zosky's show. For years,

2:12

Stewart did a Monday morning segment on that show. Some

2:15

of you probably remember it. He'd go

2:17

into the studio and talk to Zosky about...

2:19

not

2:20

about anything. Yo-yos,

2:23

dust, popsicles, but

2:25

you can buy for a dollar.

2:27

He loved working with Zosky and with Amer,

2:30

who was the music producer

2:31

on Morningside. One

2:34

day, David Amer came to Stewart and said, hey,

2:37

we should do a radio show together. They

2:40

produced a pilot, and in that very

2:42

first pilot episode, there were no

2:45

Dave and Marley stories. There was a guy

2:48

named Dave who owned a record store called

2:50

The Vinyl Cafe. The

2:53

premise was this. Stewart

2:55

would play music that he'd found at,

2:58

you guessed it, The Vinyl Cafe.

3:01

The music was chosen by David Amer and introduced

3:03

by Stewart. They produced the pilot

3:06

and handed it to CBC management, who

3:08

said, we love this.

3:11

And then the pilot sat on a shelf

3:14

for five years.

3:17

Nothing happened.

3:20

Eventually, someone came along and

3:22

decided to put it on the air. So David

3:25

and Stewart went back to have a listen. And

3:28

when they listened to that pilot, they

3:30

did not like it.

3:33

The conceit, the concept

3:35

of the show, this idea that there was a store

3:38

named The Vinyl Cafe and the idea

3:40

that there was a guy named Dave who worked at the

3:43

store called The Vinyl Cafe and Stewart would

3:45

visit him. The conceit

3:48

no longer felt right to them. It felt too

3:51

put on. And so they

3:53

changed it. They did away with the idea

3:56

of The Vinyl Cafe being a real place.

3:58

They changed it so that

3:59

fictional place. Sometimes

4:02

Stuart would tell stories about this record store

4:04

and sometimes he wouldn't. The

4:06

first season of the vinyl cafe

4:08

back in 1994 had 13 episodes.

4:13

Each of those episodes had stories in them but

4:15

they were short, sometimes only a

4:17

few minutes long and of those 13 stories,

4:21

Dave was only in five of them,

4:24

Marley was in four,

4:25

and none of them,

4:27

not one, was recorded in

4:29

front of an audience. They were all recorded

4:31

in studio.

4:34

They didn't record in front

4:35

of an audience for two more years.

4:38

The first time that Stuart performed

4:41

a Dave and Marley story in front of an audience

4:43

was in 1996

4:45

for a Christmas special

4:47

and that that was the year

4:50

that Dave cooked the turkey. So

4:52

there were lots of stories that Stuart

4:54

wrote back in the early years of the show, those

4:57

first few seasons that were never recorded

4:59

live. He recorded

5:01

most of them over the next two decades that the show

5:03

was on the air but not all

5:05

of them. Today

5:07

I want to play you a story that

5:09

was written way back in

5:12

the very earliest days

5:14

of the vinyl cafe, way back in the early 90s but

5:18

it was only ever recorded in front of an

5:20

audience in 2015. Ironically it was one of the

5:25

very first stories that he wrote for the vinyl

5:27

cafe and one of the very last

5:30

stories that was ever recorded. We

5:32

recorded it in Huntsville, Ontario

5:35

back

5:35

in 2015. This is Stanley. If

5:41

it wasn't for her dog, Dorothy

5:43

Kapper might have ended up married

5:46

to Albert Zuckerman. Dorothy

5:49

bought the dog a golden retriever about 15

5:52

years ago. Two months after

5:55

her first husband, George left home.

5:59

For a week or two Dorothy toyed with

6:02

the idea of naming the dog after

6:04

George. The

6:08

possibilities pleased her.

6:10

I have to go home and

6:12

walk George.

6:16

That's what she imagined saying or calling

6:19

him. That'd be good. George, George, come

6:21

here. George, George, George,

6:23

George, George. Well,

6:26

probably best of all, bad George.

6:30

Get out of here, George.

6:33

Well, once she had the dog,

6:35

she couldn't go through with it, however.

6:38

She settled on Stanley instead,

6:41

after the great Canadian parliamentarian

6:44

Stanley Knowles. When

6:46

Dorothy was a university student in Winnipeg,

6:49

she lived in Stanley Knowles' writing.

6:52

Her politics were changed

6:54

forever. The electrifying night

6:57

she heard Tommy Douglas and Stanley Knowles

6:59

at an NDP rally during the 1963 election.

7:03

It was Knowles who by

7:05

then was about 60, who

7:07

opened her eyes to the American

7:10

involvement in Southeast Asia. It

7:12

was Knowles, not her university

7:14

friends, who led her on her first

7:17

protest march. Knowles

7:19

became her all-time hero when someone

7:22

told her that he was the only Canadian

7:24

parliamentarian to dissent when

7:26

Canada declared war on Germany in 1939. That

7:30

was why she named the dog after her. Later

7:34

she learned that Knowles hadn't been elected to

7:36

parliament until 1942. That

7:40

it was his mentor, James Woodsworth,

7:43

the conscience of Canada, who

7:46

had stood up and tried to persuade

7:48

Mackenzie King's government to declare

7:50

neutrality. It was Woodsworth who had

7:52

said, war only breeds

7:55

war. So

7:57

when she opened her bookstore, she named...

8:00

it Woodsworth. She

8:02

couldn't very well change Stanley's name. He

8:04

was already four years old. Dorothy

8:08

knew exactly what she was doing

8:10

buying the dog. It wasn't for

8:13

company, although at the time

8:15

it was comforting to have

8:17

something in her life that loved and

8:20

more importantly listened to her.

8:24

She bought him because she didn't want her life getting

8:26

too easy. Complications were important.

8:29

Without something messing up your

8:31

plans, you became self-centered,

8:34

and then you became selfish. Albert

8:38

Zuckerman was a complication.

8:41

Albert was a book rep.

8:43

He came into her store three times

8:46

a year with his catalogs. He came

8:48

to flog the next season's list.

8:51

What was refreshing about Albert Zuckerman was

8:53

that unlike most of the reps who visited

8:56

her, Albert did not pretend to

8:58

be interested in books. Albert

9:01

loved sales. He had previously

9:03

sold cars, cosmetics, chemicals,

9:06

and gravel. Albert

9:13

was the second man in her life since George

9:16

left. The first was a computer

9:18

programmer named Max. A

9:20

man, even Dorothy came to think

9:23

of as too idiosyncratic. They

9:26

had also met in the store. Max was

9:28

a regular customer. He came

9:30

in on Friday nights near closing and took

9:33

the staying after she locked the door, and

9:35

he would sit and they'd talk while she tidied

9:37

up. Going for coffee seemed like

9:40

the most natural thing in the world. They

9:43

dated for two years. When

9:45

they broke up, it happened

9:47

on the phone,

9:49

which was strange because Max

9:51

didn't have a phone. I

9:54

have one at work, he said. I don't

9:57

understand the need for having another.

10:00

Dorothy explained that it'd be nice if she

10:02

could call him from time to time

10:05

if she wanted to do something Maybe she could

10:07

call him and they could do something Max

10:10

said I had a phone once And

10:12

you know what I learned I

10:14

learned if you let a phone into your life the thing

10:16

just starts to ring

10:17

It's remarkable

10:20

how seldom you get calls that you're really

10:22

want

10:24

One night they went for Thai food

10:26

and and she said what about

10:28

your parents? Max

10:30

said my

10:32

parents? Dorothy said your parents

10:34

in the phone Max said oh

10:36

it drives them crazy They

10:39

say what if we need to get you in a hurry?

10:41

She was watching him ladle the end of the Thai

10:44

soup into his bowl. He hadn't

10:46

asked if she wanted more I

10:50

think what they mean she said is what

10:52

if one of them is sick. Yeah, I

10:54

know what they mean said Max Well

10:58

said Dorothy what if one of them

11:00

sick?

11:01

What could I do about that said Max?

11:04

They broke up two weeks later

11:09

Anyway Albert Zuckerman

11:13

Did you know your dog snores said Albert

11:15

one morning It was an understatement

11:18

of staggering proportions Stanley

11:21

didn't just snore Sleeping

11:23

in the same bedroom as Stanley the dog

11:25

was like sleeping beside a band saw

11:29

Dog slept on the floor at the end of the bed and

11:31

with each buzzing inhalation Albert

11:34

imagined he could hear covered doors in the

11:36

kitchen flapping on their hinges Imagine

11:39

the rocking chair in the living room teetering

11:41

back and forth Thought

11:44

he heard the bureau drawers in the bedroom

11:46

being sucked open and closed The

11:49

first time he stayed over Albert lay in

11:52

bed while the dog gasped

11:54

and gulped and Then all of

11:56

a sudden there was a profound silence

11:59

It was his own

11:59

as if the dog had abruptly stopped breathing.

12:03

First time it happened, Albert propped himself up on

12:05

his elbows and tried to peer at the floor

12:07

at the foot of the bed.

12:09

He didn't want to wake Dorothy, who amazingly

12:12

didn't seem to be having any trouble sleeping at all. It

12:16

was too dark to see anything. Albert

12:19

held his breath in the strange and sudden

12:21

silence and then let himself down slowly

12:24

onto his paw. For the first

12:26

time all night he could hear Dorothy

12:29

breathing sweetly.

12:31

He watched the red numbers on the clock

12:33

radio blink from 237 to 238 to 239.

12:37

He

12:42

closed his eyes. He

12:44

was finally falling to sleep.

12:48

The silences he would learn later could

12:50

last as long as 20 or 30 minutes, but

12:53

they always ended with an explosion.

12:57

Something that sounded more like a whale

12:59

breaching than a dog snoring. Albert

13:03

gasped the first time it happened and sat

13:05

up, squint your possum,

13:07

or something like that.

13:11

It took 20 minutes for him to settle. His heart

13:13

was pounding.

13:14

He was still awake, lying

13:16

there as stiff as a two by four, when

13:19

Stanley snorted and stopped snoring

13:21

for the second time. Storing

13:23

there in the darkness, waiting for Stanley

13:25

to start up again nearly drove Albert

13:28

mad.

13:29

Dorothy, who had been sleeping with Stanley

13:31

for 12 years, didn't notice

13:33

any of this. She continued to take

13:35

the dog with her to the store every morning. He packed

13:38

most of each day on an old piece of blanket

13:40

near the cash register.

13:42

People seemed to like having a dog

13:44

in the store.

13:45

Enough customers mentioned it that Dorothy

13:47

had come to believe that Stanley had something

13:50

to do with whatever small success

13:52

she had found over the years. She

13:55

wasn't a superstitious person, but

13:57

there was some superstition blending.

14:00

with her love for him. Albert,

14:03

however,

14:04

was having trouble coming to terms with the dogs.

14:07

Whenever he stayed over, he only slept

14:09

fitfully. He always left

14:11

Dorothy's place

14:13

exhausted. A

14:15

few weeks later, he saw an ad

14:17

on the subway

14:19

for laser surgery.

14:21

He copied

14:23

down the clinic's number and called them from his

14:25

office. I'm phoning about

14:27

the snoring operation, he said. Could

14:29

you send me some literature, a pamphlet or

14:32

something? We don't

14:34

have any pamphlets, said the woman, but

14:36

I could book you an appointment. You come

14:38

for a consultation, and then if you want to

14:41

proceed, there's a sleep study, and

14:43

then the operation. Everything's covered by insurance,

14:46

except for the operation. The

14:50

operation is $2,400. Do you do dogs? asked Albert. There

14:56

was a pause. No, said the lady,

14:59

we don't do dogs. The

15:02

next Saturday, Albert turned

15:04

up at Dorothy's house with a device that

15:06

he had bought at a drugstore.

15:09

It was called the NozoVent.

15:17

You tried one?

15:21

Cost $10. It

15:23

was a small horseshoe-shaped piece of plastic

15:25

that you inserted in your nose.

15:28

The instruction booklet said that controlled

15:30

clinical trials had shown the elimination

15:32

of storing in about a third of the people

15:34

who had tried the NozoVent.

15:38

The instruction booklet didn't mention dogs.

15:42

When they were getting ready for bed that night, Albert

15:44

got down on the living room floor and called

15:46

Stanley. He had a dog biscuit

15:48

in one hand and the NozoVent

15:51

in the other. Stanley,

15:55

who wasn't used to getting much attention from Albert,

15:58

sniffed the cookie suspiciously.

16:01

Albert put the nose oven in his mouth

16:03

so he would have both hands free.

16:06

And then he grabbed Stanley's collar.

16:09

He pulled the dog towards him. Stanley

16:12

started to growl.

16:14

As Albert wrestled with the dog, his hand

16:17

slipped between the dog's collar and its neck

16:19

up to the wrist. And it got

16:22

stuck there. No

16:24

matter how hard he pulled, his hand

16:26

wouldn't come out. The pressure of Albert's

16:28

hand against the dog's neck panicked

16:30

Stanley.

16:31

He began to snap.

16:34

Oh, for crying out loud, thought Albert, I'm

16:36

in a dog fight.

16:45

He tried to roll away, but when he

16:47

rolled, he pulled Stanley with him. The

16:50

dog flew over his body. They

16:52

both landed in a heap against the sofa.

16:55

Stanley's back leg resting against Albert's

16:57

face. Albert's

17:01

shirt was hanging out. The nose oven

17:03

was hanging out of his mouth.

17:04

In that unexpected quiet moment,

17:07

Albert looked at the dog's leg and considered

17:09

biting.

17:12

Maybe it would establish his dominance.

17:16

Stanley beat him to the punch.

17:20

And that's when Albert swallowed

17:22

the nose oven. It

17:34

went down surprisingly smoothly.

17:40

And that's when Dorothy called down from the bedroom.

17:43

How's it coming?

17:47

Two weeks later.

17:50

They were getting ready to go to sleep again. Do

17:52

you know, said Albert, that the Guinness

17:54

Book of World Records Snoring Champion

17:57

lives in Huntsville, Ontario?

17:59

Oh,

18:05

what a cheap

18:07

laugh.

18:10

It was the first time Albert had ever read

18:13

to her. You know how

18:15

loud he snores?

18:17

90 decibels.

18:19

That's the equivalent of sleeping with a pneumatic

18:21

drill. I

18:23

don't hear him, said Dorothy. Dorothy

18:27

wasn't bothered by the snoring. And

18:29

truth be known, there were things about Albert that

18:32

were beginning to get under her skin.

18:34

She didn't like his taste in movies

18:37

or that he always chose what they watched.

18:40

She didn't like the fact that he didn't read. You

18:43

sell books, she said. You should read one

18:45

occasionally.

18:47

One Sunday morning, Albert, unshaven

18:49

and exhausted, looked at her and said,

18:52

it's either

18:52

me or the dog.

18:59

Dorothy felt a great sense of freedom

19:02

wash over her.

19:07

Albert said, I don't believe this. Stanley

19:12

developed his digestive problems

19:14

the next summer. It started

19:16

innocuously enough, but by

19:19

August, Stanley would lie by the cash

19:21

register at the bookstore, emitting an intolerable

19:24

stream of gas. That's so

19:26

rank that the store smelled like there was an elk

19:29

carcass rotting behind the shelves. Customers

19:33

in the store began glaring at Dorothy.

19:38

They think it's me, she thought. The

19:41

vet was encouraging. It's

19:44

something in his diet, he said. But

19:46

after three months of juggling dog foods,

19:48

the vet gave up. I don't know,

19:51

he said, maybe you should put him down. Dorothy

19:54

was horrified.

19:56

It was her friend, Vicky,

19:58

who said, Stop feeding

20:00

him meat.

20:02

Dorothy said, but that's all dogs eat. Vicki

20:05

said, I'm telling you, stop feeding

20:07

him meat. Dorothy

20:09

found a pet store that sold vegetarian

20:12

dog food, healthy pets. She

20:15

felt a bit ridiculous going into a health food

20:17

store for animals, but she

20:19

decided to try it for a month. Stanley

20:23

wasn't ecstatic about his new diet.

20:26

He didn't eat anything for the first week. Don't

20:29

give up, said Vicki. He'll come around.

20:32

And she was right. Eventually he did, and eventually

20:35

it worked. Who would have guessed,

20:38

Dorothy said to Vicki. Me,

20:41

said Vicki. Stanley

20:44

was eating again, but he wasn't

20:46

happy.

20:47

Walking him was like taking a vacuum

20:49

cleaner for a stroll. He kept his nose

20:52

to the ground and sucked up anything that resembled

20:54

food. However,

20:57

the gas had virtually

20:59

disappeared, and Stanley did

21:01

seem livelier than he had in years. Hungry

21:05

or two, said

21:06

Albert, who stayed

21:08

friends with Dorothy. Albert was

21:11

living with a vegetarian himself, and he used to

21:13

show up and take Dorothy for lunch. Let's have

21:15

shish kabob, he said. Not

21:18

having to sleep with Stanley anymore,

21:20

he felt a sense of canine kinship,

21:24

something he hadn't felt before. When

21:27

Stanley was 16, Dorothy

21:30

knew the end was drawing near.

21:33

He developed arthritis in his hips,

21:35

and his gums were giving him problems,

21:37

which meant walking was hard and so was

21:39

eating. And what else does a dog do for fun,

21:42

asked Dorothy. Maybe

21:45

it's

21:46

time to put him down, said Albert, one

21:48

day at lunch.

21:50

He'd taken her out for smoked meat.

21:52

Dorothy looked

21:54

at him.

21:56

I could do what he said.

21:58

I could take him out to my house.

21:59

my brother's farm and all, like we could,

22:02

you know. Dorothy

22:07

didn't say anything. Think

22:10

about it, said Albert.

22:12

When they got back to the store, Albert squatted

22:15

down beside Stanley and petted his

22:17

head.

22:19

Two months later, Stanley had a stroke.

22:22

Dorothy had to hold him when he was

22:25

walking upstairs, had to put her arms

22:27

under his chest and take the weight off

22:29

his legs. Their

22:31

walks got shorter and

22:34

slower. Everything about

22:36

Stanley was slowing down. He

22:39

wanted to be beside her all the time, as if

22:41

he was scared, confused.

22:45

Finally, she

22:46

phoned Albert. "'Okay,'

22:50

she said.

22:52

Albert came on Saturday morning. He

22:54

had a blanket on the back seat of the car.

23:00

"'I'm not coming,' said Dorothy. Albert

23:04

said, "'You sure?'"

23:07

Dorothy said, "'Yes.'" So

23:11

Albert moved the blanket into the front seat and

23:13

they carried Stanley out

23:15

to the car. Dorothy

23:18

said, "'Well, at least he doesn't have to go to the vet.'"

23:22

And then she scratched her dog

23:24

behind the ears and said, "'Good

23:26

dog.'" Albert

23:30

said, "'I'm going now.'"

23:32

Dorothy said, "'Okay.'"

23:38

When he got out of the city, Albert

23:41

stopped at a roadside hamburger joint and

23:43

bought himself a cheeseburger, a vanilla shake and

23:46

an order of fries. Stanley,

23:48

who had been sleeping beside him on the front seat, woke

23:51

up as soon as he opened the burger and Albert thought, "'Well, what the

23:53

heck?'" And he slipped him a mouthful of the burger.

23:57

The dog's tail started to thump

23:59

on the seat. He looked so grateful

24:01

for the meat that Albert made a U-turn

24:04

headed back to the burger joint

24:06

and ordered four cheeseburgers. No,

24:10

five, he said. He

24:12

ate one himself and fed two to Stanley

24:15

during the hour it took him to get to the farm.

24:17

He gave Stanley a third when

24:19

they got there.

24:21

They went out behind a barn to a grassy

24:24

spot and he gave them the last

24:27

burger and Stanley lay

24:29

down and let out a loud happy

24:31

fart.

24:34

He was found asleep

24:36

snoring

24:37

by the time Albert's brother showed up.

24:41

Thank you. That

24:57

was the story we called Sting. We

25:00

recorded that in 2015. That

25:03

was one of the very

25:04

last stories that Stewart ever

25:06

recorded.

25:12

We have to take a short break right now, but

25:14

we'll be back in about a minute with

25:16

another Dave and Morley story about

25:19

dogs.

25:31

Welcome back. I told

25:33

you we had two stories for you today, two

25:36

stories about dogs. Time

25:38

for the second one. This is also

25:41

a story from the very, very

25:43

early days of the vinyl cafe way

25:45

back from those first few seasons.

25:49

This is Earther Takes the Cake.

25:53

company

26:00

where Morley works,

26:02

slipped into Morley's office, shut the door conspiratorily

26:05

and said I have two words that are going to change

26:07

our lives. Two words

26:10

said Morley. Theo

26:12

Stavros said Ralph. Theo

26:15

Stavros said Morley. The developer said

26:17

Ralph. Who we despise said Morley

26:19

because I forget. Who we love and respect

26:21

and honor said Ralph.

26:23

What said Morley?

26:26

Because said Ralph he is married to Vivian

26:28

Stavros. Aha said Morley.

26:31

That would be the Vivian said Ralph who just

26:33

pledged $5,000. Love him

26:36

said Morley. Respect

26:39

him she said and honor

26:42

said Ralph. Don't forget honor.

26:44

Deeply said Morley and

26:46

then she said we should you bet we should

26:48

said Ralph and that's how

26:50

Morley came to be standing in her kitchen on

26:52

a recent Saturday at 815 a.m.

26:55

with a cookbook open in front of her. Morley was not

26:58

normally uptight about having people over.

27:00

She's usually at ease about these sort of deals.

27:03

Of course these sort of deals usually involve people

27:06

Morley is at ease with. But

27:09

on this Saturday morning the Saturday

27:11

Theo and Vivian Stavros were going

27:13

to be honored in her living room.

27:15

Morley was not at ease. What

27:18

said Dave can I do to help?

27:28

Cut him some slack will ya? For

27:35

the rest of the day Dave ran errands and he

27:37

picked up and he vacuumed and he dusted. He

27:39

borrowed three living room chairs from the Turlingtons.

27:42

For the rest of the day he was helpful

27:44

Dave.

27:46

And while Dave was busy being helpful Morley

27:48

prepared a large glass bowl of baked

27:50

winter fruits, a platter of chocolate

27:52

honey snaps

27:53

and her piece de resistance

27:56

a frosty lemon cake topped with a mountain

27:58

of lemon cream. At five

28:00

o'clock a caterer delivered plates of smoked

28:03

salmon, Thai spring rolls, pates,

28:06

dumplings and dipping sauce, sushi

28:08

and little crab tarts. At 5.30

28:11

more or less on top of things,

28:13

Morley sat Sam down. You

28:16

can't come into the living room. You can't

28:18

pick at the food. They

28:21

ordered pizza and wings for Sam

28:23

and a family-size bottle of root beer.

28:26

Sam went to the corner and came back with two

28:28

videos. I can be seen

28:31

but not heard, said Sam.

28:33

But only seen briefly, said Morley.

28:37

I'm not banishing you, she said. It seemed important

28:40

that he should know that he could be there. As

28:42

long, said Sam, as I'm not here. Exactly,

28:47

said Morley. I can

28:49

do that, said Sam.

28:51

At ten to seven, just before the guests were scheduled

28:54

to arrive,

28:55

Sam spotted the dumplings.

28:57

Hey, he said.

28:58

No,

28:59

said Morley. One dumpling,

29:01

said Sam. You have pizza coming, said Morley.

29:04

Just one, said Sam. No.

29:06

No.

29:08

Sam made his brief appearance. He took coats

29:10

at the door.

29:11

And then his pizza arrived and he disappeared.

29:14

He carried his stuff upstairs and into

29:16

the den and he shut the door behind him.

29:18

And he put on the first movie that he had

29:20

rented, a film his friend

29:22

Murphy had recommended.

29:24

Robert Altman's 1980 musical

29:27

version of the Anvil-armed sailor

29:29

Popeye. One

29:31

of the most shamefully neglected films

29:34

of recent times, said Murphy.

29:37

The trouble with having a precocious friend

29:39

is the same as the benefits.

29:41

Their enthusiasms inevitably

29:43

lead you somewhere you'd never go by yourself.

29:47

In this case, Jules Pfeiffer's sassy script

29:50

and Harry Nielsen's eccentric songs were

29:52

just too much for Sam, especially

29:55

with platters of hot dumplings calling

29:57

to him. He paused the film and said,

29:59

and he slipped out of the den.

30:02

He went to the railing at the top of the stairs.

30:05

He lay down on the floor and pressed

30:07

his face into the banister.

30:10

There is, it turns out, only

30:12

so much loneliness a kid can take when

30:14

he's banished in his own home

30:16

and the warm chatter of grown-ups

30:19

is floating up the stairs mixed

30:21

with the steamy, heady, sweet

30:24

smell of hot dumplings. Sam

30:27

had promised that he wouldn't be seen or

30:29

heard, but he hadn't made any

30:32

promises about those dumplings.

30:35

Getting from where he was, however,

30:37

into the kitchen where the dumplings were was

30:40

not going to be the easiest task in the world,

30:43

especially since the kitchen was beside the living

30:45

room full of adults where his father, and

30:47

most importantly, his mother were.

30:50

But Sam had had all he could take of Robert Altman

30:53

and the thought of those oily white dumplings

30:55

and the sweet brown dipping sauce was more

30:57

than he could take. To

30:59

get into the kitchen unnoticed, Sam

31:02

would need a distraction. And

31:05

there at his feet

31:07

was Arthur the dog. Sam

31:11

jumped up and ran back into the den. He

31:13

came back with one of his pizza crusts. He

31:16

waved the crust under Arthur's nose.

31:20

Arthur's cloudy eyes lit up. Come,

31:24

said Sam. He led the dog

31:26

quietly down the stairs and along the hall.

31:29

They stopped just before the door to the living

31:31

room.

31:32

Sam let Arthur have one last

31:35

whiff of the crust. And then

31:37

he lobbed it underhand the

31:40

length of the hall toward the bathroom. It

31:43

arced unseen past the living room. It

31:45

landed on the bathroom floor. It bounced

31:47

and slid toward the toilet. Arthur

31:50

barked. Arthur's legs

31:53

began to windmill on the hardwood floor. Sam,

31:57

who was holding Arthur by the collar out of sight

31:59

of everyone in the living room, was

31:59

room,

32:01

let him go. It was

32:03

like releasing a fully rev stock car. There

32:05

wasn't smoke and there

32:09

wasn't squealing tires, but there was everything

32:11

else. Arthur blowing by the living room

32:13

like a pack of wolves. And

32:16

while all eyes were on the dog,

32:19

Sam slipped into the kitchen. Arthur

32:23

meanwhile hovered up the cross and he looked

32:25

around for more. And when he spotted

32:27

Sam standing in the kitchen door with an arm

32:30

full of dumplings, Arthur

32:32

yelped

32:34

and took off. When

32:37

he hit the kitchen he was going full speed ahead

32:40

and he tried to put on the brakes, but he just

32:42

slid across the linoleum like a curling

32:44

stone. Gliding by Sam

32:46

and barking with excitement, sucking up an offered

32:48

dumpling on the way by, bouncing

32:51

off the fridge and finally smacking into

32:53

the leg of the kitchen table. Oh

32:56

yes. Which

33:03

wouldn't have been a big deal if that wasn't

33:06

where Morley's Frosty Lemon Cake

33:08

was waiting to be served. Exactly.

33:12

The Frosty Lemon Cake with the lemon icing

33:14

flew straight into the air. It

33:17

went up fast, but it came

33:19

down faster. It landed

33:21

in the middle of Arthur's back. Icing

33:26

side down. It

33:28

stuck like a saddle. Arthur

33:31

leapt in the air, twisting his head and contorting his

33:34

old body like a bucking bronco. Snapping

33:37

at the cake which was just beyond his reach,

33:41

which for all he knew could have been a living thing,

33:44

was probably the cat. At any moment

33:49

it was going to sink its claws

33:52

into his shoulders. The thought

33:54

terrified him. Arthur took

33:56

off down the hall full speed. Sam, boy, what

33:59

a great day. folding for the washroom at the same time,

34:02

slamming the door shut, Arthur careening

34:04

around the corner into, you guessed it, the

34:07

living room. He

34:10

stopped dead. So

34:12

did the conversation. Everybody

34:15

staring at him,

34:16

Arthur staring at them, and

34:19

poor Vivian Stavros who had once in

34:21

England been served a dessert off a toy train

34:23

that chugged around a dining room table.

34:31

Thought

34:34

to herself eating cake off a dog's

34:36

back was where she drew the line. Meanwhile

34:48

Arthur's legs stiffened and his

34:50

shoulders began to twitch and

34:52

he seemed to inflate. He

34:54

grew bigger and bigger right there

34:56

in front of their eyes. And too

34:58

late to do anyone any good, Vivian

35:00

Stavros realized what was really about

35:03

to happen. My God,

35:05

she screamed, he's going to shake. Before

35:18

the words came out of her mouth, the

35:25

quivering dog became a shuddering dog

35:28

and bits of pieces of cake were flying off him

35:30

and spraying around the room, cake

35:33

splattering off the walls and the chairs

35:35

and the dresses and the hairdos. It was

35:38

like a snowstorm of cake. It

35:40

was a nightmare of cake. It was worse

35:42

than Halifax in April.

35:59

there was cake everywhere. A

36:02

chunk the size of a chicken breast had

36:04

landed and Vivian stabbed Rose's lap. Arthur

36:08

spotted it before she did. And

36:18

there he was heading towards

36:20

her looking like a wolf. Vivian

36:23

screamed and tried to struggle to her feet.

36:26

Too late. Sam

36:28

on his knees in the washroom. His plate of dumplings

36:31

beside him. He could see all of this as plain

36:33

as day. And then all of a sudden all

36:35

he could see was Vivian stabbed Rose heading

36:37

towards him. Vivian from the waist

36:40

down her gray skirt and cake splattered

36:42

legs looming larger. Vivian

36:45

heading towards the bathroom door. Sam

36:48

reached

36:48

up quickly for the lock.

36:50

He glanced down at the mound of dumplings beside

36:52

him and felt his heart sink.

36:54

He had to do something fast because

36:57

before long he was going to have to open the door

36:59

and face the lady in the gray skirt and

37:01

maybe his mother.

37:03

He stuffed two dumplings into each

37:05

of his pockets. He carried

37:07

the remaining ones morosely over to

37:09

the toilet. He tipped them

37:11

into it. He flushed. The

37:17

cake wasn't the worst thing said morally the

37:19

following Monday.

37:27

The cake wasn't the worst thing said morally

37:29

on that Monday as she sat in her office going

37:32

over the night with Ralph Holden. You're

37:35

right said Ralph. It was definitely

37:37

the block toilet.

37:41

How long do you think she was in there

37:43

said morally. I'd say

37:51

a good 20 minutes

37:52

said Ralph.

37:56

If she had just asked for a plunger said

37:58

morally.

38:00

Would you ask for a plunger?" said

38:03

Ralph. I

38:05

guess you're right, said Morley. I

38:07

guess, she said, reaching for a pen, it's

38:10

time for plan two, right? Thank

38:13

you very much. That

38:16

was the story, Arthur Takes the Cake. That

38:19

is another early story from the early days of the Vinyl

38:21

Cafe, so

38:24

far back, I don't even know what year it

38:26

was recorded.

38:28

Something like 98, 99, somewhere back there. It's

38:30

an oldie, but a goodie. I'm

38:33

going to go ahead and get my coffee. I'm

38:36

going to get my coffee. I'm

38:39

going to get my coffee. There

38:42

it is, right there.

38:45

It's an oldie, but a goodie.

38:48

We have to take a short break right now, but

38:51

we will be back in about two minutes

38:53

with a sneak peek from next week's episode.

38:57

So, stay with me.

39:08

Ryan Reynolds here, from Mint Mobile. I've

39:11

been a customer of Mint Mobile for the last few years. I've

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also been a customer. I

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don't know if you knew this, but anyone can

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I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities,

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slash switch. New activation

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and upfront payment for three month plan required. Taxes

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and fees extra. Additional restrictions

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apply. Well,

39:40

that's it for today, but we will

39:42

be back here next week

39:44

with another Dave and Morley story. This

39:47

one.

39:58

proportion.

40:03

By the time Jim managed to get the pill into

40:05

Molly, his hands were covered in

40:07

tiny bite marks. He

40:10

looked like somebody being trying to staple him to

40:12

something. The

40:17

two pills a day Jim figured he'd be

40:19

shredded by the weekend. That's

40:23

next week on Backstage at the Vinyl Cafe.

40:26

Come back next Friday to hear the

40:28

whole story.

40:41

Backstage at the Vinyl Cafe is part

40:43

of the apostrophe podcast

40:45

network. Our recording engineer

40:48

is man's best friend Greg

40:50

DeClute. Theme music

40:53

is by my friend Danny Michelle. The

40:55

show is produced by Louise Curtis

40:58

and me,

40:59

Jeff Milton.

41:00

Let's meet again next week. Until

41:02

then, so long for now.